Original subtitles

Sweetie? Hey.

Look who your husband dragged in.

Mark! Jamie, hi! How are ya?

Haven't seen you forever.

Oh, look at you.

Oh, you look so good! So do you!

No! No! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!

Yeah, okay, maybe a little, yeah.

God, we missed you. Oh, me, you too.

Which is why, when I had my first day off in five months,

I chose to spend it with you guys.

Mark came down and watched me film a segment today.

Paul's doing a documentary about people who should be famous,

but they aren't. I heard that.

'Cause, you know, she lives with me,

so she really knows most of what's going on.

Yeah. Yes, yes.

Know who I interviewed today? - Who?

The guy who invented the little piece of plastic

that keeps the top of the pizza box from touching pizza.

How was the segment?

Ah, he didn't have a lot to say, sadly.

Kind of a quiet fellow. Yeah.

And then this light didn't work, which was just maddening.

Yeah, but, oh, I was just so thrilled to be there.

Because, you see, I've been trying to make up for lost time.

Sort of rebuild my circle of friends,

just immerse myself in your lives.

Yeah.

If that's okay with you? Oh, hey!

Please! Immerse yourself away.

Great, great.

How's the immersing going?

It's good, it's good.

Was that the doorbell?

You remember the doorbell. Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

Hey, Splinky, you know the good doctor.

Hey! Ira!

Mark! Oh, Ira, how are you?

How are things? Good.

How's things with the women? Good.

How's the store? Not so good.

What? What?

Well, I've made some unfortunate business decisions.

But, hey, you know, everything is gonna turn around.

I have come up with a fantastic new promotion.

Tomorrow afternoon, at my store,

one of my customers is gonna win

a brand spanking new Cadillac DeVille.

A DeVille? Wow! Wow!

That's the kind of car where you... Where you...

You ride in a car and people say,

"Wow! That... Look at that car!"

I know.

So how do you win? Well, it's easy.

Twelve contestants put their hands on the car,

the last one to take their hands off wins.

Can you afford to give away a car?

Ha, ha. Not even close.

I'm renting the car for the day

and the contestants are all gonna be ringers.

So the whole thing is just a big fraud?

Well, it's grand larceny, actually, but, yeah.

God, I've missed you guys.

This is the worst thing I've ever heard.

Oh, really? 'Cause bankruptcy is the worst thing I ever heard.

What, things are really that bad, huh?

Oh, yeah.

So where are you gonna get the ringers?

Well, I don't know.

It's very hard to find ringers.

I say, it's very hard to find ringers.

Once again, it's very...

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry! Oh, I'm so stupid.

Of course, of course, you need ringers. You can count us in.

Yeah, count us in, 'cause by all means,

we'd like to be felons too.

Paul, Ira is a friend in need.

Are we friends indeed?

It's a felonious crime. I'm a mother.

What... What's the matter?

I can't believe...

You can't believe how ashamed I feel to stoop to this level.

Oh, Ira. Oh, come on, Splink.

Oh, asking you to break the law.

Who would have thought it would come to this?

Oh, Ira, don't cry. Eat your sandwich.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid...

All right, we'll do it, We're in.

Just don't hit yourself with the food.

Come on, Ira. Come on, you and me.

We're gonna pass out these fliers until...

Until... Until we have no more. Okay.

Yeah. Are you with me? Yes.

I can't hear you! Yes, yes.

I can't hear you! Yes, yes.

I can't hear you! Yes! Enough already! Shut up!

Mark has really calmed down, hasn't he?

Oh, yeah.

I can't believe this stupid light didn't work.

You know how expensive these things are to rent?

Did you shake it?

Sweetie, it's a very expensive piece of equipment.

You don't just shake it.

Ohh! Bright, bright, bright light!

Very bright! Shut it off! I did.

No, seriously, no, shut it off.

Honey? Oh, honey, where'd you go?

I'm right here.

Oh. Oh, ask me how I am. How are you?

Blind!

Oh, I've blinded you.

No, no.

What if I've blinded you for life?

No, sweetie, it's just a day or so, the doctor said.

I just... As long as I keep taking those eye drops.

I'm gonna take very good care of you.

I know that you will... Ow!

Look out!

Maybe next time, a little earlier with the warning.

Sorry. Oh, my God!

It's worse than I thought. He's disfigured.

That's Mom, right? Am I right, that's Mom?

And I'm gonna take a wild guess... that's Pop.

I like your hair. It's a disguise.

