Original subtitles

Murray, it's just dental hygiene.

Oh, come on. Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Oh, come on!

You've changed.

Physics for 200.

This isotope is used to make an atomic bomb.

Okay, uh, no, no.

What is kryptonite? Kryptonite?

No, no. The hot stuff that gets hot...

What is uranium 235? - Yes.

All right, like I'm gonna know that.

Okay. Abbreviations for 300.

In the military,

it's what the initials G.I. stand for.

G.I., G.I...

Gee, your hair smells terrific.

G... general, general, general...

Get me out of the army now.

What is "government issue"? - Right.

Government... all right, G.I... G.I.Joe.

G.I.Joe.

Of course. Well, what is Guadalcanal?

That's the doorbell.

Okay. Hail to the chief for 400,

the easiest one on the board.

This was L.B.J.'s middle name.

I know it!

Barry? No. Boo boo? Bob, Bob.

Biff?

Billy Bob? Lyndon Billy Bob?

Lyndon Bristol...

Hays, Hays, Hays.

I think it's Hays.

B... L.B.J.

Not Hays. Not Hays.

What is "Baines"? - Baines!

I knew that.

Were we always this stupid,

or is this recent?

What?

What what?

Hello, skunkie. Hi.

All right, which one of you

picked Moby Dick for the book club?

Okay, that was her.

I wanted I Like Lollipops

by Telly Savalas, but no...

Moby Dick.

Moby Dickis a classic.

Hey, Telly Savalas... Pretty complicated man.

What do you got there?

A little gift for my niece.

Buchman and Stemple family trees.

Wow!

Look at that!

Yeah, isn't that something?

See how far back they go?

Look at that. Yeah, Spartacus Stemple.

Who knew? You mock,

but this way your daughter will know from whence she came.

From Holland, apparently.

So you're really... you're part

Holland... Hollandish... Holl... Hollandarian?

Holl... Hollandaise...

Dutch?

Dutch! Okay, 'cause all right...

I want to point out just a little sort of anomaly.

If you look at the Stemple

great-great-great-grandmother...

Hester.

She is connected by a squiggly line to...

Irwin Buchman.

That's funny. So then, if you go

to the Buchman great- great-great-grandfather...

Irwin Buchman...

His son Maximilian...

known as Jorge to his friends, which is interesting.

Is also connected by a squiggly line to...

Eleanor, daughter of Romulus and Alexa.

Exactly.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What, what, what?

You're cousins.

We're all cousins.

And worse yet, in fact, we are descended from cousins.

I told you we were stupid.

Honey, I can't believe you waited

till the day before the book club

to read Moby Dick.

On the off chance we don't make it

all the way through the books,

maybe we should pick up the Cliff Notes.

The Cliff Notesfor this are gonna be 200 pages.

Is there, like, a pop-up book or something we could get?

Next thing, we'll be renting the movie.

Good idea. Hey, look at this!

So You Think You Married Your Cousin.

That's a joke book.

No, it's n... Oh, Jeff Foxworthy. Okay. All right.

Come here.

The Complete Guide to Genealogical Relationships.

Let's just look and see exactly

how disgusting and immoral we are.

Okay, right here.

So if we're...

So according to this, we are...

Fourth cousins once... once removed.

No, not... not removed. You're only removed

if you're not the same generation.

So we're fourth cousins?

I think so.

So that means I'm a cousin of somebody who is a cousin

who has as their cousin somebody who is a cousin of yours?

Huh?

Maybe children of cousins are not the best people

to be figuring this kind of thing out.

We're fourth cousins, Paul.

Okay, so we're fourth cousins.

Big deal.

Not a problem. Fine.

Ugh!

Gaaaaa, I don't like this.

This is not supposed to happen to people like us.

Not to use stereotypes or, you know, labels,

but this is the kind of thing

that generally happens to people

a little more hillish and a little more billyish.

I'll tell you this much.

We are hiding those family trees,

and we're swearing Debbie to secrecy.

Oh, believe me. Can you imagine what my mother's gonna say?

Oy. So what do we do now?

