Original subtitles

It's payday!

And I'm not talking about the delicious

little treat with nuts.

Han, not cool to brag about yourself.

Here, Max, maybe you can use the money to buy a new attitude.

"New attitude"?

Isn't that the name of the boy band you're in?

And Oleg, you'll notice i docked your pay

'cause you didn't even come in yesterday.

I told you, i was working from home.

There you go, Earl. Don't spend it all in one place.

You think you pay me enough to spend it in two places?

Oh, my god, this is less than it cost me to get here today.

And i walked.

I know.

That's all i made?

What is this, "12 years a waitress"?

With you it's more like "12 beers a shift."

So many words, so little everything else.

(peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

[thud] Man: Whoa!

[Caroline gasps] Not the face!

Not my beautiful face!

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

I warn you, i was in the nutcracker suite.

What's that mean? This!

[Groans]

Don't worry Max, i handled it.

Yeah, i just handled it too. That's my Booty call.

Are you telling me you know him?

No, i don't know him.

He just comes over for sex on Tuesday nights.

Do you need help up?

Not yet, I'm still crying a little.

Okay, up you go.

Walk it off.

[Groans]

Yeah, i bet that hurts.

Nice going Caroline. You ruined the best part.

Hi, I'm Caroline, the roommate and prima ballerina.

Sorry about your sugar plums.

Sebastian.

Ba-ba-ba! No names! No names!

Uh, Caroline, you want a soda?

We have soda?

No, we don't have soda!

Why are you asking him his name?

He doesn't wanna know my name and i don't wanna know his.

Hey, mind if i use your bathroom?

I need to check on the boys.

See if they're girls.

How do you not know the name of the guy you're intimate with?

"Intimate"?

Max, there are certain things you have to know

about the guy you're engaging in sexual congress with.

Only you can make sex boring.

Well, not too bad.

One's okay and the other one left on crutches.

Later.

Sebastian, wait.

This is Max black.

Max, this is Sebastian.

Nice to meet you, Max.

Yeah, nice to meet you too.

And you can just call me what you usually do.

"Oh, god."

Hey is that a new shirt, Earl?

Why, yes it is, Max. I just got it in 1987.

[Text message ding]

Oh, great! Look at this text.

It's from the guy whose sperm count you lowered.

His name is Sebastian.

Oh, he's inviting you to come see him dj.

Oh, damn it! I told you i didn't wanna know anything

about him, and now i know he's a dj.

Which means he unemployed, so points for that.

So what are you gonna text him back?

Nothing!

The only back-and-forth i want from this guy

is on his back and for the fourth time.

The best sex is secret sex.

Then maybe don't talk about it while I'm eating.

Well, i have a sexy secret.

A crush on a girl.

Oleg, we all know it's me.

That sweat-pant salute never lies.

Not you. Don't kid yourself.

You couldn't handle this beast in the sheets.

I could totally handle you in the sheets, Oleg.

What are you fighting for, Caroline?

Hey, everybody!

All right, weather report:

I just came back from a date and it's raining losers out there.

There's my sexy, sexy, secret crush.

Who, Sophie? Not so secret.

You two have already done it in every public space in Brooklyn.

Yeah, and your apartment, twice.

What? We didn't even wake you!

Sophie, baby,

I've been looking for the perfect woman

and it turns out, what i want is in my own back door.

Backyard.

I think you're both right.

I hear your truck pull up.

But I'm not sure i wanna sign for your package anymore.

I knew you were going to say that.

So as a reminder, I've created a sizzle reel

of our best sex.

So it's an stdvd?

It's the extended version.

Uncut, as you know.

That's it, cancel my brownie!

Sizzle reel?

I'll watch it tonight while i eat my fajitas.

[Text message dings]

Max, you just got another text from Sebastian.

Who?

Please, can we go to the club to see him dj, Max?

I wanna dance.

The last time i shook my Booty

was when we ran out of toilet paper.

Max, thank you so much for taking me dancing.

Well, you signed that paper that said if i did,

you'd do the side work for the next six months.

Are you sure this is the address

of the club Sebastian gave you?

Who?

Sebastian!

This can't be the address. It's a whole foods.

I know what it is.

I can smell the cage-free body odor.

Let's just go in, ask someone if they know where the club is,

and maybe rip a grape off a stem... I'm starving.

Whole foods, wow.

Reminds me of when i was a whole person.

Max, we can start looking for the club.

All right, all right.

I'm gonna lay down some beats while you check out our beets.

Organic!

See?

This is why i didn't want to know anything!

