Original subtitles

Okay, Rock Paper Scissors.

Loser has to ask the guy in gym shorts at table 12

to stop Sharon Stoneing us his balls.

By virtue of having this conversation,

aren't we both losers?

Look who's back from Hollywood.

If it isn't ScarJo and J-Lo.

Said the guy from down low.

Can I get an autograph?

Oops, my bad-- still just waitresses.

Han, don't be upset just because I'm about to make $250,000

and have a movie made about me.

Han already had a movie made about him--

"Paul Blart: Small Cop."

What's your movie called? "Straight Outta A Job"?

(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Yeah, about that? You can't fire us now.

The money hasn't come in just yet.

After that, by all means, please fire us

and fire us hard.

Yeah, how does firing us on the 27th work for you?

Don't think I won't do it.

I've been wanting another Asian in the mix for some time.

Oh, and, Han, we're gonna need the day off tomorrow.

You just took ten days off!

No more vacation days.

Freddie Prinze Jr. works more than you two.

Max and I are going to prison to visit my dad.

As part of his therapy, he's written a musical,

and he's performing it with the other inmates.

A musical in prison?

I'd be shaking my damn head right now

if my neck still worked.

And, again, you can fire us on the 27th.

We're in flux now.

And as always, I'm the one who gets fluxed.

Aw, I missed Han.

I've never heard you say that without a crossbow in your hand.

I can't wait till we get that money.

Think of all the stuff we could buy.

[gasps] American toothpaste.

Some toilet paper so we can stop using our bath mat.

And since we're unfreezing our credit card,

maybe I'll get a new dress too.

The invite to this musical said "cocktail attire."

A prison musical with cocktail attire?

Ah, screw it.

I'm gonna feel this tomorrow, but mm, mm!

Mm!

Hey, everybody!

Today's the day Oleg and me find out

what kind of sex our baby's gonna have.

I beg you to rephrase that.

(Oleg) Baby, I don't want to know

if it's gonna be a boy or a girl.

I'd rather be surprised.

You know, like when you get a hooker in Tijuana.

Boy, do I.

Or girl, do I.

Oh! We don't know, and that's the fun.

(Oleg) We're gonna have a baker

do one of those gender reveal cakes for us.

Can you guys recommend a baker?

Uh, excuse me?

Yeah, excuse me?

What the hell is a gender reveal cake?

Like, you bake it and then you pull its pants down?

Jeez, would it kill you

to pick up a "Rachael Ray Every Day" once in a while?

We give the bakers a sealed envelope with the sex.

Yeah, and then the bakers--

you know, if we can find good ones--

will make the icing on the inside pink

if it's a Svetlana...

And blue if it's a Svetlenny.

Well, it beats the way they did it

in my town in Poland.

You were either a boy

or you had to know how to climb back up out of a well.

Yeah.

Um, you know we're bakers, right?

Hell, yeah.

I'm baked right now.

Well, I'm dressed for my father's prison musical.

[sighs]

Say that three times without crying.

You look good.

If those inmates weren't hardened criminals before,

they will be once they see you in that.

What's with all the miniature liquor bottles

you stole from the plane?

Do I have to host a tiny intervention?

I did not steal these from the plane.

I stole them from our hotel room,

the maid cart, and a few other people's hotel rooms

when I posed as a maid.

This is part of my presentation

for my idea on how to spend the $250,000.

Five years ago, we were sitting on Chestnut

with our iced coffees.

I remember it like it was five years ago.

And we said that $250,000

the exact amount of money we're getting,

was what we needed to get our cupcake business going.

Chestnut was so excited, he made a little poo.

[Chestnut chuffs]

Not so little.

I remember it knocking that cat unconscious.

Five years later,

cupcakes alone aren't cutting it.

Ouch. But true.

Sure, they're sweet, delicious, and chic,

but what if we add... alcohol?

Which is sweet, delicious, and expensive?

We keep the cupcake window,

but we make it into a bar too.

It's two great things put together!

Like you and me?

I was gonna say fat people and tripping,

but yes!

We keep the cupcake dream;

we just add overpriced alcohol to it.

I love it!

We can call it Cupcakes & Cocktails.

Or, if we want to be less douchey,

we call it Dessert Bar.

That is a genius idea.

Usually when you're drunk, your best idea is,

"Let's call Home Depot and ask if they have caulk."

So we're doing it?

We're opening up a dessert bar?

Oh, we're opening up a dessert bar.

Celebratory dance?

Am I here yet?

[sniffing]

I know I'm either at Max and Caroline's

or a petting zoo.

To be clear, that horse smell is the couch.

Oh, I just came back from the doctor,

and I have the sex of the baby, but I don't want to see it.

So please take it from me quick so I don't sneak a peek.

(Max) Caroline,

you hold on to this

until it's time to bake the cake.

(Sophie) Why are you giving it to her?

I mean, you really think she can keep a secret

with that big Jim Carrey mouth flapping all the time?

Well, you don't want me to have it.

If I know, I'll spoil it.

I have no poker face.

Neither did my mom, which is how I became

the legal property of the Borgata Casino.

