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1
00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:05,373
I'll go check on your salads.
2
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:08,176
Oleg, what's the hold up
with the salads?
3
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,579
I never made one before.
4
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,348
My two favorite guys,
big Doug and Sancho,
5
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:15,683
are ordering salads?
6
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,618
What happened
to their usual blts?
7
00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:20,388
Burgers, lasagna, and tacos?
8
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,323
They said they
want to lose weight.
9
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,591
And no matter what you order,
10
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:26,760
it's easier to
throw up here than at home.
11
00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:29,463
I don't get why nobody
wants to be fat anymore.
12
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:32,666
The fat seasons of Oprah
were always the best.
13
00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:36,704
You're right.
14
00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:39,807
Every other year of Oprah
was the best years.
15
00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:45,279
What is this I hear about you
blushing beauties on a diet?
16
00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:46,614
Oh, we're not blushing.
17
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:51,485
We're just still
flushed from sitting down.
18
00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:52,853
And we're trying
to get in shape.
19
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,289
Yeah, preferably a shape
that doesn't resemble
20
00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:58,292
a seasonal gourd.
21
00:00:58,326 --> 00:00:59,869
Plus my girlfriend
wants me to slim down
22
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,364
so we can sit on the same side
of the plane when we travel.
23
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,669
Well, big Doug,
24
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:12,240
you tell that lucky lady
that I would rather date a man
25
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,874
with boobs bigger than mine
26
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:17,378
than a man who brings his own
salad dressing to a restaurant.
27
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,451
Pie me.
28
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:25,353
Cherry, pumpkin,
or coconut cream?
29
00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:29,123
(Both)
Yes.
30
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:30,458
Max black,
31
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:34,762
bringing smiles
to men's faces since puberty.
32
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:37,198
(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
33
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:38,532
[cash register bell dings]
34
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:44,104
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *
35
00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:50,211
I just talked to this guy at...
36
00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:53,647
I think it's table three,
i still don't know the numbers.
37
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,583
Anyway, he asked,
"what's new?"
38
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,327
And I told him we were
opening a dessert bar
39
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:58,619
at the airport tomorrow.
40
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:00,888
Then I realized he was
asking what kind of pot
41
00:02:00,921 --> 00:02:04,258
I was selling this week.
42
00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:07,161
Why are you telling people
about us and the airport?
43
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:10,198
It's like when you told everyone
you thought you had hpv.
44
00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:16,404
That was a state-mandated
kind of thing.
45
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:18,606
Oh, look who it is...
46
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,907
The airport people.
47
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:22,876
You guys putting together
a little happy hour?
48
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,545
With the jocks at southwest?
49
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:28,482
Or the "in crowd"
at the virgin terminal?
50
00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:33,521
You know who's going
to be a terminal virgin?
51
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:35,456
You can make all
the death threats you want,
52
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,929
but you know what
will keep me alive?
53
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:39,360
The fact that you two
work at the airport.
54
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:42,796
[Laughing]
55
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:47,468
Hey, everybody!
56
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,738
Here comes the almost bride.
57
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,841
Did you ever see
a prettier almost bride?
58
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:57,878
I mean, you know,
besides Jennifer Aniston.
59
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,548
Sophie, it's only one week
till the wedding,
60
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:04,752
so this is your last chance
to take a run at me.
61
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,554
Now you won't be disappointed.
62
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:09,657
I'm still very sexually active
63
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:14,528
for the first five minutes.
64
00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:16,297
Oh, Earl.
65
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,865
If I took a run at you,
66
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:21,201
you'd go right through that wall
like wile e. Coyote.
67
00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:26,340
Hey, bridesmaid.
68
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:29,310
(Both)
Hey, Sophie.
69
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,644
Hey, Oleg.
70
00:03:30,678 --> 00:03:33,547
You got a message from
your brother in the Ukraine.
71
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,449
Yoshinko called?
72
00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:38,586
Yeah, hear this message.
73
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:48,696
What was the message?
74
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:52,600
"Hey, Oleg,
did you see last night's alf?"
75
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,869
Nah...
I don't speak Ukrainian.
76
00:03:55,903 --> 00:04:00,674
I mean, what am I,
a plumber in queens?
