Original subtitles

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪♪♪

[Male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, let her hear it--

the one and only black unicorn,

Miss Tiffany Haddish.

[cheers and applause]

♪ hip-hop music ♪

♪♪♪

What up, L.A.? Whoo! I'm feeling so good.

I'm feeling like it's nothing but opportunity

in the world right now, 'cause I'm ovulating and stuff.

And I smell good credit in the room.

Smell like inheritances and everything.

What's up? Yes.

I'm feeling super sexy 'cause this background,

everything in here is so beautiful.

Isn't it beautiful? I feel so classy and elegant.

I just want to Crip walk in this motha.

Classy than a motherfucker. Feeling elegant as shit.

Sorry, I just really wanted to be ratchet

for ten seconds.

Feel so good, though.

I feel like I've come a long way.

Whoo!

I love that we doing these shows.

We still kind of in the hood,

but we not quite in the hood.

We hood adjacent right now.

I love it.

I love it. I love it.

And I just feel like, you know, now I'm a stand-up comedian.

You know, I started out as a model.

I was a model, y'all-- at the Slauson Swapmeet.

I been modeling there.

For 15 years, I've been modeling there

in that booth L7, like, "What?"

I got all the best ratchet poses.

One.

Pose two. Pose three.

That's the one you send pookie in jail.

That one-hour photo in the swap meet.

There's a lot of us in here that took pictures there.

Thought you was cute as shit.

"Bitch, I'm finna put this in my binder, bitch.

So everybody could see how cute I was that day."

You had a little airbrush background and shit.

You're like...

Why every dude want to show they throat?

Can't even see your face, homeboy.

You got that throat, though.

Rockin' that throat.

I grew up in foster care.

Anybody else grew up in the system?

Make some noise if you was in the system!

So I'm the only special motherfucker here, huh?

It's cool. It's cool. I was state property.

I'm valuable, okay? I am valuable.

All the rest of y'all, y'all mamas

and daddies had to love you.

They didn't get paid or nothing, okay?

Anybody house that I walked into from the time

I was 11 till I was grown,

they got paid off of me, bitch.

I come with a check.

Uh!

I'm valuable.

Oh, I want to say thank you to anyone

who paid taxes between 1990 and 1999.

Thank you so much,

'cause without your tax dollars,

I wouldn't be standing here right now today.

You know, the state of California

paid so much money to make sure I don't die,

'cause they knew I was gonna be special.

They knew it.

They knew it. They was like,

"Oh, this one right here? This one right here?

She gonna be a unicorn."

And they was right.

I'm the last black unicorn, bitch.

[chuffs]

[neighs]

I feel valuable.

I remember when I first went into foster care, I hated it.

I didn't like it. It was messed up.

I didn't want to be a part of it.

I fuckin' hated it.

'Cause kids used to make fun of me. It was...

This one bitch named Keyosha, ooh, I hate this bitch.

To this day, I can't stand that bitch.

Saw her ass a couple of years ago,

she was working in a Walmart as a greeter.

I was like, "Hiii.

That's what happens to bullies, bitch."

She had a dead leg and shit.

I was like, "Ha ha, limbs die to bullies.

All bullies' limbs die.

Ha ha."

That's what your ass get.

Should have been a motherfuckin' pirate on the Pirates

of the Caribbean ride at Disney Land, bitch.

Ol' raggedy-ass bitch.

Oh, yo-ho, yo-ho ass bitch.

Hated her.

I hated her because she wouldn't let me be,

like--I don't know about y'all,

but my favorite game in school was tetherball.

That was my favorite fucking game.

I think tetherball's the best way to get out anger,

get out frustration, especially as a child.

You just release all that tension,

you get to hit that yellow ball right there

attached to that rope wrapping around that pole.

You just, "Ahh!

Yah! Yah!" And you see it wrap around.

You're like, "Yeah, I'm winning!"

Sometimes you play your enemy

and hit them dead in the face, their nose bleed.

You're like, "Yes! I fucking run the playground!

I am the king!

'Game of Thrones' style, bitch!" That's what I felt like.

Felt powerful.

This bitch, Keyosha,

she found out I was in the system.

She didn't want to let me play.

Coming up to play tetherball, she like, "Uh-uh, Tiffany.

Only people with mamas and daddies can play."

Bitch, we don't even know if that's your real daddy.

How you gonna do me?

Just 'cause you 15 in the 6th grade

don't mean you get to run the playground, Keyosha.

She wouldn't let me play, though.

Three weeks of her bullying me,

three weeks of her telling me I can't play,

three weeks of her punkin' me,

and I couldn't take it no more.

I fuckin' lost it.

I needed to play tetherball.

I mean, tetherball's the best thing.

I really think they should have tetherballs in the workplace,

'cause when you get upset with your boss

or whatever, your coworkers working your nerves,

you need to be like, "Uh, 'scuse me.

I need a break. I need a tetherball break."

Yah! Yah!

Okay, I'm ready to go back to work now."

This would keep a lot of people from getting shot at work.

I'm just saying.

Wouldn't let me play.

I got mad. Couldn't take it.

Three weeks of bullying me. Three weeks of picking on me.

Three weeks of not letting me play my game.

I lost it.

Had my very first psychotic break.

I was in line like, "Yeah, I'm playing tetherball today."

I don't care what she say.

Today is gonna be the day that I play tetherball."

I was like out of a slave movie or something.

"Oh, I'm gonna go to tetherball freedom today.

She gon' let me play today."

And I get up to the front of the line, and she like,

"Uh-uh, Tiffany, only peoples with mamas

and daddies can play."

I was like...

"You know what? You know what, Keyosha?

You know what? You know what, Keyosha?"

'Cause that's what black women do when we get upset.

We repeat ourselves over and over and over again,

and we throw this hand out here like this,

'cause we 'bout to snatch your soul out your body....

On some Indiana Jones "navi da shakti de" type shit.

We 'bout to Kali Ma your spirit.

That's what we 'bout to do. And I was like, "You know what?

"You know what, Keyosha? You know what?

You know what, Keyosha? You right. You right.

I don't have no mama and no daddy,

but you know what I do got? You know what I do got, bitch?

You know what I do got? You know what I do got, bitch?

I got a judge and a lawyer, ho. Do you got a judge and a lawyer?

I don't think so, bitch. And you know what else I got?

You know what else I got, Keyosha?

You know what else I got?

You know what else I got, Keyosha?

You know what else I got?

You know what else I got, Keyosha?

I got a social worker that come and see me every two weeks.

Do you got a social worker

that come and see you every two weeks?

No, 'cause you not special, bitch.

And you know what else I got, Keyosha? You know what else?

You know what else I got, Keyosha?

You know what else? You know what else, Keyosha?

You know what else?

Yo mama and daddy been paying taxes

since before you was born, and if you died tomorrow,

they will still be paying taxes,

and you know what them tax dollars do?

Pay for my judge and my lawyer

and my social worker, bitch.

So seems to me like your mama and daddy love me way more

than they love you, bitch."

She beat the dog shit out of me, y'all.

She beat me so bad,

had me hanging from the tetherball pole.

Police came, I pressed charges,

she ended up with a judge and a lawyer,

'cause what goes around comes around in this motherfucker.

