Original subtitles

I'll go check on your salads.

Oleg, what's the hold up with the salads?

I never made one before.

My two favorite guys, big Doug and Sancho,

are ordering salads?

What happened to their usual blts?

Burgers, lasagna, and tacos?

They said they want to lose weight.

And no matter what you order,

it's easier to throw up here than at home.

I don't get why nobody wants to be fat anymore.

The fat seasons of Oprah were always the best.

You're right.

Every other year of Oprah was the best years.

What is this I hear about you blushing beauties on a diet?

Oh, we're not blushing.

We're just still flushed from sitting down.

And we're trying to get in shape.

Yeah, preferably a shape that doesn't resemble

a seasonal gourd.

Plus my girlfriend wants me to slim down

so we can sit on the same side of the plane when we travel.

Well, big Doug,

you tell that lucky lady that I would rather date a man

with boobs bigger than mine

than a man who brings his own salad dressing to a restaurant.

Pie me.

Cherry, pumpkin, or coconut cream?

(Both) Yes.

Max black,

bringing smiles to men's faces since puberty.

(peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

I just talked to this guy at...

I think it's table three, i still don't know the numbers.

Anyway, he asked, "what's new?"

And I told him we were opening a dessert bar

at the airport tomorrow.

Then I realized he was asking what kind of pot

I was selling this week.

Why are you telling people about us and the airport?

It's like when you told everyone you thought you had hpv.

That was a state-mandated kind of thing.

Oh, look who it is...

The airport people.

You guys putting together a little happy hour?

With the jocks at southwest?

Or the "in crowd" at the virgin terminal?

You know who's going to be a terminal virgin?

You can make all the death threats you want,

but you know what will keep me alive?

The fact that you two work at the airport.

[Laughing]

Hey, everybody!

Here comes the almost bride.

Did you ever see a prettier almost bride?

I mean, you know, besides Jennifer Aniston.

Sophie, it's only one week till the wedding,

so this is your last chance to take a run at me.

Now you won't be disappointed.

I'm still very sexually active

for the first five minutes.

Oh, Earl.

If I took a run at you,

you'd go right through that wall like wile e. Coyote.

Hey, bridesmaid.

(Both) Hey, Sophie.

Hey, Oleg.

You got a message from your brother in the Ukraine.

Yoshinko called?

Yeah, hear this message.

What was the message?

"Hey, Oleg, did you see last night's alf?"

Nah... I don't speak Ukrainian.

I mean, what am I, a plumber in queens?

No, so I brought the whole thing in.

Here he is.

Oleg...

[Speaking Ukrainian]

Good-bye.

[Speaking Ukrainian]

What did he say?

He's not coming.

I understood a little

'cause I had a Russian au pair growing up.

You know, until she bleached my good jeans.

Yoshinko can't come to the wedding.

He's on a no-fly list, a no-drive list,

and a no-walk list.

He's in jail.

Oh, but he was gonna be your best man.

I got a ham engraved for him.

Don't worry, baby, I'll find someone.

It could be anyone.

He doesn't even have to be the best or even good.

I'll have to lower my standards.

Han,

will you be my best man?

You said lower, not sub-basement.

Well, Oleg, I'll need to think about it.

Yes.

Great. So han,

you're in charge of the bachelor party tomorrow.

I want a night that will disgrace all involved.

A night where no one can look each other in the eye

at brunch the next day.

Wow, han.

Bachelor party's a big responsibility.

Do you know any grown-ups who can buy you beer?

[Rock music]

*

Max, hurry.

The grand opening of this pink airport dungeon

is in a few minutes.

That tsa line took forever.

The woman with all those nickels?

I haven't seen that much change on a lady since Chaz bono.

Don't worry,

I'm making friends in the tsa.

Judy, big gal, little beard?

Having lunch with her at the wok n' roll

near Malaysia airlines.

It's pretty quiet over there these days.

Hey, ladies.

Opening day, I'm so excited

my nipples have been shooting daggers since I woke up.

Seriously, I haven't been this excited

since my parents sent me to military school.

God, does everything have to be fun when you're gay?

If it isn't, you're not doing it right.

I'm just happy I get to be out front here.

