Original subtitles

I'm divorcing you.

No, he is a blue beard, Miss Nup.

Are they departed?

No man emerges his wives.

You've got to get that money to me by tomorrow or opening night is closing night.

I'll get it, Harrods.

One way or another.

I do hope you will keep my little secret.

It could be very awkward.

Made your own?

No, no, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No.

No.

No, no.

No, no.

No.

NO.

The village of Transylvania always seemed that scared.

What happened, huh?

Now Barney.

Flipped.

Just plain wigged out.

Well, that had to happen.

I mean, sitting up there all hours at a night

writing those creepy mysteries.

Happened to anybody, it's not your fault.

Now Barney, no one has, as you so delicately put it, wigged out.

We're in full possession of all our marbles.

Sure you are.

I mean, everybody dresses like that.

Where we're going tonight, yes.

We're going to a film premiere.

That's the Michael Bastion horror festival.

The Michael Bastion?

That actor that does all those spooky pictures?

Hardly just that actor, Barney.

Michael Bastion's a famous star.

And done anything in a long time.

That's precisely the point.

And now someone's had a perfectly marvelous idea.

They're going to revive all the films that

made Michael Bastion what he is today.

You're not a work actor.

Be damned.

Oh, Jesus.

Here we go.

That is him.

Rakke Federation.

Thank you.

Thank you, dear friends.

You're so very kind.

Oh, thank you.

Bless your little heart.

Thanks so much.

Good luck, my God.

Thank you.

God bless you all.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good luck, Mr. Bastion.

Oh, hello.

Great success, Michael.

Thank you.

Amen.

Have a little consideration.

These are my friends.

Oh, is that what they are?

Where have they been hiding all these years?

Michael?

Good luck.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Michael, congratulations, Amanda.

Well, Sissy, it's good of you to come.

I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, I'm sure I shall.

Thank you.

Couldn't you smile, Amanda?

It would help.

Sounds.

It's going to go splendidly.

It's going to be a smash.

I feel it in my bones.

Sounds.

The word hasn't been used since DW Griffith.

You know, it's odd.

I'm the vampire, but it's your fangs that are showing, dear.

Good evening, cousin Amanda.

Bastion?

Welcome.

Thank you, man.

Thanks.

Thank you, Mr. Lewis.

I'm Mr. Bastion's entrepreneur and your greatest fan.

That's very kind of you.

This is my sister, Mrs. Nicholson.

How do you do, Mrs. Lewis?

I'm very happy to meet you.

Michael will be so delighted.

He was around here a moment ago.

Look for a vampire.

Probably recognize him.

I see lots of vampires.

We'll look for the one who's taking the bowels.

How long do you intend to take him bowels?

Oh, Amanda.

Well, make the most of it.

While it lasts.

You've been doing that all evening.

Doing what?

What have I been doing all evening?

It is something harmless.

I think the word is sensible.

Amanda, if you have something to say, say it and get it over with.

A queue line, if ever I heard one.

Well, hold on to your fright, with my love.

It's very simple.

I'm divorcing you.

Amanda, you're radish.

You too, Michael.

Hey, I'm Charlie.

Thank you.

Your program.

Oh, thank you very much.

Please.

Just wait a minute.

Just wait a minute.

Here we go.

Ladies, Michael Bastia.

Michael, you don't recognize me.

Boris Carla?

It's your nester.

Oh, your nester.

You look enchanting.

A lot of water under the bridge since Hollywood, Michael.

Oceans of a dear lady.

But time has been a friend to you and not the enemy.

You said that in your last film.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Yes, I did.

My sister, Grendelin Snoop Nicholson, a Michael Bastian buff.

I've never missed one of your movies.

Well, we have a lot in common.

Either of them.

Oh, may I present my wife, Amanda?

Will anyone take their seats, please?

Time to get the show on the road.

This way, please.

This way, please.

Thank you.

Tell me, though, Amanda.

I mean, why should you want to divorce me?

Because I've had enough to hear with you.

Your gourmet cooking in your African root gardening,

and particularly your very expensive taste.

Perhaps we're being hasty, maybe we're not.

I'm not a good guy.

I'm not a good guy.

I'm not a good guy.

I'm not a good guy.

Perhaps we're being hasty, maybe later over champagne,

we could discuss it calmly.

Discuss it with Alwyn Shanks, my lawyer.

I told him to stop proceedings.

But, Amanda, what am I going to do without you?

You mean without my money?

Perhaps I could learn to economize.

Learn with someone else.

I canceled all your charter comes this afternoon.

You can't do that to me.

Come on, the movie started.

You're Mr. Best Part.

The credits.

I'm not a good guy.

It's ten bucks a while spent.

Why?

Don't want to scream.

You mean you're planted a shill?

Naturally, we're going for big stakes, Michael.

We'll get a rest of the werewolf.

We'll get to the best trainers in town.

Listen, there's things we should talk about.

Let's say you're fifteen minutes before this thing ends.

Walk out of my own performance.

Okay, let's say you're five minutes before this thing ends.

