Original subtitles

Oh, just help me.

And when the harvest was completed,

the Pilgrims realized they had survived.

They had made it

in the Massachusetts Bay colony.

And you know, if you can make it there,

you can make it anywhere.

And so they gave thanks

with a sumptuous meal of Indian corn and turkey.

Then they all went into the living room,

unbuttoned their pants, and passed out watching football.

So even today, we give thanks. Yes. We give thanks.

And our friends and family come over to our house.

Oh, boy. Everybody has such a great time.

It's a wonderful day. Hm.

Okay. Listen. It's the worst day of the year.

It doesn't work. Something goes wrong.

What is it? Why do we always have

such a crappy Thanksgiving?

I don't know, sweetie. I think we're just

fundamentally inhospitable people.

No, we're not. This turkey is so heavy

it's unbelievable. Feel this.

I don't wanna feel the turkey.

Seriously, it's like carrying Joe Pesci's head.

A pound per guest, says Julia Child.

No. That's just crazy cookbook talk.

Hi. Hello. Hi, hi.

Hi, Dr. Lee.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Oh, no problem.

The HMOs provide most of my patient flow now,

and they take such a large percentage

that the only way I can make ends meet

is to schedule three and sometimes four appointments

for the exact same time.

It's a grave inconvenience to my patients,

and it fills me with shame.

But I'm happy in my work.

Well, that's great. Good.

Hello, Mabel.

My goodness. She is beautiful.

Thank you. Do you have kids?

No. I'm not married, actually.

Pediatricians are far less eligible bachelors

than they were before managed care.

I'd like to have kids.

I surely thought by now I would have them,

but I don't.

Still, I... I'm glad I chose medicine.

Now, what seems to be the trouble with the young lady?

Well, she's been sneezing a lot.

Really? Yeah.

Although, oddly, since we're here,

not one sneeze.

Oop. Oh, my turkey.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving?

You betcha. Yeah.

Me too.

Yeah? Going home to see family?

No. My parents and I don't speak.

I come from a long line of artists and musicians.

And when I told them I was going into the natural sciences,

they broke with me.

But you know,

if I had to do it all over again,

I wouldn't change anything.

Hm. Uh-huh. That's good.

Allergy. Really?

I can't be sure to what,

but I'm certain it's an allergy.

Do you have any pets?

No.

We have a dog.

Long-haired, by any chance?

No. Yes.

Okay. Bring her within close proximity to the dog

and see if she sneezes.

Then, take her some distance from the dog

and see if she stops sneezing.

Wait, wait.

Dr. Lee, you don't really think that Mabel

could be allergic to our dog, do you?

Yes, I do.

This is why I'm proposing this exercise.

Okay. Okay.

Now, try to do this test as soon as you can

and call me tomorrow.

Oka... Oh. Tomorrow's the holiday.

I know. I'll be in my office all day.

You're kidding.

No. Each year on Thanksgiving,

I pick up a turkey sandwich.

Then I come here to catch up on my paperwork.

But I wear a Pilgrim's hat, which I enjoy.

Okay. Good. Okay.

But you have a lovely day.

Enjoy being with family and friends.

Never forget how lucky you are.

We won't. Okay. Um, Dr. Lee,

this is gonna sound like a wacky offer...

I mean, we just met you.

But would you like to join us for Thanksgiving?

Oh, I couldn't.

Oh, sure you can. We live only a few blocks from here.

Really?

You can meet some great people.

Really? Oh, it'll be fun.

Really? We insist.

Really?

Yeah. Yes.

Okay! I'll do it.

Great. Great.

So we'll stop on the way home,

pick up a bigger turkey.

But only if it's heavier.

I am so grateful. Thank you so very much.

Oh, listen, our pleasure.

We'll see you at 3:00, and your nurse has our address.

Okay. Great. Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

I am very touched. Thank you very, very much.

Oh, okay.

This is so kind of you. Oh, not at all.

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

We're getting a good sense, though.

We sure are.

All right, thanks.

This has been a terrific visit.

All right. Okay. Thanks.

I am proud to be your daughter's pediatrician.

