Original subtitles

"Now to the bath we go.

"The faucet soon will flow.

"Moose gets tubbed, and goose gets scrubbed.

They'll glow from head to toe."

"A-brushing we will go. A-brushing we will go.

"Will the polars brush their molars?

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

"No!

I'm the boss, and I say floss!"

Sweetie? Hmm?

You know, Mabel's been in bed for an hour and a half.

I know.

So... what are you doing?

Okay, fine.

"Put the llamas in pajamas.

Find the fox a pair."

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take Each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump Into the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, Baby ♪

This is so cool.

We're finally stepping into the computer age.

Yeah. How are you doing with the key there?

Pretty good. Okay.

Right arm, totally numb.

Found 'em. There ya go.

Okay... all right.

Okay. Ooh! Oh!

Bad sound! Bad sound!

Possible Pentium chip damage.

Oh. Sorry.

Excuse me. Could I... Sorry.

May I help you?

Oh, that's very neighborly of you.

No. I just want to leave.

It's heavier than it looks.

It's perfectly all right.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you.

Actually, I was an oarsman at university.

What? A horseman? No, no.

An oarsman. You know, in a skiff.

Yes! Okay.

Just right there is fine.

Thank you so much, Hal. Not at all.

Ow!

Oh! Are you okay?

Yes. That's why I was saying...

Ah!

Where does it hurt?

Oddly enough, just where I'm grabbing.

Okay, okay.

Bit of a back spasm.

Oh, a spasm in the back.

Can we get you anything?

No, thank you... Ahh! Ooh!

Oh! Oh! That was a nasty one.

You know, what you need is a nice, hot...

Ice. Yes, a nice, hot ice.

Ice the first 24 hours, heat thereafter.

Have Maggie put together... No. You need heat. Have Maggie...

Ice reduces the inflammation...

Heat. Helps the circulation. Have Maggie...

Nothing like a passionate debate

between medical scholars.

However, Maggie is away.

Oh, well, is there anything we can do?

Yes. Don't obstruct the doorway.

Ice!

It's not ice. It's heat!

Let's settle this once and for all,

the whole heat-ice thing. Look it up on the Internet.

We should find out once and... Once and for all.

I'll have an answer for you in about a week.

Hey.

Hey. Whatcha doin'?

I am surfing the Internet, baby. Oh, yeah?

And it is fantastic.

I've been doing it all day.

I was in a chat room about Party of Five.

I played backgammon with a family in Iceland.

And then I watched a student

at Fairleigh Dickinson University sleep.

Wow. Well, good for you.

And I... I helped our little friend Hal, by the way.

Really? How'd you do that?

I sent a little e-mail to the hospital

and just inquired about the availability

of that... That nurse that we liked so much.

That nurse that we liked so much.

Hi!

Hello.

You... You remember Diane?

Yes. It's so nice to see you in my own home.

It's so nice to be here.

You look great!

Good for you. Stickin' with the blonde thing.

Thank you.

All the coffee mugs were dirty,

so I took the liberty of cleaning one.

I hope that's okay. That's okay.

Yeah. So...

you know, she did such a terrific job

with that very touch-and-go tonsillectomy of mine,

so I thought she'd be perfect for the Hal situation.

Sure. You know Hal's apartment's across the hall.

He's sleeping. I thought I'd take a little break and whatnot.

Yeah. I hate to put a crimp in your whatnot,

but I, uh, I don't think Hal's asleep.

He's not? No. When I went by his door,

I heard a noise. Well, what kind of noise?

Like a wheezing. A wheezing?

I think a wheezing.

Could've been a choking. You're the expert.

Maybe I'd better check on him.

Maybe I think you should.

♪ Bye, Paul ♪

Bye, Diane. Bye, Diane.

What... What are you doing?

Nothing. Just looking something up.

I can do that on the computer, if you want.

They have the yellow pages built right in.

I'm fine. This thing, it's really magic.

The only thing is I gotta come up with a user name,

and there already is a P. Buchman.

Hmm. Small world.

I was thinking maybe do something with all our names,

like Mabel, Jamie, and Paul, so like ma-ja-pa or something,

or ja-ma-pa or pa-ja-ma...

Pa-ja... Pajama! How smart am I, huh?

What do you see there? Huh?

What, natural healing? Down.

Numerology? Down.

Nut manufacturing... Wholesales?

Up. Nurses?

