Original subtitles

DALE: I am sympathetic to the problem.

I just don't know if another rate hike

is the answer. Emergency.

Skip, I'm in a meeting.

With Postmaster General Lou Berryman.

Oh, I know exactly who you're in a meeting with.

Hello, sir. Those will be the last polite words I say to you.

Skip, is there an emergency or not?

Yes, there is.

I ordered a pair of indoor boots,

with light soles, so that there would be

no scuffing when I dance,

scheduled to arrive in five to seven

business days-- today is day eight.

I'm simply a citizen looking for answers.

Dad, I need you to call

customer service and play the president card.

I need to get bumped up

to supervisor. No. And this is

the kind of thing you need to handle on your own.

And this thing isn't even a thing.

I can't believe I'm still talking.

Come on, every word out of my mouth is wasting my life.

Look, we're both mad at Lou, but we all want the same thing:

for someone to accept the blame for me not receiving my boots.

XANDER: Hey, guys.

Check out my new moon boots.

(whispers): You little son of a...

I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm sorry, Mr. Berryman.

I love what you've done with the new Muppet stamps.

Yeah. All right.

* Oh, whoa-oh-oh, whoa.

And the President and First Lady of France

will arrive this morning for a series of meetings

and social engagements, or as the French say,

"réunion bilatérale."

That is not Rosetta Stone.

That is a semester at the Sorbonne-- what's up?

And then later tonight, President Gilchrist

and the first lady will be stepping out

for a date night, taking in a play

at the Kennedy Center.

So, this play tonight, we still going or no?

No, no, no, don't do that.

We're going.

I'm just checking.

I mean, I'm in if you are.

No reason to believe anyone's not in, hon.

We're all in.

We all continue to be in.

Great, terrific.

I just figured you might not want to go

since it ends after midnight and it is a three-hour play

translated from Norwegian. Come on, hon.

This is our date night and we cancelled last week.

Who's saying cancel?

Do you want to cancel?

Stop it. I'm just saying that

it's been a long week.

My first briefing was at 5:30,

I'm still on Hong Kong time

after that Asia trip, and it's a three-hour play

translated from Norwegian.

So, what, you want to stay home, uncork your pants

and watch a movie while you plow through a box of Yodels?

Is that what you want to do? No! Look, we don't

have to go to some play, but we need to do something.

Let's not become one of those couples that just gives up.

So no play?

D.B.: Hey! (knock on door)

It's me, D.B. Hi, D.B.

Wow, look how big you're getting.

(chuckles)

You know, you'd be a pretty hot fat chick.

Ugh. This baby has turned what used to be

a sleek Becca coupe into a freakin' minivan.

Plus, I am hungry all the time,

because there is this thing inside me eating all of my food.

I'm not even a person anymore.

I'm just a grow bag for a monster.

Geez, dark, babe.

So, you still up for a movie? Yeah.

I want to get lost in something really good.

That's too bad 'cause I only brought something great!

This is my favorite movie of all time.

Prank Guys. Yeah, it's these

three guys-- Chugsy, Rhino and...

a third guy-- all they do is go

across country pranking each other.

It's... (chuckles) so funny.

Just give it a chance, okay?

I promise you'll like it.

Is there even a plot?

Yeah, they prank each other.

Also, Chugsy's got some pretty serious custody issues.

So, you are going to see

Ibsen tonight?

We love the arts.

Yeah, we love them a lot.

But we're staying in tonight.

You know how it is. How what is?

The demands of the office, uh...

BERNARD: Ah, no, of course.

There are afternoons where events occur

and we are simply unable to make love.

BERNICE: Unable,

but not unwilling, eh? No.

Everybody's willing, but I'm talking about the 70-plus-hour

work weeks, the unrelenting pressure.

We have the toughest jobs in the world.

That is just what we want people to think, eh?

Are you saying that you have never ever cancelled date night?

I'm sorry, my English-- uh, "date night"?

Oh, well, you-you go to dinner and then a play

and then maybe you get a little amorous.

In France, we call it "night."

(laughs) How can you cancel night?

My job is hard. Am I crazy?

Uh...

EMILY: Oh, look at you two.

You're so romantic.

What's your secret?

I will tell you, but you must do everything we say.

Okay.

First, you make a dinner together, something spicy.

Some wine to awaken the soul.

Then, you take a bath

as hot as your skin will allow.

Then you do a puzzle.

I'm sorry, what?

Dinner, bath

and a puzzle.

Uh, again, a...?

