Original subtitles

Hey, Mom. You got a minute?

Honey, not this mornin'. I am runnin' so late for work.

Well, I kinda wanted your advice about boys.

I'll call in sick.

Boy advice? I'm your older sister. That's my birthright.

No offense, but I decided not to ask you for advice

when your water broke during high school graduation.

You're seriously asking Mom for advice about boys?

Barbra Jean would be better than Mom. I would be better than Barbra Jean.

It goes me, Barbra Jean, Dad, Van, Jake... then Mom.

I'm glad we don't have a dog.

Barbra Jean is nuts, and Dad, well, as he puts it, he was a teenage boy once, too.

And apparently, a creepy one.

I can't talk to my friends, because everybody would know which guy I like.

Wait a minute, are you sayin' there was nobody left, so you came to me?

Fine, I'll take it. [chuckles]

You know a bunch of kids from band have been hanging out after practice, right?

I do now.

Anyways, there's this guy, Scott, who plays trombone,

and he's funny, and he has blue eyes, and he's really cute.

And does he have an older brother? [chuckles]

Sorry.

Some people listen, and some people make jokes.

Anyways, I like him, and I think he likes me, too.

But when I drop hints about going to the movies or something,

he just cleans his spit valve.

- How can I tell if he likes me, too? - I can think of, like, ten ways.

How many can you come up with?

I have one. You can ask him out to the movies.

Ask him out? That is the worst advice I've ever heard.

A girl can't wait around forever for a guy to clean his spit valve.

[scoffs]

If you want to know if he likes you, just ask him out!

What if he says no?

Well then, say, "Thank you very much" and move on to the woodwinds.

- I guess it's better than not knowing. - Yeah.

- Thanks, Mom. - Yeah.

[chuckling] Did you hear that?

[inhales deeply] Kyra and I talked about dating.

I'm gonna put that in her baby book.

- Mom, work? - Right! I'll do that later.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey-hey!

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

There she is. Get her, Brock.

Did you tell Kyra to ask a boy out on a date?

I know. Can you believe Kyra asked Mom for advice about boys?

That's right. When it comes to givin' Kyra advice about boys,

it goes, Me, Jake, Van, and then Cheyenne.

But what about me? Don't I make the list?

Oh, you're at the top of another list.

Well, the boy said yes, so thanks to you, she has a date on Friday.

Yes! Kyra took my advice, and it worked! That goes in the book.

- Kyra has a date because of Mom? - Yeah.

- [scoffs] This is crazy! - Yeah.

What's next? Jake's gonna give good fashion advice?

Well, he did pick out my shirt today.

I need to lie down.

Well, since you two are already upset,

Jake called from Vegas, he married a showgirl.

- Are you finished teasin'? - Yes-- Wait!

Yes.

This is a real problem, Reba. Kyra's not allowed to date until she's 18.

Eighteen? She's not allowed to date through high school?

It's a good rule. And it worked wonderfully until you undermined us.

Hey, don't blame me. Kyra didn't tell me about it.

Well, she's not entirely at fault. We haven't told her yet.

Oh, so you guys have a bunch of secret rules!

Did you write 'em down in invisible ink?

She's 14. It hadn't come up yet.

And I was ready to ban dating altogether after what happened to Cheyenne.

Something happened to Cheyenne?

- Hey! - [B.J.] Yeah.

I think Kyra's mature enough to handle herself.

It doesn't matter how mature Kyra is.

- It's the guy that's the problem. - Oh, the guy? I'm the problem!

Why don't you and the rest of the villagers

grab your torches and run me out of town?

I'm not talking about you, Van.

I'm talking about teenage boys who have only one thing on their mind.

Well, I got news for you, Mr. H. I'm a teenage boy.

And you know what I got on my mind?

Nothin'!

Well, I think you guys are overreacting.

They're two 14-year-olds goin' to a movie.

We'll meet the boy here. I'll drop 'em off and pick 'em up. It'll be fine!

It's not fine. You should have checked with us

before you told Kyra she could go out.

I should have checked with you?

I really believe that, as parents,

we three should present a united front.

- Yeah. - That's a good idea, Barbra Jean.

- Except you're not Kyra's parent. - [gasps] Mean!

Well, for the past three months,

I've been parent enough to make her dinner and do her laundry.

Wow. Three whole months!

That is hard!

I mean, I just gave birth to her. You made her a sandwich!

- Raising Kyra is my job. - [Brock clears throat]

Yeah, and his, too.

So, like always, Reba's right and we're wrong.

Good. Remember that, and we won't have these arguments.

I hope you know what you're doin', Reba.

- Come on, Barbra Jean. - Fine.

And maybe next time, I'll marry somebody whose ex-wife appreciates me.

[clicks tongue]

- Hey, honey. How was practice? - Violent.

Those pro guys are tough and mean.

And they do not like pretty boys.

No, it's probably because you're new.

