Original subtitles

Okay, here's something you didn't wanna know.

Martin Glazer in apartment 5C

wears a size 44 underpants.

Ew.

He leaves them in the washer

for, like, six hours after they're done

like it's a pot roast.

So finally I had to take them out myself.

What they don't have in the laundry room... Tongs.

How did you know whose underwear they were?

Because it said right in the elastic band,

"I belong to Martin Glazer, apartment 5C."

Oh.

I touched another man's unmentionables.

Are you washing your hands?

Like I'm Silkwood, baby.

What are you doing there?

I'm wrapping a certain somebody's

wonderful Valentine's Day present.

That's sweet, but can I just warn you?

Whatever you got me, what I got you,

it's more wonderful.

Pretty wonderful what I got you. Not even in the same league...

We don't have to argue. No reason to argue. Okay.

Why don't we take them out and compare?

I'm ready when you're ready.

You know, it's going straight to me.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day to you.

All right. I'm gonna guess a necktie.

Oh, you think you're so smart.

It's not a necktie? Just open it.

You go first. No. You.

You're right. You know why? 'Cause what I got you

is gonna be too tough an act for a necktie to follow.

You're gonna feel so silly.

What, 'cause it's not a necktie?

Open it. Hey, a necktie.

Yes, it's a necktie,

but it's a Paul Smith necktie.

Oh, that's a beautiful necktie.

It's great, isn't it? He's a genius, Paul Smith.

That's just a gorgeous necktie.

You know, he's English.

I love a nice English necktie.

Aren't the colors great?

Really, really nice colors.

Vibrant, but they're subtle. Yeah. You know what it is?

They're aggressive, but, like, there's a humility there.

Exactly. And it's got that smooth weave,

so it's makes a small little knot.

This is a fantastic necktie.

Oh, do you like it? I love it.

I'm so glad. Second I saw it, "that's what I wanna get him."

And you were absolutely right.

This is gorgeous. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Open up yours.

Okay.

What did you do?

You'll see, and you'll know.

Ooh, picture of a house.

No. No?

A house.

A picture of a house.

No. No?

A house.

Right. A picture of a house. A house.

Right.

No. No?

A house.

A house.

Of which this is a picture.

It's in Westchester. In Irvington, actually.

Open up the envelope. Look what's in the envelope.

Look at that.

We've been in escrow for the last six weeks,

and we close on Tuesday.

Oh, a house. Yes!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Uh... I know.

You have reservations about moving to the suburbs,

which is why I have arranged... I'm not stupid, okay.

I have arranged with the sellers...

Mr. and Mrs. Dichristophoro,

who, by the way, lovely people...

They're gonna let us spend a night in the house

before we buy it just to put your mind at ease.

Won't that be great?

How happy are you with me right now?

No, honey. No, don't sell yourself short,

'cause the necktie is also really nice.

This is the kitchen, the custom kitchen.

We had a lot of good times in this kitchen,

huh, Ramona? Yes, we did.

Look at this, honey. This is all Formica.

You can't get that anymore.

Show them the intercom system.

This is the intercom system.

There are intercoms located throughout the house.

It's in mint condition. Would you like to try it?

Yeah, sure.

Kevin, we got a spill in aisle 7.

You can't get those anymore. Mm.

Tell them about the living room, Frank.

This is the living room

where we do most of our living.

Oh, God.

Remember that, Ramona? Uh-huh.

I took a misstep once in the attic

and fell through into the living room.

Oh, look.

You can still see the line of the replastering.

Frank.

Why don't you tell them about something

besides the hole in the ceiling?

Okay.

Over here is the first thing we purchased

when we moved in... This table and chairs.

You're not gonna believe...

These... they're made from barrels.

Get outta here. No. Really.

Oh, listen, you're gonna love this.

Listen to this.

That is great. Try it.

That's okay. No. Try, try, try, try it.

Boy, that is fantastic.

They don't make these anymore.

Listen, Mr. Dichristophoro...