It's just like tetherball.

But then I fell in love with foster care, y'all.

I started to see the beauty in it,

and that's the thing, like, with my life.

I find the beauty in everything.

No matter how bad something get,

I can find the beauty in anything.

And when I was in foster care,

I started to realize how awesome it was,

because I got to live with so many different types of people.

My very first foster family-- they were Hispanic.

They taught me how to speak Spanish.

[speaking Spanish]

Me encantan los hamburguesas sin los tacos, papichula.

Comer mi panocha.

And I always-- I always have fun

when I say that in Mexico,

'cause a Spanish dude go down on me, you know?

And they taught me so much. They taught me how to cook.

I know how to make carne asada tacos,

enchiladas, papusas, menudo.

I know how to make horchata from scratch.

They taught me how to cut grass

and how to deliver babies.

They taught me how to build houses from the ground up.

I can build you a motherfucking house.

They taught me how to get a job outside the Home Depot.

They...

they taught me how to fix cars. I can fix a transmission.

I can rebuild a carburetor--wait, no, wait.

They taught me how to rebuild an alternator

and how to steal a carburetor.

They taught me...

how to change tires.

I know how to--man, I can make the shit

out of a quinceañera dress

like it ain't nobody business, okay?

I can sew, too. They also taught me--

they also taught me how to play the accordion.

I was the--I was the lead accordion player

in a mariachi band, y'all, for, like, nine months.

I toured all over Southern California,

some parts of Mexico.

I was all in Arizona, New Mexico. I was doing it.

Bitch, I was on El Telemundo and all that, okay?

I was killing it.

Young black girl playing the accordion.

Hey, hey, hey! That was me. That was me.

I did all the quinceañeras.

I was killing it.

And then my foster dad got deported on some weed charges.

It was messed up.

And then they moved me to a Jewish family,

and I was so afraid, you guys; I was so scared.

I was so scared to live with these Jews,

because the Mexicans had told me

what the Jews had did to Jesus,

and I was like, "Oh, no."

"I'm a carpenter, and I got curly hair too.

What's gonna happen to me?"

But turns out they were kind and nice people, man.

They taught me how to speak Hebrew.

They threw me a bat mitzvah.

I'm circumcised now,

so it feels so good when I walk fast.

Like, they just took the hood off,

so it's like, "Ahhh. She ready."

No, she just out there like,

"Yes!"

If you ever see me walking fast down Crenshaw, don't stop me,

'cause I'm feeling myself, you understand me?

I'm, "Oh, shit.

"That's what the fuck I'm talking about.

"I need to walk more often.

This is..." It's how I keep my weight down.

I be busting on these walks.

Whoo! Who needs a man

when you can walk faster than a motherfucker?

Them Jews hooked me up for life.

And then my grandma got custody of me,

and that's when I learned how to gang-bang and braid hair,

so I feel like a well-rounded individual.

My grandma taught me a lot, though.

She taught me how to value myself as a woman.

I'll never forget. It was my 18th birthday.

She should have told me this on my 16th birthday,

though, 'cause at that point,

I had started renting out the property already.

She pulled me to the side.

She said, "Look here, baby girl.

"Now that you've become a woman,

"there's a certain way you need to think of yourself,

"and every woman--every woman

"should think of herself this way.

"Baby, I want you to think of yourself as a house,

and there's one thing you got to remember,

baby--one thing you got to remember.

Every man wants to come inside your house.

Now, you can't be having every man going in

and out your house all the time.

That bring your property value low.

Messing around and be known as the 'crack house,'

and you don't want to be the crack house.

So keep the grass cut and keep it clean,

'cause you don't want people walking by thinking

you got an abandoned house, you hear?

And don't be going out late at night getting drunk and stuff,

'cause somebody will break into your house, baby,

right through the backdoor.

They break in right through the back,

and that's how you're walking messed up the next day

talking to the police.

And once you find a man that loves you

and cares about you,

he'll go ahead and he'll sign that paperwork,

he'll put a ring on your finger, and he will buy that house."

And I just want to know, by round of applause,

how many ladies in here tonight

got them a husband, AKA homeowner.

You got a man that love you, taking care of you--

make some noise if you got you a husband, girl!

That's it?

So the rest of you bitches

in here just renting to own?

You just section-eight-ing the property out?

Small Latin family of 15

living in there trying to make ends meet.

Some of y'all got haunted houses.

Every time a dude go in, he leave out

with no spirit, no soul.

He just dead on the inside.

They call your coochie "American Horror Story,"

season one:

"Soul Snatcher."

Let me shut up.

I'm about to say some fucked-up shit.

Whoo. Man.

Mm, mm, mm.

I'm taking a break.

Y'all don't take a break when y'all go to work?

Don't nobody do they job all the way through.

It's fuckin' hot up here,

and my baby toe is dead.

Trying to maintain my posture and shit,

holding in my little baby fat.

Stick your booty out, pull your shoulders back,

get the little "s" in your back so niggas

want to fuck, but I'm tired.

Every female in here know what I'm talking about.

You be in the club like, "Yeah, bitch, this is it.

I'm getting pregnant tonight in this.

This is my shit."

You be like, "Why ain't nobody buying me

no drinks in this motherfucker?

Aw, fuck, my baby toe fell off somewhere

in this fucking--fuck.

The fuck is my toe?

Kim, you seen my toe in here?

I can't find my fuckin' toe, bitch!

This is some bullshit.

No, I'm good. I'm good. I'm just looking for my toe.

Fuck. Whoo!"

Real shit.

After I left my grandma, got--

you know, graduated from high school and everything,

I got accepted into NYU, y'all.

I was supposed to go to NYU.

Don't clap, 'cause I didn't go.

Make no sense to me. It was $30,000 a semester.

How am I pay $30,000 a semester?

How many dicks do I got to suck to get this education?

I don't want it. I don't want it.

Some people be like, "Oh, just get a loan, bitch."

I don't want to owe nobody nothing.

No, thank you.

And YouTube had came out around the same time.

I was like, "Fuck it, I'm going to YouTube University, bitch.

I'm gonna learn everything." YouTube is the shit.

I'm so happy they made YouTube,

'cause you really don't have to go to school if you got YouTube.

Anything you want to know is right there at your

motherfuckin' fingertips-- at your thumbs now.

They got phones. You can just tap in there,

ask any question--it's there.

If it ain't there, you can make a video, ask the question,

"How do I blow up this nigga's car?"

Somebody--somebody is gonna make a video

to tell you how to do it.

It's there. It's there.

I learned how to make red-bottom shoes,

but you can't walk too far in them,

'cause they turn into brown bottoms.

I learned how to make hair out of Tupperware, bitch.

This is green right here. This is recycled.

It might smell like spaghetti,

because it's recycled Tupperware.

But you can do anything because of YouTube.

I'm a brain surgeon now because of YouTube.

I'm also a theologian because of YouTube.

I'm an ordained minister.

I'm a psychiatrist.

I'm everything 'cause of YouTube.

I'm a registered nurse 'cause of YouTube.

Anything you want to know, it's right there.

I started dating and stuff.

I remember when I first started dating,

I had fell in love with this one dude.

