Original subtitles

I can't believe you're here...

..in front of me.

If it wasn't for your mum, I wouldn't even know you were back.

Yeah. She's very...considerate.

HE LAUGHS

I'm not expecting things to go back to how they were right away. Um...

Yeah, I think I just need some time alone to sort of work out

what makes me happy.

But I know what makes you happy.

Me.

This is all about your dad.

Don't let your lack of trust in men damage what we have. Yeah, but...

You can't get rid of me that easily! Sorry!

I'm prepared to put the work in, round the clock.

Day in, day out, by your side.

I'm not leaving you.

So don't try and...push me away...silly.

You're right. I'm being stupid.

Sorry.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hi. I need to ask for Angela.

Are you all right? SOFTLY: Angela.

I'm asking for Angela.

Out. Why?

My girlfriend's in there.

My girlfriend's inside.

DOOR SQUEAKS

This programme contains strong language, adult humour and some scenes of a sexual nature.

HE CHUCKLES

HE SIGHS

Right, well, I'll be heading off. So soon?

At least wait until you've seen the girls.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Where are they?

Billie's upstairs,

and Josie's getting back together with her boyfriend.

Oh, well, that's nice.

Does he make her happy?

She doesn't know what makes her happy. Luckily, I do.

She's been playing with fire. How do you mean?

Well, the thing about Josie is that she's been experimenting

with some...ideas lately.

Oh, yes? Like what?

Oh, you know, things like who she is, what she wants.

Her feelings.

Well, that sounds good.

No, Dev.

No, it's not.

Has he gone? Security finally got him out.

He was really crying, actually. He looked awful.

Yeah. What a prick. So manipulative.

My dad's the exact same - toxic.

Really?

My dad went out for teabags ten years ago and never came back.

Wow.

I'm sorry. It's OK.

It's made me who I am, unfortunately.

I'm Sid.

I struggle in relationships

because I've never had a reliable model for romantic love before.

I'm Josie. I'd like to be called Jerry,

but Mum's trying to put a stop to that

because she thinks it's a slippery slope to updating my pronouns.

At least you have a mum.

Mine's dead.

Watched her die.

Slow and painful.

She was a bag of bones by the end.

Wow.

Yeah. The whole thing was very... Traumatic?

Yeah, it was terrible.

Are we going to kiss?

Maybe.

OK. Be right back, then.

MOANING AND GASPING

Talk to me.

What do you want me to say?

Tell me you love me.

What, like roleplaying?

Um...

..yeah.

What's our wedding like?

OK. So you're in a dress. Yeah. And is everyone looking at me?

Yeah. The whole family.

OK, everyone but Josie.

J-Just your mum, then.

I love you.

Love you, too. Yeah.

We're still doing roleplay, yeah?

HE GRUNTS AND GASPS

Where do you think Nicky goes when he runs off

into the night?

Don't know. Probably somewhere really mysterious.

Yeah.

Like big Tesco.

I met the love of my life tonight.

Her name is Sid.

I finally have a reason to continue to live.

What shall I do? Probably just leave it, right?

Did you break up with Seb? Tried to, but he just kept promising

he's never going to leave me. That's my fucking dream.

I'm going to marry that man.

Mrs Billie Nicky.

That's his first name.

Oh, yeah.

Have you had your period yet?

Fucking hell, you're obsessed with my period.

It's like Dad - it'll come back when it's ready.

Please.

Girls! Come downstairs! Dev's waiting!

BOTH: In a second!

If you're tinkering with the scales before the weekly weigh-in,

I'll know. I won't have any eating disorders in this house!

Come on. Come on. Nothing's coming. Push harder!

I'm trying. It's my noonie. She's so scared.

Girls!

BANGING ON DOOR

I'm panicking. I need you to help me.

I can't do it on my own. What you want ME to do?

I need you to hold it. What?

Hold it for me so I can concentrate on weeing. I can't do both.

You can't hold the stick and wee? It's too much to think about.

Quickly, Jose, it's nearly there.

BILLIE STRAINS

OK, done.

Did I get it on the stick?

I think so, yeah.

Oh, shit. We have to do it again.

What? Why?

Because that's mostly come.

SHE SIGHS

Oh.

Wine on a Thursday. How decadent.

Only a dribble.

She's a greedy little pig and she'll never finish it.

It's OK. I'm not supposed to drink on my antidepressants.

And it's yucky.

Right. Um, Deb, I was wondering - I've got this dinner tomorrow night.

It's my boss Mark and his wife Jen.

