Original subtitles

Okay.

Pick a card.

Look at it. Mm-hmm.

Put it back.

Okay.

Is that your card? No.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

It's really not.

Yes, it is!

Yes, it is.

Ta-da!

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into the Final Frontier ♪

This is a Paul Buchman documentary

"People Who Aren't Famous, But Should Be"

rough cut of the guy who invented

the moist towelette segment.

Tell me, how did you first get the idea

for the moist towelette?

Well...

at that time, all towels were dry.

And you often found yourself moistening them

in order to perform various tasks.

Cleaning your glasses,

or wiping a baby's bottom, for example.

So, I thought

that if the towels were alreadymoist,

you don't have to go to the sink.

How did you arrive at the name "moist towelette"?

Because I'm fascinated by that.

You are?

Yeah.

You're a nice boy.

Well, the moist portion

is self-explanatory.

And as far as the towelette part,

it was stronger than a tissue.

And although it had certain towel-like qualities,

it wasn't a towel. It was...

smaller than a towel,

it was thinner than a towel,

it was lighter than a towel.

It was a... "Towelette."

towelette.

What do you think?

Wow, I...

W-What did your agent say?

Oh, he hasn't even seen it.

You're the first one I'm showing it to.

I'm gonna send him this one,

the guy who invented curly fries,

and also the woman who first wrote up area codes.

Right, right. Yeah.

So I'm gonna send them. What do you think?

I think it's a great idea for a documentary.

What do you mean, it's a great "idea?"

No, it is. "People Who Aren't Famous,

But Should Be." It's intriguing.

You hear the premise, and you think,

Why isn't the guy who invented

the moist towelette famous?

And then you see the film, and you...

you find out why.

I didn't love the film, Paul.

I don't understand what you're saying to me.

I think it's kind of dull.

Dull! Dull.

Dull? Dull!

The moist towelette guy was... Dull!

Curly fries? Oh, my god, dull.

Area code woman?

Wanted to fall on a sharp stick.

Really? Oh, you're upset.

No, no, not at all.

I liked your little shirt, that was nice!

Yeah, good.

Hello, Buchman's!

Hey, Mr. Wicker. Nice to see you.

Actually, a couple things need fixing.

Yeah, this squeak in the door.

It's been squeaking...

What happened to the squeak?

Fixed it this morning.

Well, thank you. You're welcome.

And also that little thing in the kitchen.

The stove. Over the stove.

The thing that sucks the smoke out.

What is that called? The vent?

The vent, yes, is not venting.

I fixed it this morning.

Well, you've had a busy morning, haven't you?

Heh, thank you.

Reason I'm here is I was gonna

ask you guys a favor. Sure. Shoot.

Anything within our very limited power.

I'm going out of town I was wondering

while I'm gone if you can take care of my roof garden.

You have a garden on the roof?

Yeah. My pride and joy. So what do you think?

Could you take care of it for me?

Well, Mr. Wicker, ordinarily we'd love to...

We have so much going on.

The baby, and he's working on...

Okay. I understand.

Just that you guys are my favorite tenants.

I always think about you guys

as my friends. Family, really.

Well...

That's nice to know. Really nice.

Very sweet of you to say.

Shouldn't form an attachment with tenants

but with you guys, gosh darn it...

Mr. Wicker... couldn't help myself.

We're also very fond of you.

Ordinarily, we'd love to...

Oh. What's the matter?

Boy, is that quiet.

Why don't we take care of the roof garden?

Hmm. What do you think?

Is that ripe, or is it "dull"?

Would you stop.

Sure, that's the one I meant to take.

It's not like this is the first time

I didn't like one of your movies.

As a matter of fact, yes, it is.

It is? Yeah,

you've liked everything.

I have? Yeah, you liked Buchman.

I liked Buchman. You liked Weed.

I liked Weed.

You liked Life of a Button.

I love Life of a Button.

Okay, so when you tell me that my film is dull,

I just gotta say that smarts. It really does.

What am I supposed to do, lie to you?

No, you're supposed to like the film.

But what if I don't?

Then, yes, lie.

Paul Buchman, how are you?

Stan, how are you? Nice to see you.

My wife Jamie. Hello.

Stan Freitus. Nice to meet you.

And little Mabel.

Oh, isn't that a cutie?

And this is Gunther.

Oh, boy. How old is he?

Six months.

Huh. My gosh.