Oh, my God, I loved him so much. I know I had to love him,

'cause he didn't have no good job or nothing.

Like, I used to let him drive my car and everything.

Like, whoo, he was hitting corners in my Geo Metro.

I loved him. I really did.

I did, and he cheated on me and everything.

Like, I didn't know--

I didn't know at first, 'cause, like, I was so done.

You know when you're in your early 20s,

it's like a dude could tell you anything,

and you'd be like, "Okay!"

Be like, "Um," you're like-- it was my birthday,

and he had dropped me off at his grandma house.

He said he had a job interview.

He's gonna go to the job interview

and come back and pick me up,

and that motherfucker didn't show up

till the next day,

and I was like, "Oh, my God, what happened to you?"

and he was like, "Oh, I had got pulled over by the police,"

and I was like, "Yeah, that's right!"

Fuckin' stupid.

Mm.

A few days later, I went over to his house--well,

it's really his mama house, 'cause that's where he lived,

and, uh, he had a little video camera

on the TV and stuff, right?

And I was like, "Ooh, let's make a movie.

Let's get freaky and make a movie."

And I had started recording,

and he had snatched the camera from me, scratched my face.

I still have a scratch mark on my face from that day.

And I was like, "Damn, what's on the camera?" Right?

And he was like, "Stay out of my fucking shit.

Don't be in my stuff."

And he took the tape out, went down to the Dumpster,

threw the tape in the dumpster,

and was like, "You stay out my stuff!"

And then he tried to, like, get freaky with me, right?

And I was like, "Uhh, you so crazy!"

I started kissing him and stuff.

I was like, "Ooh, I got a booboo.

I'll be right back," right?

And I went to the bathroom, stayed in there,

like, 30 minutes, came out, and was like, "Ooh, I'm sick.

I need to go home. I'ma go home."

So I got in my car,

and I drove around the block, like, two times, right?

And then I parked, like, two blocks away,

and then I walked up to his apartment building,

and it was raining-- this is how I knew

I was having my next psychotic break.

This was my second psychotic break,

'cause I fuckin' jumped

in that Dumpster and was, like, fuckin' Nae Nae-ing

in that bitch and fucking swimming,

looking for that motherfucking tape.

I Milly Rocked

all in that motherfucker.

"Fuck is this tape at?"

And I found it.

I found the tape, and then I drove around, like,

for two, three hours, I drove around

to different Rite Aids and CVSes and stuff,

and Walgreen's had just came out.

I was like, "Yeah, they probably got it,"

'cause I was looking for an adapter, 'cause you know

that's when VHS was hot.

And, you know, you put the little

Hi8 video tape in the VHS adapter

and you put that in your VCR

and you can see what the fuck was going on, right?

And I needed to know what the fuck is on that tape.

I needed to know what the fuck is on this tape.

I need to know what the fuck is on this tape!

I was losing it.

Now I'm driving all over the city.

I done drove out to the valley a bit.

I almost made it to San Diego

looking for a fuckin' adapter to this tape, right?

And I couldn't find one, and then I called my homegirl,

Anna, at, like, 4:00 in the morning.

I was like, "Anna, girl, you got the same video camera he got.

Let me borrow your video camera."

She was like, "Why? I don't know--

why do you want the video camera?"

I was like, "Bitch, let me borrow the video camera.

I got a pack of Newports and some weed."

She was like, "Bring your ass here, girl. Come."

And I was like, "Here I come."

So I went over there, right?

I went over there. She gave me the video camera.

I went home, I had me a bottle of Cisco.

That's how you know I'm fuckin' 'bout to lose it.

Cisco make you fuckin' crazy.

Peach flavor too, 'cause I'm classy.

And I'm sitting there watching the tape,

and then this dog-faced bitch,

old yuck-mouth-ass bitch come up.

She got them-- you know them chicks

that be having them big-ass gums and little baby teeth?

I was like, "This old baby-toothed bitch!

Who the fuck is"--I was trying

to snatch her soul out the TV, you understand me?

"Look at this, bitch."

I was so mad.

I wanted revenge. I didn't know what the fuck to do.

I was so mad, and I wanted--like,

you know--well, you know what normally you do

when you get revenge on a dude.

You put sugar in his gas tank, slash his tires,

bust the windows out his car, throw bleach on his clothes,

fuck up his shit in some kind of way,

but he didn't have shit.

He didn't have shit.

But what he did have was a brand new pair of Jordans

he'd left at my house,

and I was like, "Aw, shit.

I know what I'ma do."

His name was Cornelius, so I went ahead

and ate a gang of corn,

and I got them Jordans,

and I squatted--I shitted right in them Jordans.

I shitted.

I shitted in them Jordans--all the shit.

I put it all in them Jordans,

and I made it fall to the front of the shoe,

and I wiped off the edges and everything,

put them back in the box, went over to his place.

I was like, "Babe, we should go play basketball.

Let's go play basketball. Put your new Jordans on.

You gonna be the shit on the court,

you put them Jordans on.

Everybody gonna be jocking you, boo."

He was like,

"All right, baby girl. We gonna play some ball."

I was like, "Yeah, let's play." He put his foot in that shoe.

He's like, "What the fuck is in this shoe?

Oh, my God, somebody shitted in my shoe.

It's human shit too. It's corn all in it.

It's corn all in my fuckin' shoe.

Who did this shit?"

And I was in the doorway like, "Yeah, nigga.

All the shit you put me through,

now you walking in it, motherfucker.

How 'bout that?!"

And then I fuckin' ran.

I just took off out that mother.

I just ran out the house,

'cause I knew he wasn't gonna chase me through his mama house

with shit on his feet.

Any questions?

After a while, I started to be, like,

really super lonely,

and I started praying to God to please send me a man.

"God, please send me a man that really love me,

that want to be with me, want to do what I do,

that really just love my dirty drawers.

Like, he just--everywhere I'm at, like no matter what,

he just there for me no matter what."

And then God sent me a stalker, and I was like, "Yes!

I'm marrying him."

And I married my stalker.

I'm so proud of myself.

And it was a good relationship at first.

At first, it was fucking awesome.

Like, he was feeding me three times a day and stuff.

He used to take me on long walks and everything,

and he never beat me up or nothing, bitch.

It was a good relationship.

Now, he did choke me a few times,

but that's when we was playing cops,

and the police would come, and they arrest him--

he'd go to jail for, like, a day or so.

He'd come back. I'd suck his dick.

We had court-ordered counseling. It was a real relationship.

We had a judge. That's valid, okay?

That's that foster kid shit, bitch.

We got a judge.

It was crazy, though.

And I had broke up with him. I left him.

I was like, "I can't live like that.

I can't do that. I'm not living that life."

And, um, he wanted me back.

He was like, "I want my wife back."

Like, "I want my wife back." I was like,

"Well, if you want me back, there's certain things

you're gonna have to do.

You gonna have to do certain things.

You gonna have to take a domestic violence class,

you gonna have to take a communications class,

you gonna have to take an anger management class,

you gonna have to make a million dollars

and buy me something I always wanted, too."

So I'm thinking,

"He'll never complete none of this shit," right?

He took all the classes. He did all that.

He got him a job as an executive

at a studio making money,

and then he bought me a Sleep Number bed, bitch.