Okay, then.

Oh, my God.

We've gone from Joe Pesci's head

to the whole guy. Heh, heh.

Sweetie, you gonna let Daddy hold you

so Mommy can fix the turkey?

Okay. All right, sweetie. Okay.

Eh. She just really likes it better

being held by you, doesn't she?

You know, a little bit.

That's all right. I can go to my turkey.

Oh, honey, look.

Oh, Murray, Murray.

Okay. How could anybody be allergic to him?

We don't know it's him she's allergic to.

I mean, look, she hasn't sneezed yet.

Okay. One time.

Okay. Let's try it. Bring her closer.

Now go over there.

Okay. Bring her back.

Go over there.

Bring her back.

It's the sink. It's the sink.

She's allergic to the sink. Honey.

Oh, sweetie, do you know what it means

if Mabel is allergic to Murray?

We're gonna have to...

choose between our daughter and our dog.

I understand.

It would just break my heart

if we had to give Murray away.

I mean, before there was even you,

there was Murray.

When I was sad and lonely,

there was Murray.

And for a long, dark period of my life,

when women would offer me no intimacies,

there was Murray.

That came out wrong, but you know what I'm saying.

I do.

Murray was man's best friend,

and how have I thanked him?

I've gone and reproduced and created a being

who is actually allergic to him.

Well, maybe there's a solution.

Maybe there's a pill or a powder or something.

Yeah. A powder. You don't know.

Here's what we'll do. Okay. I got it.

We put Mabel... She stays in one room.

How much room does she need, really?

She's going to college in a couple of years.

Okay, okay. Here's another idea.

Could Murray maybe... Could Murray...

Maybe... Could Murray live in your closet?

Oh, dear. Okay. In my closet?

How do you feel about Fresno?

Okay. There's you, me, Dr. Lee, Ira, Burt,

Sylvia, Lisa, and Debbie.

Oh, look. Murray in Ocean City.

Remember how he loved those steamers?

Mm-hm, I do.

I'm glad we invited Dr. Lee, aren't you?

Oh, Murray's birthday party.

What can we do to make Thanksgiving

an actual fun day for everybody?

I don't know. Hm? A door prize.

How about a door prize?

We put a coin in the stuffing,

and whoever gets it wins a... uh, musket.

A what?

A musket... A Pilgrim gun.

No, sweetie, you're a grown woman.

You don't need to be putting a quarter in a turkey.

What do we do? What's next, party games?

Yes! Yes. You're a genius. Perfect.

You know how you get with party games.

I don't get. You do.

Something happens to you.

It's win, win, win, win.

You're like a very-good-smelling Vince Lombardi.

What, are you afraid I'm gonna beat you

in front of all of our friends?

Let's not do this. Why don't you just say it?

Why don't you just say, "You're right,

I'm going to lose badly in front of everybody,

and I don't wanna do that."

Don't do this, honey. Don't goad.

Why don't you just be honest about your fears?

You see? You're goading me. Don't goad.

I'm not goading. I just think

it's ironic we're having turkey,

because I'm sitting across the table

from a big chicken. Mm.

Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

You pick any game... You pick a game,

and I will beat you at that game.

Don't count on it. Well, we'll see.

Okay...

Good harvest. Good harvest to thee.

Good harvest to thee. Good harvest, Ursula.

Oh. And, uh, may ye endureth winter's oncoming wrath.

And the same to thee.

So, what, is Riff's doing

a whole Thanksgiving-theme thing

where all the staff dresses up?

No.

Oh.

Have you decided?

Uh, yes, we ye... We ye...

We'll have two tuna melts.

Yes. And two green salads, please.

As you wish.

Ursula? Is everything okay?

I dread the morrow.

Oh, Ursula.

But why? Pray tell.

Well, I had hoped to earn sufficient ducat

to visit acquaintances in their homeland,

Battle Creek, Michigan,

but, alas,

the natives here tip like the dirt on which I stand.

What? What?

I couldn't afford the freaking plane ticket.

Oh, that's terrible. Sorry to hear that.

