Original subtitles

Okay, Kyra, I think you owe me a thank you for driving you home from school

and an apology for introducing me as your driver,

Giant Malibu Barbie!

I was embarrassed. You walked around campus yelling,

"Is Kyra here-a? Is Kyra here-a?"

I just wanted to see how you were doin' now that you're in high school.

- It can be a really hard adjustment. - I'm fine.

You know, and I want to make sure that you're hangin' out with the right kids.

Got it.

You know, people that won't lead you down the wrong path...

gangs, drinkin', bettin' on dog fights, you know, that sort of thing.

And now I know.

Or pot.

Do any of the kids at your... at your school, do they smoke pot?

Nope, not a one. In fact, we were written up in USA Today.

I'm serious. Do any of your friends?

- Why would you even think that? - Well, I don't.

It seemed like you had wonderful friends.

Except maybe for that red-haired kid who was sitting on the bleachers.

- Yeah, he looked like a stoner. - Gary?

Yeah. Yeah, that's the one. His eyes, they looked a little whacked out to me.

He's blind.

Look, if the question is whether I'll buy you pot, the answer is no.

Okay. You know, what if someone were to offer you some?

What about peer pressure?

Come on, Kyra. Pot is fun.

All the cool kids are doin' it.

Hey, you wanna take a little ride on my magic carpet?

- Ooh. - What is going on?

She's working on her sales pitch. We need the money.

We were talkin' about high school,

about peer pressure and whether any of the people she knows have smoked pot.

And she hasn't said yet.

Oh. Well, what about that, Kyra?

What? You want me to start asking people whether they have or not?

Yeah. I think it's important that you know about the people you spend time with.

Okay. Dad, have you ever smoked pot?

What?

Oh, I'm sorry. I believe back then they called it reefer.

Reefer. Reefer. [laughs]

No. No, of course not.

Don't you wanna know about me, Kyra?

Yeah, Barbra Jean. What are you on?

I have never done drugs...

that weren't prescribed by a licensed therapist.

Wonderful. Can I go now? I think I need a drink.

Hey.

You know, it's true.

If you're honest with your kids, they'll be honest with you.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I need to go apologize to a little blind boy.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Nope.

Gotta go.

Hey, there.

Guys, when I left, I said empty the dishwasher.

We're checking for poison.

Oh, I don't keep my poison in the refrigerator.

No, Mrs. H. You keep it right here.

Listen to this. "Dextromono..."

somethin'-somethin' ser-somethin'.

The somethin'-somethin' is why I buy it.

It's a chemical compound that has no relationship to any actual food.

Yeah, but it goes great on a bagel.

Coach had a nutritionist talk to the football team,

and he explained that we're allowing all of

these horrible chemicals into our bodies.

All this stuff has to go.

- What's the problem with the olives? - I just don't like olives.

Okay, put everything back.

You're committing slow suicide, Mom.

I have my reasons, darling.

Hey, guys, can I, uh, get a second with your mom?

Put it all back. And empty the dishwasher.

Nice going, Van.

So, what happened?

Well, Kyra asked me if I had, you know,

smoked pot, and I told her I never had.

- So what's the problem? - Well, we both know I used to in college!

Shh. That's right. We both know, and that's all who needs to know.

Yeah, but, Reba, I wasn't honest with her.

Brock, there'll come a time when the kids get a little older

that you can tell them all about your boneheaded past.

I just don't think the time is now.

You know, she gave me this look like she knew I was lyin'.

Well, if anybody can recognize that look, it's you.

Okay, sorry.

All right, so tell me what you guys told her about drugs.

- Well, basically, that was it. - Then you really didn't have the talk.

It came at me out of the blue. I panicked.

Okay, now we're gonna have to talk to her together.

I'll tell her that I never smoked pot either.

Well, that doesn't help me, does it? You didn't.

I know. That's why I'm thinkin' clearly.

You know, maybe... Maybe this is a good idea.

Plus, we could tell her about the people we knew

who smoked a lot of pot and all the problems they had.

Oh, like that guy Toast! The one that got busted.

Or you know who's worse? That guy Brain.

He was always high. I wonder what he's up to now.

He started a software company. He's a billionaire.

[door opens]

- Hey, Mrs. H. - Hey, guys. Out shoppin'?

Yes. We went to the Gentle Earth Natural Pantry.

Oh, man. Wish I'd known. I need some Clorox.

No, Mrs. H. Here's what you need.

Completely organic, no processed sugar,

additive-free strawberry preserves.

