Original subtitles

Max, thanks for agreeing to get in the spirit

and do holiday cupcakes.

So much better than last year when you go so drunk

you turned the 12 days of Christmas

into the 12 steps of Christmas.

Yeah, well, I finally gave in.

Christmas is like herpes.

No matter what you do,

it's gonna flare up once a year.

Oh, you made a feliz navidad cupcake.

I'm muy proud of you.

And I think we're going to make muy mucho moolah

when Manuel comes manana.

You're the only person I know

who seems whiter speaking Spanish.

Feliz navidad for our Spanish speaking friends.

And for kids raised like me, feliz "he's-not-your-dad."

And then, "joy to the world" for the normals,

and for the hipsters, "joint to the world."

For the kids, "frosty the snowman." Aww.

And for you, "frosty with no man."

Well, I didn't see Jack frost nipping at your nips either.

Oh, here, this one's my favorite,

"Santa claus is coming"...

Max, stop right there.

No, that was it. He's coming.

(peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

Earl, change please.

"Earl, change please."

A phrase I heard from both my ex-wives.

Wow, you have more Christmas cards

than Oscar pistorius had excuses.

What can I say, Max? I spread a lot of goodwill.

It's also where I get all of my shirts.

Here you go. Have a nice holiday.

My two kids love this time of year.

And next Christmas, there will be three.

It's a boy.

My husband was so happy when i called him in Afghanistan.

Man, this time of year people are easier

than a fat girl in a tube top.

Oh, great. We can use this money

to order more of our cupcake t-shirts.

No, we are using that to buy people Christmas gifts.

I was really looking forward to giving someone something

that wouldn't require the follow-up penicillin shot.

We need more shirts. These are really selling.

The guy at table four said it's the perfect gift

for a girl you're not in love with, just strictly banging.

He bought three. Well...

I happen to know for a fact

that everyone here's getting us stuff.

Han came in with a small package today

and also he was carrying a gift bag.

We'll find some money for the gifts.

People aren't expecting anything big.

Happy holidays.

People just got the nothing big they were expecting.

Gather, please. I have a very special gift

for all my diner employees.

Health insurance?

Come on, it's christmastime, not crazy time.

It's art. It's a one of a kind silk screen.

I did it by hand.

I figured that's how you always have to do it.

Han, it's the diner. This is amazing.

Open the door. I put something behind it

that reminds me of each of you.

Mine has Sophie.

Mine has a saxophone.

Mine has a cupcake.

Mine has a chainsaw.

[Imitates chainsaw]

Hey, everybody!

Holiday shopping tip:

Fill a Starbucks cup with vodka.

Also good for waitressing.

Sophie, were you Christmas shopping?

(Sophie) Oh, you know I was!

Power strips!

Oh good. You got surge protectors.

Wow, that's the first time protection's

ever been used in your apartment.

Well, my Christmas village needs 75,000 watts.

And that's just to work my candy cane helicopter.

Sophie's been so busy

with the Polish society decorating contest.

We haven't had sex in days.

Well, I got to beat my Nemesis, felka bobenski.

She wins every year.

She's like the modern family of Christmas decorations

you know who's having a blue Christmas this year?

My balls.

I love this city at the holidays.

Yeah, the urine's all frozen

so you can't really smell it.

Manhattan is the best place to buy quality Christmas gifts.

We have 40 bucks.

Now, where are those duffel bags

full of stolen electronics sold for half the price

by Nairobi refugees?

Well, we better find them soon

or I'm going to give up and go to radio shack

like everyone else who goes to radio shack.

[Gasps] Oh my god, Max.

My childhood bank.

You had a childhood bank?

I didn't even have a childhood.

Come on, let's go. I stop in every few months

to get caught on the security cameras,

so people will think I'm still in the mix.

Trying to get caught on security cameras?

Whoa, we are different.

Yeah, we'll just go in and while we're in here,

well, I don't know, ask for a business loan.

We are not getting a business loan!

You tricked me into coming to the city.

At least knock me out and put me in the trunk like a person.

Okay, I hear you. No loan.

But can we at least go in there

so I can get a hit off some vault fumes

and a complimentary Christmas cocoa?

Yeah, I want one too.

It's so cold out here my bra is suing my nipples for assault.

I'd say we ask for $15,000.

So close I almost smelled 100.

What is with you?

If I wanted you to keep lying to me,

I'd date you.

Max, we need more capital

so we can buy our shirts in bulk,

and then, if we work even harder,

we can double our profit.

Okay, we won't pass even the credit check.

According to my social security number,

I died in a boat explosion years ago.

This is the time to apply.

Bankers have more guilt at christmastime

because of it's a wonderful life.

And also 'cause they're Jewish.

I'm the one with the business degree,

and you have to trust me on this.

You know what? You're right.

You're the business genius. What do I know?

Let's go get that loan.

Thank you!

Yeah, I should have known that was too good to be true.

Max, come on.

The bank's there. Our shirt's in here.

Let's just go in, show them, and apply for that loan.

Please! No.

Please! No.

Please! No.

And that right there was a little something

called "us asking for a bank loan."

