Original subtitles

[knocking on door]

Okay, that's Mookie for the rent money.

I just found two fives in the couch!

Which brings us to 5, 10, carry the one...

a new low.

Hello, I'm Murray.

Did you order curry in a hurry?

I don't know. Is it paid for?

Yeah.

Then, yes, we did.

Max, you're awful.

We didn't pay for that.

It's Indian food.

We'll pay for it in three hours.

Any samosas in there?

You want some naan?

'Cause whoever ordered it ain't gettin' naan.

[knock on door]

Did you guys see Murray with our curry in a hurry?

Nope, sorry.

(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Just a heads up, the samosas are a little dry

and also completely gone.

I need all the energy I can get.

Sophie and I are doin' it 'round the clock.

She wants a baby so bad,

she even got an ovulation app on her phone.

Sophie's phone has a fertility app?

My phone's so old it can't get pregnant.

Tells us when she's most fertile.

Actually, a little cartoon monkey tells us.

What's his name?

Overly curious George?

[monkey screeching]

Oleg, it's time. See?

The monkey's got a boner.

I'm pretty sure that's a banana.

It's yellow and he's holding it. It's a boner.

Sophie, don't get your hopes up.

We've had so much sex,

it's basically just steam coming out now.

Oh, you found the food. Good.

You mind if I use your stomach as a tray

so I can eat while we do it?

Do I ever mind?

I have to block out so much now just to get through the day.

[knock on door]

Wow, we have more visitors than

a mildly attractive prostitute at Comic-Con.

(Mookie) It's Mookie for the rent.

Okay, Max, this time can you do

the blow-it-up hand thing with him?

I've tried it, but I'm just not good at hand stuff.

Ask anyone at Yale PREP.

Just give it a shot!

You also thought you couldn't eat food that's been stepped on.

Look at you now.

Sup, ladies? Sorry I'm late.

Some guy threw a cat at me.

Who's gonna blow it up for me?

I'm not allowed to blow stuff up anymore.

My parole officer's rules, not mine.

[imitates explosion noise]

I know that was bad. I'm sorry.

Is there a class I can take?

I'll go get the last of the rent money.

It's either in my bra pile, or I don't have it.

Take your time. We cool.

So, what kind of name is "Mookie"?

Is it short for something?

Long for something?

Max, hurry up, girl.

Okay, you should have $800

and here's the last of it.

Sweet. Well, I gotta go.

I got a tennis lesson.

Caroline, wanna try again?

[imitates explosion]

Make sure you get the whole $825.

No funny business down there, gangsta.

825? The rent is 850.

No, always been 825.

What's going on now?

Max, why do you tell me the rent's 850 if it's 825?

Oh, yeah, I'ma go ahead and--

good luck with that.

You've been overcharging me rent?

It's not like that.

How is it not like that?

Okay, it's exactly like that.

Seriously, Max, other than the rent,

what else have you not been telling the truth about?

You probably didn't even see Emma Stone at Costco.

And is Max Black even your real name?

It's a real name.

Hey, in my defense,

you do have a bigger bedroom.

That's because I sleep in the living room.

Can you just let this go?

So I took a little off the top.

Everybody takes a little off the top.

Look what God did to Han.

Don't drag me into the middle of Pretty Little Liars.

I've got two ferrets at home with the stomach flu,

and I don't need it.

Now everyone stop what you're not doing.

I'm calling an emergency staff meeting.

Is this the whole,

"Don't ice your junk in the food sink" thing again?

No, I have a rule.

20 warnings, then it's a dead issue.

This is about all of you.

We need to talk about diner teamwork.

Oh, our teamwork's fine.

For example, we're covering for Earl

while he chases the ice cream man.

* Got me a Chaco Taco

Everybody, sit down.

Why? So we can be eye level?

Good put-down, Caroline.

See, Han? Teamwork.

All right, listen to our latest Yelp reviews.

Daryl B. says,

"Sat in booth an hour before anyone talked to me.

"When someone did,

it was the waitress asking me for water."

I was thirsty!

And Daryl B. was real slow with that water.

You don't see me Yelping about it.

I'll read one.

Caroline C. from here says,

"Max has been overcharging me $25 a month for four years."

That sounds made up.

So tomorrow night, I'm closing the diner,

and we're all working on our team building skills.

So no one cares that

Max has been stealing $25 a month from me?

That's correct.

[rock music]

*

Right this way.

What the hell is this place?

This looks like the room I was kept in

when that trucker borrowed me for three days.

Did you overcharge him too?

You'll all find out where we are soon enough.

All part of the adventure,

and the mystery, and the--

did I say adventure?

Oh no, this isn't one of those escape rooms

where they lock you in a room

and you have to work as a team to get out?

Welcome to the Escape Room,

where we lock you in a room,

and you have to work as a team to get out.

And so it begins!

What? Us beating the crap out of you?

Together, of course.