Yes. Yes, okay, all right, all right.

You're thinking I should've called one of them

instead of calling Diane. Yes.

Yes, I suppose I could have called "Phyllis Yohee."

Uh-huh. I bet Ms. Yohee would have done a great job.

Who gets a nurse out of the yellow pages?

Apparently, some people. Well, we know Diane!

Why can't you just admit

that you find Diane attractive?

Oh, I find her very attractive.

Okay... Okay, but I mean,

so attractive that if we weren't married, you would date her.

In a second I would date her. Sure.

Even faster.

Okay...

But that's if we weren't married.

But since I am married, then that would be just wrong indeed.

But... But... But... But...

Honey, honey, I felt badly that our neighbor hurt himself,

you know, trying to help me, so I wanted to get somebody

that I know could do the job, instead of some Yohee.

You are missing the point!

I'm sorry. Okay, what is the point?

I don't know. Gimme a minute. All right.

The point...

The point...

Oh, cut it out!

You knew that I would be uncomfortable with Diane around.

I didn't... Truly, the...

The thought did cross my mind.

Yes, and yet you called her anyway.

You thought it was more important

that Hal was comfortable than that I was comfortable.

Hah! Yes! That's the point!

No! That... No!

I was doing so well there!

You put the concerns of a neighbor...

A neighbor you loathe... Ahead of those of your bride.

You put Hal ahead of me! How could you?

I don't... I don't think... Oh, go date your nurse!

Where are you going?

Do you realize what this represents, Paul?

I really don't... Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

How the romance has crumbled.

There's no crumbling. I don't see crumbling.

If this happened when we were first married,

you would not have called her. I don't think that's true.

I don't want to talk to you.

Don't do the walk to the kitchen.

Don't do hands on the hips in the living room.

I'm not... Oh. I... I was... He could have sued us!

You know what? You're flailing now.

I'm trying to defuse the situation...

Grasping at straws. Don't... Don't keep narrating

my part of this conversation, 'cause you're wrong.

You're wrong as wrong can be.

What? I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

What, you're banging a pot, now?

So I can't hear you!

Oh, that's new, that's mature.

I'm sorry. What? I think I heard something.

You get more mature as the years go on.

Every year... Hi.

When I signed the lease on my apartment,

I was told this building featured

a minimum of saucepan whacking.

We're sorry if our fighting woke you.

I tell her not to yell, but does she listen?

You were yelling! You were banging.

Because you were yelling. Because you were banging!

Okay, that's pretty much been our evening so far.

If you wouldn't mind...

No. I'm sorry. Thank you.

And thank you as well for Diane.

She's absolutely lovely and pert.

She is pert, isn't she?

Okay. Must you?

Must I? Must you!

Must you? Must you?

I... Frankly, I must. Yes.

Excuse me. Far be it for me to meddle...

But your heart goes out to me.

May I recommend something we British are fond of

when it comes to domestic squabbles?

Sure. Go ahead.

Instead of fighting,

we identify the problem, think it through carefully,

and then bury it.

Well, I'm not so sure that repressing our...

Oh, no, no. I'm not talking about repressing them.

I'm talking about literally

digging a hole in the ground and burying them.

Whenever you have a problem, you dig a hole?

Sort of like the Gambino family, really.

It's perfectly simple.

We write our problem on a piece of paper

and then bury it in the park.

The year Maggie's mother lived with us,

I wasn't so much a man as a gopher.

Well, thank you.

Thank you for the suggestion.

Oh, anything I can do to help,

but, of course, the most important thing is

that you bloody well put a sock in it.

Sorry. Won't happen again.

Never heard such a stupid idea in my life.

I think we should do it. Of course you do.

Maybe, after seven years of marriage,

not every single problem has to be painstakingly solved

with deep consideration for each other's feelings.

Maybe every once in a while,

we can just chuck one in the ground.

To dig a hole. That's like, what... What...

We can vent. It'll be cathartic. No holds barred.

You know, he and Maggie both drink a little

in the afternoon. You know that?

I think we should do it. I think we should do it right now.

We're in for the evening. Want to start venting now?

Would you rather stay home and fight?

No, frankly, I would rather... I'll get some paper!

How about right here?

Too desolate.

All right.

Something like this?

Too pastoral.

Why don't we bury the argument on a hill?

That way, it has a lovely view.

Look. This is the place.

Oh, that's, no question about it, the place.

Would you like to have another fight?

