Original subtitles

♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ I'll tell you Most of mine ♪

♪ They say Nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really true This time ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't have The answers ♪

♪ I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So, baby Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper In my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens After here? ♪

♪ Let's take Each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Final frontier ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪

♪ Final frontier ♪

I blame my parents.

I've been engaged four times to three different men,

and if you're doing the math,

that's a lot of angry people.

First there was this guy,

then were was this guy,

and then there was this guy.

And you remember this gentleman from the first photo.

Leave a guy at the altar once, and it stings.

The second time, apparently highly destructive.

How you like me so far?

Let's begin, shall we, with a story that has become

almost folklore in my family.

It was 1999, so I'm 1,

and it's my parents' anniversary.

So what do you want to do?

I'm totally open.

A concert or theater or maybe a fancy dinner.

What says anniversary?

Certainly not that.

Ew!

Honey, look up for me, won't you?

Is there a hawk or an ostrich of some sort?

Whoa.

Oh, paint! I'm so happy.

Hey, we know you.

Hey.

Hey!

Paul and Jamie, right?

Yeah, Larry, right? Lenny.

Lenny. Right.

This is so wild. You know, it's our anniversary today.

No, it is not.

Yes, it is. Seven years ago today.

That is deeply ironic.

Oh. Well, come here.

Look what we did.

Look. Mabel, this nice man

married your daddy and me.

Hello, small pretty person.

Lenny, I tell you, your wedding was so special to us...

Just this secret little ceremony.

It really was.

You're probably confused,

but Lenny is also an ordained minister.

Now, Mabel, you know better than to believe that, don't you?

What do you mean?

You guys know I'm not really a minister, right?

No.

Well, okay.

I'm not.

Well, how can that be? No. No.

You... You said you were.

Yeah. You happen to recall where we had that discussion, Paul?

Yes, I do. We were at my bachelor party.

Uh-huh. So?

We were at a strip club, man,

drinking, carousing.

When I told that cute girl

I was Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan,

did you believe that, too?

No, but...

But... but later, when we came to you...

It seemed so important to you.

I didn't have the heart to let you down.

Yes, but...

I knew you had the official ceremony coming up anyway.

Yes, but... okay, at the official ceremony,

we thought we were already married by you.

We didn't even fill out the paperwork for that one.

Didn't even... You know what we wrote on the certificate?

"Lois Lane marries Humpty Dumpty."

Funny.

Funny not the point, really.

We're... we're not married now.

Sorry.

You've invalidated our entire marriage now.

Sorry.

You've made our daughter illegitimate now.

Sorry.

So...

I'm the bastard child of idiot parents.

My therapist tells me...

Yes, I'm in therapy...

That in my parents' defense, they sought help...

a lotof help.

Paul and Jamie...

I don't know if you've been keeping track,

but this is your 1,000th therapy session.

Is that true?

Yes, it is.

Dear God.

Wow, 1,000th.

Wow, so that's... That's like, uh...

10 glorious years.

No, no, I know, but that...

$116,000.

Dear God. Mm-hmm.

But I digress.

How can we not be married?

Yecch.

Our entire marriage is a lie.

It's not a lie.

Yes, it is. For the last seven years,

we have not been what we thought we were.

Our whole universe is based on a false foundation.

Doesn't that bother you?

Aw, man. What?

I asked for onions.

They gave me sprouts. When I tell someone

my husband will be back at 6:00, it's a lie.

I'll be back at 6:00.

Yes, but you're not my husband.

All right, good. So stop yelling at me, then.

We'll take it.

I'm sorry?

Your apartment. It's listed for rent.

It's what?

This is our apartment, but it's a mistake.

Oh. So you're not leaving.

No. You're staying.

Uh-huh. Yes.

Good, then.

Yes, well, what a relief.

Right, then.

Come, Hal.

Yes.

See you in the halls.

Nice, huh? Honey.

All right, here's what we'll do. Here's what we'll do.

We'll go down to city hall, we'll... We'll get married,

sign our regular thing, and bing-bang-boom, problem solved.

When? When what?

When are we getting married?

Whenever you want. Thursday afternoon.

Friday in the morning, I'm good.

No, it has to be today.

Why?

Because today's our anniversary.

I want to keep the same anniversary.

All right, so let's go.

Ask me.

All right.

Can we go?

Ask me to marry you.

Oh.

Will you marry me?

These are the people

that prepared me to go out into the world.

You see, Mabel,

sweetheart...

boys and girls are different.

Girls have...

um...

boys have...

uh, boys and girls, um...

Honey.

See, Mabel, when a man...

loves a woman...

he... he can't keep his mind on nothin' else.

He'd trade the world for the good thing he's found.

If she's bad,

he can't see it.

She can do no wrong.

Honey.

Let us get back to you.

My parents actually did

a great deal of family planning.

So let me get this straight.

They cut his pee-pee?

No, not the pee-pee, inside the pee-pee, way inside.

Oh, God.

It's not that bad.

The doctor said that within 36 hours of the vasectomy,

he'll have total sensation in his groin again.

