Original subtitles

Earl, can i borrow your paper?

I want to check my horoscope

to see if I'll still be a whore in the future.

All right, who wants to go first?

Ooh, do me. Do me. Do me.

Can we have one night at the diner

that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman?

All right, I'll go.

"Gemini, the twins,"

and they're both doing fine, so let's move on.

Han, what sign are you?

I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo.

Max, you don't need that paper.

I'll tell you what's in your future...

Using my name as a reference at chipotle.

You guys really believe in that crap?

They just tell you what you want to hear.

"You will be rich. You will be famous."

You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said,

"you will be a 75-year-old cashier"?

(peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

okay, ready to open?

Never have been, never will be.

Let's do this.

Wait.

We have to do our business affirmation.

Please, god, don't let us be murdered in here.

All right, let's open 'em up.

Oh, hell no. Max.

Hang on. I wasn't done.

Oh, hell no!

Oh, she's yarn-bombing that bike.

It's whimsical. It's new.

It's stupid.

Graffiti, i get.

I see, "die, bitch. Die," on a wall,

i think, "okay, this gentleman

wanted to get that off his chest."

But this yarn-ival is pathetic.

Yo, yarnie.

I have a name.

It's Guinevere.

Yep, that checks out.

What's happening over here?

Why are you molesting that poor bike?

Well...

I am beautifying the city

one living, glorious work of art at a time.

And tips are always appreciated.

[Scoffs]

Here's a tip:

Go back to school and learn a trade

before daddy's money runs out.

Well, i never...

Worked a day in your life, we know.

You think this is artwork?

Artwork is a Garfield mug, sweetheart.

You got Garfield in a hammock, saying,

"I'm not overweight. I'm under-tall,"

I'll build you a gallery right here.

Look, you should move on.

My friend doesn't want you...

How shall i put this?

Taking a giant knit in front of our shop.

What is the problem? It is not even your bike.

It's been chained here for, like, four months.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe it is our bike,

and we use it for deliveries

and to trap nerds.

Peace out, ganja beer,

before i knit you a noose.

Max, that was a great idea.

What, that she go back to school?

I know.

At least a couple night classes, right?

Get around some people.

She's a lost cause. Let's move on.

I'm talking about us doing deliveries.

Why do we never deliver?

Speak for yourself. I've delivered.

Seriously, Max, those delivery services...

Eat24, grubhub... Do big business.

No one wants to go out now.

People are so lazy.

I don't really feel like it.

Seriously, Max, all we have to do

is slap a delivery charge on that product,

and suddenly, a $5 cupcake is bringing in more money.

And do you know what more money means?

No. How would i know that?

Okay, question:

Which of these goes better with no pants?

I don't know. They're both timeless...

As in, there's no time you should wear those.

You can't be objective.

You're like a kid in a candy store.

I'll ask Max.

Uh, well, the red one kind of matches your rash.

I think we have a winner.

So why are you trying out the fancy mesh tonight?

Well, even though Sophie and i are getting back together,

we wanted to make it special and hold off on the sexual part

of the relationship until tonight.

That is so sweet. I know.

I haven't even masturbated since right before i came in here.

So, Chestnut, i was buying some rolling papers

at the bodega,

and i hope this is cool, but i said they were for you.

Max, i have good news and bad news.

The bad news is,

this is the only good news I've had in three years.

And the good news is...

You found yourself a new apartment?

Don't toy with me, woman.

Speak plainly and clearly.

Did you find a new apartment?

Close your eyes. I'll give you a hint.

Last time i was told to close my eyes,

i woke up in a bikini on a garbage barge.

P.S., closest i ever got to a vacation.

[Horn honking]

Oh, you're dating a clown?

Please, you know i would have told you

if i was dating someone who had a car.

Look, it's the abandoned bike from in front of the shop.

It was the bike from the front of the shop.

Now it looks like a contestant on rupaul's bike race.

We're gonna use it to make deliveries.

I already signed us up for three delivery services.

Still crazy smart.

Waste of time.

Amazon's got drones,

and we've got one gay bike.

I don't want to do deliveries.

I got this. You bake, I'll bike.

And while you bike, I'll get baked.

I'm just gonna knock out these three "delivs,"

and I'll met you at the cupcake shop.

"Delivs"? You like "delivs"?

It's an "abbreve" i made up for "deliveries."

You like "abbreve"?

It's an "ab" i made up for "abbreviation."

I'm gonna make this short. Get out.

Hey, everybody.

Sophie, what do you think?

Aw, good for you, Caroline.

I've been saying that you should hop on something

pink and ride it since i met you.

[Horn honking]

Ah, Max, I'm so glad you're alone,

'cause i need some girl talk.

Okay, but the last time i did girl talk,

i got $3 for the first minute

and $1 for each additional minute.

No, it's about Oleg.

Last night, he was unable to...

Oh, what's a nice way to say this?

He couldn't get his soldier to stand at attention,

and his penis wouldn't work either.

Well, uh, have you tried buying

a Cosmopolitan magazine or something?

They usually have advice on sex stuff

and how to hate your body.

Max...

You don't think it could be me, do you?

