Original subtitles

Hey, Jake. How was the miniature golf tournament?

It was "tee-rific," Reba. [laughs]

Dad missed a shot and smashed the clown head with his putter.

Mmm.

Hey, I got a hole in one on the windmill.

Nobody mentions that.

So, where's Kyra?

I haven't seen her in three days. You still got her, don't ya?

Well, we asked her to go, but I guess she didn't feel like it.

I'm learnin' that when she goes like this with her face... [grunts]

it means no.

You know, Kyra used to love miniature golf.

She also used to love her Little Mermaid feety pajamas.

But people grow out of that stuff.

[laughing]

- Not always. - [laughing continues]

[squeals]

Unpleasant.

Hey, remember how I used to say

it was neat to watch Kyra becoming so spirited?

I was wrong. And it's not so much spirited as it's--

- Ornery? - No.

Ornery and downright mean?

Can I put my two cents in?

You see, in preparation for Kyra movin' into our house,

I have been reading a lot of articles about child rearing--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're gonna raise a teenager by reading articles?

[laughing]

- Let me know how that goes. - [snickers]

And I've learned that the key thing teens need in their lives is structure.

And by structure, I mean rules.

I think you'll be impressed when you see the change

in our little Kyra's attitude

when she finally realizes she's not the boss.

[laughing]

Sounds to me like you better start lookin' for your third wife.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

[Cheyenne] Mom, you set a plate for Kyra again.

Oh, man. It's the third time this week.

You really miss her, don't you? Hey, you know what?

I could go slam a door or stomp up the stairs or something.

Oh, no, no. I know. "I hate everyone and everything."

You got the words, honey, but you ain't got the music.

Hey, how was Woodstock?

I didn't get any sleep last night.

My head feels like one of those snow globe things that you shake,

except instead of snowflakes, it's filled with not-sleepin' flakes.

So what kept you up? Workin' on your metaphors?

I don't know what could've kept me up.

Could've been the stress from starting classes this week

or it could have been Cheyenne's snoring.

I do not snore.

You practically sucked the drapes off the window.

- Mom, tell him I don't snore. - At least you don't make that...

[snores] "wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee" sound.

All right. Well, you know, if it's so bad,

why don't you just go sleep in Kyra's old room?

Or I could sleep in our room,

and you could sleep down by the wharf

and guide ships through the fog.

[imitating fog horn blaring]

I could not guide ships! You know nothing about ships!

She snored in the womb. I didn't sleep for nine months.

This is gettin' bad, Mrs. H. I'm tellin' you.

Don't be surprised if this sleep deprivation thing

starts to make me act...

I don't know... a little goofy!

[shouts]

- Hey. - Kyra, you're here!

Oh, my gosh! Look at you!

You've grown so much!

You're not gonna cry and get all mushy just because I came over, are you?

Oh, of course not! [sobs]

- I missed you too, Mom. - You did?

Well, come, sit down. Sit down. Tell me everything.

Start from the minute you started missin' me.

- Mom. - Okay, start anywhere you want.

Well, uh, I'm thinkin' about joining choir.

Choir. Okay, well, tell me about choir.

Why choir?

Well, there's sort of a boy.

A boy.

[laughs] Oh, my gosh.

You have just shared an intimate detail in your life.

And now I'm starting to regret it.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

It's just great to get to talk to you.

Look at us. We're sittin' here happy, talkin'.

You know, you movin' over there with your dad might not be

such a bad thing after all.

Maybe all the kids oughta move over there with him. [laughs]

- Hi, Reba. - Hey.

Hey, there, snookie.

I think somebody forgot their sweater.

Okay, again, the snookie thing?

Uh-huh?

- Please stop that. - Right. Okay.

And I didn't forget my sweater. I told you, I don't need one.

What's the rule, Kyra?

When it's under 60 Fahrenheit,

a sweater we'll be wearin' tight.

I have to get to school. Can I talk to you later, Mom?

Sure. Call me.

I'm in the book under "T" for "talk, talk, talk."

I also need to check your homework.

No, you don't need to check my homework.

Don't chase me down the street with sweaters and hats.

I'm 14. Can I just handle my own life?

- Of course. - Thank you.

- Bye. - Bye.

I encourage her to speak frankly with me.

- Looks like it's workin'. - Yeah.

[loud rock music playing]

[B.J.] I said, turn it down!

[music continues]

Hey, honey. The funniest thing happened today.

I'm supposed to extract Tara Peterson's upper sixes

and her lower fours.

Only Penny puts the X-ray on the screen upside down

so it looks like I'm supposed to extract her upper fours

and her lower sixes.

Only I know for a fact she doesn't have any upper fours,

because I extracted them last spring, so I'm, like, whoa!

That's a true story.