Now let's go.

I'm not leaving here until you tell me

what the underlying issue is.

I'm not in love with you anymore.

Max, be serious.

This whole t-shirt was your idea.

What's the real problem?

That's the problem.

Those shirts were my idea

and nothing that comes from me is worth $15,000.

Aside from that baby i sold on e-baby.

Max, I know these t-shirts are a money-maker.

Oh, I have a money-maker and that's not it.

I can prove it.

Look, this is Rodney,

my childhood over-priced clothing store.

If I had known we were going on the childhood tour today,

I would have worn more comfortable shoes

and stayed home.

See the shirt on the mannequin?

At least $200.

And there's no reason we can't sell ours for just as much.

I'll show you. Follow me.

Oh, okay, I will. But not on instagram,

'cause you're out of control.

This place is fancy

and I've been to the new port authority in Newark.

Just trust me, okay?

You need to jump on those wang pumps

or like Ben affleck, they will be "gone, girl."

Let me do the talking. I speak his language.

And what language is that? Portu-gays?

Hello, ladies. Welcome to Rodney.

I'm Barry.

Doing a little holiday shopping?

We're not allowed to say Christmas.

As a matter of fact, we're doing a little holiday selling.

Oh, you're "selling." Yeah.

Got it. Molly? Coke?

Not that I'm interested.

I've been clean since fire island 2010.

And 2012.

It must be hard to not be high and be you.

Because it's hard for me

to just be near you and not be high.

Yeah, you get it, girl.

Actually, we wanted to see if you'd be interested

in selling one of our fabulous graphic t-shirts.

Oh, n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n... All sorts of "no," okay?

As much as I love a fez, a caftan, and a teenage boy,

this isn't Morocco.

That's a really long and boring version of "no."

It's like you just did "no! The one woman show."

Here's our t-shirt... Look.

I'll tell you two what i said to a young Marc Jacobs.

Stop offering, I'm off the junk.

Merry holiday.

I'll show Mary a holiday.

Our shirts are just as good as these.

He just needs to see it.

Here, hold this.

What are you? American psycho?

As soon as someone says "no" to you,

you start dismembering women.

I can't get her shirt off.

Tell her she can spend the night

and you'll buy her a waffle in the morning.

Okay, hand me our shirt.

I think this is gonna be big for us.

You also think Michael buble rocks.

Oh, I have to hurry. Barry is coming.

Barry is coming.

I'm guessing mostly with strangers.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Ser-i-ous-ly?

So cute.

And look on the back, "cream filled."

Funny.

People will think i have a personality.

Barry, put this with my other stuff.

How much? 300.

Forget the sober story. That guy is high.

I'll take ten.

They'll make great hanukkah gifts

for my friends who don't hate their arms.

All our shirts just got bought by a rich dead lady.

I'll need 30 more by Friday.

Yes, I'm still holding.

I need to place a rush t-shirt order.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't put me on hold again.

I've been through seven rounds of

grandma got run over by a reindeer.

And she just got run over again.

Now that we have all this crazy gay t-shirt money,

I think we should up the prices on these gifts.

So we agree, we're getting Earl a car.

Sophie is getting the country house

with the lake she's always wanted.

Max, Rodney is selling our shirts for 300,

but we only get 25 of that.

And you can't buy a house for $750.

It's not Detroit.

Yes, hi, hi, hi. Finally a person.

I need 50 t-shirts by Friday.

But your business card says you guarantee next-day delivery.

Oh, you can't "guarantee" that guarantee?

Okay, now Oleg.

What do you get a man who has nothing,

but shows you everything?

What do you mean "is there anything else

you can help me with?" When did you help me at all?

And I'm beginning to think if grandma works for you,

she didn't get run over by that reindeer,

she threw herself under a sleigh.

So, Sophie's getting a snapple.

Like last year.

Max, we can't give up. We can do them ourselves.

We just need someone else to do them.

Come on, let's go.

There are customers who have been here

since Robin thicke was relevant.

Wait a minute, han. You silk-screened all those

beautiful cards. You have an artistic side.

Yeah, but no backside.

And a front side that shouldn't be allowed outside.

[Imitates chainsaw]

Why is this taking so long?

You did all those Christmas cards.

Aren't small creatures supposed to be fast?

Truth be told, those were supposed to be ready last year.

But, what was the rush? You two weren't going anywhere.

Han, just a simple "yes" or "no".

No judgment.

Have you had sex with this machine?

The only thing worse than you two working for me

is me working for you.

You haven't even given me water.

Water is for closers.

By "closers," I mean people who actually make clothes.

[Knock on door]

Who's that?

Han, did you call child protective service on us?

'Cause those bruises could be from anyone.

Han, you've only made one shirt in two hours.

And it's a masterpiece. Do you want one citizen Kane

or 30 here comes the booms?

Guys, I need your help.

Sophie's right behind me and needs some cheering up.

I haven't seen her this depressed

since she woke up mid-coitus last night.

Hi.

Hi. Hi, girls.

Merry Christmas.

Quick question:

If I were to turn on that oven and close all the windows,

would I die?