Finally, I won't be stuffed in the back.

I mean unless I run into a republican senator

in the men's room.

Come on, let's open up.

But dat key though?

I love this job.

Wait, should someone make a speech?

A speech?

If you want to hear my thoughts on opening this place,

I'll just cc you on my suicide note.

Fine, I'll make a speech.

To all the school janitors who told me I'd never have

my own giant set of keys,

too big for any pocket,

and that I wasn't a good kisser?

They can all suck it.

Yes! Rise, gate, rise!

Ooh, you go, gate.

[Laughs]

Yes, I'm drunk with power.

Also, a little drunk.

All right. Here they come.

Yep.

Any minute.

Just our luck.

The one day the airport isn't crowded.

Well, I guess I have time to go check my make-up

in the men's room.

[Phone vibrates]

It's han.

He wants us to come to Oleg's bachelor party tonight.

I've gotten a call like this before,

but usually it's through a service that involves

making some tassels spin in opposite directions.

No way.

You know I was planning on going home and crying tonight.

Han is planning a party.

You will cry there for sure.

That's true. I really can cry anywhere now.

I guess I've got that at least.

I can't believe I work at the airport, Max.

Hey, would you feel better if you held my giant keys?

Hello?

Hello.

Welcome, you're our first customer.

Do I get a prize?

Is it you?

I'm on board now. I love this job.

Welcome, everyone.

I'm your m.C., han Lee,

gonna get the crazy party started here

with some dirty, racy jokes.

This is the deadest place I've ever been to,

and I once woke up in heaven.

Okay, here we go.

What do a rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

A rubik's cube was a popular '80s toy.

You suck! Next act.

[Laughter]

What do a walrus and a tupperware have in common?

Hold on a minute.

Something about a seal being tight...

[Phone dings]

[Gasps] Oh!

I just got a text from Josh, the pilot.

He says, "what's up, you?"

Isn't that cute?

Cute that he forgot your name?

It's really been a long time for you, hasn't it?

I took off my underwear last week and a coyote howled.

Tough crowd.

I'm talking about you, Max.

Oh come on, han. Loosen up.

Have a drink.

A Martini, an appletini, anything teeny.

Nah, just do a vodka shot.

If nothing else, the glass will look normal-sized in your hand

and I'll have a laugh.

[Laughs]

Can't hurt.

But it did.

Thanks for the party, han.

What time is it starting?

I've never been a best man.

It's a lot of pressure.

Yeah, being a man would be hard for you.

You've never been one before.

Let alone the best one.

What's in that, ground glass?

Ugh, this party is worse than the communist party.

And they killed half my family.

Oleg, don't worry, I'll get this party started.

I'm making a call to some girls i went to school with.

The slut academy on seventh.

Commonly known as nyu.

I'm more concerned about my cousin.

He has something I need.

Soap? Deodorant? The toughest actin' tinactin?

Oh, there he is!

- [Laughs] - Hey, hey.

Mwah, mwah.

Well, he didn't bring the deodorant.

Yuri, you made it.

Are you the stripper?

Probably in a few years.

Did you bring the papers?

The papers I need to get married?

And those little Ukrainian candies I love?

Bad news.

The guy who made the fake papers got deported.

They took the papers.

I ate the candy.

What'd I miss?

Besides my chance to become something?

Are you the stripper?

Nyet.

A compliment and an insult in just one word.

Oh, no.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Did I mention "no"?

How can you say the word "no"

but not understand it when women say it?

This is a disaster.

And not the kind where I can loot.

I needed those fake papers to renew my fake green card.

Mine expires next month.

Since when do you care about expiration dates?

You cook with eggs so old they fight back.

Sophie will never believe that I'm not marrying her

just for a green card.

She has major trust issues

since one day, her father went out for pierogies and...

Came back without pierogies.

[Soulful music playing]

I'm really enjoying the dance stylings

of camel and toe up there.

Everyone is having fun except Oleg.

I haven't seen him so much as put the "v" fingers

in front of his mouth at any of these ladies.

Ooh!

Wouldn't mind some over the sweater action with her.

Hers or yours?

Max, I just did something I've never done.

Told a story about someone else?