I don't want any of my old customers to recognize me.

It's very convincing.

Oh, well, thank you.

Look, for the life of me,

I just don't understand how this happened.

Well, like I said, Sylvia,

he was looking into the light when I got it to work.

I just don't understand how this could have happened.

Well, again, he was looking down into the light,

which I didn't realize,

when it turned on and shone into his eyes.

I just don't understand

how a thing like this happens.

You know what? I don't either. Oh.

Hey, I think it's really nice

that you're helping out Ira.

He's a putz.

When I gave him the store,

all I asked was that two years later,

I would not have to be standing here in a wig.

Hey, nice to meet you folks. Glad you could make it out.

Very subtle.

Everything okay?

No, no. Half my ringers didn't show.

There's some big accident on 34th Street.

Ah, nobody signals anymore.

It's okay. I know what to do.

Afternoon, everybody!

Welcome to Buchman's Sporting Goods "Win a Free Car" Contest.

Now the moment you've all been waiting for.

It's time to choose our first contestants.

All right, come on down, Jamie Stemple.

Oh, what a surprise.

Oh, who's that?

Okay, put your hand on that caddy, Mr. Mark Devenow.

Oh, my God! Oh, that's me!

Oh, God! I've never been picked for anything!

I... Ever! I can't believe this!

Oh, my God, thank you! Thank you!

A notch less, huh?

Okay, our next contestant is Mr. Paul Melton.

Excuse me, I think that would be you, sir.

The blind guy!

Paul Melton? Melton? Okay, yes.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize...

Okay, let me help you, sir. Very nice to meet you.

Nice to... Thank you very much, kind lady.

Alrighty, our next contestant is...

Uh, Sylvia Rodham Clinton.

Oh, that's me!

Very good.

And Mr. Burt, uh, Bacharach.

Oh, oh, no relation.

Thank you.

And contestant number six, Mr. Marvin Bluestone.

Hey, thanks, boss.

Boss?

What do you mean, boss?

Uh, I call, uh, everybody boss... boss.

Excuse me, boss.

Don't pee on the floor, boss.

Okay, contestants, approach the car.

Hey!

Hey, you only picked six names.

The flier said there'd be 12 contestants.

Well, the flier was wrong. We're going with six.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.

We're going with 12.

Okay...

There's one in every crowd.

Uh, okay, say hello to Susan Ackerman,

Jason Disbrow,

Ray Thorn,

Jane Santangello,

Maggie Conway.

Ooh! Ooh!

Maggie Conway?

Is... Is she a ringer?

No, no, she's legit.

Okay, and our last contestant is...

Mr. Rory O'Grady.

Yeah! Yeah! Whoa, baby!

Daddy needs a new caddy.

Wait a minute, you are Rory O'Grady?

Yeah, why?

Oh, nothing.

What, I don't look Irish to you, is that it?

I didn't say that.

Why, because I'm not wearing green

and I don't have red hair and freckles.

Sorry, I left my "kiss me, I'm Irish" button at home.

You're on my list, pal.

Okay, super.

All right, we got 12. Hands on the car.

Alrighty.

Listen, folks, those of you watching,

it wouldn't kill you to buy something.

All right, now, we're gonna begin.

Ready?

Ow!

Whoops! Sorry, lady,

you took your hands off the car. You're out.

We're down to 11.

Boy, I really feel like my other senses

are compensating for my lack of sight.

Everything's more acute.

Are you kidding me? You've been blind for an hour and a half.

I'm telling you. Okay, perfect example.

Somebody is behind me, oh, 15 feet behind me, I would say,

eating a burrito con queso.

Oh, my God!

Am I right? Okay, somebody over there,

somebody has Tic Tacs. Oh, come on!

Go ask, go ask.

I think you'll find that it's the man in the...

No, I'm sorry, it's the woman...

Woman. She's wearing tweed.

Excuse me.

Sure. Whoa, hey, okay.

Excuse me, does anybody happen to have a Tic-Tac?

My God!

See, you doubted me.

Oh, okay, time for the drops.

All right, little drops. Ohh.

Okay, glasses off,

eyes open.

I know the drill. Okay.

Okay, glasses off.

Oh, boy, I... I don't enjoy this part of it.

Here we go. All right, all right.

Did you do it yet?

Nope, not yet. All right.

Here it comes.

Okay. Ah, that's my cheek.

That's all right. Sorry.

Okay. Here it comes.

Uh-huh. Uh, nostrils.

I'm sorry.

