Original subtitles

How're we doin' in there?

It's coming, it's coming.

Ah. There we go.

Oh, one sec. Be right back.

Come on.

I'm not proud of myself.

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Hey. Watson fight start yet?

Nah, they did this lame story

about how he was raised by deaf parents.

Damn it, that's the one thing I wanted to see.

All right, well, next week, we'e doing it at our place,

'cause Spence and I will breakin' in our brand-new

plasma TV.

You guys are getting a plasma?

Still not sure I wanna do this. Do what?

Danny found a ski resort upstate

that just opened up time-shares.

Yeah, yeah, and you go up there for a free weekend,

and all you do is listen to their sales pitch,

and you get a plasma TV.

Okay, but wait. There's a catch. All right?

It's for couples only...

so we have to convince them that we're together.

I'm not seeing the catch.

Oh!

You know, just 'cause a couple of middle-aged guys

share an apartment and a car,

everyone assumes we're lovers.

I think this is a great idea.

Well, no offense, hoss, but I believe

I can do a lot better than you.

And- And by the way, if you ever ordered off this menu,

you'd buy the restaurant.

Anyway, Carrie's never gonna let you do this.

Why not? 'Cause of the way

you'll buy anything from anybody.

Isn't she mad about that stuff you bought

off that shopping network?

Hey, those dolls were personally endorsed by Marie Osmond

and will only increase in value.

Oh, God. It's so beautiful up here.

And it was really sweet of you to surprise me with this trip.

Oh, come on. You work hard. You deserve it.

So, what're we gonna do up there?

Oh, first we're gonna-

We're gonna take some ski lessons.

Then we'll soak in a nice Jacuzzi,

maybe have a nice dinner,

take in a relaxing sales pitch. It's gonna be great.

What?

It's gonna be great.

What sales pitch?

Oh, the- The whole weekend's free.

All we have to do

is just listen to a little four-hour chat

on their time-share properties.

I heard it's fun.

Time-share? Doug, why didn't you tell me about this before?

Uh, because you would've said it's stupid,

and I figured you wouldn't twist my nipples on a curvy road.

Doug, you don't understand.

These time-share people, they don't stop

until they sell you something.

They- They prey on the weak and gullible,

i. e. you.

I admit, I- in the past,

I may have made some purchases that were...

questionable.

Yeah. You got talked into buying a home coleslaw-making system.

Hey, before the motor burned out,

Mr. Slaw provided us with the best two weeks of our lives.

Look, I won't buy anything, okay?

I- I won't even talk to anybody. We'll have a great weekend.

Come on. Okay. All right.

I did wanna learn how to ski,

and the Jacuzzi does sound nice.

About the Jacuzzi.

I'm not saying they don't have one,

but I did make that up.

Hi. Uh, Spence Olchin,

and this is my partner Danny Heffernan.

Welcome to Pine Summit.

Yep. Just a couple of queens out hitting the slopes.

Well, here you go.

Enjoy your stay.

Wow. This place is nice, huh?

Yeah. I coulda done without

the, uh, deer hoof door handles. Ahem.

Come on, show me some love.

No, it's nice, it's nice.

But, listen, don't get too cocky, okay?

You see these people in the red vests over here?

Those are the salespeople.

They're the bad guys. I know.

Okay. No matter what you do, you don't go with them.

Okay? If they say, "Mommy's sick and she's in the hospital,"

you do not go with them, okay? Right.

Okay. Now shake it up a little bit.

Hey, curly hair. Hey, vestie. Stop.

Hey, vestie. Stop! You're annoying me.

All right. Okay.

Hey, they got hot cocoa over there.

Check us in. I'll see you in the room.

Hey. Hey.

You here to look at the time-shares?

Oh, yes. My husband and I are very interested

in finding a second home we can fight in. Oh.

You? Oh, um...

We just came here for the free weekend.

So did we.

I just gotta keep my husband away

from the salespeople.

Hey. I heard that.

Anyway, I'm Anna. This is my husband Steve.

Hi. Carrie. My husband is...

Wow. That is affordable.

Yeah. I like that.

Thank you. Come here.

Come here. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

All right, now it's your turn. Come on, baby.

I don't wanna fall again.

You're not gonna fall. I believe in you.

Okay.

There you go.

Oh, God.

Snowplow. Snowplow! Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God!