Go home, grab our banjo, and brush our tooth.

All right, congratulations.

We've been reading Moby Dickfor 2 hours.

What page are you on?

Four.

Good for you.

It starts on 3.

I understand. Ask me what page I'm on.

What page?

Three.

Why does he type so small?

He shouldn't.

No. You write a book, be proud.

And be clear.

You know, how about this?

You want to maybe split it up?

I'll read half, you read half,

and later we'll tell each other what happened in the other half.

All right, so that would be half of 857,

so that would be 430...

It's 4...

No, actually 20...

Is that 420?

Four, six... you didn't carry... carry the one.

Four... hold it. What did you say, 850?

It's a lot of pages. Whatever it is.

How about this, how about this?

I'll read the end, and you read the beginning,

and we'll just skip the middle.

You're not gonna understand the end

if you don't read the beginning and the middle.

Oh, I'm not gonna understand the end

even if do read the beginning and the middle.

You would just skip the whole middle?

Yeah! What happens in the middle?

Nothing happens in the middle, nothing important,

otherwise you wouldn't need the end.

I am not ready to throw in the towel and cheat.

All right. Let me tell you,

you can run from the chromosomal mistakes

of our ancestors, but you can't hide.

The fact that we can't read Moby Dick

has nothing to do with being cousins.

So what is it?

Part of it is aging.

Scientists say the older you get, the less you retain.

What scientists?

I read a thing. Where?

60 Minutes.

Sweetie?

Yeah?

Do you suppose we could call up Cliff

and ask him what the hell he's talking about?

Maybe they have Cliff Notes for the Cliff Notes.

Yeah. Let me know when you're ready to give in

and watch the movie. Warm up the VCR.

Thar she blows!

It was a great white whale, Moby Dick.

And tonight in the story of the same name,

I play the part of Ishmael...

I can't believe you got the Mr. Magoo version.

Queequeg. That's it.

It's a little loud.

That's the only way to enjoy Magoo.

He would take his trusty harpoon,

and standing in the prow of the whale boat,

he'd let fly with unerring aim!

And then there was Captain Ahab.

Oh, that man had terrible problems

battling the great white whale...

A hurricane and a storm,

and then his ship was hit...

All right, that's enough.

I'm enjoying this!

It's not gonna help.

How do you know?

Because this is totally different from the book.

You didn't read the book.

No, but I'm guessing that in the book

Ishmael doesn't try harpooning a goldfish instead of a whale

'cause he's so nearsighted!

Well, fine. The book club is in 16 hours,

so what do you suggest?

All right, come here.

I suggest a little visual aid.

The problem with this book is there's too many words

and not enough pictures.

Yes, there's, like, virtually no pictures.

Mm-hmm. We have to encapsulate.

We have to summarize. We have to hone in

on the few facts that we're absolutely sure of.

All right, great.

Which... What... what would those facts be?

Okay. All right.

This... is the ship, the Pequod.

Pequod.

Okay. And this...

is the whale.

Moby.

Moby Dick.

And this is the captain...

Ahab.

Doesn't look like a captain, but...

that's all I'm asking.

All right.

From what I understand, Ahab...

on the Pequod...

Yeah?

Hunts Moby...

who kills Ahab.

Okay. And?

And that's it. End of story.

That can't be it.

That's too simple. I...

you must be missing something.

Of course I'm missing something.

I didn't read the book.

Which in a book club...

That's really the whole point, isn't it?

Honey, come on. It's fine.

We'll wing it. Let's go to sleep.

All right, all right. Good night.

Good night, cuz.

Night, sweetie.

Okay.

What?

What? Nothing.

What, you don't want to kiss me?

No, no, I do, I do.

Good night.

What?

No... No... Nothing.

What is it?

You look like my Uncle Lenny.

Apparently Queequeg is some sort of mystical character.

Oh, honey, don't do this to yourself.

Do what I do... Embrace your stupidity.

Look. I made sandwiches

in the shape of little boats.

I'm embarrassed to be your cousin.

Hey, finally!

Look what I made for you nice people.

