Original subtitles

Welcome to the williamsburg diner awards night!

And here's your host, Neil Patrick hairless!

This is the night where everyone is recognized

for their, well... Let's call it work.

Nice suit, han.

I loved you in the penguins of Madagascar.

Here we go. The award for

worst excuse for being late to work goes to...

Earl, for: "I died."

It was true.

I was dead for a full 60 seconds.

And the foreign film award goes to...

Oleg, for always being covered in a foreign film.

Yeah. I have so many bacteria to thank...

But a special shout-out to streptococcus!

And the winner for best lie told to get a bigger tip

goes to...

Good luck, girl.

It's an honor to share this category with you.

It's Max... For showing customers pictures

of her three small children on a regular basis.

Wow. Oh!

This award is dedicated to the lights of my life...

Maxine, Max Jr.,

and maxi-pad.

I know only one of you can see and hear me,

so please tell the others i... Love... You.

And the award for best waitress goes to...

It better not!

Caroline! No!

Well, I guess it's true... Women only win awards

when they take on roles that are humiliating.

And the best animated short goes to han Lee!

(peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

here's your menu.

I'll be right back with your water

and a stomach pump.

Keep it. I know what I want.

Me too. But it just seems like

Taylor swift is never going away.

You're funny. Yeah. I'm not in the mood for funny.

I will take tomato soup, house salad,

extra croutons. And you can charge me extra...

If you have no heart behind those gazongas.

It's cool. The guy at the counter

has no teeth, so you can have his.

Less funny... more salad. Right?

Maybe the blonde one should bring it.

Oh, you want her to bring it?

Maybe clear your calendar.

Uh, the lady in the booth doesn't like my attitude

and wants you, so I guess what I'm saying is

I still got it!

Wait, a customer asked for me and didn't follow it with,

"I'd also like to see the manager"?

That's a first for me!

Yo, blondie!

Croutons!

[Ding ding]

Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad.

And I'm also running a special on d batteries.

Buy both, and I'll thrown in this bootleg copy

of horrible bosses ii.

Here comes horrible bosses too small.

Need some new batteries to keep walking and talking?

No, Max, I'm not powered by double ds like you.

Preach.

Don't buy batteries from that guy

unless you want your heart to stop on the bus.

Oleg, this is supposed to have extra croutons.

It's for my regular.

Yeah, you heard me. It happened.

Oh, no, "extra croutons" is here again?

Make sure you charge her extra.

I'm not made of stale bread!

No, you're made of legos, right?

We are not charging her extra.

She looks like she can't afford it.

If she could, why would she be eating here?

Well, don't judge a book by its cover.

People look at me and... Think you're bad in bed?

What's your point?

For your information, Max, I'm not bad in bed.

In fact, I'm quite the stud in my sims community.

You wouldn't be a stud in a retirement community.

[Bell dings]

Hi! Here's your salad...

Uh... Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Uh, continue.

And I wanted to introduce myself.

I'm Caroline, you're regular waitress.

Ah.

Oh! My turn. Sorry.

I live alone, and my plants aren't this needy.

I'm Nola.

And this is Max. Max, this is Nola.

'Sup, Lola?

It's Nola.

See, this is why i like the blonde one.

She listens.

May I please have a cheesecake?

Sure. And thank you, Nola.

I think it's important to listen to people.

Coming right back with that cherry pie.

I'll tell her if she ever stops listening.

I think Nola knows I'm more than just a waitress.

She can see right through this uniform.

And so can I... In just the right light.

Close the door! Oh, my god!

Sophie, you scared me!

You're scared?

I just saw the expiration date on this milk!

Come on, close it, quick!

I'm in here hiding from Oleg.

If you wanna get away from Oleg,

just go anywhere they sell floss.

I think that Oleg is cheating on me.

Look. Oh, god!

Now she's gonna start whipping it out?

Look...

He has a second secret phone.

It's a boner phone.

You mean a burner phone.

Same thing.

Sophie, how do you know

he just doesn't use it for long distance or...

Or for the woman that I'm calling right now?

Oh, put her on speaker.

I've nothing else to do. I'm at work.

(Woman) Da? Oleg?

[Grunts hoarsely] Uh... Ah...

(Woman) Oleg?

[Hoarsely] Uhh... Ah!

That... Is a terrible Oleg.

He is not that articulate.

[Woman speaking in Russian]

Hah! That old whore!

What did she say?

I have no idea!

I don't speak Russian, but...

I do speak "old whore."

Tell me, what is his problem?

He has a sweet, young filly like me at home

and he needs to go out and plow

some old Russian field?

Well... I'd ask what you three are doing in here,

but it's never gonna top

what I'm imagining you're doing in here.

I can't believe Nola didn't come in tonight.

This is exactly what happened with my Starbucks barista guy.