'Cause I can start right now. No, no. This is perfect.

This is just... just perfect.

Let us dig.

You brought a teaspoon?

Yep.

That's the best digging implement you could find?

Yep.

Couldn't find, like, a serving spoon or a ladle?

You ever see Escape From Alcatraz?

Uh-huh. They didn't use a ladle.

Ooh. Look at this. December 1975.

Oh, honey, we can visit the set of Towering Inferno

if we test-drive an AMC Pacer.

It's a shame what happened with that car, really.

Are you gonna help me dig, or what's gonna happen?

It was all square and cute, that car.

It's so dirty.

Well, it... It is dirt, you know.

Mm-hmm. Well, these gloves are ruined.

Well, I just want to say this wasn't my idea.

Just keep diggin'. I'm diggin'.

Okay. I think that's deep enough.

All right. You know what? I'm gonna be happy to say

that this is gonna be soon all behind us,

or beneath us, actually.

Yep. Me too.

You wrote all that?

Got it all out of my system.

I got it out of my system too. I...

guess I just had a smaller system.

What the heck did you write in there?

I guess you'll never know, will you?

I guess I won't. All right.

Goodbye, and... here goes.

All right. There it is.

Yep. Ancient history. Yep.

Dead and buried.

Dead and buried. Water under the bridge.

Uh-huh. Chewed gum.

Chewed gum? Yeah, 'cause, you know,

when you chew gum too long, it loses its flavor,

so you don't want it anymore. I like when it's been chewed.

At the beginning, it's too sweet.

I don't want to dig another hole.

Let's say yes, okay? Pass the story with chewed gum.

All right. Can we get out of here, please?

Wanna go get a cheese quesadilla?

Of course.

Hi.

Hello. How are you?

Good. How was your day?

Good. Well, good. May I offer you

a postventing-and- catharting kiss?

So I'm guessing you're happy we buried the fight.

I'm feeling free and clean like a crisp autumn day.

Really?

Yes. Even the roses smell a little bit rosier.

They're silk, honey. And yet delightful.

Mm-hmm. Boy, I feel good. But you...

Oh, I'm tellin' you, I am as fresh as a baby's bottom.

I am shiny like a Cadillac car.

I'm... You know, I'm like a newly shorn sheep,

the wind just gliding off my...

My now-naked little sheep body.

Okay, what did you write?

Nothin', really.

Come on. Just tell me.

I can't. Hey, dead and buried.

You obviously want to tell me.

Otherwise, you wouldn't be gloating.

You were the one who buried the loose-leaf there.

I know. You were the one who wrote

the Encyclopedia Discontentia. I know.

So if anybody would be curious about who wrote what,

I think it would be me. Okay.

But yet I'm not curious. I'm simply at peace.

Well, good. Me too.

Well, good. Good.

Well, all right. It worked out for everybody, then.

Hey, Diane! Hi.

Everything okay?

Well, everything was going fine with Hal,

but... some people aren't so happy.

Gone three days, and return to find some little tart

rubbing the small of your back.

She is not a tart, Margaret.

She's a woman of medicine.

She is a tart.

She is a tart of medicine.

She is a medical tart.

She cured my spasm.

Oh, shut up.

He's been going on about the little tart all afternoon.

Oh, shut up! Do you know how many nurses

there are in New York City? Like, nine million.

Wear a tighter uniform, by the way.

Comes in here masquerading as a health care professional

with the sole purpose of oozing all over our husbands.

I am not oozing!

You are oozing.

Oh, look at them!

PAUL & HAL: What? They can't help themselves.

They're overcome, overcome by oozing.

I think Murray needs a walk. Come on.

Honey, I took Murray for a walk.

I think he needs another one,

because the oozing I can't watch anymore.

Just stop saying "oozing." Oozing.

I could do with some air as well.

Good luck, the three of you. Come on.

Yes. I'm sure you'll all be very happy together.

Why are they so threatened by me?

Oh... It's silly, isn't it?

They're crazy. Don't worry about them.

You know what I would really like right now is some cocoa.

Oh, right away. Oh, we have some of the best...

No, no. I insist. You make the best...

Well, if you insist. Okay, okay. Why don't I...

Why don't you go ahead? I have something to do,

so you make the cocoa. Oh, goody.

Who is so petite?

Who smiles that much? Who? Who?

Oh, I can't wait until gravity gets ahold of that little bottom

and drags it straight to the center of the earth.

