Original subtitles

Max, guess what han's doing at the counter?

Well, I know it's not towering over it.

He's creating signature drinks for the diner.

I suggested any household poison over shaved ice.

Han, this is a stupid idea.

It was Earl's.

Then it's genius.

Yep, I've been drinking all afternoon for free.

Now, I've used only top shelf liquor.

Question: Who got it down for you?

First up: "The Max". It's just whiskey.

On the rocks, like Max's job.

Whatever mine is, i want my rim salted.

Of course you do.

Earl's is an old fashioned with everything.

Pour me another me.

I hate to say it, but I go down easy.

"The Caroline" is lemon schnapps in a slightly frosty glass.

Because of my cool, grace Kelly kind of demeanor?

No, because they had a sale on lemon schnapps

at beverage barn

oh, they don't card there?

Okay, so what's "the han"?

A no sex on the beach?

Mine is a classic Martini, shaken.

Oh, like the first woman who saw you naked.

Correction.

Will see you naked.

(peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

Max, guess what happened when you were running

to the bathroom real quick, for two hours.

You worked the cupcake window while I went

to see the statue of Liberty.

Her head was being renovated.

Everybody in this town is getting work done.

I sold our last cupcake tee!

We've sold out more than Robert De Niro

in the last 20 years of his career.

Well, analyze this, focker.

I noticed we were running low last week,

so I ordered more.

How did I not notice those sooner?

Oh, probably because the last time I looked in there,

there was a rat having sex with a cockroach.

You know, they're still dating.

Really? I thought it was a one time thing.

Well, I guess once you go rat, you never go back.

Thanks for ordering these, I've just been so busy

with Sophie's wedding shower.

Yeah, why are you working so hard?

It's not a big deal.

I threw my mother a shower once.

No wait, I threw her in a shower once.

Max, you really need to start making more of a fuss.

It's for Sophie, it means a lot to her,

and she has a gun.

Well, showers are stupid girl things

that this guy wants no part of.

Hey, girls!

Look. I'm advertising your cupcake business.

You're advertising something, but it's not our cupcakes.

I gave out free t-shirts to our building.

I left one by everyone's door.

Two at Sophie's, 16 at the Sanchez's.

So about six of the kids will have to share.

Interesting. Now our shirts are available at both Rodney,

the high-end Manhattan boutique,

and an apartment building that always smells

a little like gasoline.

Well, please stop talking about things that aren't me.

Now girls, did you get the cake

for my wedding shower tomorrow?

Oh, was I supposed to make a cake?

I've literally done nothing for this shower.

I haven't even taken a bath.

Oh, no, I'm not getting my cake from here.

No, this is my bridal shower.

Yeah, I want to get something classic from baskin Robbins

that's also a dunkin' donuts.

They mix those two now?

It's a stoner's dream come true.

I tried to make our apartment look nice.

I even moved a chair to cover a stain,

but what was under the chair was so much worse.

I guess what I'm saying is, please don't shoot us.

Well, I don't expect it to look that good.

I mean, you can't put a silk hat on a pig.

And I know, 'cause I tried once.

[Gags]

[Gags]

Max! Oh, my god! What have you done?

I realized I don't like a strawberry center.

And I am not going to beat myself up about it.

When I told you to get crepe paper streamers

and decorate for the shower, i meant with pink, not black.

It's a wedding shower for Sophie,

not a baby shower for Rosemary's baby.

What? I told you, i don't do girl things.

Like hang pink or sit when I pee.

Which, coincidentally, i refer to as "hanging pink."

My god, what is that smell?

Something's really gone bad here.

Besides our lives.

It's the Polish food.

I think one of those sausages is made of old flip-flops.

[Knock at door]

Someone's here already?

Are Polish people always early?

Is that a stereotype i don't know about?

Oh my god!

A wedding shower for me?

I mean, if I had known, i would have dressed!

Sophie, you did know.

I know. I came down early to practice some entrances.

Now get ready for entrance number two.

Are you ever ready for entrance number two?

[Knock at door]

Who is it?

[Fakes weeping]

Oh my god!

I can't believe it.

Oh, it's the day of my wedding shower.

Could anything be more wonderful?

I was moved, i was surprised.

I liked it better than the book.

Now, come on in here and identify some of this

Polish food so I can know what I'm not eating tonight.

Oh, no. I'm not eating at my shower.

I'm pretending i have an eating disorder

so everyone will think that I have it all.

I think you're going to be happy.

I have lots of fun shower games,

starting with "who knows the most about Sophie?"

Oh, I'll win that one.

Yeah.

And Sophie's got to tinkle.

See? I'm a shoo-in.

Yeah. Oh. Oh, my gosh.

Black toilet paper.

Oh, nice touch, girls.

Yeah, I love the mystery of not knowing when you're done.

[Knock at door]

(Agent Drake) FBI! Open up!

The FBI? I don't think they rsvp'd.

Oh, that's got to be for me.

