Original subtitles

Ah.

Oh!

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me All your secrets ♪

♪ And I'll tell you Most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really True this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So, darling Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper In my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens After here ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump Into the Final Frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

♪ Final Frontier ♪

Okay. I am off to the new health club,

then Chinese food, then bra shopping.

Sweet and sour soup, please, and I'm a 36-C.

And Nancy will bring Mabel back around 4:00.

Great.

I like having a nanny. Is that wrong?

No, sweetie.

Coveting your neighbor's wife is wrong.

Also, cock fighting I've always thought was wrong.

Splinky. How you doin'?

Is James home?

Uh, she's in the bedroom.

Good. Quick. Come here. Look.

Uh-oh.

Guess what's in here.

A Chevy Impala.

What?

It's obviously aspirin.

No, it's not.

Okay, well, don't say it like that,

it's an aspirin bottle.

You think I'm gonna make

a big deal about aspirin?

How do I know? What is this?

This, my friend, is Viagra.

Really? Yes!

Huh.

Isn't this amazing, Paulie?

A pill that can do what that does?

Uh-huh. I mean, in the old days,

our forebearers, when they got into trouble,

they did not have a pill. All they had

was their shame, and the wrath of their womenfolk.

This is so true. Huh.

Hey, sorry. What?

I didn't know you were having trouble.

I'm not having any trouble!

Hey, it happens.

You're not exactly a kid anymore.

Paulie, I am not having any trouble.

I am as reliable as the sunrise. Even more so.

So what are you doing with that stuff?

I was curious. Uh-huh.

I was! I was curious,

I had curiosity, I sought knowledge.

So where'd you get that stuff?

I lied to my GP.

You lied to Dr. Campbell?

Yeah. So?

My god. Aw, come on, Paulie.

Look me in the eye and tell me

you are not just a little bit curious.

Why would I be curious if I'm not having a problem?

Because you never know.

Maybe this stuff could make you run a little faster...

jump a little higher.

I run and jump just fine, thank you.

You mean to tell me there's no room for improvement,

that you get the be-all and end-all of erections?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Neighbors.

You're a new father, Okay?

You're exhausted all the time. Your life is chaos,

a symphony of self-sacrifice

in which your body is a daily casualty.

Surely that takes some sort of toll

on your sexual prowess.

Put down the sandwich, come on.

Why do you always think you can come in here

and just make yourself a sandwich?

Give me that.

Get outta here, just go.

And take your Viagra with you

because nobody here is interested.

Viagra? Can I see it?

Yeah, sure.

Look, it's so pretty.

Can we keep it?

Of course you can.

We don't needthat.

No, but aren't you a little curious?

No, I... Am I the only one willing to leave

erect enough alone?

We have neighbors.

Come on, let's see if it does anything. Let's play.

Really?

Why not, it'll be fun?

Oh... kay.

Yay!

So, listen. You take it about an hour

before you're gonna have sex,

and then for four hours thereafter, your erection...

Hey! Hey, hey, hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey! Hey.

All right, all right, can we stop?

Listen, you take the Viagra now

we'll make love when I get back.

Does that work out for you?

It's outstanding. Now, I gotta tell ya,

there may be a few side effects.

Here we go. Okay, what?

Well, i-it could give you a headache.

All right.

And an upset stomach. Okay.

And it may give everything you see a bluish tinge.

Now you're just making stuff up.

No, I'm serious. A bluish tinge?

What the hell kind of side effect is that?

I'm just telling you. A bluish tinge,

plus patients apparently think they're Sergio Franchi.

Come on, it'll be fun. Don't you think it'll be fun?

I do. I think this'll be nothing but tremendous fun.

A little fun wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Okay. Yes. Hey, no question. Here we go.

All right. I'm just gonna...

Here we go.

Oh, are you okay?

That's a big pill.

Want me to cut it up for you?

No. I'll be fine.

We could grind it into a powder.

No. Roll it up in a piece of cheese?

I'll be fine.

Okay.

Ahem!

All right. Here we go. Ready?

Yeah.

I'm kidding.

Higher, Paulie.

Lower, Ira.

Aunt Syl, how much longer is this gonna take?

My arms are spasming.

Just wait.

Oh, my god.

Ooh. What?

Ooh. Okay.

I have, uh, have to report of myself

that I notice a... a certain fullness.

What?

A certain fullness... happening.

Don't make me spell it out.

Oh.

You must love aircraft carriers.

It looks terrible so far to the left.

What a minute, you mean to tell me

that you're experiencing a fullness

even while listening to your mother's voice?

Yeah.

Hello!

Is anyone with me?

Of course. Mm-hmm.

This pill is something special.

Oh, excuse me...

Do you know where the showers are?

I'm sorry, I...

Forgive me, I just... I didn't...

Out that door. Down the stairs.

Thank you. So sorry.

