Original subtitles

"Who hops?"

Oh, there we go.

"Crows hop."

Oh, look, it's daddy.

Maybe he'll read you your new book.

Oh, you know, sweetie, don't even have the time.

Oh, come on. It's your daughter, for God's sake.

Okay, maybe just a quick little read, and then I...

Okay, sweetie, here we go,

a little quick, fast read, okay? Here we go.

"Who hops? Frogs hop..."

Let her turn the page. What?

She likes to be part of it when you turn the page.

Okay.

Okay, "Who hops?

Frogs hop..."

You're holding it too close to her.

Pardon me? She's not focusing

'cause you're holding it too close to her eyes.

Okay,

let's start again. Here we go.

Okay, "Who hops?

Frogs hop..."

She heard that part already. Okay, you know what, sweetie...

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take Each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

Okay, we, my little friend,

are packed and ready to go

for our weekend in Los Angeles.

I'm very excited about this.

This is gonna be great. A weekend for the record books.

I'm not going.

I say this is a great, great weekend.

I don't want to leave Mabel. I'm sorry.

Honey, it's two days. It's two nights...

And with the time difference, like a day and three-quarters...

A day, uh, seven-eighths.

Uh, uh, it's a day and twenty-one-twenty-fourths.

It's less than two days. Still not going.

Sweetie, we've talked about this, okay?

This is a big deal for me.

This is... this is not some small agent.

Honey, listen, I'm talking to you. This is not a small agent.

This is Gardner Mulloy flying me across the country

for a meet and greet, okay? Not just a meet.

He does the meet, and then a little extra greet.

Why can't he do that on the phone?

Come on, he's trying to decide if he wants to represent me.

You know, he's gotta... He's gotta shake my hand,

look me in the eye, take the measure of me.

Why can't he come here?

'Cause they don't do... Well, why not?

Because they don't... They don't do that, honey. We go there.

Mm-hmm. Do you have any idea

what it means if Gardner Mulloy wants to be my agent?

What does it mean?

Oh, you have no idea. Come on.

It means I can finally make the documentaries I wanna make.

You know, we're talking about Paul Buchman

can finally become an actual person.

Sweetie, you're a person.

No, I'm not. No, not really.

I'd like to be, you know.

Someday, I'd like to be a person,

and Gardner Mulloy can do it.

Gardner Mulloy can make you a person.

Really?

Yeah. Henry Weitzman, Jules Monty, Frank De Santos.

Never heard of them. That's because

Gardner Mulloy doesn't represent them. Do you see?

We have never left her alone for a whole weekend.

Sweetie, she'll be right here with her grandparents.

I am so sorry.

Sweetie, they haven't ruined a child in over 30 years now.

All right, we'll go.

Plus, Mulloy's paying for the whole trip.

We get to eat out of the minibar?

Anything... a little can of pretzels $32, who cares?

Hiya, Mama, hiya, Pop.

Hello.

Hello, Mabel, baby.

Klarik's was having a white sale,

so we bought you some towels.

Oh, Sylvia, that's so sweet.

If it's all the same to you,

we'll use them while we're here.

Oh, make sure you get an aisle seat on the plane.

That's where the action is.

All right, yeah.

And make them give you bottled water.

They say they don't have it, but they do. They keep it up front,

near the pilot. All right, good to know.

All right, Pop, thank you.

All right, sweetie, I think that's it.

I think we are ready and ready to go.

Okay. All right, come on.

Just absolutely ready to go.

All righty.

Okay, we're leaving.

We're leaving,

Leaving on a jet plane... now.

Mm-hmm. We're leaving.

Okay.

Big old jet airliner, coming, coming to take us away.

Sweetie, big flappy flappy, jet jet, go go?

Sweetie? Hmm?

You want a couple more minutes? Yeah.

I see, okay.

Yee-hee! Look at this, honey, the King Vidor suite.

You know why they call it a suite, don't you?

Look at this, this is sweet.

I can't believe the airline lost our bag.

Look, over the bed, they got a drapey-thing.

You put the bag on the plane in the beginning,

you take it off in the end. How hard is that?

Ooh, swans! Hello, Mr. Swan!

All right, don't annoy the swans.

Why'd it have to be the bag with Mabel's little picture in it?

Sweetie, we have 17,000 pictures of the child.

Not with her little finger in her nose.

Yes, you're right, sweetie, it's one of a kind,

and yet, life goes on.

Here we go. Thank you very much.

That was, uh, great.

Okay, this is terrific.

Thank you.