I didn't do it.

And just so you know, the statute of limitations is up

on that Newark thing.

I'm not here to arrest you, miss.

Great, it's me.

Max, I told you pirating movies was a real crime.

Now I'm going to jail for fifty shades of grey.

Someone should.

I hear you, not the Christian grey

I'd pictured.

I'm agent Drake with the FBI.

Nothing to get upset about, but there's a man in your building

who's been holding three women hostage

in his apartment for months.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Now, one of the captives escaped today

and alerted authorities.

Oh, that must have been the lady I passed

screaming in the hall.

What? There is a fine line between "hostage"

and "off your meds" in this building.

So, a SWAT team is going in

for the other two still upstairs.

But we need to evacuate the building first.

So let's go.

All right, can I just put a few things away first.

You know, because I want the place to look nice

if there's going to be police in here.

Look, miss, whatever drugs you're hiding in here,

I couldn't care less.

We need to get out now.

You know, you're just my type of guy.

You don't mind my drug use and you're already here.

Oh, yeah!

You girls ordered a cop stripper for my bridal shower?

Oh, here comes the bride all right! Yeah!

Come on. Yeah.

Yeah, see? Look, he likes me.

I cannot believe i live in this building

with a man who would do something so awful.

Also, cannot believe i live in this building.

You know who I think it is?

Smells like cats but has no cats.

Really? He doesn't seem like a go-getter.

I think it's three nipples no nose.

Three nipples no nose? He's a delight.

Sophie, isn't this upsetting?

It sure is.

I couldn't get that stripper cop to take his pants off.

Hey, look, there's some of my shower guests.

Oh, look.

And see? That one's my friend Natalya.

The one I told you about.

Yeah, there's all that extra skin.

Ew. You were not exaggerating.

She was born with all that skin.

She had a chip clip on her back

all through high school.

Yeah, I know that guy upstairs is a real bummer,

but you know what would help?

If I could open my presents.

Yeah.

(Sophie) Oh, no!

The fuzz isn't letting them through!

Oh, come on.

No fair, they just let a guy in here a few minutes ago.

Just 'cause your friends aren't bomb-sniffing dogs,

they can't get in? Boo!

Hey, look, ladies, pass your presents up to the cops.

Cops, pass my presents to me.

Wait, Sophie, before you open them,

I really want to write down who got you what.

And save that pretty ribbon, I'm gonna make you a bow hat!

Look at you.

Making lemonade out of a maniac

holding three innocent women hostage.

(Sophie) Oh, a gift card.

Oh, send it back.

Sophie, we would've taken that.

I don't know what is was for,

I just know that we would've taken it.

No, I'm sending it back.

I want a gift, not another errand.

Oh, yeah, not in love with the paper, but...

Well, I'll wait till i open it to judge.

(Maria) Hi. Excuse me.

Excuse me?

I'm Maria Alonso-Gonzalez.

Could you ladies talk to channel 2

about tonight's disturbing discovery?

- No. - Yes.

Just go with me and my business savvy.

Yes, Maria Alonso-Gonzalez, we can answer a few questions.

Were there any signs at all that something of this nature

was going on in your building?

We jut hope they bring this sick freak

in our building to justice so that we can return to work

at Max's homemade cupcakes.

(Maria) Get on the door. Here he comes.

Who is it? Who is this sick freak?

It's not me.

Is it?

I'm not sure, what are the charges?

Different sick freak.

Hey, rula, uma, Greta, look.

(Sophie) This is him.

This is the groom-to-be.

Forget about the guy upstairs,

this is the real maniac in the bedroom.

[Gasping]

That's him?

Beer belly gym shorts?

- Never would've guessed. - Oh, no.

(Caroline) He's wearing one of our shirts.

Why?

Why? Why is he wearing a medium?

Oh...

I mean, nobody's gonna see that.

(Maria) Police have just apprehended the suspect

and the question on everyone's mind is,

"what does Max's homemade cupcakes

have to do with this?"

We have no comment.

Or future, or deodorant.

So leave us alone!

How did they find out we work in this dump,

next door to the other dump?

As I'm saying it, i realize our career

is made up of two dumps.

Sounds like our career has been drinking too much coffee.

The story is all over the paper.

They're calling those ladies "the cupcake captives,"

calling that guy "the cupcake captor,"

and calling the whole thing "the cupcake catastrophe."

But you needn't worry about it reflecting badly

on your cupcake business.

Oh, no. It's even in the fashion section.

There's a picture of our shirts and it says,

"what not to wear, ever."

Okay. Everybody calm down.

I'm mostly talking to myself.

The media is just going to do its thing.

I've been slandered in the headlines before.

I was called "Ponzi Princess," "bankrupt Barbie."

Looking back, those were the best of times.

Oh, hello. I was just about to take a tray

of Max and Carolines out to my reporter friends.

Sorry, you can give those Max and Carolines

to this Max and Caroline.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, I'm depressed.

