Original subtitles

Kenny. Your boss is treating you

like a piece of dirt. That's right.

Kenny, don't... Don't be a piece of dirt.

All right, then. I'll be back in 60 seconds.

Who's that, Dr. Cathy?

I love this Dr. Cathy.

This is how you spend your morning,

listening to a hack psychologist

exploit the troubled?

No, not just that. Also, I made juice.

You've been at that for an hour.

I know. 50 more oranges and a Danish,

we got ourselves a continental breakfast.

I got the stuff for Uncle Phil's lunch.

Oh, he's gonna love that.

It's amazing.

The man is going back to high school.

Sweetie, it's not that strange.

A lot of people drop out of high school,

and then they go back later.

Yeah, not 63 years later.

I'm pretty sure he'll be the only kid in school

eating pickled herring.

Boo!

Jeez! Ah!

Sorry. Sorry. You should really ask me

to give you back the house keys.

Give me back those house keys.

Oh! Juice.

Don't finish that. I just... Oh!

How were you raised? Ahh.

Hey. Wanna scream again?

No. Not really.

Ah! Oh, my!

Sweet mother of all things.

What... What...

What is that?

Do you like 'em?

They're not shy.

I saw this sign on the D train

for this really cool plastic surgeon,

so... ba-boom.

You got breast implants from the D train?

More... It's more like the double-D train, actually.

You wanna touch 'em?

Can I?

She meant me. Oh.

Anyone. Come on, touch 'em.

Really? Really?

Yeah. Feel 'em. They're like real.

Eh?

This one's good.

Yeah.

This one's...

Nothing wrong with this one.

You got...

You got big new breasts.

What do you think?

Nothing. There's no thoughts in my head, honey.

Ooh! I gotta run. Okay.

Can you, though? Can you run with these?

I have to depart is what I mean.

Where you goin'? Stick around.

I'm make some more juice.

Are you sure this is where Uncle Phil

told us to meet him?

This is what he said,

right in front of locker 214.

17 left,

15 right,

12 left.

Who's that?

I don't know.

17 left,

15 right, 12 left.

Oh, my God.

Sounds like it's coming from inside the locker.

17 left, 15 right, 12 left!

Oh, my God. Did you get it?

Uncle Phil! Uncle Phil!

Uncle Phil, are you all right?

I make a living. No, no, no...

I mean, for a person on a fixed income,

you have to learn to buy in bulk.

Yeah, no, no. You were stuck inside the locker?

It's like being in a tomb in Westminster Abbey. Terrible.

You know, they bury them standing up

in Westminster Abbey. Oh, really?

There's not a lot of room for all the legends and kings.

They're buried standing up.

Can you imagine standing for all eternity?

It's no good.

Must be murder on your arches.

How do they survive it?

Even if the king of England begs you...

For some reason, if I should

discover penicillin or something...

They want to bury me there,

say no.

I wanna lie flat.

Like... Like Kansas.

You know, you can see all of Kansas from a high chair.

Really?

That's how flat it is.

Every Kansas child has a terrific view

of Kansas on a clear day.

They see a little Nebraska, too.

How did you get in there?

This monster, this bully...

Jared Frankenstein...

He shoved me by the hair, he pushed me in there.

The kid's name is Frankenstein?

It's actually Finkelstein,

but is should be Frankenstein.

The lousy kid.

Just finished with puberty, 14 years old,

he's got a mustache like a Turkish dictator.

He has a mustache like this. This is how big it is.

I gotta tell you,

that's how big this kid is. That's a big kid.

And he's only 14.

Why did he put you in there?

Why? Why is there war?

Why is there suffering?

Why is mackerel such a fishy fish?

You know? We're not always told why.

That's true. True.

The main thing is you're okay.

It must be just so tough for you

to be the new kid in school, huh?

I can do it. I'm equal to the task.

Not only that, listen,

I'm gonna do all my courses,

and I'm also gonna try out for the track team.

The track team?

Yes. I was very fast as a young man.

Remember Roger Bannister? Sure.

He did a mile in four minutes. Right.

Phil Buchman did a mile in four minutes...

and 20 minutes.

A grand total of 24, but Roger was worried.

Is Buchman comin' up? Is Buchman comin' up?

Where's Buchman?

I had no idea.

You did so many things.