It's recently just been the three of us but

would you fancy coming along?

I would like nothing more in the world.

Oh, good.

Everyone's bringing something.

Why don't you just bring a nice bottle of champagne?

Cheers, everyone.

SHE GULPS

Thank God for that.

For a second I was like, "What are we going to do?"

I know, right? Just a lovely big plus.

The plus means you're pregnant.

Uh, no, the plus means no baby.

Like, big plus, you're not having a baby.

Some people want to have them.

Oh, shit.

That's fucked up. I know.

Billie, that's, uh... You're not supposed to...

The sink was right there.

Sorry, baby brain. OK, so what's the plan?

What are we going to do? I don't know. See what happens?

Billie, you can't just keep it a secret and wait for it to pass.

This isn't HPV. You're pregnant.

Are you going to keep it? I don't know.

It's up to him, isn't it?

My body, his choice.

I mean, how hard could it be? Mum did it. Yeah.

But I thought that's why we agreed the bloodline should stop with us.

What are you two whispering about in here?

We're talking about boys. Nicky said he loved me tonight.

Yeah, but if you're having sex, it doesn't count.

And Josie's back with Seb. Look at us.

Spinsters no more.

Sometimes you don't realise that you're sat right next

to your Prince Charming because he's on his iPad.

Look at me and Dev.

That TV's been on pause for ten minutes.

Not said one word to each other.

Bliss! I think you're supposed to talk to each other.

I like that he's quiet. Stoic.

What goes on behind his eyes is none of my business.

We are completely comfortable with each other.

Doesn't that mean you have nothing in common? That's not my problem.

Then why do you keep asking us to come in, then?

That had better not be going in the sink.

That's £1.67 in that glass.

If you pour it, you finish it.

But I'm not supposed to... Drink it!

Good girl.

So I'll go back to the bar and tell Sid I'll kill myself

unless she goes out with me?

I think we need to be less intense - we're chill-casual girlies.

Cool. Yeah, chill.

So when are you going to tell Nicky you're casually having his baby?

Yeah. See, this is the thing.

I just think being pregnant feels a bit desperate.

What do you mean?

He's flighty.

He's mysterious.

That's what he likes about me.

I'm also an enigma. Hmm.

I just think being pregnant with this baby feels like

I might be a bit too available. You make a strong point.

Yeah. So new tactic -

I'm going to be as unavailable as possible.

Get him jealous.

Or you could tell him the truth.

Uh, hello, Psych Ward.

My sister needs to be readmitted. She's lost the fucking plot.

Listen to me - I don't want to scare him off.

What, like right now?

Uh, no, with a baby. Are you sure you shouldn't just tell him?

No. This is loads better.

Trust me, it's mother's intuition.

Move!

POP MUSIC PLAYS

Hang up from the Samaritans. You're giving me a fucking hickey!

Why? Because I've been texting Nicky all day,

telling him not to contact me because I'm unavailable

and he's not texted me fucking once.

So I've got a new plan.

I'm going to show up to the club tonight with a hickey,

like I've been hooking up with someone. Off you go, then.

Can't someone else do it? Who? We don't know anyone.

Stuff like this is why I wish we had female friends. Nah.

No such thing.

All right, if I do this, will you come to Sid's bar with me?

I'm afraid to go in. Yes, yes. Fine.

For God's sake, Josie, it's pathetic being this obsessed with someone.

Now, hurry up and suck my neck.

JOSIE WHIMPERS

Yeah, that'll do. Thanks. That'll flare up really nice.

Why are you so sweaty?

It's called "the glow". You wouldn't understand

because you're not a mother, you long, ratty freak.

At what point do you think the maternal instinct kicks in?

I don't know.

I'm still hoping it might happen for Mum.

Do I look feminine? You look great.

Do I look nice?

You look like the before picture in a makeover show.

Can you give us a lift?

Sure. I'll just get my keys.

Shall I ask the butler to turn the linen down later, too, Your Majesty?

Rinse the shit off your chamber pot?

No, thank you. Right.

I'm just about ready.

Dev and I can have a conversation tonight.

Bond. Oh, Mum, that's the divorce champagne. You can't take that.

I promised to open it when the debt your narcissistic prick of a father

left us in was paid off.

I don't think I can make that day happen by myself.

We need Dev.

That man is our Willy Wonka ticket out of fucking hell.

Trust me, it will be worth it.

Go, Mum.

Go to Willy Wonka and get us that massive house.

DEV CHUCKLES

Buona sera.

THEY KISS

Allow me, madame!

