Original subtitles

Here's your check, Mr. zz and Mr. top.

Would you like a to-go box,

or are you just gonna put it in your beard

with the rest of your sandwich?

We're in a beard-growing contest.

They happen all over the country.

It's a pretty big deal.

What's first prize?

Blindfold for your girlfriends?

I'm kidding, I know you don't have girlfriends.

Actually, this level of hair-art

takes months of hard work and commitment.

Well, quack, quack, duck dynasty.

My left armpit could beat you both.

Let me tell you something on behalf of women everywhere.

We. Don't. Like. Beards.

Caroline? Beards?

(Caroline) I never liked being one.

Ladies, if his name is trace, get the hell out of there.

See? So, shave losers.

If you're chinless or chin-plentiful,

it's better than what you've got going on.

There's your tip, be generous with mine.

You actually insult people and then expect them

to give you money?

That's how it works with you and me.

(peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

thanks.

Everyone's loving our new cupcake t-shirts.

I've sold four in the last hour.

Three more and we can afford that towel we've had our eye on.

These t-shirts keep selling.

That means more money.

Mo' means mo' success.

Mo' success?

I think I dated his cousin, les.

Hey, everybody.

Mind if I stop for a breather?

I've been "briding" my ass off.

Sophie, are those all your bridal magazines?

That's only half.

Come on, Oleg!

Look, if those are too heavy, how are you going to be able

to push the wedding donkey down the aisle?

Wedding donkey?

My excitement level for this wedding just skyrocketed.

Relax, Sophie.

If I know how to do anything, it's how to move an ass.

That's true. Yeah.

Wow, you're carrying more heavy issues than Amanda bynes.

Look at all these. Beautiful bride,

modern bride, city bride?

And do you really need African American bride?

Well, I haven't ruled out cornrows.

Cornrows and a donkey?

Rsvp yes.

Oh, yeah.

This one's hot.

Save that one for later.

Oh, I forgot I'm getting married.

Keep her.

I might need a Tuesday off.

Sophie, why don't you get some help from your maid of honor?

I will kill you.

Or a wedding planner?

Oh, Sophie, my cousin, Svetlana, is a wedding planner.

Okay, but she better be good.

Because I want everything to be perfect on my big day.

Our big day.

Yeah. Sure.

I can't believe this.

They're getting married and i don't have a wedding donkey

anywhere on my horizon.

OMG, you sell these t-shirts?

I just bought one.

Did I jut sell you that shirt and already forgot?

I knew that nine-cent deodorant

was going to give me brain lesions.

Well, the label did have a picture of a brain

with "no bueno" written on it.

No, I bought it at a store in Manhattan

on east ninth and Broadway.

I know because I'm ocd and it was 67 steps

and 14 sidewalk cracks from the corner.

Max, someone else is selling our shirts.

I know.

We're getting hosed by some other hoes.

I can't believe they stole our shirt.

The one thing we made that people actually wanted to buy.

I feel like MySpace.

I haven't seen anything this upsetting in a window

since that time I accidentally caught a reflection

of myself in my waitress uniform.

We need to talk to someone

about those damn shirts you jacked.

We about to rumble.

What she means is, we wish to speak to someone

about the adorable cupcake t-shirts in the window.

Or, we will be about to rumble.

I'm just working here till I get my phd

in the eco-social dynamics of western civilization.

So, forever?

Those t-shirts are our design

and we need to know why they're here

and who knocked them off.

It's the granddaughter of the woman who owns this shop.

She's kind of a monster and she's walking in right now.

Hi, kemberly and ashlin.

These ladies are interested in your t-shirts.

Aren't they cute?

So cute.

Yeah, super cute.

We designed them.

Yeah, we designed them.

What?

Yeah, what?

Ashlin and Kimberly, is it?

It's kemberly, with an "e."

I changed it myself 'cause I'm original.

Yeah, she's an original.

You know what's not original?

Those shirts. You stole them from us.

We did not steal your idea.

Yeah, we did not steal your idea.

We copied it from this lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn.

Wait a minute...

We have a lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn.

Ashlin, you talk too much.

This is why everyone knows about my lap-band.

I think they know about it because you lost 200 pounds

over spring break.

It's hard to believe she was once twice this obnoxious.

If you don't stop selling our t-shirts,

we're gonna have to get our lawyer involved.

Yeah, we're gonna have to get our lawyer involved.

And he's gonna kill you.

I don't know what lawyers do.

We're totally not doing this for us.

We're rich.

Yeah, we're rich.

A percentage of every shirt that we sell goes to charity.

Yeah, it goes to charity.

We are the charity that it needs to go to.

You're old and desperate for money.

And I totally get it.

My aunt's one of the real housewives of New York.

But, sorry.

It's the one without the leg.

What just happened here?

That girl just called you old.

Earl, I don't think I'm going to be buying you that pinky ring

you wanted any time soon.