There's very little in my years

that I have not... I've done everything.

Everything?

Ask me something. All right.

Did you, uh...

Did you ever touch an owl?

16 times.

Really?

I happen to love owls.

There's one of the softest things in the world,

especially under their ruff.

They're so soft.

I didn't know that. Yes.

And I'll tell you something,

if you ever see an owl lying on the ground...

An owl that hit a limb, an accident...

Don't try to turn his head around.

Okay. Because they go 360, you know?

That's their big selling point.

You know, they do a lot of thi...

Ooh. Prom night.

That's why I'm here.

I'm here...

I never got to ever go to the prom night.

Uncle Phil, if you finish your courses,

you can go to the prom.

Really? Yeah.

You must be an excellent mother.

Thank you.

Because you communicate.

My mother didn't understand us.

We didn't speak the same language.

No? You had a generation gap?

No. We spoke English. She spoke Polish.

Oh.

We didn't know what the hell she...

She'd say halugish, haligem.

We didn't whether to go to sleep or eat a piece of...

We didn't know what that woman wanted.

I don't want you to be late for your first day.

Here we go. This is it...

American history. Mr. Brodsky.

All set? Here we go.

Wait. Firm embrace.

Firm embrace.

Firmer.

Firmer.

Too firm.

Oh, God.

Thank you. Sorry.

A little twinge here, but I'm okay.

All right, here's your books. Thank you.

That's so kind of you.

I wanna be like a kid, you know.

You got it. Here's your lunch.

Mm! Thanks. I love that.

You got it. I love you both.

I'm gonna make you very proud of me.

We know you are.

Good luck... Yes.

To me. Right.

What's the matter, you never saw

a 12th-grader before?

Who are you?

Philip Buchman, your new student.

Can I help you to your seat?

Hello. Philip Buchman.

Philip Buchman, your new classmate.

Buchman here. New classmate.

Buchman. Classmate.

Don't worry.

A couple of years, that'll all clear up.

How you doin'?

Your new classmate, Philip Buchman.

Philip, take a seat, please.

Me? Excuse me. Okay...

I just wanna take out a few things

from my pencil box.

I just wanna make sure I have my ruler,

my pencil, my eraser...

In case I make a mistake.

I'm never without my compass.

You always have to have your compass.

You must know where true north is,

or else you'll end up living in South Jersey.

All right. I am ready.

Okay. Class...

Picking up where we left off,

on March 11, 1942,

MacArthur left the Philippines for Australia,

proclaiming "I shall return."

Wrong!

Never said it.

Excuse me?

Never said it.

Wrong.

Never said it.

I was there.

He didn't say that.

What MacArthur actually said was,

"People of the Philippines,

"wonderful workin' with ya...

and I'll see ya around."

Then he went into the PT boat,

and he left.

He said, "I'll see ya around."

That's what he said. I was there.

It's possible,

it's just possible that Mr. Buchman's recollection

is a little hazy.

Actually, MacArthur... According to history...

Said, "I shall return."

And according to this picture

of me, Buchman, and MacArthur...

I happened to be his driver.

I was sitting in the front.

He was sitting in the back.

And I know 'cause I was there.

He was very superstitious about the driving.

"No left turns.

No left turns."

I always had to make right turns,

right turns.

There was a chicken teriyaki place two minutes away

if you could make a left turn.

No, no. He wanted chicken teriyaki,

I had to go all around Australia.

That's how superstitious he was.

I understand, but...

I gave him his corncob pipe.

I said, "You gotta look different."

I was the guy who crushed his hat.

Unfortunately, his head was in it once.

We had a little problem.

But I gave him that look.

I made MacArthur famous.

Mr. Buchman, you know who loves MacArthur stories?

Our principal loves MacArthur stories.

Why don't you go tell him that?

He's trying to get me down to the principal's office.

Down to the principal now.

Students of American History,

wonderful workin' with ya.

I'll see ya around.

Fine. The principal. Get going.

Hidi-hi.

Hi.

Is Jamie home?

Um... no.

Well, good.

Hello.

This is Mrs. Buchman.

Oh. No, no.

We can come to the principal's office.

We'll be right there. Bye-bye.

Paul? Let them out.

Let them be free.

Paul.

What happened?

You were dreaming.

I was?

Oh. Yes, I was.