You figure buck a bag, even here, right?

Yeah. God, it's bright in Los Angeles. What is that?

That's the sun, sweetheart.

But if you don't like it, I'll have them turn it right off.

Who is?

Room service.

We didn't actually order anything.

Compliments of Mr. Gardner Mulloy.

Oh, well, okay. There we go.

Oh, look at this, honey, champagne.

Champagne is nice.

See, a little spark of life there,

and look at all this.

Oh, my God, truffles, and olive paste,

goose liver pate.

It's nobody you know!

Uh, uh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Well, this is pretty impressive, huh?

Yeah. All right,

I would like to make a toast, if I may,

to the most beautiful woman I know.

Who, by weekend's end,

may very well be married to a client of Mr. Gardner Mulloy.

Hear, hear!

Ooh, that is good. Oh, very good.

It is, isn't it? I gave the guy a 5.

Does that seem enough?

He came straight from his tennis lesson.

And, uh, right after this, he's due in the valley.

But he knows he only has you here for, what is it, two days?

Oh, not even. More like a day and... and 34...

Like a five... 50, you know... Two days, yeah, okay.

Well, he really wanted to see you, so...

Oh, no, thank you. I... I went at the hotel. Uh...

Huh, oh, what, are you kidding?

Gardner? MAN: Speaking.

Uh, Paul Buchman is here. What?

Paul Buchman is here.

Oh, good, good, good, good, good.

Hiya, Paul Buchman.

Hiya, Gardner...

Mulloy.

You look well.

Nice... nice... nice to meet you.

Give me a minute. I got to rinse and repeat here.

Sure. You know what? I'd be happy to wait outside.

No, no, no, no, no, no, let's talk, let's chat.

Have a seat.

Sit! Sit, sit, sit, sit!

So good to finally meet you.

I gotta tell you,

I'm a little star struck.

Oh, star stuck, really?

Yeah, because I'm a very imposing figure.

Ha-ha-ha! Hey,

can I get you something?

Oh, I'm fine, thanks.

A muffin? Coffee? I'm fine, thanks. No, thanks.

Peach? Peach? Sure.

Peach sounds good. I'll have one, too.

See if you can't scare us up a couple of peaches, huh?

Okay. Uh...

Ooh, by the way,

found your bag.

How'd you do that?

Well, we heard you lost it,

and we made a little bit of a fussy wussy.

Wow! Boy, my wife will be happy to hear that.

Here we go, peaches.

Peaches, yay!

Yes?

Peach.

Toss it right over the top there, Paulie.

Peach coming in.

Hey!

So, how'd you like that goose liver pate?

Oh, that was something. Boy, that... what a big basket.

Thank you so much.

Too much, wasn't it? A little wasteful?

No, no, no, it was a great basket. Thank you.

Look at that.

You gentlemen all right in here?

We're just grand, thank you.

Can I take your peach?

No, you don't have to do that. Oh, it's okay.

Yeah, it's all wet and dripping now.

It'd be my pleasure. Are you sure?

Paul? Yes?

Give him the peach. Okay.

Thank you.

He's... He's very good.

I gotta tell you, this... This whole trip

has been such... such a... a... an eye-opener.

We have just been... Hey, how are you, mister? Okay.

So good to see you.

Hey, nice... Nice to see you.

Nice... Nice to meet you.

Directions okay?

The directions were very good, thank you.

I... I had, uh, came down, uh, san, uh...

La Cienega.

La Cienega. La Cienega, there. Zip, zip, zip, zip.

Oh, and the ocean is right out there, and...

Paul Buchman? Yes, yes?

Tell me something.

Mm-hmm, sure.

Uh...

What do you...

want your next documentary film to be about?

That's... That's a very... Very good question.

I'm in the process of trying to come up with a good idea.

Uh, there's so many good ideas...

I'd like to help you find it.

Would you? Oh, yeah.

I'd like to help you sell it, too.

You would?

What... what... what are you saying?

I am saying...

I would like to be your agent, if you'll have me.

If... If I'll... oh, well, hey...

You don't have to answer now. Oh, I can answer...

Take your time. You can think about it.

I've thought about... Would you like to answer now?

If I could answer now...

Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.

Yes! Yes! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I'd be thrilled if you were my agent. Oh, look at this, okay.

I'm so pleased. Oh, well, good.

I've dampened you.

No, that's... that's gonna dry right up.

This is a good day.

This is a great day. Ha, ha.

What do we do now? What happens traditionally...

Right now? Mm-hmm.

We just enjoy the moment.