Oh, god.

Oh, god, oh, god!

Hello?

Hello!

What kind of door doesn't have a...

Thing?

Hello!

Hey, pal!

You don't even turn around?

Eat more!

Oh, god, no. Hello?

Hello!

Nice to see you.

How are ya?

Oh, my god.

Hello.

Look at her.

Hey, hey. Ooh.

Hey, mama!

Pardon me?

Hey, mama.

Nice cookies!

Let me explain something to you.

We are living in a civilized society.

I don't know if you've heard,

but we have rules of conduct, so get a clue.

What makes you think

you can speak to strangers that way?

"Hey, mama." "Nice cookies."

How long did it take you to think up that one?

You're just gonna say, "Hey, mama."

And last minute you thought, "Oh, I know, nice cookies."

You are throwbacks!

You are mouth breathers, and the train of evolution

is leaving you all behind.

Oh, oh, oh. What's that?

Woo woo! It's the train of evolution, now leaving.

All aboard. But, sorry, not the mouth breathers.

"Hey, mama." "Nice cookies."

You're pathetic.

Excuse me.

What? Excuse me.

Hey, mama. Nice cookies.

I take... so much of what I just said back.

All of it, in fact.

The cookies look delicious, and you have a lovely son.

And now I go that way.

Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry,

but it's awfully dangerous back there.

You can't walk in there, ma'am. It's horribly unsafe.

I have to go all the way around?

I'm afraid so. I mean if you got hurt...

We just couldn't live with ourselves.

Oh, well... Thank you.

Thank... uh... All the best.

Stay well.

Taxi!

Hey, you want to share a cab?

No.

No?

Lincoln Center.

But I'm a cute girl in a towel!

Oh. Taxi?

Taxi?

Sorry!

Taxi?

Animals.

Huh? Oh. Yeah.

Staring at you like there's nobody else on the road,

like they never saw a pretty girl in a towel before...

with long blond hair... creamy-white skin, and a...

A titillating scent of vanilla.

C-could you watch the road? Oh.

Animals!

You know what? All I need to do is get around the block.

Gotcha. I'll take Fifth.

What?

Well, 36th is one way against me,

and 7th is total gridlock right now

because Tony Blair's in town.

Tony Blair gets gridlock?

I guess.

Whatever.

I'm gonna take the West Side Highway.

Well, listen, do you understand...

I need to get... Right over there.

The fastest way around the corner

cannot possibly be a seven block detour.

You want some chicken?

No. Thanks.

I'm good. I had a cracker in April.

You're not from here, are you?

I'm from here. I promise you,

Fifth will move like the wind.

Well.

When you're right, you're right.

Excuse me.

Are you sure you don't want some chicken?

Yeah. Next time.

Phone. Phone. Ph... What are you lookin' at?

Phone. Phone!

Phone.

Okay. Never been happier,

Never been happier, never been happier.

Hey! Horse poop.

♪ Never been happier Never been happier ♪

Sir.

Well, the question is, how do bands of light

behave when they enter the water?

Do they... bend? Do they...

Do they...

Do they bend, or...

Sir, may I use your phone?

Bands of light, you see, when they enter the water,

Perhaps they bend, perhaps they don't!

I'm just gonna borrow this just for one second.

Uh, but it...

Say, "Good-bye, bands of light."

Bye, bands of light.

That was a pleasant stroll.

James?

You'll only attract more attention by walking that way.

You try walking when you're pharmaceutically enhanced.

When is James coming home?

I don't know, she should've been back already.

My head really hurts now.

Really? Hey, maybe you're getting the side effects.

Does your stomach hurt?

It's not my favorite stomach.

Oh, man. What color is my hand?

Blue?

Actually, no.

Oh, my god. Everything here is blue.

It is? Yeah.

Paulie, my shirt? It's blue.

Murray? Blue.

This orange?

Don't ask me everything individually,

I'm saying everything is blue.

I'm sorry, it's fascinating.

Did you get these side effects when you took it?

I didn't take it.

What do you mean, you didn't take it?

Why would I take it if I could get you to take it?

Hello?

Don't ask me to explain. Just understand.

I am wrapped in a towel, and I need you

to bring me some clothes.

Well, why would I need an explanation?

In the front closet, there's dry cleaning.

Okay. In the front closet,

dry cleaning. Yes, sir.

You see the blue dress?

I see a whole bunch of 'em.

Well, pick one.

I will meet you at the Empire...

The what?

Let's meet in the lobby on the Fifth Avenue entrance.

Honey? Honey?

You're breaking up.

Oh, no, wait. I will meet you...

You're break... Honey? Ah.

What happened? The phone went dead.

Where is she? I don't know.

She said, "I'm at the Empire..." And then static.

"Empire..."

"Empire..."

"Empire..."

I'll meet you at the 33rd Street entrance

because there's only one... Ah! But it's a freight elevator.