I told you to snowplow.

Well, there's something wrong with my skis.

Yeah... the skis.

All right, come on.

Help me. Just help me up.

All right. Ungh!

Okay. I'm done. What?

Yeah. I mean, this was a very nice thing, honey,

but skiing is just not my thing. Let's just go home.

But we gotta stay the whole weekend. What? Why?

I'll tell- I'll tell you why.

Because we got those dinner reservations

with our new best friends tonight:

Stu and Amy.

Steve and Anna. Whatever.

Look, I- I promised you a great weekend,

and I'm gonna deliver, okay?

Why don't we just take your skis back to the rental place,

and we'll, uh... we'll trade 'em in for a, ahem,

a Flying Saucer, 'cause that spells F-U-N.

You're gonna have a good time this weekend. You really are.

Here you go.

Gave you extra sweet potatoes

'cause you said you like 'em.

Oh. Hey, uh, you know what else I'd like?

To know what time you get off of work.

Yeah, I bet you would.

What are you doing? What?

Hitting on a waitress?

You're gonna blow our cover and we're not gonna get the TV.

Also, that was very disrespectful to me.

Fine.

By the way, if she's a natural blond,

I am the Queen of Sheba.

So they told me that I was the first one

to ever drive a Flying Saucer into the gift shop.

You know, on our first date back in college,

Steve insisted on taking me roller-skating,

even though I said I didn't know how.

Eight beers and 43 stitches later, here we are.

We would've met in college too, if our six weeks overlapped.

Hey, guys. Hey. Hi.

I wanna remind you

there's a buffet tomorrow,

followed by a tour of the units,

- the mandatory sales presentation.

Well, if my bruised ass has a vote,

we might be headed home early.

Well, you do understand

that if you leave before the presentation,

you forfeit the free gift.

What free gift?

Oh. There's a free gift? This- This just keeps gettin' better.

This is unbelievable.

The- The plasma TV. We spoke about it on the phone.

Uh... no, don't think we did.

Well, you remember. I said you could either have

the TV or the diamond tennis bracelet.

Oh, my God. This is all news to me.

Mm-hmm. This is, um-

Could you get our waiter?

I hear they got a frozen Turtle pie

that is unbeatable here.

It's unbelievable.

All right, I'm sorry. I shoulda told you

everything from the beginning,

but, you know, we can still make this a great weekend.

You are such a lying sack of crap.

Or we could just get through the weekend.

"Oh, my baby works hard. She deserves this. "

You do work hard.

I- I mean, I'm guessing. I-

This whole trip, lie after lie after lie.

And for what? For some stupid TV?

Stupid? Stupid? It's not stupid, Carrie.

It's plasma. Plasma. Do you know what plasma means?

It means it's alive!

All I know is, you have a great TV at home.

Oh... I'm sorry. That's not even computing in the brain here,

'cause it's not great!

It is great, and do you know why?

Because I saved and sacrificed for that T-

I worked overtime. That TV was paid with my love.

Yeah? Well, when I watch it, I feel nothing but hate.

Look at this. They have time-shares in the Caribbean.

That's where you should've taken me,

if you weren't such a selfish idiot.

I mean, look at this.

That should be me riding on that horse.

You couldn't even balance on two flat pieces of wood.

You wanna try your luck on a wild animal?

W- what are you doing?

Pack your gigantic bathing suit,

because we are going to Vista del Sol. What?

Yeah. Maybe we'll own a time-share there too.

You know what? The salesman was right.

If we had a time-share here, that would force you

to take me somewhere nice at least once a year.

The salesman was right-? Carrie, listen to yourself.

What? You said it,

they're gonna prey on the weaker one.

We thought I was the weaker one, but no,

it's you!

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Yeah.

So you got hit with a snowball. Big deal.

Big deal? You know why this happened, don't you?

Uh, somebody saw your big fat head

and decided to hit it with a snowball?

No. Uh, somebody saw my big fat gay head

and decided to commit a hate crime.

Oh, come on.

Don't be naive. Did you see the looks of disgust we got

when we were sharing that toboggan?

All right, fine. Whatever. All right?

Point is, if us getting that free plasma TV

means you gotta get gay-bashed,

then you gotta get a little gay-bashed, my friend.

All we gotta do is get through the next six hours,

and you get your stupid TV.