(whispers): Puzzle.

Of course they have time for romance stuff in France.

They're either on strike or on vacation.

We're gonna make an intimate dinner.

We're gonna take a bath.

Two people in a bath?

We'll just have to shower afterwards.

It's romantic. How did you get me?

Hey, Becca.

We're gonna have date night at the house tonight.

Can you, uh, you know,

kind of keep the kids out of our hair?

Sorry, I have my own awesome date night with D.B.

watching some kind of horror film where

a man named Chugsy is repeatedly

tricked by two people claiming

to be his friends. Prank Guys!

It's the father of my baby's favorite film.

Maybe it'll be my baby's favorite film.

Ooh, what's that, fourth grade teacher?

My child superglued his buttocks together

and forgot to learn how to read?

Fantastic.

Xander to mission control.

I'm being chased by a lumbering,

vaguely humanoid life-form!

That's very hurtful!

And give me back my boots!

Skip, a word?

Flabbergasted.

What's up? Your father and I

are staying in for date night tonight.

Can you kind of stay on top of the kids?

If he stays on top of me, I'll die.

You'll pay for that-- such mean wordplay.

Dad, can you talk to him?

Just come here for a second. Okay.

Apparently, it's important that Emily and I have

a little alone time.

Oh, hey, yugga-yugga.

So what I'm asking you to do is

step up and be the man of the house tonight.

Totally. What are we talking about?

Impart some basic values, fine-tune the moral compass?

Am I getting warm?

My feet are getting warm.

Take off my boots, Xander!

Listen, listen, you've been on this earth

for two and a half decades.

All I'm asking you to do is just

make sure the kids do their homework,

they brush their teeth and they get to bed

at a reasonable hour.

This has made me so tired.

Homework, teeth, bed.

And no interruptions.

Can you handle it?

The important thing is

that you think I can handle it.

No, the important thing is that you handle it.

Then I misunderstood completely, but I now understand.

Date night.

(men laughing over speakers)

(groans) This is so stupid.

(laughs) I know, it's great.

Oh!

(laughs)

Wow.

Marshall.

What's going on? Oh, nothing.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were in here watching...

whatever this is.

President Milbert

gave your father some classic French films as a gift.

They were very quickly re-gifted.

Did the French dude also give you the hat?

The beret is my own; I did not realize

the room was taken. Wait, Marshall, wait.

Were you gonna watch Je M'appelle la Lune?

I adore that movie.

The scene where the two lovers

meet on the bridge, but really

the bridge is a metaphor for...

The loss of French identity.

I know, it's so great.

Do you think maybe we could watch it?

Oh, no, uh-uh, uh-uh.

I do not want to interrupt your guys' evening.

No, no, please. It's okay, right?

We can finish Prank Guys later. Yeah.

This is actually a pretty good stopping point.

The next couple of scenes, there's a lot of blood.

Awesome. I'll go put this on.

Come on, big guy.

Pop a squat.

(sighs)

Again, did not realize the room was taken.

See?

Isn't this fun?

Yes.

The French know what they're doing.

Except when it comes to repelling invading armies.

(chuckles)

Oh.

Maybe we won't even need that bath.

Ah, easy there, chief. Don't get ahead of yourself.

We have to do all the steps.

Earlier today, in front of you and our father,

I did not comport myself in a mature manner.

Boots were stolen.

Boots weren't returned.

Boots remain unreturned.

But that's all in the past.

Because now

Dad has put me in charge here.

And things are going to be different.

That is why I am wearing this cardigan

to show my dominance.

There are but three simple commands:

homework, teeth, bed.

And whosoever disobeys shall face the wrath...

Guys?

Guys?

Guys? Guys, what are you doing?!

Playing a video game. We're obviously playing a video game.

Well, I-I... Xander that was a hypothetical question.

Look, this is not one of the three commandments

as handed down by our... Shh!

Don't you dare use the first two consonants

of "shut up" to silence me.

Dad! We have a... oh!

Hey, nice.

Finding new ways to keep it fresh.

I like it.

Anyway, crisis.

I told them to do their homework,

and they just won't do their homework.

Kids, do your homework!

(sighs)

Fine. Okay.

SKIP: Nice.

I set them up, you knock them down.

What's the problem? You used to babysit them all the time?

I know, but they're older now.

And they no longer think I'm perfect, which is humbling.

You just have to put your foot down.

Well, which foot? How often?

Now I'm thinking about my boots again!

(people speaking French over speakers)

Guys, I got to be honest.

