Original subtitles

The sad lady book club is reading

fifty shades of grey again.

There's not a dry seat in the house.

If those ladies are that into light torture,

they should just apply for our jobs.

[Bell dings] - Hey.

Aww, you two are so adorable.

Like Romeo and Juliet, but without the bright future.

Yeah...

I want him out of the diner.

What are you talking about?

Anyone who works in this diner

is like a fat guy in a smart car.

You can never get out.

It's true.

I came in here in 1962 for a cup of coffee.

Someone asked me to break a dollar, and I never left.

Look. Living, working, and sleeping with the same guy

is never a good idea.

Just talk to Hillary Clinton.

I guess I can get a dishwasher fired.

When I was rich, I got Wolfgang puck fired from Wolfgang puck.

Get yours, Max!

Hit it then quit it.

That strategy served me well in my 20s and 30s.

Evening, ladies.

Also, my 70s.

(peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

[bell dinging] - Pick up.

Or don't.

Who gives a crap?

Well, someone's in a bad mood. What's wrong, Oleg?

Did they discontinue making axe body spray?

Don't even kid.

No. I'm cranky because I'm not having sex right now.

Yeah. I thought it was weird seeing both your hands

while you were talking.

Sophie's idea. It's some old Polish ritual.

The bride and groom remain chaste for 30 days

before the wedding.

Apparently, the "something blue" at the wedding

has got to be my balls.

So, you're practicing celibacy.

I'm trying, but there are women everywhere.

I feel like a bull in a vagina shop.

Hear ye, hear ye!

I'm unveiling a major improvement to the diner!

Well, we'll miss you, han.

Nice try, Max, but like Ryan seacrest,

I'll be here forever.

Now, will you all please do what you have yet to do on Twitter

and follow me?

You too, Earl.

Hell, this better be good.

Every step I take could be my last.

And now...

Without further a-douche...

Ready to have your minds blown?

At this point, I'm ready to have anything blown.

Ta-da!

That is the worst gift i ever received

and last year, my son bought me a coffin.

This works our great then, because it's not for you.

It's for Nash.

Oh, well, that's real nice.

Because the shower at Max's place doesn't work at all.

You better believe it's nice.

That's the spritzy 5000.

Dishwasher weekly gave it four out of four dishies.

You know our oven doesn't work, right?

Hey, boss lady, if we work hard, do we get a gift?

If you work hard, I'll die childless

with my mouth frozen open in shock.

Yeah, I went there!

Nash works hard, so only he may handle my beautiful hose!

Well, if he's handling han's hose,

he's never getting fired.

Okay. Step up here, Nash.

I'll show you what this puppy can do.

So far the puppy can't reach the hose.

A little help.

Aww, there's nothing cuter than a hot guy holding a baby.

Now just grab that thing and squeeze it till it sprays.

Move to call a moratorium on the words "grab," "squeeze,"

and "sprays" till the wedding.

Damn! That's hot.

And me without any singles to stuff down his pants.

Well, I better go dry off in the men's room.

Don't be too long in that stall.

I've got a date with the land o'lakes butter package lady

on my next break.

[All gasping]

Oh. Pardon me, ladies. I'm all wet.

[All gasping]

Max? Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Those ladies looking at him like he's a senior special

at sizzler's?

[All speaking at once]

We might not be able to get Nash fired,

but we can get him hired as a fashion model.

Look at their faces.

He could be the future bulge of Calvin klein.

Now you're talking about the future?

Why can't you just accept that we are stuck

with a really crappy present?

Quit trash-talking the spritzy 5000!

Good afternoon. Welcome to the high.

I'll have somebody get you some water.

Not me, 'cause I'm past that.

You know, here.

I think I just sat another one of those lesbian blind-dates

for our boss.

It's hard out there for a pimp.

Why do you think i got out of pimping?

That and someone broke a beer bottle over my head.

So, did you get Nash a modeling job yet?

I'm working on it.

It's not like I can just call Tyra banks.

Well, that's what her people said when I called.

Ugh, phone therapy ran long.

Apparently I have more issues than I realized

about Rosie leaving the view.

Are my dates here yet?

Please don't tell me it's her, her, or her.

It's her, her, and her.

Lose them.

How am I supposed to get rid of them?

Just say what anyone says when they want a lesbian to leave,

"there's a Subaru outside that's about to get a ticket."

If you had you told me, ten years ago,

I'd be on a dating site called "lez meet up,"

I would've told the youth pastor i was married to,

"you've lost your mind."

[Phone beeps]

[Gasps]

Oh, I just got some interest

from the del monico modeling agency.

But for the interview, he needs photos.

And not just the pictures of his butt on your phone.

Fine, you handle it.

The only thing I know about modeling is

a couple of years ago, I was the face of shingles on webmd.

Girls, perfect timing to ask me to do this photo shoot.

The FBI just gave me my camera back last week.

Oh, so you get your camera back,

but I'm still waiting on that kilo of coke

that I spent hours carefully filling my butt with?

Let me just change the settings.

This camera is used to taking pictures from 800 feet away.

