Original subtitles

Max, I feel like this woman on Tinder

is lying about her age.

If she's 78, I'm 25.

I'd say she's 80, but that rack is 40.

Well, maybe I can squeeze her in tonight,

but I already got eight dates.

With my arthritis it's impossible to swipe left.

(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Girls, you're going to have to close up tonight.

I'm pretty sure I have a date with Earl.

Han, your only friend that isn't imaginary is here.

He's dropping my VIP passes to Game Con.

Ned's demo-ing the brand new video game

he created, and I'll be there

hanging out in the cosplayer's lair.

Is that where you don't get laired?

Thank God I didn't tell you it was sponsored by Virgin.

I don't get video games.

In my day, if you wanted to enter another reality

you just took acid and went to the aquarium.

Game Con has awesome swag bags.

This year they're handing out iPads,

and last year I got the Microsoft Surface.

You are a microsoft surface.

Have fun at Lollapa-loser.

I would never go to Lame Con.

I've got to go to Game Con!

So we can make fun of Han some more?

Because video games really seem to be my put-down sweet spot.

Caroline, it's about time you knew.

I'm really into video games.

I've known since I was ten.

Max, are you coming out to me as a game woman?

There was this arcade

at the pizza place my mom used to leave me at.

Ms. Pac-Man taught me how to swallow pills.

All right, well, if we're confessing things,

I really want a free iPad, so I guess

you'll have to be nice to that nerd,

even if he is a customer.

All right, we got this.

Suck it up.

I'm not sucking anything.

Hey, everybody!

Well, I guess it's true what they say.

You can't hire my manicurist

to put an addition on your apartment, yeah.

Oh, you're renovating.

That explains the banging and power drills I hear.

Most of that was us.

We got some new sex toys.

It's like Santa's dirty workshop up there.

See, we're splitting the boudoir in half

so the baby can have its own bedroom.

Its own bedroom?

So the baby that you're not even pregnant with yet

is doing better than old Caroline?

No, Ming Wa wants me to give up my walk-in closet.

I mean, that's where my purses and half my hair live.

So purses and hair

are doing better than old Caroline too?

Uh, earwax is doing better than old Caroline.

[bell dings]

Come on, Caroline.

Let's shake these asses and get them passes.

Do you think I should shave my back

for tomorrow for Game Con?

My mom does.

Here are your fries.

Ned, have you been working out?

[gasping]

You know my name?

Max, take your hand away.

You'll kill him.

Is there any way you can get me into Game Con tomorrow?

Oh! This is rich.

The hot girls need something from the nerds

like in science class or any marriage in LA.

I don't have any more tickets...

or now a will to live.

So...this is awkward.

Well, puberty's a challenging time, Han.

I did it!

I got us in.

Max, again, I feel like the homeless shelter

would be a step down for us.

To Game Con.

I got us jobs as booth babes!

I'd rather go to the shelter.

What are booth babes?

We just have to wear these dresses,

look hot, and hand out some flyers.

Like a sexy Jehovah's Witness.

Wearing that? Where's the top?

- That is the top. - Okay, where's the bottom?

- You're looking at it. - Where's the middle?

- That's it. - And the rest?

Oh, right.

Slutty boots!

Are we really gonna show

our vaginas for a gift bag?

Yes, what else are they for?

You heard Han.

We could get a TV, XBoxes, your precious iPad.

At the very least, bottled water.

[knock at door]

It's just so degrading to parade around in short skirts

and be fake nice to nerds and--

oh, my God, that's what we do at the diner.

Hey, girls.

We had to fire our contractor.

Yeah, it's just taking too long.

It's like having sex with a guy on Prozac.

Been there.

And I'm still waiting.

So we hired my cousin.

She and I have become close since we stopped dating.

I mean, we were going to stay at a hotel,

but why do that when we can stay with friends?

Friends? What friends?

Not you, Caroline. Max.

I can't believe what I'm wearing.

This dress sets women back further than HBO's "Ballers."

Well, I think it's nice to be paid to put on clothes for once.

"Ant Thrax"?

Oops.

You'll have to get it.

I can't bend over any further

or everyone will see my PlayStation.

[techno music playing]

Did a very slow earthquake just hit this booth?

*

Hi. Is this, like, a real dance,

or should I go get help?

*

They're not having seizures.

I think we're supposed to dance like that.

*

Max? Caroline?

Even though you just saw us doing that,

we are still so much cooler than you.