I was like, "Oh, my God, he loves me.

He care about my rest.

He love me!"

But I knew I couldn't just go back just the way I was.

I knew I had to get myself together,

'cause I knew my mouthpiece is part of why

I got choked the fuck out.

So I took myself a communications class.

I took a domestic violence class.

I took an anger management class, too.

And I took a football cross-training class,

and I took a synchronized swimming class,

because a few people told me if it happened once,

it might happen again, right?

So we got back together and everything,

and it was all cool, and he told me, like,

"You can't receive no phone calls

or text messages after 10:00,

'cause that's disrespecting our relationship."

And I was like, "Oh, well, I'm a comedian.

Sometimes, clubs are gonna hit me up

and want me to come and do a show."

He was like, "Well, you don't have to do that no more.

I'm making money, so I'ma take care of you.

You ain't got to do that comedy shit no more,"

and I was like, "Oh, touché.

Nice. Nice, but no.

I love comedy. You can't take that away from me.

I'm not gonna allow you to take away what I love.

I love this. This is my safe place.

This is my favorite thing in the world.

I'm not gonna let you take that from me.

Fuck that. You could take the pussy,

but you can't take my comedy."

So we leaving the comedy club.

It's like 12:32 a.m. I'll never forget it.

I'll never fuckin' forget it was 12:32 a.m.,

'cause that was my third psychotic break, y'all.

I'll never forget it. We're in my little Corvette.

We rolling. I let him drive

so I could feel like Ri-Ri and stuff.

I was feeling just like Rihanna, like, "Yes," right?

Had the little phone in the center console,

and he had his phone in the center console.

That's where he fucked up. That phone's sitting there.

12:32 a.m. The phone go off.

[imitates ringtone]

I look over,

and it say--it's a text message--it say,

"Eva: 'Why you be lying?'"

In my head I'm like,

"Who the fuck is Eva?

Who the fuck is Eva? I don't know--no,

he don't have no family members named Eva.

He ain't got no cousins. He ain't got no coworkers,

'cause I've been up to that job, like, eight times.

I ain't met not one bitch named Eva.

Who the fuck is Eva?

Girl, don't say nothing out loud.

You know what you learned in class.

What did you learn in communications class?

What did you learn in communications?"

And then I look at my reflection in the window, and I see myself.

I feel like, in the reflection, I'm like Gollum.

I'm like, "Ohh.

We must find out who the fuck Eva is!

You ask him who is Eva!"

And then this side is like, "No, calm down.

Calm down. What did we learn?

We learned to smile and be polite.

Smile and be kind when you ask him.

Just smile." "I don't want to smile!

I want to know who the fuck Eva is!"

And then I hear, like, some David Banner music,

like that Incredible Hulk music

playing in the background.

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da, da ♪

And I'm just trying to smile.

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da, da ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

"Babe, who is Eva

and why does she say you be lying?"

He's like, "Girl, what you talking about?"

"Your phone. You got a text message that say, 'Eva:

Why you be lying?' Who is that?"

He like, "Girl, you seeing things."

"Boy, you know I ain't seeing things.

It say that right there.

You crazy. Who is Eva?"

"Girl, I don't know what you talking about.

Ain't nothing right there." And then I grabbed the phone.

This is what you don't do, bitches:

never grab his phone, right?

And I text back super fast,

like--I was just like, "Why?"

And she texts back even faster,

like she's a professional text messenger,

"Because you said you was gonna give me some money

to get my nails and hair done tonight."

And I was like...

[gnarling]

"Who the fuck is Eva?!

Who is Eva? Why you be lying?

Who is Eva? Why you be lying?

Who is Eva? Who is Eva?

Why you be lying? Who is Eva?

Why you be lying?!"

He start choking the shit out of me.

I'm like, "Who is Eva?

Blue 43!

Who is Eva?" He's like,

"Bitch, why you not dying? Why you not--"

"'Cause I'm strong from the football cross-training.

My throat is strong, nigga.

Who the fuck is Eva?

I'm breathing through my pussy

from the synchronized swimming, motherfucker.

Who the fuck is Eva?"

Needless to say,

we not together no more.

We're not together.

Life got real hard for me after all that.

I became homeless.

I was homeless than a motherfucker, boy.

It was crazy too, 'cause I was, like, classy homeless.

Like, I kept my nails done, kept my hair done,

and I stayed with baby wipes. A bitch stay fresh.

'Cause I didn't want people to know that I was homeless,

and I used to be in my little Geo Metro.

That shit was packed out. But I was classy with mine.

I slept in real nice places.

I lived in Beverly Hills, bitch.

Kept it classy. Slept on Doheny.

Slept on Rodeo. I mean Rod-ay-o.

Sometimes I'd be on Canon.

Police would come, every morning about 7:00,

They would make me move.

It was like an alarm clock. It was cool.

I was like, "That's why I pay taxes.

Thank you, police.

I'ma go out and get this money, try to make it happen."

I remember I used to pull up to the comedy club to do jokes,

'cause that's where I was happy at--there on stage.

That's my happy place.

So I'd always pull up to the comedy club,

and I would get, like, free meals and drinks

and stuff, so it was dope.

I'd stay eating, and-- and I'd pull up to the club,

and I'd always pull up, like, five or ten minutes late

so the other comedians couldn't see all the shit

in my car and clown me, 'cause they would.

They would clown the fuck out of my ass.

And one night, I pulled up late,

and I was doing this show at the Laugh Factory,

and Kevin Hart-- he used to be on this show too--

and he pulled up right behind me,

and a part of me just wanted to hide

in the car--just tuck myself and just hide.

But I needed to get in, so I got out the car,

and I started walking in, and he was like,

"Yo, Haddish, what the fuck's all that shit in your car?

What's going on?" I was like, "Boy, please.

I'm just in between houses.

Mind your business."

And he's like, "What's going on with you, Tiff?

What's going on?"

I was like, "Nothing. I'm fine. Like, mind your own"--you know,

like when something really going on, you get a little attitude.

I was like, "Mind your business, nigga."

He's like, "After the show, we gonna have a conversation.

We need to talk, right?" And I was trying to, like,

dip up out of there after the show.

He caught me, though, and he's like,

"Tiffany, tell me what's up," and I was like,

"Man, I'm just--I'm homeless right now,

but I'ma be all right. I'm strong.

I'll be fine.

I got my--I got a roof over my head.

It's a Geo, but I'm good.

Like, I'm straight."

And he was like, "Tiff, like, you a pretty girl.

You a pretty girl. Why you not staying with somebody?

You could stay with somebody.

Like, what's wrong with your pussy?"

I was like, "Really, nigga?

So if I was a ugly chick, I'd deserve to be homeless?

Like, what are you saying?" Like...

He was like, "No, I'm just saying, you a pretty girl

and I'm sure any dude would love to,

like, you know, have you stay at they place.

You don't have to be in your car in the streets like that."

And I'm like, "Dude, look, I don't fuck people

for a roof over my head.

I fuck people to heal them.

I'm a healer.

I'm a motherfucking unicorn, okay?"

He was like, "Look, here go $300.

Find yourself a hotel room for the week."

I was like, "Kevin, where am I gonna find a hotel room

for $300 for a fucking week in L.A.?

