Original subtitles

Long story short, that is why you don't try to steal

the Declaration of Independence.

Moving on. (reporters calling Marshall)

Today we are very happy to welcome

Princess Abigail of Andorra.

Yes, it is a real country.

Get yourselves a map.

The princess will be hosting

the Andorra Peace Foundation's annual gala tonight.

Really, guys?

It's right between Spain and France.

MARSHALL: Uh, Mr. President,

one more thing about the Princess's visit.

She wants a little more face time with the big guy?

I guess I can stop by that gala for ten minutes.

Actually, sir, she's requested Skip.

In Andorra, he's more famous than you are.

Apparently, they think he's some sort of bad boy celebrity.

Well, Skip on the international stage

is recipe for a trade war.

Or a war-war.

I understand, sir.

The Japanese foreign minister

is still rightfully upset about Skip's impromptu

kabuki performance of Pulp Fiction.

I tried to talk her out of it, sir,

but she is insisting.

If Skip's escorting her,

you're escorting Skip.

What's that?

I thought I heard my name.

I don't know what's going on there.

Good luck.

Skip, are you all right?

No, haven't you heard? Stacey Kim is dead.

Oh, my God, I'm-I'm so sorry.

To me, dead to me.

I should add that part.

(sighs)

I rolled the dice of love

and it came up snake eyes, Marshall.

So I'm done-- I'm off of women.

From now on, I'm taking care of myself.

Is that why you're wearing a blanket with sleeves?

I'm swaddling myself, like I'm in the womb.

It reminds me of the last time

I felt safe with a woman.

Pocket chip?

Uh, Skip, you're...

You're clearly not in the mood

to hear this right now, but there's a gala tonight

and the Princess of Andorra has requested

you as her escort.

(gasps)

Princess? Gala?

Shame on you for not leading with that, Marshall.

Shame!

So, yes?

Do pro bowlers have mustaches?

Is Carol Burnett a national treasure?

Of course, yes.

* Oh, whoa-oh-oh, whoa.

Hey, you gonna be working late tonight?

Yeah, I got to read a 200-page memo.

If I don't throw in some facts from the second half,

they'll know I didn't read it. Uh-huh.

But at least it's better than your thing.

Uh, for your information, Game Changers is a

committed group of thought leaders

who want to affect public policy...

(yawning): Oh, my God, it's so boring.

But I made a commitment, so I need to show up for a few hours.

D.B., I gave you one simple assignment:

to read the seven books

that make up the core of my parenting philosophy.

In my defense, I thought you were kidding.

D.B., tonight is the dress rehearsal

for the rest of your fatherly life.

You just need to make sure the kids

do their homework while we're gone.

Yes, on the surface, that's what it is.

But D.B. hasn't had the parenting experience

that I have. Not true.

I've seen Taken and Taken 2.

That does cover most of what you need to know.

I'm thrilled that the White House supports

the charitable endeavors

of the Andorra Peace Foundation.

How has your visit been so far?

Lovely.

With me, they're sharks.

With her, they're like little kittens.

And thank you for your kindness.

Awesome. SKIP: I did not realize you so many of you would be here

What is Skip doing in there?

SKIP: ...to witness this very private moment.

They should not have a door there.

So, if you could all please stop your photography

and turn away, out of respect for the princess.

No one?

Okay.

Excuse me, sorry.

SKIP: May I? Skip...

"Yea, look upon this beautiful princess.

"Look upon her Spanish caramel skin.

"She who has traveled across the churning sea

to bring grace and beauty to our disfigured shores."

Princess, I am so very sorry about this.

Actually...

I think it's quite charming.

Yes, Marshall.

You're embarrassing everyone, including yourself.

Did you get that? "Quite charming."

Can you make sure you include that?

Yeah. Thanks, everyone.

"And so, with this proclamation

"that I made to look age-ed with a hot iron,

I welcome Princess Abigail of Andorra."

Huzzah!

(scroll thunks on floor)

Okay, we're about to make the switch

from unstructured playtime to homework time.

Do you want to handle it?

Sure. Okay, I'll do it.

Guys, it's time to stop playing the game.

We're not playing.

We're watching a video of other people playing.

What?

That's the laziest thing I've ever heard.

This game is really hard.

There's no point in trying.

(quietly): And now we have a teachable moment.

Turn it on.

(sighs) Come on.

(scoffs) No point in trying.

Then why live?

And I'm dead.

Wh-- what the hell happened? You died, babe.

GAMER IN HEADSET: Nice move, noob.

You're so unpro.

What's "unpro"?

It's the worst gamer insult.

There's really no direct translation.

It means "unprofessional."

(gasps)

How dare he.

And I'm dead again.

