Original subtitles

Previously, on Mad About You...

I blame my parents.

This nice man married your daddy and me.

You guys know I'm not really a minister, right?

All right, here's what we'll do. Here's what we'll do.

We'll go down to city hall, we'll get married,

we'll sign our regular thing,

and then bing-bam-boom, problem solved.

Do you, Jamie...

Bwuchman...

take Paul Buchman...

to be your lawful wedded husband?

I don't want to get married.

You didn't so much get that second vasectomy, did you?

Wh...

Because I am remarkably pregnant.

So let me ask you this.

Are you gonna change your name back to Stemple?

What do you mean?

Well, we're not actually married.

No, sweetie, everything stays exactly the same.

Oh, my God.

Go away.

The apartment is not for rent.

Huh? Who's that?

It's your parents.

Burt and Sylvia Buchman.

Yes. Sorry.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thanks.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. What has it been, 7 years now?

Seven beautiful years.

That's not nothing.

Let me ask you something.

If we had just been together

for the last 7 years,

but we weren't actually married,

that would still be "not nothing," right?

No, that would be nothing.

Really?

Yeah, you'd be like Cousin Elliott

and what's her name. What is her name?

Exactly. If they were married, we'd all know.

Until you make it official, you're just playing house.

You've gotta make a statement. You gotta stand up

in front of the whole world and say, "I love this girl!"

then there's a record of it in city hall all typed up

nice and everything. Otherwise, you're just kidding around.

I smell a diaper.

Oh, gimme.

No, no, no. We'll do it.

Come on, Burt.

You got a little thing there.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Come on. Come on.

Don't even say it.

What?

They're your parents. We're us.

We, don't forget, are very hip.

We don't need city hall.

We don't need a piece of paper. We're us.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi. I understand your apartment is for rent.

Oh, you know, sadly that is a misprint.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, is this your wife?

Uh... no, not really.

Oh, all right.

Sweetie? I found it.

Last one in the city, but I found it.

One big seat, one little seat.

Two kids, one carriage. One big happy family.

Shh.

It happens.

These things happen, sweetie.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no. It's not your fault.

You did everything right.

It just wasn't meant to be.

Turns out I wanted it.

Me, too.

And so, I'm an only child.

So, the manager blames it on my feet.

Yeah, that's the problem.

The shoes that you made are fine.

My feet that God made are clearly defective.

Fran... I don't understand.

You can send a monkey to Pluto.

You can't make a high-heeled sandal

that doesn't lacerate my calf.

Fran? I'm sorry. What?

He left me.

What?

Paul. He left me.

Oh, my God. What happened? When did this happen?

Last night, but I think it's been on its way for a long time.

Why?

Well...

What did he say?

He said I'm unkind.

What does that mean?

He said I've changed and that maybe this way

will be better for both of us.

He's an idiot, your husband!

Maybe he's right. I mean, I have changed.

How could I not? I was 26 when we met.

We used to be very kind to each other,

but then there's a kid, and I'm always worried about her,

and there's just not as much time to be kind.

Who has that kind of time?

And then she grows up, and there you are.

It's just the two of you,

and nobody even remembers how to be nice,

so am I less nice?

Sure.

Am I unkind? Okay. Fine.

You... are an idiot.

Well, isn't that nice.

I'm sorry. You think I like to say this?

Wh...

It hurts me to say this,

but I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

You, my friend, you are a phenomenal idiot.

You know, Mark, if I'm not mistaken,

you left Fran once upon a time.

Yeah, I did. You're right.

I was young!

What do you mean?

Look at you. You're old!

I'm not old. I am...

No, you're young.

That's why social security starts for you in 3 hours,

because you're so young!

I mean, we always fought,

but when the fights were over, we were closer.

By the end, it wasn't even fighting.

It was just criticism and complaining

and poking and prodding.

Okay.

All I know is

I can't always be wrong, you know?

Some of what I do must be right.

Who cares?

Who cares? Who cares who's right or wrong?

Who's got the strength to keep track?

You just stay married and shut up.

Why?

Why?

Because it's better.

Listen, you know, nobody believed that more than me.

Oh, I know, I know.

But we were miserable.

Do you understand that? Jamie and I, we were both miserable.

So who are you not to be miserable?

No. At a certain point, you have to say,

"Okay, who is this for?"

I mean, who's winning here?

Nobody.

But you love Jamie.

Of course. Very much.

So?

So I'll be the bad guy.

So I'll... Let me be the one who says,

"You know what? Why don't we just let each other live?"

Till death do you part.

