Original subtitles

Mom, you love me, right?

Sounds like a trick question, but, yes.

Great. Then pretend I called you a bad name and ground me.

Why?

Hey, hey!

Who's ready to go to Teddy Bears On Ice?

I'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap, young lady.

- You're grounded! - I hate you, Mom! [softly] Thanks.

- Nice try, Kyra. - [sighs]

Sorry.

Where's Jakey? I wanna get his picture taken with all the Teddy Bears.

He must be upstairs saying goodbye to his dignity.

What's the big deal? I'm lookin' forward to it.

They have Heineken on tap, so...

I thought you said you were gonna have Jakey ready to go.

He didn't sleep very well last night, Brock.

He had nightmares. Any idea why?

Dad let him watch scary movies.

You and the Teddy Bears started it.

So, he's learning how to process fear. It's a good thing.

It might not be the movies that scared him. It might be because--

Kyra!

- Because what? - Nothing.

- Dad's house is haunted. - [sighs]

Wow. How bitter am I about going to this thing?

Could we just let it go?

Well, the real estate agent told Dad that a former owner died in the house.

He didn't die in the house.

He just happened to be home at the time he passed away.

- You bought a haunted house? - It's not haunted!

And next to toxic mold, death is one of the best bargaining chips in real estate.

Now can we please stop talking about this before Barbra Jean hears?

Fine by me. Making Barbra Jean nuts is only fun when you don't live with her.

I don't live with her.

- No. No, Reba! You can't tell her! - Oh, why not?

Because she might get scared and keep you up at night?

It might help her learn to process fear.

I am not kidding, Reba. She really believes everything.

I mean, ghosts, witches.

She even thinks the bag boy down at the grocery store gave her the evil eye!

I like that kid.

Okay! We're all ready! [chuckles]

I don't wanna go!

I sat through your Christmas pageant. You're going.

You'll never believe what I heard about the people who used to live in your house.

Oh, really? What?

[laughing] We better get going if we wanna beat the traffic.

Come on, Jake. Let's go.

Wow, I've heard of people dyin' to sell their house, but, wow!

Okay, everybody in the car, away from Reba.

Oh, Brock. I'm just teasing.

I'm not gonna tell Barbra Jean that someone died in your house.

Unless it slips.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey-hey!

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

[rattling]

She nailed the drawers shut. And hid the knives.

Not that I was looking for one.

[rattling]

- Why did you do this? - Ghosts like to open drawers.

So do I.

Since when?

Since your ghostly essence entered my husband's weak vessel?

- Brock, can you hear me? Brock. - [groans]

I am not possessed, Barbra Jean.

And there is nothing wrong with this house.

For pity's sake, we've lived here for three months, and nothing has happened!

What about all those noises I heard in the garage last week?

Is that what you're worried about, sweetheart?

I have good news. It was rats.

Well, how about when all my Beanie Babies ended up in the attic?

That was--

- You're right. That was a little weird. - Yeah.

[doorbell rings]

That's no way to answer the door in a haunted house.

You're supposed to go... [in deep voice] ..."You rang?" [groans]

- [laughs] - Oh, that's very funny.

Well, I hope you're happy. You've made Barbra Jean crazy.

Oh, Barbra Jean was born crazy, Brock.

I can't take credit for God's work.

All right, fine. You made your point.

I won't let Jake watch any more scary movies.

Now, will you please tell Barbra Jean there are no ghosts in this house?

- Why don't you tell her? - Oh, she won't listen to me.

I still can't convince her that the ghost won't get us

just because we're not all in the same room.

[B.J.] Family safety count! One!

- Two. - [B.J.] Kyra!

Three.

Please, Reba. Talk to her. She'll listen to you.

Oh. Hi, Reba.

You are Reba, aren't you?

You're Reba, all right.

- Oh, and you can be number four. - Okay.

What number is that lady behind you?

Oh, what lady?

- [screams] - Barbra Jean!

No. No lady. There is no lady.

No, because she just went through that wall.

Oh!

Oh, my gosh. Is it suddenly chillier in here? Brr.

- Oh, gosh! - Brr!

Like a grave! Oh, I gotta get out of here.

[laughing]

- What did you do that for? - I can't help it. It's funny.

Funny? Funny? You think it's funny

that I had to spin around ten times last night before I got into bed?

I broke a perfectly good lamp!

[chuckling] It's a little funny.

I can't stay here. We're gonna spend the day at the mall.

- Reba! - Yeah, you'll be safer there.

Or... or... or you could just hang out at Reba's.

Ooh! Even better! I'll see you at home, Reba.

Now it's a little funny.

[B.J.] And that's when I saw it.

All the sticks at the base of that tree,

spelled out the words, "Barbra Jean."

But not in a language anyone's ever seen before.

Oh, my gosh. I know that language.

