Original subtitles

Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner.

Your lifespan just decreased by one meal.

[dramatic music]

*

Would you like to order now or after that galaxy is destroyed?

[glass shattering]

Oh, dude, I can hold up one finger, too,

and trust me; it won't be that one.

Booth one is all yours.

If I wanted to deal with a guy

who won't even acknowledge my existence,

I'd track down my father.

(man) Makeup needs to complement the personality.

Sorry, I wasn't listening.

Mr. Eye Queen's about to show me how to pluck my eyebrows.

Finally.

I've been telling you for a year you need to get plucked.

[bell dings]

Pick up. Fried egg over easy.

[woman moaning]

Correction: make that over hard.

Max, that's Earl's order.

Can you?

You know, I could just check out

and phone in this job, too,

but I promised myself

I'd never grow up to be my gynecologist.

Earl, I know you remember a time

where people still made eye contact

and get the fact that I was totally dissing them.

It's a damn shame, Max.

Thank you, Earl.

The Mets are down in the bottom of the sixth.

Now you have one?

Earl, three months ago,

you thought T-Mobile was a rapper.

Max, I want to talk to you.

Well, why not?

Everyone else is listening

to something tiny and made in Asia.

I just heard the funniest joke.

A guy is driving a car up a hill and he sees a pig in the road.

Wait. Oh yes, I forgot.

It's raining.

It's raining, and there is a pig.

[jazzy music]

I'm listening.

And then the pig is in the car--

no, the pig is in the road,

and--I'll be right back.

(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Thank you. Come again.

Hey, what do you want to do after work tonight?

Maybe we could go to that trendy new ice cream place

that only sells juice.

Nah, I'm too tired.

I've been on my feet since 2003.

Hi, can I get a red velvet-- oh, my God, Max Black?

Oh, my God, Becky White?

Holy crap. How long has it been?

Let's see. When was I on "Intervention"?

Well, your hair's grown back on the right side,

so I'd say five years.

Hi, I'm Caroline.

I'd wait for Max to introduce me,

but she usually tells people

I'm Taylor Swift's slow cousin Randi.

Nice to meet you.

Max, I did not think you would still be alive.

I owe you $10.

Becky's an actress.

I just saw her in "Law and Order."

She owned "deli worker who barely knew the victim."

Yeah, I've done three "Law and Orders."

Pretty easy work.

They usually find me in a trunk.

How do you two know each other?

Max and I waited tables together.

Well, mostly stood around and got drunk,

but they paid us.

Nice shop.

Looks like you guys have a business together too.

Too?

You two too?

We invented an Uber just for women.

Boober.

It would've been awesome,

except we didn't have an app...or a car.

Hey, forget about this cupcake.

I just got paid.

How about drinks on me?

And by drinks, I mean one PBR each.

I guess I could do drinks.

Do you mind closing up? Thanks.

I'll meet you out front.

Awesome.

Nice meeting you, Brandi.

It's Randi!

[rock music]

Hey, Earl, what's shaking?

Max, I'm pushing 80.

The easier question is, "What isn't shaking?"

Max, where were you last night?

I had to watch "Carson Daly" alone and say,

"This show's still on?" to no one.

I crashed on Becky's couch,

of which-- you're not gonna believe this--

she is the first owner.

So did you guys have fun last night,

or was it weird because you've grown apart?

Let's just say we're gonna be in not one,

but two wedding albums.

Becky can dance her some hora.

Fun.

That's so fun that you had fun.

Uh, what's happening here?

I guess I just thought we were...

Forget it.

Oh, no, please.

It's like watching a bird fly into a window

in slow motion.

Well, you know, I thought we were exclusive,

for lack of a better word.

What, like monogamous?

You thought we were in a monogamous friendship?

I'm not even monogamous with the people I'm monogamous with.

What is the big deal?

You had friends before we were friends.

Bunch of rich bitches.

You guys talking about that show, "Friends"?

People always say, "Why was there no black friend?"

Because no reasonable black man

would hang out with those people.

He's been waiting to get that off his chest

since the mid-'90s.

You know what I just realized?

I've never tried to make friends as a not-rich person.

You made friends with me.

Against my will, but still.

Guess what I'm doing?

Motivating me to look at resumes on monster.com?

I'm gonna make a friend right now.

There's a girl in my section with clean-ish looking hair.

Speaking of hair, pick up.

[bell dings] Cobb salad.

Max, how's this for my friend-making smile?

Do you have more teeth than me?

Here's you salad. Dressing on the side.

I'm sort of a "DOS" gal myself.

[chuckles]

Okay.

Thanks.

Maybe we should, I don't know, grab a couple salads sometime.

The Yelp review specifically said

I would be ignored by the waitstaff.

There's hair in your salad.

Excuse me.

The water's supposed to be that color.

No, no.

I just think it's cool how brave you were

to put yourself out there like that.

I haven't been called cool since I had a black card

and owned 3/4 of an island.

I'm Rachel. This is Kathy.

I'm Caroline,

and you have no idea how brave I am.

You should see where I shower.

[both laugh]

She should come to our party.