Look, Burt, they made the sandwiches

look like little hats.

They're little... little boats.

How are they boats?

How are they hats?

Can I eat it yet?

Yeah, all right. Sure.

Okay. I thought we would open

with some general impressions of the book.

Who would like to start? Henry?

Me? Oh, boy! Pressure.

Lead-off. Center ring.

Flop sweat. Panic attack.

Gotta go home.

I'm just kidding, of course.

Um... I liked the book.

I was fascinated by the idea

that, um, that water is somehow tied

to human meditation,

that the truth is lying out there

hiding somewhere by the sea,

and until you go, you're left behind

in the dark, alone, always asking questions.

Is today Tuesday? Where'd you get those pants?

Is that turkey salad?

That's very profound, Henry.

No, I'm asking. Is that turkey salad?

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna make a long story short, okay?

Moby Dickis about dating, period.

I'm sorry?

Ahab is the ultimate bachelor.

The whale is the ultimate chick.

Hoo-ah!

Hoo-ah!

Who... uh, can argue with that?

It's a very valid point.

No, really. Seriously.

Think about it. This guy Ahab, he goes out there,

he gives everything he has for this whale,

even though he knows it's gonna kill him.

It's like a moth to a flame.

Or like a guy named Ira to the girl across the street

who won't close her blinds.

Thank you, Ira.

Marvin?

Well, I have to say that I don't like

that they kept on calling Moby a whale.

Every page... whale, whale.

"Hey, look at that big whale."

"Did you see the size of that whale?"

"Hey, whaley! Hey, whaley!"

Marvin, he is a whale.

Well, don't you think he knows that?

Pa? What do you think?

Well, to me Ahab is a man

who squeezed the very last drop out of life right to the end.

If you're gonna die, that's the way to go...

Strapped to this massive animal,

surging through the ocean at 60 miles an hour,

staring death in the face.

Either that, or you go in your sleep.

Paul, Jamie, what do you guys think?

I... I like... I like what...

These are were very provocative...

Oh, oh. You know, sure.

Things to say. You know, I get it.

Perfectly, perfectly valid.

I will say this.

Um... Ahab on the Pequod...

hunts Moby, who kills Ahab.

Uh-huh.

And, uh, Quentin to me seemed like a mystical character.

Who?

Quentin. Quentin was a mystical.

He was sort of mystical.

Queequeg?

Queequeg, yes. He was mystical.

What did you make, for instance,

of Ahab's leg?

Us. You, yes.

Oh, uh...

Wh-what was the question?

What did you make of the leg?

What do we make of it?

How do you mean?

What do you think of it?

I think it's a fine leg.

It's a good leg.

No, no, but symbolically.

Well, symbolically, yeah, you know, 'cause...

well, think about it. You hav... You have to have legs.

Yeah. Otherwise it's just Ahab

standing on the prow of a boat, legless,

which is like sitting, basically, so...

So he'd have to go out, and he'd have to get legs?

Where's he gonna get 'em, like, go to some island

where they sell 'em? I don't think so.

No, that's...

Guys?

Ahab had a wooden leg.

I know.

I'm saying, yes.

What?

Because, you know,

how... I mean, it's so hard to...

To... to chase a whale anyway,

so imagine with a wooden leg. How hard is that?

Yeah, you try it.

Yeah.

You two didn't read the book, did you?

No, no, you know...

Isn't this just great?

You know, you picked the longest book ever written,

you make all of us read it,

and then you don't bother to read it yourselves?

Golly.

I am really offended.

Me, too. Double golly.

You didn't read the book?

Honestly!

What is the matter with you people?

Tell them. We're cousins.

Oh, this is hilarious.

She's my cousin, she's my wife.

She's my cousin, she's my wife. She's my...

I'm glad you think it's so funny.

This affects all of us... You, me, everybody.

We're practically circus people.

Well, it doesn't affect me.

My family knows well enough

to go outside the tent to get their nookie.

Right, Marvin.

Like you have not been in love

with your mother your whole life.

In love with her, yes,

but I never even asked her out.

