Original subtitles

♪ Itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ Went up the waterspout ♪

♪ Down came the rain ♪

♪ And washed The spider out ♪

♪ And, uh... Tipper Gore ♪

♪ Has a lot of clout ♪

♪ And... Sometimes you sit ♪

♪ And you could Start to pout ♪

♪ Some people have, um ♪

♪ A very bad case Of gout ♪

♪ And if You're not sure ♪

♪ That's called You doubt ♪

That's how it goes.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me All your secrets ♪

♪ I'll tell you Most of mine ♪

♪ They say Nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really True this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you So, baby ♪

♪ Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper In my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens After here? ♪

♪ Let's take Each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump Into the final frontier ♪

♪ Mad about you ♪

♪ Mad about you ♪

Clam chowder. That would be a soup.

Rice cakes. That would be a snacking item.

And pimentos. Pimentos. Boy, that's, hmm,

fruits? Vegetable?

We'll say miscellaneous.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Condiment.

Seriously? Trust me.

Yeah. Tell me again why we do this.

Because last night we ate 13-year-old creamed corn.

I thought it was gravy.

Hey, splink, how are you?

Hello.

What's the matter with you?

What?

Why are you walking like that?

Like what?

Like a... like a really timid monkey.

Hey, can I have this?

No, you can't have it.

Hi, James.

Hey. Nice pants.

Thank you.

That's what it is... the pants!

What?

The pants, with your funny little walk there.

Look at you.

You know what, my friend?

You are just jealous because I can still

fit into a pair of pants that I wore 20 years ago.

And you're saying you're comfortable in these pants.

More or less, yes.

Yeah, okay. Tell you what.

Here's 20 bucks. If you can pick it up, it's yours.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Yeah. Nice talking to you.

Well, they look really nice.

Thank you, James.

So, Paulie, uh,

come with me today, will you, huh?

What's today?

Oh, Ira's got a very, very fascinating date.

With who?

I have no idea.

What am I missing?

Last week, after a very lengthy hiatus,

I actually put on these pair of pants,

and in the pocket, I found this.

What is it?

It's a program from the Hayden Planetarium

from, like, 1979.

Somebody wrote a note, see, with today's date. 1 p.m.,

and a little note saying, "See you then."

Wow.

Wild, isn't it?

She kissed it. That's so sexy.

Well, listen... we're hoping it's a she.

You have no idea who this is?

James, come on. It was the 1970s.

I had a Trans Am, a beautiful set of muttonchops,

and an afro that made me look 6'5".

It's great that you're going.

It's like fate.

What is?

That Ira would trim down

just in time to fit into these pants

that have been in mothballs since, like, 1979,

that you find this in the pocket and keep the appointment.

It's destiny!

Yeah.

She gets like this when she cleans.

Paul, are you coming with?

No, I'm wiping peanut butter here. I got a lot to do.

But if it turns out it's destiny, you'll call us up.

Okay. Just hope if she turns up, she's not some nut.

Well, if she's some nut, you call us up.

Are they really pop tarts?

What's it to you?

I'm just surprised, that's all.

Hey... Oop! I'll get that.

Gets like what?

What?

Gets like what?

What?

Hey, Aunt Syl. Hey, Uncle Burt!

Howdy, howdy, howdy!

Why are you walking like that?

Aw, it's nothing.

I have a cream.

Hey, Burt, Sylvia.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Is that your rearview mirror again?

Yup.

You still driving that piece-of-junk car?

Hey, watch it, buddy.

You've had this car since I'm 10.

There's no reverse.

Seriously, since 1993

the man has only driven forward.

Wherever you need to go it reverse,

there's a way to get there in forward.

I understand that, but...

What do you think people did

before there was a reverse, Mr. Big Shot?

I don't know what they did, but my point...

All right, the "reverse" conversation.

That's it. Listen,

if you don't hear from me before Thursday,

you call somebody, all right?

Good luck. Go get 'em, monkey.

Paulie, your father and I

are going away for the weekend.

I wonder, could we borrow your big suitcase?

Sure. What happened to yours?

Your father keeps his TV Guidesin there.

Sylvia, where are you going?

Oh. Remember the Melvilles?

Enough.

Yeah. Well, we're gonna house-sit

for them in Buffalo.

We're driving up there tomorrow afternoon.