Caroline, I'm warning you.

Don't let it slip.

Even if I beg you, don't tell me.

Okay.

Even if I come downstairs in the middle of the night

and put a gun to your head,

don't tell me.

Okay, well, if there's a gun involved,

I'm gonna tell you.

See, Max?

That's why I didn't want to give it to her.

Your dad wrote and directed this thing too?

Dang, he's like the Ben Affleck of jail.

Yikes, it says here

that the guy who was playing "sadistic guard"

is out for tonight's performance

because someone took his eye out with a plastic spork.

Oh, my God. That's terrible.

We're seeing an understudy?

Oh, look! My dad's opening the show.

[piano introduction plays]

* Steel bars

* Steel bars on my heart

* Steels bars on my soul

* And there's no parole

* And it tears me apart

all: * Steel bars

* Steel bars on our balls

* Steel bars on this jail

* And there ain't no bail

* And nobody calls

I call him twice a week.

all: * Steel bars on our balls *

* Steel bars on our balls

* Steel bars on our balls *

* Steel bars

* On our baaaaaalls

*

Oh, hell, yes!

all: * 25 to life

* Lots of pain and plenty of strife *

* Loneliness, it cuts like a knife *

* 25 to liiiiiife

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you so much. Wow.

Well, we won't keep you prisoner much longer.

[laughter]

So we're just gonna take a brief intermission,

and we'll be back with the second half.

Second half? That was three hours!

That was incredible, Dad!

Especially the escape attempt scene.

Some of that violence looked incredibly realistic.

That was because it was real, not part of the show.

They beat that guy severely.

* Steel bars

* Da-dum, something, something *

Martin, I'm gonna add two more crimes

to your prison sentence:

stealing my heart and stealing the show.

Can you sign my playbill?

Caroline, get my playbill.

Oh, here. Hold Sophie's gender reveal envelope.

Oh, and this envelope I use as a wallet.

And this other envelope I use as a makeup bag.

Oh, here it is.

Great. I'm gonna use my crayon.

We can't have pens.

Oh, here. Sign mine too.

I'll put it next to that framed picture I have

of you and Donald Trump when he was a liberal.

Well, enough about me.

Who's playing me in your movie, hon?

Not Brad Pitt. It's too on the nose.

Well, they haven't cast it yet,

but they are giving me $250,000 for my story.

Honey, this is your ticket.

Now you can start your own business.

I have my own business with Max.

The cupcakes?

I'll admit business has been slow.

But we're gonna use the money

to take our business to the next level.

Max had the genius idea of making it a dessert bar.

We still sell our cupcakes,

but we also serve high-end cocktails.

You can just say the word "muddle"

and charge $20.

That is a fantastic idea, ladies.

Wow, it's so great.

Honey, do me a favor.

Could you get me some water?

I want to stay hydrated for tomorrow's matinee.

There's talk of Robert Durst transferring in just to see it,

and I don't want to jinx it, you know.

Oh. [chuckles]

Wanted to ditch the square, huh?

I get it.

Is this finally happening?

Celebration make-out sesh?

Uh, yeah, we got to keep our hands in plain view.

This whole cupcake business is not for Caroline.

Well, she's not the baker; I am.

She's the idea person.

Yeah, but you had the dessert bar idea, right?

And you just said it was a terrific idea.

Well, as you saw... [chuckles]

I'm a really good actor.

Can I itch my nose?

Look, my baby was brought up around Wall Street.

She's Wharton bred.

She could never be happy doing this whole baking business,

and this is her big chance to get out.

But wouldn't she have told me?

She tells me every single feeling she's having.

And some of it, I even listen to.

What if I just ask her?

She'll only deny it.

She doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

That's why I'm doing it.

But she said she was happy about the dessert bar.

We danced about it.

Max, listen to me.

I'm her father, and I know her.

And this is her big chance.

You just got to let her go.

I do?

Yeah, and you got to be firm about it,

or she's not going to get the message.

Like in "Poltergeist,"

where they have to be really stern with Carol Anne

or else she'll stay with the ghosts?

And I'm the ghosts?

Ooch!

Max, what is going on with you?

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I'm just making Sophie's gender cake.

If you don't want to be here, go back to Wall Street.

What?

What is going on with you?

You've been pouty ever since we left the prison.

I'm not gonna take you there anymore

if you're sad to leave.

You know what?

While I'm doing all the work,

why don't you go get me the gender envelope?

Okay, Moody Giuliani.

Do not tell me you lost the envelope

with the gender of Sophie's baby in there.

I didn't lose it.

I just don't have it,

and I don't know where it is.

Oh, we probably left it at the prison

when you made me get out the playbill.

Oh, so this is my fault.

The one thing you had to do, you didn't do.

Like a waitress at a vegan restaurant,

you're bringing almost nothing to the table.

The $250,000 I'm bringing to the table,

that's nothing?

Oh, so that's your money.

There it is.

So why don't you take your money

and go back to Wall Street?

I'll be fine.

Who came up with combining desserts and alcohol?

I mean, obviously, you've been holding me back.

I've been holding you back?

You forgot to wear pants to a business meeting.