No way, Sophie. You are hot.

Ah.

The first time Oleg saw you,

his soldier not only saluted.

It exploded.

You're right. I am hot.

It's all him.

Remember when i said you didn't have to do deliveries?

You're gonna have to do deliveries,

'cause i only went two blocks,

and I'm sweating like shia lebeouf

at a dui checkpoint.

Okay, you deliver. I'll open the window.

But first, business affirmation.

Please, god, don't let us get pistol-whipped in here.

It's either that Guinevere or spider-man came out.

Caroline, can i talk to you about a private matter,

by which i mean the matter is my privates.

Okay, but hurry, Oleg.

I'm in the middle of a dream catcher situation,

and it's a nightmare.

And why me?

'Cause i trust and respect you

and i feel like you know your way around a limp penis.

Maybe.

I talked to my therapist...

Roy, you know, down at the Starbucks.

He told me it's all mental.

We didn't get much further than that.

He spilled a grande mochaccino on his sandals.

You're probably just scared.

Intimacy is so hard for some guys,

it's not hard for some guys.

Yeah, that's all over my head.

Oh, no, Max forgot the order slips.

Oleg, I'm sure it'll all work out.

Good luck getting your penne al dente.

Again, over my head.

Max, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

What am i doing?

Well, i think I'm watching you shove

our delivery bike into the back of an uber car.

Well, this is uber-awkward.

Come on, come on. In or out.

All right, Caroline, this is milesh, with a "k."

He doesn't go to the airport,

and he once drove some of maroon 5...

So maroon 3.

No, stop. Caroline.

If you want me to deliver the cupcakes,

i can't use the bike, i have to use the car.

Why?

Oh, my god, are you pregnant?

You ask me that every day, and almost every day i say no.

Look, i want to tell you, but it's a secret.

And you can't tell anybody.

Do you seriously think i would ever tell anyone

anything about this life?

Right.

I don't know how to ride a bike, okay?

You don't know how to ride a bike?

Max doesn't know how to ride a bike?

Damn it, Caroline!

[Laughing]

Max doesn't know how to ride a bike.

Oh, happy day.

I finally have something over her.

There is a god,

and he's laughing at her too.

Lordy, this is harder to watch

than Jim carrey in a drama.

[Laughing]

[Knock at door]

Max, are you up?

What's that smell? Did you bring home Greek food?

No, that's me.

That's how you smell after you ride a bike

all over williamsburg delivering 14 orders of cupcakes,

and i do not wish to smell like this again,

so you have to learn how to ride that bike, all right?

Who do you think you are busting in here

smelling like hummus but having no hummus?

What is the problem?

Didn't your mother ever teach you how to ride a bike?

No, my mother was too busy being the town bike.

Well, then I'll teach you.

Nope. Never getting on a bike.

It's one of my three "nevers."

Yes, well, your first "never" was,

"never having a blonde roommate."

You are chipping away at me piece by piece, lady.

I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on.

I'd sit on your bed, but that's your third "never."

[Sighs]

When i was little, there was this kid, Tommy doonan.

Nice kid, solid hopscotcher.

Used to give me his fruit roll-up at lunch every day.

Max, did he give you these fruit roll-ups,

or did you take them?

Don't interrupt.

One day, Tommy doonan got a new bike.

He was out front with this nice, older man

who looked just like him.

You mean his dad?

Mm, is that what they call them?

I assumed it was a predator.

So anyway, i was making fun of him

'cause he seemed happy.

I thought that was our thing.

And he started showing off, doing wheelies and stuff,

to put me in my place,

but then he flipped up over the handlebars

and came down hard on his face.

Sad,

but not worth me having baklava pits.

Well, wait.

After i stopped laughing

and the man picked him up and hugged him predator-style,

i saw Tommy's teeth had busted through his cheek.

To put it plainly,

his mouth was on the outside of his face.

Ew, that's like something out of a horror movie,

like bike of the living dead or Texas bike chain massacre

or... well, that's probably enough.

Every time i see a bike, i think of his little face

and his little teeth chomping out the side of it.

He had to eat apples like this...

[Babbling]

Max, you are not responsible for that.

Yeah, i know,

and 1 out of the 12 jurors agreed.

Thank you, number six.

Anyway, it freaked me out, so good night.

No, Max.

It is not going to work that way.

You're learning how to ride a bike.

I'm already on one painful cycle.

I don't want to get on another one.

Max, i have access to tootsie rolls,

and if you get on a bike, i will give you four.

What am i, a chimp?

Five. Let's go.

Don't look so smug, Chestnut.

You don't know how to ride a bike either.

Come on, Max, just out here in the alley.

Oh, hell no!

What? She's been back here too.

Who? Guine-queer.

There's so much yarn-bombing, it's like craft-ganistan.

Max, let it go.

Stay focused.

Get on the bike.

No.

I don't want to eat apples

out of the side of my face.

Come on. Let me teach you.

Nope. Want a tootsie?

You know i do.

I mean, you taught me how to be poor.

Eh, you're getting really good at it.

Come on.

You know what they say about riding a bike.

It's like riding a bike. See?