You're driving? Yeah.

Oh, no, no. No, no.

We'll be fine.

No, you are not driving

that stinky car to Buffalo.

You can rent one.

Oh, why rent one? I got snow tires.

Yeah, well, when the snow tires get to Buffalo,

they can send for the rest of the car.

Okay, listen, come on, Burt.

We got to pack.

We'll call when we get there.

All right, but... be-be careful.

Burt, come on. I have to cut the carrots,

I have to make the egg salad...

Road trip!

Yeah, all right, but, jeez, be...

This is not good.

This is very not good.

All right.

What are you gonna do?

I am gonna rent them a car.

No, no, no. You know he'll never go for that.

Well, this trip to Buffalo is not gonna happen,

so please tell me what we should do.

Remember when you lost your Notre Dame t-shirt?

Yeah. I loved that shirt. I used to wear it every day.

Yes, you did.

You hated that shirt.

You always... You said it was ratty

and smelled like Fontina cheese.

Mm-hmm. And then you lost it.

But it all turned out for the best

because people stopped laughing and pointing.

That's true. I was a better man without the shirt. I never

figured out how I lost that shirt. It was in the hamper,

and then it was in the drawer, then it was, like...

gone.

Are you kidding me?

I did it because I love you.

What are you saying?

I'm just saying that sometimes,

when things don't work so good,

they need to...

disappear.

And it's for the best?

Yes...

I'm so scared of you right now, I'm aroused.

As we ponder the celestial magic

of the summertime sky, we know one thing for sure.

That's a lot of stars.

Thank you for coming. Have a nice day.

Hey, how you doing?

Get lost.

Ah, hey, 20 years. Long time, huh?

Why, you haven't aged a day.

Whoa!

Hey, long time no see.

How's it goin'?

Do I look familiar to you?

No, I guess not.

My god, the pants still fit.

Marianne!

Of course!

Mwah!

You didn't even remember.

No, no, I did. I did.

Well, you know, not exactly.

But, hey, I showed up, didn't I?

Yeah.

Oh, you look good!

Please. I look great.

Yeah, you do.

You look great.

You all right there?

Oh, yeah. I'm good.

So, how you been, Marianne?

I'm dating a duke now.

A duke?

Yeah, well, you know,

when you become what they call ensconced

in the upper social crest, that's who you meet...

Dukes, earls... Them kind of people.

What is he the duke of?

Hmm?

I mean, if he's a duke,

he's gotta be the duke of something.

Oh, whatever.

The point is, he's even more loaded than the last one.

You?

How's your life?

Good. Good. It's great, as a matter of fact.

I opened 2 new stores, so, you know, business is booming,

really keeping me busy.

Oh, that's good.

And also I'm dating a supermodel,

which, you know, is great, because she's just...

Ooh, she's so beautiful. But you know what?

She's also really a very good person.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Ah, who am I kidding, Marianne?

You know, the truth is,

I am running my one business into the ground.

My last girlfriend became a man just after I started dating her.

The other day, a 90-year-old guy in a deli stole my bagel.

Wow, Ira, that's a really sad story.

Want to hear an even sadder one?

I'm completely broke and living with my mother

in Secaucus, New Jersey.

What?

What happened to the money?

I spent it.

Oh.

Jeez, Marianne, I'm sorry.

Ah, what are you gonna do?

I had my fun.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here's a crazy thought.

How about... just until you get on your feet...

How about you come and stay with me?

Let's skip the whole,

"I couldn't, you could, I couldn't, you could" thing.

I'd love to. Terrific.

Thank you, Ira.

Ah, you're welcome.

So what do you want to do? You want to go somewhere?

Where?

Anywhere. I gotta get out of these pants.

There's parts of me asleep that have never been asleep before.

Oh, my god.

Each time I see it, it gets a little sadder.

Are you sure we're doing the right thing?

Please don't turn out to be a bad person

to steal a car with. Okay. Okay.

Let's just do it.

We're not... not stealing the car. Just...

How's it going there, honey?

You know what?

This is the key for the ignition.

There's a separate key for the door.

Oh, my god, this car is so old.

Are you kidding? This is the car

that Henry Ford drove to the place where he invented the car.

All right. Stand back.

Sometimes if you hit it just right...

I used to be able to...

Let's see here. I gotta go up and under.