Boy, how much does he weigh?

Gunther comes in at a healthy 185.

He's going to Notre Dame in the fall.

He's a big guy.

Yes. It's from my wife's side of the family.

They're huge people. Freaks.

Dutch, Dutch. Huge Dutch freaks.

Well, he's awfully cute.

It's like carrying Mickey Rooney around.

Look at this toy,

this is quite a toy. Isn't it?

Squeeze it. What?

Squeeze it.

My belly is jolly.

Hello, there.

My belly is jolly.

Where do you get these? You can't.

It's from Holland. It's called a Fleuvenheuven.

Floovenhooven?

Heuven. Hooven.

Heuven. Fleuven...

Here. Give me your face.

Heuven.

Hooven. Almost.

My belly is jolly.

Oh, I love that.

Oh, so does Gunther.

Paul, give the child his toy back.

Oh, I will.

My belly is jolly.

Honey. Huh? Okay, okay.

Stan, you're name sounds so familiar to me.

Yeah, honey, Stan directed

that documentary Dog town.

Oh, my god. Stan, that was a brilliant film.

Oh, thank you. No, really.

I saw it, like, three times.

It was so fresh and original.

Oh, you're very kind.

You should be very flattered

'cause she's a tough critic.

Here we go. Yeah, oh, boy.

She doesn't like something? Boom!

She'll let you know. She's not shy.

One sentence. Boom! That's it.

You just die. Lights are out.

The whole world is over.

You wanna stop living, you wanna start dying.

You know? She tells you what she thinks

and the life gets sucked out of you

till you're just soulless and sucked out

and dead, dead, dead.

Okay, I gotta go. It was nice to bump into you.

Nice to see you, Stan. Bye-bye.

See ya, little Gunther.

Nine, eight, seven, six...

Okay, so hisfilm you liked.

There we go. Oh, that's good.

You know what?

Maybe there's been a mistake.

Maybe you should be married to Stan.

Paul! Well, why not?

He's not happy with the Dutch broad.

Please don't do this.

It's part of loving. Love somebody, love their work.

Well, I disagree. Well, I don't.

You don't disagree with yourself? What a shock.

I don't. I think when you stop loving the work,

I think that means maybe you love the person a little less.

That is ridiculous!

I think it means we've reached a higher level

of intimacy and closeness.

My belly is jolly.

My belly is jolly.

I think our child has lifted the Fleuvenheuven.

Oh, my... Let me see if I can get Stan.

No. Wait, sweetie. Look how cute they are.

She loves it. Okay.

My belly is jolly. W-wait, why can't she keep it?

Why? Because it belongs to somebody else.

I know, but she's happy,

And he's not gonna remember where he lost it.

I think you're missing the point here.

I get the point, Mr. Goody Two Shoes.

So what are we gonna do now?

We're just gonna make off with the Flavenhocker?

Just act natural.

My belly is jolly.

Mr. Wicker?

Mr. Wicker!

Oh, yeah, Buchman.

Who's coming out next, Shoeless Joe?

How do you like my garden?

Garden? It's more like a small farm you got going.

I like working the land, Buchman. Oh, yeah.

It's a hell of an avocation.

Gives me something to do,

something that's serene and satisfying

when I feel the world is getting the better of me.

Sure, sure.

You have an avocation? A what?

Hobby. A hobby?

No, I don't. I don't have the time.

You know, I...

I like cereal a lot, but I just...

I don't do anything with it.

You may like farming. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. May like the feel

of raw earth under your fingertips.

The smell of fresh manure under your shoes.

Ah, now you're talking.

That's something I can really get behind.

Listen, I should tell you,

I don't know how to do that.

I'm sort of agriculturally challenged.

Me and farming, is like it's...

It's like oil and...

Can't even make a joke. You see what I'm saying?

Come on. You're gonna love farming.

Look, we got corn.

Okay. Tomatoes...

Lettuce, cucumbers.

If you just grow bacon bits,

you got a whole cobb salad right there.

Let me show you this. What you got?

Look at this.

This is...

Sweet white corn. Look at that.

Beautiful. Oh, yeah.

Taste it.

What do you mean? It's raw.

So?

Mr. Wicker, it's still got the hair on it.

Taste.

Boy that's some good corn, there, neighbor!

Okay. Let's talk about your chores.

All right-y.

Now, this...

This is the garden's most important tool.