DEV CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh, lovely!

Yes, you can put that with Mark and Jen's.

BOTTLE CLUNKS

Come and meet the gang.

SHE SIGHS

What, that one over there?

Are you sure? Yeah. I'm so scared.

I'm not surprised. She's beautiful.

It's almost like she's a different species to you.

I'm not homophobic, but the two of you together feels unnatural.

I know. She's so beautiful

I feel like apologising for her having to look directly at me.

What if we lean in to kiss and I accidentally suck out her soul?

Agreed.

If I was you, I'd probably give up now.

Maybe she'll spot me across the room

and realise I'm the fucked-up love of her life. Don't think so.

Sometimes me and Mum forget you're even there when

you're standing right next to us. PHONE BUZZES

Oh, my God.

He's replied. Nicky's invited me to the club.

He wants to be with me.

He's wanted to be with me all along. I knew it!

Yes! He DOES love me.

Right, I've got to go.

My man needs me.

You've just given me a fucking hickey, you bitch.

Fuck's sake!

How do you get a hickey off?

OK!

Mark, Jen, this is Deb.

DEV CHUCKLES

Right. Well, I'll just go and check on my shakshuka.

Honestly, Dev has been truly incredible, given the circumstances.

Yes, the whole thing has been terrible.

I thought he'd never move on. What do you mean?

Well, he just really struggles to connect with people. Yes.

I used to get worried because he's always on his iPad

and I thought he might be looking at porn, but I had a look.

It's almost always something from Grange Hill.

Oh... Yeah, well, sort of.

I just mean, since his wife's passing, he's not been the same.

Yes.

Obviously. She was gorgeous.

A natural beauty.

We'll never be able to understand what he's gone through.

I keep telling him to join a support group.

Yes, but it's mostly women who have lost their partners.

You know, I suspect they use it mainly as a dating service.

HE LAUGHS

I can't imagine what losing your partner must be like.

Absolutely.

I think it looks fine.

Yeah.

This is better, actually.

I'm going to say I've been in an accident.

Whiplash. Was in a really fit boy's BMW

and he emergency stopped trying to kiss me. Yeah?

And I said, "Uh, no, thanks, I'm with Nicky. I'm loyal to my man."

But the seat belt had already jabbed into my neck.

Right. I'm off. See you. Wait, what am I supposed to do?

Josie, she likes you BECAUSE of your trauma.

It's your superpower - you've got this.

I'm very nervous.

You're a complete waste of space.

Mum wishes she'd never had you. Dad liked me more than you

because we bonded over how much we dislike you. None of us like you.

If you don't lock that girl down, you're going to spend the rest

of your life in bed, holding hands with Seb,

staring down the barrel of forever,

waiting for death to come so you can have another go in the next life.

You're going to be an incredible mother.

SOBS SOFTLY

Sid! Sid! I forgot to tell you the best bit -

I got sectioned! Sorry? I'm completely unhinged.

I've tried to kill myself twice.

I just gave my pregnant sister a hickey. Josie, I, um...

I wanted to speak to you about this, actually.

I had therapy yesterday. We talked about you.

Really? Yeah.

She said it's a bit unhealthy for us to bond over our trauma so soon.

I don't really know you. But that doesn't sound right.

What else are you supposed to talk about? Well, what else are you into?

You must have other stuff going on.

What do you mean?

You're more than all your trauma, aren't you?

You've got to be.

Yeah, obviously.

Surely you have other stuff going on.

You know - friends, hobbies, ambitions.

Sorry, this is a little bit overwhelming.

Are we going to kiss?

Oh, I don't know. I don't kiss strangers.

I think you need to work out who you are first.

Who are you?

Who are you, really, Josie?

I'll be right back.

THEY LAUGH

You know, I must say, I'm very impressed with the way

you've handled this year, Dev.

Deb and I haven't actually spoken about... It's all right.

I know.

You know?

Yes. And I think you're being very brave.

Oh... I miss her.

What a girl.

Outdoorsy, wholesome, fantastic cook.

Hard to ever replace her.

That's the kind of connection that takes years to create. Hmm.

I really do think that support group would be good.

I know it's mostly women, but... My husband died too.

Did he?

I did not know that.

I thought you were separated. Oh, yes.

By death.

It was a tragic accident.

What happened? If you don't mind talking about it.

Well, I do find it a bit hard to talk about, but...

He was a wonderful man.

Kind, generous.

Then one day, he was leaving the house to take Josie

to her dance school audition.

I couldn't go because I was busy

reading to children with dodgy eyesight.