You ask a guy his name and you find out

he's dj'ing next to radishes.

And what kind of loser comes here to dance?

*

Woot! Woot!

Holla!

And i don't mean the kosher bread!

Oh, no. How did you find me here?

Whole foods is my sexy secret.

You know what's not a secret?

The organic preparation h in that basket.

Whole foods is where i come to get my groove on.

Why? Is Chuck E. Cheese closed?

As much as I'd love to see what else you're gonna buy

to rub on your butt, we're leaving

before that dj sees me.

You mean dj fresh-and-local?

The music be bumpin' and we buyin' pumpkins!

Let's go. I can't believe i wore these for this.

Wake up.

It's Tuesday, and the dj didn't come.

Maybe he just drank too much.

No! He didn't show at all.

There's no dj fresh-and-local in my ones and twos.

Well, what did you expect?

You ran out of there without even saying "hi."

We should've stayed at the club.

Stop calling it a club!

He DJs at a supermarket,

which is the lamest thing I've ever seen,

not counting the time

you tried to bring back the phrase

"oh, no, you didn't."

I'm surprised at you.

What if i judged you for some of your jobs?

Uh, bar-back slash captain of a shrimp boat

in the Gulf of Mexico isn't the bomb?

What about when you worked at the gap?

Who told you about the gap?

You, that time you were drunk, folding a sweater,

and you tried to help me "spring into summer"

with cargo shorts.

Fine! I fell into the gap. I needed the money.

Maybe Sebastian needs the money, too.

Who?

[Knock at door]

And if you ever tell anyone about the gap,

you will have a gap between your neck

and where your head used to be.

"Oh, no you didn't."

Hey, i wasn't sure if it was too late to come by

but the ouija board said, "go ahead, the girls are up!"

You use that?

The only spirit i listen to is 2-buck-Chuck,

and he mostly tells me to take my top off.

Yeah, ouija helps me make all my big decisions.

Like coming to America, adopting a Chinese orphan,

and leaving a Chinese orphan at the fire station.

Those boards are creepy.

You never know what you're inviting in.

I mean, what if we open a hellmouth?

Aw, come on, girls, look around.

I mean, you already have.

Okay, now shh. Okay...

Ouija,

should i take Oleg back?

Yes?

Oh, now, see, that is creepy

because i was shoving it to "no".

Do you want to get back with him?

Well, I'm torn.

And also, i don't know what to do.

[Dance music plays]

Throw your hands in the air like you just don't Kale.

*

Max, I'm proud of you for overlooking his job

and giving this guy a chance.

He's making a dj face. I'm out.

Oh, my god, Dylan.

No, we can't leave now.

I just saw this girl, and she is the last person

i want to see.

What is the problem?

It's hilary waldare.

We went to wharton together.

So competitive with me.

Loved it when i lost all my money.

She even threw a party to celebrate

and then had the nerve to invite me.

Worst party ever, by the way.

Uh, worse than being at a dance club

that has a price club?

Max black in the house of grain.

And now he saw me.

Well, I'm gonna go hide before she sees me.

I'll be in tom's shoes. Nobody's ever over there.

I'm bustin' out some free range electronic dance music.

That's right!

I'm bringing it in my own bag.

*

Uh, okay, we good?

See you next Tuesday.

Come on, stay. What's your hurry?

I can't watch any more people dance-shop.

Max, come on. Get in front of me.

See what you can do.

Oh, you're behind me this time... that's new.

All right, everybody,

frisee, 'cause we got a special guest dj

in the hizzay

who's so hot it's radicchio.

Go on.

Bob, I'd like to bid $1.00.

$1.00, Bob, $1.00.

Have your pets spayed or neutered.

Speaking of neutered pets, here comes han.

Still counts as a dj shout-out.

Hey, why wait till Tuesday?

Why don't i take a break and we can go in the back.

I just need to find someone to cover me.

Someone bogarted all the nut butter.

How about half of someone?

Can i help you, miss?

Max?

What are you doing?

I'm thirsty, broke, and they cut me off at the free lemonade.

What are you doing?

Well, two dudes were getting it on

in the family restroom, so...

Where's Sebastian?

Who?

Oh, milk. Bottom shelf.

What's up?

You're not doing it in the dairy case!

Uh, no I'm not, 'cause you won't go away.

Do you have to ruin sex everywhere?

Well, Max, if i wasn't lactose intolerant

before, i am now.

Oh, my god, Caroline Channing!

Hi! It's hilary waldare.

Oh, my god! Hi! Hi!

I haven't seen you since your party.

