Original subtitles

[rock music]

Max, over here in our white trash window.

I need help with the shower.

[sighs] All right, Chestnut,

we're heading to work soon.

You know the rules: No R-rated movies,

no sugary snacks, and I want you standing up asleep by 11:00.

[grunting]

What's the problem?

I can't turn it on.

Well, drop your towel and tell it

it's got a big nozzle.

[chuckles]

Did you even do a rat check?

Yes. Theodore is gone.

Even he got a better apartment.

Max, remind me, what separates us from homeless people?

We're not as tan.

Oh, yeah, we have a sometimes functioning shower

and that sweet shower curtain.

Hmm, which was gifted to us by a homeless person

who no longer needed his cape.

All right.

That should do it.

[pipes groaning]

[groaning stops]

Hey, why'd the sound stop?

That's weird.

[screaming]

Ah!

- All right. All right. - Ugh.

Ugh. [groans]

[gasps]

Well, I got it turned on.

[horse snorts]

What's that, buddy?

It doesn't get any sadder?

(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

Well, well, well, Caroline,

I didn't know it was "bring your boyfriend to work" day.

Even our shower head is broke, Earl.

We got blasted with rusty water

and something thick.

Ugh, oh.

I feel so dirty.

Stop. We showered at Sophie and Oleg's.

That's why I feel dirty.

There was a rubber ducky in there who looked like

he'd seen some really messed up stuff.

Look, we will do what we always do

when we need a new appliance or a fishnet body stocking.

We'll ask Oleg. [bell rings]

Did somebody say fishnet body stocking?

Hey, everybody!

I'm going green,

and I don't just mean my eye shadow.

Yup, I'm getting my body ready for pregnancy

with healthy eating and less smoked meats.

I think going green is more about the environment, Sophie.

Oh, yeah?

And how many babies have you had, Caroline?

Sophie, I wish I were that fetus.

I'm jealous of anything that

gets to be inside you for nine months.

You know, Oleg, since Sophie's doing a food cleanse,

maybe you could do a cleanse for your potty mouth.

I like that idea.

Since I'm changing for a baby, you should too.

From now on, everything you say should be G-rated.

Yeah, but the G doesn't stand for 'gina.

So I'm supposed to serve bone-in rib eye and pulled pork

and not make any comparison to my junk?

Well, I'll be over here eating healthy in my booth.

Max, what are we gonna do without a working shower?

Where will I cry?

And where will I hide from you?

Girls, if you need a shower,

there are wonderful facilities at my new gym.

Well, they obviously have child care.

They even give me a 6:15 wake-up call every morning,

so I can make it to my ideal body workout.

I'll give you a wake-up call right now.

Sleep in.

With that body, nothing's gonna work out.

Well, I have two "friends and family" one-day passes

that I've been saving for my parents' trip,

but last month they littered in Korea,

so they're in jail.

Hey, I found something green on here.

Two pistachio ice creams, please.

Sophie, I'm not sure I--

Just bring me something green, bitch.

[rock music]

*

[exhaling sharply]

Max, are you in here?

Ah, only lady here

has been in the shower a long time.

This isn't yours, is it?

Nope, and I'm guessing it's not yours either.

It is now.

Girl,

why didn't you tell me a shower could be this good?

I didn't think you'd believe me,

like when I told you they make hangers just for pants.

Have you been in there this whole time?

I got out to pee a couple times.

Then I didn't get out to pee a couple times.

While you were meeting water for the first time,

I took three classes:

Body Rocket with Papo,

Flex Flow with Nat, and Ab Attack with Abby,

and I just signed up for Celtic Hip-Hop with Devandre O'Brien.

Yo, can you fit these bad boys in your purse?

And, uh, don't forget my new hat.

I'll make room for them next to the hand towels.

[combination pad beeping]

Ah, good for you, mami.

So I said to my nanny,

"Just take her to the emergency room.

"I cannot miss my workout with Brian

because Harlow ate a jar of Play-Doh."

[scoffs]

FYI, bottomless shaving cream in the shower.

Gave myself a Santa beard.

Hi, I wasn't listening in-- all this tile,

your voices really carry.

Who's Brian, and what's this amazing class

you're talking about?

YBBBB with Brian.

Yoga Booty Ballet Boxing and Beyond,

and it's beyond.

What studio is it in?

I'll go. Max?

There's no Max here!

[rock music]

[machine whirring]

One Ab Blast Immune Boost with banana.

Anyone else?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can a brother get some bee pollen?

Thank you, Brian.

Are you sure you haven't taken

Yoga Booty Ballet Boxing and Beyond before?

'Cause it's like your booty just instinctively knew

how to go beyond.

