Original subtitles

Listen up.

Max and Caroline are at a big Hollywood premiere.

They say Harrison Ford is there.

Tell Han Solo, "Hello from Han."

Who always does it solo.

(Max) Yeah, this place is crawling with celebs.

Everyone's here.

Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett, Amy Schumer's sister.

If you see Burt Reynolds, tell him I have his belt.

Snap some boob pics.

Some A-list D's or some B-list C's.

I can't. My phone's dead.

(Han) But you're on your phone.

Big ruckus here.

Matt Damon just threw a puff pastry at Don Cheadle.

How bout we FaceTime?

Can't. No reception.

(Han) But we're talking to you right now.

Well, I gotta go.

Julia Roberts wants to split an UberX.

I feel bad lying to Han.

I mean, he's already been catfished three times this year.

To be fair, two of those times were me.

And we're not really lying.

We could have gone to that Hollywood party

if we wanted to.

- And had been invited. - Hmm.

And hadn't been kicked out by security.

(Oleg) We're still on the line.

We can never go back there.

(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

So nice of your new man

to send us a pressed juice basket.

So LA.

[gagging] So gross!

[smacking lips]

I love them. They're disgusting.

This one's like licking a beet's undercarriage.

Still, it was really thoughtful of Randy.

He must really like you,

and really want you to stay regular.

Yeah, someone really buried the lead

on this whole being treated well thing,

and I miss him.

You saw him 30 minutes ago.

Feels like 35.

What is that about? Do I have shingles?

Oh, my God. I just got an e-mail.

The world's most in-demand actress is on her way over

to talk about playing me in the movie of my life.

Betty White's coming here?

It's Jennifer Lawrence!

Amy Schumer's sister's best friend.

The studio just set it up.

She wants to meet me to see if she digs my vibe.

Oh, wish I had my vibe.

They wouldn't let me bring it on the plane.

What was I gonna do?

Terrorize everyone with pleasure?

Oh, I better go brush my teeth.

I don't want Jennifer Lawrence to think

I licked a cantaloupe's armpit.

The star of "The Hunger Games" is coming here?

We will have lots in common.

I mean, I've killed kids for food.

[laughs]

Hey, everybody.

Does anyone know how to shut off the fire alarm in the elevator?

'Cause this sage is really popping off.

Hey, puff puff pass.

Ah, you don't smoke it.

No, it cleans your aura or some crap like that.

Well, that sounds spiritual.

Oh, you know, my healer says

the reason that I haven't been able to get pregnant

is that my aura is filthier

than my gynecologist's Instagram.

Yeah.

But I did get a lot of likes.

[coughs] Ugh, Sophie,

I'm getting second hand hippie.

Hey.

Sophie, I have got to get this out of here

or Jennifer Lawrence will think this is my vibe.

I'm going for Grace Kelly not Woody Harrelson.

Well, that's a mistake.

You know what?

My healer, Audra, gave me a whole list of things

that I need to do in order to get pregnant.

Is one of them, "Have sex the front way"?

Yeah, also, "Eat apples, meditate,

cut down on cigars."

She also said that I have to practice

loving kindness with everyone.

Even the people who trigger my negativity.

Yeah, but you know what?

I'm as sweet as the sugar substitute

that gave half my family cancer, yeah.

You're maybe not always

sweet as sugar substitute to everyone.

I'm not?

Well, here comes this idiot.

You know what?

I'm gonna be real nice to you so that I can have a baby.

So I don't care what kind of crap comes out

of your stupid pie hole.

Oh, my God, I'm a monster.

[knocks on door]

Oh, my God, do you think that's Jennifer Lawrence?

That was fast. What a star.

Prompt and she costs less than a man.

Or maybe it's Randy. It's been a whole 38 minutes.

39.

Aww, that's making me horny.

Yeah, and that's not on my list.

I came over to tell you I can't stay the night tonight.

I gotta go to Miami.