It's not enough that she nearly blinded him,

now she's gonna drown him. No, she's not.

Let me do it. No, no, Sylvia...

Hey, doctor, two losers right over there!

Oh, for crying out loud.

All right, sir, ma'am, you're out of the contest.

What, you mean you can't even

take your hand off the car even once?

No, those are the rules. In fact, the only rule!

Okay, step away from the car.

Did you do it yet?

Here it comes... Oops!

Tastes like chicken.

Sorry.

Excuse me, ma'am.

You holding up okay?

Because, you know, there's no shame in leaving.

Let me explain something to you.

I may be British, but there's nothing on God's earth

that moves my soul as much as a big American Cadillac.

Really?

Just look at it: power everything, leather interior,

275 horsepower V-8,

zero to 60 in a blink of an eye.

Uhh! Oh, God!

Okay, so you're staying?

Uh-huh.

Hi, guys. Hey.

That would be Marvin.

Yes. How's it going?

My girlfriend wants me to quit my stock boy job,

but I don't know what else I could do.

Well, what are your interests?

Funny cars.

Anything else?

Helping people.

So, like, a funny car ambulance

would be right up your alley?

Forget it. Whoa, Marvin.

I was kidding around. Where'd he go? Marv?

How you doing? Good, good.

Quite a car, isn't she? Sure is.

Hey, would you like to take a look at the inside?

Is... Is that allowed?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Just, you know, make sure you keep your hand on the car.

Don't worry.

Okay.

Do me a favor, huh, shut this door?

Aah!

Oh, my gosh! Your hand!

Put some water on it!

Give him a hand.

Oh, by the way, you two guys, you're out!

Hey, Maggie.

How you holding up?

Ooh, I love this machine.

Ohh.

I'm just gonna give you a minute.

Hey, James.

Oh, don't go, don't go. Stay. Stay.

Because my fantastically acute senses

tell me that there is nobody around us right now.

So I'm gonna hop up here right next to you

and snuggle pretty close.

It's nice up here, isn't it?

It's kinda... Kinda cool.

It's kinda sexy up here, sittin' on a caddy.

In fact, as long as nobody's here,

I'm gonna give you a little of this.

Perhaps even one of these.

Uh, don't say anything. Don't say anything.

What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna leave this hand here on the car,

while this hand, I would place ever so discreetly over here.

What do you think of that?

Lower.

Maggie?

Yes.

Excuse me one second.

How could you confuse Maggie and me?

You know...

You can smell a Tic-Tac in New Jersey,

you don't recognize your own wife?

I... You know, I... I smelled, you know,

a nice, lemony-smelling woman, I thought it was you.

By the way, you also groped her.

Because I thought I was groping you.

Even after the initial grope?

Well, you know, at a certain point,

I started to have my doubts.

Uh-huh, and why was that?

You know, I... I... Truthfully, it did feel a little different.

Different how?

I don't know. You know, she definitely works out.

Gee, you have beautiful hands.

Will you have sex with me?

Whoops! I'm sorry, you're out.

Oh...

by the way, we're open seven days.

Don't forget to tell your friends.

Hey, I am at a loss here.

Well, what'd you like to do when you were a kid?

I used to like to stack things.

Uh-huh. What else?

I used to like to put little pretend price tags on them

and put them up on little pretend shelves.

You know, Marvin,

it's just possible that being a stock boy is your calling.

I know.

Deep in my heart I've always known.

I think I knew when I was 8.

But I... I would pretend to be like the other kids

who wanted to be doctors and lawyers.

I had to live a lie.

Thank you. Wait, wait, no, no, your hand!

Put your hand on the car! Hand on the car!

Marvin! I'm sorry, boss.

Terrific.

Sweetie, I'm... I'm not saying that you don't work out.

I'm simply saying I...

I was surprised that she had, like,

not an ounce of fat on her.

Ohh!

God bless America.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Maggie.

Hello, Hal.

Maggie, please, darling, listen to me,

take your hands off the car.

Oh, I can't.

What's the matter, Hal?

Maggie can't be near Cadillacs, you see.

They have a rather extraordinary effect on her.

Come here, darling.

There's only one thing to be done.

What's that, Hal?

I'll have to channel her urges elsewhere.

Stand back, please.

Maggie, darling,

look here.

That's it.

Oh, God!

Look here.

Yes,

look here.

Ohh!

Harold!

Harold!

Harold!

Good day, everyone.

Sorry about what I said before, huh?