But the end is the very best part.

Oh, yes.

In the washroom.

Ha.

Gr

Well Lawrence, what's important enough to make me miss the last night?

You realize what my bills are at this point? I got a mountain among my deaths about $18,000 worth of beer bag of tail my dear boy.

To a man with a rich wife maybe, but not to me. Things seem a little chilly between you and Amanda tonight.

There's nothing wrong is there? Of course not. A lover is stiff.

Nothing wrong. Good. Because I'll need your half of the money by tomorrow or there'll be no festival.

Tomorrow? Yes. Talk to Amanda. You've got to get that money to me by tomorrow or opening night.

It's closing night. I'll get it, Lawrence. One way or another?

I'll get it.

I was wrong. I remember it as being terrible. It's worse than that.

The picture doesn't quite hold up. If anybody has to pay to see it, that's all the older.

Congratulations Michael. Thank you.

He's still there. I don't know what to say to him. I think we can get away with good night.

Well dear ladies, time has done our film. No disservice hasn't.

Oh Michael. What it was then it is now. Did you find it entertaining Mrs. Nicholson?

Please call me Gee. Everyone does. Yes. Very entertaining and a little frightening too.

Frightening? Did you really? There are many kinds of fright.

Yes. How true. How true. But it's no better. We'll discuss it all over a small champagne dinner.

Oh no Michael. We really couldn't. Oh of course you can. We must celebrate to the hill.

Now if you'll excuse me just one moment while I go find Amanda. Just listen.

All right Amanda, I get the point. My performance bored you.

Oh come on. One actor in the family is quite enough don't you think?

Oh look love I know you're not asleep. So don't be rich.

Well my impression was they were having an argument.

Mm-hmm. Anything else?

Well it sounds kind of incriminating out of context but Michael said to me that he'll get the money.

One way or the other.

All right thank you. We'll be in touch with you Mr. Porzky.

Mr. Bastian? Lieutenant I was I was hoping there wouldn't be any more questions.

I was hoping you could add something. Can you Miss Brian? No.

Mr. Brian? My brother sat next to me all evening. Far right hand side about the center of the theater.

Mr. Standish? Murder Amanda we were blood red at ends.

The questions have to be asked Mr. Standish.

I was in the back of the theater on the side and I'm fall-asided.

Thank you. If you'll excuse me a moment.

Steven? Ladies really someday you must tell me how you manage it.

Manage what Steven? Showing up at all my homicides.

We're invited dear. Unfortunately.

Well I'm sure there's a logic in there somewhere. I saw Barney outside with the car. You're free to go.

One question first Steven. If it will help speed you on your way.

That group over there who are they? With Michael.

The woman is Sissy Prine. Amanda's personal secretary.

The young man is her brother David Prine. The other man is Lionel Standish.

The dead woman's cousin. Good night ladies. Lieutenant please. I can vouch for these ladies.

They're dear friends of mine. Thank you. Mine too.

Oh but that was very gallant of you Michael.

Mr. Bastian I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me.

Lieutenant I thought I'd answered all the questions.

Uh-huh. We haven't even warmed up yet. Home. Home.

You know what I think dear? I think I do do. So. Who is this?

You must convince Steven of that.

He would exactly welcome us. He told us to go straight home.

He'll be glad to see us when we bring in new evidence.

We don't have any new evidence.

So either time we get there we will.

Thank you Lieutenant for allowing me to remove my makeup.

This is humiliating enough as it is.

Oh hand me some tissues please.

Then you admit the weapon is yours huh?

Oh you can sir. Haven't I said so?

It was from my collection. It played a very important role in one of my old films.

It's nothing more than a sentimental trinket.

Ah hah. Murder weapon now Mr. Bastion.

Oh what do I have to do to make you see Lieutenant?

It was on display and by home anybody could have taken it.

Oh is there no humanity anymore?

Humanity. What's that got to do with this?

I am a grieving widower of but a few hours duration.

Give me that towel please.

You see before you?

A victim Lieutenant.

I think you got your victims mixed up.

Where pray could you find a more natural suspect?

Always the villain on that great silver screen.

The ghoul the will wolf the mad torturer.

Evil incarnate so to speak.

Mr. Bastion I've never seen any of your films.

That is the unkindest cut of all.

Yes well now can we stick with the off screen facts please.

Do you have any witch hazel?

Witch hazel? Never mind. Never mind where where are we.

With the facts and they're very simple.

Opportunity comes first in a murder case Mr. Bastion.

You certainly ranked number one there don't you?

Is that next to your wife all evening in the theater?

Ah but you forget any number of people passed down that road during that evening?

All it would take is one quick thrust.

I'm aware of that.

But I wasn't aware of this.

I thought I told you two ladies to go home.

We have some new evidence here that we think could prove Michael's innocence.

Oh bless you dear ladies.

Illuse the date.

Oh we prefer Stephen to speak to you in private.

Please excuse us Michael.

We are convinced that Michael didn't know Amanda was dead.

After the movie he invited us to have champagne with the two of them.