77
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:03,277
No, so I brought
the whole thing in.
78
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:04,412
Here he is.
79
00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:05,413
Oleg...
80
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:10,551
[Speaking Ukrainian]
81
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:13,454
Good-bye.
82
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,290
[Speaking Ukrainian]
83
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,292
What did he say?
84
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:19,293
He's not coming.
85
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:20,561
I understood a little
86
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,871
'cause I had a Russian
au pair growing up.
87
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,898
You know, until she
bleached my good jeans.
88
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,934
Yoshinko can't come
to the wedding.
89
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,303
He's on a no-fly list,
a no-drive list,
90
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:32,640
and a no-walk list.
91
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,642
He's in jail.
92
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,910
Oh, but he was
gonna be your best man.
93
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:40,648
I got a ham engraved for him.
94
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:42,383
Don't worry, baby,
I'll find someone.
95
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:43,751
It could be anyone.
96
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,019
He doesn't even have to be
the best or even good.
97
00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:47,888
I'll have to lower my standards.
98
00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:52,526
Han,
99
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,662
will you be my best man?
100
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:57,798
You said lower,
not sub-basement.
101
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:04,405
Well, Oleg,
I'll need to think about it.
102
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,073
Yes.
103
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,675
Great.
So han,
104
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,943
you're in charge
of the bachelor party tomorrow.
105
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,946
I want a night that will
disgrace all involved.
106
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,082
A night where no one can look
each other in the eye
107
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:18,452
at brunch the next day.
108
00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:19,687
Wow, han.
109
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,789
Bachelor party's
a big responsibility.
110
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:24,692
Do you know any grown-ups
who can buy you beer?
111
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:25,826
[Rock music]
112
00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:29,563
*
113
00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:30,931
Max, hurry.
114
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:33,801
The grand opening of
this pink airport dungeon
115
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,969
is in a few minutes.
116
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,805
That tsa line took forever.
117
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,573
The woman with
all those nickels?
118
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:44,144
I haven't seen that much change
on a lady since Chaz bono.
119
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,446
Don't worry,
120
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,481
I'm making friends in the tsa.
121
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:50,651
Judy, big gal, little beard?
122
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,720
Having lunch with her
at the wok n' roll
123
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,688
near Malaysia airlines.
124
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:59,527
It's pretty quiet
over there these days.
125
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,061
Hey, ladies.
126
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,863
Opening day, I'm so excited
127
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:07,468
my nipples have been shooting
daggers since I woke up.
128
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,169
Seriously, I haven't been
this excited
129
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:14,608
since my parents sent me
to military school.
130
00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:17,678
God, does everything have
to be fun when you're gay?
131
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,981
If it isn't,
you're not doing it right.
132
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,150
I'm just happy I get
to be out front here.
133
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:27,187
Finally, I won't be
stuffed in the back.
134
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,623
I mean unless I run
into a republican senator
135
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:33,561
in the men's room.
136
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:36,163
Come on, let's open up.
137
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:39,567
But dat key though?
138
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,635
I love this job.
139
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:43,671
Wait, should someone
make a speech?
140
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,138
A speech?
141
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,183
If you want to hear my thoughts
on opening this place,
142
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:50,043
I'll just cc you
on my suicide note.
143
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:53,614
Fine, I'll make a speech.
144
00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:56,550
To all the school janitors who
told me I'd never have
145
00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:59,887
my own giant set of keys,
146
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,823
too big for any pocket,
147
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:06,727
and that I wasn't a good kisser?
148
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,863
They can all suck it.
149
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:17,137
Yes! Rise, gate, rise!
150
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:18,739
Ooh, you go, gate.
151
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:19,907
[Laughs]
152
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:23,744
Yes, I'm drunk with power.
153
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,814
Also, a little drunk.
154
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:32,185
All right.
Here they come.
155
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:34,054
Yep.
156
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,856
Any minute.
157
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,157
Just our luck.
158
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:41,529
The one day
the airport isn't crowded.
159
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,664
Well, I guess I have time
to go check my make-up
160
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:46,133
in the men's room.
161
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,636
[Phone vibrates]
162
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,103
It's han.
163
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,973
He wants us to come to Oleg's
bachelor party tonight.