Now let me get this straight.

Y'all are volunteering to be locked up in a tiny room?

See now, that's some white people stuff right there.

It's a fun way for us all to learn

how to work together to solve a problem.

If the group of us could work together to solve a problem,

you'd be back in Korea.

I'm in no rush to get home to Sophie.

I mean, I love her and she's a fox,

but baby-making is brutal.

I'm so tired of having my legs up in the air.

How do you-- What do you--

How would that-- Let's just move past it.

Sign these waivers saying that

if anything happens to you,

it is entirely your fault.

Nobody's signing these waivers. We're not idiots.

We're gonna read through all the fine print.

(all) Done.

Here you go.

Oh, well, I'm gonna read mine anyway.

Caroline reads everything.

She read the entire iTunes user agreement before she bought

Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money."

Wish I'd read the fine print when I agreed

to be your roommate.

Turns out, bitch do have my money.

Do I have to escape from this too?

I mean, is this part of the game?

Is this a bad time to tell you

your horse masterminded the whole thing?

Before we start, I need to collect your phones

so you can't Google answers.

Don't look at my screensaver

unless you have a strong stomach.

I've seen lots of phones.

It takes a lot to shock-- Aah!

Why are your legs up?

Ah, white light means it's a go.

Hey, hold up! Aah!

Oh, one second.

You know, I'm breathin' harder

than Paula Deen on Dancing with the Stars.

Sophie?

How did you find me here?

I told you to take that

"Find My Husband" app off your phone.

Yeah, well... I didn't.

Yeah. We're trying to make a baby.

Sophie, you can't be here right now.

This is a work team-building thing

and you're not part of the team.

Right, Han? - She can stay.

She does as much at the diner as the girls do.

Well, I gotta stay close to Oleg.

You know, the monkey's unpredictable.

You never know when he's gonna demand intercourse.

Well, that's a fun wrinkle.

Okay, this is the whitest thing I've ever seen,

and I've seen those shoes that have toes.

(Earl) Oh, hell no.

(Caroline) I'm feeling angry, scared, and both of Max's boobs.

(Max) Is this our version of make-up sex?

(Sophie) I can't see a thing!

Here, let me use my pepper spray flashlight.

Aw. [pepper spray fizzes]

(Han) Aah!

(Max) Hey, I'm starting to like this now.

(Sophie) Hey! Look at all those kooky light switches!

Let's try that!

Whoever this guy is says,

"Choose correctly or lost five minutes."

(Max) Wow, you're no whoever that guy is, Oleg.

(Han) 10, 20, 26 switches! What other things are 26?

(Caroline) Hmm, that's one more dollar than Max has been stealing from me.

(Han) How about something a little more universal

and a lot less annoying?

(Oleg) There are 26 letters in the alphabet.

Thank you, Comrade Kangaroo.

(Caroline) Okay, 26 letters. Which one could represent light?

(Han) Light starts with "L"!

(Sophie) Oh, wow, he's good!

(Caroline) Too easy. It's Einstein so the answer must be scientific.

Wait, in Einstein's famous formula E=mc2,

the speed of light is represented by the letter "C."

A...B...C.

[gasping]

Oh, it's Alice in Wonderland themed!

I'll be great at this.

It was always my favorite story.

Sophie and I only watch the hard-core porno version.

Yeah, it was called Alice in Underpants.

And our dentist was in it!

[in British accent] That's enough

of all your chatter!

It's time to listen to the Mad Hatter.

I think it's the same guy as before.

Oh... Wow.

He's a genius!

You filled this room with illumination,

but you are not done with this situation.

What rhymes with "kick in the crotch"?

To proceed and be done with me,

you must answer these riddles three.

Y'all know I'm 80, right?

One: Take it out of the package.

It goes in your mouth.

Chew it too long, and it will go south.

It's what Earl's doing right now.

Oh, Lord, am I peeing?

No, he's chewing gum.

"Take it out of the package. It goes in your mouth.

Chew it too long and it'll go south." Gum.

Exactamente.

That wasn't too hard.

Put your answer onto this card.

Well done!

This Groupon has already paid for itself.

Two: Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big;

Michael J. Fox's is small;

the Pope has one but doesn't use it;

Madonna doesn't have one at all.

Dongs. The answer is dongs.

C'mon, Oleg, I mean nobody can say for sure

that Madonna doesn't have one.

Dongs aren't the answer to everything.

I used to think that.

You know where that got me?

Pennsylvania, with no car.

Schwarzenegger's is big, Fox's is small.

It's last names. The Pope doesn't use his.

Madonna doesn't have one at all. That's it!

Correctamundo. [chuckles]

With your brain power,

you'll be out of here in under an hour.

Well, thanks, but if I was that smart,

I wouldn't have spent the last four years

getting ripped off by my roommate.

Oh, come on, are you still on the money?

Oh, my God, my sister lost both her thumbs

in a combine accident

and she didn't talk about it this much.

