Original subtitles

Oleg, the people at table two

want to know what's in the veggie burger.

No. They don't.

Eh. That's fine.

They wanted refills, so I'm probably not

gonna go back there anyway.

Where's Max?

This plate has been here so long,

the salmon is turning into salmonella.

She took a break with the new dishwasher.

Max, I thought you slipped out the back.

He did for a minute, but I popped him back in.

This just in, work is so much more fun

when you're sleeping with a co-worker.

Max, that was good.

It was five hail Marys good.

I think we made these dishes dirtier.

Max, he's cute, but how can you even stay hard with that accent?

"Come here, Max. I wanna hump ya a wee bit".

What can I say, i always had a thing

for the guy on the box of lucky charms.

(peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

hey, everybody.

Look, I got me a fitbit.

13, 14, 15...

Only 200,000 more steps before I get a bit more fit

for my wedding.

That's impressive.

I couldn't even make it through 12 steps.

Hey, Max.

How's my maid of honor?

Hey, Caroline.

How's my run-of-the-mill wedding guest?

I'm doing great. Did that sound convincing?

'Cause I've been practicing it in the bathroom mirror

for an hour every morning.

I know, I've got to stop sitting on the toilet

while you do that.

Max, let's talk bridesmaid dresses.

I don't care, I'll wear anything.

I wore a greyhound bus driver's uniform to my prom.

I was coming straight from work.

Well, I have decided to wear

grandma kuchenski's wedding gown.

Yeah, all of the women in my family wore it.

Everyone except aunts svetti and letti,

'cause, well, they're attached at the abdomen.

There she is.

The hot sauce for my huevos mancheros.

Hey, Sophie, baby, i got you what you want.

Oleg, no one wants hepatitis.

It's official.

Our wedding's gonna be in the times.

Oleg, how are you gonna be in the times?

The times tends to be picky

and you tend to be more "picky your nose."

You know, my second wedding made the times.

'Cause my first wife showed up and shot me in the leg.

[Phone dings]

That's vlanka, my sister.

She's my other bridesmaid.

Yeah, we're not that close, but I feel bad for her

'cause she's one of those adults with freckles.

Max, you're going to be in the times!

In th times, wearing god knows what Sophie will pick.

I mean, she has a drawer full of diamond tiaras for the gym.

Hello, what are you two talking about?

Deciding which tables to ignore?

We're talking about Sophie's taste.

Oh, bitch, please. Come on.

My morning fiber cookie has better taste than Sophie.

Girls, vlanka's out.

She has an attitude and freckles.

Yeah. I mean, that's too far.

So, Caroline, congratulations!

You're my new bridesmaid!

Okay, I found a bridesmaid's dress that I like.

But the only way we can afford it is if I sell you

to that Armenian guy on craigslist.

No way.

I get sick of hummus after four bites.

Max, we have to take charge of this.

Because whatever bridesmaid's dress Sophie picks

is like a Tyler Perry movie.

I don't have to see it to know it's gonna be awful.

We'll find something classy, and beautiful,

and just shove it down her throat.

Who's shoving what down whom?

And if you don't have a story, I do.

John, Max and I got roped into being bridesmaids.

Stop.

You had me at rope.

You lost me at bridesmaids.

I'll be at the hostess stand, looking at dresses

and silently wishing for an asteroid

to wipe us off the planet.

If wishes made things happen, we'd been in the middle

of a zombie apocalypse right now.

Hey, girls.

My dress just arrived from Poland

and I'm bustin' for you to see it.

See it while I eat one of your $14 puddings.

Sophie, I've been looking at color choices,

and how would you feel about us in a nude?

Max could go nude but you don't have the rack to pull it off.

Does anyone have a knife?

Max, why do you have a switchblade

to work in a dessert bar?

My mother always told me to carry protection.

Wait 'til you see grandma kuchenski's dress.

They don't make them like they used to.

You know, forced gypsy labor is illegal now.

Here we go.

- Oh. - Uh...

Sophie, was your grandma the crypt keeper?

What's going on out here?

What's all that white powder in the air?

I'm trying to run a restaurant, not an 80's disco.

Oh, put a sock in it.

I'm buying one of your freaking overpriced puddings.

I'd get mad but I'm mildly attracted to you right now.

Just mildly?

I mean, now I'm getting mad.

Sorry. Wedding drama.

Her dress just fell completely to pieces...

Like I'm assuming I'll do in the near future.