I know. I know. Here's what we'll do.

We will meet on the observation deck.

Be hard to miss me, I'll be the girl in a towel. Okay?

Empire, empire, empire...

Empire... Hotel.

Nah. Empire Diner?

No, no. It's like Empire... At the Empire...

You, the Empire...

I got it, Empire of the Sun.

Okay, A, no.

But I know exactly where it is now.

Where? She said she was going

for Chinese food, that could only be Empire Szechuan.

No kidding?

Absolutely. Blue dress, blue dress, blue dress...

Blue. Dress.

Here we go.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello!

Your phone cut out!

Unbelievable.

They got a pill for your penis,

you can't finish a phone conversation.

So Empire Szechuan?

You are correct, sir.

How you feelin'? Same.

Oh, could I borrow a quarter?

Yeah.

Oh, sorry...

Heh, thanks.

They're yours. Thank you.

Oh! It's breezy, isn't it?

Uh, I have to go.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a woman...

a woman in a towel. A towel.

Hey, whoa!

Don't look, Marion.

Look, no woman was here in a towel. Okay?

Are you sure? Because she said...

Yes, I'm sure. She said Empire...

Um, please... Go outside.

I'm just... I just... I'm trying...

Look. This is a...

A family restaurant.

Thank you for this pill, by the way.

Hey, how do you think I feel?

I can't walk in there anymore.

If I could get physically close enough

to punch you, I would. Where are we going?

I don't know, I'm just running for my life at this point.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What?

Jamie said she was going bra shopping.

So?

So, bra shopping.

Put two and two together.

How many places could... Yes!

Do you have a listing for a... Empire Brassiere shop?

Or, uh, Empire Bras or...

Bras of the Empire? Anything like that?

Bras of the Empire.

Empire Lingerie. Perfect. Where is that?

Right near the house. Thank you very much.

Okay, don't ever doubt me.

How are the side effects?

Not so good. My head hurts,

My stomach's killing me. Yeah?

Things look blue? A little bit.

Hello, officer.

Did you know that if you spit from this height,

by the time it reached the ground, it would be hail?

What?

Hi, excuse me, is there any chance a woman...

Oh, sir, for god's sake, she's a mannequin.

Don't shoot, don't shoot!

Not a gun, not a gun!

The money's in the register.

Not a gun! It's not a gun!

How do I explain... Oh...

Sorry, ladies.

Paulie, forgive me, but why don't you

just go home and relieve yourself?

Hey, hey, hey. That's not the kind of thing

you talk to a person about.

And, two, it ain't gonna happen anyway.

Why not?

Because, this is...

You know how the weatherman says

this is one of the ten great days of the year?

Yeah. Okay, well,

picture a lovely day in June, okay?

And I ain't wasting this one on a picture of Steffi Graf.

Yeah? Steffi Graf?

Yes, thank you.

The point is, vitality like this

does not grow on a tree, my friend.

And if it did, you wouldn't want the tree to prune itself.

You're quite the poet, Paulie.

Meanwhile, maybe if my head could just explode,

it would feel a little less painful than this.

Your stomach still bad, too?

Stomach? Yeah. How's the blueness?

It's vivid, man.

It's really blue.

Postmen are dressing really well now, aren't they?

Yes, they are.

Empire what? Empire something.

Like Empire...

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Oh... so what is it? Empire...

Empire... Look at this.

Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, my god!

Oh, boy, I gotta tell ya...

I'm sorry to bother you.

Yeah, I know. You're my, uh... biggest fan?

Uh, No. No. It's not that at all.

Um, my wife is a big fan...

No, my wife is a big fan...

Would you mind... One autograph?

I-I don't... Sorry to bother you!

Please, Jerry? Sorry, sorry.

You happy? Now you're scaring famous people.

I thought he would've been nicer.

So what're you gonna do?

So what'd she say? She said Empire...

Something. Empire what?

Empire... Hey, don't look at me like that, it's weird.

Shush. I'm thinking of something.

You can think without looking at my fullness, please.

Hey, hey, hey, I got it. What?

The empire state building.

Well, A, thank you.

And, two, yes!

Excuse me. Could I use your phone?

Sweetie, I love you.

Please? Just for a second. It's an emergency.

Honey, I promise, nothing in the world

could ever come between us.

I'll call you back.

James!

Paul!

Am I glad to see you!

Yeah. Clearly.

Sorry.

What took you so long?

It's a long story.

Just, come to the elevator right now, please.

Right now?

Believe me, you're gonna like me...

very much.

All right.

I'll just take the stairs.

Woop! You may want to stand back.

Wow. I know.

That was one long elevator.

Thank you.

Ha, ha! And we have two hours

till the baby comes home.

Look at that. What do you wanna do?

Sweetie?

Pookie?

Closed Captioning: Leanne Royo