Don't make no sense."

He was like, "You'll find something,

and I want you to make a list.

I want you to make a list of goals.

Write it out on a piece of paper.

Write out what you want to do with your life.

Write it out--a list of goals." And I was like, "All right."

So I was, like, trying to find a place

to stay for $300 for a week,

and then I was like, "Man, fuck that shit."

I got me a room right there off of Western

and Martin Luther King at the Snooty Fox.

Got me some shit by the hour, you know what I'm saying?

Like, "Fuck it, I got about four hours."

And, um... took me a shower and everything, got fresh,

and then I just start writing out my list.

And I was just like, "I want a place to stay, my own spot.

I want to work with powerful people

like Jada Pinkett and Will Smith,

and I want to do comedy for the rest of my life,

and I want to shoot a Showtime special,

and I just want to be powerful and unstoppable

when it comes to a female in the comedy game."

I wrote all this stuff out. And then the next day,

I get a phone call, and it's one of my comedy friends.

She's like, "Girl, I don't know what you did,

I don't know what's going on, but Kevin had called somebody,

and they called me, and they said they got a spot

for you right off of Montclair and Adams, bitch,

right over there-- right off of Crenshaw."

I was like, "For real?" She was like, "Yup,"

and I was like, "Well, let me go on over there."

So I go over there, right?

And, you know, if anybody knows Montclair

and Adams back in the day, it's like all the crackheads.

It was like "The Walking Dead" over there, right?

I was like, "Okay. I can deal with this.

I can handle this."

And then I pull up to the apartment building,

and there's bars everywhere,

and I was like, "It's safe.

It's secure."

The dude let me in the apartment,

and it was like the dirtiest, nastiest rug.

It had cigarette burns all in the carpet.

The walls was all yellow and stained and shit.

It was like brown shit coming out the ceiling.

The windows was all fucked up.

The blinds had burns in them.

It was horrible. Roaches everywhere.

It was baby roaches coming up out the stove,

like, "We're born! Yes!"

It was disgusting. Termites.

It was fucking nasty, and the dude's like,

"Do you want it?" I was like, "It's perfect.

I love it! I could see so much in here--so much potential.

The roof is good. I'm happy. I'm happy."

And he was like, "Well, look, it's $500 a month,

and it's a $500 deposit."

I was like, "Look, all I got-- all I got is $500.

How about I just give you everything that I got, and, um--

and I'll just fix everything up. You don't have to do nothing.

You ain't got to paint no walls; you ain't got to do nothing.

I'll fix everything." And he was like, "Bae."

and I was like, "Oh, my God, this is so awesome.

These little goals-- these things be working."

So I started writing more goals, like,

"I hope I can find some carpet,"

you know what I mean?

"I need mini blinds and something

to soften up these bars."

And I stayed there, and it was, like, amazing.

It was amazing to me, and I made it really nice,

and then, like, a year later,

I ended up booking this show called

"HBO's Def Comedy Jam,"

and I was on there with, like, Russell Simmons and them.

D.L. Hughley was hosting,

and he told me I was funny and stuff,

and then the director of the show comes over to me,

and he goes, "Yo, Tiffany, you're amazing, man.

You should come to our Super Bowl party.

We're having a Super Bowl party. You should come to it."

And I was like, "Bae, I would love to come to it."

And it's, like, so crazy how life go full circle,

'cause I pulled up to the house, and I was like,

"Oh, my God, I used to live right here!

This is amazing!

Right here on [inaudible]. I was living here for months!"

And he was like, "You ain't never lived here."

I said, "Yes, I did, like, a year and a half ago.

I lived right here in this place.

It's nice on the inside.

This is beautiful in here."

And he was like, "I've been here for years.

You ain't never lived here."

I said, "Yes, I did, in that car right there."

He was like, "Oh, shit. That was you?

I used to call the police every morning at 6:45

to get that piece of shit out of here."

I was like, "Man, thank you.

Thank you for waking me up every day.

I appreciate that.

Appreciate it."

And it's just crazy, like, how my life was going,

like, full circle,

and then I started to get, like--things was coming in,

but they was coming in slow, and I was getting, like, gigs,

but not really great gigs.

It wasn't, like, something to really, like, launch a career,

and it seemed like I kept getting pulled back

for some reason, and I don't know why.

And I just started to get really depressed.

I started getting really sad, y'all,

and it was like the census had came around.

Y'all know about the census?

That's when they come to your house and stuff

and they try to count how many black people live

in the neighborhood so they know

where to put the section eight and everything.

And the census that came to my house,

the numerator came knocking on my door--

this little--little white man with glasses.

He come knocking at my door, and he goes,

"Hello, I'm with the U.S. government.

I'm with the census, and we're taking a count,

and we just want to know

how many people live in this household."

And I was like, "It's just me. It's just me."

And he was like--

he was like, uh, "What's the nationality?"

And I was like, "American."

And he goes, "No, no, no. What's the race?"

And I was like, "Really, motherfucker?

Is that what we doing?

We bringing racism to my front door on this day

when I'm already not happy? What are you doing?

What are you, colorblind or something?"

And he was like, "Why, yes, I am.

I'm very colorblind." I was like, "Oh, shit."

And I had went back into my brain,

and I had, like, a "That's So Raven" moment, right?

And I had a whole conversation with myself, like,

"Girl, this is your chance."

"What do you mean this is my chance?"

"Obama said it's time for change."

"He did say it's time for change."

"Well, you could be whatever you want to be."

"Well, what should I be?"

"Well, you got a car, and you know a gang of Asians."

"You right. I do got a car, and I do know a gang of Asians."

"Well, put that shit together, girl."

"I'm car-casian."

And he said, "Great," and he checked the White box,

and my life has been fantastic ever since, y'all.

Oh, my God, it is so awesome being white.

It is so fucking cool.

Three days after I became a white woman on paper,

my credit score went up by 300 points, okay?

It is so awesome. Like, look.

Last year, I slept with 87 dudes.

Nobody called me ho or nothing. They said I was an entrepreneur.

I'm a businesswoman, okay? This right here?

You could write this off on your taxes, yo.

Write your house off on your taxes.

Six inches of office space.

We have meetings.

I had to measure it for the taxes.

One of my friends, she got mad at me.

"Oh, my God, Tiffany, how could you do this,

run around here telling people you a white woman?

You turning your back on our people."

I said, "Honey, I am not turning my back on anybody.

If anything, I figured out the key to the matrix, bitch.

Check a different box."

You could be whatever the fuck you want to be.

This is America. This is why people come

from all over the world to be in this country,

'cause only in America

can you be whatever the fuck you want to be.

When a white man can wear five gold medals,

add some titties, keep his dick,

and win woman of the year, and ain't even been a woman

a whole year,

you can be whatever the fuck you want to be in America.

When a white woman can teach African-American studies,

be the president of the NAACP,

wear her hair kinky as fuck,

tell everybody she black, fuck all these black dudes,

and don't nobody say shit until her mama

and daddy tell on her,

you can be whatever the fuck you want to be in America.

My cousin--straight up--

my cousin--true story-- two-time felon.

Could not get a job nowhere.

Could not--two-time felon.

Could not get a job.