We should do this more often.

I'd like that. Oh, my.

What?

Look where we are.

All right, now, I know it's around here somewhere.

Paulie, I don't understand.

You "buried an argument"? Who does that?

Apparently us and English people.

Hey, you know what? What?

Maybe you and I ought to try it. You know, bring a higher level

of intimacy to our relationship.

Are you uncomfortable with the level of intimacy

of our relationship?

Sometimes I yearn for somethin' more.

I had no idea.

It's not a burning concern. It's just that I...

I do consider you my closet friend,

and I would like to bury something with you.

Okay.

But not if you're gonna dig it up.

I won't dig it up. You're diggin' hers up.

That's different. Why?

A, stop hockin' me about digging up an argument

that we haven't even had, and two,

I happen to be very worried about what she said.

Really? How come?

Just because there was just the sheer volume of it.

There was, like, reams of stuff she said.

She... She must've just torn me a new one.

She really must've.

Good boy. Keep digging. Dig, dig, dig.

Good boy. Dig, Murray. Dig it up, Murray. Good boy.

Dig right here. Right here. Dig. Good boy.

Ah. There it is.

There. Ah.

All right.

Newly shorn sheep.

Bite me.

"Dear Jamie, all I know is that I love you...

"and only you.

"And if I've done anything to hurt you, I'm dreadfully sorry.

I couldn't be wronger."

"Please forgive me, my darling.

Love, Paul."

Those are his grievances?

Yeah.

You're quite sure he understood the exercise?

He understood it.

Does it make you want to rewrite your grievances?

No. Why would it?

Well, in case he comes along and digs them up.

He wouldn't do that.

He might. Hal did.

Paul wouldn't.

No. You're right.

He's quite simple, isn't he?

Do me a favor, Paulie. Next time you bury somethin',

draw a map. Okay?

It's... It's right around here. I'm almost sure.

Really? Yeah.

You have no idea, do you?

Not even sure it's the same park.

Yes, but these... These trees... are new.

These trees weren't here yesterday.

Uh-huh. It... It was dark last night.

Look, it's dark again now.

Yeah. It's called nighttime.

Thank you very much.

Why do you make it sound like such a phenomenon?

Here we are! This is it. Okay, start diggin'.

Really? Yes.

Wait a minute. What if we find Hoffa or something?

You're not gonna find Hoffa. But what if we do?

Then we throw him back,

and we don't say nothin' to nobody.

Hey! Hey! Oh. That's somethin'.

Is it Hoffa? No, it's not Hoffa.

That's the grievances.

Oh.

Oh, man. Paulie, what did you do to her?

I didn't do nothin'. She's just a world-class venter.

Wait a minute. Are you sure you want to do this?

I have to. I have to.

Because not knowing will just make me insane.

Okay? I'll be 100 years old,

still diggin' holes around the park.

All right. Okay.

Brace yourself.

"Dear Paul, I know I'm supposed to be unleashing my wrath

"in these lines, but as I sit down now to write them,

I find myself unable to summon my earlier anger..."

"Unable to say anything bad.

"Maybe it's just that writing things down

"lends them a permanence that momentary anger doesn't deserve.

"Or maybe it's just that I love you

"more than the moon and the stars and the earth

"in which these notions are to be buried.

"My sweetheart, I've already forgotten

"whatever it is I'm supposed to be angry about,

and all I know is, I am ever yours."

Should I leave?

It goes on like that, just one after the other.

"Wonderful man..."

"Inventive lover..."

"Look really nice in cufflinks."

It's just so sweet.

I feel kinda silly now. Yeah?

Feel a little guilty now. I got you.

I feel like it would be wrong to read any more.

I understand.

You look for cops.

I'll read as much as I can. Paulie!

Okay. All right. All right.

Okay, back in the ground it goes.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey. What?

My envelope has been opened.

How does she live with herself?

Hello.

Hey. Where'd you go?

Went for a walk. Just went for a little walk.

Us too. Murray went again.

Oh, good. Yeah.

What you doin' there, surfin' the net?

Uh-huh. I like "pajama," by the way.

See? I told you how clever I am.

Oh, oh. Wait a second.

Somebody's sending you an e-mail.

Ooh, a e-mail?

Who's nurseforyou.com?

You know what it is? That's, uh, that's Phyllis Yohee.

Uh-huh.

I told you they used a spoon.