Ah, here's $25.

Let's call it hush money,

so hush.

First of all, this is $12,

and fine,

you won't hear a peep out of me anymore.

Fine, I don't care if we never get out.

[monkey screeching]

All right, FYI,

yeah, Oleg and I are gonna get really Amsterdam-y up in here.

All right, we gotta get the hell out.

Come on, Caroline. Where's your sense of whimsy?

And don't say Max stole it,

because that's getting older than Randy's accent.

Sorry, Randy, I knew you were a safe person to slam.

Time moves forward. It doesn't go back.

You've got 15 minutes. It's 45 that you lack.

[scoffs] Come on, guys.

We don't need Caroline to solve these puzzles.

This is the same team that was able

to figure out the Wi-Fi password

to the women's shelter next to the diner.

Who said this?

"If it was so, it might be;

and if it were so, it would be."

The fat twins?

'Cause that made no sense

and they look like they get stoned a lot.

[monkey screeching]

Okay, Oleg, drop your pants.

The monkey wants his banana.

Caroline,

if I have to see Oleg so much as honk one of her boobs,

I'm gonna lose it.

I would help you, and be your heaven-sent,

but you screwed me on the rent.

What is it gonna take to make you get over this?

You haven't even apologized.

Okay. I am sorry.

Are we good?

You know what? No, we not good.

(all) Aw, come on!

Fine, I'm the only one here who knows this story,

and I'm the only one who knows how to get out of here.

There, the rabbit hole, Alice went down and so will I.

That's it.

This is a bigger bust than Max's future.

Just like Alice, I'm sick of being stuck

in this upside-down world

when your best friend lies about the rent.

- No, you can't! - Oh, yes, I can.

I bid you adieu.

No, seriously, don't!

Ooh, I'm next!

I don't mean to burst your bubble,

but your friend's in a lot of trouble.

What I'm saying is:

that's not part of the room. That's just for show.

You're not supposed to jump in it.

I'm not next.

So that's not a cute rabbit hole?

Rabbits? No.

Couple of rats, though.

This place is a deathtrap.

Caroline, please tell me you're okay.

(Caroline) I can't, because I'm not.

I'll use the emergency code to get us out of here.

5...9...4...7.

[alarm buzzes]

Okay, I'm gonna be real honest with you right now.

I don't know the codes.

(Caroline) Help, there's something moving down here!

I'm going in.

Sophie, give me the pepper spray flashlight.

All right, yeah.

Hurry! [pepper spray fizzes]

That really does sting.

[monkey screeching]

Okay, Oleg, now it's time.

It's that beautiful moment

where you and I are gonna make a baby

right in front of your coworkers.

Can we have a little more class

and wait till we get in the cab?

What?

We're gonna do it on top of teacups.

That's pretty classy.

[grunts and moans]

What is happening?

You know what?

Spray some of that stuff in your mind.

Max, look.

Oh, that's why his leg's up in the air.

I've seen enough. I'm out.

[shrieks] Ow!

Ugh, I think I landed on what was moving.

So that's dead now.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Yeah, I think. Are you?

Yeah.

Wait, you said you weren't okay.

I meant emotionally.

I jumped into a floor hole for feelings?

Well, my feelings are really hurt, Max.

It's been four years.

Well, I don't know what to do,

because like the Sad Hatter said,

time goes forward; it doesn't go back.

I can't undo the rent thing.

I just thought we were in this together,

50/50.

We are,

and I should have told you four years ago,

but I thought we wouldn't last a month.

But then we did, and then another month,

and I'm still not sure how this happened:

we became best friends.

Max, that's the first time you've ever called me

your best friend without a bribe,

and that's worth a lot more than money,

and you know how much I love money.

Yeah, you almost ruined our friendship over it.

All right, come on, let's get out of here.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

I'm not okay.

Searing pain, searing pain.

Ugh, I think I twisted my ankle when I jumped down here.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

You're right.

Sometimes sorry just doesn't cut it.

So how are we gonna get you out of here?

If you want me to carry you,

you'll have to take off your boobs.

Which way should we go?

My sense of direction led me to being a waitress in Brooklyn.

You know what? Let's go forward.

'Cause much like the time, you can't go back.

Also, the moving thing just came to and looks mad.

Go.

Max, I've never been this close to your butt before,

and it's spectacular!

What's your secret?

I'm 27.

(Sophie and Oleg) [moaning and grunting]

(Han) I really shouldn't be seeing this.

(Earl) Can we please turn the lights back off?

(Sophie) Oh, God, help me!

Well, one good thing about being down here:

Sophie and Oleg are up there.

Wait, why is the floor sagging?

[both screaming]

Oh, my God.

You know, I'm pretty sure that fall

knocked the baby right up into me.

Correction, if I could turn the clock back,

I wouldn't go back four years. I'd go back 30 seconds.

[rock music]

*