Uh, may I raise the banner of sanity for a moment here?

Please.

I would like to comment on this sort of thing.

I once had an aunt... Uh, she wasn't exactly my aunt.

Actually, she was a friend of the family,

but I called her "aunt"

until one summer afternoon on Nantucket

when I accidentally saw her step out of the pool shower.

After that I called her Rita.

But I digress.

My problem is... May I?

Please.

I am puzzled by these squiggly lines.

We don't see them anywhere else

on either family tree.

Because they mean

that somebody did something very wrong.

Excuse me.

There's something that simply must be said.

It wasn't her fault.

I want to welcome you to the family now.

Now?

I'm telling you, this is very bad.

Jamie and her new cousin Mom,

they're, like, they're inseparable.

Don't you think you're overreacting?

No! ALL: Hey.

How was your lunch?

I have to tell you,

your mother... once you get to know her, 8 shades of nifty.

Help me, lord.

Would you stop?

Just ignore him. He's being very childish.

Yes, he is.

What's that?

Oh, Sylvia gave it to me.

She said it was in the family.

It's lovely.

Isn't it?

I gotta go call her.

Ma gave her grandma's broach!

I told you this was very bad.

I have always been promised that broach!

I know.

Do you know the things I've had to do

to get that promise?

The mother-daughter fashion shows.

I know.

The matching culottes...

the freakin' bakeoff of '92.

She's breaching on your broach.

Something has gotta be done.

That's all I'm saying.

Enough's enough, sister. Cousin.

Right.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Shh, shh, shh!

Sheesh!

Oh, just open!

I got a pain right there.

Okay.

Quiet, quiet.

Shh!

Did the doorman see you?

Sleeping.

Good. In general, that's bad,

but tonight that's good.

Do you have the broach? Yeah.

Broach. Also a couple of little extra trinkets

just so it wouldn't look suspicious.

Some old cheap necklaces. That's an old watch of mine.

Burglar takes a Taco Bell novelty watch?

I left the window open

so it'll look like the burglar used the fire escape.

It's perfect.

The broach will disappear,

and Ma will tear Jamie apart.

You're very sweet to say that.

Yeah.

Go, go, go! Shh.

Quiet.

Shh! Shut up.

Quiet. Quiet. Very, very quiet.

Shh. Shh!

God bless her.

It's all right.

But Grandma's broach.

Now, don't blame yourself.

I feel so bad.

No, the important thing is that you're all right.

You're so wonderful, Mommy.

No, no, no. It's nothing, it's nothing.

Look. Here, take my watch.

Oh!

Stop.

All right, we get it. You can stop.

Hi. Avon lady.

Just kidding.

What's up?

Well, I was inspired

by your little announcement the other day

to do a little deeper genealogical research,

and, uh, could possibly put these down somewhere?

Sure.

Avon lady. Just kidding.

It's like Avon calling.

You know, actually, there are a lot of arcane abbreviations

used in genealogy.

For instance, the caret indicates a second marriage.

Now, the brackets indicate a maiden name,

and those squiggly lines...

Also known as a swung dash...

Indicate quite fascinatingly...

And how do I put this delicately?

Um... servitude.

Wh-wh-wh...

Irwin Buchman and Hester Stemple were never married.

He was actually her valet.

What?

Her valet! He picked up her clothes...

No, I know what a valet is.

The same with Maximilian and Eleanor.

They were not married.

He waited on her hand and foot.

There's quite a history of Buchmans being bossed around

by Stemples here, but I make no judgment.

I'm just kidding, of course.

Wait, wait. So our family is not inbred?

That's right.

So... So we're just naturally stupid.

Yes. Oh!

Oh, hon, isn't that great?

Oh, god, yes.

Mommy, isn't that great?

Yeah. Gimme the watch.

Come here, you.

Yeah.

What's the matter?

Mmm, nah. Mmm...

You okay?

Yeah.

Mmmmm...

You got a headache or something?

Mmmmmm...

You know, we're not cousins.

Mmmmm...

What is it?

I miss Mommy.

Captions: M.P.