I hate this.

It's not for everybody.

Is it for anybody?

Just try and enjoy the deliberate pace.

That's what helps you to absorb the mise en scéne.

Yes.

Oh, bathroom time.

I don't even have to go, but, uh,

I can get there.

You two have fun.

"You two have fun"?

Oh, my God, he knows!

What? Shh.

Marshall, we have to tell him that we used to date.

Otherwise, it'll be like we're hiding something

and it'll be weird.

Wait, wait, wait, so on the off chance that things

might get weird later, you want to definitely

make things weird now?

Yes. No.

Okay, you're right.

We're probably overthinking this,

but just to be safe, let's try and enjoy

the movie a little less.

Okay.

(gasps)

Oh, Guy, Guy, don't be a fool.

Go to that girl.

Want to try a little harder?

Well, guys, we've reached the teeth portion

of our three-part evening, so get in there and brush.

Hey, Marigold, have you seen my foot?

Oh, there it is.

Right where I put it: down.

Go brush your teeth!

Xander took my magazine,

and I'm not doing anything till he gives it back.

Xander took

my boots, too.

I think he's got a problem.

I'm not gonna stand for that. (cracks knuckles)

Not in this cardigan.

Xander, is that Marigold's magazine?

Yes, it's called Cosmopolitan.

I thought it was about fashionable city life,

but it's not.

I have so many questions.

Oh, no. You do? Yeah, like...

what's the guh-spot?

(romantic music playing, people speaking French)

D.B.: Oh, look at the two lovebirds.

(movie stops)

All right.

We dated, okay?

But Marshall didn't want to tell you.

But I thought it was important that you knew, you know?

So we had a relationship.

It's over, in the past, end of story.

Wow. Uh...

I was just talking about them.

Oh.

God, it's hot.

Really, really unpleasant.

I feel like my skin is coming off.

It's so unromantic.

I think we're being poached.

Bernard and Bernice said the hottest bath you can stand.

I don't want to face it,

but they might be idiots.

So... are you okay?

Say something.

(sighs)

I guess that, uh, I'm feeling

like it's...

totally cool.

Okay? No harm, no foul.

Marshall's a good dude.

You're a good dude.

I get it.

So, you're not mad? Nah, babe.

MARSHALL: You know what?

I'm mad. D.B.: Oh.

What's the matter, buddy?

Look, it's fine that you know,

but we agreed not to tell anyone right now,

and she just went ahead and did it anyway.

And she always does that.

What do I do?

Just decide what you think is best

without consulting anybody.

(scoffs) You do that, babe.

Nailed it, Marsh.

Thanks, man.

And I don't understand why ten buff bachelors

who make your blood boil is a good thing.

In the Middle Ages, blood boiling was a torture technique.

The author also lists ten ways to please a man,

none of which is pizza.

And why are there so many tips on teasing?

I get teased all the time at school, and it's horrible.

What am I missing about teasing?

You haven't said anything in a while.

Please go ahead and answer any of these questions.

(gulps)

Where did we end up on teeth brushing?

That's my question.

And while you think about that,

I'll be thinking about your questions.

Oh, and I'll just be taking this back to Marigold.

Or Mount Doom.

Whichever comes first.

And I'll return in due haste.

MARSHALL: Yeah, right, but-but wait.

But does she ever do that thing where

she puts you "in charge" of something?

Oh, totally. Like, she'll pick the movie

and hand me the tickets and be all,

"You're in charge of the tickets." What is that?

You lost those tickets.

And if you disagree with her about something,

she says "we." Like, "Are we sure?"

Man, that bugs me.

Are we really still talking about this?

Oh! Oh!

(laughs)

With all those foibles,

I can't believe I had feelings for her.

Ow! Oh, no, a punch!

Man, what was that for? I don't know!

You said that thing about having feelings for her. "Had."

As in past tense.

Not present indicative.

D.B., I thought you were cool with it.

I thought I was, too.

I am just as blindsided by this as you two.

(whispering): Marigold... Marigold.

We all know Xander's smart, but how's his memory?

Does he forget everything that he reads?

Oh, you've got my magazine.

Yeah, and hey, listen,

you shouldn't be reading stuff like that, all right?

I guess.

I mean, I just...

wanted to figure out how to get girls to like me.

I think you mean boys.

No, I mean girls.

Oh, I see.

Well, um,

all of our bodies are changing.

Please excuse me. Got to go.

(pounding on door)

What's happening?! Watch out!

I know you told me to handle it...

