Original subtitles

MAN: Now, the West Wing was built by Theodore Roosevelt

and was meant to be temporary.

SKIP: Hey, guys. Welcome to the White House.

Sweet colonnade, right?

It's just Latin for "porch."

Uh... Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great idea.

We'll take a picture and we'll post it online.

Your friends will be like,

"I know that guy! He's amazing!

I remember when he burned down that place."

If you would. I'm afraid there's no photography

on the White House tour,

Mr. Gilchrist. Take a... But take a picture.

Sir. No. Okay.

I get it.

This is your show.

You're the real star here.

Please continue showing them my house.

Right this way.

Ah, the Cabinet Room, the scene of many negotiations

that have shaped the course of our nation.

Hey. Sorry to bother you again.

Me again, White House resident.

Um... So, just wondering

when we're gonna get to the cool stuff?

Like, you know, the secret passageways.

Or the closet where they keep Grover Cleveland's skeleton.

Those things don't exist.

(quietly): Then whose bones did I find?

But when Lincoln proposed

the vaunted land grant colleges, many thought...

Mr. Gilchrist! (screams) You scared me!

Touching the busts is not allowed.

Well, then why even have a bust of Wilford Brimley

if you can't touch it?

That is Theodore Roosevelt.

You sure? You know who I'm talking about, right? The-the...

(deep voice): "I got diabetes." Yes.

Look! This is the People's House.

And the people deserve to touch whatever they want!

(glass shattering)

My cereal is soggy.

I should dash.

(glass crunching)

* Oh, whoa-oh-oh, whoa.

Today, the president welcomes his brother, Doug Gilchrist,

to the White House for the very first time.

As you may know, Mr. Gilchrist is the owner-operator

of the Las Vegas Convention Center.

The whole First Family looks forward

to catching up with Uncle Doug. (Emily groans)

I am not looking forward to catching up with Uncle Doug.

Come on. He's only here for two days,

and he's staying in a hotel.

Because the White House isn't good enough for him.

You can be mad about seeing him

or you can be mad about not seeing him.

One of those might be enough.

He always takes these little digs at you.

At our wedding, he said I would still be pretty enough

to remarry when you die.

Because I'm older than you

and you're really hot.

It's a solid dis.

I'm not saying he's wrong.

This will be tight for decades.

But he shouldn't have said it. (groans)

He's just busting my balls. You know, it's classic brother

back-and-forth. Seems like a lot

of forth and not a lot of back.

Hey! There you are! Hey.

(laughing)

Whoa. Great to see you.

Whoa. Okay.

Hey.

Offer still stands. Kidding!

Am I kidding? I don't know. Am I?

I don't know. I don't... I'm kidding.

Am I? Hey.

Mr. President.

Psych. Oh!

Got me. How was the trip,

huh? Well,

the Con-Con honcho gave me a ride

on his G-5 and the stewardesses

were Latvian, so... (whistles)

Whoa. So,

this is the Oval Office. Yep.

This is where I punch the old time card.

It's a lot smaller than I thought it would be.

You ever think about pushing out the walls?

Yeah. Then we could add a couple

video poker machines. (laughs)

Gaming in Washington?

With Atlantic City breathing down our neck?

You want to get us killed?

(Dale chuckles)

Okay, guys, this interview should be a breeze.

It's Mary Hart, not Meet the Press.

So, let's just do a dry run. (clears throat)

Tell me about the pregnancy.

Any cravings? Nausea?

No on cravings, yes on nausea.

Nothing I can't handle. Next caller.

Okay, D.B., that question was for Becca,

and this is not a phone interview.

Why don't you let me handle the interview portion

of the interview? Great idea.

And-and, D.B., you just...

you just reassure them with your smile.

Damn. You've just got that in your back pocket?

It's how I got into this situation.

Well, if you guys got this, I'm gonna head back to Old Navy.

Stop smiling now.

Cool. See you, guys.

BECCA (sighs): I still can't believe I even have to do this.

I mean, the entire point of these

puff pieces is to scratch at you until some emotion leaks out

and then they feed on you like vampires

until there's nothing left but a drained husk.

Maybe you should just smile, too. This should be a private matter,

but because of who I am, I have to go on TV

and let them try and turn me into some blubbering mess

of a pregnant lady. Well, think again, America. Listen, Becca,

I am spending my lunch trying to turn my ex-girlfriend

and the guy who impregnated her into America's sweethearts.

I could be reading tweets. I could be singing.

