Original subtitles

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales]

- What are you doin'? - Tryin' to make my hair grow faster.

Mom, is it hard to make a volcano?

I need to make one for my science fair.

Start with somethin' a little easier, like making your bed.

Hey, Mrs. H, can I help Jake build his volcano?

- Really? - Yeah.

I've always wanted to do that.

My father hated doin' stuff with me.

He would always have my projects professionally made.

One year, for science fair, my project was a dialysis machine.

Thanks, Van.

Can we make the volcano spit real fire?

[laughing] Real fire! Well, let's not get carried away.

Huge fire.

Hey, Reba.

Just so you know, the situation is under control.

What situation?

Is Kyra allergic to any medicines?

- Is Kyra sick? - Sorry. Yeah. Yeah.

I need to borrow a heating pad and a blowtorch.

- Yeah. - A blowtorch?

Well, I'm making crème brûlée, but that's not the point.

- Oh, honey, what's wrong? - I'll tell you what's wrong.

She's sick. On Tuesday.

The day I read to the blind.

Who's going to tell them I'm not there?

Let's take a look.

Put your tongue out.

Put your tongue in.

Put your tongue out.

♪ Now shake it all about ♪

Reba, you do not hokey pokey with the ill.

She's fakin'.

Trust me. I can spot a sick kid from 50 yards in a dense fog.

And she's not sick. All right, Kyra, what's goin' on with you?

- Nothing. - [chuckles]

Okay, you can tell me why you're fakin' it,

or you can go to school right now.

But if I told you why I was faking, then you'd know I was faking,

and then you'd make me go to school anyway.

- So, there's really no upside. - Mm-hmm.

Well, I suggest you change, or you're gonna go to school in your jammies.

Fine.

I hope I get sick for real.

Oh, that'll teach us.

Man, I am so easily fooled.

I wonder if all those people I read to are really blind.

I think some of 'em are just lazy.

- Did that seem odd to you? - Yes.

Why?

Because Kyra's never faked being sick.

She's faked being well, 'cause she wants to go to school.

I'm gonna call down to the school, see if something's going on.

Or, we could disguise ourselves as teenage girls

and infiltrate her circle of friends.

Oh, boy.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Well, hey there, pretty girl.

Oh, no!

You said you'd help me reorganize the attic.

You are not hittin' the course right now.

You know, sweetheart, since golf is gonna be my new job,

we really should consider the course as my office.

So, I'm going to the office.

Sit down, Brock. We need to talk.

Well, isn't this great? Maybe I should get a third wife.

Then I'd never have to play golf.

What's up?

Well, after Kyra's little "illness" this morning,

I made a call down to the school.

Apparently, she's been absent four times this month.

Hey.

Whoops! My mistake.

I walked into the room marked "Lynch Mob."

Park it!

Kyra, is it true you missed four days of school?

Barbra Jean, you signed the notes.

You tricked me! You didn't want my autograph!

And on the days when she did attend school, she was cuttin' classes.

- Cutting? You don't cut classes. - Exactly!

And I, for one, would like to know what's going on, little missy.

Nothing's going on.

Kyra, we're gonna get to the bottom of this,

even if it means we have to stay here till...

3:15 to do it.

Fine. A couple of kids at school have been giving me a hard time,

and, some days, I don't feel like dealing with it.

[gasps]

It's always the bullies,

or the jocks, or the preps.

The nerds aren't all that friendly either.

How long has this been goin' on?

My whole life.

Kyra?

I don't know. A while.

- Sweetheart, why didn't you say anything? - Yeah.

Why? So you could call a parent-teacher conference

and embarrass me in front of everyone?

- No. - No.

So we could discuss the situation and find a rational solution.

I think we should call a parent-teacher conference.

Oh, no. You do not go cryin' to the teacher.

[scoffs] That only gets you shoved in a locker

with chalk up your nose and duct tape in your hair.

Honey, I wish I'd been there to protect you.

Except you were 34.

It would be easier if I could just switch schools.

Kyra. Honey.

In my experience, there are only two ways to deal with bullies.

You can hide in the bushes until they forget about you,

or you can buy them presents.

[imperceptible]

Which reminds me, Reba, I picked you up a little something at the mall yesterday.

Oh, hey, Mrs. H. If you need us,

we're gonna be in the garage building our mountain of death.

This puppy's gonna have molten lava,

miniature trees and tiny little villagers running for their lives.

- Say hello to Pedro. - Oh.

Hello, Pedro.

He's a blacksmith, and he's about to die.

- Can I play with him? - No!

[chuckles] Well, I mean, just be careful, buddy. They're fragile.

- [Van chuckles] - [Jake humming]

Reba, we have a situation. And this time, it's real.

Yeah. We were called down to pick up Kyra from school.

Apparently, she got into an argument with some girl

and punched her in the mouth.

