Original subtitles

You know what? You're right. We still got it.

Yeah.

Ever since he was attacked by the puma,

Murray has not been the same.

Yeah, well, those puma attacks

are tough to put behind you.

He's jumpy and irritable.

He cowers at any sign of a cat.

We can't even walk past the library anymore.

You know, how outside... The big cats...

Lions. The two big and... never mind.

Sheila, it's a real problem.

So, what we've done is...

we've entered Murray in a dog show.

We're hoping if he does well,

it will be like therapy for him.

It'll help rebuild his self-esteem.

Right, right.

Show him he still has value as a dog.

Despite the fact that he was beaten up

by essentially a kitten.

What do you think, Sheila?

Well, I think worries over your dog's psyche

should be the worst of your problems.

Well, not necessarily... Don't minimize this.

There's something I want to tell you.

It's a good thing. It's something

I've been thinking about telling you for a few weeks now.

It's something I can't say to all my patients.

What is that? What?

You're cured.

Your therapy is over.

It has been successful, but now it's at an end.

I'm always going to be here for you,

but we don't have to meet anymore. Congratulations!

What the hell are you talking about?

What have you been reading in there?

When you first came to see me, there were chinks in your armor.

No question. Sure.

Some bumps here and there. Hello? Huge bumps.

Yes. But now you're in a good, healthy place.

You're well-equipped to deal with what life throws at you.

And so it's time for me

to send you off into the world

so you can spread your wings of sanity

and fly across the great happy plains of the well-adjusted.

What the hell are you talking about?

You're healthy enough.

Healthy enough? Jamie.

It's that we're boring, isn't it?

Fly, little birdie. Fly away.

Is it that I don't cry enough?

Oh, honey, I don't... 'Cause I can cry.

I can cry a lot.

Oh, like Mandy Patinkin.

Now, listen, Jamie, I can understand what you're feeling.

It's natural for people to have some trepidation

when therapy ends.

But I urge you to stay calm and resist the panic reflex.

Okay.

I'm not leaving.

Can I just say, I'm...

I'm glad we're cured.

We are not cured.

You especially are not cured.

What does that mean?

See. What does that mean?

Paul, Jamie... This is ridiculous.

We are not healthy enough.

Don't you take any pride in your product?

People are gonna meet us, they're gonna say,

"who's your therapist?" and we're gonna tell them.

You don't want that. Jamie, Paul,

it's with a bittersweet heart

that I bid you a fond farewell.

Wow, okay.

Well, you know what, Sheila? Thank you very much.

What does that mean, "healthy enough"?

She's saying we're healthy enough.

I always thought leaving therapy would be a process.

It is. Goodbye.

Okay, listen, best of luck to you.

My understanding is that it's like a gradual, kind of...

Uh-huh. Other places, not here.

That they ease you off into some kind of awareness...

All right. I'm gonna walk away. Thanks.

Why do you see this as a bad thing?

What are we gonna do without therapy?

We'll be saving money, and we'll have an extra hour to... To...

To do something that takes about an hour.

And, by the way, we're also not crazy anymore.

To me, that's a big plus.

Oh, you are really gonna believe

that woman's psychological assessment of us?

She's our therapist.

So?

Honey, it's all relative.

You know, look, you're certainly saner than this guy.

At least we're dressed, and we don't smell like shrimp salad.

I'm just worried that as problems arise,

we aren't gonna be able to deal with them without Sheila.

What if... What if there were no problems?

We'll think of something.

Do you hear yourself?

You know what I'm saying.

Look, whatever problems arise, we will deal with

like the pillars of mental health that we are.

Yeah.

Halt. I'm sorry?

Are you aware you crossed the street

in the middle of the block? Oh. I guess so, yeah.

I'm afraid I have to give you a ticket.

You're kidding.

Yes. It's a big prank. Your name, please.

Oh, come on. May I have you name, please?

You may not. Excuse me?

It's okay, officer. Honey, it's okay.

No, it's not okay.

It's insane. This is New York.

People shoot each other for a chicken sandwich.

Fires are burning in the street.

You're giving us a jay-walking ticket?

Can I have your name, please?

Yes. Yes. My name is Terror Reigns in this City.

I am Mrs. Terror Reigns in this City.

Is there no better use of your time?

My name is Mrs. "is there no better use of your time?"

That is my name.

Officer, you have to excuse, Mrs. Time.