We were supposed to do the interview prep last night

until you canceled.

I told you my uncle was sick.

(knocking) Need you for a sec.

Yep. Wait.

I'm-I'm sorry.

Is he doing okay?

Well, uh, he's convinced that

I'm one of his buddies from the war.

So, yeah,

a little better.

(gasps)

Visiting your uncle? (scoffs)

(scoffs)

Oh, God, what did I just do?!

So, I ever tell you kids about the time your old man

chickened out of wrestling Carmine Tambornini?

Uh, I don't think they want to hear that old story.

(children talking excitedly)

Doug, tell it, tell it, tell it! All right.

It was the day of the final varsity match,

and your dad was supposed to wrestle Carmine.

He was the biggest guy in the district.

Last minute, he chickens out.

(stutters) I was sick. (Skip clucks)

He chickens out. (clucks)

No, I was sick. He chickens out, so I got

to take his place, okay? And this Carmine, this guy's a beast, okay?

He's got more hair on his chest than Skip has on his head.

Is that even possible? He gets me into a hold

that pulled my jock so tight

against my undercarriage,

I couldn't pee right for a week.

There's a new detail.

But I refused to tap out.

Then I hear a loud snap.

The son of a bitch broke my arm.

So Carmine got DQ'd and I become

district champion instead of your father.

I had mono. It was... (Doug laughs)

Mono? In high school? The kissing disease?

Well... What, you get it from Mom?

Dad, what he's implying is so gross.

Okay. Enough fun with Uncle Doug.

Terry and Mike are ready to take you two back to school.

DALE: And, you know, I actually

have some work to get to, so...

Yeah, I guess that deficit can't run itself up.

SKIP (laughing): Yeah, and Grandma can't make out with herself.

No one can.

I-I did not chicken out.

I had mono from kissing many girls.

Well, I'm glad he doesn't bother you.

Okay. You're right.

The insults bug me.

As do the stories,

which really are just a string of insults

woven into a narrative. (sighs)

I knew it.

I knew he made you miserable.

Wait. Are you happy right now?

No, sweetie, it's more vindicated.

Subtle distinction.

But I am not satisfied being

the king of the convention business. Nor should you.

That's why I'm working on a new idea.

People are always complaining that their commute is too long

and they got no time to work out.

I have no commute and I never work out, but I'm with you.

So we get a bunch of free weights, Uh-huh.

put 'em in the back of a shuttle van, and boom--

Traffic Gym.

That sounds like "traffic jam."

You're a genius, Uncle Doug.

I'm just a businessman, Skip.

Anyone can do it.

You look at the market, you see what's missing,

and you bring it to the people.

You bring it to the people.

(whispering): You ready for this?

Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you.

I was.

Let's do it.

GUIDE: Finished in 1800, the White House Psst, psst,

has been home to every president... psst, psst.

(whispers): If you want to see the real White House,

follow me. ...I have a particular detail that John Adams added himself.

Ladies and gentlemen, history is about to come to life.

Thank you.

(knocking) (whispers): We're good, we're good.

No one knows how the White House was built,

but there are many theories.

Was it constructed by aliens? Freemasons?

We may never know for sure. It was built by slaves.

Wh-What? Uh, the White House was built by slaves.

Oh, God. Really? (sighs)

Whoo... whoo.

(gasps) Ladies and gentlemen,

feast your eyes upon this historic portrait

of George Wa... shington.

Even better, feast your hands.

Really get on up in here.

Yeah. Grope that ancient paint. Grope it.

(slaps hand) Whoa. Too much groping.

We're leaving fingerprints.

I'm just gonna rub that off.

No, I'm making... I'm making it much worse actually.

You know, not a lot of people know this, but,

uh, when Washington ran out of ammunition,

he actually used his wooden teeth

to chomp through the British... troops.

(imitates buzzer) Uh, he didn't have his false teeth until after the war.

The wooden teeth are a myth.

No, it's not. They... Actually, fossils suggest

tooth-on-bone marks... (imitates buzzer)

Wha... You know what? I really appreciate

how engaged you are in this tour, but I'm also wondering

if there are any other noises that you make.

I'm sorry. It's just, you know, facts are facts.

Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. That's a fact.

That's a fact.

I didn't send it. How is that possible?

That is your number, Marshall.

But I didn't do it. Okay,

let me get this straight. Get it straight.

If you didn't send this, who did?

That's my coffee. Mm!

I'm not supposed to have coffee when I'm pregnant.

That is not your fault.

I know.