I told her, "Check the white box and see what happens."

She now works for Homeland Security, y'all.

You can be whatever the fuck you want to be.

Donald Trump is the president.

You can be whatever the fuck--

you could go onstage and be like,

"Yeah, get those motherfuckers out of here!"

And now you the president?

Fuck it. Who knows?

In five years, I could very well

become the next leader of the KKK.

And wouldn't that be some shit?

I'ma tell you right now, a lot of things

are gonna change about the KKK.

If I run it, it's gonna be a lot of things that are different.

First off, we're not gonna wear them hoods,

'cause that fuck your hairline up.

That's why they be going bald up in here.

Hate make your hairline disappear.

So we gonna wear do-rags,

'cause that make your hair lay nice and keep it moist.

And only rich people can be in the KKK.

Only rich people, so it's gonna be full of Asians.

And I would change this too.

We wouldn't do this right here if I was running the KKK.

We wouldn't do this.

Uh-uh. 'Cause this fuck your rotator cuff up.

This right here fuck up your rotator.

We would do like this. "Ay!"

'Cause that's a full-body workout right there.

And we wouldn't say "white power";

we'd say "white magic," what?

'Cause I'm into Harry Potter.

That's what I'm into.

I'm into magic, man. I'm into magic.

And now that I've been, like--like,

I feel like my whole life has been magical.

And there's been parts of my life

that's been really fucked up,

and now, like, I'm so particular about who I date.

Like, I don't want to just date anybody.

I can't just date anybody.

I want to date dudes that have an inheritance.

I think that's important.

I really do think that's very important,

'cause that means you got people that love and care about you.

Somebody cares so much about you,

they set it up so that you can have something

when they go, you know what I'm saying?

When they go down, you go up.

I'm with that.

I'm with that. I like that shit.

And it's just, I feel like your values are different

when you know that you got something coming to you

once your parents--like, yeah, I just feel like that's better.

And I want that. And I believe the saying.

They say, "White man die, he leave a will;

black man die, he leave a bill."

And I think that shit is so true.

I hate to say it out loud, but I think it's true.

I had an uncle pass away not too long ago in his late 80s.

You would think after being on this planet for 80-some years,

you would have left something--a piece of land,

a few hundred thousand dollars in a bank account--something.

This motherfucker didn't leave us nothing

but newspapers and a cast-iron skillet from slavery.

And we know that it was from slavery,

'cause we took it to the "Antiques Roadshow"

and made some money off of that shit, so that's cool.

It was messed up, though, 'cause I don't know

if you know this about black people,

but when somebody passes away in the family

and there's no money to bury him,

they do fundraisers-- fundraisers galore.

They'll do fish dinners, chicken frys.

They'll try to throw, like, a little get-together,

something to get everybody to donate,

get the church to donate. They'll do car washes.

And that's the worst, when you see

your Auntie Gladys out there washing cars,

and you know this bitch is too fat to wear a two-piece.

I just could see it. It looked horrible.

And it's so crazy, 'cause they raised up enough money

to get the casket, to get his suit,

to have the ceremony and everything,

but they didn't have enough money

to buy the land to bury him.

They didn't have enough money to put him in the ground.

So they come to me, 'cause they like,

"Well, Tiff, you been on a few shows.

You know, you got some money.

Can you, you know, go--let's-- we need you to bury Uncle."

And I'm like, "Um, he never really did much for me in life.

I don't know why y'all would even come at me like that.

I mean, he let me go to the foster home and everything.

I mean, like, what the fuck.

Like, why would I--that don't make no sense.

Like, we used to get sandwiches and stuff at Subway together,

and he made me pay for them,

so I really feel like I did my part.

Can we just-- can we just cremate him?

Let's just cremate him and put him in a sandwich bag.

He loved sandwiches.

Put some tomatoes in there, a little turkey meat.

He love that shit. Like, let's just do that."

"You can't do that. That's sacrilegious.

Don't do that. We got to put him in the ground.

We got to put him in the ground."

And they bullied me, and they pressured me,

and then finally I was just like, "Fuck it."

I did it, and it was my whole savings--

my whole fucking savings,

'cause if you want to bury somebody in L.A.,

be ready, bitch, 'cause that's a down payment on a house.

It is no joke buying that little piece of grave.

And I was like, "Oh, my God, my first piece of land.

I'm a landowner now.

But it got a dead body in it, though."

Can't build no house on that.

That shit would be like-- what is it, "Poltergeist"?

That funeral was beautiful, though.

But nobody cried like I cried.

'Cause I had the most to lose in that motherfucker.

I lost.

I was like, "Oh, it's too soon!

It's too soon! Why?

It was way too soon for my savings account.

Why?"

Two months later, my lights got cut off.

I'm in the dark, he in the dark.

This is not fair. I'm alive.

This motherfucker's dead.

No fair.

Can't get no return on that investment, man.

Let another family member die.

Uncle gonna have a roommate, I'll tell you that much.

But because of that, I realized

I needed to have my shit together.

I needed to have my stuff together,

'cause I would never want to put nobody

in the family through that.

I would never want nobody to have to go

through what I went through.

So I went ahead... I went ahead,

and I got all my shit together.

I got--'cause I want to be fly.

When I die, I'ma be the cutest motherfuckin' dead person, okay?

So I got a little girl in cosmetology school right now

so she can whip my shit up real nice, okay?

'Cause I'm pretty sure I'ma be old.

I'm pretty sure I'ma be old,

and, um, I want to be butt naked.

That's my goal: be butt fucking naked,

and I want long mermaid hair

to cover me up all the way down to here.

I already bought the hair off of Facebook, so it's good.

Got that shit in a plastic bag

just waiting, and it's gonna be long.

It's about 72 inches, bitch.

It's long.

And then I want a-- I got a throne.

I'ma be in the throne. I'ma be on this throne, right?

And it's gonna be at a nightclub in Hollywood.

I already rented the space. It's done.

So it's whatever.

I'm there, okay?

And I'ma be sitting in the throne

with the long mermaid hair,

and it's gonna be like an under the sea theme, right?

And my arm gonna be moving like this.

I'm gonna have the string on my arm,

and it's gonna move my arm like this right here.

And I'm gonna have a hologram on my face.

I already did the video, so it's gonna be a hologram

on my dead face of my live face,

and I'm gonna be like, "Turn up, y'all!

And don't cry! I'm so motherfucking happy right now!

Y'all party! Have fun on me!

Turn up! Yeah!

We playing all the hits!"

Like...

that's what I want,

and then I want to be cremated,

and I want my ashes to be buried

at this plum tree that I got in a pot right now.

And it's gonna be really big,

and I'm just gonna move that plum tree wherever I move to,

'cause, like, right now, I'm in South Central,

but I know I'm gonna move somewhere else better,

'cause my career gonna have to get--it got to get better.

And so I'm gonna take that tree with me,

and I'ma put it in bigger pots,

and then I want my ashes to be in that plum tree,

and then a year later, when the tree becomes fruitful,

I want everybody that loved me

and cared about me to eat from that fruit.

I want them to eat the fruit from that tree,

'cause then I will be doing what Genesis says.

