Original subtitles

Miss?

I have to apologize.

Well, not to me, but I'm sure the amish are pissed

that you're gaying up their look.

I don't have enough money for the tip.

Weird. You survive the diner chili,

and it's the waitress that kills you!

But I can tip another way. I'm a psychic.

So, uh, you already know

where they're gonna find your body.

Oh, please. I die in a bridge collapse

you have nothing to do with.

I can tell you your future.

Ha! You're wrong. I don't have one.

See the guy in the booth over there?

Jared "leto himself go"?

He just offered to read my future as my tip!

Ha! You don't have one.

Miss, let me read your palm.

Sir, coming over here right now is not a good idea.

We don't like to be stiffed by strangers.

In six months, maybe, but we're not there yet.

I'm a legit psychic.

I predicted long hair was coming back

in time to have long hair when it did.

Okay. You can read my palm.

I could use some good news.

I could also use some hand moisturizer... sorry.

I see two ms?

You bitch! Have you been holding out on M&M's?

Ooh! Is it the male model

I'm managing

who's also making it with Max?

Actually... I see a small failure.

I take it back. You are good!

(peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

here's your chocolate lemon crumble.

Sounds like it shouldn't work together, but it does.

It's the Tony Bennett and lady gaga of desserts.

Max, can I have just a wee bite?

A crumble of the crumble?

Caroline won't let me eat anything

because of my big photo shoot.

[Sighs] Hurry!

No chewing, no enjoying. Just swallow.

Spit that out!

No!

I said spit that out!

You're a model now! Shame on you!

Bitch, he's starving.

He's not eating, is he?

I don't want the stay puft marshmallow man

showing up at my girlfriend's photo shoot.

I haven't eaten anything since Tuesday!

This morning, he tried to swallow his toothpaste,

but I was right there to stop him.

Good, honey.

That kind of heartlessness is why I've decided

to make you the manager of our hot new location

of the high.

Oh, my god! This is so exciting!

Someone's finally realizing my full potential,

and it's not me!

Will I be able to make Max head pastry chef?

And where is this new location?

Well, right now, everything's under wraps

the way my face was six months ago.

But as manager, you can hire your own staff,

and I'll even let you poach Max.

I'll also tell you

the new spot is amazing.

It's international. It's a hub.

I'm talking major flagship.

Honey, I get that you're happy,

but enough with the eye contact.

No one can look me in the eye.

I'm the medusa in Chanel.

Max doesn't let me look her in the eyes

during sex either.

I told you, eye contact's extra.

Max, did you hear that?

Major flagship!

Uh, did someone just call me a major flag?

I think you did, and if I don't get to

go to the new place with you two,

I'm telling hr.

That's Hector Rodriguez, my therapist.

Would you be interested in coming to the new high

as part of our team?

If you say "part of our team" again,

I'll rethink the whole thing.

I'll take it.

But I have to be upfront with Max.

I don't like it in the back.

Which, by the way, is what i say to all my dates.

Samesies!

Well, this is great news.

How about we celebrate with a piece of pie?

No!

Earl, we have great news. Guess what it is.

No, don't. Okay, guess. No, don't. Yes, guess, guess!

Can we hurry this along?

My cousin is on Maury povich today,

and I wanna find out if he's the father.

'Cause then I can stop paying child support.

Sorry. She's a little amped.

She hasn't had good news to share

since we found out the washing machine

in our basement takes buttons.

Han! We have good news.

Sure, you do.

And I'm playing center for the New York Knicks!

Have you seen the Knicks lately?

He can only help.

Well, according to my time card,

I've been here for six hours already,

so I'm gonna head back and catch some zs.

The mattress is all yours, Max.

Hey, everybody. We weren't expecting company.

I came by

to discuss wedding details with Oleg

while we had intercourse.

What is this, the bunny ranch?

Baby, I think these are yours.

Yeah.

Yeah. Why, thank you, honey.

Can we just make it a general rule

that there's no fornication in the diner?

Or in han's apartment, ever.

Okay, Max and I have some really exciting news.

Yeah, yeah. We know all about the buttons.

Oleg!

I think you crushed my seating arrangement!

I'd like to think so.

So, back to us.

How 'bout back to work?

Max and I...

Need to do some work!

There. End of news.

Where are you running off to so fast?

Is someone having a sale on smaller heads?

I'm too small, I'm too big... pick one!

Here's our big news.

You are looking at the manager

and the head pastry chef of the brand-new high location.

Actually, he's looking at our kneecaps.

Okay, so we're going with too small.

If you two quit the diner, how will I ever replace you?

Unless I hire... Literally anyone else!

No, han, we still have to work here at night.

We have more debt than Jada pinkett-Smith

has excuses for will not being home.

But at the new high,

we're gonna be the big bosses

calling all the shots.

Yes, yes... By day.

But by night, you'll be the coleslaw's bitch.

Don't listen to him.

Clearly, han just resents our success.

I know! Why can't women ever just be happy for each other?

Wow, that is really hot.

Yeah.

The milder salsa's right here.

Listen... oh!

Do girls eat now?

Wow! Lena Dunham changed everything!