What were you dreaming about? Let who be free?

Hm? What's that?

Let who be free?

The hostages.

What hostages?

What hostages?

The hostages.

Somewhere in the world,

there gotta be hostages, right?

So I think they should be free,

and I was dreaming about them.

Oh.

'Cause I'm concerned for others,

and I wondered, you know,

do I do enough for people?

And the world... I mean, all over the world,

I wonder if I do enough for them.

Honey, we should go.

I gotta sit for a minute.

Principal Hocksacker is on his way.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, may I ask your name?

It's Rosie.

Rosie. Mm-hm.

And may I say, Rosie,

that nothing takes the sting

out of coming to the principal's office

like your beautiful smile

and your very, very fetching a-line frock...

50 poly, 50 cotton, tough on stains.

Right?

Heh. Yes.

My former profession.

I used to feel frocks.

Oh, well, you're quite the charmer, Philip.

I'll bet the kids in this school

must be knocking your door down for a date.

Well, if I went out with them,

it would be a felony.

Oh.

Yeah. Young. You're right.

They're too young. Right.

He's on his way.

Bye, Rosie.

Bye, Philip.

So minty!

Oh!

Mr. and Mrs. Buchman,

this behavior is simply unacceptable.

We're very sorry.

Well, "sorry" doesn't cut it at Jacob Javits High.

When we find a problem student,

we nip them in the bud.

Now, if you get thrown out of one more class,

if you fail one more test,

you are out of this school.

You can do that? Yes.

I'm the principal. I have tremendous power.

Then how do you explain that?

What? Got you.

Mr. and Mrs. Buchman, I'm going to give you one minute

to give him a piece of your mind.

Yeah.

Uncle Phil.

What did you do?

What did you do?

I can't do it.

It's not me.

I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm a 2-time high school dropout.

It's no good. Don't give up. You can't quit.

Don't you wanna go out for the track team?

Yes, I do.

Don't you wanna get that diploma? I do.

Don't you wanna go to the prom?

More than anything.

So?

Let's hit the books.

Yes. Okay.

What's on your mind, Jeremy?

Well, here's the thing.

I recently had a dream

that I was kissing my sister-in-law,

and I was begging her to show me her new breasts.

You see, she recently had breast implants,

and, uh, let me just say,

the procedure was a huge success.

So what's the problem?

The problem is...

Do I tell my wife, you know,

that every time I see Lisa... Alna...

Who?

Lisaalna.

That's my sister-in-law's name... Lisaalna.

Do I tell my wife that whereas before,

I used to think that she was just infuriating

and annoying,

now I realize she's just eccentric and stacked.

So that's my question, I guess.

Do I tell my wife that?

Whoa! What are you, nuts?

You take this to your grave.

And every time you wanna look at Lisaalna's breasts,

you look at her feet instead.

Look at her feet? Yeah. Just look at her feet.

Okay, but that...

Heh. Pinhead wants to tell his wife.

We'll be back in 60 seconds.

How's Uncle Phil's studying going?

He's got a French test tomorrow,

and he's worried about it.

There's Lisa.

Oh, they're here already?

Who?

What's that? Who's "they"?

Uh, Lisa and her friends.

Isn't she bringing her friends over?

No.

My mistake.

Hidi-hi. Hi.

Oh, boy. Hidi-ho.

Hey, are those new clogs?

They're great.

No. I've had these forever.

Oh, never noticed.

Jiminy. Those take some getting used to.

Yeah, but people sure like 'em.

Just now in the cab ride over,

I sat in front with the driver,

he didn't even charge me for the ride.

Is that right?

Yeah. It was great.

And today at lunch, waiter gave me a free steak.

Wow. Those guys, they're just such saps.

Can I have your VCR?

Whatever you want. Sure.

Uncle Phil,

you got nothing to fear but fear itself.

That's enough to fear.

It's just a French test. I know.

And you've been studying very, very hard.

I also took the precaution

of writing all the answers on my person.

What... What are you talking about?

My entire body is covered in French.

That hasn't happened since I dated Madam Curie.

I want you to know that.

Wait a minute.

You wrote the answers on your body?

Absolutely. Here.

Regular verbs.

And here you got the irregulars.

Where'd you put the subjunctive?

You don't wanna know.