I will be being fruitful,

'cause I don't think I'm gonna have no kids,

so I'ma be fruitful that way,

and then I'm gonna get inside of everybody body when they eat me.

I just want to be inside of them for 24 hours.

That's it.

I think that's fuckin' beautiful.

I don't give a fuck.

I think it's beautiful.

My neck is so strong, I fuckin' broke my choker.

Can't nobody choke me, not even you, choker!

My life changed a lot, man.

My life has changed so drastically.

Like, almost everything that was on that list

has come true--almost every single thing.

Like, uh, I got to do--I'm on this TV show right now called

"The Carmichael Show" that comes on NBC.

I did a movie with Key and Peele called "Keanu,"

and I was the leading lady in that movie.

I didn't even realize-- I didn't even realize

I was the leading lady until, like, we was done.

I was like, "Dang, I worked a lot of days on this one.

That's crazy."

And then I just booked this movie called "Girls Trip,"

starring Regina Hall, Queen Latifah,

and Jada Pinkett Smith,

and myself, right?

And this had to be the most amazing moment of my life.

This is like the most amazing moment so far,

to be able to work with these women

who I watched, who I admire,

and, like, dang, I had put Jada's name

on that list, and then boom, there she was,

and I'm working with her, and I'll never forget this.

One day, we was standing outside the trailers.

We was in New Orleans shooting this movie,

and it was, like, 90 degrees at 7:00 a.m.

Hot as fuck in New Orleans,

'cause I think that's where the devil landed

when he got kicked out of heaven.

Pretty sure that's where he landed.

And we were standing out there talking,

and I was--I had my little purse on my shoulder.

Now, this purse--it looked like a Michael Kors purse,

but I had got it from the Slauson,

so you know it ain't no real Michael Kors purse.

But I'm a firm believer in never having a bag that you can,

like--I feel like any bag that you have as a woman,

you should be able to keep that amount of money.

Like, however much the bag is worth,

that's how much money you should be able to keep

in that bag at all times.

I'm a firm believer in that.

So I had my little $35 Michael Kors bag,

'cause I could keep $35 in it at all times, right?

So I'm standing there with my bag,

and it had MKs all over it,

and just a little bitty "L" in the middle

so you couldn't tell.

It was a knockoff, but you couldn't tell.

Like, you had to look to see. You had to look, look!

Look!

I had the bag on.

We talking and stuff. We laughing.

I lean back, laugh, "Ha ha ha,"

and the little lock on the bag, little Michael Kors lock,

just melted off and hit the ground,

and was like, "Tink, tink, tink, tink."

And I was looking at it hit the--like, "Boom, boom boom,"

and then Jada and Queen Latifah

was like, "What the fuck?"

And I was like...

And Jada goes,

"Um, Tiffany, what kind of bag is that?"

And I was like, "This?

Girl, this a Martin Luther King bag.

'Free at last, free at last.'

We breaking the chains in this thing, girl.

That's what this bag is."

She was like, "Tiffany,

you cannot be walking around here

with knockoff bags anymore.

You have to wear designer stuff.

You--when this movie come out,

you gonna be considered an A-list actress,

and you cannot be walking around here with fake shit."

And I was like, "Well, until I can afford

the real shit, I'ma be rocking the fake shit.

And I have no problem with that, Jada."

She's like, "Well, you should.

You need to know who the designers are.

Who are your favorite designers?"

I was like, "Whosever in the Slauson."

She's like, "No, Tiffany, no.

No, look, Tiff.

Look, this is what I'm gonna do for you, Tiffany.

Look, I got a private jet. I'm flying to L.A. this weekend.

You should fly with me."

I was like, "What? On a private jet?

You want me to get with you on a private jet?

This is crazy. Oh, my God. Who else is going?"

She was like, "It's gonna be me, Queen, Regina probably a go,"

and I was like, "And is that it?" She's like,

"Yeah, that's pretty much it." I was like, "Mmm.

I'm sorry, I can't take that flight."

She was like, "What? Why?"

I was like, "Aaliyah. Never forget."

She was like, "What?"

I was like, "I seen 'La Bamba,' bitch. I know what they do.

As soon as you get, like, right up in here,

they take your motherfucking ass out.

I'm not going." She was like, "Are you crazy?"

I was like, "Bitch, I might be.

It ain't enough white people on that flight.

I'm a white woman now. I can't just get on that flight.

Not gonna knock me out the sky."

She was like, "Tiffany, you--you a nut,"

and I was like, "Oh, well."

She came to L.A. She came back, right?

And she brought me a bag.

Oh, my God, she gave me a Givenchy bag, y'all.

I was like, "What?

This is crazy."

And she left the tag in it. It said it was $1,200.

I was like, "Bitch, you are so nice.

Oh, my God. I'm finna pawn this right away.

This is gonna pay my light bill for the rest of the year.

You are so kind."

She was like, "Tiffany, you cannot pawn that bag.

That is bad luck. You cannot pawn the bag."

I was like, "What do you mean it's bad luck?"

She's like, "You can't just get rid of a gift like that.

You have to use it for a little while,

and then you can give it to somebody else if you want to."

I was like, "Oh, is that what rich people do?

Oh, I didn't know that."

And she was like, "Tiffany, you have to use the bag."

So I been using it, right? For about six months.

And then I went ahead and put that shit on

OfferUp, let's go, and boom, got double the price.

The crazy thing about that bag, though,

about that Givenchy-- it had a dog--like,

it had a mean-ass Rottweiler on the front of it.

I was like, "What?" I was like, "Jada, why is there such--like,

why you got this mean-ass dog on the front of it?

What's that supposed to mean?"

She goes, like, "Tiff, look,

I know you can't afford security,

so I figured that'd keep the niggas off you."

"Good looking out, Jada.

Good looking out."

And then-- and then Jada was like,

"Tiff, what you doing this weekend?"

I said, "Girl, I ain't doing nothing."

She said, "You want to come to dinner with me and Will?"

I was like, "You and Will Smith?

Yes! Yes, I want to come to dinner."

And I put on my best Facebook dress that I had got.

It took seven weeks-- took seven weeks for me

to get that $22 dress,

and I ordered a medium, but it turns out it

was like a Korean medium,

so the buttons were stressed the fuck out,

but I felt good about it and went to dinner.

And it was, like, super dope,

and we're eating and everything,

and I'm just, like, tripping out, 'cause I'm like,

"I'm sitting across from the Fresh Prince."

I just want to do the running man and shit, like...

And they're talking to me, and I'm talking back,

and I'm trying to be as classy as possible,

'cause I had took a etiquette class on YouTube,

so I was...

doing my best.

And then Jada goes, "Tiff, what you--what you doing tomorrow?"

And I was like, "Girl, I got me a Groupon to a swamp tour,

so that's what I'm doing."

And she was like, "For real?

Who are you going with?" I said, "I'm going by myself."

She was like, "All by yourself?" And I was like, "Yeah.

It's a swamp tour. I'm going by myself.

I don't have no friends out here in New Orleans."

She was like, "Girl, we should go with you."

I was like, "Aw, that'd be nice."

She was like, "Yeah, we going with you."

I was like, "Girl, you not going with me.

You know how you famous people do, say you gonna do something,

but then you don't do it." And she was like,

"No, we're gonna go." I was like, "Yeah, right."