(groans, squeaks)

SKIP: Touch his face. That's it. Really get in there

and feel the... I-I want to say fifth president.

Ooh, what a treat.

My sister Becca, everybody.

Feel free to touch her belly. That's it.

It's the People's baby. (groans) Not now, Skip.

She really did not like that. You know what?

This stinks. I mean, you don't know your facts,

and... Eh, not so much. I know most of... I know.

You're forcing us to touch people against their will.

Nobody's being forced to do anything.

Is it too late to get back on the official tour?

(others murmuring in agreement)

Yes! Yes! Yes, it is too late

to get back on the official tour.

We don't even know where they are right now.

Please, everyone, just stick with me.

I have so... I have so much amazing stuff in store.

Russia's giving us the runaround on the latest resolution.

Okay, propose it anyway.

Let's throw it back in their court.

And where are we on those wildfires?

Mostly contained but they've damaged a few residential areas.

I want FEMA setting up disaster relief ASAP,

and get Administrator Robertson on the phone.

Because his operations are my operations.

Because I'm the boss

of all operations,

and commander in chief of the military.

Dale.

What's your Wi-Fi password?

We don't have Wi-Fi.

Even public rest stops have Wi-Fi.

It's an old building.

Get in there. Take pictures.

Really poke around, that's it.

In that third drawer, Millard Fillmore

used to keep his undergarments.

Were they men's? Were they women's?

He'll never tell.

DALE: I can't believe it.

I mean, you warned me...

Oh, no. That's my dad.

I'd know that low rumble anywhere.

Uh, guys, don't freak out,

but we're going to make an unplanned detour now

into the bathroom, right in there--

(stutters) exits both ways--

where I need total pin-drop silence, okay?

Shh, shh. I could not believe it.

I mean, he pulled aside

the Secretary of the Interior

and told him

the Carmine wrestling story.

Should we be hearing this?

No, probably not. No, no.

DALE: Somehow he connected it

to the allocation of Indian lands.

It was actually a pretty impressive segue.

Okay, Dale,

you've tried it your way.

Now will you please

tell your brother how you feel?

(whispers): Nobody else has this kind of access.

DALE: Fine.

Emotions. Words. Whatever.

I'll give it a shot.

Really? I got through to you?

I'm so excited, 'cause I actually figured out

what's going on with him.

It's all about that damn wrestling match.

What are you talking about? Okay,

so he broke his arm and he couldn't meet

with the recruiter from the Naval Academy.

Right. You end up at Annapolis,

he ends up at business school,

your lives go in two different directions.

Doug's got to be wondering, "What if?"

Hell, he probably thinks he should be president.

Oh, my God, it's all coming together.

Greek tragedy. I'm a genius.

This seems like private family business.

I-I agree with you. DALE: ...over a pair of jean shorts.

Forget that.

This talking to your brother thing...

that is still happening.

(sighs): I guess so.

Come on, you'll do great.

I have faith in you.

(whispers): Celebrities: they're just like us.

They're just like us.

So, this is good.

You and me, talking.

Yeah.

Ooh, it's humid in D.C.

It's hot like Nevada,

but it's not a dry heat.

Yeah, Nevada's a dry heat.

(sighs)

D.C.'s got great seafood.

Well, it's closer to the ocean.

Would you excuse me for a second?

Sure.

And so I told my husband,

a card is not a gift. Right.

How's the talking going?

We're discussing humidity and shellfish.

Though it's been pretty heartfelt.

Okay.

Do you want me to help get you started?

(grumbles): No... you know...

Yeah.

Hey, Marshall.

Just, you know, getting in the zone,

getting ready for the interview, so now's not...

Excuse me, could you give us a second, please?

...really a great time for me.

What in the hell are you thinking?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You pretended to be me and you sent a text from my phone.

Yes, okay, I maybe do know what you're talking about.

But you know what, you lied to me first.

You said that you were

going to visit your uncle,

but you went on a date with Vanessa.

I did go visit my uncle,

and then I went on a date afterwards.

I am an adult, Becca.

I can use the whole night.

Okay. Okay.

See, I thought this was one of those situations

where I did one thing wrong,

you did one thing wrong, but now it turns out

that I did two things wrong, and...

you did no things wrong.

Yup. You know,

my pregnancy is really taking a toll on me,

and my hormones,

Really? Really? they're just acting like

Really? After all of that crazy.

"pregnancy won't change me" talk,

now you're suddenly overcome with hormones?

I can see how it would be

very easy to use my own words against me.