Isn't that something?

Poor Paul's pee-pee.

It's wayinside.

Oh, God.

Look, we gave this a lot of thought,

and I decided that one kid is enough,

morethan enough.

Thank you.

I mean, where is it written

that every child must have a sibling?

Well, where would you be? What?

I mean, if mom and dad stopped with me, there wouldn't be you,

and I wouldn't have had a little sister to play with and dress up

and magic marker the walls with,

and no matter what happens,

always be my friend and love me.

You know, the procedure is reversible.

Mmmph.

Hi, sweetie.

Mmmph. Ay.

What's the matter?

I think we made a mistake.

Really?

My mother, the handful.

We need to go halfway to the end of Long Island to do this?

The smaller the town, the shorter the line.

Next, please. See?

Hello. Hi. How are you? Just fine, thank you.

Uh, we'd like to get married.

Oh, wonderful. Come to the right spot. Heh-heh-heh. Yes, sir.

Hello. Hi. How are you? Hello.

Is this the lucky lady?

This is her.

Aw. Wonderful, isn't it?

Okay. Well...

looks like you're all set here, so...

Oh. Well, you have the same last name.

Uh, yes, but they're pronounced differently.

Buchman and Bwuchman.

Yeah, so it's... It's subtle, but...

It's there. It's there. It is, isn't it?

Yes, that's...

Isn't that wonderful? Uh-huh.

What I'm gonna need from you now is $10 American.

You got it. Seems like a reasonable thing.

Ooh. You know what? I don't even know if I have the cash on me.

I... Oop. Sorry.

Uh, what would you say... Was it 10? Yes.

Uh, $7.52.

How do you leave the house?

You were supposed to go to the bank for me.

No, I wasn't. You said you were

going to the bank. No. Never.

Yes, you did. No, I didn't.

Boy, this marriage thing gonna be a piece of cake

for you two, isn't it?

Okay. Well, I'll tell you what now.

Why don't you just take this,

and you're gonna go right into the chapel here,

and the justice of the peace is gonna take you

the rest of the way. Thank you so much.

God bless you.

He's a nice guy, huh?

Yes. I miss him.

Hello. How are you? Just fine, thank you.

Well, this is Phyllis.

Hello. Hello.

She throws the rice.

25 cents... one throw. 40 cents... two.

Okay. Well, why don't we get right on with it?

Now, here's what... Oh!

Oh, don't you want to walk down the aisle?

Okay.

Just go right back there.

There you go. Right there. That's good.

Okay, and you, sir, over here. Right here?

That's fine. Got it.

Hey! Heads up!

Ho! There you go.

Now with the music... come forward.

Okay.

Okay.

Dearly beloved...

we're gathered here today to marry

this man and this woman.

Is there anybody present

who might object to this union?

Phyl.

I'm good. Good.

Do you, Paul...

Buchman.

Uh-huh. Buchman.

Oh, the Buch... You're the... the Buchman.

Paul Buchman.

Take Jamie...

Bwuchman...

to be your lawful wedded wife,

to have and to hold

through sickness and in health

till death do you part?

Yes, I absolutely do.

Wonderful.

Do you, Jamie...

Bwuchman...

take Paul Buchman

to be your lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold, to love and to cherish

through sickness and in health

till death do you part?

Little louder.

We're gonna need you to speak up a little, sweetie.

Don't fool around now.

I don't want to get married.

Little early on the rice there, Phyllis.

And so, apparently...

the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You wanted to get married.

I know. But then I was standing at the altar

and it hit me.

What we have is pretty good, right?

I don't want to screw it up.

Exactly. So all I'm saying is let's make everything

the way we always thought it was anyway.

Yes, but the way it was was we were not married.

Of course we were married. It just... It wasn't labeled right.

It's like... It's like if you order chocolate,

and then it comes and you eat it and you love it,

but then afterwards the waiter says,

"Sorry. My mistake. That wasn't chocolate, that was root beer."

Do you come back the next time and ask for root beer?

Yes.

Well, it's the opposite with this.

Hi, I'm Ursula.

I will not be your waitress today.

What? What?

Yeah, my name is Ursula...

Yes, we know that. Yes, we know that.

Okay. And I will not be your waitress today.

Okay.

Usually I am, but today I'm not.

That's why I wanted to come over,

to say that I'm not your waitress today

and that my name is Ursula

so that you wouldn't be confused.

Okay. Thank you.

Great. Can I take your order?

But you're not our waitress.

Okay, do you know what you want?

Um... well...

Ooh, guess what else?

I'm running for employee of the month,

so make sure that you vote for me, all right?

It's an election type of thing,

the employee of the month?

No, no. The boss just picks who he likes.

Want to hear my slogan?

Yes, please. Sure.

♪ Ursula, Ursula She's our man ♪

♪ If she's not employee Of the month, nobody can ♪

I have to go to the bathroom.

Have you ever heard the expression,

"Intelligence is the ability to change one's mind"?

No, you have not.

And you have not heard that

because it's not actually an expression.