Sorry.

Mr. Dichristophoro, I can't help noticing

you seem upset at the prospect of selling your home.

Oh, honey, no.

No, honey, no. No.

Well, it's just...

you cut the grass

and you shovel the driveway

and you pooper-scoop the lawn for 29 years

because it's yours,

and then... one day, it isn't anymore.

I know how you feel. I think...

To everything there is a season, okay, Frank?

Turn, turn, turn.

You see, folks,

the time has come for us to move out of this house.

Our children Jennifer, Jessica, Chuckie...

Married, married, dancer...

Are all grown.

What do we need with three bedrooms?

Three bedrooms. And besides,

there's a little piece of heaven waiting for us

in a town called Delray Beach, Florida.

Florida.

Please. Don't start with the Florida-bashing, okay?

Frank is scared of Florida.

He thinks Florida kills people.

I'm just saying, all the time,

you hear about people going there.

But you never hear one word

about them coming back.

Florida is a state in the union.

How could a state in the union

kill people pathologically?

What am I, a scientist?

It's the sunshine state, for crying out loud.

That's not sunshine.

That's the white light you see before you die.

All right, get your things.

The Buchmans are waiting for us

to leave them alone.

"Buchman"? Uh-huh.

That's the name you're gonna put on the mailbox?

Thought we might.

And on the welcome mat, it's gonna say,

"the Buchmans"?

Seems the natural thing to do.

And when people drive by,

someone in the car will say, "who lives there?"

And then someone else will say,

"the Buchmans"?

I don't know exactly what...

My God.

Frank!

Mr. and Mrs. Dichristophoro...

I had a canary for lunch. Forgive me. I, um...

I wanna thank you both. It's so nice of you

to let us have a trial night in the house.

Well, let me tell you something.

You two are good buyers,

and a good buyer is hard to find.

Nice of you to say that.

Thanks a lot.

Frank?

Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Oh, God!

Okay. Guess where I have been.

Where? The laundry room.

I wouldn't have believed it

if I hadn't seen it with my own... They have a room

with nothing but a washer and a dryer

waiting for us to use.

Us and nobody else.

Oh, honey, this is the greatest thing.

There's no quarters. There's no elevators.

There's no Martin Glazer and his big-boy pants.

I was so moved,

I did a load of colors.

They have washing machines in Manhattan, you know.

It's not just the washing machine. Don't you see?

We own land now.

We're landowners.

Like the O'Haras in Gone with the Wind.

It's a third of an acre.

It's the rich red earth of Tara.

Tara, Tara, Tara.

Oh, it's so... Oh, it's brisk in here too.

Wait till you go to the toilet.

It's like peeing on a frozen lake.

Ah, it's good for you.

Good for you.

Look at that. What?

A little spider on the wall. Ah! Spider!

Oh! Cold!

Aw, come here, little guy. Oh, kill it!

Kill it and then set me on fire.

You don't kill a spider. Spiders kill other insects.

So kill all of them. Kill 'em all.

Open a window. Gladly.

Ohh! Colder still!

Okay. Here you go, little guy.

Out into the world. Close the window.

Okay. Bye, Spidey. Excuse me.

No!

Sorry, Spidey.

Mm!

Mm-mm-mm.

Listen to that.

What? Exactly.

It's so quiet.

I never knew there was a world this quiet.

An owl hoots.

A dog barks happily.

Chains are dragged violently across a floor.

What the hell was that? I don't know.

Okay. Is it me,

or is the noise coming from inside the house?

Oy, gevalt! Let's go.

What? Where?

Let's go see what the noise is.

Why? What do you mean, why?

So there's chains being dragged violently across a floor?

What is that our business? You wanna just sit here

and wait for the chains to come after us?

Maybe they won't come after us.

Maybe they'll just go away.

We'll have the element of surprise.

I don't want the element of surprise.

I want the element of hiding under the bed.

You hide under the bed. I'll go see what the noise is.

No. No splitting up. That's what always happens in the movies.