He was very sincere.

That's it? That's your evidence?

Oh come on ladies he's an actor he could have been acting.

If he had tried to act dear he couldn't have done it that well.

He's not very good you know.

Well it's conjecture in theory. I deal with facts.

Well am I free? I'm afraid none.

But I had no motive Lieutenant.

I gained nothing from dear Amanda's.

She assured me that I'm completely cut out of her will.

Will check it.

Now are you going to hold him?

The thought had occurred to me and G.S.

A mistake Stephen.

You would wound an already grieving man Lieutenant when a simple phone call would clear him.

A phone call a hoo.

Our winshank, Amanda's lawyer. He'll bear me out.

I am not in that will.

Look here Lieutenant.

Here here's his phone number.

His home phone number please Lieutenant.

Every prisoner is allowed one call.

Make this one mine.

Hello.

Yes Lieutenant what can I do for you?

The will?

Yes I remember distinctly.

All right thank you for your cooperation Mr. Shanks.

Sorry to disturb you.

According to Mr. Shanks there are three major heirs to Mrs. Bastions will.

He receives $150,000 as does Lionel Stantis, Amanda's cousin.

And the third?

You Mr. Bastion.

You receive $300,000.

But that's impossible.

It's a plot to destroy me.

There's another will. A later one.

Amanda took great pleasure in showing it to me.

Yes well I'm sure your lawyer can handle that for you.

For the moment I'm calling it a motive.

I'm booking you Mr. Bastion murder one.

Murder one.

A straw ski.

Yeah.

I'll be right back.

I just don't understand it.

I want Shanks.

He is Amanda's lawyer you know.

Well he's trying to send me to the gallows.

Either by lying or using a will that can't possibly be genuine.

Oh dear ladies I have no one else to turn to.

I am innocent I swear it and you know what I'm saying.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to turn to. I am innocent I swear it and you can help me prove it.

Only you.

Just tell us how Michael.

Well I know that there is a copy of that will in the safe at my house.

I've seen it. It proves that I inherit nothing and therefore had no motive to harm her.

If you would just go to my house and get that will out of the safe.

I'll make you a diagram.

Break into a safe Michael. That's illegal.

No no no not breaking. I know the combination.

Dearest ladies.

You are an innocent man's only chance.

I fling myself on your mercy.

How do we get into the house Michael?

Here's the key.

Now only be very careful not to be discovered.

By whom? Sissy.

Amanda's personal secretary and her brother David.

Go early in the morning.

They'll be in town then doing their weekly shopping.

Why are you worried about them?

Well somebody murdered Amanda.

And they both had a good reason.

Sissy was in Amanda's will substantially and well David was Amanda's lover I think.

I know he was.

I'll never myself at eight o'clock in the morning.

Maybe that's an advantage.

How much father Barney?

Oh no a couple of miles.

Should be there any minute.

Here we are.

I hope Michael is right and no one is home.

I don't want to be.

There's no.

We were here you weren't.

We'll call back Elias exterminators.

Good. Now where is home?

Good luck Barney.

We'll stay outside and keep a lookout.

I do hope Barney doesn't take too long.

Uh oh too long.

Who are you? What do you want?

We just left you a note.

A note? We're the exterminators.

The exterminators.

What company is that?

The Elias exterminators. That's our husband's business.

But he's tied up in rodents.

And what with the difficulty of getting good help these days?

Oh alright I'll let you in the house.

No. No we don't want to go in.

We're outside exterminators.

If you think you need exterminating inside you'd better get another company.

If you want to show us around the grounds we might just find the clue as to where these little creatures originate.

David can do it. I have work to do.

Where will you be if we need you?

In the kitchen. Good.

You seem to be termite free but I've seen several mice.

Where? We'll have to set traps and fumigate. We'll have one of our men out here tomorrow. Thank you for your business.

He's still watching us.

I regret that the note we found at the door didn't place us in a more likely profession.

By the results the roost was affected at least it had David out of the house.

Oh dear. You don't suppose Barney ran into difficulties.

Sissy. Unfortunately we're in a rather unfortunate position.

With David there we can't stay and without Barney we can't leave.

That does narrow one's options.

We have to find a way of stalling without creating suspicion.

I just had a thought. You could do your faint. Oh I faint so poorly. That's true dear.

Car trouble? Excellent.

He's on a bar to only David.

What's wrong?

Well it seems to be the... do you know what a krelden is?

A krelden? I've never even heard of one.

Oh dear. You are our last hope.

Well maybe you're not getting any sparks.

Oh no. We've got plenty of that.

Fred it's the krelden dear. Not again.

Right so. No idea. The trouble has given us.

They just don't make them like they used to.

We're beginning to suspect planned obsolescence.

Look why don't I check your spark?

Oh no. Only bonded mechanic can touch the motor. It's in our contract.

Contract? Our contract with sub-bonded mechanics of America, the B.M. of A.

Never affirm about these things. Fred it's the B.M. of A again dear.

Oh dear. You didn't touch the motor I hope.

No no. Oh thank goodness.