I wanna tell you how much I love you for-

Just shut up. Yeah, right.

I can't believe you.

I'm sorry.

What's going on?

Ugh! I went out to buy a ChapStick.

By the time I got back, he was almost in escrow.

I swear, these people are the devil.

I know. I almost had a close call myself last night.

Well, I am sending Steve out to the slopes

until we have to go on the sales tour.

Good idea. Take him with you.

What do you think, Doug?

Ready to get off the bunny slopes?

I am pretty much the only one on that hill

with body hair, so...

Maybe it's time to move up.

So Doug's been driving a truck for about nine years.

I thought it was just a stepping stone to something else,

but turns out that's, uh... that's it.

Yeah. Well, these guys are full of surprises. Mm.

You know, Steve and I met online,

and nowhere in his profile

did it mention his snoring or his clarinet. Heh-heh-heh!

I thought you said you guys met in college.

What? No.

Yeah, you told me the whole roller-skating story

last night at dinner.

I did? Wow. Heh.

I guess a... couple of glasses of wine at this altitude,

I'm liable to say anything. Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm gonna, uh, rustle us up some more coffee.

Oh, my gosh.

She's one of them.

Doug.

I gotta tell you, this is some view, huh?

Pretty sweet.

You know what it is, Doug?

I mean, Anna's great,

but the way I see it,

the big decisions are better left to the man.

Absolutely.

Whoa. Why did we stop?

Oh, that happens all the time.

Yeah, well, I- I hope it picks up again soon,

'cause it's cold up here. Heh-heh!

Soup?

You brought your own soup? Sure.

Why did I let Carrie talk me out of

filling my wine pouch with chili?

Mmm.

Can you hold that? Yeah.

Hello.

He's one of them.

What? Steve, he's a salesman.

Carrie?

Hey. Yeah, uh, Danny Heffernan?

I wanted to sign up for the 3:30 tour today.

No, no problem. Oh, hi.

Are you the Olchin-Heffernan party?

Heffernan-Olchin, but yeah. Ah.

You know, I heard about the incident

with your friend and the snowball.

Oh. Well, that. Yeah. Forget it.

He tends to get a little dramatic,

if you know what I mean. Yeah.

Heh-heh! You know, in light of this incident,

maybe Pine Summit isn't the right place for you.

What do you mean?

Well, this is more of a family resort.

So? Well, I'm just saying,

we have a couple of properties in Provincetown and Key West,

where you people are more free to be yourselves.

"You people"? What is that supposed to mean?

Sir, please don't take a tone with me.

I'm trying to resolve the situation.

We can resolve it by you giving me and my boyfriend

our TV.

I'm afraid that's not gonna happen.

Oh, it's gonna happen.

Oh, actually, I just realized

according to the terms of your contract,

the offer for the weekend clearly states

it's "for married couples only. "

Is that so?

Yes, it is, sir.

Well, we'll see about that.

Hey, man. Come on, let's go.

Hey, not so rough.

You've been awfully quiet there, Doug.

Well, you know, soup. It, uh...

makes me think about stuff.

Well, let it out, man.

'Cause up here, you can scream as loud as you want,

and no one's gonna hear you.

I know who you are!

Yeah. I'm the guy who's gonna give you the deal of a lifetime.

Just stay away from me!

Come on, Doug.

Just tell me what it's gonna take.

Leave me alone.

Whoa.

Come on, Doug.

Just tell me what it's gonna take

to put you in a deluxe townhome, cable-ready.

Get away from me!

I'll gas it up for you!

I got a two-bedroom with your name on it.

No!

Come on, come- Ungh!

I'm okay. I'm fine.

[WIND WHISTLING

Come on, Doug.

Take my hand.

We both know how this is gonna end.

Come on.

I don't know why I'm looking at this

after the way you and Steve lied to us.

I know, and to make it up to you,

I'm gonna write down a price that no one else is getting.

And I just want you to know I'm taking a loss on this.

Wow. That really is affordable.

Picture's not that great.

I'm not sure I'd marry a dude for this.

Well, I guess we know that Skvidzski

doesn't make a good product.

By the way, those annulment papers

have been on our counter for a week.

You gonna fill those out or what?

Yeah, I'll get to it, okay?

You know, not everything has to be done on your schedule.

Do you have... dental coverage?