Someone said you left crying. How are you?

I'm great! I mean, I'm shopping at whole foods,

buying some organic fuel that I'll probably take

a couple sips of in spin class and then throw away, so...

Oh, good, 'cause i heard you were still poor

and that you were working as a waitress.

A waitress?

That is insane.

That is so insane it should be in an ice tub in an asylum.

I'm so glad you're great, because when i saw you

in those three-year-old Louboutins, i got worried.

Also, you have an orange juice mustache.

Oh. Where's Max?

Milk.

Max, listen... Busy!

Hilary's still here.

And she called me a waitress. How dare her.

She humiliated me, and i didn't even get

a party this time. I'm going home.

(Store manager) Hilary waldare, report to register three.

Oh, my god! Did he just say...

(store manager) Hilary waldare. Register three.

He did! Oh, my god! Max!

Busy!

What? Do you wanna just join us?

Hilary waldare works here, as a cashier!

So i win!

Everyone knows on the job humiliation chain,

it goes: Prostitute, hostess, waitress,

cashier, Princess Jasmine in the Disney electric light parade.

What happened to not looking down

on other people with crappy jobs?

Oh please, this is real.

Now if you'll excuse me, i have got $14

burning a second hole in my pocket,

and I'm gonna spend it here at register three.

[Sebastian moans]

Whoo!

What, you couldn't wait for me?

This goes out to Kelly in prepared foods.

The Kelly with the cystic acne,

not the Kelly with the bald spot.

Now, where my Adele-heads at?

I'm glad you have no line, 'cause i have an exclusive

private yoga class to get to...

Oh, hilary!

Yes, Caroline.

I am a cashier.

I'm sorry, a what?

I'm a cashier.

Yeah, turns out things aren't great.

My husband left me for my dad.

And they didn't even cut me in on the lifetime movie rights.

It's on in January... Father is the bride.

Let me just weigh your salad.

Well, I'm sure you'll pull yourself together like i did.

'Cause I'm kind of killing it, life-wise.

That'll be $28.

There's only $14 here.

$28 for a salad?

Well, that's dinosaur Kale.

Oh! Mistake.

Didn't want the dinosaur Kale.

Never liked dinosaurs and really don't like them

in my Kale.

Dinosaur Kale gone.

You're just putting it on the counter?

Oh, i don't usually shop for myself.

Is that not how it's done?

Caroline, do you not have enough money?

No, hilary, i have enough money.

I just don't know why i have so many eggs.

Here. You're holding up the line.

You obviously don't have enough money

to pay for your salad.

Sad.

I don't know what you're implying.

Oh! Here is my very successful business partner.

Sorry it took so long. I couldn't find my pants.

I don't know how they made it all the way to the loading dock.

Face it Caroline, you came here to humiliate me

and you can't even afford that egg.

On your face.

Miss, did you drop this $20 bill?

Yes! Yes i did!

I dropped some money, too.

Don't push it.

Thank you, sir. This is very kind of you

and i really appreciate it.

Anything for my favorite waitress.

[Gasps]

Oh, i knew you were a waitress.

Your store sucks!

I just had sex in your dairy department.

Keep the change.

And buy your dad-husband a wedding gift.

Okay, one more time.

Ouija, should i be with Oleg?

15 out of 15 yeses.

That's still unclear.

Sophie, this is silly.

You know you two wanna get back together.

Caroline, we already have the ouija board.

We don't need another thing around here that's flat

and wrong all the time.

Fine. Sophie, if it's not me, after all I've offered you, go.

Ask the spirits who the man you are supposed to be with is.

Ouija, please spell out the name of the man

that I'm supposed to be with.

Oh, look, it's moving.

"V," "a," "n,"...

This is what the world was like before the Internet.

"K," "o."

"Vanko."

Vanko? Yeah, that sounds cute.

Yeah, i like it... I'm sorry, Oleg.

The spirits have spoken.

I'm supposed to be with someone named vanko.

And they know the best.

So you're supposed to be with someone named vanko?

Mm-hmm.

"Vanko Oleg golishevsky"?

I go by my middle name 'cause there were seven other

vankos in my family.

But i didn't even know that.

Yeah, that means the ouija is...

Oh, uh...

Ohh... Yeah...

Oh, no, no, vanko. No!

I... No, i...

We can... you and i can get back together, okay?

But i just can't be here right now.

No, i mean, this is just too damn spooky!

[Shrieks]

I can't wait to tell my brothers,

vanko and vanko, about this.

Ah, ah, ah...

Word on the street is you've been talking some smack

about cashiers.