Anyway, he was rushing his dinner because he was running a bit late.

Ended up choking on a chicken goujon on his way out.

Oh, that is terrible.

Yeah, awful.

It was a very gruesome death.

Soiled himself in the accident.

Paramedics say it's the most embarrassing thing

they've ever walked in on.

I blame myself a bit, but mostly I blame Josie

because it was her fault.

It still hurts to think about,

so please don't ask any more questions.

LINE RINGS

What is it? Are you dying? Mum, can you pick me up, please?

I'm having big feelings.

Well, can you force them down?! I'm a bit busy!

Just quickly, do you know who I am?

Fuck yes!

Thank God for that. Who am I?

Hello?

DEB GASPS

Mum?

DEB PANTS

DEV CHUCKLES, MUFFLED

CHUCKLES

Hang on.

To Spencer.

May he rest in peace.

MUSIC BLARES

Are you Billie? Yeah.

Nicky wants you. Does he need me?

I knew it.

Excuse me, everyone.

My man needs me.

Took your fucking time. I've been in a whiplash.

That was an emergency kiss. Shut up!

Nicky here is saying that this is yours.

Uh... Exactly. Yeah.

So like I said, I was in the club, minding my business,

and then my girlfriend's pulled out this baggie,

which I had no idea about.

She asked me to look after it while she goes to the toilet.

It's fucking... It's nothing to do with me.

Is this yours, miss?

G...

Girlfriend?

That's right.

I'm his girlfriend.

You can do this.

You are a strong, confident woman.

A strong, confident woman

who doesn't know what she wants and is afraid to get it.

Sorry, everyone.

Just me and my boyfriend coming through.

Right, back to mine?

Nah, mate.

You got kicked out, not me.

I'll text you later, all right?

Nicky called me his girlfriend tonight.

Wow! That's amazing. I know.

Please don't have his baby.

Yeah, I'm probably not going to.

I don't know what it is, but something is telling me

he might be a bit unreliable. He'd be a terrible dad.

Like Dad. Dad might still come back.

He only went out for teabags.

Why does everyone keep talking about him like he's dead?

Please don't bring their dead father up to the girls.

His passing has been traumatic,

and they still haven't moved past the denial stage.

Of course.

Girls, I just wanted to say I think you're both so brave

and you've been through a lot. Yeah, I know. Thank you.

Finally, someone's saying it.

I had no idea about your father.

All I can do is offer you my condolences.

What?!

Girls, can we have a little quick, fun family private chit-chat?

I've told Dev your father's dead.

It's your fault, Josie.

He's not dead. He only left for teabags.

Yeah, ten years ago.

They do move stuff around in that shop a lot, though.

I told Dev that he died on the way to Josie's audition

for dance school. OK, great. So I killed him?

Sorry. It felt right.

That's the plot of Save The Last Dance.

I know, I'm sorry. It was on Sky last night after you went to bed.

Luckily, Dev wasn't watching cos he was on his iPad.

He's not dead. He's not.

Billie, I'm sorry for saying that your father's dead.

But trust me, when you're a mother, you'll understand.

Can I talk to you about something? Why? Are you pregnant?

No. OK, good.

I dread the day we have that conversation.

I never see any condoms in your bin,

and Lord knows we all hear you having sex.

Remember, pregnancy is game over.

Getting pregnant with Josie was the worst mistake of my life,

and not just because it was with Josie.

Should I go?

Sorry. I didn't realise you were still here.

Apparently, I tried to kick her away like giraffes at the zoo

when they can tell there's something wrong with their baby,

but the nurses just handed her back and told me she was fine.

How wrong they were. Having Josie meant that I was stuck

with your father for 18 years.

Really?

Imagine being stuck with the same man, trapped,

unable to leave,

for 18 years.

Lockdown.

Wow.

That sounds terrible.

Fuck, yes. We're going to call him Nicky.

What if it's a girl?

Nicky.

This isn't as fun for me if you're crying. Sorry. Hormones.

I just wasn't expecting you to react like this.

Wait...

What, this isn't roleplay?

Do YOU know who I am?

You're Josie.

You're my girlfriend.

And that's enough.

Yeah. OK.

That IS enough.

I'm sorry. I've been silly.

That's OK.

But, you know, you never have to have big feelings ever again.

Thank you.

I used to think love was about electricity and passion,

but that's not real.

Love is feeling safe.

With you, my heart is quiet.

Like, numb.

It feels really nice.

You make me feel numb.

Seb, please, my dad just died.