No, no, no. I'm the best-looking guy on the team.

- Hey, Jake. How was school? - That depends.

- Is Mom home? - No.

Then school was great! Would you sign her name on this?

You threw a pencil at a girl in school?

- Why do boys act like that? - Whoa! Whoa!

Why do boys act like that? Is that what you think?

Is that what you want our daughter to think?

That boys are automatically the bad guy?

He's not automatically the bad guy, Van. It's just--

I mean, come on! They just are.

I bet Jake had a good reason. Tell her, Jake.

- I was mad. - That's not good enough. Dig deeper.

Jill Campbell was writing notes about how she loves me

and passing them to her friends.

- She wouldn't stop. - There ya go.

The girl started it. And I bet she didn't get into trouble, did she?

Girls don't get in trouble, Van.

Girls don't get in trouble, Cheyenne.

It's always the guy! Jake here is a victim.

A victim of Jill Campbell's love and of a sexist society.

I got you, buddy. I got you.

Well, I never thought of it like that.

Me neither, but now that I have, I'm gonna do something about it.

[chuckles] Like what? You're gonna write a musical about men's issues?

- [laughing] - [laughing sarcastically] No!

Okay.

I'm gonna go talk to Jake's teacher.

I make up one song in the shower, and you won't let me live it down.

- Hey, Mom. - Hey!

You mind if I get dressed for my date here?

Things are a little tense at the convent.

I was hoping you would.

I've been working on this all day, and I've come up with

five sure-fire interesting topics for you guys to talk about.

- I'll just wait outside. - No!

Come here. Go on upstairs.

I'll try not to embarrass you.

- Is he here yet? - No.

Good, 'cause I don't like him.

But I'm gonna like him less when he gets here,

so I need to know how to pace myself.

Relax. This is Kyra's first date. We should be excited for her.

Oh, I'm excited. Of course that's because

I'm not Kyra's parent, so I don't care what happens to her.

Let the good times roll, I say!

I don't even know why we're meetin' this kid.

I know exactly what he's gonna say. "Hello, sir. Nice to meet you, sir."

Any 14-year-old punk that calls me sir is up to no good.

Believe me, I know what sir means.

It's a word kids use to trick old people.

Brock, I'm sure when you meet the boy,

you'll find that he's just a sweet, scared little kid.

Not all creepy like you were.

- [doorbell rings] - Kyra! Your date's here.

[laughs] How do I look?

- Just-- - Oh.

Hey. I'm Scott.

Is it cool that I parked my car in the driveway?

You're Scott?

With a car? That you drive?

Fourteen-year-olds don't drive.

I know. I'm 17. [splutters] And there's no need to worry.

I've had my license for over a year, and never gotten a ticket.

Your daughter is safe with me, sir.

Oops.

Hey, Scott. Looks like you met my parents.

- So, are we ready to go? - [both] No!

Uh, no need to rush off. I mean, the night is young.

Not as young as you thought.

Why don't you two have a seat?

Your father and I will get you a snack in the kitchen.

- Okay. - [B.J. chuckles]

Scott.

Right here.

Hi.

I'm not Kyra's parent.

You kids want a beer?

- [Reba] Barbra Jean! - I'm coming!

Jake. Jake. Go in the living room and embarrass your sister.

Five bucks if you can chase the grown man away.

Seventeen. He's 17 years old.

Oh, man.

At 17, I was really bad.

Kyra threatened me.

That just means you're doin' your job. Get back in there.

What are we gonna do? I don't want Kyra datin' a 17-year-old boy.

But if we forbid her from dating, she's just gonna sneak around.

This is what happens when we do things your way.

I don't think this is a good time for finger-pointing.

Not when Tom Jones is sitting in our living room.

- Well, if you ask me-- - Well, I didn't!

All right!

You guys can stop pretending to get snacks.

Scott and I will grab something once we're in Mexico.

[scoffing] Very funny, Kyra.

Why didn't you tell us how old he is?

I'm 14, he's 17. What's the big deal?

- Dad's 45 and you're 42. - You're 45?

- The date is off. - But Mom said I could go!

- Yeah, well, now I'm saying you can't. - Kyra.

We can't allow you to go out with a 17-year-old all by yourself.

You and Scott can still see each other in groups.

Oh. Well, this is great. All my friends are busy, and he's already here.

Where am I gonna find a group?

[movie soundtrack plays]

Why do we have to see this movie?

It's full of TV actors.

This is the movie they wanted to see. They're the ones on the date.

We could have voted. There's more of us.

[Reba and Brock] Shh!

I can't see where they are. How'd you lose them already?

We didn't lose them! Besides, it's not like we're gonna sit right beside them.

- I know. In between. - No.

They deserve some privacy. Where in the heck are they?

[gasps] There they are in the front row. Come on.

We can set right here and keep an eye on them.

Excuse me. [clears throat]

I hate this.

Whose bright idea was it to have daughters?

