Original subtitles

Ahh!

Any further bids on lot 1214?

Going once...

Ooh, let's bid on that.

Going twice... A chain saw?

All right, don't come crying to me

next time you want to take down a redwood.

Sold! Lot 1214 to the gentleman with the cast.

I told you, I wasn't bidding.

And now we'll start the bidding on lot 1232.

Oh, honey, look at this. What is it?

A honeymoon weekend. What is that?

"Three days and two nights at a lovers paradise

"nestled far from civilization on acres of pristine beauty.

It's the honeymoon you never had."

It doesn't say that. Absolutely it does.

"A delightful getaway, filled with charm

"that will also relieve the crushing guilt you must feel

"at never having taken that special someone on a honeymoon.

Even after seven years. Your wife Jamie will thank you."

Honey, we'll bid. We'll bid on the honeymoon package.

Paul? Jamie? Dr. Lee, hi.

It's so good to see you.

How is Mabel? Great. She's great.

That's so great you took time off to come down to the auction.

Actually, my waiting room is full,

and my patients will all resent me tremendously

for the inconvenience.

But I'm very pleased to be here.

Here you go, Bunny.

Thank you, Boo-Boo.

Diane?

Paul! Hi!

What a surprise.

Well, no. Well, yes. What a... What a surprise.

You. You, and you, you two?

Oh, you silly thing, I'm sure Jamie told you she set us up.

Didn't I? No.

I figured doctor, nurse...

Sure, medical professionals. Sure.

Besides I just...

really wanted you to be in a relationship.

Look! A lawn flamingo with propellers.

Come on. Let's go look.

You know, we were just getting ready... Alrighty.

Bye, Boo-Boo. Come back soon.

Boo-boo. Oh, Boo-Boo. I get it.

Boo-boo 'cause she's a nurse?

No.

So you and Diane, huh?

How's that going?

We spend every night together.

I haven't slept in three weeks,

and I fear my work is suffering.

But for the first time in my life,

I'm completely sexually satisfied.

All right, then.

Until now, sex has been a quixotic experience for me,

filled with murky self-doubt and general self-loathing.

Uh-huh.

But Diane has taken me beyond my previous limits as a man

and as a lover.

Okay.

She's a deeply sexual being.

Fearless and athletic.

With incredible talent and a tacit understanding of my body.

She's not afraid to teach,

and I'm not too proud to learn.

She leaves me hungry for nothing

but hunger itself.

And how are you?

I'm fine.

Bunny is just the greatest.

Yes, Bunny seems great.

And he reminds me so much of Paul.

Ah, you don't say.

Okay, the next item up for bids is lot 1217,

a sterling silver wild boar hairbrush.

That's what I came for. Fifty.

I have 50. Do I hear 55? Fifty-five.

Excellent. What?

I always wanted one of those.

I have 55.

Sixty. A hundred.

I have 100. A hundred and five.

Can I speak to you, sweetie?

I want the silver boar thingy.

Sold!

For $105 to the fetching young nurse.

You set up Dr. Lee and Diane? Yeah.

No, listen, I never would have... I mean, good for you.

I never would have pictured them together.

A little jealous?

No, I'm not jealous.

Look, I understand I can't have Diane,

but for her to be with another guy, that's just...

That... That's not right.

I see.

Do I have any more bids on lot 1218?

That's your honeymoon package. Going once...

Oh, bid, bid. How much is it worth?

I don't know. I'm not sure. Going twice...

Let's take a moment and figure out...

Two thousand dollars! Or just do that.

Wow! Two thou... Going once, twice, sold!

Lot 1218. The Royal Bouncer. The what?

The Royal Bouncer. To the odd woman by the table.

Next item up for bid,

the honeymoon getaway.

Oh, no, no. I'm getting our money back.

I know that all the sick and injured children

want to thank you for your generosity. Hmm?

You're going to love that Royal Bouncer.

It was a mistake, actually.

We thought we were bidding on the honeymoon package.

Oh, how unfortunate. Yeah.

But, you know, I might be able to help.

My uncle is in the travel business.

Honeymoons are his specialty.

Really?

Yes, it's best if you contact him directly.

He cares little for me, his only nephew.

But he'll bend over backwards for total strangers

without hesitation.

Well... Well, there you go.

Very nice of you to help us out.

There you go. We can have everything.

We can have the honeymoon and the Royal Bouncer.

What is a Royal Bouncer?

Well, it's certainly an exciting addition to our living room.

When we get back, we can sell it to a clown college.

Who is it? Lisa!

Coming. Okay, coming.

Okay.

Why does she...? I don't know.

Oh, there you are. Yes.

I bought you something.

Raising the Black Child.

Well, thank you. So listen, there's a few things

we have to go over. Oh, my God! A Royal Bouncer?

Now, wait, wait. Is this new?

An enormous inflatable castle

in the middle of our living room? Yes.

Oh, pretty please with sugar on top. Can I bounce on it?