One minute, he's suggestively arranging the bananas at me,

and then next minute, he's face-down,

dead in a puddle of soy milk.

Max, what if something happened to her?

More croutons for us!

She said, "I'll see you tomorrow."

That doesn't mean anything. It's just an expression

like, "employees must wash hands."

Or... Or, "the baby is yours."

Hey, everybody!

Oh, Sophie, it's just you.

You're poor!

And now we're even.

Look, I stole it again. Where's Oleg?

I'll tell you where he's not...

Culinary school.

He's on break.

Oh, she's gonna be sorry!

Oh... No one comes between Sophie and her man.

You know... Unless we pay them to.

Couple things...

A... does anyone ever work here?

Caroline, stop worrying. Extra croutons is fine.

She just called to order some diner food to be delivered.

Oh! So she wants to die at home.

I said we don't do deliveries.

I told her you two can barely get the food

from the window to the tables!

Max, I had to stop by

and bring Nola her salad and croutons.

I mean, she's kind of my biggest fan right now.

True...'Cause you just lost me.

I know you think this is crazy,

but there's something about the way Nola looks at me.

It's like she's seeing something in me.

The woman wears two pairs of glasses.

To her, you're just a chatty yellow and orange blur.

I was told you didn't deliver.

By who, her old boyfriends?

Are you two gonna kill me or something?

Because if you are,

I would like to put on a different hat.

No, no, no. She got worried.

See, you're her first regular.

I'm just here for the story.

I figured there'd be something freaky behind this door

like a 50-foot python and what's left of the ups guy.

And Earl guessed you were a man.

No man.

No, just me in here with my vagina and my photographs.

Oh! You're a photographer?

I love photography!

And I love privacy.

And I love pot.

Oh, I thought we were going around.

Come on. You better come in too.

You're the yin to her yap.

Hey, careful where you step.

I can't find my third pair of glasses.

It's on top of your hat. No, that's my fourth pair.

Hey!

This is Billy the bum!

He used to live in a box around the corner from my apartment.

He even let me stay over once

when I had to get away from this bad roommate.

Oh, the one before me? No, it was you.

You two are a riot together.

You remind me of me and my old photographer friend

Annie leibovitz.

Course, this was before...

Before she got famous?

No. Before she hit on me.

I told her i wasn't into girls.

But... I think she was confused by the derby.

Yeah. I think we're all a little confused by it.

Nola, I want to ask you if you've ever had any success,

but I don't know how to do that without insulting you.

That's correct. You don't.

Oh! You're having a gallery show in soho?

Good-bye.

Uh, it was nice of you two

to, uh, come over, check on me.

Uh... Weird, but nice.

Perhaps we could come to the opening.

Oh. Oh, you don't need to do that.

I know we don't need to,

but maybe I want to support you and your amazing work.

And Max would enjoy. The free wine. Yes, I would.

[Laughs] No.

Oh, I would.

No as in, "no, don't come."

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I wanna eat my croutons

without the vaudeville stylings

of shecky and nosy.

Here.

Oh, yeah, good. I was looking for this.

I can't believe you're doing all this

for a diner regular.

I haven't seen you this desperate since Monday,

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I know... on the weekends, i just give up.

Look that title!

"The great unwashed."

Are Oleg's balls here?

Max, it's the "art scene."

Class it up. At least say testicles.

Evening, ladies.

Earl, what are you doing here?

And, han, your sweater's eating your head.

I'm here for the champagne

and because I couldn't find my way out.

I just walked into a picture of a door.

Some of these are going for thousands of dollars!

That Nola bitch is rich, and I bet she has

a frigging summer house made out of my free croutons!

Han, it's the art scene. Class it up.

At least say "freaking." Also, "testicles."

Well, I'm not wasting this new turtleneck on you two.

I'm going to go mingle.

A high fashion model was giving me the eye.

Then she'd have to be high.

Uh, han, I believe I'll stay here.

Nobody wins with a teenage mutant ninja turtle

as a wingman.

Oh, hey, everybody.

Hey, Sophie. Hey, Oleg.

So can I class it back down now?

Sorry we're late. I was just over there

admiring the photo of the happy couple under the bridge.

Happy couple? Sophie, they're two junkies

sharing a needle.

Yeah, well,

at least the lady junkie knows where his needle's been.

I don't even think she knows her name.

Well, she knows more than she's letting on.

She knows everything.

Hey, you guys have been here a while.

Where's the best place to steal some food?

Max! Sorry, sorry.

Classing it up: Testicles some food?

Oh, Max, I can tell by your sassy demeanor

you haven't seen your photo yet.

What photo? I haven't bounced any checks here.

Yep, that's me, all right.

I recognize that "i don't care" pout

and the thousand island dressing in my hair.