164
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,542
I've gotten a call
like this before,
165
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,252
but usually it's through
a service that involves
166
00:07:56,276 --> 00:08:01,582
making some tassels spin
in opposite directions.
167
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:03,050
No way.
168
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,953
You know I was planning on
going home and crying tonight.
169
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,621
Han is planning a party.
170
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:10,524
You will cry there for sure.
171
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,826
That's true.
I really can cry anywhere now.
172
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:16,263
I guess I've got that at least.
173
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:20,267
I can't believe I work
at the airport, Max.
174
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,771
Hey, would you feel better
if you held my giant keys?
175
00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:31,244
Hello?
176
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,080
Hello.
177
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,649
Welcome, you're
our first customer.
178
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,818
Do I get a prize?
179
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,186
Is it you?
180
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:45,125
I'm on board now.
I love this job.
181
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:52,933
Welcome, everyone.
182
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:55,268
I'm your m.C.,
han Lee,
183
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,304
gonna get the crazy party
started here
184
00:08:57,337 --> 00:09:00,307
with some dirty, racy jokes.
185
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,843
This is the deadest place
I've ever been to,
186
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:07,180
and I once woke up in heaven.
187
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,316
Okay, here we go.
188
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:13,654
What do a rubik's cube
and a penis have in common?
189
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:16,790
The more you play with it,
the harder it gets.
190
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:24,064
A rubik's cube was
a popular '80s toy.
191
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,767
You suck!
Next act.
192
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,302
[Laughter]
193
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:33,874
What do a walrus and a
tupperware have in common?
194
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:34,708
Hold on a minute.
195
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:39,379
Something about
a seal being tight...
196
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,948
[Phone dings]
197
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,349
[Gasps]
Oh!
198
00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:45,118
I just got a text
from Josh, the pilot.
199
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:46,920
He says,
"what's up, you?"
200
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,056
Isn't that cute?
201
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:53,627
Cute that he forgot your name?
202
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:57,097
It's really been a long time
for you, hasn't it?
203
00:09:57,130 --> 00:10:02,903
I took off my underwear last
week and a coyote howled.
204
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:03,536
Tough crowd.
205
00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:07,240
I'm talking about you, Max.
206
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:08,842
Oh come on, han.
Loosen up.
207
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:09,743
Have a drink.
208
00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:15,415
A Martini, an appletini,
anything teeny.
209
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,084
Nah, just do a vodka shot.
210
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:20,053
If nothing else, the glass will
look normal-sized in your hand
211
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,154
and I'll have a laugh.
212
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:23,256
[Laughs]
213
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,059
Can't hurt.
214
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:29,062
But it did.
215
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:30,731
Thanks for the party, han.
216
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:33,801
What time is it starting?
217
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,268
I've never been a best man.
218
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:38,005
It's a lot of pressure.
219
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,807
Yeah, being a man
would be hard for you.
220
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,810
You've never been one before.
221
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:46,013
Let alone the best one.
222
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:55,723
What's in that, ground glass?
223
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:58,726
Ugh, this party is worse than
the communist party.
224
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:03,163
And they killed half my family.
225
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,933
Oleg, don't worry,
I'll get this party started.
226
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:08,435
I'm making a call to some girls
i went to school with.
227
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:11,705
The slut academy on seventh.
228
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:15,275
Commonly known as nyu.
229
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:17,210
I'm more concerned
about my cousin.
230
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,112
He has something I need.
231
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:23,116
Soap? Deodorant?
The toughest actin' tinactin?
232
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:25,753
Oh, there he is!
233
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,387
- [Laughs]
- Hey, hey.
234
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,890
Mwah, mwah.
235
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:33,193
Well, he didn't
bring the deodorant.
236
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,462
Yuri, you made it.
237
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:37,798
Are you the stripper?
238
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:41,201
Probably in a few years.
239
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,402
Did you bring the papers?
240
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,337
The papers I need
to get married?
241
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,339
And those little
Ukrainian candies I love?
242
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,841
Bad news.
243
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,210
The guy who made
the fake papers got deported.
244
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:51,411
They took the papers.
245
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,413
I ate the candy.
246
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,815
What'd I miss?
247
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:58,118
Besides my chance
to become something?