Oh you've no idea how fussy they are about these things.

Maybe use your telephone please. Certainly. Thank you.

Sissy. Sissy.

Sissy? Yes. What is it?

They want to use the phone.

Oh. David. Where are you going?

Don't worry about it. The phone is at the end of the hall.

I'll show you. Where may I speak to you in private?

It's very important.

What a lovely private room.

Well now, what was it you wanted to see me about?

Your hand.

Your hand is most interesting. My hand.

Yes may I see it. I'm a parmist.

A parmist?

A metal gremlin. A parmist and an exterminator?

Well exterminating is my hobby. I read parms professionally.

Thank you for the use of your hand.

What? What did you see?

Nothing. You saw something tell me.

Oh well, it's the line of your life.

The last time I saw a parmist she said that was my line of marriage.

What's life without a marriage?

You see a marriage in my life? To whom?

A musician? What instrument?

Oh well, it looks like the brass section.

The brass section.

Let me have a better look.

Barney?

Barney, can you hear me?

Barney, if you can hear me say I can hear you.

I can hear you.

How in the world did you ever get?

Never mind.

I could die in here.

I am dying in here.

What's the combination?

It's too dark to read it.

The combination.

Let's see now.

I started three.

Three.

And then two full turns.

And the first number is 37 left.

And then, oh boy.

Oh boy.

I can't think of the last number.

Barney, you've got to.

All right, let me see.

Let me see.

Three.

37 left.

And I'm trapped.

I'm dying.

Barney, calm down.

Calm down.

How did I calm down?

I'm dying.

I'm dying and I can't think.

Barney, you've got to.

Fourteen.

A full turn to the left and 14.

I'm dying and I'm dying and I'm dying and I'm dying.

I'm dying.

Barney, Barney.

Oh, Barney.

Oh, my world did you ever get in there.

Are you all right?

I got in there because I heard somebody coming and no, I'm not all right.

Why are you all hunched over like that?

Hunched over?

Yes.

You're not in the safe anymore.

Straighten up.

I'll try.

That's all I can do, promise.

I did it.

I'm normal.

Barney, did you get the will?

The will, no, I forgot the will.

I thought I was a gourner.

You've got no idea.

My whole life flashed in front of my eyes just like they say.

Only it's too dark to see it in there.

I was wrong.

So cellist.

Death, notlier cellist.

A cellist.

Not a violinist.

He doubles.

Very talented.

You also will be coming into a large fortune.

A path is the line of heart.

Yes.

Too hard luck.

A rev.

A very rare.

You may have an entire orchestra in love with you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for the use of the telephone.

We must go, dear.

The mechanic has promised to come immediately.

I'm reluctant.

Leave.

Such an interesting hand.

Oh, well, where are you located, Madam Grendel?

And I might like for some of my friends to come and visit you.

Oh, that really won't be possible.

I only make house calls.

I'll call you in a few days.

Good-bye.

And good luck.

Maybe you won't need it.

Did you get the will?

Won't Michael be pleased?

It could save his life.

It almost cost me money.

It cost me money.

Where to, ladies?

The city jail.

Makes me shudder to hear it.

Mr. Shanks, don't you think you ought to have Mr. Bastion's permission to open the safe?

Hardly, Miss Prine.

Mrs. Bastion's attorney and executive of the will.

I think I have that prerogative.

I've been in here.

Looks like somebody slept in there.

Call the police.

Time to get here right away.

Time to get here.

You came.

When everyone else turned their backs, you came.

That's the will, Michael. The real will.

Straight from Amanda's safe.

Just think, Michael. Soon you'll be free.

Free. Yes, free. Free is a bird.

Free to spread my wings, to feel the wind in my hair, to taste.

Yes, that's a taste.

I shall prepare for you a Dutch and feast honoring the triumph of justice.

I have some small reputation as a gourmet cook, perhaps you know.

Oh, yes, of course.

Delicacy's propitious to the occasion.

Leap to my mind.

How artichokes vinaigrette, cold melons, soup, and perhaps a duck aller.

Duck.

My goose is cooked.

This isn't it.

Michael, it is. What's wrong?

It's a fake. It's a forgery.

It's an... I don't know what.

This will confirms what Shakespeare said.

This will, ladies, will send me to the gallows.

Come on.

And Diamond Necklace with a pear shaped stone, right?

And Two-strand, pearl necklace.

Pearl necklace, Two-strand, right? That's it.

What about Diamond Road?

And diamond necklace with a pear-shaped stone.

Right.

And two strand pearl necklace.

Pearl necklace, two strand.

Right? That's it.

What about the diamond broach?

Diamond broach. There's no diamond broach in here.

Look, one diamond broach with a cluster of stones

worth $35,000.

It's gone.

Gone?

Well, I would anyone want to steal one piece of jewelry.

I have no idea.

Little tenant.

Do you come up with something or two?

The inside that saves cover with fingerprints.

Well, fine. Get him down a free stick right away.

We'll do a little tent.

If he's in the files, he'll be easier to find.