Nope.

Otherwise I wouldn't be standing here

next to Kim jong-only-done-one.

Sophie, what's the problem?

Tell han while he gets back to work.

And han, pick up the pace

or I'm going to start the pinching again.

I'm gonna lose the Christmas decorating contest.

Oh, I have nothing to live for.

Oh, Caroline, this is probably how you feel every day.

Sophie's competition made a live-action

north pole workshop in front of her house.

Well, all I got upstairs is a light-up nativity

and $25,000 worth of target Christmas decorations.

She blew five fuses last night.

I never thought I'd be jealous of a fuse.

Sophie, we really can't get into this now.

We are way behind with these t-shirts.

And these t-shirts are a once in a lifetime

ow! Chance for us to go to a new place with our business.

Oh yeah, i hear you, girls.

I mean, what am I doing here sitting worrying about

some silly contest?

It's Christmas.

Come on everybody.

We should all be helping the girls.

Really? That would be so amazing.

Sure! And you wouldn't even have to pay me back

by letting me use your barn and your horse tomorrow night

for a live nativity scene, which you would all have to be in.

Or something like that.

I think we just had a seasonal shake-down.

Han's doing the last one. We're gonna make it.

I can't believe you're in such a good mood with that beard.

Last week when you found those two chin hairs,

you weren't so chipper.

I'm just so happy i have new clothes.

Okay, final shirt.

Then I get you two out of my angel hair.

Han, you know, if it weren't for you,

we would have never gotten this done.

You really are a little angel.

Yeah, you are. But I'm still surprised

you weren't cast as the baby.

Oh, I was asked, but I declined.

I spent ten year getting out of diapers.

I'm not getting back in.

Han, for your Christmas gift,

I'll pretend i never heard that.

Places everybody.

The judges are coming. I'm ready.

Joseph's ready. Cabbage patch Christ is ready.

Come on!

What's with the cleavage?

I know.

She's like the not-so-virgin Mary.

Angel, Shepherd, lady with the beard,

come on, get in the stable.

Stable?

The way we look it should be an "unstable."

- Everybody ready? I'm going to open the barn door.

Okay. Yeah, I think your barn door's

already a little open.

Okay now, who am I again?

Voltron?

I'm not gonna lie. One of the wise men

might have smoked some "myrrh-ijuana."

That was a very nice Christmas gift, Max.

Thanks, Earl. By the way, Sophie,

the barn and us dressed like idiots?

That's your Christmas gift. Oh.

Oh, and hey, bang Oleg later.

Oleg, that's your gift.

How did you know?

Before they come in, let's just take a moment to look around

and really let in the true spirit of Christmas.

I don't remember writing you a monologue.

Shut up! Get your ass over by the horse.

Come on, han. Hit the music.

[Christmas music playing] All right, everybody,

look holy.

Best I can do is my underwear.

All: Ooh!

O h, crap!

Oh, that's right, felka.

I'm the freakin' mother of god.

[Chuckles] We won!

I'm so happy we won.

We won! We won!

Okay, show's over.

Dump the kid, I'll be upstairs.

Max, take care of cabbage patch Christ.

Here, han. You got a buddy your own size.

Thank you so much, Barry.

And remember, I want 50 more shirts

after the first of the year after I'm back from rehab.

'Cause ladies, I am planning a very white Christmas.

Max, this is amazing!

Do you know what just happened in there?

Yeah, I stole some dope-ass fingerless gloves.

We're in business with them now.

You have to bring those back.

I got them for you. Okay.

This is like a Christmas miracle.

Our shirts are being sold in the most exclusive

bitchy boutique in Manhattan and they want more, lots more.

Hey, let's go into your childhood bank.

I need to take an adult pee.

Okay, but this isn't home, so remember,

put the seat down when you're done.

And while we're in there, we can apply for that loan.

No, no, no, no, no. We can't.

Now I'm afraid.

Come on, what's the real issue here?

We just had this amazing success.

And it looks like things are going our way,

and if we go in there, it could all be ruined.

You know what would ruin our lives even more?

If we don't get that loan and have to spend hours

with han standing under us trying to finish those shirts.

Well, that's a real "nightmare before Christmas."

Let's go. Good, cause I'm starting to pee a little.

He gave us a loan!

Is everyone who works on the street high?

I can't believe it. It didn't go bad.

I'm getting everything i want.

Walk on the outside of the sidewalk.

I'm gonna get hit by a bus.

I mean, how could he give us a loan?

I didn't even have to flash my boobs.

Then why did you do it?

I don't know. They were making it rain.

I felt obliged.

Max, do you have a dollar?

I don't know. Do you have change for 10,000?

Yeah, here. For what? For those less fortunate

Anne hathaway's here?

[Bell ringing]

Oh, my god. Look! Look!

Whoa, no way! No way!

Max, I have chills.

Well, it is snowing and there's no fingers on those gloves.

I love these.

I'm sorry I didn't get you anything.

I'm just not a thief.

What do you mean you didn't get me anything?

You got me everything. Look.

[Bell ringing]

[Christmas music playing]

*