Whatever you need anything bridal,

go to rosenfeld's in Brooklyn.

That's where I got my dress when I was broke and straight.

So you weren't always into women?

Of course I was.

Except those three years in scientology.

Well, it looks like the three of us

are going to go dress shopping now.

Yeah. And you know, i got to go wash my hands

'cause they're covered in old lady DNA.

Well, that's that.

Shopping with Sophie is like when I worked

in a thai massage parlor.

We are going down.

Not if we go before Sophie

and hide every ugly bridesmaid's dress that Sophie would like.

If she can't see them, she can't make us wear them.

How did you come up with that so fast?

It's the same plan i used in 2010

when I was a bridesmaid for Chelsea Clinton.

Bad dress and then her father followed me into the coat room.

Oh, wow.

Look at this place.

It reminds me of that movie.

- Bridesmaids? - No, nightmare on elm street.

I don't know what you're worried about, Caroline.

I think they're all quite lovely.

Nash, please.

You're a poor person from Ireland.

I'll ask your opinion when i need to know where to go

to get free leg braces.

You were right, Max.

She can be a real "b" sometimes.

I'm sorry, but I don't even know why he's here.

Bonin' o'brien here...

Is gonna distract the sales lady

while we hide the ugly dresses.

Hello, ladies.

Same plan.

Who's the lucky bride?

Or should I say, who's the lucky cradle robber?

Don't mind me.

It's just my crazy sense of humor.

Oh, the ladies here love it.

The call me "crazy Carl."

[Raspy voice] "Did you hear what crazy Carl said?"

They just love it.

I'm Caroline.

This is Max and he isn't the groom.

No, no, no.

He's single and gay. Yes.

So gay, he got kicked out of one direction.

Why don't you two walk off somewhere

and share poignant coming-out stories.

Go.

- But Max... - Oh, you heard the women, go.

Can do.

Ladies, look around, we'll be back...

In about a month.

Tahiti anyone?

I'm just crazy Carl.

The ladies love it.

Bridesmaid's dresses should be called what they are.

Really expensive donations to goodwill.

Is this one bad?

No. That's a Vera wang.

But this is a very wrong.

Hide it.

Ew. And it's evil twin.

Oh, I didn't know Hazmat suits came with feathers.

Oh my god.

This the worst thing I've ever seen.

And I've seen a prostitute change her tampon

on the sidewalk.

Who are you calling a prostitute?

This, we've got to hide.

I can't get this dress off.

Just tell it you work at Google

and you're thinking of settling down.

Lift it up. Lift it up. Dump it back there.

Stop!

You put butterscotch Betty down.

Oh, we were just looking for a price tag.

I know what's going on here.

You're hiding the good dresses

to make sure no one else can get them

at our annual half-off sale tomorrow.

Yeah, that's what we're doing.

We're hiding the good dresses.

In fact, I just caught another sneaky sue.

Oh, I'm Sophie.

Oh, wow, wow, wow.

Oh, look at the color.

That's not color. That's radiation.

That dress is a one of a kind.

Meaning there's only one?

No, we have two.

And I have two bridesmaids!

I love it when life works out perfect like this.

[Indistinct chatter]

(Public address announcement) Ladies, our half off sale will begin in a minute.

Look at this place.

There are more desperate women crammed in here

than the splash zone at a Kenny Chesney concert.

I know. It's like black Friday at Walmart

and like black Friday, hopefully someone will trample me.

Cause thanks to these dresses, my life is over.

Max, did you hear me?

My life is over.

You said that when the Chinese food place

forgot the duck sauce.

Well, I'm sorry, but I had a whole other scenario planned

for my return to the times.

"Entrepreneur rises from the ashes."

Now, I'm just going to be in the times,

looking like a stupid ash.

Shoot, girl, just push on through.

I'm pushing, girl. I am pushing.

(Both) Excuse us.

Excuse us.

Excuse us.

Just go, girl.

I don't want anybody else to get those

two yellow dresses.

Max, did you hear that?

Someone has worst taste than Sophie.

Now we just have to hang back here

and let them get to those dresses first.

Yay! My life is good again.

Max, Caroline, up here.

What was that, like, a second?

I saved you a space upfront.

Come on.

Well, it's over.

As soon as they cut that ribbon,

Sophie's going to marshawn lynch everyone who

gets in the way of us and those dresses.

There's only one way out of this.

And you called it earlier.

You have to let them trample you.

I'm serious.

I'm not about to be trampled on purpose.