So the next day come about, right?

And, um, I'm like--it's 12:00, and I'm like,

"Shit, they ain't really gonna go.

They ain't called me yet."

And I smoked some of the best weed ever.

I had imported--I had imported it from L.A., right?

So it's the finest weed.

It was called Charlie Sheen.

I was fucked up. I'm telling you, I was like,

"I just want to get as high as possible so

when I'm out here on this swamp,

I can hear the alligators talking to me and shit.

The birds gonna be singing; the raccoons gonna wave at me.

I'm gonna feel like I'm in a Disney movie.

It's gonna be beautiful.

Yeah."

And then, at about 12:45, I get a phone call from Jada,

and she's like, "Hey, Tiff.

Um, you still going on that swamp tour?"

I said, "Yeah, girl. [coughs] Yeah, I'm going."

She said, "Well, what time are you leaving?" I said,

"I'm gonna leave probably about 1:30 or whatever."

She said, "Well, me and Will gonna go with you."

I was like, "What? For real?"

She was like, "Yeah."

I was like, "Okay, cool.

But look, since y'all got dinner last night, don't even trip.

I'm gonna get your Groupon.

It's never nothing, you know?

Y'all looked out with dinner; I got your Groupon."

And she was like, "What?

Okay. Whatever."

And she was like, "Meet us at the hotel."

I was like, "No problem." So then I get myself together.

I try to sober up, do some jumping jacks,

and drink water.

"All right, I can drive."

And I jump in my little $20-a-day rental car, right?

And I drive over to they hotel,

and I'm thinking I'm just gonna give my keys to the valet

and jump in they SUV with them and they security and shit

and be doing it big-time, right?

So when I pull up, I'm, like,

trying to hand the keys to the valet,

but Will Smith come running out the hotel like he in

"Bad Boys 7" and slide in the backseat of my rental.

I'm like, "What the fuck?"

And he's like, "Man, it's been years

since I've been in a regular car.

This is pretty cool."

And Jada gets in.

She's like, "Oh, my God, there's no tinted windows.

This is dangerous.

I don't know if I feel comfortable with this."

And I was like, "Damn, Jada, you from Baltimore. For real?"

So we go, and, like, we take off, right?

And I'm driving, and in my mind, I'm doing like this.

I'm just leaning back and I'm rolling.

That's what I'm thinking is happening in my mind.

The next day, Jada said I was all on the wheel like this,

and I was like, "Of course I was on the wheel like this, Jada,

'cause all I'm thinking to myself is,

'Ooh, Tiffany, be as safe as possible.

You don't want to be the bitch on TMZ

that killed the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.'"

And every time I'm looking up in the rear-view,

I just see Will Smith like,

and I'm like...

"There's $280 million in the backseat

of my $20-a-day rental.

What the fuck?

My life is fucking amazing."

And then I pull up--pull up to the swamp tour, right?

I pull up, and it's like 100--

it's like 100 white people out there, right?

And there's only one boat.

I pull up.

There's only one boat and 100 white people,

and Jada's like, "Um, Tiffany, what the fuck is this?"

I said, "What, Jada? It's the Cajun Swamp Tour."

She's like, "Why is there so many people out here?"

I said, "Girl, it's a Groupon. They probably got Groupons."

"Tiffany, what the fuck is a Groupon?"

"Jada, you don't know what a Groupon is?

What do you think a Groupon is, Jada?"

"I thought it meant you had your own boat

that you could take a group of people on, Tiffany."

I was like, "Jada--Jada,

why would I have my own boat, Jada?

I got a Martin Luther King bag.

That don't even make no sense."

We go on the swamp tour, and it was beautiful,

but when we first went on the boat, right?

We first get to the boat--everybody

start clapping and cheering, right?

And I had walked on first, and I was like, "Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, yeah. I really appreciate this."

And everyone was like, "Not you, bitch.

Will! Jada!" And I was like, "Aw.

That's fucked-up. I'm white, y'all.

I'm white.

These is niggas."

They was all trying to take pictures of Will,

and Jada was trying to take pictures and stuff,

and Will stands up.

He goes, "Look. Look, everybody.

This is the Cajun Swamp Tour,

not the Will Smith Tour, so let's just enjoy ourselves,

see what we can see, learn what we can learn,

and at the end of the tour, if we're in the mood,

we'll take pictures with everybody.

Is that okay with you guys?

Is that all right with you guys?"

And everybody's like, "Yay! Hey, yeah!"

And they cheering and clapping and laughing,

and I'm like, "This is some bullshit right here.

He didn't even say nothing funny.

I've been working all these years to be funny.

He didn't say shit. Is this what money do?

I need money."

So we enjoying ourselves on this tour.

It's beautiful, and we just really enjoying ourselves,

and then Will leans over to me.

He looks at me, and he goes, "Man, Tiff,

I'm gonna have to get me one of these."

I was like, "One of these little ferry boats?"

He was like, "No, no, no. I'm gonna get a swamp."

Did this nigga just say he about to buy a ecosystem?

Niggas with choices. Niggas with choices.

They ended up becoming my friends, man,

and I've had so much fun,

like, getting to know them, and it's, like, so crazy.

They invited me to their house, right?

And I remember pulling up to their house

and the gate opening.

I felt like I was entering Jurassic Park,

you know what I mean? It's so fuckin' beautiful.

Music start playing.

And I was like, "This is awesome."

And then, like, I was hanging out,

and their sons were there,

and all I could think to myself is, like,

"Oh, my God, I hope that, like,

one of their sons see me and, like,

start feeling me and fall in love with me.

And then, like, I do it to them,

and then I get pregnant, and we get married,

and then Will and Jada will be my mom and dad,

and that's every foster kid's dream come true, you know?"

And then I would inherit a swamp and shit.

Like, that would be so dope.

Like, I try to find the beauty in everything, though,

and I think that's super important, you guys.

Find the beauty in every single moment.

If you can find the dopeness in it, find it,

'cause it's--we so lucky to get to live.

We so lucky to get to have experiences.

And before I leave up out of here, I want to do one thing.

I want to just do one thing.

I want to curse every single one of you.

I want to curse every single person

that's watching this right now.

I curse you with all the happiness

and joy you can fuckin' handle.

I hope you become so motherfucking happy

that you become contagious.

I hope your happiness becomes so contagious that

when you enter a room,

other motherfuckers get happy to see your ass.

I hope that you become so fucking happy

you sneeze joy, bitch.

I hope you shit success.

I hope you fucking just be so happy.

I curse y'all with that.

I curse everybody in here

and everybody watching this with that.

My name is Tiffany Haddish.

Thank you so much for being here tonight.

[cheers and applause]

Y'all be safe, and if you not safe, name it after me.

Tiffany Haddish. Goodnight.

♪ hip-hop music ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Make it rain on this boo. My jokes are so deadly ♪

♪ What? ♪

♪ My workload's so heavy ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ My paychecks are steady ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ I'm repping. She ready ♪ ♪ That part ♪

♪ She is ready from the hood to Hollywood ♪

♪ She is ready from the hood to Hollywood ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ She is ready from the hood to Hollywood ♪

♪ She is ready from the hood to Hollywood ♪

Let's go.