D.B., could you please

go get me some carrot sticks of equal length?

Your Majesty,

It's an honor to show you the White House--

or, as you would call it, the White Castle.

(laughing)

You laugh like an angel...

who heard a great joke told by God.

Oh, Skip, it's ever so exciting to meet the bad boy

of the American White House.

Oh, no, you're thinking of my little brother Xander.

He is a scamp.

Oh, no, I mean you.

You're in our papers every day, getting into scrapes,

defying the rules of conventional society.

Your face is defying the laws of nature,

by being so pretty.

SKIP: Oh, Stacey, what are you doing

here at 6:18 p.m. on the dot?

My job.

I'm doing my job.

Princess, this is commoner Stacey Kim.

She works in the mailroom,

or as you would call it,

the dungeon.

Very pleased to meet you.

Stacey, bowing is not required, but it is encouraged.

Okay, then no.

It's fine, really.

No, it's not. No, it's not. It's fine.

Stacey is my ex,

so I don't want this to get awkward.

Oh, it's... it's not awkward.

I'm not his ex. (meowing) Cat fight.

We must away.

(sighs heavily)

Hey, Pete, you may want to get in here.

We have a security situation.

Sir?

A bunch of my economists are trying to bore me to death.

The nerds.

You want to use one of your free kills, sir?

I was just kid--

Oh, Pete.

(laughing): You got me.

Boop.

(laughing)

Hey, do you know where that, uh,

Game Changers meeting is happening tonight?

Yes, sir. Good.

'Cause I'm thinking right about now

the First Lady would appreciate a rescue.

Mm-hmm. Let's mount up and ride.

What an amazing place.

This private tour is just the beginning of a magical night.

I can feel it.

I've been journaling about this moment my whole life.

May I?

My journal's never going to believe this.

Mandatory Spending in a Discretionary...

Yech.

Pete, cover me.

Got your back, sir.

(laughter)

EMILY: Okay, game is Omaha, deuces wild.

John, if Millie takes any more of your money,

you're going to be paying for her daughter to go to Swarthmore.

(laughter) Next time, mail us each 20 bucks, it'll be easier.

Hey, boo.

Welcome to Game Changers.

We were just having a spirited discussion

on the merits of holding versus folding.

So this is what you actually do at these meetings.

No, no, not at first.

Totally used to be a boring policy thing,

but then we ran out of things to talk about,

and Madeline brought out a deck of cards.

You brought the tequila.

Oh, come on, you had limes in your purse.

We also issued a white paper on human trafficking.

I'll walk you out.

Unless you want us to deal you in, Mr. President.

Well, I do like poker.

(quietly): Yay.

Okay, I've updated my relationship status to:

"exclusive for life with Princess Abigail of Andorra."

(laughing)

You. Oh my goodness.

You're hilarious. No, stop.

Ernesto, we're going to make that stop we discussed.

So can you shake the security detail?

Wait, what's happening?

Skippy, be a lamb and hand me my valise.

Is it in this bag?

(laughing)

Are you a spy or a Decepticon?

If so, you have to tell me.

Listen to me, you lovable disaster.

I just have one question for you:

Are you cool?

Well in college I kind of found my crew,

before that I went through a long, awkward phase,

classic late bloomer story--

I need an answer.

Cool? Yeah. Ice cold.

Lovely.

I love being cool. I love it.

It's so fun.

Oh, um, do you want me to turn away?

Or... your Majesty.

Sniper on your six. Got him.

XANDER: Cool! We beat the level.

A trophy.

I didn't know there were trophies.

Why did no one tell me there were trophies?

Oh, trophies encourage children to achieve.

It's all in the books.

You know, teachable moment, etcetera, etcetera.

Becca, it's getting kind of late

and we haven't done our homework yet.

Homework will be your reward for killing all the space Nazis.

(breathily): Oh...

BECCA: Yes...

Oh, I see you robot spider.

You think I don't see you, but I do.

Your sister's been taken...

by video game addiction.

How is that even possible?

She's only been playing for a few hours.

That's how fast it can get you.

But she used to play when she was our age.

That was years ago.

The stuff on the street now is way stronger.

Do we look that... vacant?

You do.

And I did, too.

Hey, I was a normal kid just like you--

played socially, you know, with friends.

No bigs.

Then it started taking up more and more of my time.

I played alone, in the mornings,

just to feel normal, even me out.

I hit bottom when I forgot my date

to testify at my uncle Randy's parole hearing.

Ugh. Whoa.

It's okay, he tunneled out.

But that's why I don't play anymore.

And now it's my job

to make sure Becca doesn't go down that path.

Now, you guys go to your rooms,

and do your homework, okay?

Okay. Got it.