248
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,253
Are you the stripper?
249
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,790
Nyet.
250
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:07,427
A compliment and an insult
in just one word.
251
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,196
Oh, no.
252
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:12,099
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
253
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:14,835
Did I mention "no"?
254
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,103
How can you say the word "no"
255
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:20,040
but not understand it
when women say it?
256
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,374
This is a disaster.
257
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:24,845
And not the kind
where I can loot.
258
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:28,115
I needed those fake papers to
renew my fake green card.
259
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:29,950
Mine expires next month.
260
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:32,352
Since when do you care
about expiration dates?
261
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:36,123
You cook with eggs so old
they fight back.
262
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:38,458
Sophie will never believe
that I'm not marrying her
263
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,160
just for a green card.
264
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,528
She has major trust issues
265
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:44,832
since one day, her father
went out for pierogies and...
266
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:48,802
Came back without pierogies.
267
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,143
[Soulful music playing]
268
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,211
I'm really enjoying
the dance stylings
269
00:12:58,245 --> 00:13:01,915
of camel and toe up there.
270
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,317
Everyone is having fun
except Oleg.
271
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:06,519
I haven't seen him so much as
put the "v" fingers
272
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:10,123
in front of his mouth at
any of these ladies.
273
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,224
Ooh!
274
00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:16,196
Wouldn't mind some over
the sweater action with her.
275
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:20,533
Hers or yours?
276
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:27,007
Max, I just did something
I've never done.
277
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,978
Told a story about someone else?
278
00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:33,914
No, I sent the pilot a boob pic.
279
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,248
[Gasps]
280
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:38,351
Girl, you nasty.
281
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:41,288
I know.
I am nasty!
282
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:45,225
I just looked into the camera
with my boobs out and hit send.
283
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,894
Ah-ha, that's awesome.
284
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:49,396
Uh, circling back now,
285
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:51,631
did you say you looked
into the camera?
286
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,267
You didn't put your face
in it, did you?
287
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:55,568
Girl!
288
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:58,605
You stupid.
289
00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:00,640
How else would he
know it was me?
290
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,943
You never put your face in it.
291
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:06,479
Didn't I raise you
better than this?
292
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:11,484
Well, at least you
weren't smiling in it.
293
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,386
All right, what kind of smile?
294
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:14,654
A flirty smirk could work.
295
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,524
A come-hither grin
would be great.
296
00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:20,860
More like...
297
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:29,436
So you were in this...
Pose
298
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:33,206
with your yabbos out?
299
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:38,478
So you basically did
a nude yogurt ad.
300
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:41,982
Yeah, but like yogurt you
want to have sex with, right?
301
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,954
Oh, my god.
302
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,655
Sophie will be here any minute.
303
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,690
When I called,
she was washing her hair.
304
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:54,661
She was going to put it
back on her head and come.
305
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:56,563
Just be honest with her.
306
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,298
Sometimes the truth is ugly.
307
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:01,468
But she knows that.
She's seen you naked.
308
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:05,038
Well, still no text back so
apparently not as ugly as this.
309
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:08,675
What's that about?
310
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:13,246
Are you selling real estate now?
311
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,457
[rufus's tell me something good]
312
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:16,449
* tell me something good
313
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:21,088
oh, wow.
314
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:23,991
I mean, this party couldn't
get any sleazier
315
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:27,694
unless you invited Robin thicke.
316
00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:29,662
I'm looking up
at skanky whore city,
317
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:33,100
but I trust you, Oleg.
318
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,101
You do?
319
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,069
Yeah, why wouldn't I?
320
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,538
Aside from my complicated past
321
00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:42,309
full of men
that have lied to me.
322
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:45,478
But you and I don't have secrets
from each other, right, Oleg?
323
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,014
Yeah, well, you see...
324
00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:50,717
It is time for
the traditional best man speech.
325
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:54,387
So listen up, bitches.
326
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:03,997
Ow, damn it.
327
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:07,400
I am bleeding.
328
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:09,602
Repeat, i am bleeding.
329
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,304
I can't believe this.
330
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:13,216
There's an app that burps
when you shake your phone,
331
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:17,377
but no app that
unsends a boob pic?
332
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:18,645
[Clears throat]
333
00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:20,780
Sophie.