Sure.

Sweetie?

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

How you doing?

Fine, thanks.

How'd it go?

Uh, it went great.

He wants to represent me, honey.

I'm... I'm a person, huh?

I'm an actual person.

Oh, what's he like?

Oh, he's a great guy. He's an interesting guy.

He's, uh, he's an off-beat guy, I'll tell you that.

He's, uh, he's sort of, well, you know,

he's... he's... he's clean, I'll tell you that. He's clean.

He's... he's kind of peppy. He's kind of peppy.

He enjoys fruit... does he have to do that right now?

Mm-hmm.

He wants to represent you? That's great.

Yeah, he wants to represent me.

And, not only that, found the bag.

What bag?

From the airplane. The bag.

Oh, right. How'd they do that?

I don't know. Got clout. Shall I take out the picture of Mabel?

It's okay, I'll see it later.

But the little finger in the nose...

I'll look at it later.

Okay.

So, uh, what did you do?

I had a great day.

I swam, I read,

I took a nap.

And you became Edith Piaf. Mm-hmm.

All right, Mrs. Buchman, all done.

You have great muscle tone.

Hey, hey.

You have such strong, gentle hands.

You know, why don't I just step outside?

Sweetie, come here, smell me. What?

She said smell her. Yeah.

What is that, bread?

No, it's rose petals.

Oh, okay, yeah, of course, yeah.

I took a scented bath.

Whoo!

See, no more baby poop.

Just rose petals. Good for you.

Bye, Mrs. Buchman.

Bye-bye.

See ya. Good luck rubbing strangers.

Honey.

I'm not tipping him nothing.

Look at you, like a shiny, cleaned up burrito there.

I know what you need.

What is that?

Spectravision.

Want to watch a dirty movie?

Oh.

So apparently, uh, massages

make you want to watch dirty movies.

No, hotels make me want to watch dirty movies.

Expensive hotels make me want to have sex.

Good.

No, no, let it ring.

Wait, it could be Mom.

Oh, let it ring. Mom and Mabel.

Honey, just let me see.

Hello? Hey, Gardner. It's Gardner.

Hey, Gardner, I can't wait to meet you.

We're having so much fun.

Thanks for the chutney. Okay. All right, sweetie.

How you doing? What's up?

Sure. okay, uh, uh, where should we meet?

Okay.

Okay, I'll be there in exactly three-and-a-half minutes.

This is fun.

Where did you learn to shoot like that?

I don't know, camp?

Camp? Like Dirty Harry camp?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Is it wrong that I find that sexy?

You married Barbarella.

I really did.

Why don't you fire the gun there, Paul?

Sorry!

How come we've never gone shooting before?

Because we are vigorously opposed to this type of thing.

Oh, yeah.

I need more bullets.

Allow me.

Thanks, Gardner.

My pleasure.

I love California.

I can see.

I'm gonna go with you, Gardner.

Gimme your gun. Why?

Just till the bullets get here.

You're my delicate flower.

So, uh, what was the idea? Tell me.

So after you leave, I pour myself a soda,

and I go off to get a couple of ice cubes.

During which, I look down at the ice tray,

and I think to myself, "Now, this is great, this ice tray."

Who is this person who came up with this?

Who is the person who took a tray with water

with the divider thing with the lever?

This is a visionary, this guy.

Okay.

You're right, it's dumb.

No, no, I'm just trying to...

Okay, then I start to drink through a straw,

and I'm thinking, "Straw?" Who is the first person

who said, "I'm not gonna drink this conventionally.

I'm going to draw it up through a conduit of some kind."

Yeah, so who was that, like the earl of, uh...

You're right, it's dopey. No, no, it's not dopey.

Not dopey? Not at all.

Okay, so, uh, here it is:

People who aren't famous, but should be.

That's my idea. What do you think?

Well, I... Yes, I think that...

It's crap, isn't it? No, not at all.

No? No, I...

Do you like it?

I... Yes, yes. You like it or it's crap?

I... I like it. Really?

Yeah. So we'll do it or it's crap?

It's not crap. Then well do it?

We can do it, yes. I think it's great.

It's great, it's not crap!

No.

Okay. Boy, I never seen her like this.

You know, at home,

she... She practically never fires a repeating weapon.

She seems lovely.

She's great. She's, you know, she's very accommodating,

she's not demanding...

Oh, how about this?

How about this?

How about we go to dinner? I know a great place.

Okay. We can take my plane.

Plane?