And we want those pictures back, Oleg!

Hey, everybody!

Just call me "rush hour traffic"

'cause I sure am horny.

Oh, Caroline, I do not know how you go years, and years,

and years, and years, and years, and years

without doing the nasty.

It's only been years and years.

- Come on. - And years.

Well, I could go for a brisket sandwich.

We're closed, Sophie.

I know. I got one in my purse.

And why are you doing the photo shoot in this skanky dishroom?

Because we're going with the "hot dishwasher" angle.

The agency said every model needs a hook.

Yeah, like how Cindy Crawford has a beauty mark

and Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

Yeah, yeah. My sister is a model in Poland and she has a hook.

It's her left hand, yeah. It's is also great for kabobs.

Come on, Nash!

Put a little Irish spring in your step.

I'm a little nervous.

The only other time I had my picture taken was at school.

The priest said he needed a shirtless one for the roll call.

Where did he go to school, our lady of to catch a predator?

Wow. You sure look hot.

Careful, Sophie.

That's my brisket.

I'm not talking about Daniel day-loser here.

I'm talking about Oleg.

You are sweating like an old knockwurst

that has been left out in the sun.

It's really breathtaking.

Okay, Nash, stand over here near the hose

and give me hot face, dead eyes.

You know, like me when I mix nyquil and dayquil.

I call it afternoonquil.

Okay. Now I'm gonna start shooting.

Yeah. Shoot, baby! Shoot!

- What do you think? [Camera clicking]

Well, he's stiff, but not in the good way.

Ugh, this is painful.

He's like Susan boyle without the star quality.

We need a little of what he had the other day.

You'll thank me for this later.

[Camera clicking]

Yes, Nash, yes!

Tear your shirt!

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Gasps]

Stop!

What the hell is happening in here?

I didn't give anyone permission to use my diner

for a photo shoot.

Calm down.

We are trying to get him a modeling job.

He has a job! He's my number one worker.

Like the doctor said to your mother when you were born,

tough break.

You two crows don't let me have anything!

Okay, Nash, part of the model audish

is to see how you'd be as a performer in commercials,

and movies, and other things people don't watch anymore.

Now, obviously, right out of the gate,

you're not gonna be as good as that duck who says "aflac,"

but you've got to be at least as good as Ben affleck.

I can help. For a time, i had a rich acting career.

It started with a starring role in Annie,

and ended when I portrayed Rosa parks

in an ill-advised high school production

that led to an investigation by the naacp.

Ooh, this is a commercial for breakfast cereal!

Ah! Every actor's dream!

Hey, Nash, read this.

Think James Dean.

But alive and eating cocoa puffs.

"Cocoa puffs are a delicious part

of any well-balanced breakfast."

I'm trying to find a nice way to say...

You suck, bro.

You... you get it.

You know the thrill of eating chocolate

at a traditionally non-chocolatey time of day.

Let's tap into that.

Okay. Take it from the top.

And this time, go cuckoo.

Go cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

"Cocoa puffs are a delicious..."

stop.

Don't phone this in. It's not raisin bran.

"Pocoa cuffs are a delicious..."

"pocoa cuffs"?

Pocoa cuffs?

I just can't with these rank amateurs, Caroline.

Max, calm down.

It's a fake tryout for a cereal commercial,

not dance moms.

I'm nervous. I'm not an actor.

Uh, no, you are not.

Give me that.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Got it.

Cocoa puffs are a delicious part of any well-balanced breakfast!

They're good for you, which parents love,

and they taste like candy, which I love!

I can't help it! I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs!

Cuckoo!

I'm tearing up, and it's not just the black mold in here.

Max, I think you may have just set the acting bar too high.

[Knock at door] - Oh.

I've never set a bar too high before.

I've set a bar on fire and I've left a bar too high.

Oh, hey, girls.

Oh, do you mind if I hang down here with you for a while?

Oleg is up there, he's trying to seduce me

by cleaning the apartment.

And it's, oh, oh, so dirty.

[Vacuum cleaner humming]

Oh, oh, he's vacuuming now, which means he's naked.

Oh, me and my Polish values.

Polish values?

That's the name of my favorite dollar store in Brooklyn.

[Vacuum humming]

Oh, he's deep-cleaning the shag.

Oh, my god. Somebody, do something

to make me not want sex.

All right, Nash, why don't you show us your runway walk?

That was it.

Oh, I thought you were going to pick up a pen.

Thanks, perfect.

Now I'm completely turned off.

Watching that potato walk across the room really did the trick.

Nash, concentrate.

Follow my lead.

Bam. Pow. Bam. Pow.

And step and bam, and step and pow,

and step and bam!

Oh, even better!

I mean, after that, they could film the sequel

to frozen on my lady parts.

Yeah, me too.

But just 'cause i "let it go" down there.

[Vacuum hum continues] - Aaah!

Oh, now he's using the wand attachment.

Oh, and he's getting real deep between the cushions.

Oh, my god, just screw it.

I'm never gonna make it to the wedding!

[Groaning]

Oh, grandma kuchenski, please forgive me

for what I'm about to do.