They split up, and two minutes later

I gotta find you with an ax in your head.

Well, I wouldn't wanna put you through that.

We're not splitting up, I'm saying.

So come with me.

Okay.

Really? Yeah.

You're gonna hit an ax murderer with a trout?

They hate that.

I sure wish I had my pants.

Ah!

Intercom, intercom. Intercom, intercom, intercom.

I'll just go back and pick up my ovaries.

What is that now?

I don't know.

It's like a voice.

A voice? Oh, my God.

A voice dragging chains and a moaning voice.

What are you saying, that the house is haunted?

Uh-huh.

What is it saying?

Have some peanut butter and jelly.

Honey, we're looking for a ghost.

I'm not gonna stop and make a sandwich.

That's what the thing is saying, I think.

Have some peanut butter and jelly.

Have some peanut butter and jelly?

Yeah. What do you think it's saying?

Go away, Paul and Jamie.

It's not saying that. Well, I'm calling 911.

What are you gonna do, tell them we're standing

in our underwear with a trout looking for a ghost?

I wish we were safely hidden...

Ohh! Aah!

Not a ghost! Not a ghost!

It's Beethoven. Beethoven, see?

Nice. Nice Beethoven.

I can't believe you did this!

What?

I can't believe you came up here to the North Pole

and bought a house... A house...

Without consulting me. I wanted it to be a surprise.

It's not a birthday party.

You don't throw somebody a surprise house.

It happens to be a very expensive present.

The least you could do is be a little more gracious about it.

I don't wanna be here, Paul.

I wanna be in Manhattan. Where you don't own land.

You own cubic feet 50 stories above the ground

like a normal person.

Where all the ghosts have gone away, where you don't walk...

Shh!

Shh, shh, shh! Wait a minute.

What?

The noise is coming from there.

Careful.

Lead with your fish.

Okay, honey, come here.

Here is your big bad ghost.

You had to do a load of laundry?

It was beckoning to me.

It's the quarters in a pocket from...

What are we gonna do about this?

We shut it off mid cycle,

we take out the quarters.

This. No, no, no. This. All of this.

Well, we can still back out of the deal

if that's really what you want. What are you saying?

This is really your idea of the perfect future?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

What do you say? You have to have the city?

Yes.

Well, this is a chance for one of us

to be a a really big person.

Yes, indeedy.

Oh, let's buy the house.

Seriously?

Yes. Let's buy the house.

Why?

Because it will make you happy,

and when you're happy, I'm happy.

So I'll be happy.

You're really...

you're a big person.

Yes, I am.

You're a bigger person than I am.

If you say so.

I say so.

It bothers me a little

that you're a bigger person than I am,

but you are. I know.

Thank you for letting me buy you this house.

You're welcome. I won't forget it.

I'm not gonna let you forget it.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Oh, I love you. I love you so much.

I love you too.

So guess what. This is our house.

Yes, it is.

This is Tara. It's Tara.

Would you mind then

if I carried you across the threshold?

Of the laundry room?

Would you mind?

Okay.

Would you mind if we just

walked hand-in-hand across the threshold?

I'd like to welcome everyone

to the closing of escrow of number 31 Sharon Drive,

Irvington, New York. Thank you.

And we're very excited to be here.

Now, Mr. and Mrs. Buchman, I have in my hand here

the transfer disclosure statement,

the title search,

and the wood-destroying pests and organisms

inspection report.

All of which require both of your signatures.

Not a problem.

Frank.

There you go, sweetie. Okay, thanks.

Frank!

You good? Yeah.

I have here the check for the down payment

and a second check from the lender Chase Manhattan Bank

for the balance of the purchase price.

There it goes, sweetie. Bye-bye, money.

This is so exciting, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Folks, we'll be right back.

Is everything all right?

Oh, it's fine.

Just give us one sec.

What is it? Are you okay? Uh, yeah.

What, are you nervous about spending the money?

Well, yes, but...

Worried we're getting in over our heads?