Ursula, would you like to spend Thanksgiving at our house?

How much will you pay me?

What?

See, if I could earn enough money

spending Thanksgiving at your house,

then maybe I could go to Michigan for Thanksgiving.

No. No, no. Because Thanksgiving will have already passed.

Right. You would've spent Thanksgiving at our house.

Right. Which is not-not-not in Michigan.

If you say so.

Hello.

There's a powder.

See? I told you. Is it messy?

Not really.

But it works great.

Mabel has not sneezed once.

So we can keep Murray.

That's right.

Great. Also, Ira called.

He wanted to know if he could bring Marvin tomorrow.

I said, sure. Good. Yes. Good.

Means we have to get a bigger turkey.

Already done, my friend.

But they didn't have any bigger turkeys,

so I got us a walrus.

Okay. So, listen. In terms of the party games,

I'm throwing out all the kissing games,

'cause it's the wrong crowd, right?

Oh, I'd say so, yes.

Spin the Bottle, Post Office,

Seven Minutes in Heaven... Throwing them out.

I think that's best, yes.

Then there's Charades, but does anybody...

I'm happy to beat you at Charades.

You could not beat me at Charades.

Sweetie, why do we do this?

Okay. Fine. It's Charades.

Know what? In fact, it's Running Charades.

What's that?

It's Charades, but with running.

All right. I'll beat you at that.

Okay. Fine.

You know what? You're meat.

I'm sorry? You are meat.

You are Running Charades dead meat.

Oh, well, that's nice.

See you at home, meat.

- Oops. Bye-bye. - You'll get...

Boy, that sounds fun... Running Charades.

It's a great game.

I used to be a terrific Charades player.

Really?

Two words. First word... Two syllables, sounds like.

Yes, sir, I was fast.

I bet you were.

Been a while since I've played, however.

Yeah, well, you know, we're all so busy.

It'd be fun to shake off the cobwebs.

Oh, God. Forgive me. Henry,

would you like to come tomorrow?

Oh, no. Hey, that's very nice, but...

Are you sure, because... Okay. Yes. Great.

Thanks.

Hey.

See you...

Time. Watch. Today. Tomorrow.

I'll see you tomorrow!

You coming, sweetie?

Yeah. Honey, this time...

The entire cast of Goodfellas.

Hello. Good afternoon.

And happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, yes. Well, as you know,

it's every Englishman's favorite holiday.

Second only to July 4th.

You know, you should think of Thanksgiving

more as a triumph of the human spirit

than as a political holiday.

Oh, thank you so much. You've changed my life.

I'm serious.

Thanksgiving isn't about soon-to-be Americans

escaping British oppression.

It's about people carving out a life for themselves

against all odds.

Sweetie... Heavy turkey here.

In fact, why don't you join us tomorrow?

Really? Really?

Really? Absolutely.

Come across the pond, as they say, about 3:00.

We have some fun things planned.

I think we might change your mind about Thanksgiving.

Well, I suppose it might be interesting.

Great. We'll see you then. All right.

Thank you.

Honey. Bigger turkey.

And I'm getting screwed on the payments

on my X-ray equipment.

I won't own it outright for another 47 years.

Until then, the bank owns my soul.

But I'm optimistic.

You sure he needs this much powder?

I may be overpowdering.

Well, what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?

Okay. About 20 minutes till turkey.

What's say we play Running Charades?

Okay with me. Great. Yeah.

Okay. My team goes in the bedroom.

Paul's team goes in the kitchen.

We're in the kitchen. We got it.

Got your titles ready, Burt?

Oh-ho-ho. Look out.

Okay. What'd you got?

Good luck, meat.

We'll see who's meat and who's not...

so much meat. Uh-huh.

Okay. The first title is "Puff the Magic Dragon."

All right. That's good, you know, 'cause it's...

It's a song.

Four words.

One word.

First word.

First word.

One syllable. Oh.

Uh, smoke?

Ring.

Cigarette. Um...

"One Toke Over the Line."

Puff. Okay, puff.

Three fingers. "The Three Fingers of Eve!"

Third word.