My client's causing trouble on the new Johnny Depp movie.

My client's Johnny Depp.

Is it another "Pirates" movie?

'Cause I'm only four hours into the last one.

[cell phone rings]

Caroline Channing's office.

This is her assistant Tiesha. Please hold.

I gave myself an assistant 'cause I deserve one.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Oh, my God, I'm getting triggered.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, man.

My dog sitter just quit.

She married Eddie Murphy.

Now I don't have anybody to watch Bruno.

Oh, I can watch Bruno.

Would you want to stay with him at my place?

At your beautiful house in the hills

with an amazing view of the Hollywood sign?

Ugh, fine, but only 'cause I really want to.

[chuckles]

Okay, so unfortch J Law got swarmed by the paps

so she has to reschedj.

Oh, boy.

I picked the wrong week to quit smoking cigars.

Randy, that view is so amazing.

We're so close I can see the "ho" of the Hollywood sign.

And I bet it's saying, "I can see the ho of Williamsburg."

Wow, this place is gorgeous.

The last guy Max dated had a mattress on the floor

and a lady named Sheila living in the crawl space.

Caroline, are you trying to make me jealous?

Oh, you have nothing to worry about.

There's no way that guy's still alive.

Look, the next 24 hours,

just treat this place like it's yours.

Don't worry, I will take really good care of Bruno.

I'll let him sleep right in the hills.

I haven't been this jealous of my dog

since I saw him licking his own balls every day.

Randy, would you say it's private up here?

Like private enough to have a meeting with a celebrity

who I'm not at will to name,

but it's Jennifer Lawrence.

Yeah, it's really quiet up here.

Just one neighbor up the hill.

Old guy. Rocks the hell out of a stained sweat suit.

We get along great.

We've never spoken.

I can't get a signal. What's your Wi-Fi password?

1, 2, 5, lowercase B,

uppercase D, dash, dash, 6, 3,

lowercase F, uppercase F, 5, 2, 1.

Or you can get some reception outside.

All right, I gotta go.

Come here, big boy.

Who's Daddy's big boy? Yes.

That call works on me too, FYI.

Come here, big boy.

[giggles]

Mmm.

Caroline, where's the best reception?

Behind the hedge down the hill near this big cactus and--ow!

Ooh, getting a little heat on this table.

I'm gonna call the diner.

[cell phone rings]

[chuckles]

Hey, Max, how's my girl?

Are you rich, famous, and driving a Prius yet?

Earl, you would not believe where we are.

I am looking down on all of LA.

Oh, I'm doing that from here.

Ask Max if she talked to Sophie.

I didn't get an up the skirt selfie this morning

and I'm worried.

I got it by accident.

[laughs]

And I'm hoping talking about it

will somehow free me from it.

Can you forward it to me?

You know what? Just take my phone.

I'll buy a new one.

[leaf blower blowing]

Ow.

Whoa! Stop...

blowing. Stop blowing.

Blowing...

Thank you!

So how would you rate the LA blow job

compared to the ones in New York?

This one was less work.

When Jennifer Lawrence gets here to interview me,

just know, I'm also kind of interviewing her.

I mean, I know she has my looks,

but does she have my naivetГ©?

Is that French for "small boobs"?

Max, I know I said this at the airport Arby's,

but I could totally see you living here.

Thanks, girl.

I could totally see you visiting us.

And look at this TV from the future.

Where are the cords?

And watch this. Television...

give me Samuel L. Jackson.

(Television) Finding Samuel L. Jackson.

Wow, he's in every movie.

He's like the black Kevin Bacon.

Dude, can you believe my life?

And you saw that pool out there.

You don't even have to blow it up.

[laughs]

Let's go look at it again.

Excuse me, Antonio? Could you water that cactus?

It's looking a little dry.

That didn't sound rude to the help, did it?

I don't want to be that person.

Meaning you.

