Original subtitles

Oh, hi, guys! We help women in need.

Would you be interested?

What do you mean, "in need"?

We help raise money for women who've experienced debt,

financial coercion, mental health problems,

abusive relationships, that sort of thing.

Well, that sounds great. Do I just fill in my details now?

Yes! Absolutely.

And when do we get the money?

Oh... Er...

What about what's in there?

BUCKET RATTLES

Er, can you let go, please?

THEY STRAIN

Give it back!

Fucking hell.

It stinks of death in here.

Like the Grim Reaper's right behind us.

Here I am, sorry.

Promise you're not going to leave me with her?

She always says really traumatic stuff to me whenever we're alone.

Yes, yes, promise.

We're going to go in there and tell that dying old lady

how great her bastard son is

because if she dies soon, which I suspect she will,

we might be able to get the car back.

Josie! Billie!

'Ello, my darlings.

Deb.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this.

Hello...? This is she... Mm-hm.

Is this real gold?

Yeah. Can I try it?

You went to Costa?

Your daddy was just here.

What?

It's still warm.

WHISPERED: Don't... Don't you dare.

Just going to...pee.

Billie, the ring?

Excuse me, have you seen my Daddy?

Have you seen mine?!

So, have you made any friends?

They're beating me in here.

They take me out at night and beat me.

There's no way out. I've got terminal cancer.

I tell you, Josie, I am so afraid to die.

I've done everything right!

I did everything everyone wanted me to and I'm still going to die.

Everything in my life's been a waste.

Do you have any idea what that feels like?

Now this...is living.

Co-Op two-for-one pizza, mini bag of Twirls.

Nice. HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

I hope we do this for the rest of our lives.

Everything in my life has been a waste.

Are you upset about your nan?

You can talk to me, you know.

I am your boyfriend.

OK.

Well, she's going to die.

She seemed so scared.

She's worried her life's been insignificant.

I don't think I was very helpful.

Well, I'm sure whatever you wanted to say to her, she already knows.

Thanks.

That's quite comforting, actually.

You're welcome.

Oh, how was your nan? She'll be fine. Fuss over nothing.

Er, she's got terminal cancer.

It's fine. But we might have to see him. Who?

Dad! We can't keep burying our problems.

Darling? Dad's dead, remember?

Oh, God...!

She's not very good at processing death.

I do think it's worth sending her to therapy.

Otherwise, these things have a habit of getting to you.

She doesn't need therapy.

She just needs a stable male figure in her life.

Oh.

But without professional help, grief can eat you up inside.

It can do strange things even to the best of us.

There's plenty of alternatives to therapy.

Oh, yes? What did you have in mind?

BILLIE: Right...

We're going fucking clubbing.

Why do you reckon we get dressed up in times of crisis?

Why did the string quartet keep playing when the Titanic went down?

Because Nicky might be there.

What time's the bus? You're not coming, Seb. Go home.

I AM home.

Why won't you take Seb? We're going out to get away from him.

I don't know why he's still here.

Well, he's got just as much of a right to be here as you do.

In fact, a lot of this could be fixed by him being here more.

Which is why he's moved in.

Has he? I thought you'd noticed.

It's for your own good. Why didn't you tell me?

I've been easing you in. It's boiling frog theory.

You don't just chuck it into boiling water -

it'll jump straight out again.

You have to heat it up slowly so it doesn't know it's dying.

He is the solution to your mental health problems.

He's also paying our water bill.

Well, he's not coming clubbing. All right, all right,

then hurry the fuck up and get out.

I need you out of the house so I can try and convince Dev

that you're fine. Is he worried?

He thinks you should both be going to therapy. Really...?!

Yeah. Waste of time. Therapy is for celebrities.

Get your fucking acts together or don't bother coming back at all.

I mean it.

Have a lovely evening, girls!

Ooh!

HE COOS

And if you need anything at all, you just let me know.

He hugged us.

Is he trying to be our dad? I think he's trying to fuck us.

It's REALLY hard to tell the difference. It's not, Josie.

Of course he wants to fuck us.

The problem is, is I can't work out whether I'm into it. Mm.

Your nipples have gone hard.

Case closed. You'd better not go home at 8pm like last time.

Oh, I can't go home. My boyfriend's moved in. Good.

Tonight, we're going fucking feral.

DANCE HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS

Still blocked?