She just moved to Williamsburg,

and we're having a party tomorrow.

- You should come. - Oh, you know what?

I'm busy tomorrow night because I'm going to your party!

[laughter]

I've seen people with podcasts less desperate for approval.

*

Max, I had the most amazing night.

Me too. Becky just left.

She has to get up early tomorrow.

Not to brag, but she's playing a dead hooker

on "Blue Bloods."

Oh, so she came here for research.

Anyways, my new friends Rachel and Kathy

and everybody there were so warm and positive.

Uh-huh.

It was so refreshing to be around people

who were super driven and focused.

Uh-huh.

And we had such interesting conversations.

Honestly, after talking to them,

I felt like anything is possible.

Oh, you guys did molly?

Now I'm jealous.

These people don't need drugs to be happy.

Oh, so it's a cult.

How did you get cult from that?

You think the only way I can make friends

is by joining a cult?

No.

You could also always have gum.

In fact, they're so nice,

they invited you to come for the weekend.

- Uh-uh. - Fresh country air.

- No thanks. - Gorgeous views.

- Not for me. - Free food and booze.

I could be in a cult for the weekend.

[rock music]

*

[Caroline gasps]

This place is amazing.

I know. Fancy.

And that was the first bus I've been on

where I didn't see an under-the-blanket handy.

I'm Topher. From the bus.

You were throwing sunflower seeds in my hair.

This is Lady Marmalade.

People named Topher shouldn't be allowed

to name other living things.

Please don't make fun of her.

She has seasonal depression.

We both do.

Hey, Caroline, I'm so glad you could come.

And you must be...

Starving.

Just give me the tray.

[laughs]

This is Max.

Thank you so much for inviting us.

Yeah, the last invitation we got was to audition for porn.

Less of an invitation;

more of a shout from a convertible.

"You girls want to do porn?"

Well, Elaine will be out in a minute,

so in the meantime, just be your awesome self.

Isn't she great?

So see? It's nice here.

And you thought it was a cult.

I also thought peanuts never touched the eggs at the diner,

but then that lady died.

Welcome, everyone.

(all) Hi, Elaine.

There are only two rules in this house:

love one another

and don't talk to the neighbors.

I hate them.

I'm so glad you all could make it.

Oh, except Jerry.

He's getting Lasik.

He should've listened. I told him to eat more kale.

Kale is good for the eyes.

[laughing] Okay.

Now make yourselves at home.

You mean don't pay our rent

and hide every time we hear someone in the hall?

Elaine, this is Caroline,

our new friend.

Hello, Caroline.

I've heard so many wonderful things.

And you are?

Looking for some dipping sauces.

I'm Max.

A lady who knows what she wants. I like that.

My ex-husband knew what he wanted:

to be a woman.

And now he is.

I miss her.

And all my shoes.

I hear you, sister.

But seriously, something like a honey mustard

or really anything in the Dijon world.

Whoo, she's a tough nut.

My favorite kind.

Except for cashews.

Max, Elaine is amazing.

Look around.

This is my new social circle.

This is the saddest circle I've seen

since my mom peed on the floor at Wal-Mart.

Can you just admit it's not a cult?

Everyone gather 'round.

Let's have some mutual eye contact.

That's nice. That's just being a person.

Look to the person next to you,

and open the door to them with your eyes.

Bitch, that door is locked.

Nicely done.

All right, everyone.

I'd like us to recite our mantra.

My best is my best, and that's why I'm blessed.

(all) My best is my best,

and that's why I'm blessed.

Don't mumble, Connie.

(all) My best is my best,

and that's why I'm blessed.

Okay, it's a cult.

Little bit.

(all) My best is my best,

and that's why I'm blessed.

*

All right, everyone.

Let the sound of the bowls wash over you,

cleansing you from head to toe

and everywhere in-between.

These bowls got their work cut out for them.

Everyone, close your eyes and quiet the mind,

and receive the healing vibrations.

Sound bathe us, Eugene.

[bowls ringing]

When you feel called to join the bowls,

begin with a soft...

[hums]

[all humming]

I usually begin with a soft hummer.

[laughs]

[mimicking humming] How are we gonna

get out of this?

Let's just call it what it is:

a cult.

[mimicking humming] I'm not going anywhere

until I see what's in those bowls.

I'm hoping for fettuccini.

I hope it's not fettuccini

because I really don't like cream-based sauces.

Do you mind?

This is important for Lady Marmalade.

She has fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia and seasonal depression?

You really won the dog lottery.

All right, everyone.

You may gently bring your energy

back into the room

whenever you feel ready.

[gong clangs]

We got to get out of here.

What are we gonna do? We're in the middle of nowhere.

You know what would save the day right now?

Boober.

- Caroline. - Hmm?

Did anything come up for you during the sound bath?

A little bit of the chicken satay, but all good.

Max, how are you?

Were you touched at all?

In high school, I was touched by an angel.

Well, technically, his name was...

[in Spanish accent] Angel.

Oh-ho.

I know this probably all seems like a lot of hooey,

but I assure you you'll wake up feeling refreshed.