Of course, but... You think we should have gone

with the adjustable-rate mortgage?

Probably, but that's not it.

What, then?

I changed my mind.

If it's okay with you, I don't wanna buy the house.

Really? You love this house.

You know, but not really.

It's cold and there are spiders

and I don't think that's real Formica.

You're lying. No, I'm not.

You're lying through your teeth. No, I'm not.

I know you're lying. You're lying.

All right. Listen to me.

If this is not your dream,

then I don't want it to be my dream.

I want us to find another dream,

a beautiful dream that will be... our dream.

You know, your dream and my dream together.

Okay?

You couldn't let me be the bigger person, could you?

What's that?

You couldn't stand that I was able to step up

and be the bigger person... What are you talking about?

Now we can't live in the city, either.

Why not? 'Cause you come in

with a gesture like this, you think I'm gonna act like a jerk?

You'd love that, wouldn't you? Love what?

Then you could be the bigger person...

Okay, you know what? You're unstable.

Pardon me?

You are emotionally and mentally unwell.

And by the way, a little transparent.

What? Why don't you just admit it.

You're upset because I got you a big beautiful house,

oh, don't do it. And you got me a tie.

Oh! You went for the tie!

That is just the lowest of the low.

Well, you know, I'm not a big person.

Clearly. Yeah.

Hello, Mr. Buchman.

Hurry up. We're running out of crap to talk about in here.

We'll be right with you.

Look, why don't we just go deal with them now,

because we're gonna need a good fight

for the ride home anyway. What are we gonna say to them?

There are only 1,500 of these in the world.

Half of them are in communist China.

All right. I have an idea.

Just follow me.

Okay. Sorry about that, everybody.

Very sorry.

We were actually just discussing

where we're gonna put this beautiful barrel table

when we move in.

I'm sorry?

The barrel table.

What? What are you talking about?

It looks great here in the living room,

but I was thinking it might go in the kitchen

or maybe even outside. Is it waterproof, do you know?

Buddy! You're not getting the barrel table.

What do you mean?

This isn't a furniture store.

You're buying the house.

We're taking the barrel table.

Ooh, boy. Uh, Mr. Dichristophoro,

I was just under the impression

that the barrel table came with the house.

Well, that's a dopey impression.

What'd you think, you get the whole kit and caboodle...

The car, the cat, Ramona?

No, of course not.

Look, Mr. Buchman,

if you want the barrel table,

you can have the barrel table. Well, thank you.

Sure. What else do you want? The tchotchkes,

pictures of my nephew? Take my sweater.

I don't want your sweater. Mr. Dichristophoro, please,

I just want the barrel table. Frank, put your sweater on.

It's not my sweater. It's his.

Selling the man the sweater. I don't want the sweater.

I don't want the sweater. What's the matter,

you don't like the sweater?

It's a very nice sweater.

Then take it. Take the sweater.

Frank, give him the sweater.

Ramona. You still have your cardigan.

The barrel table dies with me in Florida.

Oh, really? Well, let me tell you something.

If this doesn't stay, we go.

Mr. Buchman, please sit down.

Please don't tell him what to do.

I've never seen anything like this.

Nor have I. Sit down.

Sit down.

You two sit down. Frank, sit down.

I can't sit down.

Watch me. It's easy.

I know how to sit down. I'm just not sitting down.

Well, if you're not gonna sit down,

I'm not sitting down, either. No. Me, neither.

You know what... What do you think you're doing?

Enough standing and sitting.

The barrel table is not part of the sale.

Now, if you can't accept that, Mr. Buchman,

I will call this deal off right here and now.

Oh, God! Be still, Ramona.

Mr. Dichristophoro, I'm sorry.

It really hurts me to say that I feel betrayed,

and I'm indignant. I cannot agree to that.

I'm with him. Oh, my God!

I'm sorry. This deal is hereby unsolved,

insolved, unresolved, and dissolved.

You're gonna blow this deal over that table?

So let it be written.

So let it be done.