It might be an issue with his contract.

I've called EE just to check.

Do you want a drink? Yeah, can I get a Roman coke?

What? A Roman coke.

Do you mean "rum and coke"?

Don't think so.

Shit, that's Bianca!

Who? Bianca! The home wrecker with the horrible eyebrows.

Oh, Nicky's Bianca! The one you bleached your hair to look like?

Erm, she copied me, actually.

Shit, let's go.

OK, what's the plan?

Right, I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

Where did you get that baggie from?

Nicky. It's all I have left of him.

I know, but, like, where just now?

Oh! My bum.

Have you got anything we can roll up? Erm...

OK...

SHE SNIFFS

SHE EXHALES

BILLIE SNIFFS

SHE EXHALES

How do you feel?

Yeah, I feel OK actually!

Wow.

You must be really sad.

Maybe hold on to that.

OK.

I really think we should get therapy.

Nah, therapy's a scam.

You don't need to pay someone 70 quid to tell you

your childhood was shit. I can do that for you.

I could go back on the NHS waiting list, but the wait time's,

like, two years. Wow, with a wait time like that,

the service must be really good.

Hold on, I'm coming up. I'm coming up...!

I'm going to shit myself! Look at me, Josie, look at me.

Not here.

Hold it in. BILLIE INHALES DEEPLY

Brace yourself.

We're going over to her.

So, what are we actually going to do? Oh, it's simple.

I'm going to kill her.

There can only be one.

Come on, I've got that rage that mothers get

when they lift cars off babies.

Bianca.

Billie.

Shall we take this outside?

To the smoking area, I mean.

OK, meet you there in a sec.

If I die, box my tits up and send them to Nicky's, yeah?

But remember to send them to his parents,

because he's living with them right now, but, obviously, we're saving up

for Billie Bar in Manchester... OK, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I die...

Fucking hell, I've done nothing! I've got nothing!

I think I should do this alone.

You look a bit oversimulised...

OK, but what should I do? I can't go home, Seb's moved in.

Josie, you need to stop letting people who don't understand you

decide what's best for you.

There's only one person who knows what's best for you,

and who you are. Oh, yeah.

Yeah!

And I know exactly who that is.

Josie! I've figured it out.

What? I've figured out who I am.

Oh, yeah? And who are you?

Whoever you want me to be.

He's not here, if that's what you're wondering.

I already checked. Oh.

BIANCA SCOFFS

And don't even dare asking me to break up with him

because it's not going to happen.

We're endgame. You'll never love him as much as I do.

Why isn't he here then?

Er, because I'm too fit for him.

He said I can't be tamed.

Well, he said things to me that he'd never say to anyone else.

Really? Mm-hm.

Did he tell you you had a perfect pussy?

Oh.

Has he changed his phone contract, do you know?

Er, no.

No, same number.

I heard from him yesterday.

SHE STAMMERS

We're not...over,

we're just...taking a little break

while he works on some of his stuff.

You can tell me.

SOFTLY: No, it's just...

TEARFULLY: He's just got a lot going on at the moment,

and he said he would let me know when he's ready to talk.

It's OK, baby. It's OK.

Let it out...

I like your hair.

It's my natural colour.

TV: ..their remarkable cliffside nests

which provide safety from predators...

I do just think... Bloody hell, it's like you're in a pyramid scheme.

There's nobody more fucked-up than therapists, Dev.

What kind of sick freak decides to cash in on someone's misfortune?

What are they doing in those little rooms asking questions like that?

Nosy bastards!

..ensuring the survival of the next generation...

Shall we go and see what Seb's up to? Yeah.

She...can't be having a good time without me.

She'll be overstimulated.

She can barely handle five minutes in Lush.

Why wouldn't she want me there?!

Do you think she could be kissing a girl?

Right, where's the rest of your stuff? No, that's it.

What, this is everything you own? Yeah.

Well, your underwear is already in here.

No, that's all Josie's.

I just... I actually don't think I'd like it if she kisses girls.

If she does it in a room and I'm not there,

it doesn't really feel like it's for me, you know?

It feels, it feels more like...

..cheating...

Deb? Er, why don't you leave me to speak with Seb? Mano-a-mano.

All right, I'll leave you to it.

But I think we all just need to trust her.

DEV CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

I'll go and crack this open.

I'm sure there's lots of lovely things about Seb in here

that'll make him feel better.