Yes, but the gap's getting smaller.

How did you two get in here?

A continuing series of bad decisions.

You wouldn't help us,

so we decided to be booth babes.

The most recent in the continuing series

of those bad decisions.

(Han) Max, Caroline, I'd like you to meet my gamer crew.

Basically, my Han-tourage.

You were right, this thing was sponsored by Virgin.

If you guys are here,

who's watching your grandmother's basements?

And this is my plus-on, Eunice.

AKA Super Nintend-Ho.

We never met till today.

Isn't he the cutest?

He saved me from a burning village,

and then he asked me to marry him.

[chuckles] Actually, my avatar asked

her avatar to get married...

in the game.

Congratulations.

That's not sad.

I'm gonna go get my Pixel Pie a drink.

It's the least I can do for the man

who pulled me from a roaring inferno.

[chuckles]

Hurry back!

I should have let her burn!

Are you kidding?

She's your type:

willing.

But I can't be tied down.

Between this VIP pass

and my suite at the Holiday Inn Express,

I could be the Don Juan of Game Con.

She's coming!

Oh, where's Han Solo going?

Uh...the PokГ©mon booth started a flash mob

and they needed a Pikachu.

Death Bitch!

I knew you seemed familiar.

You look like that new character, Death Bitch.

Your booth is right over there.

It's the most popular video game here...

after "Girlfriend Simulator."

Oh, my God, Max.

[gasps] Look.

Han's gamer friend nerd is carrying you away.

And I do not like where he has his hand.

Ned, stop!

(Max) Yeah.

At least buy me drink first.

I'm just gonna put this down.

Ned, this is your game?

You turned Max into some kind of Boobarella.

I'm sorry, you weren't supposed to see this yet.

I was going to invite you to the official release party.

If this guy's having a release party,

it's probably into an old sock.

By the way, I'm taking this.

I need someone to cover my shift at the diner tomorrow.

I don't think you'll need to work at the diner

after you're compensated for Ned stealing your likeness.

My mom said it was fine.

I can get money for this?

Because I'm pretty sure

"Grand Theft Auto" is based on how I got to New York.

How you doing?

Tony Shapiro, Rock N' Roll Games.

Recently divorced.

Tony, I don't think you bargained for

a Wharton-educated booth babe...

and neither did I.

But your designer stole my friend's likeness

without her consent,

so we're entitled to a percentage of the profits.

This illustration is not so similar that it would hold up

in a court of law.

Oh, my God, Death Bitch.

That's not her.

[scoffs] The hell it's not.

Look at her, dude.

One, two.

Look, it's clear you guys don't have the money for a lawyer.

That's true. Keep talking.

But I get you want a payday,

so I will pay your friend to play Amorta

and take pictures with the fans at our photo booth tomorrow.

You're in luck.

The model we hired died of an overdose.

At least she died doing what I love.

Tony, we may look like we've settled in life,

but we aren't gonna settle here.

We stand to make millions if we take you to court.

- No, you don't. - That's true, keep talking.

What do you want?

Throw in a free iPad and I'll deliver her on-time and clean.

You'll get me here on time.

[device whirring]

Um...what's happening here?

Is this the foreplay or the cleanup?

Sophie's using a PedEgg on my feet.

[giggles] And it tickles.

Yeah, you know, if you go just one day

without shaving calluses,

you've already lost the war.

[device resumes whirring]

Yeah, well, I'm sorry for the mess.

Uh, I had to bring down some basic necessities.

Yeah, like...like plates and cups and toilet paper.

Wait, is that a TV and an XBox in my apartment?

I don't know what to do.

I've been waiting for this day my whole life,

and now that it's hear I'm shy.

Yeah, this is how we watch TV.

We get Hulu, Netflix, YouTube...

YouSpank...

SpankBank...

PornOnTheCob.

Can I pop in this sweet demo game I got today?

It's a hyper-sexualized, violent version of me

who kills everyone who gets in my way.

It's a biopic, really.

Stick it in and I'll watch you play.

[laughs]

Gosh, if I had a nickel every time Oleg said that--

You'd be able to afford a hotel room?

Okay, well, I'm gonna go in the other room,

anywhere but here...

which now smells like patchouli and pierogis.

Oh, we have a sex swing now.

(male video game narrator) Welcome to Asrieth, Amorta.

You must kill anything that moves.

Go.

[Amorta grunting]

This chick is my spirit animal.