Uh, it's just... we've been trying to...

Your name, please? No!

I'm going to give you one more chance to peaceably accept

this justice that is being meted out to you. Otherwise...

All units in the vicinity, a 211 in progress.

Hey, a 211 is now in progress.

A 211 that you could have prevented

had you not been hunting down renegade jay-walkers.

This 211 is on your head.

Lipksy, roger. Wait here.

Yes, sir, ma'am.

Come on.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

You're not actually gonna stand here and wait

for her to come back and give you a jay-walking ticket?

That's what a healthy, mentally well-adjusted person would do.

Okay, this alone is proof that you need to stay in therapy.

Come on. What are you gonna do, flee?

She never even got our names.

She has no idea who we are.

I'm... I'm not comfortable on the lam.

You know, I mean, I like to be off the lam.

I do a little better off the lam,

maybe a bit to the left of the lam.

Fine. You know what? You stay

and wait for the nice lady. I'm leaving.

You're not going. You can't go.

Sweetie, you can't go.

These are not the actions of a healthy person!

Wait for me!

Come on, Murray.

Nat, show us what you got.

So, Murray, we're gonna plant ourselves,

and we're gonna just leap.

Murray, Murray.

Murray, right through here, we're gonna just leap.

Let's think about the possibility of just leaping.

Stick the landing.

Stick it.

Looking good there, Nat.

Mrs. Buchman, ya sure this dog show is such a fabulous idea?

I mean, Murray's gonna be required to negotiate

all these obstacles here.

You know, maybe he's right.

Maybe we should pull Murray out.

It's all these fancy people,

and I gotta get a blazer. Absolutely not.

Nat, this dog show is Murray's therapy.

Unless you think he's cured too.

Don't hold her like that.

Why not? Because it pinches her.

You're pinching her.

Cured? I wouldn't say cured.

Instead of being afraid of a kitty cat, Murray,

we could weave. Huh, you wanna weave?

Let's weave. Murray, weave.

Thinking about starting the weaving process here?

I think you can make things worse for Murray

if he doesn't perform well.

I mean, he's going to get in some kind of huge canine...

What is the matter with you?

How do you know they're not looking for us?

I can't believe you think you're cured. Oh, my God.

Hey, Billy Joel.

Are you okay?

Yeah, he's my husband.

Oh, yeah, I been there.

Big star like that.

What's he doing in the park?

We proudly climb...

Yeah, honey, he's gonna be the star of the dog show.

He will rise to the occasion.

I wanna believe, but...

He is staying in the dog show, Paul.

Somebody in this family deserves a fighting chance

at mental health. You know, for centuries,

there was no such thing as therapy and people did fine.

The truth is there's something

I wanted to bring up in therapy next week.

What? I don't wanna tell you now.

I wanna tell you in therapy next week.

Well, there is no therapy next week.

No, there isn't, is there?

So maybe you should just tell me now.

I don't wanna talk about it now.

Why not? Because I don't.

Well, whatever it is, we'll just deal with it.

It'll be easy. Just blurt it out.

I don't want to blurt it out.

It's not the kind of thing you just blurt out.

Blurt it out! I want you to get a vasectomy.

Didn't see that one coming.

Oh, dear God, Murray, please climb.

You just blurt something like that out?

I've given it a lot of thought. I wanna get off the pill.

I get bloated, my breasts are tender.

Me and Murray are gone head over to the teeter-totter

which is over there, more distance. Come on, Murray.

I wanna find a different form of birth control.

And that's the only possible option that you could imagine,

some guy slices my urethra? It's not your urethra.

Whatever it is, it's not good.

It's not that big a deal.

Honey, when somebody shaves your groin,

that's a big deal, okay?

And by the way, if I get a vasectomy,

that means we can't have any more children, so.

Oh.

Really?

I've been feeling like maybe one is enough.

You couldn't squeeze that into today's session?

Sheila?

Hi, Paul. What are you doing?

Oh, I, uh, I just thought I lost something.

Oh... okay.

Um, I was, I... I... I need to talk to you.

Oh, boy.

Here's the thing.

I understand that I'm cured, I really do.

But the truth is, and I think we both know this,

I was never exactly the crazy one to begin with.

Oh, Paul... Now, hey, hey,

I say nothing bad about anybody else.

You know, you don't have to confirm or deny.

It's just that I see how hard Jamie works in therapy,

and I love her for it, I really do.

