Original subtitles

Again?

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take Each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump Into the final frontier ♪

♪ Mad about you, baby ♪

Oh, you perfectly little round pancake.

Ahh!

Just a second!

Can a man not eat a pancake in peace?

Okay!

What's the use of even trying?

Thank you very much for your patience.

That's awfully nice of you.

What? What? What you?

What's the matter, you depressed?

No, I'm not depressed.

Well, you're wearing a robe.

So?

Depressed people wear robes.

So do people who just wanna eat their pancakes.

Pancakes?

Get away from the pancakes!

I'm very much looking forward to the first bi...

That's good!

Yeah, I'm sure.

No, no, no! Taste!

No! It's ruined now.

Why?

You got the first bite.

Pancakes are all about the first bite.

Taste, huh?

Huh?

It's all right.

Paulie, cheer up. How about this?

I will buy you an IHOP.

And what is this?

Sim-Tech Corporation. You don't remember?

You don't recognize this name?

Sim-Tech? Yeah.

Sim-Tech?

Wasn't that the tailor in Fiddler on the Roof?

Your virtual reality investment, you remember?

You're kidding me.

No. You have been paid back, pal, and then some.

Oh, I would say so.

Hey! This is... Nice goin'!

This is beautiful.

Isn't it?

This is going right into the bank.

Well, that's good.

That's prudent.

That's wise.

Mm-hmm.

How would you like to make 10 times that

in the next five years?

You know, if I had the time, I would, but I don't.

All right, forget about it.

It's not like I was not spot on right the first time, correct?

But never mind. You keep your money.

When this other thing turns huge,

I will be retired for the rest of my life,

and you, my friend, will be in your robe

trying to explain to Mabel why she cannot go to camp.

Fine.

Hey.

Hi.

Ooh, pancakes! Who made those?

The pancake fairy.

That guy from the food channel?

I made pancakes.

Oh, man. What?

What is with you people? What?

He thinks we're depressed 'cause we wear robes.

Are we depressed?

No!

We're not thrilled, but we're not depressed.

So, Ira, how's Melissa?

Aw, man, she is so good.

Melissa? I know not of Melissa.

New girlfriend.

Really cute, really smart,

really fun, really likes me.

Yeah? So what's the catch? None.

There's always a catch. Listen, every woman on the earth,

no matter how great, there's always a catch.

What was my catch?

You had none.

So, James, what do you think of this?

"Sim-Tech Corporation."

Our virtual reality investment?

Yes, ma'am.

Mind like a steel trap.

This is ours?

Yes!

Ira, oh, my God, you are a very savvy young man.

Thank you.

Should we take the money and run or roll it over?

"Roll it over." Listen to her.

What do you think?

What is he, Charles Schwab?

One time five years ago, he lucked out.

He doesn't know.

Thank you for your confidence in me.

You've earned it.

This money should go right under our pillow.

What's the pillow paying these days, about 7.5 percent?

Okay, James...

check out the latest.

The Sim-Tech life-predictor.

Uh-huh.

This is a very powerful computer

that predicts the future.

Okay. Right under the pillow, this is going.

No. It's all based on mathematical probability.

You just plug in the pertinent information,

and it shows you your future

within a very small margin of error.

My God, man.

This thing could change the world.

I know. No more famine

'cause we'll see it coming.

No more pestilence, whatever that is.

People will be saved from oppression.

Plus, I will know chicks' phone numbers before I even ask 'em.

I wanna go see this thing.

No, we're not. We have a child.

We have responsibilities.

If we fall into some money, you don't just spend it.

You put it away. That's the whole...

You see this look you're giving me now?

Yeah.

That is your catch.

Okay, guys, I would like you to meet Zack Grundfest,

Hello, Zack.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you both.

Zack is the inventor of the life-predictor.

Oh. Look at you.

When I was your age, I was still playing with a magna-doodle.

Hey, don't talk like that to a minor.

Mr. Buchman, the computer world

the computer world is replete with boy geniuses.

I'm just a face in the crowd.

"Replete" means...

A lot of 'em.

So, Zack, you must be very proud of all this.

Well, it's my life's work.

Zack, just between us, and this goes no farther,

this doesn't really work, does it?

Well, I invite you to judge for yourselves.

All right. What do we do?

First, you have to answer the computer questionnaire,

then let the wall cameras take a set of photos of you,

and then all you gotta do

is ask the computer a question

and wait to see if its prediction will come true.

Have fun, you two.

Yes, enjoy yourselves. See you later.

Thank you.

All right. Here we go.

Height. I'm gonna say 6'4".

Weight: 150.

It's not gonna work if you don't tell it the truth.

I'm telling the truth.

16 inches.

Collar size.

"Fears and affinities."

"Sexual preferences."

Favorite book. Uh...

Great Expectations.

You never even read Great Expectations.

I started it, and I thought it was very well written.

Guess that's it for the photos.

All right. Now what happens?

Ooh. Something's happening.

All hands to the fiesta deck.

Hi. How you doin'?

Wow. She's hot.

Thanks.