It's just something my mother used to say,

but she would say that it was, in fact, an expression.

But it's not.

Paul is being really great about this.

I'll say. I mean,

I probably pushed him into the vasectomy to begin with.

Yeah, probably.

I think on some level he was relieved

when I suggested we have it reversed.

What do they do, they just glue it back on and...

Way inside.

And now Mabel will have a little brother or sister,

and she'll help them out in the schoolyard,

and she'll give them her hand- me-downs. This gonna be good.

Well, I guess, for her.

What?

What about for you?

Good-bye freedom,

good-bye hips, and good-bye career.

You know, I actually read that 87 percent of all mothers

with two or more kids never return back to the workplace.

They just end up feeling broken and hollow and sad.

Hi, sweetie.

Thank you.

What did you say to her?

Stop bringing her to my vasectomies.

Fortunately, some of us gave

much less thought to having children.

Okay, Nat, now you can bring out the first guest.

Okay. Thank you, Mabel.

Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen.

My... poncho, poncho, you're not on yet. Jigs, please.

My first guest tonight is a border collie collie mix.

He's the strapping little son of Murray

and his charming bride Clarabelle.

He's 5.5 weeks old, recently weaned.

He enjoys sleeping, chasing his tail, and being colorblind.

Would you please give a warm welcome to Crackers.

Come on, Crackers. Come on. There he is.

Hello, Mr. Crackers.

Not yet, Poncho. I told you you're not on yet.

Crackers.

Okay, next guest.

Very quick for Crackers, but okay, there he goes.

My next guest, ladies and gentlemen,

interestingly enough, also a border collie collie mix,

also 5.5 weeks old.

Uh, let's see. Oh, interesting. He's a breech birth.

He enjoys, uh, eatin' garbage

and then regurgitating same said garbage.

Strange but true.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, please... Rusty.

We're lookin' for Rusty.

Come on, Rusty.

Ru... There he is. There's the Ru...

Wow.

Well, we were... We were saving that

for our special anniversary show.

Hey, Paulie.

Hey, Marvin.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be getting

your second vasectomy right about now?

Is nothing I tell you private?

He's been following the whole story.

It kills me. First she gets you to do it,

then 2 months later, she gets you to undo it,

and now she's getting you to do it again.

To me, it's very entertaining.

Regrettably, I've learned that little traumatic events

can help lead to big traumatic events.

Oh, look, there it is.

A film by Mabel Buchman.

What kind of title is that, Stabbing Bob?

She's angry.

Really.

All right, we should save two seats together because Mabel

really wants Paul and Jamie to sit next to each other.

Oy! I know.

Do they both know the other one's gonna be here?

Yeah, they're gonna be mature.

Hey, there they are.

We're here.

Look at you.

Oh, look at you.

Look at your Aunt Deb and Aunt Joan.

Leonardo, come kiss your aunties.

Shania, you sit there. Beavis you sit in front of me.

Oh, Gwyneth! Give me the pacifier.

Okey-dokey. Listen, why don't you come sit with me, actually?

You know what?

We should save these two seats for Paul and James.

Already done.

Oh. Oh, good.

No harm in trying, right?

Hey, hey, hey! What are you eating?

What's the matter?

He's eating popcorn from the 5:00 show.

Oh, leave him alone.

Hey. My daughter made a movie.

Paulie.

Oh, nice jacket.

Yeah? Thank you.

Hi, sweetie.

Paulie, why don't you come sit... Let's see... Oh, here.

Good. Hey, Beavis.

Hey, Uncle Paul, you want some popcorn?

Say, "No." I'm gonna say, "No."

Hey there. Thank god I'm not late.

Not at all.

Oh, it's the mother of the filmmaker.

Hiya, James.

Hi, Jamie.

Hey, Shania. Hello, everybody.

Jamie, sit... sit here.

Okey-dokey.

Hi.

Hi.

How you doing?

Good. How you doing?

I'm good.

Good.

Okay.

Here it is. Okay.

I ask this question objectively, in earnest,

and without bias.

Who do you think was responsible

for my parents' breakup...

The one who ran away from the altar

and changed her mind three times about whether or not

her partner should have painful private surgery...

or the other guy?

What?

I'm changing my name. It's not Mabel anymore. It's Sonya.

Okay. Um... May I ask why?

'Cause Mabel's stupid.

I see. Listen, Mabel...

Sonya!

Pardon me.

Say it. Sonya.

Say it nice.

All right, Mabel...

It's Sonya.

Thank you.

Why Sonya?

'Cause I like it.

Your grandmother thought of Mabel.

You know, it's an acronym.

A what?

The letters M-A-B-E-L

stand for "Mothers always bring extra love."

Well, Sonya's an acronym, too.

It is? For what?

"Some other name, you ass."

All right, get out. Hey, okay.

My father had his own way of dealing with my mother.

He would keep certain pieces of information to himself.

Honey?

Hmm?

You didn't so much get that second vasectomy, did you?

Wh...

Because I am remarkably pregnant.

No, I did not.

But I've done so many other things that you did ask me to.

Captions: M.P.