So, how was your day?

Oh, my day?

- [screams] Turn it down! - [loud music continues]

She has been punishing me with her "music"

ever since she came home late without callin' to say she'd be late,

and I asked her why she didn't call.

And I thought that was a nighttime rule.

Oh. So we should only set limits for Kyra at night.

Wake up, Brock!

Juvie hall is full of kids that went bad in the daylight!

Barbra Jean, honey, do we have to get into it

with Kyra every night?

I'm startin' to feel like you're not with me

on this rules thing.

Honey, I know discipline isn't easy,

but she needs it.

And I have a great new system I got from an article I was readin'.

Hey, another article.

Ta-da!

- Is that a doghouse? - Yes.

And four little dogs... Brock, Barbra Jean,

Henry and Kyra.

From now on, when someone breaks a rule,

like not callin' when they're gonna be late,

their little dog goes in the doghouse.

- Has Kyra seen this yet? - No. I just put it up.

- Take it down. - What?

I love you, Barbra Jean. I don't want to lose you. Take it down.

[footsteps approaching]

- She's coming. - Take it down.

Take it down, take it down, take it down!

- Hey, sweetie. - Hey.

Oh, whoops. We don't have any drinks. Who wants milk?

Oh, no, no. No beverages with dinner.

- What was that? - New rule.

I was reading this article by this doctor...

Well, not a doctor doctor.

He's the kind of doctor where you don't have to go to school.

And he says that it's better for your digestion

if you drink your beverages after your meal.

- Let's eat. - Okay.

- Congratulations. - For the rule?

- Thank you, Kyra. - Yeah.

I didn't think it was possible to come up with a dumber one

than slice the bananas lengthwise, but you did it.

New rule. No sayin' "dumb" at the table.

New rule. No being dumb at the table.

- [laughs] - Okay.

Okay.

- Voilà! - Everybody.

- Yes! - Let's just relax.

Do I really have to put up with these rules?

- Well-- - Your father and I

are in agreement on all the rules, Kyra.

Fine. I'm going to the mall with Mom tonight.

I'll just get something there.

Thanks for the backup, France!

No drinks at dinner? No drinks at dinner?

You served hot wings and crackers!

Next time, why don't you just put a salt lick on the table?

Well, I'm sorry. Next time, I'll just run the menu by Kyra.

She seems to be runnin' the house!

- This house? - Yeah.

- The big house? - Yeah.

Or do you mean... the dog house?

New rule. You're sleepin' on the couch.

New rule... I didn't mean it, honey.

Look at us. We're arguin' again.

We never argue, Mr. Boopie-woo-woo.

- I know, Mrs. Boopie-woo-woo. - [knock on door]

- Hey, homeowners. - Hey, Reba.

Kyra and I are goin' to the music store.

She asked me, on the phone.

That's right. She called me, 'cause I'm her buddy.

Can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I really like this arrangement.

How's it workin' out for y'all?

She's tearin' us apart!

Well, go after her, Mr. Whoopie-boo-boo.

[giggles]

Ah, this just keeps getting better.

Wow, Kyra must be makin' their lives miserable.

I know. [laughing]

I mean, I know.

Well, hello, ladies.

You both look lovely and well rested, or is that just me? [chuckles]

- Boy, you're in a good mood. - Oh, yeah.

I slept in Kyra's old room last night.

I feel like Van Van Winkle.

Yeah, well, I had a lousy night.

Apparently I can't sleep without someone screaming "fumble"

five times a night.

Why would I be dreaming about football when I sleep with a wood chipper?

[imitating wood chipper]

- Fumble! Fumble! Fumble! - [continues imitating wood chipper]

[knock on door]

Okay, Reba, we need to ask you for a huge favor.

Hey, anything for the Boopie-woo-woos.

It's about Kyra.

What about her?

We want you to order her to listen to us.

Why would you need me to do that? You're her father.

Yeah, but when I lived here, all I ever had to say was,

"Listen to your mother."

Well, that doesn't work unless you tell her somethin' first.

Come on, Reba. You gotta help us.

We have to live with her every day.

You don't understand what it's like.

No, no. I understand perfectly.

See, for the last few months, I thought Kyra hated my guts.

But then I realized she don't hate me.

She hates the person tellin' her what to do.

Yeah, we get that.

Well, get this. I don't have to be that person anymore.

I get to be the person who stands here and says, "Ha-ha."

[laughing]

- So you're not gonna help us? - Nope. Nope.

I like my new relationship with Kyra, and I'm not gonna do anything to ruin it.

All right.

But I will tell you this...

Ha-ha.

[imperceptible]

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

Okay, Cheyenne. This is a tape of you snoring.

[snoring stops]

[snoring resumes]

Okay, so like I said, this is a tape of you snoring.