Oh, God, Dad, bath party!

Hey, Momily. Hi, Skip.

And I was handling it. Believe me, you'd be

patting me on the back right now

if you weren't naked

in a bath with your wife,

and I'm so sorry, but there's a situation.

Is anyone dead, hurt, or on fire, Skip?

No, but... Dead, hurt, or on fire.

That's a very high bar.

That's an abnormally high bar, Dad.

(door closes)

My butt's asleep.

Yeah, let's just go to bed.

D.B.: Okay, I-I think what happened was it took a while

to sink in. Like an old modem, you know?

Becca and Marshall went out.

(imitates modem beep and hiss)

I'm mad!

Ooh, punch!

Anyway, I'm so sorry, man. At least

I don't have a job where I have to be on camera.

Oh, wait.

(door creaks open)

Oh, thank God, nobody's naked. Becca, I have a serious

situation with the kids. I could really use your help.

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Is anyone dead, hurt, or on fire?

Marshall's hurt.

Damn it! You win.

Okay, Marshall? I have an idea.

All right? But hear me out.

'Cause it's a little outside the bun.

But since I punched you in the face,

maybe the only way to make us even

is for you to...

(exhales)

I feel great about that. So do I.

Only, now I'll need a second icepack for my hand.

Marshall, you don't have to go.

We can still finish the movie.

Nope. No, no, no.

I prefer to finish it by myself, as was the original plan,

until I got sucked into the adventures

of my definitely ex-girlfriend

and her pal Sluggo.

Just give me that.

You two can finish enjoying Prank Dudes.

Prank Guys. Prank Dudes sucks.

N'importe quoi.

It means "whatever."

(sighs)

Oh, this feels so good.

You okay?

Yeah. So what if we're not a spicy dish

like Bernard and Bernice?

It's okay. We're a hearty stew.

Keeps you warm in the winter.

Comfort food.

Yeah. Doesn't matter when you serve it.

Once a week, once a month.

It's always there.

Good night, honey.

Good night.

(grunts)

I refuse to be stew.

1,500 pieces?

Start looking for corners, stud.

BECCA: Ah, Chugsy.

Right in the beehive.

(men laughing over speakers)

What's wrong?

I just don't get what's going on.

I mean, now you like my movie?

Yeah, it's funny.

Okay, but be honest.

Wouldn't you rather be watching...

Marshall's movie?

Oh.

I see what you mean.

(movie stops)

Look, D.B...

there was a time when I thought

Marshall's movie was the movie for me.

But then things change,

and suddenly you're watching a new movie.

And it's about

a bunch of guys getting hit in the nuts.

And at first, you think it's a little...

I don't know...

kind of dopey and not really for you.

But then, against all odds,

you find yourself kind of getting into this movie.

And you realize that Prank Guys has a lot to offer.

Wow.

I feel so much better.

(sighs)

Now how do you feel about me?

(movie resumes)

Shh.

Look for parts of the cat's face.

I can't find any.

Oh! There's some right there. There we go.

Ooh, I found an eye. I found an eye.

Oh, my gosh, there's another piece right there.

Look at that.

And look! It's a whole kitten.

Oh.

We did it. So cute.

Yeah.

(whispering): Hey, buddy.

I came back to answer all of your questions,

but, oh, no, you're asleep.

I'm just gonna count this as handled.

(grunts) Shh-shh-shh...

I'm awake.

(whispering): Oh, are you? Great.

That's great.

Did I say something wrong earlier?

No.

No, absolutely not.

I am so sorry.

I never meant to make you feel that way.

There is absolutely

nothing wrong with liking girls.

You know what? I'm a huge fan myself.

And it is really hard

getting them to like you.

Oh, I know, right?

Tell you what:

whichever one of us figures it out first

promises to tell the other. Deal?

Deal.

Good night, Marigold.

Good night, Skip.

Oh, and, uh...

I'm just gonna take the Cosmo.

I got to get to the bottom of this whole guh-spot thing.

Thanks for visiting

(speaking French)

Merci, merci.

What, I don't... (speaking French)

What is this?

Oh.

(whispers): That's where that went.

(chuckles): The search is over.

We, um, we took your advice on the puzzle.

Yeah. Good stuff.

You thought we were literally talking about a jigsaw game?

They thought the puzzle was a puzzle.

(laughing) Uh, what was it, then?

We'll show you when you come to France, huh?

It, uh... it takes four people anyway.

Au revoir.

BERNICE: Au revoir, merci.