Why's that? Look at this right forefinger. Right there.

You see that? It must be a scar.

It runs right down the center of the print.

Barney?

You know the man?

A print I do.

Thank you, Edward.

We knew we could count on you.

Amazing. What's that do?

The fact that you so willingly helped me to postpone from my car.

I agreed to it.

Somehow I seemed to have an innate belief in the man.

And...

I'm aware that you don't have the same degree of faith.

True.

Then you're helping him once very generously.

Selfish. How?

Can't believe I've been writing all these years and I haven't learned a thing about people.

What do you mean?

Michael's reaction.

Money learned that he was principal heir and a man's will struck me as real.

Only believable performance he ever gave.

Oh, ladies. My very dearest lady. Such faith makes me live again.

You won't regret it, I swear.

Wait here.

You can't imagine such an I never once closing my eyes.

Huddling in the darkness. Trying. Trying not to go mad.

I'll get it out of your mind, Michael. It's all over now.

Hardly. This but the beginning.

There are so many things to be done.

And unpleasant, though they may be bastion, must do them.

But Michael.

Surely you understand. I stand falsely accused of murder most foul.

I must clear myself, pursue it. Force the truth to surface.

Michael, do let the police handle it.

Blunder is all. I shall take a man. Clear myself.

Soon as I have read myself of these garments and refreshed my spirits with a bath and a modest collision,

I shall investigate. I shall call on lawyer shanks,

though I can't be sure that he is the true murderer.

Still he did lie about that will. So he is involved somehow.

This way, Mr. Bastion. Release favors to be signed.

One moment, John Dom. So I will call on shanks, face him down, demand the truth.

And if it is not forthcoming, I will face Sissy and David and Standish.

One way or another, dear ladies. Bastion will triumph.

But Michael, you might alert the murderer.

They will never suspect the true motive of my visit.

I will give a typical Michael Bastion performance.

If he gives a typical Michael Bastion performance, he could be murdered.

And this time, not by the critics.

We must talk to the suspects before Michael does.

He might let something slip and put them on their guard.

You could find a way of keeping him occupied. I could talk to the suspects this afternoon.

If Michael weren't an actor, he'd be a gourmet chef.

Then we're safe in regarding him as a gourmet chef.

He did extend an invitation to lunch earlier.

If we could combine his gallantry with his vanity.

Dear ladies, thanks to you, my release.

I thought it over, Michael. And the answer is yes.

Well, I'm delighted. To what are you answering, yes?

To your kind invitation to lunch today.

Oh, my dear, G.I.M. decilated.

But that invitation will have to be postponed to some time in the future.

The servants are off on Wednesday.

Oh, but you don't need the Michael.

But you forget that I have a mission.

Too bad. I'd heard you were a worthwhile cook.

Worthwhile? Worthwhile is a diner in Dubuque.

Oh, I'm sorry. I meant I'd heard that you were almost in a class with a scoffee.

Almost? Very well, dear ladies.

There will be a lunch in a bastion manner. This very afternoon.

It will be succulent, but succinct.

Oh, I'm ashamed. I can't be there. I have a previous engagement.

I'm sorry. Another time, Michael. Born at the Diet.

Thank you.

My dear, it's G. There is so much to be done.

First the talent. Then revenge.

I'm sorry Mr. Shanks is not in.

Oh, dear. There must be some mistake.

I thought I had an appointment.

He always plays golf on Wednesday.

Well, I thought he was an attorney, not a doctor.

Oh, dear. There must be some mistake.

I thought I had an appointment.

He always plays golf on Wednesday.

Oh, this gampi was delicious. The sauce so delicate.

Yes, I've learned to let the wine rule the garlic.

Well, I don't like to rush you, my dear Miss D, but we must get on with the revenge.

I mean the turbid.

Oh, but do let me prepare for it.

The white wine just stimulates the palate.

Yes. It's delicious.

It's a decent little wine. 49, of course.

Excellent, yeah. Could I have a little more?

Well...

Hmm, they seem to have depleted it.

Isn't there any more?

You want more?

Wine is food for the soul.

But it, er, it isn't chilled and it's way down in the cellar.

Is that too far to go for my soul?

No.

Oh, good. Don't rush.

No.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I think you're hitting my ball.

Very unlikely. I just hit it. I watched it all the way.

I know where my drive landed.

You hit that here on a drive? My dear lady, that would be over 250 yards.

I detect a certain degree of male chauvinism in that statement, sir.

This is definitely my ball. It's an all-win shanks.

Oh, my. That's my name. I have them engraved.

Give me, sir. You're a man that bastions a-turny.

Yes.

What a coincidence running into you here. I'm a nester snoop.

A dear friend of Michael Bastions.

Oh, very nice to meet you.

Well, Michael is so upset about that will.

Don't know why he should be. He stands to inherit a great deal of money.

Michael insists it not the same will that Amanda showed him.

Oh?

The one he saw, he was completely eliminated as an heir.

I suppose you realize what you're implying.

Certainly. Someone is guilty of forgery, or of substituting an earlier will

to provide Michael with a motive for murder.