No. We have to keep it in good condition.

Okay. Now listen...

Murray has to be walked three times a day.

There's no food in the fridge. Sorry.

Any questions? Yes, um,

can I bounce on it if I'm super careful?

Lisa! No, come here.

Pop quiz. Ow.

Tell me the house rules, please.

Okay, no long distance calls. Yes.

No falling asleep with the bathtub running.

Yes. Oh, no showing my butt

to the people across the street after 11.

Okay.

It's very simple. Don't worry. I mean,

I'm a great house-sitter. I know.

Remember when I was, uh, house-sitting at the Kolostiak's

and there was that explosion? Who called 911?

She's kidding.

Here it is...

The honeymoon suite.

Ooh, I recognize it right away.

Oh, my God!

Look, honey... heartburn.

Now I know you two want to be alone,

so I'll just quickly snap your arrival photo.

We don't even need a picture. All right. All right.

And if you can keep your hands off each other

for just one more second, I'll take you through

the highlights of the room. The theme is love.

To my right...

the popular lip couch.

Above the heart-shaped bed, a panoramic mirror.

And remember... objects in mirror

are larger than they appear.

On top of your TV,

your cheese plate of love,

featuring the heart-shaped gouda.

Hotel information on channel one.

You might want to take a gander at it

before you get too involved in, uh...

extracurricular activities.

Or you can save the info for later if you'd rather...

get started.

Oh, all right. All right.

Whichever you prefer. I'm not asking questions.

That's very gentlemanly of you.

Okay, thank you.

Hi. How you doin'?

I'll be honest with you...

I have always wanted to make love on a heart-shaped bed.

You did?

Yes.

Boy.

So how do you...?

Hey, look. The bottom of my heart.

Oop, the feet.

A little short.

Um...

You know what?

Sweetie, I love you, but, uh...

it's been a long drive.

I think I'm just gonna take a little nap

in the left ventricle.

What are you staring at?

Hey, my ass!

Oddly, my ass, also heart-shaped.

Hi! Hi!

Hi.

I heard Bunny planning your trip,

and I insisted we come too.

We got the room across the hall.

Oh. Good. Very nice.

We made this for you

in "sweets for your sweetie" cooking class.

Oh, isn't that sweet...

for the sweetie? Yeah.

I, myself, am hyperglycemic

and tend to black out if I have sugar.

But you, without the debilitating disease, eat up!

Okay. Well, thank you so much,

and thanks for coming by... Oh, our pleasure.

This room is great!

Ahh, you have so many heart-shaped things.

What a wonderful bed.

How do you like the honeymoon so far?

So what country are you in?

Scotland! Cool.

Man, you guys have the best accents.

Throw another shrimp on the barbie, ay, mate?

Hey, do you have a castle?

Yeah? Well, I do.

Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. I'm bouncing in it.

With no adult supervision.

Oh!

Uh-oh.

Hey. Can I ask you something?

You ever get your foot stuck in your castle?

Hello?

What?

We've been married a long time.

Yeah.

So?

So. Ahem.

We're finally on our honeymoon.

Yeah. Ha, ha.

This is our big sexy honeymoon.

Yes, it is.

Are you ready?

Yes, I am.

What?

Darling, didn't... Do you remember?

Did they say, is tomorrow continental breakfast

or full breakfast?

I think they said full.

Oh, oh, okay. Good.

What's the matter?

It's been so long since we've had French toast.

Boy, it really is.

You know, there's no rule says we have to...

I don't need to. No. Yeah, okay.

Oh, boy.

Is that...?

That makes me happy.

Ohh! Ohh!

Paul!

Well, that's...

just great.

Yeah.

Okay, but after, you'll... You'll tell me why?

Yeah.

Hey, Lisa? Over here, by the dungeon.

It's all right. I'm coming. Hey, by the way,

I'm very flattered that you should call me.

Well, yours is the only number I have memorized,

because it spells "jklrtis."

Ah, there we go.

Ow! My hair!

Ooh, my button. I think it's caught.

Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow! Ow! Ow!

Don't move your body anymore, ever. Ow!

You called out Paul's name during relations.

So what?

That makes me unhappy.

Oh, Bunny, Bunny, Bunny, Bunny, Bunny, Bunny, Bunny.

Want to go back in the champagne cup?

No!

The champagne cup holds no appeal for me now.

Oh!

Paul!

I don't like this hotel.

Stand back! I'm ready to help!

Hey, Marvin! Thank goodness you're here.

Don't worry, boss. I'm coming in.

It's okay. It's not like we're dyin' or anything.

Calm down! It'll be a second!

What are you doing? Hey, hey!

Oww!

Marvin, for God's sake, just untangle us.

I can't.

I can't move. I don't do well in enclosed spaces.

Why didn't you think about that before you jumped in here?

I thought I could conquer my fear.

It turns out, no.

Hello? IRA: Maggie, help!

