Original subtitles

Hold up! Nobody leave.

Someone, and I'm not naming Max,

has been stealing from the diner.

Well, the diner has been stealing from me.

Youth, energy, will to live.

So new policy: before any employee leaves,

there will be a pat-down.

I tried to start that policy years ago.

Seriously, Han?

Is that really how you want to get

to second base for the first time?

It's not ideal, no.

Max, you're first.

Fine.

Feel me up, Low-bo-cop.

What's this?

It's a boob, sad man.

This, however, is bologna.

Shame on you! That's tomorrow's salmon.

While we're coming clean,

I stole your identity three years ago.

It's over now, but I was caught up

in a kind of Jason Bourne situation.

Caroline, I'm coming to you next.

And I thought this uniform

would be the worst thing touching my body today.

Quick reminder: I'm a human being.

Caroline, literally slow your roll.

Well, if you're gonna hit bottom,

you better have something to wipe it with.

Earl--

Now, I know you are not

about to accuse a black man of stealing...

in this current political climate.

No, of course not.

I was just going to wish you a wonderful evening.

Here, Max.

You can have my bologna.

(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

(man) And I just--

I think I love you.

[can hissing]

(woman) I love you too.

Uh, Caroline?

Oh, good.

You brought someone else with you to see that.

Owen, Caroline. Caroline, Owen.

Owen, bedroom. Caroline, later.

Owen, nice to meet you.

Do I detect a Philadelphia accent?

I haven't said anything yet.

But I gotta tell you, you really took the cool out of Cool Whip.

Let's go in my room.

Oh, actually, Max, it's, uh--it's kinda late.

I gotta be at work early.

But I had a good time. Good night.

I'll call you tomorrow. We'll do something.

Oh...

my...

God.

It finally happened.

Someone doesn't want to have sex with me!

He said he gotta be at work early.

Isn't that weird?

That you're dating a guy with a job?

Yeah, that is weird.

Max, maybe you finally met a guy

who wants to get to know you

before he jumps into bed with you.

Maybe Owen's the one.

The one that won't have sex with me!

So what happens around here

when nothing happens around here?

Well, when that's not happening,

cheesecake is a fun alternative.

I stole one from the diner 'cause I thought

you wouldn't be home and I'd be sad.

You hide that between your legs too?

[knock at door]

(Sophie) Open up!

I smell cheesecake!

Oh. And you know...

And you know what that smells like.

Girl talk.

Girl talk?

All right, but if we lez out, nobody catch feelings.

Eh, I'm just talking about a little chick-ity chat.

You know, friends sharing with friends

in a completely safe environment.

Well, I've been having this recurring dream--

Yeah, well, you'll have it again.

Let's talk about me.

Girls, Oleg and I have been having a lot of sex.

You know, standing up, sitting down,

on a elevator, on a escalator.

Oh, yeah.

Going down and up at the same time.

All of that unprotected sex, and still no baby.

Did you just come here to brag?

You know, Sophie,

sometimes when people have trouble getting pregnant,

they see a doctor.

Sophie, where did you go?

I looked up from the harness, and you were gone.

Well, Caroline thinks one of us...

Mmm.

And she's not pointing fingers at anyone,

but one of us...

you know, may need to get the sperm tested.

All right, but I've been known to miss the cup.

*

All right, Earl.

After last night's date, I need a rebound.

I'm ready for you to set me up with your friend.

He's dead.

I didn't say which friend.

They're all dead, Max.

Jeez, one guy doesn't want to sleep with you,

and you're sweatin' to the oldies?

Flowers?

Oh, no! Am I dead too?

I'm looking for Max.

She said she doesn't work here.

What is he doing here?

It's so awkward seeing a guy

the day after he doesn't see you naked.

Hey.

These are for you.

Flowers?

For future reference, I'm more of a

"Mickey's Malt Liquor" kind of girl.

Hey, can we talk over there in that booth?

It depends. How's your immune system?

Caroline, cover my tables.

First I'll put these in some diner water.

I hope these flowers like little floating meat bits.

So...you take me to dinner,

treat me like a lady,

and bring me flowers.

What kind of sick stuff are you into?

Max, I like you a lot.

Then why aren't you laying on top of me somewhere?

Look, I want us to get to know each other

before we have sex

to be able to trust each other,

keep each other's secrets.

Fine; just tell me your safe word, and let's go.

Mine is "pot sticker."

I'm serious,

'cause when we do have sex, you're gonna find out

that I'm not...

well, I'm not regular down there.