Miss Snoop, implicit in your statement is an accusation which I resent.

Accusation?

You're suggesting the possibility that I am either a dishonest lawyer

or worse yet a murder suspect.

Would you help me look for my ball? It's white.

I was not even at the theater the night of Amanda Bastions death.

Oh, I'm afraid that isn't entirely true, sir.

That ring you're wearing on your right hand is very distinctive, very unusual.

I saw a man dressed as a werewolf wearing that ring.

You'd have a hard time proving that werewolf wasn't you.

But there's my ball.

Excuse me.

More!

Just a moment, Miss Snoop.

Shh, call the etiquette.

Miss Snoop, you were right about the festival.

I was there.

The reason I denied it, the reason I slipped out after I learned of Amanda's murder was because of Greta.

I take it Greta is not your wife.

Greta is our maid.

How nice.

Whenever my wife goes to visit her mother in Buffalo, you visit Greta.

Yes.

And since the festival was a costume affair, you felt perfectly safe until the murder.

Exactly.

That's why I slipped out. I knew the police would question everyone. Miss Snoop.

I do hope you will keep my little secret.

It could be very awkward.

Murder always is.

Is that the telephone?

Oh no, that's my mockingbird over there.

It's a very loud bird.

Oh my God.

The turbet was deriffed.

Delicious.

Thank you, Miss G.

Well, now that we have whined and dined, I...

Yes, more turbets.

More turbets?

More turbets? Well, I'm afraid there isn't a morsel left.

I only made enough for six.

Oh, well, you must write down the recipe for me.

Right now.

My dear Miss G, as memorable as this luncheon has been,

I'm sure you will understand that I am very anxious to confront my accuser.

Of course.

We'll have dessert, and then we'll go.

But I can plan down dessert. It's not my specialty.

Then I will prepare.

It will give me a chance to reveal my culinary skills.

I will give you Grep, Quinlan.

Crep, Quinlan.

Crep, but they take such a long time.

Yes.

Yes.

Hey, lady.

You better be careful.

See, if you fall overboard with all that weight around your neck,

you are going to sink.

I'm a nester snoop.

We met at that unfortunate premiere.

Oh, yes. Hello.

I had no idea you lived on a yacht.

Well, how kind of you?

You're so designated, I have no idea you were a photographer.

I photograph backgrounds for my books.

You know, I would like to photograph your yacht.

Oh, well, that'll be fine.

Come aboard. Give me those things.

Thank you.

What?

This is good luck.

Now, you be careful.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah?

Oh, I would say this place is a bit of a mess.

I'm a terrible pack rat.

I could never bear to throw anything out.

Hey, would you like a cup of coffee?

No, thank you.

Oh, this is very photogenic.

Do you live here all the time?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, it has everything I need.

Simple life, simple pleasures.

And of course, I have my research.

Research?

Yes, genealogy.

Look, are you sure that you have a nice job?

Or that you have enough light in here to take pictures?

Oh, yes.

I use quadruple X film.

Oh.

Genealogy?

Yes.

Genealogy.

I do charts on people.

Oh, did you happen to have done one on, say, Amanda or Michael?

What an amazing coincidence that you should ask that.

He's my latest subject.

Did a great deal of research on him.

That's a pity I didn't have a chance to warn for Amanda.

Oh, he is a blue beard with snow.

Are they, Capardon?

A blue beard.

No, a man who murders his wives.

Oh, dear.

That's a very serious charge.

Well, all you have to do is study the evidence.

Look, you take his first wife, for instance.

She was Italian counters.

She's unstable.

She took the drinking absent at lunch.

Do you know what that theme did?

No, I don't.

He took her climbing the Matterhorn in the middle of November.

Of course, she slipped.

Died.

Oh, dreadful.

Oh, now, you may think that that is a coincidence until you study the facts about a settled wife.

She was a rich English woman with a history of ulcers.

And you know all that fancy cooking of his?

Yes, I do.

Well, yes.

You know where he took her for a brief respite.

No, I don't.

Paris.

Paris France.

Pat de Fuea Graa.

Crapes, Suzanne.

Raw oysters in Champagne.

Poof.

Poof.

Yes, she died.

Not before, of course, he had willed him a sizable amount of money, which he immediately invested in one of those tasteless films of him.

He lost everything.

Oh, dear.

And then, of course, we've got Coramander.

Um, uh, speaking of willes, uh, do you happen to know how much you will be inheriting?

Oh, uh, they're not token.

Me and Patents, which, of course, I shall immediately donate to my favorite charity, or yours, I don't care.

You know, I think money corrupts, don't you, Miss Nope?

And as you can see, uh, well, I am incorruptible.

Oh.

Oh, Mike.

Can you give us another egg?

I'm afraid our hints are all laid out.

Oh, well, we'll improvise.

Three quarters of a cup of water?

No, half a cup of water.

It's better with only three eggs.

And now...

one half T.P. of salt.

One T.P. of sugar.

And one capital T of orange liquor.