Listen, which one of you is sleeping with the model?

I know one of you said you were,

but I don't listen when you talk.

[Muffled] She is.

This is a massive ad campaign,

and I don't know how else to say this,

but I need his penis to look bigger.

Oh! Yeah...

It gets nervous when you shine a light on it.

Sometimes I hear her coaxing it out of its crawl space

with treats.

Well, do something.

I haven't touched one since college,

and even then it was just to look under it for my keys.

Max, take him off set. Be professional.

How professional can I be?

She's asking me to fluff his nutter.

Yo, Nash! Break time.

So... Marie.

Did Joe tell you about my big new job promotion?

Of course she did. We're lesbians.

Talking is most of what we do.

It's why we rule daytime.

(Irish accent) Eh... Pardon me.

You, maybe. That coat... never.

I'm lookin' for someone.

You also look like an extra from Angela's ashes.

But this is a private shoot,

as in we're shooting someone's privates.

I'm looking for me son.

Okay, people! The groundhog's outta the hole!

Six more inches of winter.

That's him! That's me boy!

Ma?

Huh?

Ma, how did you know i was in New York?

Aw, no, you saw me in the today show window,

didn't ya?

You checked into "America" on Facebook,

you bleedin' idiot.

I flew all the way and been lookin' for you day and night

in this dirty, god forsaken city for a week.

I'm takin' you home.

Ma'am, Nash can make his own decisions.

He's a grown man.

Yep. Thanks to my handiwork.

He's no grown man. He's just now 18.

He's got his prom next month!

I can't believe it!

I had sex with a teenager!

Who am I, Woody Allen?

Roman polanski?

Pretty much any of your big-time '70s movie directors?

You had sex with me innocent child?

Uh, not so innocent.

He made me blush a few times,

and I have two positions named after me.

Well, that's that.

You've seen the last of big booby dirty girl here.

I'd object, but when you're right, you're right.

But ma, i like New York.

People want to take pictures of me Willy here.

This is all me fault.

I should have never let you watch that magic Mike.

That's great.

I don't have a model now.

I'm seal.

Wait until i tell Joe about this.

How can you not know how old he is?

Uh... What can I say? We're a typical couple!

He lied about his age, and i pretended he was interesting.

Okay, Max, when Joe gets here,

I'm just gonna tell her

that me managing an underage twink

has nothing to do with me managing her restaurant

which sells overpriced twink... Ies.

Yeah. I'm sure she'll be professional about it all.

Professional?

Yesterday, she slapped a woman in here

for wearing cheap heels.

I know. My face is still red.

Here she is.

Good morning, Joe!

Hey, ladies.

Well, obviously, you're both fired.

Obviously.

Can I keep the hat?

You are not gonna want this back.

My head sweats like a watermelon at a picnic.

Please don't fire us over the Nash situation.

It was out of our hands.

Actually, it was in her hands,

and it was only 18.

You two embarrassed my girlfriend.

And embarrassment in the lesbian community

is worse than not owning a dog.

It's worse than dating Anne heche.

Oh, my god. We committed a heche crime.

How can we make it better?

Just get that kid back to the photo shoot tomorrow,

and we're back in business.

And Max, next time,

stay out of his barely legal business.

Done. Don't know how, but done.

You won't be sorry.

Just get him back, 'cause I gotta tell ya...

Marie's crying face?

Not for me.

Well, coleslaw...

Just when I thought i was out,

you pulled me back in again.

Max, don't tell the coleslaw that.

Don't give it that power.

My plan to get Nash back will work.

We still have a bright, bright future.

Yes! By day.

Han!

Do you want to spend another night

in this coleslaw bucket?

No. And had I not been able to

roll myself out to the street,

I might have suffocated!

Nash and his mom will be here any minute, Max.

Do you really need to expose 60% of your boobs?

It's not up to me.

These girls have a life of their own.

The right one just started a fleetwood Mac cover band.

You know how I know?

'Cause when I take my bra off, it goes its own way.

Do you really think you can get Nash's mother

to change her mind when they come in

to pick up the rest of his stuff?

Yes, I do.

Because she and i have a lot in common.

I may not be Irish, but I'm dirt poor,

and I'm living with someone who drinks way too much.

(Oleg) Max, look.

All those purple post-its

are Sophie's friends and family.

My family's nowhere to be seen!

It's like I'm looking at the last U.S. census!

Hey, girls. Come over here.

We need your help with the seating chart.

Yeah. You know, planning a wedding is more work

than waxing Oleg's back during a full moon.

Sophie, I have my own issue right now.

Okay. Then Max can help me with the chart

while you go worry about your obviously thinning hair.

Uh, full disclosure...

The last time someone asked me to help them with something,

I free-based half their beard off.

[Chime]

I just got a text from Nash.

He's here? I'll go get him a kid's menu.

They're not coming.

His mom found the racy pictures I sent him.

"Flying out of jfk tomorrow.

Taking the morning aer lingus"?

A little morning "aer lingus"?

Isn't that what got Max in trouble in the first place?

Okay, well, we just have to go to the airport

and stop them.