No rush Max, you got plenty of time.

I got like, six or seven months before I turn to dust.

It's 'cause our t-shirts got ripped off

by a couple of prep school girls in Manhattan.

It's like a bad 80's movie.

I don't know whether to date James spader

or teach this town how to dance.

This is so unfair.

Those girls can't just steal from us.

This isn't 7-Eleven.

Max, I can't believe your naiveté.

What does my body spray have to do with anything?

Look, there is no reason to be so upset

about those two girls.

They're not going to affect our business.

Plus, they have to live with themselves.

And Karma is a bitch.

I mean, I littered once and look what happened to me.

Hey, everybody.

I'm up to my nuts in bridal junk.

[Bell dings]

There she is.

The love of my life.

The yin to my Yang.

The zing to my wang.

Save that gold for the vows.

I am Svetlana, Oleg's cousin.

Well, darling, it could be worse.

You could be his sister.

Svetty!

And you must be Sophie.

Yeah.

No.

But you haven't even heard any ideas.

Caroline.

Sophie, why did you just say my name?

Oh, it's Oleg's and my safe word.

Yeah. It means no.

It's the one word we both agreed we would never say during sex.

Are you sure?

Because I give free oil change with every wedding.

Caroline.

All right, well, I'll be in my booth.

You know, this wedding planner thing is as crappy as the movie

of the same name.

Girls, I forgot to tell you,

a man came by today with this letter for you.

This reminds me of when i was a young, hot-shot courier.

I was a young, hot-shot courier once, too.

I used to deliver drugs to my mother at work on my tricycle.

Oh, my god, Max, you're not gonna believe this,

but those two girls have issued a cease and desist order.

Those bitches.

What's that?

They're saying we have to stop selling our t-shirts.

That's what I told them we were going to do.

They even copied this idea.

We need to get a lawyer.

How? We can't even afford law & order on iTunes.

Hey, do you think we could afford that lawyer

on the subway billboards?

The one who has a gavel in one hand and a chicken in the other?

I think he just does acidentes.

What is going on here?

There's food waiting in the window,

periodicals strewn about.

Someone's on his periodical.

Han, we just got served.

At least someone in the diner has.

You're lucky your boss is so chill.

Of course you're chill, you're one of Mr. popper's penguins.

How about this?

We'll do the jobs you already pay us for

if you agree to pretend to be our lawyer.

You have a suit, right?

Why would I pretend to be a lawyer?

You can't even pretend to be waitresses.

No one's gonna believe han's our lawyer, anyway.

He can't pass the bar, he can barely see over one.

That's it! I've had it with you two and your non-work ethic.

And this area is for customers.

I want these out of here!

(Max) Ow!

Uh-oh.

Max?

I suppose I could dig up a suit if that could, somehow,

make this boss striking his employee thing go away.

Max, of course these girls go to dalby hall,

all my archenemies did.

I guess lady gaga won in the end, though.

In other news, i kind of like this eye-patch.

I know you do, you were pretending to be

the pirate queen of the subway.

Well, no one arrrrrgued with us.

How long did the eye doctor say you have to keep it on?

And by eye doctor, I mean that first-year med student

we gave the free dessert to.

A few days, which is a bummer, 'cause only seeing half

of how sad we are is kind of a blessing.

How are we gonna find them?

Follow the scent of our decaying t-shirts business?

According to instagram, they're in the cafeteria, see?

Ashlin just posted a pic of a mini-pizza.

♪ Thatpizzalife

they have mini-pizzas here?

My high school didn't even have heat.

Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up a suit

at the men's warehouse.

Don't you mean the not quite a man's warehouse?

Han, I love your lawyer costume. So authentic.

Only thing missing is the hole where your soul should be.

Well, as I always say, if you're going to do something...

Do it with your left hand so it will feel like someone else?

No, if you're going to do something, do it right.

Last Halloween, I went as sprout from the green giant commercial

and I even put pea pods over my pee-pee.

You laugh, but I won $500.

Okay, I created my own cease and desist order.

Where did you get this?

Same place Max printed out that fake,

"i don't have herpes" doctor certificate.

It works.

And here's your business card.

Where? Where is it?

I can't see.

Here. And han, I hope you're a better actor than Max.

Dwayne "the rock" Johnson is a better actor than Max.

Mr. lu su?

That's what you came up with?

Mr. lu su?

Well, you're a lawyer, so the "su" part is totally on point.

But lu su?

No Asian was ever named that.

Maybe not in this galaxy,

but might I remind you of a Mr. sulu.

Oh, yeah. I mixed it up. Genius!

Han, you don't have to use the cards.

I can make it work.

Two halloweens ago, i was an ewok

and turned an orange bath-towel into a turban.

Second place. $250.

And next Halloween, you can wear that

and goes as a lesbian minister.

Okay, so the plan is, we go in there

and calmly confront them with our attorney.