Hello, Paul and Jamie Buchman

of number 5 East 12th Street.

Hello.

I'm simulated Jamie,

and this is simulated Paul.

Cheers. How do you do? I'm Paul Bukeman.

I begged you not to lie on the questionnaire.

My darling, you're a vision in gray on gray.

Oh, where's the redo button?

I like this me.

If I wanted to marry Cary Grant,

I would've married Cary Grant.

Yes... Yes... Yes...

I'm just saying... I'm just saying...

Hello.

There we are.

Paul, Jamie,

what would you like to know about your future?

You ask, we answer, everyone goes home happy.

Sweetie, they know the drill.

All right, sir.

Wow.

We don't sound anything like that.

What should we ask them?

Will the Harlem Globetrotters ever lose?

Paul!

Just... anytime you're ready,

just type away.

Simulated Paul!

Wow. This thing's good.

"If we go to lunch at Riff's, what will happen?"

Ooh! Choking man! Choking man!

Where's the poster with the guy that shows you how to do it...

Thanks.

Breadstick.

You're welcome.

We're happy to help.

Well?

Okay, okay. First of all,

I would never be as lame as that

in an emergency situation.

Okay. Then you won't mind going to lunch and finding out.

Fine. I will be terrific.

In seventh grade health class, Mrs. Mendel,

I saved Resuscitation Annie like three times a week.

You're making us late for the future.

Okay.

See, honey? Same booth.

Honey, there's only two booths.

And by the way, your life-predictor's prediction

for this next booth didn't exactly come true.

Just give it time.

My cousin, the most skeptical man on earth.

I think a certain amount of skepticism is called for.

Thank you.

Melissa did the computer profile last week.

I'm still not sure that I believe in it.

Well, thank you, Melissa, for your good common sense.

And may I say, everything Ira said about you is true.

What'd you tell him?

I raved a little bit.

Hey, hey, Chippie,

what do we have here?

Wow.

Uh-oh. He's getting breadsticks.

Paulie, what did I tell you, huh?

This guy actually have to asphyxiate for you to believe?

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah?

You okay?

Yeah.

Sorry.

So, Melissa, what do you do?

I teach at a school for underprivileged children.

It's incredibly rewarding.

Wow. And when you're not working?

I read a lot, I work out religiously,

and I'm a pretty big sports fan.

Oh, unbelievable.

Ask her anything: baseball, football.

All right. Joe Namath's backup on the 1970 Jets would be...

Al Woodall.

Okay. You're right. There's a woman without a catch.

Well, not exactly.

No, no, you are.

No. No, I'm really not.

What do you mean?

Ira, there's something that I've been meaning to tell you.

It's been on my mind,

and I just don't feel right going another second

without telling you.

It's okay. Believe me, whatever you have to tell me,

I'm sure we could work through it.

Ira, I've decided that I'm going to become a man.

I'm gonna have an operation and become a man.

You will be my last relationship as a woman.

Now, see, that's what I would call a catch.

Ooh! Choking man! Choking man!

Where's the poster with the guy that shows you how to do it...

Thanks.

Breadstick.

You're welcome.

We're happy to help.

I was in a lot of trouble there.

You're okay now?

Yes, I'm okay.

My name is Jim Weaver. Hi. Jamie Buchman.

Wait a minute. Jim Weaver the sports agent?

Yes. Wow. It's a great pleasure.

You know who this guy represents?

Evander Holyfield, Shaquille O'Neal, Brett Favre.

Yeah. It's my pleasure.

You know, I never get recognized.

She's a big sports fan.

Allow me a small gesture of gratitude.

We're having a party tonight at the St. Regis

for Mark McGwire.

You are not.

Yeah.

Mark McGwire? Uh-huh.

It's gonna be a lot of fun,

so why don't you come by, okay?

You have a drink, you meet Mark,

you keep me away from the breadsticks.

I think we say yes.

That's very nice of you. Thank you.

So, how do you feel about the life-predictor now?

Take it away, Zack.

Our money is your money.

You are a genius.

Thank you. And may I say

this is money well-spent.

Okay. "What will Melissa be doing 2 months from now?"

Twenty-four, 15!

Opposite.

Blue! Hut, hut, hut!

That's just what you want:

A woman who can read a defense.

You cannot take this personally.

James, you know, you think as you get older,

you can see stuff coming.

Sparky, this party's gonna cheer you up.

You think I should bring Melissa?

No matter how good a time you show her,

you may not be able to change her mind.

I'm as romantic as the next guy,

but once she becomes a quarterback,

the sex is going to change.

Thank you. I know that.

I'm not trying to change her mind.

I just want to give her a good sendoff as a woman.

I feel a responsibility to make sure

that she has a positive last female experience.

Right, 'cause you don't want her talkin' trash

about you in the locker room.

You're a very honorable man.

Thank you...

because, you know, this is new turf for me.

I know.

Tomorrow she and I are going shopping.

We're looking at Adam's apples.

Okay.

"If we all go to the Mark McGwire party,

what will happen?"

Wow.

Gee.

Must've been a very good party.