I need you every morning to come up here

and water these plants enough till you soak these roots.

Be careful 'cause if you overwater,

you run the risk of caving in the ceiling

in the Bornstein's living room.

Bet a lot of farmer's don't have that problem.

Heh-heh. Hand me the trowel.

You got it.

What is a trowel?

Little shovel.

Little shovel, little shovel. Here you go.

Look. This...

This is crabgrass. Okay.

Crabgrass is the enemy.

Crabgrass will get in your brain and keep you up at night.

Crabgrass will make you wish you never been born.

Ooh.

Crabgrass bad.

Right. Yes.

Watch.

So we dig up the crabgrass by the roots,

and we never shed a tear.

Good-bye, crabgrass.

Try it. Yeah?

All right.

Just...

Uh-huh.

It's thyme.

Okay. I didn't realize you were in a rush, but...

It's thyme. The spice thyme.

That's thyme? Right.

I thought I came in those little glass jars.

Pretty cool.

Okay, so that's crabgrass right there I got.

Ah. Excellent work.

Okay. This is not so bad.

Oy!

It's actually kind of fun.

I told you. Yeah.

♪ There's a bright golden Haze on the meadow ♪

♪ There's a bright golden Haze on the meadow ♪

♪ The corn is as high As an elephant's eye ♪

♪ And it looks like It's climbin' ♪

♪ Clear up to the sky ♪

♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪

♪ Oh, what a beautiful day ♪

♪ I've got a beautiful feeling ♪

♪ Everything's going my way ♪

Furthermore...

♪ Oh... ♪

A 60 percent chance of rain

for the New York metropolitan area.

Good, good, rain is good.

My beans and basil thank you.

With high winds tomorrow evening.

Winds? No, no, no, no!

Winds? Beans and basil don't like wind.

Hey, you damn wind, behave yourself!

Hey, got your wind right here,

okay, you nitwit?

Put some pants on!

Hi, honey.

Hi!

Everything okay?

It's gonna blow on my beans.

My goodness.

Did you call your agent back?

Oh, I will. Hi.

He said he still hadn't gotten the film.

I know. I-I'm gonna call him.

Your agent calls five times, you don't call him back?

Honey, I got bigger problems now.

Like what?

Like aphids.

Excuse me?

I got aphids.

They're eating my spuds.

I'm on the verge of a major potato famine up there.

Plus, I'm not sure, I think I got a gopher.

Oh, dear. Paul...

Come here, come here.

You have to taste this.

This is unbelievable.

This is a beefsteak tomato.

This is the largest of the North American

tomato varietals.

It actually has an actual name.

It's, um... Phylum tomatus, uh...

What the hell is it?

It's a good tomato, though.

Oh, my god.

What do you think? Oh, my god!

Delicious or is it "dull"?

Delicious. You grew this?

Yep. Well, I...

I watered it yesterday, and I picked it today.

But I was the one who decided it was ready for eating,

And it did grow for a whole day under my supervision,

so in essence, yes, I grew that.

Mmm.

Well, way to go.

Oh, it's gonna be a good harvest this year.

Hello!

Paul? Stan Freitus.

Hi, Stan.

Listen, a crazy thing.

It seems Gunther

has lost his Fleuvenheuven.

Uh-oh, Gunther lost his Flavenhoizen?

Yeah, and he's really upset about it.

Down, Gunther!

Well, you know, it's a heck of a toy.

I know, and the last time

I remember seeing it is when we

ran into each other at the market... oww!

Gunther! Ow!

That hurts daddy, no!

Anyway, it couldn't have accidentally

fallen into your stroller, could it?

Accidentally fallen into ourstroller?

Huh. You mean... which would...

free us of any wrongdoing whatsoever?

What do you mean?

Oh, my god!

Stan, are you okay?

I'm fine. Just tell me you have the Fleuvenheuven.

Uhh, let me take a look, Stan.

Maybe I do.

You know what? Yes, we do.

There's the Flavingreeber.

Oh, thank god. I'll be over in four minutes.

What does that mean?

You'll find out.

Sweetie... One sentence.

"Sorry, Stan, we don't have the toy."

We could have the Fleuvenberg free and clear.

You're talking about lying and thieving.

I'm talking about a toy your daughter loves.

So she loves that toy, but she'll love something else.

Look. Little teddy bear. Make a switch-a-roo.

She'll never know the difference.