- We're stuck in here. - Is it getting smaller?

Is the mesh tightening?

Will somebody please dignify me

with an answer?

For the love of God,

I can't believe that three grown adults

are trapped in a child's toy.

I mean, these things are so easy to get in and out of...

The foot!

Gimme foot.

Somehow the foot gives me hope.

Please let go of my foot.

This little piggy went to market,

this little piggy went home,

this little piggy had a big beef sandwich!

This little piggy had a psychotic breakdown

in the middle of a bouncy castle!

You call out your own name during sex?

It... It wasn't on purpose.

Do you know how sick that is?

Let's... Let's not use labels.

It's sick! It's profoundly sick!

Why... why can't... Why can't you see it as something positive?

Oh, this ought to be good.

You know, I... I think it demonstrates a...

A very strong self-image. Yes, I would say very strong.

I... you know, at least I know who I am.

Honey, can we please just talk about it in the morning?

Diane! My fragile self-image

has been crushed to the point

of probable lifelong impotence.

But you sleep well.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the gift shop.

Is it wrong that... That I think of myself

as a sexual being?

Is... Is it wrong that I'm capable of arousing myself.

I mean, is it wrong... Is it wrong that...

Someone help me.

Why don't you have a nice honeymoon with yourself?

Where are you going? I don't know. The gift shop.

Oh, Jamie! You see that?

Where was that 10 minutes ago?

Ah. Hi.

Hi. Sorry.

I was on my way to the gift shop,

but I was listening at your door and heard you talking.

Jamie, you are understandably upset.

Thank you. All right.

Don't we think we're making just quite enough of this?

You mean you heard me?

It's okay.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

As I'm sure you are too Paul.

You... You guys heard me?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Jamie, may I sleep with your husband?

I'm sorry? Better you than me, doc.

Where are you going to sleep?

You got a king-size bed? And then some.

Perfect.

Ho there, Chester.

I got your message.

Who are you? Who are you, madame?

Sheila, Sheila. Sheila. Sheila, how you doing?

This is, uh, Paul and Jamie's therapist.

How ya do...? I'm Ira. Hi, Ira.

This is Lisa. Enchante.

Right back at ya.

And this is Marvin. And, uh, Maggie's foot.

And over there is Maggie.

Hello. Hello.

What's with him?

Hey, he's major claustrophobic.

What's he doing in there, then?

Come on out, little fella.

Stay in there. Sheila?

Sheila, could you help us, please?

Huh. Boy, if I only had a nickel for every time I heard that.

Sheila! Sheila!

Just one minute, please.

Am I not entitled to one drop of pleasure in my life?

No! No! No!

Oh! My ankle...

And my wrist. Somebody help me.

Bunch of monkeys.

Comfy?

Mm-hmm.

Calls out his own name in the middle of sex.

What? Nothing.

Seventy-five people yelling "Paul" in one hotel.

What?

I'd like you to admit you have a crush on my husband.

Oh, I have a huge crush on him.

But... A...

I think he's sweet and vulnerable,

yet older and comfortable in his own skin.

He's got a great smile, and really good eyes,

and his teeth... wowee.

But he's your husband.

And as such, he's off-limits.

All I can do is toast your good fortune, live my own life,

ask for your forgiveness, if at an unguarded moment,

I fall down.

Okay.

You're a very lucky woman, Jamie.

Yeah.

So where you from?

You okay there, Dr. Lee?

Yes, it's most comfortable.

The sofa's nasal bone is right in the small of my back,

causing intense pressure on my spinal column.

But this is part of the charm of a novelty item.

Look, I... Dr. Lee, I just want to say

I'm sure Diane and I both deeply regret that...

we called out my name during sex.

My little Boo-Boo has very strong feelings for you, Paul.

Well, be that as it may, let's focus on Diane.

I'm sure it's not any big deal to you.

The guy who's probably always gotten

any woman he ever looked at.

That's true.

But it's a big deal to me.

I can't compete with you, Paul. I'm aware of that.

We both know that all you'd have to do is snap your fingers

and Boo-Boo would be yours.

And so I'm asking you,

as an act of mercy, please!

You're already married to a fantastic woman.

Release Diane.

Release her!

I suppose this once I could. Okay.

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

I'll spend the rest of my life knowing

that I am only with Diane because of your largesse,

and I'll question to the death whether or not her love is true,

but thank you.

You have such awesome hair.

No, you do. No, you.

No, you do. - No, you.

Hi. Hi.

Hi!

Raising the Black Child.

I tell you, whether you have a black kid or not,

this is a killer book.

Hey! Let the nice lady's leg go.

Hey, Maggie, who annoys you more,

Paul or Jamie? Murray, what are you doing?

Hey, hey, what's going on?

I'm melting!

Jamie does!

Sure you didn't want to stay for the whole weekend?

Sweetie, we don't need a fancy hotel for a honeymoon.

All we need is each other and apartment 11D.

You know, there's always Acapulco.