DEV CHUCKLES

Thanks for letting me talk about this. I just...

I guess I...I'm just a bit worried about what Josie could be doing.

But people... People don't cheat in real life, do they?

That's just something that happens on Strictly.

SEB LAUGHS I need to tell you something.

I cheated on Deb last night.

Oh, dear...

DRAWER RATTLES

SHE TUTS

LOUD CRASH

SHOE CLATTERS

Last night when I got in, I had a large glass of merlot

and got a little reflective.

Before I knew it, I was watching me and Lisa's first dance

at our wedding.

I was completely overcome with emotion...

..but then I looked down and I realised...

..I'd started masturbating.

I'm just...

I'm not sure enjoying a memory of your late wife counts as cheating.

Oh-ho-ho, I think it does.

Do you think Josie's cheating on me?

No... No.

No, I'm sure she's not. She loves you.

You are fulfilling all her needs, aren't you?

We don't have...much sex, to be honest.

Well... Well, how often are you having sex?

Well, don't, don't get me wrong... We... we do other stuff, OK?

So much stuff...

DEV CHUCKLES SUGGESTIVELY

Loads of stuff. Right...!

Like, for starters, I get a hand job

on Mondays AND Wednesdays.

Well, that's good news. All right, Dev. I'm a virgin.

OK?

S... S... Sex makes me a bit nervous.

Of course, I can't tell Josie that though.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I'm a man.

Absolutely.

We show these women no fear.

Not Deb, not Josie... Not Deb...

You said "Deb" twice.

Right, what are we drinking?

Maybe we shouldn't have any more, I can't really see.

What is in those Roman cokes?

Well, what do you want to do then? I don't know.

I feel like we need to be like cleansed or something.

Together.

What, like wash Nicky off our bodies?

Well, OK, yeah. Why not?

THEY CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY

Do you want me to like...wash you or something?

Yeah.

Fuck Nicky. We don't need him.

Yeah, exactly.

We have each other.

You know who I am.

You're the only person in the world who understands me,

because of all your trauma. Yeah...

You understand me, because of what happened with your mum and your dad

being toxic. Nobody knows pain like we do. I saw my nan this morning.

She's going to die, it's only a matter of days...

Ugh, keep fucking talking.

I do feel quite cleansed. Yeah.

Nicky who?

You look like me.

You look like me.

THEY CHUCKLE

SHE MOANS SOFTLY

I can't believe this is happening.

I'm almost not dissociating.

What do you erm...want to do to me?

Erm, smell your hair?

Move to Hebden Bridge

and get a three-legged rescue cat called Edgar?

Sorry, darling. Just popping in for my book.

You're right, Sid, it's gripping.

Dad, please! So insensitive.

I'm off to bed, then. Have a lovely night, girls.

If you need anything at all, you just let me know, OK? Aw...

Oh, my God! Er, I know. He's so annoying.

Annoying? It's disgusting. Your dad wants to fuck you.

What? He was all over you.

A hug? Yeah, and a kiss.

Oh, that's fucked up. I've got to go.

What? It's just my dad. He's just being affectionate.

Er, I think I can tell the difference, Sid.

UNDER HER BREATH: Fucking hell...

Josie thinking she's a lesbian is a bit of a spanner in the works.

I read online that sexuality is a spectrum.

I just assumed wherever she was on that spectrum included me watching.

Right, Seb, you're going to be a bit shocked about this,

but there's not a single mention of your name in this diary.

Not even on her birthday?

There's my name!

Phew!

Right... Well, there we go.

Lovely. See? We just have to trust each other.

I masturbated to my old wedding footage last night.

I couldn't help it. It was an accident. I'm so sorry.

Deb? Please.

Say something. I promise it won't ever happen again.

Look, every relationship has its problems.

What the women in this family need is stable men that prove

they're going to stick around forever.

No more of this therapy nonsense.

It is commitment that we need.

How...how can I be more committed?

I've already moved in and that wasn't enough.

She's insatiable!

Josie doesn't know what she wants.

So you have to tell her.

Almost force her into making decisions.

She's like a deer in headlights, but, deep down,

I think she wants the car to hit her.

"M made me feel like shit again today.

"I want to run away.

"Sometimes I think she'd rather me be dead.

"She's a bully."

Wow. I know...

Who is M?

BIANCA: I still don't really understand how us kissing is revenge

if Nicky's not here to see us.