- Second word. - Two syllables.

- Looking... - Sleeve.

Lint. WOMAN 2: Disappear.

Magic.

Magic. Puff. Magic. Puff.

"The Magic Puffball!"

"Puff the Magic Dragon!"

Yes! Good one!

"Puff the Magic Dragon"

Hey, you know... Yes. It's amazing.

What's the next one? What's the next one?

E.T. Yeah.

Swan Lake.

Where the Wild Things Are.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

A, B, C, D, E.

E. E.T.!

Got it! Yes!

E.T.

Already? E.T.

Oh, oh, very good.

Number three. It's a book.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

Elephant Man.

The Miracle Worker.

Oh, Charades!

Bless you.

Are You There, Peter? I Lost my Wallet.

Are You There, George? 'Cause You Look Like Isabel?

Hello. Hey, Joe, Do You Want to Give It a Go?

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

Excellent.

The next one is, uh...

"The Piña Colada Song."

Also known as "If You Like Piña Coladas."

I'll accept either answer.

"I Will Saw a Woman in Half Now."

"Where Has Gone My Sleeve?

"I Have an Egg Behind My Ear."

No. "Billy Jack!"

Drinking. WOMAN: Some kind of drink.

A tropical drink.

Daiquiri. Mai tai. Piña colada.

Piña Colada... "If You Like Piña Coladas."

Also known as "The Piña Colada Song."

Yes!

"The Piña Colada Song."

You're kidding me. "The Piña Colada Song."

I mean, you should do this professionally.

Are we ahead?

Oh, I can't tell you that.

It's very unethical. Okay.

But I'll say this, you can walk now.

Yes! Okay. What's the last clue?

The Thieving Magpie.

Okay. What?

It's an opera by Rossini.

What, are you kidding me?

Fog.

Clouds.

Fog.

Puff? "Puff the Magic Dragon."

Yeah! Yay!

He lived by the sea!

Pie.

The Big Pie.

The Pie Who Came In From the Cold!

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner With Pie.

Pointing... the Pointer Sisters! E.T.!

Ah...

Achoo! Bless you.

The Pie Guy.

The Man Who Stole Pie.

A Pie In Your Face, You Big Idiot!

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

Ooh! The Boy Who Cried Pie.

The Grieving Pie.

Piper Laurie!

Pouring. Drink.

Cocktail Time.

It's a Quarter to 3,

and There's Nobody In the Place

But You and Me.

Shake It Up, Baby, Now.

Button, button.

Blend. Drink. Drink.

It's a coconut. "Piña Colada Song."

Yeah! Yay! All right!

Hiya, Pop. Hi.

"Pina Colada Song." Acceptable.

What's the last name?

The Thieving Magpie.

Got it. Thieving Magpie.

The Pie Eaters.

The Bad Piper Who Stole Things.

Pride of the Yankees!

The World.

The Big Round Thing.

Oh, What a Circle.

Oh, dinner time.

Is there gonna be anything to eat?

I think that was the oven.

Oh, finally.

The Music Man.

Bless you.

Any ideas?

I think he's gone over.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

Bless you.

You know, you may be allergic to something.

Yeah? Like what?

I don't know.

Let's explore.

So how long have you been in this country?

Oh, sorry.

It's the dog food!

Bless you.

Hey. You're allergic to dog food.

Too bad. That may be all one gets to eat.

Afternoon Of a Faun.

No. No, it's Mabel.

She's also allergic to dog food,

which means she's not allergic to Murray.

That makes me happy.

Jamie, I have to eat something.

Yeah, Jamie.

Have a heart.

Oh, for God's sake, feed your guests.

I'm very hungry. Me too.

I could eat a pound and a half of this stuff.

Listen, you'd better watch it,

because you're gonna burn yourself.

I don't care.

Where do you think they're keeping the pie?

Ear.

Ear infection.

Earplane.

Earport '77!

Yeah. I don't know.

Hello.

The Thieving Magpie.

Yes!

I want you to say it one more time. Hold on.

The Thieving Magpie.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Closed Captioning: Sara Meyer