Ah!

Now, we blend our batter.

Ooh, ooh, that's a very loud blender.

I do want to get some more pictures before the light goes.

Oh, thank you so much for dropping in. I so seldom have guests.

Oh, uh, by the way, uh, did you happen to talk to Amanda before she died?

Who's a matter of fact, she phoned me the night of the murder.

It seems that earlier in the afternoon she had mislaid a very expensive diamond brooch.

She wanted to wear it to the festival.

But then later that day she discovered she had not mislaid it.

It had been stolen.

Stolen?

By Bass Chances said.

Oh, dear.

Well, you've been very helpful.

Oh, you won't.

Thank you.

Now, we refrigerated our mixture for...

a couple of hours.

A couple of hours?

You're sure that's long enough?

That is to allow the flower particles to expand on the liquid,

ensuring a blender type...

a tender light thin crepe.

Is she at this point I would accept a chubby crepe or a O.B. scrap?

But I would like to accept it now.

You command?

I'll be.

Oh, that's a very lovely...

Yes?

Oh, Anesta.

Yes, the luncheon was an occasion.

Yes, of course, just a minute.

It's Anesta for you.

I'm not saying, but the bell.

I beg your pardon.

Probably finished your errands.

Will you drive me back to the city now?

Anesta!

Everything is fine, dear.

You can let Michael loose anytime now.

Oh, will you please wait just a minute?

I forgot my car keys.

I'll be right back.

No!

No!

No!

Boy, that's what I call scary.

I'm trying to make money off a movie like this.

Does your back feel better?

Thank you.

Michael, come in.

Michael, what's wrong?

I don't know if you'd seen a ghost.

I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, but...

Well, who knows? They may have men tailing me at this very moment.

They may. What happened?

Well, I went to see Shanks to confront him, to vent my moral outrage.

Well, I had no idea that my moral outrage was so powerful.

He confessed?

He died.

He died? Of moral outrage?

Michael, that's impossible.

He's dead, ladies. He's dead, and they'll blame me for it.

We must call the police.

Well, I've already done that. I used an anonymous voice very interesting when I raised it an octave.

Hello, police! I want a report of it. It was a disaster.

Michael, what you need is a rest. Now you're staying here with us.

Oh, no. That's not fair. I have no right to burden you with my manifest problems.

I'll just find some small inconspicuous hotel.

Well, nonsense. You're going to stay right here until it's safe for you to leave.

Oh, no. Hide.

Hide.

Oh, just Michael!

Oh, yeah, come with me. There. Go on.

It's getting to be like that program we were watching.

I just got a report on the car radio. May I? Come in?

Why?

It's late, dear. We're very tired.

It's only take a minute. Shanks is dead.

And a witness on the scene saw a man fitting Michael's description leaving the building.

Now, it occurred to me that Michael might try to call you. If he does, I want your words.

You'll get in touch with me immediately.

If he calls us, we definitely will call you.

How's it, tenant?

You're under arrest.

I'm dressed.

Whatever for a Stephen.

Well, breaking and entering and grand theft for openers.

Grand theft. I'm innocent.

And how come your fingerprints were all over the inside of Amanda Bastian's safe?

Was something stolen, Stephen?

A diamond broach worth $35,000.

Well, even if you can prove that Barney was in the safe, that doesn't necessarily mean that he stole the broach, does it?

No, but I'd say it makes him a prime suspect.

Stephen, we have a small confession to make.

I thought you might.

Barney did open Amanda's safe. With Michael Bastian's permission, you see Michael asked us to get Amanda's copy of the will for verification.

And we asked Barney.

But he only took the will, Stephen.

Yes, that's all.

Certainly not the broach.

I'd say you're trying to tell me something.

If I arrest Barney, I have to arrest the two of you as well.

I'll be in touch.

We hope so, dear.

Perhaps dinner tomorrow evening.

Perhaps.

Very interesting.

What, there?

According to Standish, Michael stole that broach the afternoon of the premiere.

I hope you'll forgive me.

Fear always makes me hungry.

That was your nephew, the police officer, wasn't it?

Yes.

Well, I cannot burden you with my presence.

I must think for myself.

I must work this out.

Hmm.

There was a movie in which I was in a very similar situation.

The gallows hang high.

How did I get out of that one?

Why?

You turned yourself into a bat and flew over the wall.

I did.

You'll stay here with us.

But there isn't a place for him.

Why, sir. Bed and the guest rooms made up.

Oh, you're extraordinarily kind.

And now, if you don't mind, I think I'll put me to bed.

Of course.

Michael.

Yes.

There's one thing we must ask you.

It seems Amanda's broach was stolen just before her death.

Have you any idea who could have stolen it?

No, none whatsoever. Why? Is it important?

We're beginning to think so, Michael.

More important than we ever imagined.

Good night.

Good night, Ernestor.

Gee.

Barney.

To sleep.

To chance to dream.

I...

There's the rope.

Diamond broach, cluster of stones, retail value around 35 Gs.

No?

I already checked with Omar.

