Original subtitles

Come on, Mabel, just say anything.

Oh, my god. Did you hear that?

Mabel just spoke.

Oh, she did not.

Right there. It was her first words.

Uh-huh. What were they?

She just said, "On Wisconsin."

I see.

Hey, I'm as surprised as you are.

But clear as a bell, she said, "On Wisconsin."

Why would she, really?

Why? I don't know. Maybe she hates Michigan.

I promise you she will talk soon.

All right.

Tell her you'd marry her all over again.

Tell her you love her more than yesterday,

but not as much as tomorrow.

Mmm, tell her that next Thursday

you will love her more than next Wednesday,

but not quite as much as a week from Saturday.

While in the month of July,

oh, how you'll love...

Oh, he loves her! What's that?

More than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.

That's so sweet.

Oh, sweetie, not to burst your bubble,

but he's an actor.

Would you do it all again? What?

Marry me.

You mean, now that I know you're sappy?

I'm serious, are you sure you'd marry me again,

right now, if we met today?

Instantly. Instantly, I would.

Then let's do it.

Do what? Let's renew our vows.

I don't, uh...

I don't even know what that means.

Let's renew our vows, let's get married again,

in front of God and everybody.

Okay, God, maybe, but another seating chart,

frankly, my head would explode.

It's been such a long time.

Yes, but it's sort of like...

The vow... It's a vow.

Once a vow is a vow, that's a vow.

Yes, but we're not who we were then.

Look at us. We're sleep deprived,

We're knee-deep in work and poop

and projectile squash.

Honey, we're the same people, essentially,

we're just a little more disgusting.

Those are the people that need to renew their vows.

The disgusting people?

There are new things to say,

things we didn't know when we got married at 14.

We weren't 14. We were young.

We weren't thatyoung. Oh, we were soyoung...

Okay, okay, we were very young.

We knew nothing! Can I tell you something?

When we gave our vows the first time

and I promised to swear to respect, and honor,

and tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth... That still stands now.

Fine.

Can we discuss this another time, like, I don't know, never?

My throat is doing something horrendous inside.

Oh, suck it up.

I'm sorry?

I'm gonna be folding laundry

till about the year 2006.

I have a few of my own problems, okay?

So I'’m guessing in sickness and in health,

not a big part of the new vows.

Hello. I just came by to drop off

a present for my favorite baby.

Is she gonna love this or what?

A truck?

Yeah. Why?

A truck?

What's wrong with you? What is wrong with her?

What is wrong with you?

Hey, what's wrong with you?

Huh? Oh, I got a throat thing going on...

Oh, god, all right, excuse me.

Let me see if we have any sniffling-sneezing

my-husband's- a-big-wussy medicine.

You're so sparkly.

Is everything okay?

Huh? Yeah, it's fine.

All right.

Hey, Mabel, look what Uncle Ira

brought you, a present.

Can you say "truck," huh? Truck?

Can you say "truck"?

Wow. What?

Did you hear that?

She just spoke. She just spoke!

She did? Yeah, she just said,

"Sausages are free."

I think it was gurgling.

Clear as day, she just said...

She just said, "Sausages are free."

Honey, did you hear that?

It was gurgling.

All right. What's that from anyway,

like, is that from the Bible or something?

"Sausages are free?"

Yeah.

Yes. Yes, it's from the Bible.

Yes, it is.

Book of Jimmy Dean, chapter 3, verse 12.

Oh, like you're Cardinal Cushing.

Oh, boy, it's like a knife

being shoved down my esophagus.

It's like broken shards of glass,

like swallowing the whole glass.

Like a gunnysack of ouch is surrounding...

Oh, my god. Tea, okay?

Sweetie, this is something.

This is no kidding around. I'm calling Dr. Hazelkorn.

It's a sore throat. Drink your tea

and don't talk for eight seconds.

Mmm. Hi. This is Paul Buchman.

Here's the situation.

I can no longer swallow.

Oh, it's like hot lava.

It's like a sword swallower's

first day on the job.

You know, like, picture a thousand nails...

I'm just trying to give you a sense.

Wednesday? Next Wednesday.

That's kind of a...

Here's the... it's like rusted barbed wire

being just pushed down my windpipe...

Tomorrow? Well, that's better but I...

To be honest... Picture hot bacon grease

if they're pouring it down in your raw gullet

and you get burning... I'll be right over, thank you.

Did you just say, "You've got mail?"

Hey!

Hey.

Guess what I am? What are you?

You are looking at a little miss mentor.

I don't know what you're saying to me.

It's like big sisters. I've been selected

to give valuable life guidance to a little girl.

How in the world did they select you?

I stole your résumé and put my name on it.

Lisa! That Yale thing you did,

I really get that now.

Oops.

Oops?

Emily.

You left her in the hall?

She has to learn to love herself.

Emily, this is Jamie.

Hi, Jamie. Hi, Emily.

It's nice to meet you.

Excuse me, Emily, one second.

Ok, Emily, we have a big day, okay?

We need energy food.

Do you have doughnuts?

Hello. Hi.

Never mind. We'll figure it out.