But between you and me,

that woman has no business getting off the couch.

I don't think this is the time...

No, hey, I caught it. What?

That little throat-clearing thing you did. I caught it.

What are you talking about?

When you said we were cured,

you said, "you're cured, ahem."

"You're cured, ahem."

Like, "I'm not saying both of you, but you know who you are."

I got it. Okay, we should stop...

Hey, you're right. Enough said.

The point is... My question now is,

what do I do about this poor kid?

I mean, two minutes after you tell her she's cured,

she's on the street, she's yelling at the police.

Then she's fleeing the scene of a traffic violation,

and then she lashes out at me, "I want you to get a vasectomy,"

and "I don't want to have any more children with you."

I mean, she's a big nut now.

She's really become quite the nut,

and I'm just concerned that...

Paul, what are you doing?

Okay. Hmm? Nothing.

So I need to know what we need to do

about this big nut.

Paul, you just finished therapy.

This is a time for love, patience,

and positive reinforcement,

not name calling and disdain. No disdain.

Whatever she says, she's right.

Even about the vasectomy?

Yes. In fact, you should be the one to bring it up again.

Say... Say you've thought about it,

and you think it's a wonderful idea.

But I don't. I think it's a bad, bad... It's a big stinky idea.

Paul, she's not going to make you get a vasectomy.

She just wants to talk about it.

She wants to talk about it.

Yeah. Oh, well, all right.

Hey, listen, are you sure? Yes, I'm positive.

But if you're wrong... Snippy, snippy...

There goes my vena cava.

It isn't your vena cava.

Whatever it is. The point is

if you think that we should go back into therapy,

even if it's just for Jamie's sake, I'm willing to do that.

No, it isn't necessary, Paul.

Are you... Are you sure? Yeah, positive.

All right. So I should talk to her and tell her...

Just talk to her and tell her

you're willing to have a vasectomy.

Okay. Even though I'm not gonna have to do it,

but just let her have that.

Yeah, just give her that. Okay.

Okay. Okay, good. This was good.

Thank you. You're welcome.

All right, thanks. Thank you very much.

You're very welcome.

Are you going...? No, I gotta, you know...

For God sakes, let me give you something.

Oh, no, no, no. Listen, I made you work.

Let me compensate you for your time.

No, no, it's okay, Paul.

Are you sure? I'm positive.

Well, that's very generous of you there, Sheila.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Okay. Bye-bye.

I'm gonna go, then.

Okay. See ya.

I'm just...

Oh, green light.

Okay. Okay, then.

My children hate me.

My husband laughs at me.

Each day I feel myself slipping away a little more.

I just don't see the point in going on.

Mrs. Peterson, it is very important

that you stop saying things like that.

It worries me that perhaps...

I'm so sorry. Jamie?

Oh, my God, I'm just so terribly sorry to interrupt.

I know it violates every rule of therapy etiquette

to walk in in the middle of a session.

But I'm in a really bad way here.

I waited as long as I could.

You guys aren't gonna be done until 10 of,

and by that time I'd have jumped out a window. I'm so sorry.

This is going to take exactly one second.

And when you hear what it's about, believe me,

you'll sympathize. I really must ask...

Sheila, let's be honest, I may be cured.

I mean, I know I am.

I kind of knew that you were gonna tell me I was.

But Paul, I realize, the poor guy,

he's just not making the same kind of progress.

Jamie. I know.

I know it's totally uncool

for you to admit to one member of a couple

that she may be farther along than the other.

So don't say anything. I'm gonna say something to you.

When you told me and Paul that we were cured,

I saw you wink at me. For God's sake, Jamie.

I didn't say anything at the time,

but I saw, Sheila. I saw.

And I knew what you meant. All right, look...

From the minute we walked out of here,

he's been having these paranoid fantasies

that the cops are after us

because we blew off some jay-walking ticket.

Can you imagine? And then yesterday,

we had our first, sort of,

serious post-Sheila conversation,

and I'll tell you, what a barrel of laughs that was.

I gingerly broached the subject of a vasectomy.

He flipped out is what he did. He lost it.

He snapped like an autumn twig.

Can you imagine?

Please! Please, can we come back, Sheila? Please.

I'll stop stealing the magazines.

We'll pay you under the table.

Forgive me, Mrs. Peterson.

Jamie, coming back is not necessary.

Paul is just experiencing simple separation anxiety.