I'll do the talking.

Han, you stand there and try to look smart.

Ah. I'm already Asian. So, done.

[Indistinct chatter]

Wow, this brings me back.

I had a seat at the popular table, the debate team table,

the student council table,

and the waiting for marriage table.

But that table kind of fell apart

when everybody got pregnant but me.

I ate in the school parking lot with a wino.

He was so nice to me, i thought he might be my dad.

But then he never made a move on me,

so I guess he wasn't.

(Kemberly) Attention everyone, attention.

Yeah, attention everyone, attention.

Ashlin and I are here today to sell our t-shirts

and to talk about bullying and how it's not cool.

It's so not cool.

I was talking, ash.

Yeah, she was talking.

Their charity is bullying?

That's like kanye west trying to raise money for laying low.

A $3 donation will be made to our anti-bullying fund

with each purchase of one of our super, super cute tees.

Super, super cute tees.

My super cute tee!

Best idea I ever had.

Right up there with the bong with a chin strap

so you could be hands-free to change the channel.

So buy a shirt right now and then we'll be back later

for the rest of the anti-bully talk.

Yeah, buy them or my dad won't pay

for the lacrosse equipment this year.

Let's go. They are making a fortune on us.

And if I'm gonna get screwed, it better be by someone over 21

yeah, that sounds like a job with a two drink minimum.

Han, don't mess this up or you'll be eating those glasses.

Might I interest you in an anti-bullying pamphlet?

Might I interest you in a seat on my finger?

Hey, how did you two get in here?

The school pays guards out front to keep out the homeless.

Yeah, well, jokes on you.

'Cause they just let us walk in.

Hello, girls. You can "cease and desist"

selling our t-shirts as of now.

This is our attorney, Mr....

Lu su.

And he is holding our cease and desist

to counter your cease and desist.

Okay, well, first, your lawyer looks like a teacher

on a Disney show.

Is that a bad thing?

And if you have anything further to say,

you can take it up with my lawyer. Her dad.

And he's real good.

He got that ceo guy who admitted he killed his whole family

out on a technicality.

I forgot how mean girls can be.

How? I'm your roommate.

Thank you, kemberly. Thank you, ashlin.

A little help.

Hello, girls, you all look very nice.

What is he doing?

Hopefully a tight ten and then he'll bring up the headliner.

This may be hard to believe, looking at me

in this totally awesome suit,

but I know a little something about being bullied.

As a little child...

And as a slightly bigger adult.

Seriously? In the middle of his bullying speech, your bullying?

Kind of surprised even myself.

I have someone who bullies me.

Okay, let's get out of here while I can.

It's not just the hitting and the name-calling.

Although, not gonna lie, that's a real bummer.

You see, girls, the bad thing about being bullied

is that every time it happens, it steals a little piece

of who you are.

And then, if it happens enough, little by little,

you become just a little less of who you were meant to be.

And that's not cool.

And these two girls up here, without knowing it, I'm sure,

stole a little piece of Max and Caroline.

When they stole their little idea.

And that's so not cool.

Yeah, that's so not cool.

Max, Caroline, we'll stop making the shirts.

Ash, I never said that.

Ah, no, kemberly. I did.

And I liked you more before the lap-band.

When you were still Kimberly with an "i."

[Gasping]

[Cheering]

Max, did han just save us?

I wasn't listening, i was putting mini-pizzas

in my pocket.

Girls, your shift started 40 minutes ago.

What are you doing here so early?

Earl, good news. We are now the sole owners

of all those cupcake t-shirts.

And, literally, nothing else.

Maybe I could rent a parrot and pick up some shifts

at long John silver's.

Hey, girls.

I'm about to meet another wedding planner.

And this one's gonna be good!

He's gay.

Sophie kuchenski?

Yes, god!

From the second I walked in here, I said to myself,

"that has to be her." And I can see it.

We're going to make magic together.

Yeah, what's gay for no?

Okay.

Wow, I think we just survived a "torgaydo."

Where am I gonna find another gay wedding planner

in New York now?

Just throw a tantrum in a crate & barrel,

and five of them will come running.

Hey, nice legal work today.

You should be on the little people's court.

Yeah, from now on, I'm calling you "hanny Cochran."

Okay. Next time you want to thank me,

just send me an edible arrangement.

I don't know many times i have to drop that hint.

But that's just, like, a two-inch drop.

Sorry. I can't help myself.

But I'm going to try because i know I was the bully

you were talking about in that speech.

What? I was talking about the doorwoman in my building.

I have to submit to a purple-nurple

just to get my mail.

There's another woman?

Max, I think han has a side bully.

Well, I'll just have to try harder.

Because if anyone is gonna mercilessly nurple you

into an early grave, it's got to be me.

I'd like to think so, Max.

You'd also like to ride in a car facing forwards.

Back to normal.