Where did you learn to do that?

The Todayshow.

Man, your father's got a lot of junk in here.

So now what do we do?

Now we find an alley, take off the plates,

file the serial number off the engine block.

It'll be like the car never existed.

I gotta start watching the Todayshow.

Ebony?

Ever since I can remember.

Does that guy look like an undercover cop?

Honey, he's a guy buying a cantaloupe.

I don't think he's buying cantaloupe.

Look at how he's handling them.

That's exactly the way you handle cantaloupe

when you're actually an undercover cop

pretending to be buying cantaloupe.

He must be from the elite melon squad.

Get out of the car with your hands up.

You see, thatwould be a cop.

This was a bad call, Jamie. A bad call.

It'll be fine. Your parents aren't going to press charges.

But the cops are gonna grill us.

Let's... let's get our stories straight.

Just whatever I say, you go along with it.

Okay.

What? Honey.

Okay. Don't worry.

All right! Let's go!

This way, please.

What?

Wait a minute. We're actually together.

This is Buchman, party of 2.

Move it, please!

Shut up, please! But...

Okay. Honey! Don't worry.

Ha-ha-ha! Dos cervezas coming right up.

And, hey! Stay beautiful, baby,

but more than that, stay a good person.

Oh! Hey!

Hello.

Ira, Chuck. Chuck, Ira.

How's it goin'?

Good, sir.

Can I use the bathroom?

Sure. It's right there.

He's a sweet kid.

He thinks I look like Drew Barrymore.

I'm happy for you.

He's a terrific, terrific kid, you know?

What time you gotta have him back to the orphanage?

Cut it out.

Hey, you want a beer?

Sure.

How's it goin' in there?

I don't know.

People seem to be enjoying themselves.

Tell me something.

You still doing that running man move?

No. I was asked to stop that.

Thank god.

Really glad you're here, Marianne.

Mmm.

Me, too.

We're the Buchmans.

Yes. Mr. And Mrs. Buchman.

I'm detective Sharp. Have a seat.

Oh, my god, Burt, did you hear that?

"Have a seat." Good never followed that sentence.

All right, easy, babe.

We found a car that matches the description

of the one that you reported missing.

The license plate number's 826OUS,

a 1974 Chevrolet Monte Carlo.

How's business for you? Good? Okay.

So I have to inform you

that the car was found not to be road-worthy.

As a matter of fact, it's not even insult-worthy.

We had to impound it.

When's the last time you had the car inspected, Mr. Buchman?

Uh... I... Uh... uh... well...

Come on, pop, think, think.

Smack yourself in the head. Think about it.

Instead of questioning us, the victim,

shouldn't you be out looking for the parps?

The who?

The parps. The people who committed this heinous crime.

The perps.

What?

The perps. Perpetrators.

Fine. Good. Them.

Shouldn't you be out looking for the perps, Sherp?

Parps. Sharp.

I'm sharp, they're perps.

Just find them!

Great. Thank you, ma'am.

Look. Listen.

We found a Jamie and Paul Buchman at the scene.

My own son and daughter-in-law?

I mean, why would they?

I don't know, maybe because their whole lives

they live in your shadow,

even as you vicariously live through them,

forcing on them all your unfulfilled hopes and dreams

whether they want it or not.

What? I don't know.

There's got to be some explanation.

Yes. My son Paulie would never steal from us.

Neither would his wife Jamie.

I'm not so sure about that.

On many an occasion,

I've seen her eyeing my Bavarian chocolate-cake plates.

So, you're into anti-Semitic desserts. Good.

So, kids, you gonna press charges or not?

What are you saying, that they've confessed?

No, but they will.

You're kidding.

Yeah. It's a big prank, pops.

Holy moly.

Well, we do not wish to press charges.

Okay.

Not so fast, Sylvia.

Okay.

What are you saying, Burt?

Well, would you mind if we took... took some time,

a minute or something?

Okay. It's been great talking.

I'm gonna go watch the luge finals.

Thanks, I... I don't smoke.

Those are for me, slappy.

Sorry.

You're in deep kimchi here, Mr. Buchman.

Sir, I have to say, I have not as of yet,

uh, been given a chance to make my phone call.

Always with the phone call.

Like that's gonna save them.

Fifteen years, never saw the phone call help.