♪ Oh, the guy who Invented dimmer switches ♪

♪ He was a genius, too ♪

♪ And that sticky Little lint roller ♪

♪ Takes the lint Right off of you ♪

♪ And the guy who Invented Q-tips ♪

♪ It's like a tip ♪

♪ But with a "Q" ♪

♪ None of these people Were famous ♪

♪ But they should be ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Yes, sir.

Get in here!

Paul, go ahead.

I'm going to the occupado.

Come on, sweetie.

I don't know about that.

I could get seasick and airsick at the same time.

You know, most bluesman would kill for the chance

to get into a hot tub with a blonde.

You think so? Uh-huh.

Let me check, see if I have the appropriate bathing attire.

Oh, look who's here, sweetie, little Mabel.

Look at that. Oh, what a face. Is that a face?

Uh-huh.

You didn't even look.

Uh-huh, I know. I'm busy.

So gorgeous. Look at that.

I'm not just saying this 'cause she's our kid...

Maybe I don't want to look at her right now.

All right, I know. I'm just another dopey dad.

My god, I'm 30,000 feet in the air,

I can't get a second to myself.

Yeah, but no kidding around, look at how the face...

30,000 feet in a hot tub, I can't get a second to myself.

All right, all I'm saying is that...

Oh, my God! Why did I have a baby?

What did you say?

"Why did I have a baby?"

Did you just say that?

Ladies and gentlemen, the pilot tells me

we will be landing within the half hour.

Where are we going already?

I forgot to ask the pilot.

New York? We're going to New York, really?

We're going to New York?

Yeah. I know this great little French place

on 12th street. That's right near our house.

That's right near our house.

Jamie, if you don't want to go to New York,

we'll go, uh, to Boston. I know a great little seafood place,

uh, near Beacon Hill. I wanna go to Boston.

Hey, you know what? I actually think it's time to go home.

Well, I don't want to go home.

Why?

I'm having fun.

Well, I'm actually not.

Paul, I miss this.

You miss what?

I miss living like this.

I miss fancy hotel rooms with swans

and shooting galleries

and private planes with hot tubs.

I miss my old life.

Hey, I don't want to hurt your feelings,

but you never did that.

That's like Joey Bishop's old life.

Are you happy now? You're missing Joey Bishop's old life.

I know we never did that,

but we did other things that made me feel like that.

We can't do those things now. We have a baby now.

I'm a mother now.

The fun is over.

Yes, but you enjoy being a mother, don't you?

Sweetie?

Sweetie?

I say...

tell me, you enjoy being a mother, don't you?

Hon... okay, you know what, Gardner?

I gonna ask you to stop that right now.

Thank you.

Honey, if... if this...

I'm going to Boston.

Okay, 'cause I'm going to New York.

Okay, I'm going to Boston.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Okay, fine.

Hi.

Hi.

How was Boston?

Fine. Gardner wants you to find the guy who invented cream pie.

All right. You in for the night,

or you going to Istanbul or something now?

Oh, I'm in, I'm in.

Okay, good.

I wish I hadn't said it, okay?

I didn't mean it.

I did mean it at the moment,

but I didn't really mean it.

A part of me really meant it...

a little teeny tiny, very small part of me really meant it.

But the rest of me is really sorry for that small part.

The rest of me is so happy.

So you got all that in Boston?

Well...

that and this.

His name is Leo.

Oh, honey, why'd you get one with a name?

Oh, it cries.

She's up?

Yeah. She's been up more or less all night.

Could be she loves you, could be coincidence. Who knows?

So, Leo, you're a crustacean.

You would know. The green stuff in the middle, what is that?

Hey.

Hey, hi, come here.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, come here.

Come here, come here, come here.

Hi.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

♪ You are my sunshine ♪

♪ My only sunshine ♪

♪ You make me happy ♪

♪ When skies are gray ♪

♪ You'll never know Dear ♪

♪ How much I love you ♪

♪ Please don't take My sunshine away ♪

Okay, here's one: toast.

Yes! Yes!

The guy who discovered that when you, like, superheated bread,

it just changed the whole bread experience.

Right, changes the whole thing.

And staircases. How... The guy who invented staircases.

Can you imagine what it was like before staircases?

Oh, O'm gonna say exhausting.

Place mats! The place mat guy.

Place mats.

The guy who invented place mats.

There's one, huh?

How about... How about this: matches?

'Cause before matches,

you got to put a cigarette in your mouth,

put your whole face in the fire.

Meat! Who was the guy who said,

"Stop that, cut it, and cook it"?

Captions: M.P.