And Eugene makes a hell of a pancake breakfast.

He uses ricotta.

We're staying.

I mean, ricotta? We gotta.

I guess so.

It'll be like staying at a B and B

run by a lame Ron Hubbard.

Goodnight, everyone.

Rachel has your room assignments.

Caroline, you're sharing a room with me.

Yay.

Max, you're sharing a room with Topher and Lady Marmalade.

[scoffs]

Can I ever get a good roommate?

And do not fear.

Before the night is over, each of you will have a chance

to make love with me.

And the rest of the satay just came up.

Before the sunrise, our moons will unite.

Well, I'm guessing her moon's not waxed.

*

[whispering] Caroline.

Caroline.

Caroline, where are you?

Caroline?

[knocking]

I thought you were gonna be Elaine...

and I'm not drunk enough for that!

By the way, the piglet's popping the snout out.

[knocking]

Oh, I thought you were gonna be Elaine.

And I thought I was gonna be dead at 14,

but you can't always get what you want.

Max!

Max, oh, my God. Are you okay?

Please tell me Elaine didn't get to you.

I could never live with myself.

Or you.

[Elaine chuckles]

I'm sorry it took me so long to climax.

I know I was almost there for quite some time.

Max, Caroline, what are you doing out here?

We were just anxiously awaiting

intercourse with you.

Really?

'Cause unless that bag's full of marital aids,

it looks like you're trying to sneak out.

Look, Elaine,

this is all a lot, and no offense,

but you can't be the first person

I have sex with this year.

I understand that you're both feeling a little overwhelmed,

but before you go, why don't we discuss this as a group

in a healing way?

All right, Eugene, stay where you are.

You need some rest.

Maybe a little protein.

*

So you know what? We're just gonna go.

You can tell that guy at the door

he can just step aside so we can, you know,

start running.

Caroline, you are free to go at any time.

So we can go right now?

No.

Caroline, why don't you sit here, and Rachel,

bring Max over by the gong.

Siri, remind me to patent a gong bong.

Also remind me to get a phone with Siri.

Now, I know some of you have not yet laid with me tonight...

But it's come to my attention

that we have an N.N. in our midst.

[all gasp]

- What? - Who?

Quick Q on the N.N.

Do either of those Ns stand for nachos?

N.N. stands for Negative Nelly.

Negative Nancy was already trademarked

by another group run by my ex-husband, Nancy.

Caroline, do you have any idea who this N.N. could be?

I believe it's "whom" and no, I don't.

Caroline, are you where you want to be in life?

Oh, God, no.

And would you say there's someone holding you back?

Well, I do feel like

hearing about Amy Schumer every day

makes me feel a little "less than."

Caroline, is there someone in this room

who you brought with brown hair

whose Negative Nelly-ness

is blocking you in ways you don't even realize?

Wait a minute.

I'm starting to think this is about me.

Just having spent a few short hours with Max

and recording all your conversations...

It's pretty clear

that she is undermining your path to success

with her wisecracks and wordplay.

Look.

Max might seem negative, because she is,

but you would be, too, if you were her.

She's been neglected, rejected, knocked down, and spat on.

Some of that was consensual.

See?

That was positive.

So you will give up all these potential connections

just for her?

Caroline, I used to live in Jersey City,

and now I live in a better part of New Jersey.

Elaine, I thought I needed to make new friends,

and that's how I wound up here,

but turns out all I needed was Max.

I'll take my chances with her.

[chuckles] Huge mistake.

Huge.

Well, then you're free to go.

Just need to settle up your bill.

This weekend is only free for friends.

Rachel.

I ate $700 worth of shrimp?

That seems about right.

We can't pay that.

Is there a ship we can scrub?

Or a gay celebrity we can marry?

Don't worry. I'll settle up with Elaine.

Do you accept nature's credit card?

Get out.

*

(Caroline) I can't believe the only way I can make a friend

is to join a cult.

(Max) Well, you made friends with me, and I'm not in a cult...

anymore.

(Caroline) Max, are you and I gonna be like you and Becky someday?

(Max) Not unless one of us gets really, really,

I mean, so much cooler.

(Caroline) I'm serious.

Am I gonna be just some waitress you used to know?

'Cause that would kill me.

[Max sighs]

(Max) I don't think of you that way at all.

- Aww. - I mean as a waitress.

(Max) Look, yes, Becky and I worked together,

and yes, we had kind of a business dream, too,

but you and I have so much more than that.

You and I are about to die in the woods.

Look.

(Caroline) We are getting in that car

even if this guy has a hook for a hand.

(Oleg) Wazzup?

(Sophie) Hey, girls.

(Caroline) I never thought I'd be happy to see Oleg

on a dark road at night.

Sophie, what are you guys doing here?

Oh, well, Max texted me her location.

Said if I didn't hear back from her,

you'd been abducted by the cult and to come rescue you.

I was in a cult once.

It's called Avon.

So you were so certain I couldn't make a normal friend

you had an escape plan?

Hey, sometimes my negativity pays off.

Sometimes it gets me in mall jail.

*