And we got nonbleached, stone-ground sesame crackers to put it on.

- Pure natural flavor. - Mmm-hmm.

Mmm! Mmm! Oh, outstanding!

"The World of Marijuana." "The Pot Culture."

"The Inside Dope on Dope."

Wow, and we thought your food was a problem.

Mrs. H, are you smoking weed?

I'm gettin' ready for my big talk with Kyra.

And since I never did drugs, I'm educatin' myself.

Oh, if you want to teach her about drugs, you should watch that movie Scarface.

[imitating Tony Montana] "Say hello to my little friend."

[imitating machine gun]

Say good-bye to little Reba. [imitating machine gun]

You know what's really cool, Cheyenne,

is that one day we'll be able to look our daughter in the eye,

just like your mom can with Kyra, and say the same thing.

"Honey, we never did drugs." That is huge!

Yeah, well, it must be, 'cause you keep on yapping about it.

- What's the matter with you? - Nothing.

I just don't understand why we're having a conversation

about what we're gonna tell our baby daughter when she's, like, 15.

Honey, we're just talking. What are you getting so angry about?

What if she did try it once, Van? I mean, would that make her a terrible person?

What are you...

Oh, wow.

- Yeah. - When?

- At cheerleading camp. - Oh, that's just great, Cheyenne.

That's great! Did you ever stop and think

that maybe that's why your pyramid was lopsided?

Are you sure you don't want me to stay for the big talk, Reba?

Kyra knows that I'm an example of a drug-free life.

Then you really should go.

Okay. But remember,

if she says "Mary Jane," that's code for marijuana.

Okay. And if I say "tangerine,"

that's code for "get out."

- Tangerine. - Oh!

Do I seem calm? I seem calm, right?

You seem calm.

You know, it's important to talk to your kids about this stuff.

People think it's so simple. I mean, like those stupid rubber mats

that they put in the bottom of urinals that say, "Don't do drugs."

I mean, if you're gettin' your advice from the bottom of a urinal,

hey, maybe drugs aren't such a bad way to go.

- I'm just gonna tell her the truth, Reba. - No, you're not.

Remember, this is about me talking and you nodding.

Look who I ran into.

- I got your message. What's up? - Just a little rap session.

A rap session? Are you sure we're in the right decade for that?

Come on.

This is not gonna be any big deal,

but your father told me what you guys talked about,

and we just wanna follow up on that.

I like when all three of you stare at me like that.

It's comforting.

Kyra, we understand that drugs exist and that some kids might be doing 'em.

And to those kids it might seem like harmless fun,

but it can get serious real fast.

See, your dad and I had this friend who... [laughs]

Well, he thought it would be harmless fun too.

- He wound up in jail. - Whoa.

Big-time whoa.

Drugs are bad, man.

They're a bad scene.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you can always come talk to me.

- And you'll be honest? - Absolutely.

Okay, then. Well, I know Dad never smoked pot.

- But did you, Mom? - No. And there were times--

I did! I did do it, okay? Okay, I did it! I smoked pot!

[laughs] Anyhow,

like I said, Kyra, this isn't gonna be any big deal.

You smoked pot?

Were you high when you married me?

A lot of people ask that.

Barbra Jean, this is not about you. This is about Kyra.

Oh.

The mistakes we made are our mistakes.

You have your whole life ahead of you.

Well, actually, there are a couple of things that I've been wondering about,

and I didn't want to be one of those nerds who has to read pamphlets.

You feel like taking a walk?

Sure. Let's go down and get some ice cream.

[Brock] Yeah.

Well, would it be cool if I just went with Dad?

Oh, sure. That's cool.

Yeah. I'll talk to you guys later.

[Kyra] Okay.

Oh, my gosh! I'm married to a pothead!

- Tangerine! - Oh, gosh!

- Hey, there. - Hey, Mrs. H, I need your advice.

Just shave right there. It'll look like two brows.

I have this friend, who you may or may not know,

who may or may not be real.

And I found out that this person has done drugs.

You know? What did Brock do?

Wear a T-shirt that said "I smoked pot"?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Mr. H smokes pot?

[laughs] That sure explains a whole lot. Oh, man.

The oak tree doesn't grow far from the place

where the acorn fell from it before it started to grow.

Van, are you high right now?

It came up when we were givin' our talk to Kyra.

- Well, how did she react? - Well, the wrong way.

Suddenly she wants to do all her serious talking with Brock.

I bet he has some really good stories.

I've got some good stories too!

And they don't all start with, "Dude, check it out."