What? Kyra hit someone? Kyra, is this true?

Ah, you know how it is on the playground.

One minute, we're drinkin', the next, we're throwing punches.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Kyra.

Man, I hope I can move out one day, so I can constantly be here.

Don't mess with Kyra. She punched a girl at school.

Oh. I knew it was only a matter of time before Miss Congeniality snapped.

Spell "congeniality."

Spell "no."

Okay. Spell "knock it off."

All right, girls, we don't have time for this Cheyenne-Kyra lovefest.

Kyra, what's going on with you?

- Nothing. - We're losin' her, Reba.

Losin' her to the mean streets of Houston.

- Why would you punch some girl? - It's how she shows affection.

That's right. So why don't you come here for a little hug?

- Oh! - Girls! Girls! Girls!

Stop it.

Kyra, start talking.

She started messing with me, so I took a swing at her.

I didn't even think I'd connect. It's no big deal.

Oh, I think a little girl going home from school

with a steak pressed to her face is a big deal.

What on God's green earth made you snap?

Have you considered the fact that she's a total psycho?

- Shut up. - You shut up.

- Girls, this is your last warning. - I gotta get out of here.

Kyra, what did that girl do to make you lose it?

She called Cheyenne a slut, okay?

She called Cheyenne a slut, so I punched her.

Oh, my gosh! My psycho sister loves me!

Kyra standing up for Cheyenne.

I hear the words, but I can't wrap my head around them.

I cannot believe that girl called me a slut.

I was so far from a slut. I was a tease.

Cheyenne, if you were a tease, I wouldn't be a grandfather yet.

Even if Kyra was standing up for Cheyenne,

we still have a huge problem. She decked that girl.

But she was defending a member of our family,

- which is what our family has always done. - Yes.

Reba, if I didn't know better, I'd say you approve of this.

- Is that a slam against my family? - Whoa! Hey! Hey!

Come on, Barbra Jean.

- You heard what that girl called me. - Yeah.

Plus, it takes one to know one.

Except I'm not one.

But if I was one, then she would have to be one, you know...

too.

- Kyra still has to be punished. - Oh, you got that right.

If we don't, she could turn on us.

And I bruise like a peach.

I do not want my baby sister to suffer

because of some name-calling girl, who I bet is stupid and ugly.

Just be tough with her, Reba.

It's the only thing her kind understands.

Oh, hey there, buttercup.

Kyra. Kyra, come here.

Look at me.

I want you to hear me when I say this, okay?

I love

you loving me.

I do.

Wow. That almost wasn't about you.

Kyra, we're all very happy that you stuck up for your sister.

Yes, but hitting that girl was wrong,

and there need to be consequences.

So, you're going have to be punished, right, Reba?

[sighs] Yes.

I'm sorry, but your dad's right.

So, I'm afraid there will be no Jackson Browne concert next month.

- Who the heck is Jack-- - Ah!

Don't push it.

I never knew you felt that way about me.

Can we not make a big deal about this?

Anything you want.

Because, as of now, we are spending every free moment together.

I'm taking you to the mall.

- Wha-- What? - Come on!

No. Please, just one more punch.

[tv playing indistinctly]

Jake? Shouldn't you and Van be workin' on your project?

Van gave me $10 to leave him alone.

What?

Bring me a virgin!

Mrs. H, you have to take a look at this.

First, smoke and glowing lights signal the eruption.

Then this trigger mixes the vinegar and baking soda to form the lava.

And then, finally, a spring-loaded mechanism

sends the whole thing straight to the ceiling.

[laughs maniacally]

You want to see? You probably should wear goggles.

Van, did Jake help you build this?

Oh, yeah, about that, he's not very good with his hands.

This is Jake's project, not yours.

Plus, that thing weighs more than he does.

But-- But Mrs. H, look at it.

It's beautiful. There's no way he won't get an "A."

An "A" is not the point.

Do you even remember school?

Do you remember when I helped Jake build his model of the Alamo last year?

Oh, you're kidding. He had help with that?

Hmm.

He put glitter in the courtyard and a unicorn in the stables.

Two details you won't find in the history book, but it was cute.

I let him do it his way because it was his project.

And after we were finished, he felt good about it.

How is this any different than what your father used to do with you?

- You're right. - Yeah.

- I've turned into my dad. - Well.

Next thing you know, I'll be

calling people "sport" and gettin' hair plugs.

[remote clicks]

Hey, listen, sport.

- [gasps] - [mouthing] Go on.

Look, maybe this volcano's a little...

busy.

How about me and you, we make another one, together.

- What do you say? - Really?

Do I have to?

- Yes. - Okay.

But instead of lava, can it shoot out glitter?

Glitter. [chuckles]

Sure. We'll call it "Volcano, the Musical."

Kyra, I'm just saying that you should kiss as many boys as you can,

because one day you wake up and boom!