Max, just because you're hanging on a wall

among the poorest, most lost souls in our city

doesn't mean that your life is...

I'm hanging right behind me, aren't I?

Oh, my god!

It could be worse. You could be naked.

This is worse than being naked!

I'm wearing polyester!

It's bad enough I'm a waitress in Brooklyn.

Now I'm a waitress in Manhattan,

and these guys didn't even tip!

No, no, no, it's a photograph,

so it's more symbolic.

It's called "waitress"

and I'm holding a check pad.

What do all these blue dots mean?

Is my picture in trouble?

That's how many times your print has been purchased.

Over here, Max, away from that

pathetic blonde lady in the waitress uniform.

Will you relax? No one even recognized you.

No one? What about that art critic

who said that "my smile on the photo

"was a study of tragic, foolish optimism

in a hopeless, dead-end life"?

Oh, him.

"Hopeless, dead-end life"?

And then worse, no one buys me?

I'm not even a success as a failure?

You're totally a success as a failure.

Then where are all the blue dots, Max?

15 people bought you.

Whatever you do, don't turn around.

Look at these dots!

I am going home with all these people...

Men, women, black, white.

It's like a key party at Joe namath's house

in the '70s.

Hey, shecky!

Why are you putting a dot by your friend's photo?

Uh, how many extra croutons can you buy

with the buttload of money you're making from these photos?

A buttload. Okay, okay.

I get it, you're mad. Tell you what.

I will give you a free print of your photo.

Look, keep the photo.

I don't want a picture of me marrying ketchups.

I don't want a picture of me marrying anybody.

But you can pay me back another way.

I told you, I'm not a lesbian.

I just wear hats.

Your friend says you hate your photo.

No.

I enjoy being secretly photographed

while I'm stealing someone extra, extra croutons.

For the record,

I never saw your smile as foolish.

I saw it as, uh...

Just a little big.

Uh... I'm trying to pay you a compliment.

Well, you failed.

All this time, when you looked at me,

I thought you saw something special,

but all you really saw was someone reading the specials.

I have a question for you.

Okay, fine. I wear the derby

because I have a little bit of a bald spot.

Why didn't I sell?

The picture sucks.

One of my worst.

If you're still trying to give me a compliment,

you're still failing.

Look, a good photograph

captures the truth.

And I guess no one really believes

you as a waitress.

That is the single nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

So it's not where you wanna be... i get it.

Look, it's taken me 50 years to be where I am.

And you are still so young.

That is the second-nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me!

The road is long, and trust me,

it can be really hard.

So whatever you do,

you hold on to that foolishly hopeful smile.

And... Your funny friend.

Yes? Yes.

Uh, everyone, tonight we are witness

to the amazing work

of Nola anderz.

[Applause]

Why don't we all just stand here quietly

for a moment and let Nola's pictures speak.

[Cell phone ringing]

That's my phone. Where is it?

[Ringing]

Baby, why is my phone in your bra?

Shh, please!

It's your secret phone! I know all about it.

[Ringing] You took it? Give it to me.

Who is she, Oleg? Who is this skanky old whore?

Security! Security!

What... no, no, no! Stop, stop... she has my phone.

It's his boner phone, everybody!

It's his boner phone!

And you had the testicles to think

I was gonna embarrass you.

Hey, Sophie.

Hey, girls.

Did you hear that?

It sounds a little bit like... I don't know.

The sound of cheating.

You guys haven't made up yet?

Don't make up here.

No. I slept on the couch.

I missed her so much, i watched a romcom

while eating a whole box of her edible underwear.

Still not talking to me, Sophie?

For the last time, there's nobody else but you.

I use that phone... Yes?

To... Go on.

I use it to call... Cut to the chase!

My mother.

Is there no one he won't sleep with?

I didn't tell you because

I didn't want you to think i was a mama's boy.

Except when we play "mama and boy."

Well...

I'll tell you what I told that girl

at the yankee candle store.

"I'm not buyin' it!"

It's true, Sophie.

I'm afraid I'm... Losing my hair.

Oh... Oleg.

But don't you know...

I mean, you could be balder than Jeremy piven was

15 years ago, and I'd still love ya.

[Phone ringing]

Where's my... [Ringing]

Busted.

Caroline, i have something for you.

I'm not signing another one of those

giant birthday cards again.

It's my picture.

Great. Now I have two of you that don't wait on tables.

"Thanks for the croutons. Nola."

Max, where are we gonna hang me?

Maybe you should hang yourself in the bathroom

like I thought you would three years ago.

Yep. I lost $20 on that bet.

You know, Max,

maybe I have to stop running away from this part of my life

and embrace it, see it as part of my journey,

my... Beautiful, exciting journey.

If you don't shut up, I'm gonna hang you right here.

[Cha-ching]