See if you still feel that way

after I say these next few words:

"Pictured from left, Caroline Channing."

Try to fend off any heels you see heading for my eyes.

Attention, ladies.

As you see, i have the big scissors,

which can only mean it's time...

To trim some nose hairs!

[Laughter]

That Carl is crazy.

The annual bridal sale...

- Is now... - Max, hold my hand.

Open!

[All shouting]

Ladies, ladies, one at a time.

Oh!

Well, I may be limping down the aisle,

but at least I won't be limping in something swiffer might sell

to dust off ceiling fans.

[Woman screaming]

Oh, my god, girl! Here she comes!

Here she comes.

My girl, Rhonda, had that dress first.

Oh, your girl is gonna have to

pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

Hey, Max, Caroline!

Try it on!

Follow me to the changing room.

(Caroline) I'm never coming out in this dress, I'm scared.

(Max) So on the count of one, two...

Maybe it's not that bad.

(Both) It's bad.

Okay. So you're telling me,

versace got murdered,

but no one's taken out whoever made these?

I know.

I feel like tweety bird is gonna sue us

for copyright infringement.

I feel like we should have giant toilet paper rolls under here.

Well, maybe we'll like these better

when we're out of this bright light.

Max, we are the bright light.

Ladies, you forgot the matching hats.

There's more?

Oh, if anyone finds a Xanax, it's mine.

It was knocked out of my hand by two women duking it out

over a chintz mermaid dress.

Oh, now it looks good.

There's Xanax on the loose and I'm just standing here?

At least if I was high, I'd have an excuse to be wearing this.

Here pilly, pilly.

Here pilly, pilly, pilly.

Girl, for real, you look like straight up crap

in that dress.

For real.

You white girls can't pull that color off.

That's a waste of poppin' lemon yellow.

I know.

I am way too white for this.

She's also too white to say "turnt up" all the time,

but that hasn't stopped her.

This dress was not my choice.

I hate everything about it.

This is a disaster.

This is "dressageddon."

Yeah, but in a good way.

You two don't want to wear the dresses.

You don't have to.

But I thought you wanted us to match

the balloons and the ducks.

Max, she said we don't have to wear the dress.

Don't question her!

That's like questioning a prison guard

when he says you're free to go.

Sophie, are you sure you don't care?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Yeah, they're all yours, destiny's child.

This is ten pounds of ugly junk.

Reminds me of this bartender, Pete, I used to date.

Come to think of it, that made me gag, too.

Okay. Done.

[Woman crying]

Listen, crying in a women's dressing room?

Whoever it is, girl, big butts are in.

[Crying continues]

That's Sophie's cry.

I know, 'cause i hear it through the vent

when she watches Nashville.

Sophie?

(Sophie) No.

Are you okay?

(Sophie) It's not me, but I'm okay.

[Sobbing continues]

Sophie, why are you crying?

When I heard what you said about the dresses...

It's just...

It's almost, kind of like,

you think I have bad taste or something.

No.

Caroline thinks you have great taste.

She does?

Well, then she should say so.

Now.

Well, Sophie, I think you have your own unique style.

And I think...

That I didn't hear the words "great" or "taste."

Sophie, what do you even care what I think?

Just say it!

Sophie, I think you have great taste.

You do?

[Sophie laughs]

Then, what are we doing sitting here?

Let's go and get those dresses back!

Come on. Help me!

Those other girls already took them.

What?

Well, at least we don't have to wear those ugly,

yellow bridesmaid dresses at the wedding.

Yup. Now, you only have to wear

ugly, yellow dresses here, every night.

This is the best thing that's happened to me

since I realized that weird mole on my arm was just a grape-nut

and not cancer.

Girls, great news.

You stuffed han in the microwave

and you're ready to hit power?

Come on. We've tried.

You know he doesn't fit.

The one thing he's too big for.

No, I got ilia jorbich to be our wedding photographer.

He's the best photographer at the Warsaw times.

Well, he's the only one who still has both arms.

Wait, it's the Warsaw times?

All this time, I've been thinking

it was the New York times.

New York times?

This is much more exclusive.

You can only get it in two places.

Poland and the deli in New Jersey that sells missiles.

This is amazing.

My comeback in the New York times

has been preserved.

Max, I'm gonna go ahead and smile.

My life is good again.

Don't smile yet, 'cause Sophie told me

that because you said she had such good taste,

she's designing our dresses herself.

What was that, like a second?

Yup. You just went from the best of times

to the Warsaw times.