[speaking gibberish]

- [in English] What does that mean? - Go home!

Well, where do you want me to go?

Brock's still at work, and Kyra's not home from school yet.

You certainly don't expect me to be alone in a house with a ghost.

- You have a ghost? - Oh, yeah. Someone died there.

[laughs] That doesn't mean anything.

Where you get this crazy connection

between ghosts and dead people is beyond me.

You know what?

- I wonder if anyone ever died here. - People died in our house?

[chuckling] Not yet.

- Hey, Jake. You want a Popsicle? - Oh, I ate the last one.

- Okay. How 'bout a cookie? - Nope. Those are gone, too.

- Ice cream? - Guilty.

I think the ghost at her house starved to death.

All right. Henry and Elizabeth are finally down for their nap.

Oh, you guys, thanks so much for watching Henry.

I couldn't possibly let a baby spend the night in a haunted house.

I don't believe in ghosts. I believe in the circle of life.

Hakuna tatata-ta!

You know, it's great for Elizabeth to have someone her own age to play with.

I mean, how much time can an adult spend playing peek-a-boo?

Tell me about it. "Where's Elizabeth?"

- I know she's right there. - [Cheyenne] Yeah.

Well, we don't play those kind of games with Henry.

We give him toys that expand his mind.

- Henry plays with that? - Uh-huh.

Isn't that toy for, like, ages five and up?

Oh, yeah.

But they just put those ages on the box to make dumb kids' parents feel better.

- So, what does Elizabeth play with? - Mostly her feet.

- [B.J.] Oh. - She can fit five toes in her mouth.

Anyway, I bet Reba's looking for me by now.

[shouts] Reba! Hey, wait Reba!

We need to get Elizabeth a tutor, now.

Van. [chuckles]

So, that's why I didn't become a zookeeper.

Because once a kangaroo decides it doesn't like you, forget it.

[laughs] So, tell me some of your unfulfilled dreams.

Most of them involve you.

And a train.

- Hey. - [Brock] Well, isn't this cozy?

Reba, I've gotta thank you. You know, I would have worried,

leaving Barbra Jean all alone with that ghost you told her about.

Luckily, she was over here, safe with you all day long.

Okay, then, I can see you two have had enough fun.

Barbra Jean, honey, you can come home.

I found out that our house can't be haunted,

because the man who died there had a very peaceful passing.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and then his wife, insane with grief,

killed herself and their pet dog.

Kyra!

[imperceptible]

She was on her way back to your house.

I know. I nipped that one in the bud.

Okay. So it's come down to this.

Barbra Jean, I got you a little something.

- Oh. - Here ya go.

"Getting Rid of the Unwanted."

- I saw it and thought of you. - Oh!

- [mouthing] - What is it?

It's instructions for cleansing your house of evil spirits.

But it's not that easy, though. It takes two people all night.

- Do you really have to have two people? - Yep.

One, two. [chuckles] Have fun, Brock.

Well, gee, thanks, Reba.

Unfortunately, I'm not gonna be home this weekend.

What?

He's got a golf trip in Vegas that he can't get out of.

Hey, I only get to play golf twice.

The rest of the time, I'm stuck in Vegas.

- Kyra? - Well, don't look at me.

- I'm spending the night at Tammy's. - You hate Tammy.

Yeah, but at least she doesn't walk around with a bloody ax calling,

"Here, Spot."

- [exclaims] - Hey, you know what?

Reba bought you the book. I bet she could help you get rid of that ghost.

Oh, Reba. Would you? I just can't live with an evil presence in my house.

Then you shouldn't have married him.

I'm sorry, Barbra Jean, but there is no way

I'm gonna spend the night at your house chasing ghosts.

Well, if you won't help me cleanse the house,

I guess I'm just gonna have to stay here until Brock gets back.

Oh, that'd be great. Then I could take the later flight home.

I've just got one thing to say to you.

[cursing in gibberish]

- [continues cursing in gibberish] - [in English] Oh, no, no, no, no!

Okay. Well, I'll call you when I get to the hotel.

Which I think is one of those really loud ones on the Strip.

I'm not gonna get any reading done.

- Okay, sweetums. I love you. - I love you more, huggums.

Man, this house is scary.

Okay, Reba, I'm gonna go get the stuff, and then we can get started.

Oh, if this weren't so terrifying, it'd be fun.

[chuckles]

Brock, next time you leave me for somebody,

make sure she's not a big old wimp.

[chuckles] It's too bad we can't all be as brave as you, Reba.

- Hey, you got a spider in your hair. - [scoffs] Nice try, Brock.

[whimpering]

Look out, ghosts! Reba's bustin' a move! [shrieking]

[imitates lock clicking] Okay.

Can we just get this over with, please?

Okey-doke. Now, according to the book,

we need to perform a séance,

contact the lingering spirit and politely ask him to leave.