[chuckles]

Oh, hello, Caroline, and you're Brian.

I've seen your trainer photo on the wall.

I guess it wasn't retouched as I assumed.

Brian, wait up.

Did you forget we're doing 30 days of sweaty selfies?

Can I buy you a juice?

And make out with you?

Joke, I'm kinda married.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Caroline, how about I create a juice for you

that will optimize your workout?

Has he ever bought us a juice?

No, and we bought him a car.

Schiller, dude, give me a life boost.

Schiller, I'll have the life boost as well.

Schiller.

Am I saying that right? Schiller.

Will you be in class tomorrow?

I'd love to see your flying lotus.

[chuckles] My lotus only has

a one-day pass, and it doesn't fly,

it takes the bus.

Not anymore.

I got us jobs at the juice bar.

We can take all the classes and showers we want.

I told them I had juicing experience--

not a lie if you count the week I dated Lance Armstrong.

Earl, this one shower,

the water comes at you from every angle,

and not because sewage is backing up.

You do seem happier, Max.

You're even kinda smiling.

How high are you right now?

No, I am totally clean.

Literally.

Showered Max is a pleasure to be around.

Also, she's much less itchy.

Hello, I'm a member of Physique Total Body.

Swipe, swipe, swipe.

I love belonging to a place where not everyone's allowed.

Hey, everybody!

No, it's not fitness nut Jane Fonda.

It's Sophie Kuchenski!

Yep, and everything about me is healthy and green.

Hey, Sophie, since you're being green,

we brought you a Green Genie from our gym.

Oh, you did?

Ah.

Uh, thanks a lot, Caroline.

We don't really know what's in it.

We're not good at our jobs there either.

Aw, look at that. I'm really proud of her, girls.

Suck it down, baby, but not in a sexual way.

This is delicious.

I love it, yeah.

Ah. Oh.

I love this drink so much,

I'm gonna take it to the bathroom,

and I'm gonna love it in there.

[gasps]

Don't touch anything.

Hey, look. It's the Oldsen twins.

Did you tell them we worked here?

My diner uniform fell out of my gym bag,

and they didn't believe I was a stewardess on Air Yugoslavia.

Hey, gym buddies.

Oh, we don't need to order.

We don't eat.

Well, you've come to the right place.

And thanks again for turning me on to Brian's class.

I'm glad you like it, but...Jodie?

Yeah, you can't take it anymore.

So...yeah.

Why not?

Brian likes you,

which we totally don't understand,

but...Jodes?

Yeah.

We don't want to share him.

He's all we have.

So...

yeah.

You two are married with children.

Exactly. Brian is all we have.

We can make it really uncomfortable

for you at the gym,

and people are already talking

about your discount yoga pants.

So...yeah. [scoffs]

Oh, you're not the only person in here who can be threatening.

Let me go get my threatening friend.

Max. Max, go over there and give them the dagger eyes.

You know, the ones that gave Han the twitch.

This one?

Uh, what is that?

No.

That's like a smile.

You don't smile. Cut it out.

Max, hurry, give them the face.

Hey, ladies, look.

We don't know what that means.

So...yeah. [chuckles]

What? I'm trying,

but I guess showered Max doesn't have it in her.

Oh...you know, I'll say this, girls,

but don't quote me.

It ain't easy being green.

I got--[groans]

[rock music]

[juicer buzzing] Now where's ginger?

Where's ginger?

I don't know, on that island

with Gilligan and the others?

And where's her Slim Down Smoothie?

In the blender. Can you finish it?

This wheatgrass smell makes me sick.

Well, man up. I'm balls deep in three gut busters over here.

Oh, God.

It smells like the Jolly Green Giant's jock strap.

Oh, my God, it's like-- [gags]

[gags]

Stop. You gagging makes me gag.

Okay, almost done.

- [gags] - [gags]

- [gags] - [gags]

[both gag]

Slim Down Smoothie!

Kinda got away from me.

I won't charge you for the extra.

Um, I wanted banana in this.

Max, banana.

You wanted a banana. Banana.

Ugh. Where is Schiller to relieve me?

It's time for my YBBB class.

He probably got his hair caught

in the ab crunch machine again.

That damn crunch machine.

Okay, he's here. I'm out.

[stammers] After class, you relieve me.

No dillydallying.

I got a hazard cone holding the shower

with the railing and the bench in it.

Ooh, nice earrings, Raquel.

Oh, PavГ© diamonds. [chuckles]

Found them in a locker.

She doesn't need 'em.

Oh, you want this?

It's a fitness band.

Found it on the floor...

of a locker.

- Thanks. - Mm.