All right. Thanks, Theo. Bye.

Well, that's it.

The broach hasn't been fenced.

You know what I don't understand?

Why would somebody go to all that trouble to steal something if he had no intention of selling it?

Maybe the thief had bigger ideas.

Such as framing Michael for murder.

Now, what if Bastion lifted the broach himself?

Amanda found out about it and he had to kill her.

That would make him the prime suspect.

That point was made by Mr. Standish. I didn't believe him either.

What we've got to do is find the broach.

Shall we start with Mr. Standish?

Good morning, dearest ladies.

Michael, can you call Mr. Standish on a pretext?

Tell him it's vital that you speak with him in person.

Why, Ernestor, should I do that?

Don't ask questions. We're trying to save your life.

Tell him you're in hiding. You could meet him here.

Can you do it?

Oh, ladies.

Can a hair hide?

Can a songbird sing? Consider it done.

No, Barney. No.

We'll drive. You take care of your back.

Ladies. You can be in real danger down there.

Not for Standish here. Now, don't worry.

What's wrong?

Shh.

You are about to witness one of my finest performances.

Standish, bastion hair.

Your phone isn't tapped, is it?

Why? You have no idea how cruel that capricious lady faders

been. Why, there are men following me at this very moment.

I am a veritable fugitive pursued by the hounds of injustice.

What? I must talk to you.

No, I can't leave. Could you come here?

The address is 789, Grammacy Park.

I'll be waiting for you.

Please, hurry.

You are the last hope of a desperate haunted man.

Well?

Well...

I know, I know, I know.

Sometimes even superlative seem inadequate.

Taxi!

There's no need to be timid, Barney.

The words aren't important.

Was that a performance?

It was, Mr. Bastion.

And? And? Go on, boy. Go on.

It was the trouble. It was a performance. It was acting.

Of course it was acting.

What I mean, it was too much acting.

Too much?

No offense, Mr. Bastion.

But what if Stanished didn't believe you? The ladies could be in real trouble.

Of course he believed me. But what if he didn't?

Are you looking for something, ladies?

Oh, Mr. Stiffandish.

What a coincidence.

No, no, no. I don't think so.

No, this seems more like a deliberately conceived plot to try and trap me.

Oh, why?

Unfortunately, however, Michael Bastion is about everything else a lousy actor.

I'm afraid we don't have any idea what you're talking about.

Really?

Come on, I think you do.

I think we are talking about this.

I see you were quite right, Mr. Stiff.

All the time I had it hidden right here.

And in Bastion called, I realized why I was being maneuvered off my own boat.

Why are you telling us all this?

Because obviously you have figured out that I killed Amanda.

Now, I simply cannot have you going around trying to prove that one way or the other now.

Can I?

But I would like to know, though, uh...

How did you know it was me?

We didn't.

Until we began to think of Amanda's murder and the theft of the brooch together.

You see, very few people would kill to prevent the discovery of a theft.

Unless that discovery would cost them much, much more.

You're inheritance, for example, $150,000.

You must have found an opportunity to steal Amanda's brooch and then have stolen it.

Confident that she would blame it on Michael.

But she realized that you were the thief and threatened to cut you out of her will.

So you murdered her that night at the festival and then suggested the logical killer was Michael?

The logical thief was Michael.

All of which was very logical, but not very factual.

That's marvelous.

Not that really. It was marvelous.

So, Ronny, go by killing Amanda. I made my mistake.

Which brought you here?

Alone.

Which was you, mistake.

I'm afraid it was a fatal one.

I'll get it.

You two ladies, you just sit down and rest. I am going to cast off.

And then we are going to have a nice little boot trip together.

Okay?

Look at that fiend! Drug beer, weapon!

Well, here, lover. Oh, you're so right.

That...

Hey!

Thank you. Bless you, little hard. Thanks so much.

Michael, you tell him. Yes, Michael, please do.

Officer, arrest that man.

Splendid photo, Michael. You look so heroic, Michael.

You sure you didn't plant that photographer at the dock just to take this picture?

Sheer coincidence, Lieutenant.

Oh, speaking of coincidence, I got back the full report on Shank's death.

He died of a coronary before you arrived last night.

And to think that I was convinced that I had killed him.

You know, I still can't understand why he substituted one of Amanda's earlier wills for the latest one, the real one.

Surely he didn't want me to inherit $300,000.

Oh, no, no, on the contrary. You see, he'd been written out of the latest will like you.

And then the night of the murder, he substituted the earlier will and stood to gain $150,000 for himself.

God bless you.

Well, my career has finally changed. I've been simply deluged with film offers.

How are films making it come back, are they?

No, Lieutenant. I am being properly cast for the first time in my career.

As a hero, Steven. No more typecasting as a villain.

Thanks to these lovely ladies.

Anne Barney.

God bless you again.

And now I would like you to savour a recipe from the Conte Truville.

Truit de Cos a la Veniscian.

Mm-mm. And for Barney, a dish guaranteed to chase the worst of coals.

A recipe of my first mother-in-law.

Chicken soup.