[snoring]

[snoring stops]

And, uh, call Adamson Tuesday regarding the merger.

What were you doing? You were taping me snoring.

Aha! So you admit you snore.

Oh, yeah, I snore like you have a merger, liar.

Hey! I'm trying to do my homework.

It's addition, okay? It's not easy.

What's the matter? Why are you guys fighting so much?

- Because she snores. - Remember what Grandma said?

You mean that crazy thing about not touching wood?

She said that after Grandpa died,

she never slept good

because she missed the sound of his snoring.

Yeah, I do remember her sayin' that.

She is pretty smart for a woman who kept Kleenex in her sleeve.

I'm sorry I snore.

Oh, no, no. Please. I love your snoring.

And don't die. Don't die!

I love you too, Van.

And then when we're sleeping tonight, together,

I'm gonna get a tape of you actually snoring,

'cause it is the most beautiful sound in the world to me.

- Oh! - Okay?

And then, if you do ever die,

I can still get a good night's sleep.

[knock on door]

- Hey. - Hey!

- Hey, I was just, uh... - Fightin' crime?

Oh.

No. Um, centering.

You know, breathin' in the calm. [inhales]

Breathing out the conflict. [exhales]

Your conflict could use a Tic Tac.

Oh.

I'm here for Kyra. We're goin' to the art museum.

Oh, she's not home yet. But she's not late.

You can't be late in the daytime. Only at night.

I think that's a fair rule, right?

- Your house, your rules. - Correctomundo. [laughs]

And you have to have rules. Right?

I don't speak Spanish, but, yes, you have to have rules.

You know, even...

even if you get that face, you know... [grunting]

every time you try to tell them one, you know...

You, you, you, you still gotta try.

[laughs and cries]

- Barbra Jean, are you all right? - Oh, Reba, I'm losin' it, baby.

I'm goin' around the bend!

Reba, what's the secret? How did you handle that kid?

- You gotta tell me. - All right. Listen to me.

Kyra is not a kid. She's a teenager. Do you know what a teenager is?

A demon?

A bully.

What I mean is,

if they know you're scared, you're dead.

But I am scared.

Of course you're scared. You're dealin' with a demon.

[softly] I know. God.

What it comes down to is this.

- You gotta pick your battles. - What?

The parent with the most rules, they don't win.

You just keep 'em safe, teach 'em respect,

and, only when you're forced to, bring the hammer down.

- Well, that's it? - That's it.

- Okay. - You owe me 50 bucks.

Oh, hey, Mom. Sorry I'm late. I had a...

- You're not late. The sun's out. - ...meeting with my choir director.

I wanna hear all about it. And I wanna hear about you-know-who.

- [scoffs] Geez. - [laughs]

Kyra, before you go,

could you bring your backpack up to your room?

- Can I do it later? - Well, that's not the rule.

Hey, you know what's on TV tonight?

Oh, it's that new reality show called Pick Your Battles.

A lot like Survivor.

- Okay. Sure, Kyra. You can do it later. - Okay.

But just so we're clear,

I could have brought the hammer down.

- What? - Kyra, maybe we should go.

No. Hang on, Mom. What are you tryin' to do, Barbra Jean?

Are you just showing off with all this rule stuff?

You know what? I've had enough.

You are totally clueless.

Kyra, you cannot talk to her like that.

I'm just sick of all these stupid rules, okay?

I don't care if you make fun of some half-baked rule,

but you will show some respect to your stepmother.

What is this? You're taking her side?

No, I'm taking your side

by not allowing you to be disrespectful.

- Now apologize. - Apologize? No way.

You were rude, so apologize!

- My rule! Do it! - No.

Then you get your butt upstairs, young lady, 'cause you're grounded.

What? You can't ground me here. Only Barbra Jean can.

And she won't.

Ground her.

I'm sorry. What's that?

It's not gonna happen, Mom.

Ground her.

[exhales]

Kyra, you're... grounded.

- You're kidding me. - Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

You heard me. You're grounded. It's hammer time!

I don't believe this.

We can go to the museum some other day.

No, I don't think we will, Mom,

'cause I like to go to museums with my friends.

Grounded!

And there's plenty more where that came from, young lady! Ha!

- Yeah! [laughing] - [door slams]

Oh, Reba, we did it!

[laughing] Oh. Oh.

Oh, Reba, I'm sorry you had to do that.

Looks like you ruined your new relationship with Kyra.

No, that's okay. I don't need a new relationship with her.

Bein' her buddy was fun. It was easy.

But you know what? Fightin' with Kyra right then,

that's the first time I felt like her mother

since she moved out.

[chuckles softly]

I want to be you so bad.

Everybody does.

[closing theme music playing]