Okay, Jennifer Lawrence will be here any minute,

and, Max, I have to say,

I'm having the best hair day ever.

[wind blowing]

I was having the best hair day ever.

Dude, Jennifer Lawrence took a helicopter here.

That is so baller.

No, it's probably the paparazzi following her.

Leave us be! We're just trying to live!

This is the police!

There is a dangerous criminal in the area.

We're looking for Walter Gary Vance.

Everyone, go inside.

This entire area is on lockdown.

No one will be allowed to pass the roadblock.

What're you doing?

Uh, there's a serial killer on the loose.

I'm doing what all heroes do.

I'm going on Twitter to add to the chatter.

Okay, I'm running to my cactus to call J Law's people

and make sure she doesn't come out here.

[gasps] Stop!

Don't go out there.

According to Twitter,

the murder is a cannibal,

and also according to Twitter,

KhloГ© Kardashian is feeling the burn.

Oh, my God, a cannibal?

We have to get inside.

I have this terrible feeling I'm delicious.

So, here we are.

Safe inside

in a house made of glass

on stilts

in a city long overdue for an earthquake.

[both scream]

[mouthing]

Ah.

We thought you were a crazy murderer.

I'm not crazy, but I could just

murder a cheese plate right now.

Oh, wow.

The hills are so exclusive.

I mean, it's all blocked off.

I haven't jumped this many hurdles

since the '84 Olympics.

Sophie, what're you doing here?

Jennifer Lawrence's people were trying to reach you,

so they called the hotel,

and to show you some love and kindness,

I came all the way here to tell you.

Yeah. Do you think that will get me a baby?

Not sure, but you can get a baby for 80 bucks on the dark web.

And it comes with two outfits.

What did Jennifer's people say?

I don't know.

So, you just came up here to tell me that they called,

but you didn't, like, listen to the words?

Oh, it's never enough for you, is it?

[meditative chanting] Ohm.

Ohm.

Ohm getting tired of meditating,

but I think it's working.

Ohm...

Jennifer Lawrence is probably freaking out

that she can't get to me.

The world doesn't revolve around you, bitch.

Ohm...ohm.

I can't just stand here anymore.

I'm going outside to get a signal.

You know what else you can get outside?

Ya face eaten.

Well, I'm gonna go risk the life I have

to go get the life I want.

Sounds like a trailer for a Liam Neeson movie.

(Television) Finding Liam Neeson.

Good luck.

That guys been taken more times than my virginities.

All right, I got a signal

and a warning growl from a coyote,

but I talked to Jennifer Lawrence's people,

and she and I are gonna FaceTime in 20 minutes.

If you still have a face.

Where's Bruno?

Maybe he's back there in the sauna

like a little hotdog.

[chuckles]

Where's my big boy?

Um, seriously, where's my big boy?

You didn't leave the door open, did you?

No.

I'm sure he's in here somewhere.

together: Bruno? Bruno?

Bruno?

Bruno?

(Television) Finding "Bruno."

Max, I'm really sorry.

Maybe we could replace the dog

with one that looks exactly the same.

Like men here do with wives.

Or maybe we don't assume he's dead after six seconds

and we go out there and find him.

Okay, good luck.

[scoffs] You are coming with me.

Randy loves Bruno,

and I lo-uh-ike Randy.

Don't think I didn't hear what you almost said.

- We need to find the dog. - But it's getting dark

and there's someone out there who wants to kill us.

Trust me, there's someone in there who wants to kill you.

Flashlights. We need flashlights.

You lo-uh-ike him.

Now there are two people in here who want to kill you.

Come here, big boy.

God, how could he have gotten this far on such little legs?

I don't know, Danny DeVito seems to get around a lot.

Even when you tell Randy this is 100% your fault,

he is still gonna break up with me.

Max, you've been with him four days.

I know, it's my longest relationship.

I'm really sorry, Max. We'll find him.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

- What, you see Bruno? - No, I see bars on my phone.