Are you telling me

Philip Buchman is going to cheat?

Mais, oui.

Uncle Phil.

Look, this is not right.

I know you wanna pass the test

and you wanna graduate

and you wanna go to the prom and everything...

What's Paul's trying to say is we didn't raise a cheater.

Come here. Exactly.

You're erasing all my days... Lun... di, Jeudi, Mercredi.

There goes the week.

Give me your leg.

Seriously? Uh-huh.

Give her the leg.

Be very careful.

You're close to the dangling participle there.

All right.

There's the bell. Listen, you relax.

You're gonna do just fine.

You're very smart. You'll do great.

French, here I come.

Au revoir. Tout a l'heure.

Sayonara.

French, French.

French, French.

That was German.

French, French. French!

French bread.

French fries.

French toast.

French kiss.

Ooh, that's a good one.

Ooh. It's all coming back. Yes.

To play... Jouer.

To eat... Manger.

To speak... Parler.

Vraiment.Okay. Ah.

Uncle Phil! A 98 in French...

That's like 135 in American.

That's good, but this is even better.

I made it. I'm at the prom. You got it.

If I die tomorrow, I'd be happy.

Oh, no. I got something to do tomorrow.

If I die Tuesday...

Oh, Philip!

Rosie.

There's Rosie. Now listen,

I know you're chaperoning me tonight,

but don't hang around too close.

No, no. If you get too near,

I'll give you a sign like...

It means spread out. You got it.

But if in the middle of the,

you hear...,

that means I'm having a heart attack.

Rush to my assistance. We'll come over.

You got it.

Hi.

Mr. and Mrs. Buchman.

Philip.

Would you care to dance?

Ohh... Yes. Here we go.

And may I say, you look

quite fetching tonight. Thank you.

That's... That's a killer dress.

Thanks. It's Lisaalna's.

Oh, Philip,

you're very light on your feet.

Philip?

Philip, wake up.

What? What? Who?

Rosie, what are you doing here?

Well, you fell asleep.

Of course. Listen to that music.

It'd put anybody to sleep.

Wait right here.

Come on, fellas. This is a prom.

You wait all year for this.

Let's jazz it up.

Let's do it a little jolly.

How about in the key of G for "gorgeous"?

I'd like to dedicate this song...

to Rosie.

Here we go.

♪ Rosie ♪

♪ You are my posy ♪

♪ You are ♪

♪ My heart's bouquet ♪

♪ Come out ♪

♪ Here in the moonlight ♪

♪ There's something Sweet, love ♪

♪ I wanna say ♪

♪ Your honey boy ♪

♪ Am waiting ♪

♪ Your ruby lips to greet ♪

♪ Don't be so aggravatin' ♪

♪ My blushin' Rosie ♪

♪ My posy sweet ♪

♪ There's a little Bunch of sweetness ♪

♪ That I long To call my bride ♪

♪ And believe me I'm not happy ♪

♪ Unless my baby's By my side ♪

♪ Her baptismal name Is Rosie ♪

♪ But she puts The rose to shame ♪

♪ And most every night You'll hear me ♪

♪ Call her name ♪

♪ Professor ♪

♪ I wanna sing About my baby ♪

♪ Rosie ♪

♪ You are my posy ♪

♪ You are ♪

♪ My heart's bouquet ♪

♪ Come out ♪

♪ Here in the moonlight ♪

♪ There's something Sweet, love ♪

♪ I wanna sing About my baby ♪

♪ Your honey ♪

♪ Your boy Am a-waitin' ♪

♪ Your ruby ♪

♪ Your lips to greet ♪

♪ Don't be So aggravatin' ♪

♪ My blushin' Rosie ♪

♪ My posy sweet ♪♪♪

But, Dr. Cathy, are you telling me

that I have to spend the rest of my life in this torment?

You'll get over it. No, I won't get over it.

You'll get over it.

We'll be back in 60 seconds.

Hey.

Hi.

Well, thanks a lot for the VCR.

First, it ate my copy of Turner and Hooch, right?

So I go to the video store and I explain to them.

They don't care.

So I rent another copy of Turner and Hooch,

take it home... this time your beautiful machine

does not eat it, right?

But then I've eaten too many peanut M&M's,

and the part where Hooch dies...

I get freaked out and I throw up.

I've over it.

In front.