See, you can tell 'cause I'm only wearing half my hair.

Girls, I found this box outside your door.

And I was hoping it was a shower present.

Since those selfish hostage girls ruined my special day.

Oh, man. I didn't even get a freakin' ribbon hat.

Do you want the tube top i made out of the police tape?

I'm calling it a tape top.

Patent pending.

Come on, you guys.

This isn't about us.

We need to put this all in perspective.

We're all safe, and healthy, and...

Oh, my god, just when i can't take anymore,

here comes anymore.

"We are returning the remainder of your t-shirt stock.

"Our Rodney brand cannot be associated with a product

"at the center of an ongoing criminal investigation.

Consider our contract null and void."

This is so shocking.

Max, you can read?

So you just didn't want to tell people the specials.

I can't believe this.

We waited so long for something to happen

to our cupcake t-shirts.

Why that guy?

And on the one day he chooses to not wear

his "pull my finger" shirt.

(Maria) This is Maria Alonso-Gonzalez, reporting to you live...

Max, what are you doing? They'll see us.

- From Max's homemade cupcakes. - No they won't,

because call the cameras are on han right now.

Can you talk a little bit about the women

behind Max's homemade cupcakes?

Well, let's just say Max and Caroline

are allergic to work, much in the same way

dilbert is allergic to mondays.

[Laughs]

Moving on, Maria Alonso-Gonzalez,

would you care to come into the williamsburg diner,

6355 bedford Avenue,

open 8:00 A.M. till 2:00 A.M.,

for our signature drink: The cupcake captive cosmo?

And for you gents, the captive Cape Cod?

Hey, get these cupcakes out of the garbage.

I need to make room for han's body.

I'm keeping the head as a warning to others who cross us.

We need to take back our t-shirts' image

by setting up an interview with the news.

And by "we," I mean you.

Look, if I learned one thing from my time on cops,

it's that I can hop a fence in three seconds flat.

If I learned two things, it's that the camera

makes me look guilty.

Especially when it's a security camera at banana Republic.

I can't do it.

The world can't know that Caroline Channing

is involved in another high-profile crime.

And hasn't kept up her nail maintenance, like, at all.

Fine.

Because if I learned three things from cops,

it's that it's best to surrender early and not naked.

We really appreciate you taking the time to talk to us.

If you really want to thank me,

how about I get some pixels up over my grill?

I got some kids looking for me and they don't need the help.

We don't have the capability to do that.

This is live TV.

How about one of those voice distorting machines?

You know, make my voice sound like a fat transformer.

Um, no.

No problem.

I'll take care of that myself.

Been in this sitch before.

All right, in 3, 2...

Good evening. In williamsburg...

Max, I'm right here, if you need me.

I got this.

Now infamous in the shocking "cupcake captives" story.

I'm here with the owner, Max black.

[Distorted] Hi, Maria.

Max, how upset were you to see that Richard Griffin

was Max's homemade cupcakes' biggest fan?

[Distorted] I was really upset.

Okay, hi. Stepping in.

Max is clearly so upset by all this

that she's lost her mind.

The one time i really needed her, anyway.

Hi, Maria.

How will your company's reputation recover

from doing business with a man

who held three women in his apartment against their will?

Look, people do terrible things.

And they do them wearing shirts.

That doesn't make the shirt evil.

Now, if a shirt commits a crime, lock it up.

You'll get no argument from me.

[Distorted] Should I jump back in?

Okay, yeah. That's all the time we have.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

[Distorted] Thank you.

Caroline, thank you for trying to throw me a shower.

I mean, we were never really friends or close.

And yeah, I run away when i see you heading towards

the mailboxes the same time as me...

Please stop thanking me.

Hey. Want to come to our place?

Those pig feet haven't gone bad.

I guess. It's hard to tell.

Yeah. The best meat's under the toe nails.

Is it?

(All) Surprise.

[Shouting]

Oh, my god, what's all this?

Oh, no. I'm so surprised.

No, I really am this time.

- So am I. - Me, too.

Until this sausage, i thought the grossest thing

I'd ever eaten was Kale.

Oh, my god, I can't believe it.

Could anything be more wonderful?

[Laughs]

Max, I can't believe you did all this.

I thought you came home to do what you usually do

when you get depressed.

Get drunk and throw the finger at people from the stoop.

No stoop. But I am drunk.

You think I could've done this sober?

I just figured, with everything around us being so black lately,

I thought we needed a little pink.

You're right. We did.

'Cause our t-shirt business is over.

And we still have to pay off that bank loan. Now what?

We'll figure something out. We always do.

Hey, girls, come quick.

We're gonna play "guess Sophie's favorite sex position"

(all) Whoo!

It's on all fours, watching how to get away with murder.

See? I told you I was gonna win.

And it just got black again.

Yeah, real black.

This is wet!

Max, did you already eat this?

I told you, I don't like a strawberry center.

And I am not gonna beat myself up about it.