It's senior year and you're married.

Well, if it isn't the Bobbsey Twins. You guys have a good time?

- Oh, it was great! - That's the first breath she's taken.

- [laughing] You are so hilarious. - Ow.

It is so cool having such a hilarious sister.

Take good care of my hilarious sister while I'm upstairs, okay, Mommy?

Well, if you were a little older, I'd offer you a drink.

- Let me make you some tea? - Thanks. Oh, wait. Wait a minute.

Mom, I gotta confess something.

And if you ever tell anyone I said this, I'll deny it,

and I'll never tell you anything ever again, ever.

What is it?

I actually had a pretty good time with her.

[laughing]

Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

Nobody would have believed it anyway.

[whistling]

Reba, we have a huge problem.

No, we don't. Cheyenne and Kyra are friends.

- All's well in the world. - Yeah.

Uh, I just got a call from Kyra's principal.

They have a zero-tolerance policy towards violence.

- They're kicking her out of school. - What? They can't do that!

Zero tolerance, Reba.

Do you know how much tolerance they have?

Zero.

That's completely unfair. She's one of their best students.

I told them that.

Sure, she had a little lapse in judgment, but that's no reason to ruin her life.

- I told them that, too. - Well, you didn't tell them loud enough.

I'm gonna go down there and talk to those people.

Yeah, I told them that, too.

You know who else has zero tolerance?

Reba!

Mom, do you think we should be doing this?

They're gonna get mad. They might kick Jake out of school.

Kyra, you stood up for Cheyenne.

We're gonna stand up for you.

- But I don't-- - No buts!

That's what family does, okay? Have a seat.

I've been out of high school almost 30 years.

It still makes me nervous to go to the principal's office. [chuckles]

Are you chewing gum?

- No. - [sighs]

Yes, you are. Are you trying to get us into even more trouble?

Now, get rid of it. Swallow it.

[gags]

I'm good. Okay. I'm good.

So, what's our plan of attack?

Okay. Well, we open up with Kyra's school record.

Straight-A student, honor roll, that sort of thing.

And then we point out that there are thousands of students in this school,

and she's only decked one.

Wow. That is brilliant.

- Thank you. - [hiccups]

Hey!

My gum came back.

That is a good omen.

- Hey, guys. - Cheyenne.

Oh, it was so sweet of you to come down here to support your sister.

Are you kidding me? After what Kyra did for me,

there is no way I'm lettin' them kick her out of school.

Mom, do we really have to do this?

Honey, look, I know you're nervous,

but we've got to go in there and tell them what happened.

I just want to go home.

- I know. - Sweetheart, it'll be fine.

Hey, I've got a great idea.

We should have Cheyenne tell the story.

- Can you cry on cue? - Are you kidding?

Guess who has never had a traffic ticket.

- [laughs] - Me, too!

Okay. Cheyenne and I are gonna cry.

Mom.

Don't worry. If it looks fake, I'll make 'em stop.

Stop.

Mrs. Hart?

Mom, don't do this.

- Kyra, I told you-- - I wasn't defending Cheyenne!

I wanted to get kicked out.

Are you coming?

Uh...

we're gonna need a minute.

What are you talkin' about?

Are you saying that girl didn't call me a slut?

No, she called you a slut and a loser and a teenage baby machine.

[gasps] You could have just said yes.

I know.

She also said that I was gonna be just like Cheyenne.

Which is what everybody says all the time.

I'm just tired of hearing, "Hey, Kyra, how many kids are you gonna have by prom?"

[gasps]

Well, did you also say that Cheyenne is going to college now,

and she has an A-minus average?

It's not my job to defend her.

I just want to live my own life.

I want to go to some school where nobody's heard of Cheyenne.

Kyra, I'm sorry you're carrying all this weight.

- But you're goin' about this all wrong. - What am I supposed to do?

Stay here and be miserable for the next three years?

Honey, when things are tough, you stick with it.

Well, at least I didn't hit anybody.

Kyra, honey.

We've gotta go in there and tell them what's been going on.

Because if we decide to go to another school, it needs to be on your terms,

not because you were kicked out.

So you'll let me transfer?

We'll cross this bridge, and then we'll talk about it.

- All right. - Ready?

I'll be there in a minute.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I'm glad you had a good laugh.

You know, I was an idiot to think you actually liked me.

I did like you.

- I do like you. - Yeah, right.

You know what? You fool me once and--

Well, I don't know the rest of the saying, but you are not gonna fool me again.

At the mall, in the car, at home,

all the times you weren't hugging me,

I liked talking to you.

[laughs] Oh.

Oh.

All the times you weren't hugging me.

Oh, sorry.

So, what was your favorite part about talking to me?

- All the words you mispronounced. - Oh!

You are hilarious!

There is no way I'm letting them kick my hilarious sister out of school.

[closing theme music playing]