It's fun, see? Whee!

Whee, whee, whee, whee, whee! Whee!

You got a real pretty mouth, Caroline.

Can't wait to see it on the side of your face.

At least just get on the bike.

You don't even have to go anywhere yet.

Nope. Want a tootsie?

You know i do.

Go.

[Groans and scoffs]

What is this bar doing here?

I have no use for a bar that can't get me drunk.

Okay, walk the bike over there

and lean against the car to get your balance.

Just check and make sure there's no one around.

Why do you care?

The only people out here this late

would be rapists, murderers, and freaks...

[Chuckles] You know, your peeps.

(Max) What the...

Hey, girls.

Sophie?

What are you doing in that car alone?

Oh, a dark alley at 3:00 A.M.?

Has money gotten that tight?

Yes, but that's not why we're out here.

I'm teaching Max how to ride a bike,

and it's pretty hard.

Oh, yeah, i wish i had that problem.

I'm dancing with a rope in here.

We're trying some exotic, new locales

for our lovemaking.

It's exotic because this isn't even our car.

(Sophie) Oh, uh...

We better hurry before that rabbi comes back.

Maybe try barking at it again.

There was some movement earlier.

[Sophie barking]

Come on, Caroline, teach me how to ride this thing.

I got to get away from temple gross shalom

as fast as possible.

Okay, I'm gonna get behind you

and hold on to your seat.

Not without three long island iced teas

and one, "your butt looks good in those jeans."

Tootsie? Yeah.

Max, don't look.

Yarn-bombing?

(Han) Hey, Max.

(Max) Han?

I'm just riding my bike to the bike store

to buy more bikes.

Is that han or

Lance Armstrong's runaway testicle?

Sorry, couldn't hear you.

I was too busy knowing how to ride a bike.

Damn it! Now i got to do this.

You know how quickly society will crumble around us

if han starts feeling like he can freely tease me?

You sure? Yep.

Making fun of han

is one of my two free sources of entertainment.

The other one is located right above this bar.

Okay, I'll keep my hand on the seat,

and then when you're ready, tell me, and I'll let you go.

Okay, but don't let go until i say so.

Okay, let go.

Already did.

I'm riding a bike?

Max, look out! Pothole!

[Groaning]

There goes my other free source of entertainment.

Tootsie?

Yes, obviously!

[Bell rings] Table ten. Pick up, Max.

Yeah, be right there.

Like, you know, in a month.

Uh, Max, how you doing?

I heard about your vag-accident.

Look, if you need to see a doctor,

my cousin in Florida is a good one,

but then again, the bumpy bus ride might kill you.

No, no, it'll be fine, Earl.

I'm icing it. I just have to keep it cold.

We're out of ginger ale.

I think you mean the ginger ale is out of you.

Max, let me get that for you.

I feel like it was kind of my fault.

Kind of?

Was Lincoln's death

kind of John wilkes booth's fault?

[Bell rings]

Pick up, Caroline.

How'd it go with Sophie?

Were you able to do the thing, you know, the man does

while the woman makes shopping lists in her head?

Shh. Come on.

I don't want anyone to know i can't get it up.

Oleg can't get it up?

[Laughing]

OMG. Oleg can't get it up.

[Laughing]

Best week ever.

Hey, everybody!

What's up?

Not your boyfriend.

[Laughing]

If anyone needs me,

I'll be outside riding my bike

with an erection.

Oh, no, no, no, no. He didn't hear it from me.

I only told two people...

Max and my manicurist, ming wa.

And you don't have to worry about her

because she doesn't care about anything

except loving some guy named long time.

Sophie, baby,

this is hard.

Yeah, maybe we better not try to be serious.

I mean, the real truth is,

i only like you for your penis anyway.

Say that again.

What, that i only like you for your penis?

One more time.

Well, what, that i don't have any real feelings for you?

That it's completely sexual

and i only like you for your big, stupid penis?

I'm back, baby.

Sophie, can i see you in the kitchen?

And we better hurry. I'm making three-minute eggs.

Cancel my eggs.

I would've so left during that whole conversation,

but I'm holding a can of Dr. pepper between my legs.

What? He's a doctor. He's seen it.

Well, i think we're pretty much even.

Your legs are a little sore, and I'll never have children.

So i guess what I'm saying is thanks.

So you really don't want to get back on the bike?

You're just gonna give up?

I bet even Tommy doonan got back on the bike.

Whatever happened to him?

I caught up with him on Facebook.

Well, more like really-messed-up-face-book.

He's happily married.

I bet right now he's driving his car,

looking straight ahead, and smiling at his wife

in the seat next to him.

So that's it for deliveries?

Oh, you can deliver wherever and whenever you want,

but there is no way i am ever getting on that bike again.

Max, look. Guinevere.

Oh, hell no!

She yarn-bombed our darn barn!

You two should've tipped.

I'm an artist.

Eat my stitches, bitches.

[Gasps]

That was not whimsical at all.

Give me the damn bike.

Knit's about to hit the fan.

[Can thuds]

Max, you're doing it.

What happened to your fear of bikes?

I guess the only thing stronger is my hatred of that nerd!