Probably Reba's. She calls all the shots.

[softly] Barbra Jean, no talking in movie theaters.

From now on, whenever you're around me, pretend we're in a movie theater.

Did you see that? He's doin' the stretch and reach.

- He's gonna put his arm around her. - It's just an arm.

Just an arm?

Do you even know how babies are born?

Barbra Jean, would you please just stay out of this?

Head on shoulder? We have a head-on-shoulder situation.

Oh, that was fast. See what happens when you ignore the arm?

Nothing happens. Scott seems like a nice enough kid.

He didn't have any problem with us tagging along.

Besides, they both know we're here, and I don't think--

Oh, Lord. Did he just swallow her face?

They're kissing. My daughter's getting kissed right in front of me!

[patrons] Hey! Hey!

Does anyone else smell burnt toast? I think I'm having a stroke!

I don't care whose daughter she is. Date over.

Barbra Jean, would you stop parenting my child?

If anyone says no kissin', it's gonna be me.

And I say, "No Kissing!"

You're not Kyra.

[Kyra] Oh, my God.

There's my non-sexist seeker of justice.

- How'd it go with Jake's teacher? - What? Oh, good!

Good, like she agreed the girl was just as much to blame as Jake was?

- Yeah, pretty much. - Oh.

She moved her desk to the other side of the room and told her

to stay away from Jake at recess.

I liked her, okay? You blew it!

Well, I'm sorry!

Honey, I'm sorry.

But you stuck up for what you believed in, and you were right.

- Yeah, kinda. - What does that mean?

[sighs] Maybe Jake wasn't the bad guy, but I think I was the bad guy with you.

I mean, your dad was right.

I did have that thing on my mind.

I mean, you were so innocent and unsuspecting.

A little papaya ready to be plucked.

So I plucked.

And now, when they talk about

the thing that happened to Cheyenne, I'm the thing.

- Van, you're not "the thing." - I am.

And to be honest, I wasn't that innocent.

Could you elaborate on that, please?

I did tons of stuff to make you notice me.

Like walking past your locker in my drill-team uniform?

Yeah.

Pretending I needed a ride home 'cause my mom forgot to pick me up?

I mean, come on, Van.

What kind of mom forgets to pick her daughter up every day for a month?

- I just assumed she drank. - [chuckles]

- So, girls really do that kind of stuff? - Mm-hmm.

Is that why Tammy Torenzi did the same thing?

No. She's just a slut.

Thanks for not running away in fear after meeting my psycho parents.

It's... it's fine. Don't worry about it. And wait till you meet mine.

- My Dad makes his own pickles. - [chuckles]

Five minutes means five minutes.

You got...

four more minutes.

So, um, see you at school?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bye.

I don't get it. If you didn't want me to go on a date,

why didn't you just say so?

I did want you to go.

I just didn't want that other couple to have any fun.

Well, I was against it.

But once again, we did it your mom's way.

Well, my way didn't include

Barbra Jean puttin' her two cents in all night long.

Well, if you had listened to my two cents, Kyra wouldn't have gone on a date.

Kyra going on a date wasn't the problem.

- You're the problem! - You know what? I--

Will you stop? This is the problem.

The three of you fighting over everything I do.

I can live with rules, but you three have to agree on what they are.

Otherwise, I'm the one who suffers.

You ruined my first date.

Ruined?

Or made memorable?

I'm sorry. You're right. It wasn't fair to you.

From now on, your father and I will discuss all the rules

so there'll be no confusion.

And Barbra Jean.

You don't want this to work, do you?

- You're doing it again. - Okay, fine.

Barbra Jean can participate. But you two only get one vote.

- Why do we only get one? - One brain, one vote. That's the law.

Okay. So, I guess the three of us

are gonna have to figure out some system for making rules.

Well, I think, since she lives with us,

Brock and I should make the rules and then run them by you.

Or, I can put the rules in a car and run them over you.

[Brock groans]

I think the best system would be if I didn't have any rules

and I could prove how responsible I am.

All in favor?

Sorry. I was pulling for you.

Okay. I have a few rules that I would like to discuss.

Barbra Jean, you can vote on the rules, you can't make them.

- That's not fair! - I don't care what's fair!

You were right. I should have come to you.

- [grown-ups arguing] - Me. Mom.

- [B.J.] This is our house-- - Nobody's listening--

Jake! Good news, buddy.

I fixed everything with Jill Campbell.

I told her the reason you threw a pencil at her

was because you liked her. Guess what?

She's waitin' for you outside on the porch. [chuckles]

- Come on. - You talked to Jill Campbell?

Now, don't expect this every time, okay?

The next babe you get on your own, right?

I don't like Jill Campbell anymore.

I already threw something at Linda Osborne.

- [knocking at door] - Jake! You have a date!

No, Van. You have a date.

[knocking at door]

I was wrong. Jake doesn't live here anymore.

[closing theme music playing]