How dare you?

I did wear pants.

I just left them in the bathroom.

[gasps]

Okay, well...

Well, this is a historic event.

We've sold cupcakes for five years,

and this is the first time you've touched batter.

It's a historic event

because you finally had a business idea

that didn't have the word "fart" in it.

[gasps]

If my hair gets involved, we are done.

- Good. - [shrieks]

Girls, I'm going to--

What have you done?

I have an egg allergy!

* 25 to li--

Hey, what a nice surprise.

You know what else is a surprise?

That the makeup lights in a prison are so flattering.

I don't remember him being in the show.

Yeah, he's not.

He's just a felon who likes false eyelashes.

So what are you doing here?

I think I left an important envelope here.

I tried calling, but they said

your phone privileges were taken away.

Yeah, well, I had a fight

with the prison theater critic.

That's the headline you go with, Eddie?

"Shanks for Nothing"?

He sure is a big man on his blog,

but he can't look me in the eye.

Well, I would have gone with "It's A Prison Riot."

I think I left an envelope here,

and I think it ruined me and Max's friendship

and our partnership.

All right, well, here you go.

Here's your envelope,

and here's your makeup bag.

Hey, um...

I'm real sorry to hear about you and Max.

Yeah.

Unless maybe it's a good thing

and it's happening for the best

and you get to go back to Wall Street

and reclaim your life.

Wall Street?

Why does every single person keep telling me

to go back to Wall Street?

Max, you--

all right, it's just Max and you.

Here. Let me do that.

Okay.

Listen, honey.

You only have to work on Wall Street, okay?

You can live on the Upper East Side

and eventually move to Westchester

if you want a tennis court.

Daddy, did you and Max talk about this?

Kitten, I know you better than anybody,

and I know that you do not belong

in a cupcake shop in Brooklyn.

You could still be friends with Max.

She like tennis?

How do you know where I belong?

Go like this.

[chuckles]

I'm not the same spoiled little rich girl that I was.

Well, now you can be.

These last five years

have made me a different person.

For example, when I walk

into a combination Taco Bell-Dunkin' Donuts,

you know what they say?

"Hi, Caroline."

Son of a bitch.

See, Daddy, I'm Taco Bell,

and Max is Dunkin' Donuts.

On the surface, it seems like we shouldn't be together,

but we make an amazing team.

And we have a dream together.

It's not just hers; it's mine too.

Well, that's the hardest thing I've had to take in all day.

And for lunch, they served us something called "brown."

See, Daddy, this is where I belong.

Well, not here, even though I will miss the lighting,

but with Max.

Well...

I guess I can support that.

Look, I'm sorry. Sorry.

You know, I worry, okay?

That's what parents do,

and there's lots of time to worry

when you're in prison,

which is why I focused all my energies

on creating groundbreaking musical theater.

[upbeat music]

*

Are you sure you didn't tell your dad

that I told you that he told me to tell you that?

'Cause snitches get stitches.

My dad wouldn't hurt a fly.

He'd just steal $1 billion from it.

Not bad for my first cake, right?

Well, if you don't count all the ones

I threw in the garbage.

I did count them. There were seven.

Two of them were fizzing.

But thanks for trying.

Max, Caroline, come on!

How long is this gonna take?

I didn't wait this long for the polio vaccine.

There's a polio vaccine?

Well, you might have to wait a little longer

to find out the sex of the baby,

because Max and I have a new business announcement too.

Is it about me firing you?

Because I already reserved a karaoke machine

for your Good Riddance party.

I'm not saying cancel it, but you can't fire us

till we have our new business idea up and running.

And I'm talking dibs on the "Thong Song."

All right, so here's our big news.

We should have gone to Rosebud's Bakery

for the cake.

You know, 'cause when you order one there,

they don't say, "Hey, guess what happened to me!"

Pretty tacky, Caroline.

Says the guy in a tank top

from the Steven Seagal for Target collection.

Now the wind's out of my sails.

No, it's not! We're opening a dessert bar!

All right, give me the knife.

To cut the cake?

No.

Well, then I'm not gonna give it to you.

Like I said at this diner a million times,

give it to me, Caroline.

Okay, baby, you do the honors.

Why do we need to know the gender anyway?

They all switch 'em now.

All right, one, two, three.

Boy or girl?

It's white. What does that mean?

Well, it means it has a chance

of getting nominated for Academy Awards.

Oh, no!

I was so busy putting out that oven mitt fire,

I forgot to put the color in it.

But I could just tell everybody.

No, 'cause if I hear it from you,

I'll already be mad at the baby.

You know what, Sophie?

Maybe it's a sign

that we shouldn't know what the baby's gonna be.

You're right.

Keep the cake, girls.

We're not gonna pay.

Well, do you guys want to try it?

No, thanks.

I've got a lady coming over.

We're gonna try to figure out how Netflix works

and chill.

I also have a lady coming over.

Yes, it's a lesbian masseuse for my ferret,

but it counts.

I guess you're the only one

who's gonna taste my first cake.

I also have a lady coming over, question mark.

Come on. One bite.

Wow.

Could you dial 911, please?