(sighs)

Bring her back safe, man.

I'll try, little dude.

I'll try.

No, no, no, no... oh!

(laughter, clamor)

You know, a lot of times, the so-called hot salsa

you get from a jar is milder than ketchup.

But this stuff is muy caliénte!

(laughing)

Right?

Okay, guys, come on, ante's five bucks.

Five bucks?

Now, that's muy caliénte.

(hearty laughter)

SKIP: Where are we?

Can I open my eyes?

I never said to close them.

(Skip whimpers) Okay, look.

Sometimes the pressure of being a perfect princess,

you know, it's just too much,

and you need to let go, you need to feel free,

and you need to drink absinthe until dawn

and take cat drugs

and harvest a stranger's organs.

Wait, what-what was that last part?

Can I close my eyes again?

(cheering)

(Abigail whoops)

(Skip screams)

SKIP: Abigail!

Slow down. I'm acclimating.

'Scuse me.

Beg pardon.

I like the antlers.

Are they functional?

Is this where dreams come to die?

(yelps)

Constable.

I'd like to file a missing persons report.

No, no, thank you.

I don't like to eat things

from other people's mouths.

Skip, where the hell are you?

Marshall, I don't want to alarm you,

but I'm trapped in a nightmarish hellscape.

Okay, okay, can you be more specific?

It appears to be a high-level urban dungeon

populated by trickster sprites

whose magics may be greater than my own.

Okay, can you be less specific, but more helpful?

I mean, does it have a name?

Excuse me, sir.

Where are we?

The question is, where aren't we.

You're a horrible person!

I hate you and everything you stand for!

It's called Carcass.

It's Carcass, Marshall.

Imagine high school gym class,

the kill chamber in Saw,

and the communal dressing room

at Morty's Big and Tall.

It's a living hell... o, you.

Oh, my God,

don't you just love it here?

I do.

(Abigail laughs) I love these

songs that would be

so hard to hum.

And I love seeing all my friends from Narnia.

I know, I know, I know, it's just marvelous.

Okay, so, take this,

knock it down your throat.

All right, let's go.

Will it make me small?

We're gonna take a five minute break

so Captain Tiny Bladder over there

can take care of

his business.

(laughter)

These Game Changers are a carton of good eggs.

I can't wait till next month.

Get your own thing.

What?

I'm sorry, but this is my thing,

and I didn't invite you because it's really fun

and I didn't want you to ruin it.

You're not good at apologies.

Again, sorry.

Look, when you walk into a room,

boom, it's all about you.

You can't help it, but it's like,

"Hey, the president's here."

And everyone leans in a little closer

and pretends to laugh at your jokes.

Pretend?

I love you, but "muy caliente"?

That's not funny.

That's 'cause you didn't punch the accent.

Sweetheart, you're so inside the bubble,

you don't even know it.

I am not in a bubble.

I-I'm just an average Joe

who knows how to bring the funny.

Okay. Take a bite of celery,

look at John and say, "Love that crunch."

Why?

Just say it.

Love that crunch!

(laughs) Good one, sir.

That was not a good one.

Hey, sir.

Nice loincloth.

Very now, but also timeless.

Madame, however do you you tinkle-tinkle

wearing that thing?

Oh, thank you, don't mind if I do.

Ow! Ow, ow. Skip.

Marshall!

Hey, welcome to Carcass, my brother.

Skip, have you been drinking? Well...

I wouldn't fly an F-14 right now,

if that's what you're asking.

Why are you wearing these ridiculous clothes?

Come on, Skip, I got to get you out of here.

No! No, my man. I love it here.

Dude, there's a room

in the back filled with nothing but bubbles

and inappropriate touching.

ABIGAIL: Skip!

Skip, Skip...

Somebody released bats in the bubble room,

and people are freaking out in a very sexual way.

Come on, before

Animal Control gets here.

Skip, let me put this

to you in terms you might understand:

this is "bo-nanners," let's skedaddle.

Marshall, I'm not one to kiss and tell,

but Princess Abigail and I kissed,

and I'm telling you.

That kiss is the standard by which I will judge

all the other good things

that happen in my life. Yeah?

That guy seems to like it, too.

Your Majesty!

Sir, could you please have a word with Skip?

He's due at the Andorra Peace Foundation brunch, but he is in seclusion.

His words. I'm guessing it has something

to do with this?

(sighs)

Sir, it got away from me.

Mm. Happens.

You got two on the ridge, Vasquez.

Hit them with the flamethrower.

I'm going in.

(clears throat)

Is she okay?

I'm better than okay, Marshall.

I'm teaching these kids a lesson.

Kids?

I think she needs to go to bed. Not yet.

Sometimes, you got to let the fire burn itself out.