Um..."not regular"?

So does it look something like...

This?

No. And bigger.

Uh, so something like...

This?

No, it doesn't have a face.

Max, something's wrong in the kitchen.

Not here. Nothing's wrong here.

Just come with me.

Uh, well, can I see you tomorrow?

Sure, but at least be late.

Give me something to work with.

I heard what he said.

What the heck does "not regular down there" mean?

I don't know.

All I know is, it doesn't mean this.

It could be anything.

In Moscow, I saw this amazing penis freak show,

"Ripleyvitch Believe It or Nyet."

I'm not over it "nyet."

So you're really gonna go out with Owen again?

I mean, you're playing penis roulette down there.

It could be gnarly or wonky or...

truly haunting.

You're right.

I gotta see it!

*

Okay, tell me again.

Talk to my like I'm a 10-year-old...

with overdeveloped boobs.

It's simple.

Owen just wants to get to know you

before he has sex with you.

That is sick! I'm ten.

Here. Let's practice.

Pretend I'm Owen, and ask me something.

So, Owen, when you gonna take "dem" pants off?

Hi, girls.

Do you think anyone would notice

if you closed your shop

and we had a girls' day tomorrow?

Where we going tomorrow, Sophie?

Say Coney Island, say Coney Island.

We're going to a gynecologist!

Yeah, see, Oleg said that he'd get himself checked out,

so, to be a team player,

I'm gonna let a doctor poke around my front bottom.

Well, obviously I'm honored,

but that's gonna be a hard "no" from me.

Oh, girls!

I don't want to go alone.

I'm scared!

You know, in Poland, our doctor was also the butcher,

you know, because he already had the white coat

and the metal draining table.

I mean, you try sharing a waiting room

with a bunch of nervous sheep.

[bleating] Baaah!

Baaaah!

Sheep flashbacks?

I am obviously in.

Buh-bye.

*

This is the part where the sheep

really started to freak out.

[bleating] Baaah!

Sophie, just relax,

and maybe change into this paper gown

so the doctor can have better access.

And as I'm saying this,

I really wonder what I am doing here.

Well, I don't need a gown.

I ripped the middle right out of my Spanx.

[phone chimes]

It's Owen.

"How about dinner tonight?

Italian, sushi, whatever you're in the mood for."

I'm in the mood for a little...

[mimics bed squeaking]

Max, why don't you invite him over?

You can make him a romantic dinner,

and then you can watch

"American Horror Story: Penis Edition."

Miss Kuchenski, I'm Dr. Surden.

[bleating] Baaah!

Miss Kuchenski, why aren't you wearing a gown,

and why are you clenching your knees?

Oh, no.

I got the lock legs.

Hang on; I got an idea.

[laughing]

That tickles!

Make your move now, Doc!

That tickles!

Baaah!

Uh, m-m-maybe I'll have the nurse

bring something to relax you.

I'll take a water if we're getting stuff.

I got to get out of here.

But, Sophie, he hasn't even examined you yet.

What's going on?

You're acting odd-er than usual.

Well, what if Oleg and I can't have a baby

because there's something wrong with me?

I mean, what if it's not Oleg's swimmers?

What if it's my pool?

I mean, that would be so...

[bleating] sad.

*

Here's how I want things to unfold.

Do you think his thing will unfold?

Like Beetlejuice?

Do you think you can handle getting to know him?

I'm getting really upset.

Hey, I have questions prepared.

I'll be fine.

You're the one who has to sit at Starbucks

and listen to homeless Barb pitch her screenplay

for the next three hours.

Uh, careful.

I've got a producer credit on that.

[knock on door]

Max, your package is here.

Hey.

Hope you like white wine.

Of course. I live with her.

And "her" is leaving.

Nice to see you, Owen.

You two have a great time getting to know each other.

Don't let this one talk your ear off.

She's the type of girl that just loves to talk.

You look beautiful.

You went to all this trouble.

I did. Thank you.

And you look...

man-beautiful.

Shall we sit and get to know each other?

Like, for instance,

"Your wife's work friend Gary

"invites her away on a business trip

"where they'd be sharing one room.

Do you, A--"

- Max. - I know.

Obviously, she bones him.

When I said "get to know each other,"

I wasn't thinking "Scruples."

I'm more of a "Hungry Hungry Hippos" guy.

I wish I could afford "Scruples."

This is "Scrumples."

Look, I don't know how to do this.

I feel stupid.