Look what daddy's got.

Hello, hello, hello.

You take the teddy bear,

I'll take the Flavenscroller. There you go.

Okay.

See? In like flint.

We're getting the damn Fluffenutter.

My belly is jolly.

Happy Gunther with the Fleuvenheuven!

Sure!

Coming!

Who is it?

It's Paul and Jamie Buchman, Stan!

Oh, hi.

Hi, Stan.

Sorry to bother you so late.

We thought you might like some fresh produce.

Produce? Take it.

Can we come in?

We need to talk to you about that toy.

What about it?

We'd like to buy it from you.

You can name your price.

I'm sorry. It's not for sale.

Oh, everything's for sale, Stan.

Please, guys.

It's for our daughter. How much?

Jamie... How much?

Jamie!

Would you come in? Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, hallo, Wilma.

It's my wife.

Sure.

Don't start!

Just hang on, all right?!

I have to take it inside.

Excuse me.

Crazy Dutch freak!

Wow. Stan got an Emmy?

And a Golden Globe.

Look, and he won a big square thing.

My belly is jolly.

What are you doing?

Help me. We're taking this thing.

What? Come on, will you?

The guy's gonna run outta Dutch. My gosh, he's big.

We are not taking a toy out of a child's crib.

Uh-oh. What?

Gunther's sitting on it.

Gunther get up.

Gunther, get up.

Big boy.

Got a pot roast on you?

Maybe we can lure him to the other side of the crib.

Do you know the difference?

It was one thing when Mabel took it by accident.

Here we go, big guy.

This is wrong.

Dear god, he's like sea lion!

Put the child down.

I haven't actually picked him up yet.

What, you gonna take the toy and run away?

Yes. You'll pick up Gunther,

I'll grab the Flackenbush, and we'll get out of here.

This is not... Look what you've become.

You're mugging an infant.

You're annoying, Wilma!

Listen to me.

Our daughter is home crying her little eyes out.

Besides which, I would like to sleep again before I die.

It's Gunther or us. Yeah, but...

Gunther or us. Yeah...

Gunther or us!

Sorry, pal. Thank you.

You see all his film awards he's got?

Shh, lift. Okay.

Careful. He's very heavy.

Sweetie, he's a baby. I think I can pick up...

Oh, my...

See?

Got an ass like a goat.

Okay.

Got it.

My belly is jolly.

Sorry, Gunther.

Sorry, Gunther.

We'll get you something.

We gotta get him something.

And when you're ready, we have an excellent therapist.

My belly is jolly.

No!

Not this farm!

Paul?

Get back, it's too dangerous!

What are you doing?

Must save farm.

What? Must save farm!

Will you please speak in complete sentences?

I'm trying to save the farm!

Why are you doing this?

Honey, if you wanna be a farmer,

page one of the manual: save the farm!

But you're not a farmer. You make movies.

Yeah, "dull" movies.

But I grow a hell of a tomato.

I'm gonna stick with that.

One dull movie. The next one

will be brilliant.

How do you know?

Because you're a wonderful filmmaker.

Hey!

You have a gift. You have vision.

You're insightful. You're sensitive.

You're you. It's your calling.

Why didn't you say that in the first place?

'Cause I'm stupid.

That's all I'm saying!

Where is it?

Uh, hi, Stan.

I want that Fleuvenheuven.

We have no idea what you're talking about.

What do you think,

I just fell off the turnip truck?

You like turnips? 'Cause we have...

A couple of nut jobs come into my house

and steal a toy from my child?

We have no Fleuvenheuven!

No, we don't!

What kind of people are you?

We would never do that!

What kind of world has this become?

We would never take a child's...

I want the Fleuvenheuven!

And if I don't get it, I swear to god,

I'll come up here when you're sleeping,

and I'll throw all your tomatoes onto 11th Street!

Sorry.

Sorry.

You oughta be.

My belly is jolly.

As god is my witness,

I will never give up the Fleuvenheuven again!

It's cold as a mother up here!

The idea for the perforations came

because we didn't want to put the towelette

In an individual envelope like the wash 'n dry,

which is, of course,

The grandfather of all non-dry cleaning products.

We felt if you would tear the towelette off,

leaving a nice, attractive little piece

of the next one showing,

It would be very inviting.

That did it. She's asleep.

So it shouldn't be a total loss, huh?

Closed Captioning: Leanne Royo