We have to stay right here.

It's almost time for my FaceTime.

Give me that stupid thing.

I'll put it down my pants.

And I'll go get it.

- [gasps and strains] - You gotta focus

and help me find that dog.

I don't want to ruin things with Randy

or his house.

Max, this is so far past boundaries.

Oh, don't talk to me about boundaries.

Who let the dog out? Who?

Who-who-who-who?

As I said to Kevin Burlington my sophomore year of college,

"Just take it."

This is serious.

Randy has given me so much.

Sunglasses, gift baskets,

an orgasm with eye contact.

- Oh, my God. - I know.

Usually, I have to push their face away.

No, look.

We're at the foot of the Hollywood sign.

Quick selfie?

I mean, we have to, right?

On the way back, once we find the dog.

Which we are definitely going to do.

[cell phone rings]

[gasps] Jennifer Lawrence is calling.

Did you just hang up on J Law?

I'm pretty sure that's against the J Law.

You're out here because you lost Randy's dog,

and there's a strange man standing over there,

and all you can think about is Jennifer Lawrence.

Did you just say there's a strange man standing over there?

Oh, my God, I did.

- Look... - [gasps]

See there, the old guy in the stained sweat suit.

Oh, he must be Randy's neighbor.

What's he doing out here?

[gasps] Oh, you found Bruno!

It's so funny, for a second

I thought he was the cannibal murderer.

[laughs]

(Caroline) Oh, my God, he has a knife.

Maybe he's just opening packages.

Come here. Come here, big boy.

- Uh...run, Max! - Come here, big boy.

- Come on. - Nothing to eat here.

I'm stringy and chewy.

(Max) Quick!

Quick, up here!

Maybe the helicopters will see us.

Yeah, and if not,

we can throw ourselves off the O.

I refuse to get eaten by an old man...

without a bank account.

Can cannibals climb?

Well, they're not called "climbables," so that's good.

Is he still there?

Well, we'll know in a second

'cause you're screaming within earshot

of a hungry people-eater.

You are surrounded! Put your hands up!

[both yelp]

Max, the police are here.

We're safe. We're safe.

Speak for yourself.

I'm technically under house arrest in Connecticut.

I let him eat ice cream.

He deserves it.

Who had a rough day yesterday?

I am really sorry, Randy.

You must think I'm as irresponsible as I am.

This is where you cry

and tell him it's all you and I'm perfect.

Sorry, I was just thinking,

that dogs gums and teeth look healthier than mine.

- I still can't believe my neighbor

was Walter Gary Vance the cannibal.

And honestly, it was way worse living next to Courtney Love.

I mean, it's not that hard.

Blue bins are for recycling,

Tuesdays are street cleaning,

Don't do heroin on my porch.

Yeah, that's a driveway sport.

Look, Bruno's gotten out before,

but the fact that you went out there to look for him

and risked your lives.

I mean, you were fearless.

Pfft, whatever. Maybe a little.

Ugh, great. Jennifer Lawrence just passed.

She's dead?

No, she passed on the movie.

It's her loss.

Well, it's your loss, but I feel like I owe you

for risking your life to find my boyfriend's dog.

Not that you're my boyfriend,

'cause gross.

I'd be lucky to be your boyfriend.

If I was, which yuck, I'm not.

Hey, everybody.

Look, I'm spiritually evolved now.

Yeah, you know, the meditating was screwing up my knees,

so I bought this getup from an Indian woman

at a bus stop.

Yeah, it's a lot easier.

Sophie, those flowers are beautiful.

Yeah...

and they're for you.

What're they gonna do to me?

They're an act of love and kindness.

Sophie, that's literally

the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know if it's my aura's clean,

or it's the 12.95 Bindi dot I'm wearing,

but I really do mean it.

Oh, Sophie, no. That's dog ice cream.

Mind your own business, bitch!

And we're back.

[cash register bell dings]