Oleg.
334
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:24,317
What's there to say
about these two kids?
335
00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:26,619
Oleg is a bad cook.
336
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,256
Sophie, quite loud.
337
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:33,060
But somehow, when they
get together, magic.
338
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:36,229
You suck, next act!
339
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:40,167
Says the lady that
works at the airport.
340
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,370
And, Oleg, I'm so glad
Sophie is marrying you
341
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:46,173
so now you can
stay in the country.
342
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,774
(Max)
Oh, no. Uh...
343
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:51,478
You suck.
Next act?
344
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,114
Yeah, I hear ya girl.
345
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:57,650
I mean that last joke
didn't even have a punch line.
346
00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:02,389
Yeah, I mean,
it was sort of sad.
347
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,656
It was no joke.
348
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:04,691
This is serious.
349
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,126
It's really serious.
350
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:07,660
That boob pic is up
in the cloud now.
351
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:11,431
My boob is in the cloud, y'all.
352
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:17,804
Sophie, I didn't
know how to tell you.
353
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:22,275
You wanted to marry me
for a green card?
354
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:25,578
See, I thought you were
marrying me for my bod.
355
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:31,151
Or for my connections at
the container store, or...
356
00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:36,389
I mean, I taught
you how to read!
357
00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:37,424
Sophie, I can explain.
358
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:40,360
No, no, no.
The wedding's off.
359
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,494
Oh, no.
360
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:44,631
What the hell am I going to do
with all those pigeons
361
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:48,101
that I had painted
wedding white?
362
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,436
Sophie, wait.
363
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,438
[Hisses]
364
00:17:55,742 --> 00:18:00,480
*
365
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:05,152
Aww, well, look who it is.
366
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:09,156
My dearly deported.
367
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:13,193
I worked on that
the whole way over.
368
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,695
Sophie,
I'm not gonna be deported.
369
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:18,531
I'm gonna marry someone so
i can stay in this country
370
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,233
and win you back.
371
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:23,770
I don't care who
my new bride is.
372
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:29,376
Just upfront, it can't be me.
373
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:33,313
'Cause everybody knows
I'm married to my work.
374
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,185
And it can't be me.
375
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,587
It just can't.
376
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,656
They don't even have to be
the best or even good.
377
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:47,294
Standards are out the window.
378
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:53,300
Look, it's a California raisin.
379
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,871
Ooh. Sunglasses and advil.
380
00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:01,908
Last night was mad real.
381
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,376
(Oleg)
Han,
382
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:07,180
will you marry me
so I can stay in the country?
383
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:08,781
I'll need to think about it.
384
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,718
Yes.
385
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:15,922
Apparently the only thing he
won't say yes to is health care.
386
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:19,392
Oleg, I don't believe you.
387
00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,661
This is just another trick
to get me to do
388
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,530
what you want me to do.
389
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:28,935
Like when you kept "dropping"
your ice cream into your lap.
390
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,570
No trick.
391
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:34,507
Sometimes love makes you do
crazy, disgusting things.
392
00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:35,308
Like this.
393
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:38,611
[Sprays mouthwash]
Come here, han.
394
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:48,488
And now I love this job, too!
395
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:53,293
Thank god he picked han.
396
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:56,363
Wow, Sophie.
Oleg must really love you.
397
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,498
That had to be hard for him.
398
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:01,634
And from what I can see,
a little hard for han, too.
399
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:10,477
At our wedding,
maybe two pumps of breath spray.
400
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:14,781
Han, you're not marrying Oleg.
401
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:19,986
'Cause Oleg's marrying me.
402
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:22,755
I believe you now.
403
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,591
'Cause you kissed han,
404
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:28,628
and Asian girls
aren't even your thing.
405
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:38,505
Oh my god, Max,
it's my boob pic.
406
00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:42,642
Someone made it into a meme.
407
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:45,612
A mammo meme?
408
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:49,382
You're not supposed to need
those 'til you're 40.
409
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:52,619
My boob pic is gonna be hanging
over me for the rest of my life.
410
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:53,453
Oh, come on,
411
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:56,989
your boob couldn't
hang over a pencil.
412
00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:01,394
[Cash register bell dings]
28965
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