What you need to do right now is build him up, not tear him down.

So whatever he says, he's right.

If he thinks the cops are after him, you go along with it,

act like they are. Ultimately, he'll see

that his terror is groundless, and he'll let it go.

Then you two will be able to solve your own problems.

I don't know. You say it with such conviction.

That's because it's true.

Okay. Okay, Sheila.

Okay. Look, Jamie...

And listen, I'm so... Oh, dear!

Oh, dear God, Mrs. Peterson.

Put that down. Life is worth living.

Life is essentially a positive experience.

Sheila, are you... Have you got her?

'Cause I'm late, so I'm gonna... Yeah.

Good afternoon, dog lovers.

Please direct your attention

to the carpet for the North American Kennel Club's

Mixed Breed Competition.

And now at the starting line,

Shirley.

Wow!

Shirley is incredible, huh?

Uh-huh.

You got nothing, Shirley. No stick.

You don't even know who your father is.

Hey, hey.

You don't yell at a dog like that.

It's a sporting event.

I'd say the same thing to Jack Nicklaus.

Shirley! Shirley!

We're so sorry.

Shirley's time, 36.2 blistering seconds.

And now Bucky.

Yo, Bucky, you suck!

If you have a sign that says John3:16,

I want it now.

Paul, you bring up the vasectomy.

Vasectomy... Vasectomy.

Whatever she says, Paul, she's right.

She's right, she's right.

Tell her, tell her, tell her. Now!

You know what I think?

I think... I think I should get a vasectomy.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, because, you know, I been thinking about it,

and... we already have a kid,

and the pills, it's so unpleasant.

You know, with your head and your breast,

bloating and exploding, you don't need that.

I could snip, snip, right in the aorta.

It's not your aorta.

Whatever it is.

Jamie, indulge him about the cops.

You know what I think?

The cops... The cops. I think...

I think you're right.

I think the cops are looking for us.

Seriously? Yes.

Sweetie, that's a security guard.

He doesn't even have a whistle.

The guards could be lulling us

into a false sense of security,

so the cops can fly in and nail us.

Really? Yes!

Look, there's another guard.

The place is lousy with 'em.

You're not just mocking me now, are ya?

No.

And now, Jeepers.

Because I'll tell you something,

this is a very real danger. Who's ducking?

But the ducking could be part of the mocking.

I am ducking from the bottom of my heart.

You're mocking me. You are mocking me.

I am not mocking.

You're mocking. You're mocking.

No, gently. The littlest bit of mocking. Hardly...

It's a little silly, isn't it, the ducking?

It's no sillier than a vasectomy.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

35.3 seconds. And now,

Mucus.

Correction, Mocus.

Besides, the procedure is reversible.

Oh, yeah. By all means, let's just rely on that.

Paul, we have a beautiful child.

I assumed that you'd want to have

maybe another beautiful child.

How many? I don't know.

More than one. Two, maybe three.

If we're up to it, four.

Four, really? I'm just picking a number.

And now, Murray. Come on, Murray!

Show 'em where you live!

Here we go. Here we go, pal.

Please, come on.

Shall we hit the ol' starting line, Murray?

Okay, there.

Here we go.

All right, then.

There we go.

Okay, commence, Murray.

Four children? Why not 30?

You know, when you use sarcasm, you tear down,

you don't build up.

I'm sorry. It's just the sheer absurdity

of the number... Four! It just went up to five.

What?!

Keep biting at me, baby!

Okay, first of all, I'm not the baby. You're the baby.

Six. I'm dealing with a crazy person.

Six kids. Do I hear seven?

How can you poss... Eight.

Eight kids. I now want eight children.

Well, good luck. Nine, we're gonna have nine.

You know what? We'll save time, 10 kids.

Murray, commence. Please, God.

Those puma attacks are tough

to put behind you, behind you, behind you.

Here we go, let's commence.

Puma attacks... Puma attacks... Puma attacks.

Comm... Commence means start.

Puma, puma, puma.

Just commence here.

29.5 seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your champion,

Murray!

We're in first place! We're in first place!

What are you, kidding me?

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Buchman...

Whoo!

You did it, boy! You did it!

See, I told you. Look at the self-esteem in his eyes.

I wonder what that's like.

You'll never know.

And you had this whole argument in the middle of a dog show?

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

You guys are nuts.

This is what we're saying. Huzzah!