No problem.

Nice try.

Thank you.

Did you think you were gonna trick me off this car

like those other patsies? No.

So how's it going?

Good.

What part of Ireland are you from anyway...

There it is! There it is!

What is it? What is it with you?

What are you with, like, the find the fake Irish guy police?

Let me tell you something, pal.

When I win this car,

I'm gonna be rejoicing with a pint of bitters

and singing the song of my native land.

♪ With a bim-bam tooty And a bim-bam teety ♪

♪ We're goin' for A Sunday drive, me boys ♪

♪ With a bim-bam tooty And a bim-bam teety ♪

♪ We're goin' For a Sunday drive ♪

There's your Irish.

Anything you got to say to me?

Please let go of my hand.

Mark, are you okay?

It's crazy!

What? The contest! It's crazy!

It's cruel!

It's crazy and it's cruel!

Mark, take it easy.

What's the matter?

Every time I stare at my hand,

it just wants to let go!

I can't take the pressure!

What pressure? There's no... You know, the whole thing is fixed.

Even if you win, you don't get anything.

No, no, no, the pressure of letting Ira down.

I can't take the pressure

of the obligations of friendship!

I have to take my hand off the car!

I have to take my hand off the car!

Mark... They shoot horses, don't they?!

Aah!

Aah! Sweet liberty! I have to go!

I have to go!

I'm sorry!

I have to go!

I'll see you in another five months!

I have to go!

And then there were three.

Sweetie?

Honey?

Honeypie, darling?

Hey, buddy,

she's upset with you for groping the English broad.

Thank you.

Sweetie, you want to play "went on a picnic"?

No!

Come on, you love to play "went on a picnic."

Don't want to play. All right, fine, okay.

I'll play by myself.

"Went on a picnic"? What the hell is that?

Went on a picnic and I brought an apple,

an apple and a banana,

an apple, a banana, and a coconut...

You got to be kidding me?

An apple, a banana, and a coconut...

a French toast, a gingerbread man,

a Havarti cheese,

an iced tea, a Jell-O mold,

a kiwi, a lecithin substitute,

a Mallomar, a nectarine,

an orange and a, uh...

a, uh...

m, n, o, p.

A, uh, a...

A pie! Pie.

A pie, for God's sake!

Uh...

Uh, I brought an apple, a banana, a coconut...

Oh.

Oh, time for the eye drops.

Look, you know what? Do your own eye drops.

What? What are you talking about?

I don't feel like taking care of you now.

Oh, oh, great. Sweetie, come on,

is this what it's gonna be like when we're 80?

Come on, I get a little infirm,

I... I have a problem with my eyes...

Uhh! Ooh, sorry.

A little problem and that's what you're gonna do?

Get a little angry so you can deny my medication?

My prescribed medicine, you're not going to give me?

That's surprising. That's a little disappointing...

Ow! Ooh, excuse me.

Give me that thing!

Pardon me.

Sweetie,

let me tell you something.

When you get older, you know,

there's gonna be a lot more of this... Ow!

There's a lot more... When you get older,

there's gonna be plenty of ointments and drops,

and we're gonna have to take care of each other.

So we might as well practice now.

Sweetie? Sweetie, look, I'm... Just... Look, I love you.

Okay, just look me in the face

and just tell me that you love me too.

I love you.

Pardon me one second.

Sweetie? Jamie, come on, say something.

Oh, just give me the drops.

Okay, thank you. That's all.

Okay, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry I smelt incorrectly. Okay.

I'm sorry I wrongly groped. Okay.

I'm sorry I noticed the firmness of...

Careful. All right.

Here it comes.

Ohh! Ooh!

That's it.

Ah, that's the stuff, yeah.

Hey, wait a minute. What?

I'm beginning to see a little bit.

Really? Yeah.

Not great, but a little bit.

Oh, good.

Yeah, I can see... Hey, you're pretty.

Oh, thank you.

Hey.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, hey, hands off the car!

Hands off the car!

I win! Yee-hee-hee-hee!

Sorry. Oops!

What?

I want my car, Ira.

I don't have it, I swear.

Ira, I want my car!

Rory, listen to me,

as God is my witness, I do not have the car.

Think about it, okay?

A car in a New York City apartment.

Use your head!

Paulie, Paulie, just two more weeks max, huh?

What? Damn it, Ira,

I saw the tread marks in the elevator!

Explain that!

There's carbon monoxide in the hallway, Ira!

I smell that new car smell!