I'll buy us plane tickets and then return them,

like I do with shoes or tom cruise does with wives.

Jackets and shoes off!

And make sure you check all your pockets.

Don't make me shut this airport down for a piece of gum.

This line is longer than the movie gone girl.

What does tsa stand for? "Time stands a-still?"

That's cute. Never heard that one before.

Most people just go with "this sucks ass."

Max, please don't yell out again.

People get very jumpy in airports.

Oh, what? It's not like i screamed, "i have a bomb!"

Miss, will you step over here, please?

Oh, I was kidding. I don't have a bomb.

But I have been known to... Be da bomb.

Max!

Please, please, if we step away,

we'll lose our place in line.

I know it sounds like we're here to blow up a plane,

but we're really just here to stop an underage kid

she had sex with from leaving the country.

So I should just come over there now.

Yep. You just been hand-picked

to join the "i don't trust you" dance party.

May I see your tickets?

Nice day. I like your hair.

Thanks. We're allowed to be creative

from the neck up.

Ooh! You traveling to Paris.

First-class.

In those jeans?

You got first-class tickets to Paris?

Are you insane?

My fingers did it.

It was rich girl cellular memory.

And if we're not going anywhere,

why can't we not go to Paris?

And why can't we not go to the louvre?

And why can't we not stay in the penthouse

at the George cinq and not order room service?

Is it too late for me to say I don't know her?

Ma'am, are you carrying any explosives?

I had leftover chipotle for breakfast.

Does that count?

It does to whoever's sitting next to you.

(Woman, French accent) Air France flight 113

will now begin boarding at gate 24.

Max! That's our flight.

(Bad French accent) Air France, flight 113.

Ooh! I bet on the plane,

they'll have caviar and bellinis.

You know what won't be on the plane?

Us!

We're not going!

Have you been smoking the half joint

I have hidden in my bra?

You have a joint?

Bank account? Ha!

You went through security with pot?

I went through third grade with pot.

There he is. There's Nash.

I'm sure his mom is asking

if he can visit the cockpit and meet the pilot.

Wow. He's young.

So young, Bruce jenner has been a woman

for most of his life.

Nash! Please.

You can't go. Our entire lives depend on

you finishing that photo shoot.

Nash Terrence o'brien, you're not going anywhere.

Or I'll take you over my knee right here.

Well, he likes that.

Well, you...

You are just loose as a goose, aren't ya?

Again... When you're right, you're right.

Max, let me talk to Mrs. o'brien.

Go up to the gate.

Ask what movie they're showing on their flight.

Okay, but if they're showing anything,

and I mean anything

from Mr. Adam sandler...

I'm getting on the plane too.

Please. I'm begging you.

You don't know me. I'm a proud woman.

The only other time i ever begged

was to get off of p. Diddy's yacht.

I mean, a party shouldn't be three days long.

Miss, you can save your silly breath.

I'm taking him home.

Would passenger Maeve o'brien please report to the gate desk?

Oh, Nash, maybe they're bumping us up

from the last coach row to the second to the last coach row!

I knew I'd be rewarded for not having any abortions

in spite of me circumstances.

Grab Nash... let's get out of here

while I got her distracted.

Max, you did that? How?

I no longer have the half a joint in my bra.

You bribed an airline employee with a joint?

Pain? Oh, you really gotta stretch out for that.

Max, this is kidnapping.

Oh, he's not that young. When I was his age,

I had already robbed three blockbuster videos.

What's blockbuster video?

Oh, my god, i screwed a baby.

Okay. I'm gonna text Joe and tell her we have Nash

in our custody. No, I'd better call.

That text won't play well at our trial.

I'm sorry I didn't tell ya i was so young.

But honestly, I didn't think it mattered

since you're so immature.

I know you are, but what am I?

Okay, so Joe was really impressed

with the kidnapping, and she gave us our jobs back.

But Nash, you've been replaced.

They found another model

who wouldn't give them any parent trouble...

A well-hung orphan.

A well-hung orphan.

Well, the lord gives and the lord takes.

So what now?

Well, you go back to Ireland and brag to your friends

about having sex with someone who once had sex

with axl rose's best friend's son.

Good-bye, Max.

Later, Nash potater.

You know, I think I'm gonna miss him.

Especially since kids eat free at quiznos before 6:00.

Ugh! Let's get out of here.

The only good thing about airports

is leaving them for someplace better.

Max, next time we're here, I'm gonna take you to Paris.

Well, first take me to the bathroom.

I've had to pee since our tram hit that pothole.

Well, at least we're gonna be working somewhere with class.

I wonder where it is.

Joe said it's a real hub, flagship, international.

Yeah. It's gonna be international terminal 8!

What?

Here?

We're working here?

I've got to find out who I brutally murdered

in a previous life and make it up to him or her.

This sucks! The one place

no one will ever give us a ride to work!

(Female announcer) Final boarding for air France, flight 113.

Of course it is.

Look at the bright side. These days, most planes

don't even make it to where they're supposed to go.

(Announcer) Paging first-class passengers Caroline Channing

and Max black.

Those rich bitches are so lucky!