I mean, just because you never smoked pot

doesn't mean you're not cool.

Hello, my weed-free friend.

Or maybe it does.

Van, could you please excuse us?

Reba and I need to discuss something personal that is not for children's ears.

It's about my husband and his friend, Mary Jane.

You know that's code for pot.

Okay, Mr. Smarty-pants. You know what tangerine means?

Get out.

See? You're not the only one that gets on my nerves.

And he already knows about Old Smokey.

Well, isn't that fabulous!

Somethin' for the Christmas newsletter.

That makes you think, huh? If Mr. H hadn't fried his brain,

he probably would've been a real doctor instead of a dentist.

Man, I gotta figure out something to do,

'cause Kyra won't talk to me because I never smoked pot.

- Lie. - What?

Yeah, tell her that you said you never did it, but you actually did.

You could tell her that you did it at cheerleading camp or something.

I can't lie to her about this. Can I?

Well, if it keeps you in the loop, why not?

Well, if you don't want to lie, you could smoke pot now.

I'm sure Brock's got a little wacky "tobacky" stashed in his golf bag.

I gotta go.

These are really good for you, aren't they?

You bet they are.

I can tell, 'cause they're gross.

- Hey. - Everybody hates these crackers.

Really? I like those things.

Oh, you do realize they're stone-ground, right? Not "stoner-ground."

[laughs] About that.

This is so weird. Today I was looking through my diary,

and I found some stuff that I wrote when I was at cheerleading camp.

Look.

"July 10th. Didn't smoke pot.

Disappointed in the girls that did."

Yeah. See, some of the girls were smoking, but most us weren't.

And I guess I got confused, and I thought I was one of the ones that did.

But as you can see, I was one of the ones that didn't.

Oh! Well, that's weird!

According to my driver's license, I wasn't born yesterday!

You can't stop lying! You've got "liarrhea."

You know what you've got?

You've got "why are you such a big 'jerk-arrhea.'"

Why are you flipping out that I smoked pot one time?

Because of Elizabeth, Cheyenne!

Us not doing drugs is the one thing

I was hoping would make up for us getting pregnant before we were married.

"Hey, Mom and Dad, if I'm 16, how come you've only been married for 15 years?"

And we'd say, "The important thing is, honey, we never smoked pot."

Well, I guess we can't say that now, can we, puffy?

Well, we could lie.

Oh, yeah, that's brilliant, Cheyenne.

If we're gonna lie about that, why don't we just lie about when we got married?

I like it.

Hey, Kyra, you got a minute?

There's, uh, something I need to talk to you about.

Mom, we've had the sex talk four times.

Unless something's changed, I get it.

[laughs sarcastically] Funny.

No, the thing is, uh,

you know the other night when I told you that I'd never smoked pot?

Well, that wasn't exactly the whole story.

Uh, the truth is...

This isn't exactly really easy for me to say,

but... I never smoked pot.

I know, Mom. Look, I'd love to talk more,

but I'm meeting a private plane from Colombia.

Kyra,

how many times have you smoked pot?

Counting church?

- How many times? - Never. I've never done it.

Me either. We've got something in common, huh?

How many times you been offered to smoke pot?

Twice. [sputtering]

I've probably been offered over 200 times.

Two hundred times?

Well, you don't live with a guy named Toast

without bein' offered the bong a lot.

- Dad's nickname was Toast? - No! No, no, no.

Another guy that lived in the house.

But the point is, even bein' offered it all those times, I never did it.

So let me ask you this. Are you plannin' on smokin' pot?

It's not really the kind of thing you plan.

You're right. It's not. [sighs]

That's why you might want to know what it was like for me

to turn it down all those times.

Or what people said to try to get me to do it.

Or if I feel like I've missed out on something.

Don't you think what I went through has value?

I never thought of it that way.

Me neither. I just pulled that one out of my hat. [laughs]

Honey, anything I can take from my life to make your life safer,

that has value to me.

Hey, kiddo, sorry I'm late.

Hi, Reba. So, you wanna go get that smoothie?

Um, actually, Dad, I wanted to go talk to Mom first.

Can we get a smoothie later?

- Yeah, yeah, sure. When you get back. - Okay. Cool.

- Bye. - Bye.

Have fun.

- Hey, honey. - Hey.

So, um, you know that whole pot smoking thing,

that's all in your past, right?

Yes, Barbra Jean. I did it in college.

- Good. - [sighs]

Then you won't mind givin' me a little sample, cowboy.

And we'll be doin' these little tests once a month.

[closing theme music playing]