All she's doing is drinking from a flask

and punching people in the face.

Max, she's just like you.

[Amorta continues grunting]

(Amorta) Yak Girl, come!

[grunts] I need you!

[yak moaning]

What's that silly animal thing?

Yak Girl. [scoffs]

I think she's my sidekick.

Hey. [chuckles]

That thing looks just like Caroline.

It does!

It looks like Caroline!

Why did I hear my name? [Yak groans]

Why am I seeing a horse thing that has my face?

Please, Caroline, it's not a horse thing with your face.

It's a yak thing with your face.

[yak groaning]

That's the sound you make

when you have to do side work at the diner.

(Amorta) [grunts] Yak Girl, come!

Hey, look.

Max, you're riding her.

Oh!

Oh, no, no way.

I'm calling that Tony jerk right now.

[Yak groans] So what?

She just lets Death Bitch ride her?

That's all Yak Girl does?

No, she poops when you hit this button.

[farting]

[laughs]

Ah, Caroline can't stop pooping!

Just like that one time at the diner.

Tony, this is Caroline Channing,

AKA Yak Girl.

I am taking you to court.

That's true. Keep talking.

That's your big offer?

That I dress like that and take pictures with nerds?

Well, let me just say to you, sir,

I will need an iPad, as well.

[farting]

[laughing]

Somebody better go out and get that toilet paper.

How long till Death Bitch?

I have to go take my medication.

What are you taking? You got any extra?

Right this way.

This is so exciting.

[cheering]

This will be fun.

I haven't been paid to be a bitch since I worked at the DMV.

Ooh, a green screen.

Look, I'm on another planet.

Finally got that vacation.

Hey, Yak Girl, come on out. Time is money!

You okay in there?

This is what it must be like for Kim Kardashian to enter a room.

All right, it's pretty simple.

One picture.

And don't worry if you get a boner.

We'll crop it out.

Could I be any more humiliated?

I just want a photo with her.

Not you.

I guess you could.

Fine, I'm probably due for a poop, anyway.

[sighs]

Aah!

I'm okay!

Can you chop my head off?

It'll be the best head you'll ever get.

All right, get out of here. I killed you.

Hold on.

Death Bitch, say your catchphrase.

Remember: even in death,

you're my bitch.

- [sighs]

- I'm really liking this identity.

It's better than the other 17 I've had.

- Nobody wants to take a photo with me.

I mean, baby got yak, right, Max?

Will you just let me enjoy this?

This is a dream come true for me.

I'm at a game convention.

I'm the star of a video game.

I can kill without consequences.

I'm pretty much peaking right now.

Yeah, well, I have hooves.

Can I just be upset for one minute?

Max, hide me.

Looks like you're doing a pretty good job of that yourself.

Aah!

Seriously, help.

Get back here, Han Solo!

You promised we'd build our lives together.

We shared that Hot Pocket "Lady in the Tramp" style.

Uh, miss?

There's gotta be better people out there.

Have you tried literally anyone else?

I convinced my sister to sign me out for this weekend,

so you are not gonna stop me from seeing my Han.

Back off, Amorta!

Uh, Han, you're on your own.

I can't ruin this costume.

I'm gonna need it the next time I have to get out of jury duty.

Oh, no, I'm a goner.

She's gonna eat me alive.

You should have seen her go to town on that Hot Pocket.

Out of the way, Han. I'll show you all

I can do more than just poop.

Oh.

[groans]

Uh, Yak Girl?

Your heinie quarters are showing.

Got it.

This is gonna the girl I'm catfishing real jealous.

Hey, Earl.

Hey, Caroline. Hey, Max.

Hey, Max.

Hi, Max. Hey.

Look at that.

I have the exact same antlers.

That's not me.

You can tell by how fast she's moving.

Know what's not moving fast?

Our construction.

Yeah, we had to fire Oleg's cousin.

Turns out the sexual tension was still there.

Hey body...not so much.

Yeah, so it's gonna take at least another week.

A week?

There goes the "no sex while Max and Caroline are awake" rule.

That wasn't sex you were having in front of us?

Max, Caroline,

I don't know how I'll ever repay you

for getting Eunice off my back.

I do.

Sophie and Oleg are staying at your place for a week.

I was thinking an extra baked potato with your shift meal.

Yeah, Han, um...

how much bouncing can your bed take?

You're killing me, Max.

Yep, even in death,

you're my bitch.

[cash register dings]