Trust me, he's devastated.

He'll know.

Can I ask you a question?

Is it to kiss again? No.

Did he ever, like, borrow money off you and just not pay you back?

Yes! And did he ever ask you to come over,

but really, he just wanted to play Far Cry 5

while you cleaned his room? No. No...

..me neither.

We should get revenge.

By kissing again? No.

Worse.

We should tell his parents.

That is such a good idea.

Like, go round to his house or something...

Yeah, let's do it! One more kiss first though.

I still can't believe he said we both had perfect pussies.

THEY CHUCKLE

You do, though.

He was all over her. Fucking disgusting.

The one person in the world who I thought understood me.

And I can't go home because Mum's moved Seb in.

I've wasted my life too.

I really feel like I've got nothing left.

Wow, I feel loads better actually. I just needed someone to talk to.

Also, while I'm here, your son isn't very nice.

Sorry.

Oh! Sorry, you shouldn't be in here.

I don't think you should see her like this. What do you mean?

Er, she died about an hour ago. We're just waiting for the coroner.

Fucking hell!

SHE RETCHES

She looks very peaceful, if that helps.

It doesn't, actually.

Sorry...

This is actually so feminist of us. I'm feeling so feminist right now.

I can't tell you how feminist we're being.

I can't wait to go in there and tell his parents

how much of a dickhead their son is. How shall we do this?

OK, I'll go in and talk to them first, then I'll give you the signal

to come in, but I think it should come from me. OK.

I'll be here. All right, I'll be right back.

Wait!

Can I just tell you, I think you're the best friend I've ever had.

I love you. Thank you.

Perfect Pussy Club? Perfect Pussy Club.

SHE GASPS, SQUEALS

CALL DIALS

Hello, you're through to the Crisis Line. I'm feeling really bad.

Oh, no, have you tried your coping mechanisms?

I don't think having a cup of tea and a bath

is going to stop this one. Right...

What about a cup of tea IN the bath?

Oh, yeah. OK, thanks, I feel loads better. Really?

No, obviously not! Have you tried deep breathing...?

I want to prove to you that I can be here for you, forever.

I'm in this for the long haul, Josie. Till the end.

I'm willing to put the work in. Hello...?

You... You can't accept love, real love, undying love.

But I'm here and I'm unconditional. Are you still there? So...

HE CHUCKLES, CLEARS HIS THROAT

Josie...

..will you marry me?

Are you having suicidal thoughts?

SOFTLY: Yes.

Yeah... Yes? Right... Er...

Stay on the line. I'm just going to go and grab a colleague.

Go on, then. Get in!

Yes, of course, yes! She said yes!

Really? You heard her.

Look at her, she's in shock.

DEV CHORTLES

Well, kiss, then! OK.

Oh, she likes that. Ooh...

HE INHALES SHARPLY

Whoo!

HE LAUGHS

I just wish I had a ring.

Er... I've got one.

SHE SIGHS

There we go.

Everybody's happy. Job's a good 'un.

70 quid for therapy! I just did that for free. Mm-hm.

I just wish Billie was here to see this. And her father, too.

And Nan.

WHISPERED: She's dead by the way.

POP SONG PLAYS ON RADIO

Been a while, Miss. Yeah, just wait a minute.

She's coming.

Trust me, she's the best friend I've ever had.

She's coming.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello-o!

HE SIGHS

Josie, I'm really proud of you.

And I want you to know that you have my blessing to marry Seb.

Aren't you supposed to give Seb your blessing?

Er, no.

Doesn't feel right.

You know, Josie, death is just another stage of life.

Your nan's with your dad.

Now, I don't know much about that situation,

but it sounds like a rather lovely place to be.

Huh...

If you ever need to talk,

I'm here for you.

Thank you. Mm.

Deb...?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Deb?

And then my mum came upstairs, and...now I'm here.

Which makes me think maybe I can't actually tell the difference.

Do you think this is about my dad? Well, that's the hour up.

It's good to get the background information down

before we get started. What, that's it?

Yeah. I mean, you know, it's our first session.

We were never going to cover everything.

Well? Did it work?

Er... I'm not sure.

I probably need a few more sessions to find out.

Hmm.

Seems a bit excessive.

Just remember what they said to you in that one, it's not hard.

But they have to...! Waste of time!

ENGINE STARTS