You may feel stupid,

but you look really cute right now.

I do?

How cute do I look?

A, super very a lot.

B--

Oh, it's A.

Seriously, have you never gotten to know anybody ever?

I...don't know.

How do people get to know each other?

I mean, what do you want to know?

We didn't have any money growing up.

My mom was an alcoholic.

My father was...

not able to be located by Maury Povich.

We moved a lot because

the parking brake on our house didn't work.

So now you know me.

I guess you'll be leaving.

Was that an A, kiss good-bye?

That's for being cute and for sharing that.

I definitely think we should skip dinner--

blow this out 'cause I worry about fire;

that's something about me--

and go straight to dessert.

Is it weird that I want to talk now?

[belt buckle jingles, fly zips]

(Owen) Oh, wow.

Going right for it, huh?

(Max) Wow.

Never would've drawn that.

*

I can't believe you won't tell me

what's not regular about Owen's "down there."

I tell you everything.

Fine.

Meet me at the first coleslaw tub.

Come alone.

- Get out. - But I'm cooking.

Get out.

Fine. This is garbage anyway.

Okay, okay. Tell me.

All right.

Remember on "Full House,"

when you thought there was one Michelle,

but there were actually two Michelles...

Why are you bringing up

one of the craziest days of my life?

He has two.

Two what?

Owen has two penises!

Why is it so hard to understand?

Is that a thing that can happen?

Yes. It's called diphallia.

I just Googled it.

It's a medical condition in which a male

is born with two penises.

The only case in which two dongs make a right.

Oleg, this was supposed to be private.

I think you mean "privates."

What's the ball count?

Oleg, stop Googling!

I'm not Googling.

Now I'm on the phone with Sophie.

(Sophie) Who has two penises?

Max's boyfriend.

What's going on back here?

(Sophie) Max's boyfriend has two penises!

Okay! Okay! That's it.

No more talk about Owen's penis

or his other penis.

Well, Max, I guess he's not the one...

'cause he's the two.

Actually, I really like him,

and not just because I can cheat on him with him.

Max, you can't be serious.

Hey, everyone has something wrong with them.

I'm messed up on the inside.

At least Owen's is right out there

where you can see it.

*

Owen's stopping by just to chat.

I like talking now.

I think I'm gonna tell him

about the first time I ran away from home.

I crawled to Detroit.

Max, I think it's great you were able

to look past Owen's situation.

Even the sight of one of them can be disturbing.

Hey, everybody!

Oh, good news.

Oleg's got strong sperm.

Well, that's the end of this cookie.

And the bad news is...

Oh, I thought that was the bad news.

I went back to the doctor, and he said

I can still get pregnant.

It's just gonna take a while, you know,

'cause my eggs are a bit like the eggs here at the diner.

You know, not exactly bad,

just real close to the use-by date.

Sophie, what made you go back to the doctor?

Well, you know, I was doing a lot of soul-searching,

and I left my purse there.

So I figured, you know, while I'm here,

why not take a look, you know?

I mean, like Max said, everybody's got something.

Well, not to brag,

but mine's got two somethings.

Hi. I'm here for, uh...

Table for two. I mean one!

Why did I say two?

I don't know. Have a good one.

You too. I mean, one!

Oh, hi. Yeah.

I've heard a lot about you.

You know, but not everything.

You know, just a couple of things.

- She knows? - What?

Um, no.

This is like meeting Elvis

if Elvis had two penises and didn't die on his toilet.

Okay. They all know.

Owen, wait! Wait. I'm sorry.

Uh, I expected him to walk differently.

Did anybody else think that?

Yeah, I was wondering if he wears briefs and boxers.

I was wondering if he'd let me take a selfie with them.

Guys, Max really likes Owen,

and she might have blown it.

Which, again, seems like a lot of work.

What happened?

He broke up with me.

He broke up with you?

He said I betrayed his trust,

and I said, whether I like it or not,

you guys know everything.

You're part of the package.

And what did he say?

He said my package was too much for him.

Your package is too much?

I mean, he's driving a double-decker.

Coleslaw tub. Come alone.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I don't really believe you,

but I do know something that might make you feel better.

Oh, God! No!

No more girl talk.

Private stash.

I get sad a lot in here.

[can hisses]

I really liked him.

[can hisses]

I did what you said,

and I let him get to know me.

[can hisses]

I'm never doing that again.

This isn't doing it for me.

[cans hiss]

I'm gonna miss him.

*

[upbeat music]

*