I...

Well, you were no white Lily yourself!

[Gasps] - Wow.

He's bamming and powing up a storm.

When he's famous, i hope he remembers us.

Pfft. I like to think I did some things he will never forget.

How's that?

Great, you can walk.

If you can read too, I'll treat myself to a snapple.

Let's get to the copy.

Actually, we came prepared.

Nash rehearsed the cocoa puffs commercial.

I think you'll be quite moved.

Oh yeah, well, we'll be reading something

a little different today.

[Clears throat]

Don't panic. They do this all the time.

They want to make sure you're flexible.

Yeah. Go ahead, Nash.

Whatever cereal it is, act like it's delicious.

Unless it's rice krispies. A-boring!

Okay, here goes.

"You know you like it.

Bend over, bitch."

Uh, are we missing a page?

Cereals have changed since I was a kid.

Should I read the part where I notice

the teacher's not wearing any panties?

Oh, my god. This is porn!

No wonder all those people out there were freaks.

No wonder I recognized so many of them.

Don't act so surprised.

Everyone knows cocoa puffs is code for porn.

Also, you sent us some pictures taken by someone

very experienced in erotica.

We can't let him do this.

I have a movie that starts shooting tomorrow

that pays $1,000 a day.

Can we?

Maybe we can't.

It's the lead in sorest rump.

Maybe we can.

I think we need a little sidebar, delores.

- [Clears throat] - Should I come with you?

No, we're good.

I have a couple of questions for the actor.

Can you swim, and are you circumcised?

Max, this has gone too far.

I know, I was expecting you to just crash with me

for a couple of days and get your own place.

Are we really gonna let Nash do porn

just so he doesn't work at the diner?

Hey, ladies, what's it gonna be?

I got other talent to see.

I got a guy named lustin beaver

taking the amtrak in from Philly.

Max, if you're really keen on me being a porn actor,

I'll do it.

She says, tomorrow, they start filming

the grand Booty fest hotel.

And, they'll pay me more for my accent.

Also, what does "gay for pay" mean?

Ugh, I guess it means we got to go.

Look at him, Max.

A cute guy, eaten up and spat out by show business

like so many Baldwin brothers before him.

Nash doesn't care about modeling.

He's 21. He doesn't care about anything.

His biggest concern is playing with the Xbox.

Mine and, also, the popular video game system.

He cares about you.

He was willing to do "gay for pay."

Did I hear Nash is going "gay for pay"?

'Cause I've got $4 burning a hole in my pocket.

Oh, a customer.

Hi, welcome to the high. Here for dessert?

Oh, thanks but I haven't had cake since my sweet 16,

and even then, i made myself throw it up.

I'm meeting someone here and my phone's about to die.

And if it dies, I will too. Do you have an outlet?

Screaming in the shower really works for me.

Like, right into the water.

Super cute. But I do need a phone outlet.

I'll plug you in, honey,

and I'll take care of your phone, too.

Girls, meet Marie.

Hi. Seriously, down to 10%.

Oh, did you two meet on "lez meet up"?

No, honey, I've never been on "lez meet up."

Oh, you're thinking of me, Caroline.

You know how much i love lady tail.

This place is amazing.

Isn't it amazing?

I had the decorator redo it nine times.

You can feel his anger in the walls.

It's electric.

We're electric. Who is this miracle?

That's Nash. I found him in the bowery

next to a pile of burning trash.

Go say hi.

He's even creamier and more delicious up close.

You're eating? That is so punk rock.

Tell me everything right now.

Uh, well, I'm a dishwasher.

I'm from Ireland.

Oh, I was trying to become a model

and I almost did porn an hour ago.

That is the best story i ever heard.

Tell it to me again standing up.

But this time, don't talk.

I see face, I see ass, i see model.

Do you have a manager?

I guess that'd be Caroline, the blonde one over there.

Blonde one, come over here and talk to me about your client.

I am in love. He's perfection.

Marie prower, senior vp of marketing.

Sweet, what company?

Guess.

Um, Tommy hilfinger.

I work for guess, darling.

No more words. Listen.

He's amazing.

I would tweet about him right now, but my phone is dead.

So bring him into my office on Monday.

You heard her, Caroline.

Bring him into her office tomorrow.

She's obsessed with me.

Max, I was right. He is a model.

Get me a hot wife and a hotter woman to cheat on her with,

'cause I'm a big-time talent manager.

Congratulations, dude.

Well, I guess if this works out, I'm gonna have to quit my job

at the diner.

Will you be mad at me?

I'll be really sad.

I'm gonna miss you a lot, you know?

Not seeing you 24/7.

But I would hate myself if I didn't let you

follow your dreams.

Even if it means you moving out of the apartment, too.

Now go.

Here comes that tear again.

I'm all choked up.

Max, you would have made a great Rosa parks.

If you had been black.

Which, I guess, is what they insist on.

But you got him to move out.

You are good.

Yeah, well, I mean, he's cute,

but I'm not all that cuckoo for his cocoa puffs.

[Cash register bell rings]