Not one time, ever. But you go ahead, cowboy.

You dial away.

Okay. Thank you.

It's ringing.

It's ringing some more.

Probably in the shower.

Ring...

Give me that.

Are you guilty, Mr. Buchman?

No, I'm not.

Look, let me... let me tell you something, officer.

Detective. Sorry.

Do I look like a school crossing guard?

No. Do I have a uniform on?

Do I have a hat with a badge on?

Thank you. Not at all.

Detective, I love this country,

and I love... its laws

and its traditions.

I love its laws and its traditions

and the spirit behind them all.

I... I love... I love the laws, the traditions,

and the spirit,

and the blood of our boys

which has been shed on foreign shores all these years

in an effort to defend those very laws

and traditions and the spirit,

and... and I love that blood, I love those boys.

Sit down, Mr. Buchman! Yes, sir.

How long you been married?

How long have you been married?

Seven years.

Whoa! Let me shake your hand.

Don't ever touch, sir.

You trust your wife?

Of course I trust her. She's... she's a wonderful woman.

Yeah, she's a real prize.

I'm sorry?

How about she blamed the whole thing on you?

What?

Yeah. She said it was all your idea,

she was an unwilling passenger.

Hmm?

No, no, no.

She would never do that.

She wouldn't, huh, Mr. B?

Okay, here's the thing... This was really all her idea.

She... she... you know, she stole my t-shirt once.

She... she looks sweet and everything,

but she... she's got the mind of a criminal.

This is the amazing thing about her. She's sweet, but she's cold

and she's calculating, sometimes she's just downright mean.

This is just between you and me, though, right?

There's no reason to write.

Listen. I don't want to make this any more difficult

than it has to be, okay, Mrs. Buchman?

Okay.

I mean, I look at you, I see a woman...

if things had been different, who knows?

It might have been you and me, you know?

Sure.

Yeah, right. Listen. Can you tell me

how you and your husband happened to be at the scene?

Well, we were walking by the car,

and we noticed that it was illegally parked.

Wanting to save our parents the parking ticket,

we broke into the car and started it, using our extra key.

And then we drove around and started looking for a new spot.

So you drove 70 blocks looking for another parking spot.

That's right.

Do you trust your husband?

Of course I trust him. He's my soul mate.

How about he blamed the whole thing on you?

He would never do that.

He wouldn't, huh, Mrs. B?

But, Burt, you can't press charges.

He's your only son.

Exactly. If I don't teach him right from wrong, who will?

Maybe that big fellow in the holding cage.

They had no right to do this.

None.

It was very disrespectful.

Oh, it was.

But you understand why they did it?

They're worried about us.

They're good kids.

They love us.

That's all.

You know...

a new car might not be so bad.

Yeah.

Like maybe a 1979 Plymouth Volare.

Oh!

I said we shouldn't do it,

but he wouldn't listen.

Don't let that "bumbling idiot" act fool you.

He knows what he's doing.

You know, he yelled at me.

No.

He did!

He was vicious and heartless,

and he was ruthless and cruel.

You know, he sold pot in college.

Well, it turns out, Mrs. Buchman,

that your father-in-law is not gonna press charges.

You're free to go.

Nice meetin' ya.

Sweetie.

You okay?

Yeah. Are you?

Yeah. Boy, that was something, huh?

I just want to go home.

The things they were saying in there,

and the things they tried to get me to say about you...

It was horrible.

I said, hey, you...

You do whatever you want to me,

you leave her alone.

They practically begged me to pin it on you,

but I told them they could shove it.

I love you.

I love you.

Mwah. Mwah.

And as Leo reaches across the full night sky,

he finds Pisces licking her lips and ready for action.

Together, they begin an interstellar dance

that is as old as time itself.

Off comes Orion's belt,

as Orion's pants fall to the celestial floor.

Aquarius, with little coaxing,

takes her top off,

and for the first time in eons,

gets Poseidon's attention.

Seeing this, the Gemini twins

confess an ancient longing for contact

that the galaxy will not permit.

And lightheaded and full of fire,

Taurus the bull begins clawing the ground with one hoof

and squirming out of his loincloth with the other.

Sagittarius fires his love arrow,

and Virgo, the supposed virgin,

looks away guiltily.

She knows she's got some explaining to do.

Captions: M.P.