The only band that's ever been on me was They Might Be Giants.

Huh. They were not.

Hey, mami, I just heard those two rich moms

trash-talking your friend.

Tell her to stay clear of Brian's class.

Their husbands are silent partners in the gym,

and also, in their marriages.

Wait, are you telling me I could lose my shower?

And your juice bar jobs.

Oh, right, that whole thing too.

I gotta stop her.

Feel that nice long stretch.

[Zen music playing]

Can I help you?

Uh...someone reported a dangerous, wet mess in here.

I don't see a wet mess.

Then you're not looking right here.

Go away. You're interrupting my flow.

Good, now try and hold it. That's right, Caroline.

Okay, you feel that?

Let's get a nice big stretch.

That's big enough.

Miss, we're in the middle of a class.

And now let's all go into child's pose.

*

- Hey. - Max.

You have got to get out of this class.

Those moms are looking at you

like you put dressing on their salad and mixed it in.

Very good. Your hips are remarkably open.

Thank you, Brian.

I can't lose that shower.

I finally found something to make me feel good

that doesn't end in "arijuana."

Miss, you're stopping our flow.

That's exactly what I said, Brian.

YBBBB is a moving meditation,

so move it on out of here.

Why you gotta BBBB so rude?

Namaste.

And, you, Namaste away from him.

[rock music]

I'm back. See? Nothing happened.

Those two moms didn't do anything.

I mean, how dangerous can they be?

They're almost 40.

40? That's almost 50.

Great class.

I felt quite the burn.

How about I buy you ladies each a Sex on the Peach?

Great, just not from her.

[whispers inaudibly]

[all laugh]

Han, what's so funny?

Caroline, rumor has it you let one fly in yoga class.

[all laugh]

Max, what's Han saying?

You tooted. Floated an air biscuit.

Pass-ah the gas-ah.

[all laugh]

Still need me to clarify?

Okay, hi, um, to be clear,

I didn't do what they said. I wouldn't.

If I had, I would have already thrown myself

down the StairMaster.

You mess with the bull,

you get the fart rumor.

Oh, my God, those 60-year-old women

started a fart rumor about me.

At least they didn't get us fired.

Ah, phew. Ha, no pun intended.

Hey, Brian, great class.

Wanna design a juice for me?

Kinda busy right now.

I got a recently divorced dad looking to

get back out there in a big way.

Plus, you farted.

I can't believe this is happening.

I'm being shunned in public for something I didn't do.

It's my father's Ponzi scheme all over again.

From now on, I'm Caroline, the gas-ah pass-ah.

Look, I know you're in a fart spiral,

but their husbands own this place,

so don't do anything to ruin this sweet situation for us.

Sorry, Max, but I never told off those Upper East Side ladies

for how they treated me five years ago,

so I'm gonna have to let these two rich bitches have it.

Oh, no.

Just because you're in sad, loveless marriages...

[machines buzzing over Caroline's voice]

[machines winding down]

We couldn't even hear you,

so...yeah.

I'll be happy to repeat every word.

Oh, man.

[machine whirring]

[machine grinding]

My fitness band slid off!

I broke the Mega Juicer 5000.

You know why they call it a Mega Juicer 5000?

'Cause it costs 5000.

We know. We bought one for Brian.

I think you just got fired, mami.

Oh, here's a good-bye gift.

Another fitness band.

Raquel, will you tell the shower with the bench

that I love him?

[rock music]

*

[banging on pipe]

[ratcheting]

Oleg, how's it going in there?

I'm ready to screw it in.

Said with zero sexual innuendo.

Here. How lucky are we that Raquel found

this shower head in the locker?

I burned 515 calories walking home.

Oh, that's the time.

Still, nothing to sneeze at.

Who needs a fancy gym?

Oleg's here right now to take care of our hole.

Okay, now you're doing it on purpose.

[knocks on door]

Anybody wanna go grab a lettuce wedge at Wedgies?

There she is, my vegan vixen.

Just look at that healthy glow.

- Mmm. - [giggling]

Mmm.

Sugar.

That's not a glow. It's a glaze.

I had a doughnut.

Yeah, it fell on my face.

I had to eat it, or I would suffocate to death.

I've been on my best behavior,

and you're not holding up your end,

which, for some godforsaken reason,

I'm not even allowed to comment on!

Oh, maybe we could have a cheat day,

and that day could be...

today?

Pound cake? Know what I'd like to pound?

Oh, I sure do.

Mmm.

What are we waiting for?

[both moaning]

- [gags] - [gags]

- [gags] - [gags]

[horse gags]

- [gags] - [gags]

[rock music]

[cash register bell dings]

[rock music]

*