He will then communicate his responses

through the supernatural powers of the Ouija board.

"Made by Parker Brothers.

Fun for the whole family, living and dead."

All right. [clears throat]

Hello, spirit world,

residin' here at 4282 Oak Avenue.

This is Barbra Jean and Reba callin'.

Say hello, Reba.

'Sup?

If there is an otherworldly presence in this house, please speak to us.

It's movin'! It's movin'!

- 'Cause you're movin' it. - I'm not! You're movin' it.

I'm not movin' it.

Are you movin' it? You're movin' it, aren't ya?

Reba?

Reba?

- [in deep voice] I'm not Reba. - [screams]

[laughing]

[B.J. screams]

All right. The kids are all bathed and ready for bed.

And Elizabeth is waiting for you upstairs

to go sing your goofy opera version of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."

Well, singin' opera won't make her smarter.

What are you talkin' about?

I've been reading these child development books.

- We've been doing it wrong with Elizabeth. - I don't think so, Van.

Oh, yes, we have. We've wasted so much time.

All that time I spent blowin' on her stomach,

I could have been teachin' her the periodic table of elements.

Van, Elizabeth laughs when you blow on her stomach.

Well, there's plenty of time for laughter later, when she's a chemist.

Okay. All right, look.

I do not know what you are all worked up about.

I told you, it is completely normal for kids to develop at different rates.

What if she's behind the other kids to begin with?

- Why would she be behind? - Because of me.

Maybe I'm not the sharpest tool in the chandelier.

- You're plenty sharp. - Yeah, right.

I couldn't tie my shoe until I was five years old.

Yeah, and your Mom told me why.

Because when you put the little rabbit through the rabbit hole,

all of a sudden, your shoes would turn into a spaceship or race cars,

and you'd run off in your socks playing this incredibly creative game.

Yeah. Those rabbits were kinda hilarious.

You are kinda hilarious.

- And inventive. And smart. - Well...

And your daughter is gonna be the same way.

[sighs]

I meant to say, the sharpest tool in the shed.

I liked the way you said it the first time.

- I'm gonna go check on the kids. - Okay.

[in operatic voice] ♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star ♪

[Reba] It wasn't a ghost. It was a blown fuse.

Hey, by the way, you got rats in your garage.

What are you doing?

You're not taking this seriously, so the cleansing is off.

I'll just stay somewhere else until Brock gets back.

- Where, my house? - You're not my only friend.

I'll stay at... a motel.

Barbra Jean, I was just kiddin' around.

Well, I'm not laughin'. And the ghost isn't laughin'.

And if he were laughin', it would sound like... [laughs demonically]

And that's not funny.

You can't be afraid of ghosts.

You're brave. I've seen you eat a Raisinet off the sidewalk.

It was a Junior Mint, and I caught it before it hit the ground.

Besides, what do you know about fear, Miss I'm-Not-Afraid-Of-Anything?

Why does everybody say that I'm not afraid of anything?

Because you're not.

You're not afraid of the dark or thunder,

or wearin' pink with red hair, which is not wise, but you do it.

You're fearless, Reba.

It's not that I'm fearless. It's just that... [sighs]

...I think believin' in ghosts is silly.

Well, you wouldn't think it was so silly if the ghost was after you.

What are you talking about?

If I tell you, you're gonna make fun of me.

Barbra Jean, I'm already making fun of you.

All right.

If you must know,

the ghost is after me because I'm a bad person.

What?

I stole your husband,

I broke up your family, and now I have a way better house than you do.

So, the reason you're afraid of ghosts is because

you think they're gonna punish you for what you did?

- Yes. - [laughing] Oh, Barbra Jean.

If anybody's gonna punish you, it's me.

And I promise you, when I die, I will haunt you.

Every noise you hear, every time you trip,

every bad hair day... [in deep voice] ...it'll be me.

Oh, Reba, don't try to make me feel better.

It just makes it worse.

Because this horrible thing that I've done, that I can't undo...

I did to my very best friend.

[crying]

Barbra Jean...

we're not best friends.

Barbra Jean, things happen for a reason.

Like, maybe you're in my life because...

Reba?

I needed someone to ruin everything for me.

[sighs] Well, yeah.

- I can see how that was helpful. - No, no, no.

You know what? Maybe it was.

I've lived through my biggest fears.

My husband left, Kyra moved out,

and things seemed to be just fallin' apart.

Nothing gets scarier than that.

But because of you, I know that I can deal with anything now.

Wow.

I wish I had the kind of courage brought on by deep, personal tragedy.

Well, you married Brock. That's a start.

So, can we call off this whole house cleansing bit?

Okay.

Hey, Reba.

Do you wanna ask the Ouija board if Brock's being a good boy in Vegas?

Oh, Barbra Jean, you don't think that thing really works, do you?

[both squealing]

[closing theme music playing]