I find it difficult to believe

that you are gonna end up in bed with Mark McGwire.

You're jealous.

Sweetie, no, I'm not jealous.

I'm just worried about our investment.

Uh-huh.

We have to get you into bed with Mark McGwire

to make sure that the machine works.

Well, I suppose if I must get into bed with big mac...

I think that would be best for both of us.

Just don't do that goofy thing you do when we meet celebrities.

What goofy thing?

I don't know. You get weird.

Remember when we met Monty Hall?

I was fine when we met Monty Hall.

Just don't be goofy.

Okay. How about this?

You get an operation also and become a woman,

and then we can still go out.

Melissa, I love you, but I don't think so.

Okay.

I could maybe wear a little eye shadow, but that's about it.

Hey, Mark, over here.

Tim, the party looks great.

Absolutely.

Hey, I have your itinerary

and your room key.

I got a key at the front desk.

Oh, okay.

Hey, Jim.

Oh, hi, Jamie.

Jamie, Paul Buchman, say hello to Mark McGwire.

Jamie saved my life in the restaurant today.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you.

It is, isn't it? Isn't it really a pleasure?

What do you mean?

Isn't my wife lovely?

Yes, she is.

And you haven't seen half of her. Look what's going on...

Paul!

Listen, it was really nice meeting both of you.

Will you excuse me, please?

Nice goin'.

I was trying to facilitate the little thing there.

Yeah. Monty Hall.

Hey. Hi.

Where's Melissa?

Ladies' room.

Maybe for the last time.

Listen, I'm getting a little worried here.

We might have a problem.

I'm having a heck of a time

getting my wife into bed with Mark McGwire.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, God.

Hey, Mark, Mark McGwire. Ira Buchman. How you doin'?

Fine. How are you? I'm good.

I am the cousin of the guy

who's married to the woman who saved your agent's life.

Good to meet you. You, too.

So, must be something bein' the home run champ, huh?

It's a lot of fun.

You must have chicks, like, throwing themselves at you.

No, not really.

Not that I would know anything about that.

I have, actually,

an increasingly checkered history with women, myself.

My latest, this woman who I'm really nuts about,

turns out she wants to be a man.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, uh...

What I wanted to say was, if I were you,

I would seriously consider

making a play for my cousin's wife.

What's the deal with everyone and that woman?

I don't know. I'm starting to wish I choked to death.

What I'm saying is we would all, all of us,

be very happy if you and she were to wind up in bed together.

Thanks, but I don't think so.

You sure?

It was very nice for Mark to have met you, Ira.

Opportunity's knockin', my friend.

Okay, Ira.

I should've stopped when I was at 57.

How'd it go?

Not so good.

All right. Excuse me.

Where you going?

Just watch closely.

Hi, Mark. Remember me?

You know, I couldn't help noticing...

your forearm is the same thickness as my thigh.

Will you pardon me?

Ooh, that had to hurt, I bet, huh?

Thinks he's so big.

Yeah.

This is bad. This is very, very bad.

I think we just gotta face the facts.

We are gonna lose all that money.

And also, I think it's gonna be a long time

before we're invited to Mark McGwire's house.

This is so depressing.

Can we just go?

Yes. I'm gonna track down Melissa.

I'm gonna drown my sorrows a little first.

You want something?

Yeah, sure.

Two vodka shots, please,

and make 'em hurt.

Two vodka shots.

All right, sweetie, a little toast.

To the unnecessary loss of a small fortune,

and may that never happen again.

Hear, hear.

Aah! Wow!

Hoo! Ooo!

That's good.

Very good.

Got any more of that fire water there, Chester?

Two more vodka shots. I'm sorry.

Can you believe I was so stupid that I actually believed

that this machine could just predict the future?

You're a dummy.

You're a dummy. You're a dummy.

You're the bigger dummy.

I know you are, but what am I?

Hello. This is Tom Brokaw.

In Libya today...

Libya.

No, no, no. Libya.

It's so sexy the way he says it.

Paul, Jamie!

In Libya...

I think you two have had enough, don't you?

Okay.

"In Libya..."

Okay. Here's what I want you to do.

I want you to go upstairs to my room. It's 613.

Okay? And lay down for a little while.

Okay.

Okay.

See ya later.

Yeah, later.

Aah! Sorry!

Hey, didn't Hector say 613?

Hector?

Whatever. You know what?

I'm gonna have a visit to the little...

drunk bad investor's room.

Aah!

You! What are you doing in here?

How'd you get in here?

I hate when this happens.

We're rich!

Okay, so...

bye.

Bye, Paul. Bye-bye.

Thanks for being a good sport about this.

Oh, that's okay.

Every happiness to you both.

Mark, remember, sometimes it's just,

it's gonna be easier to let her have her way.

Gotcha.

And you remember,

they're gonna be throwing you junk all year long,

so just wait for your pitch, okay, buddy?

I'll just wait for my pitch then, you're saying.

Okay, bye-bye, bye-bye. See ya.

See ya.

Bye-bye.

How are those pancakes? Pretty good?

Thought he'd never leave.

Captions: M.P.