That's what is says... Death...

Not a lack of kindness.

The vows are very specific.

In other words, you don't leave.

That's the one thing you don't do.

You think I haven't felt good and fed up plenty of times?

Believe me, I have, many, many times.

But I didn't leave, did I?

No. No, I stayed.

Right.

He left.

Good times.

Here's something.

Our dog Murray died when I was 6,

so naturally my parents told me about it when I was 12.

Okay, I've had it with you two!

Uh-oh. Now what?

If one human year equals seven dog years,

that would make Murray 210.

So? So...

You lied. That isn't Murray.

Um...

Listen, Mabel... Sonya...

Sweetie, some very special dogs...

Save it, Ma. Murray died, didn't he?

And you got another dog

who looked just like Murray, didn't you?

I mean, who does such a thing?

Thereafter, my parents promised they'd be straight with me.

Sweetheart?

Last night...

your grandfather...

unexpectedly and in his sleep...

moved to Florida.

Paulie, keep up with the hearse.

Ma, you're grieving or you're driving.

Oh, very nice. Chew my head off, I'm a widow.

Sorry. You're right.

You know, sometimes in the silence,

I can feel his presence.

Couldn't be sorrier.

Hello.

I guess it's true what they say.

Life goes on.

No, no. No, absolutely not. Absolutely not!

No, no, no. Absolutely not!

What?

Hold on. It's the tenant board.

They say we can have the apartment,

but now they want key money.

Key money? What is that?

It's a bribe, basically.

Honestly, must you do this now?

I'm sorry, Ma. It's just that we have a chance

to get the apartment across the hall from us,

but only if we do it today. What, the Scottish people?

English people.

Right. Yeah.

So what? Pay them the key money.

Really?

Yes. Sure. The wall can come down,

and you'll finally have a room for Mabel.

What are you waiting for?

Yes. Tell them yes.

Okay. Done. We'll get you the check.

Thank you.

So it's ours?

It's ours.

Okay. All right, this is a good day.

It really is.

Can you imagine? Cecilia wore chiffon.

You're right. Very inappropriate for a funeral.

It's not that, it's her figure.

There's gotta be a better fabric.

Oh! I didn't get potato salad... just coleslaw.

Ma, people love coleslaw.

Aunt Syl, you want me to go get it?

No.

And that's why they call it intercourse.

Sexual intercourse.

I'm saying.

Sweetheart, do you understand any of this?

I'm on the pill.

Okay, so then you know.

That was the moment

my father decided I was growing up too fast,

and so began our Sunday morning

"buy the newspaper, buy some bagels,

get an Italian ice,

and make fun of perfectly innocent people

in the street" ritual.

My mother and I also had our rituals.

No!

I'm saying yes!

No! Yes!

No!

Yes.

No!

Yes!

My therapist said

that the reason I clash with my mother so much

is that we're so very alike.

No!

That statement alone

upped me from two sessions to three sessions a week.

My grandfather used to say,

"Out of pain beauty does come."

He also used to say,

"Plant one right here, tiger puss,"

you know, so some things

were more resonant than others.

And what I did was I took my pain,

poured it into my work, and I waited for beauty.

Hey, Bob.

Hey. What have you got there, a knife?

She's stabbing Bob!

Unh, I'm bleeding a lot.

Well, who wants pie?

Yeah, that sounds good.

That's a great idea. We'll see you there.

All right, Paulie. Okay.

Want to get some pie?

I don't think so.

Okay. Well...

It was good to see you.

You, too.

Think you and me were supposed to be Bob?

Oh, let's say no.

Ha. Ha. Okay.

How's the apartment?

Good.

Did you ever think we'd be these people?

No, I did not.

I just want to say if I did, um...

change in some way that made you feel...

No, hey, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't have to do that.

That's okay.

Okay.

But I do think it's better this way... Don't you think?

I do.

I do, too.

Okay, so you take care of yourself.

You, too.

Okay.

Okay.

Did you just kiss me?

No.

I didn't think so.

Buy me some pie?

Yes, please.

And he bought her pie,

and he took her home, and he never left.

Yes, it was not my best film.

I see that now.

But it was what I would call a hugely successful screening.

To me, there is no greater act of courage

than being the one who kisses first.

And bearing that in mind...

I ask all of you who are not my mother

to turn around for a second.

Mom, I love you.

Okay, everybody, you can turn back around.

I said at the beginning that I blame my parents...

and I do.

I blame them for making me crazy.

I blame them for being so difficult.

But most of all...