Uncle Randy taught me that when Aunt Marci torched his Camaro.

Sounds like she's in good hands.

Got to hydrate, babe.

Just pour it in my mouth!

Sorry Dale crashed the game last night.

I told him it's just us from now on.

Probably a good call.

Well, it's not his fault.

He just doesn't realize

the effect he has when he walks

into a room. Good point.

Yeah, when everyone agrees with you all the time

and they laugh at all your jokes,

I bet it's hard to even notice

there's a problem. So true.

Mm-hmm.

Ah, well, I'm really enjoying lunch with you guys.

I actually hate most women.

Me, too.

I mean, a woman president? (blows raspberry)

Women are the worst.

So, we all agree with me.

Bubbly? Yup.

Hey, Skip.

Hello, Papa.

I suppose by now you've seen

that the international press

has had their way with me.

Yeah, your mug's all over the place.

Did the King of Andorra call?

Should I have my muffin guy

prepare the standard apology basket?

I don't care about that.

You got your heart banged up, and I feel for you.

I mean, hell, you've been saying

that you were gonna be

with a princess since you were six.

Zelda...

Leia, Buttercup, so many greats.

I really thought this was gonna be

my fairy tale romance.

But instead, it was more like a Grimm fairy tale,

where children in lederhosen

get baked into pies.

Skip, this is partially my fault.

Go on.

My job puts us in this big bubble.

And that means that people might give you attention

or seek you out for the wrong reasons.

It's nice to have someone

who can remind you of what's real.

You have that with Momily.

Becca has that with D.B.

I have tha... I have that with no one.

This is making me sad.

You'll find it, Skip.

Just might not be with a princess. What?!

Oh...

Right.

Of course, that was the point of this conversation.

Thanks, Dad.

SKIP: Your Majesty! Excuse me...

Oh, Skip, there you are.

Princess Abigail, you and I need to talk.

Can we do it on the plane to Ibiza,

on our way to my next fund-raiser in Gstaad?

Sure, should I pack a blazer or... What? No.

I'm not going to any of those made-up places.

Oh, Skip, what's wrong?

Last night, you treated my heart

like a diaper and that I will not abide.

Oh, Skip, so dramatic.

Would you like to put your hand down my dress?

Yes. No!

You mustn't... Yes. No.

No. No!

And that's that. I'm breaking up with you.

But we were never together.

And that's what makes this so hard.

Good-bye, Your Majesty.

(whispering): I release you.

Princess Abigail, it is time for the brunch.

I can walk you to the motorcade.

Thank you.

Marshall, may I ask you a question?

Mm-hmm. Are you cool?

Stacey, for once in your life, just shut up and listen.

What?

Life is not a fairy tale,

and happy endings are more elusive than they seem.

Okay.

Princess Abigail is everything you're not--

Sophisticated, exciting-- but you?

You're real, humble, plain, like tofu or asphalt.

I owe you an apology.

For what you just said?

No, for cheating on us.

But we were never together.

That's what makes this so hard.

I cheated on the idea of us, which is way worse.

But it won't happen again.

I do not release you.

Okeydokey.

Stacey, hard not to notice that you're following me.

I was gonna go this way anyway.

Well, well, well,

it turns out I'm just as much inside the bubble as you are.

What clued you in?

My feminist friends

couldn't get enough

of my women-hating rants.

They agreed with me on everything.

Well, I guess it's bubble-living for us

until I get voted out of this joint.

BECCA (weakly): I was trying...

Where was she?

Uh, rock bottom, sir.

I did it!

I did it! I beat the game!

I'm pro. I did it.

I achieved everything...

all my achievements that I wanted.

She got caught up in a first person shooter video game.

Been there myself. You get so far inside something,

you need someone who loves you to come in

and pull you out or at least keep you company.

Like a bubble? No, I'm talking about video games.

I'm gonna put this little hummingbird to bed.

EMILY: What happened last night?

Did you guys get your homework done? Yeah.

D.B. showed us the gamer scene is a one-way ticket

to nowheres-ville. I think D.B.'s uncle

was from there. Wait, so he actually tried

to steer you away

from a violent, inappropriate video game?

He didn't have to try too hard.

Becca was so hooked on the game

she was willing to endure the verbal abuse

of anonymous strangers.

And who wants that?

Hmm.

DALE: Oh, oh, oh, sorry.

My bad.

GAMER: No kidding. You just 'nated the whole team.

You're so unpro. It's true.

We're very unpro. No one ever

talks to us this way. It's fantastic!

If you can't manage

to cover me this time, I swear to God

I will frag you turds myself.

I'd like to see you try it, pencil neck.

Ooh. Yeah.

(cackling)