Whenever you go to a person's house,

you always take their doughnuts.

So, what did they say, you gonna pull through?

Oh, my god? You're kidding? Today?

Oh, my god. Okay.

I'll be right there.

Come on, you cute thing,

we're gonna go see daddy in the hospital.

He has to have his tonsils out.

Oh, sweetie.

Hello.

Oh, look at you. Are you okay?

Mm-hmm. Oh,

I'm so sorry. It's okay.

I didn't know you were really sick.

How could you know?

I'm sorry I told you to suck it up.

Forget it.

I'm sorry I brought you tea only grudgingly.

Didn't even pick that up.

Tell me what you need, is there anything

I can do for you?

You'll be happy to know I'm in excellent hands here.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

You really shouldn't be making him talk.

That really hurts, doesn't it?

Oh, those great big tonsils can be painful.

And you've got the biggest tonsils

I've ever seen, heh, heh.

Oh, this is Jamie and Mabel over there.

Hi, I'm his...

Hello, Mabel.

Oh, you were right. She is adorable.

I heard about you too.

You did?

You know, I really can't blame you

for not noticing little medical things,

being so busy and all.

Honey I had to talk about something

during the sponge bath.

I picked these out just for you.

Anything strike your fancy?

I'll be right back.

All right, listen...

You know, I really think

he needs his rest now.

I really think I knew that.

That's the fastest I ever hated anyone.

She's a godsend.

All right.

I get it. All right?

What? If I won't help you,

the pretty girl will. I get it.

Good. So skit over?

No.

Paul, you poor guy, your tonsils.

I feel so terrible. Are you gonna be okay?

I hope so. Bye.

That's called, "Showing your face."

Who-who's The little girl?

Lisa's protégé.

Why?

Paulie, Paulie, Paulie, look at you.

Splinky, is this something?

What are you, like, 40 now and getting your tonsils out?

So?

No, it's cool there's a six-year-old next door

with an enlarged prostate.

Hi, Paulie. Mommy's here.

Okay, I'm officially seven.

How do you feel?

Shh. Don't talk.

What did they say?

Shh. Don't talk.

Who is this doctor, and why

didn't you call Dr. Fishman?

Shh. Don't talk.

Oh!

My angel, ha-ha-ha!

Come here, come here, Come here, come here.

Ma, she's there.

Mrs. Roycroft's granddaughter said her first word.

We're hoping soon, Sylvia.

You know what Paulie's first word was?

Mama.

Shocking.

Can you say "grandma?"

Mabel, can you say "truck?"

Can you say "truck?"

Truck? Who gives a girl a truck?

It's a brave new world, Aunt Syl.

When I was a kid, I had my tonsils out.

Everybody ate ice cream.

Me, too.

Maybe we should get ice cream after.

Do you want Haäagen-Dazs or Ben & Jerry's?

Haäagen-Dazs is around the corner.

Oh, but Ben & Jerry's, my god.

Starbucks java chip.

Hello, hello! Surgery.

It's almost time.

Now, I know you're probably scared,

but don't you worry that handsome head.

With the anesthesia, you won't feel a thing.

And when it's over and you wake up,

I'll be there.

Oh, thank god.

You're such a pretty girl.

I wish I had another son.

Sweetie? Yeah.

Listen, I want your face to be the last thing I see,

Just in case, you know?

What just in case?

Listen, with general anesthesia

you never know anything could hap...

Those words never came outta your mouth.

It's a long shot, you have to acknowledge...

It's time, Mr. Buchman.

Okay, it's time. Thank you, Gino.

All right, here we go.

You okay?

I always make that noise. Oh.

Okay, Paulie, here we go right this way.

You know something? You're gonna be just fine.

And then you're gonna play with your daughter

and her truck. Can you say "truck"?

"Truck"? Come on, say it, Mabel, "truck."

Schmuck!

Oh, my god.

Sweetie, she spoke.

Schmuck.

Yeah, that's the good news.

The bad news is she's grounded.

Schmuck. IRA: Oy.

Schmuck.

I can't tell this to Mrs. Roycroft.

Aunt Syl, it'’ll be fine.

Undo this.

Can you say "mama"?

Schmuck.

It's hard not to take it personally

when she's looking right at you.

Mr. Buchman, the doctor is waiting.

Yeah, okay. Would everybody just excuse me?

I'd like a minute alone with my wife, please.

What is it? Schmuck.

I just...

I just want to say something to you.

Should anything happen... I mean, I know it won't,

but better safe than sorry.

What is it?

I...

I want you to know...

that you are the single greatest blessing

I have ever received.

I mean, I don't know why we're put here on this Earth.

I don't know what they want from us.

Except, I have always known

that I am supposed to be by your side

and taking care of you and having a family with you

and making you happy.

I-In a universe that's, like, 99 percent disappointment,

You... you are the one sure thing.

You are the proof that life is good.

You are my life.

What the hell's the matter with you?

Hmm?

How could you do this to me?

What?

They're gonna operate in four seconds,

you give me a speech like that?

Just a sec... I was fine.

I know that.

It's a tonsillectomy, for crying out loud.