I blame them for making it impossible for me

to dismiss the idea

that love can actually work out.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

Ahem... Actually, we are gathered here almost tomorrow.

Sorry again about the late hour.

Yeah, it's just we want to keep the same anniversary, so...

Happy to be here. Flattered to be asked.

Although, we are moving right along here on midnight,

so, uh, I should just kind of...

Please, by all means, by all means.

Paul, do you take Jamie to be your wife,

to have and to hold, to love and to cherish,

till death do you part?

I do.

Jamie, do you take Paul to be your husband,

to have and to hold, to love and to cherish,

till death do you part?

I do.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Well, you know, the last time we talked...

I understand. Okay.

Well, uh, you got the rings,

and the, uh, witness is asleep in the crib.

Dog's lost interest, so I guess we can move right along.

By the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

And we got 7 seconds left,

so you can kiss each other squarely on the mouth.

Ha.

Okay. Okay.

Well, I'm out of here.

Okay, there you go. We're all signed up.

Here's your certificate right there.

I'm gonna leave you my card

in case you ever want to get ahold of me.

I am a certified public accountant

and also a notary public

and I can fix a boat.

Well...

Well.

We are married.

Yes, we are.

All official, typed up, nice and everything.

Yep.

I got to say it feels, uh... it feels...

what am I trying to say? It feels...

Exactly the same?

Very much, yes.

Did we rush him too much?

I don't know. Maybe we did.

'Cause there were actually a couple of things

I would have said if he'd given us a minute or 2.

Really? Me, too. Really?

Yeah. Well, I know you pretty good now.

I would have been a little more specific.

What would you have said?

I would have said, "I love you."

That's not so specific.

No, but...

I really love you.

Oh.

And I would have said...

I know life is a big, dangerous thing,

and it's stronger and smarter and sneakier than us,

but here's what I got.

I will always love you.

Don't ever doubt that no matter what.

So that's what I would have said.

What would you have said?

I would have said...

I would have said there are millions of things I want,

but only one thing I really need.

And if you ever decided to leave me,

I would go and find you and bring you home

'cause you'd be wrong.

See, now that's a wedding.

Yeah.

How do you like being married so far?

I like it very much.

You hungry? Not really.

Okay.

Come here.

Thank you for a wonderful engagement.

It has been my pleasure.

♪ You turn around ♪

♪ Then you ask me Behind tears of doubt ♪

♪ "Just what do I see in you?" ♪

♪ Please don't cry ♪

♪ I know sometimes It seems we barely get by ♪

♪ But you don't see ♪

♪ How much you do ♪

♪ Oh, to get me through ♪

♪ When the world is cold ♪

♪ And I need A friend to hold ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ You give me love, baby ♪

♪ And when my hope is gone ♪

♪ And I feel I can't go on ♪

♪ You pick me up ♪

♪ You give me love You give me love ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah Oh, baby ♪

♪ I apologize ♪

♪ If I never told you What you are in my eyes ♪

♪ Oh, baby Let me tell you now ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Looks sweeter knowing You'll be there in every way ♪

♪ Now how can you say That's not enough ♪

♪ 'Cause when The world is cold ♪

♪ And I need a friend to hold ♪

♪ You give me love You give me love, baby ♪

♪ And when my hope is gone ♪

♪ And I feel I can't go on ♪

♪ You pick me up ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ You give me everything My heart desires ♪

♪ Morning sun And midnight fires ♪

♪ Someone there To share my dream ♪

♪ With you I have everything ♪

♪ When the world is cold ♪

♪ And I need A friend to hold ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ You give me love, baby ♪

♪ And when my hope is gone ♪

♪ And I feel I can't go on ♪

♪ You pick me up ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ Yeah, when my world Is cold ♪

♪ And I need A friend to hold me ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ You give me love, baby ♪

♪ And when my hope is gone ♪

♪ And I feel I can't go on ♪

♪ You pick me up ♪

♪ You give me love ♪

♪ Yeah, when my world is cold ♪

♪ And I need A friend to hold me ♪

♪ You give me love You give me love, baby ♪

So in case you're interested,

here's what happened to everybody.

Ira and Marianne ended up with eight children...

One from every continent and two from New Jersey.

Mark and Fran invited

an adventuresome Swedish couple into their marriage,

and they've never been happier.

My grandma moved to Boca Raton, Florida,

but it didn't take.

So then she moved into my parents' building,

but two floors down so as not to intrude.

Aunt Lisa is exactly the same.

Me... I'm fine.

And these two, if you'll pardon the expression,

lived happily ever after.

Captions: M.P.