No, I sent the pilot a boob pic.

[Gasps]

Girl, you nasty.

I know. I am nasty!

I just looked into the camera with my boobs out and hit send.

Ah-ha, that's awesome.

Uh, circling back now,

did you say you looked into the camera?

You didn't put your face in it, did you?

Girl!

You stupid.

How else would he know it was me?

You never put your face in it.

Didn't I raise you better than this?

Well, at least you weren't smiling in it.

All right, what kind of smile?

A flirty smirk could work.

A come-hither grin would be great.

More like...

So you were in this... Pose

with your yabbos out?

So you basically did a nude yogurt ad.

Yeah, but like yogurt you want to have sex with, right?

Oh, my god.

Sophie will be here any minute.

When I called, she was washing her hair.

She was going to put it back on her head and come.

Just be honest with her.

Sometimes the truth is ugly.

But she knows that. She's seen you naked.

Well, still no text back so apparently not as ugly as this.

What's that about?

Are you selling real estate now?

[rufus's tell me something good]

* tell me something good

oh, wow.

I mean, this party couldn't get any sleazier

unless you invited Robin thicke.

I'm looking up at skanky whore city,

but I trust you, Oleg.

You do?

Yeah, why wouldn't I?

Aside from my complicated past

full of men that have lied to me.

But you and I don't have secrets from each other, right, Oleg?

Yeah, well, you see...

It is time for the traditional best man speech.

So listen up, bitches.

Ow, damn it.

I am bleeding.

Repeat, i am bleeding.

I can't believe this.

There's an app that burps when you shake your phone,

but no app that unsends a boob pic?

[Clears throat]

Sophie. Oleg.

What's there to say about these two kids?

Oleg is a bad cook.

Sophie, quite loud.

But somehow, when they get together, magic.

You suck, next act!

Says the lady that works at the airport.

And, Oleg, I'm so glad Sophie is marrying you

so now you can stay in the country.

(Max) Oh, no. Uh...

You suck. Next act?

Yeah, I hear ya girl.

I mean that last joke didn't even have a punch line.

Yeah, I mean, it was sort of sad.

It was no joke.

This is serious.

It's really serious.

That boob pic is up in the cloud now.

My boob is in the cloud, y'all.

Sophie, I didn't know how to tell you.

You wanted to marry me for a green card?

See, I thought you were marrying me for my bod.

Or for my connections at the container store, or...

I mean, I taught you how to read!

Sophie, I can explain.

No, no, no. The wedding's off.

Oh, no.

What the hell am I going to do with all those pigeons

that I had painted wedding white?

Sophie, wait.

[Hisses]

*

Aww, well, look who it is.

My dearly deported.

I worked on that the whole way over.

Sophie, I'm not gonna be deported.

I'm gonna marry someone so i can stay in this country

and win you back.

I don't care who my new bride is.

Just upfront, it can't be me.

'Cause everybody knows I'm married to my work.

And it can't be me.

It just can't.

They don't even have to be the best or even good.

Standards are out the window.

Look, it's a California raisin.

Ooh. Sunglasses and advil.

Last night was mad real.

(Oleg) Han,

will you marry me so I can stay in the country?

I'll need to think about it.

Yes.

Apparently the only thing he won't say yes to is health care.

Oleg, I don't believe you.

This is just another trick to get me to do

what you want me to do.

Like when you kept "dropping" your ice cream into your lap.

No trick.

Sometimes love makes you do crazy, disgusting things.

Like this.

[Sprays mouthwash] Come here, han.

And now I love this job, too!

Thank god he picked han.

Wow, Sophie. Oleg must really love you.

That had to be hard for him.

And from what I can see, a little hard for han, too.

At our wedding, maybe two pumps of breath spray.

Han, you're not marrying Oleg.

'Cause Oleg's marrying me.

I believe you now.

'Cause you kissed han,

and Asian girls aren't even your thing.

Oh my god, Max, it's my boob pic.

Someone made it into a meme.

A mammo meme?

You're not supposed to need those 'til you're 40.

My boob pic is gonna be hanging over me for the rest of my life.

Oh, come on,

your boob couldn't hang over a pencil.

[Cash register bell dings]