I was going to the cafeteria to have a sandwich

now I think I'll just pace a hole in the floor.

It was just in case, like cautionary...

Well, thank you very much.

It's a hypothetical, in case. In case-ily.

Mr. Buchman, we really have to go.

You go enjoy yourself.

I can'’t, honey...

I'll just be here grinding my teeth to dust.

Schmuck! You said it.

But, honey...

This was a very hostile thing to do.

Hostile? How was that hostile?

I'’m saying!

Can you say "hand?:" Huh?

Please? "Hand." Schmuck!

Can you say "Jell-O?" Schmuck.

Mabel! Okay, can you say

Lillian B. Saltzman Memorial Corridor?

Schmuck. James?

Keep working.

Come on...

Oh, hello.

Oh, hi.

What a beautiful baby.

Yes. Schmuck!

Oh, my.

I'm sorry.

Schmuck!

Is there something I can do for you?

Uh, no, not really. But thank you.

Okay.

You know... actually, you know what?

Yes?

Sell me.

I'’m sorry?

I mean, I am not a religious man.

No disrespect, but you know,

I got a business that I run,

and I date a little bit.

And, you know, I'm curious,

and if you could maybe sell me,

that would be great.

Well, that's really not something I do.

Oh.

What is your... pardon my ignorance,

but what is your conglomeration?

I sort of represent everybody.

Oh.

That's wild, you know, I actually...

I've actually never prayed.

Would you like to?

It's all right?

Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Okay, good.

Hello, and thanks for coming.

Uh...

You know, I would like, please,

if it's no trouble,

health and happiness for my entire family.

World peace, please, and an end to all suffering.

That would be nice. Um...

I would also like to meet a nice woman,

if you have an extra.

Oh, oh, and could you please

send some consistent pitching

for the Yankees in the playoffs?

And... and... and an end to world hunger.

Oh, and I'll tell you,

I would love to see South Pacificrevived again

because, as you know, that's one hell of a good show.

Oh, damn. I just said hell.

Oh, crap. I just said damn.

This is not easy.

Uh, what else? What else?

Oh, an end to disease,

uh, the return of candy cigarettes?

I guess...

I guess that's about it.

Schmuck!

Oh, yeah. Mabel.

You know, you'd get me out of a major doghouse

if you could clean up Mabel's mouth.

Yeah. That's it.

Okay, thank you.

So, uh, hallelujah.

Signing off.

I rejoice in your house.

Thou have a nice day.

Happy trails to you.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Hang on.

Excuse me, help me out here.

How do I end one of these things?

That was fine.

Yeah, really?

How did it go? Is he okay?

He should be coming out of it soon.

Was everything routine? Any surprises,

any complications?

Step away from the patient, please.

I'm sorry, but you can't come in yet.

But when he wakes up, I'll be sure to tell him

how much you cared.

Uh, Diane...

Is it Diane?

Yes. Come here.

Ow!

All right. There you go.

Sweetie?

Ew.

Ow!

Oh, my god. Don't ever die.

Give me my Romeo.

And when he shall die,

take him and cut him out in little stars

and make the face of heaven so fine

that all the world will be in love

with night.

Did I ever tell you I played Juliet

in the fifth grade?

I did.

Opposite Steven Palumbo's Romeo.

Oy. What an actor he was.

He started crying during my monologue

when he was supposed to be dead,

because he said I was leaning on his arm.

Oh, my god. Don't ever die.

I have so much more to tell you,

and I'm not interested in telling it

to anyone else.

And I'm not saying I'd be helpless.

I mean, I'm bright and fairly good with money.

I mean, I guess I'm cute, right?

You would say, "What, are you kidding me?

You, my little friend, are a perfect example

of beautiful."

And so, I am.

'Cause I am nothing more or less than what I see

in your eyes when you look at me.

Do you know how long I waited for you?

My mother used to say I was too picky,

or afraid of commitment and that's why

I was still unmarried by the age of almost 30.

But the truth is, I was just looking for you.

Do you know how close I came

to being a narrow, cold, mistrustful woman?

You have given me a life

so big and full

and good and fun.

I don't even know what we do, really,

besides clean up and complain

and wish we were sleeping.

But with you, somehow...

fun.

And I'll tell you a secret.

When we got married,

I couldn't imagine still wanting to be with anyone

all this time later.

But I do.

It's a miracle to me. You...

are a miracle.

You've made me happy,

which is something I never, ever

thought I'd be.

Honey?

Are you up?

Sweetie?

Diane?

What?

Remember, I used to have that eye problem.

Honey, no, you know, I was clearing my throat,

and it came out...

Ga-ga-Diane.

Oh, my ga-ga.

No, you know what I was thinking?

Diane Sawyer did a piece on hospitals, remember?

Where you going? Don't go, don't go.

James, James... Oh!

So, what I'd really like to ask, lord,

is why do I always have to play a chaplain?

I mean, I can be tough.

Watch this.

Fredo, you broke my heart.

You talkin' to me?

You can't handle the truth.

Leave the gun, take the cannolis.

Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!

Soylent green is people!

So, what do you say, lord?

Just asking.

Closed Captioning: Leanne Royo