Anyway, anyway, why do you care who I go out on a date with?

You're with D.B.

I'm moving on, I thought we were cool.

We are cool, okay?

Super cool.

So, just move on wherever you want, date...

Hey, guys. Got my interview shirt on.

Flattering stripes, radical patch,

$14.94 in the kids' section.

Let's do this thing.

Okay, guys, this is just stupid.

Doug, Dale feels like you never give him a compliment.

Are you kidding?

I always compliment him

on the size of his huge head.

See, you're doing it right now.

You pretend you're joking,

but you undercut Dale whenever you get the chance.

I-It's true, Doug.

Uh... you do it, well,

you do it all the time.

And no matter what I do, I can't impress you.

You really feel that way?

Yeah, I do.

Look, I'm just busting your balls.

That's what brothers do.

That's what I told her.

Of course I'm proud of you.

I'm proud as hell.

I brag about you

every chance I get-- ask anybody

in the convention industry.

I just figured you knew.

Now I do.

Doug... thanks.

EMILY: This is good.

I'm proud of you two

for listening to me.

Proud of me for making you listen.

We did it.

(Emily sighs)

Scotch?

Hell, yes. Yeah.

You know, it actually

feels good talking.

I'm surprised to say I agree.

Funny thing, Emily had

this crazy theory that your life took a turn

after that wrestling match.

(laughs)

That's why you're always

telling that story, and...

what-- ah, forget about it.

Huh.

I like to say that I'm not a pregnant woman,

but a woman who happens to be pregnant.

I like that. You reversed it.

Thank you. (sighs)

You know, it's very important to me

that I be a strong role model for young women.

My pregnancy doesn't make me any less capable.

And D.B.,

this must be quite a change for you, too.

Well, your goals are admirable, Becca.

But I think what I and the American people

want to know is,

how are you feeling?

Even role models have moments of doubt.

I don't.

Are you sure?

I am.

But are you?

Well, it's a lot of pressure,

being pregnant in the public eye.

Everybody has an opinion.

Yeah, there's even a blog

dedicated to pictures of my belly.

BeccaBellyBlog.com.

The comments are hilarious.

We are going through a very private thing

in front of millions of people,

and, well, that can start to get to you.

You know, sometimes...

sometimes you'll just do things

that you can't explain.

You know, one minute I want a burrito

and then the next minute you're freaking out

because a button flew off your coat,

and now here I am,

crying on national television like an idiot.

Here.

Thank you.

(choking up): It's just that pregnancy

is a really beautiful time in a woman's life.

This is the first time she seems human.

Yeah, she does.

It's just so intense.

I mean, we made a person

and it lives inside of her.

(Becca sobs)

May I?

Oh, sure.

Knock yourself out,

Mary Hart.

(Becca sobs)

The wrestling match was a turning point.

If your arm was broken,

I would've applied to the Naval Academy.

Well, sure, I went

to business school, graduated fifth in my class.

Would've been higher if I wasn't

dating two girls at the same time.

But if I was in the military,

I would've won as many medals as you.

Probably more. Wait, wait,

wait, they don't just give

those medals to anybody.

I would've been the one

coming back to Nevada a hero.

With a chestful of medals, I'm a no-brainer for governor.

I fought a really tough race to become governor.

Next thing you know, I'm barnstorming across Iowa,

and wap-bam-boom, hail to the chief, baby.

It's like when my arm was broken,

we switched lives.

(Dale laughs)

I should be president.

Get out of my chair, Doug.

Make me.

I mean, maybe I care too much,

and that's why I get involved.

But I know I can help.

I mean, look at Doug and Dale.

That's decades of tension

I can relieve.

Is it a gift, a burden?

Is it both?

(scuffling)

DALE: You want some of this?!

(both shouting)

(grunting)

(grunting)

(grunting)

Guys!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is family, guys, I can handle it.

Yeah? I don't think you can handle it.

Oh, shut up!

(screams)

(Emily gasps)

Okay, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

This is a major setback.

(groaning) Why don't you stop

roughhousing and talk like adults?

(screaming)

Talking is what got us into this.

Tap out.

It's not gonna happen.

Tap out, you stubborn ass. Stop!

Tap out.

You're gonna have to break my arm.

Fine.

(panting)

Fine.

(Doug grunts)

This is ridiculous.

I knew you weren't as tough as me.

No. I never was.

I chickened out, okay?

What?

Yeah, I've been lying

about that day for 40 years.

I wasn't sick.

I was scared to wrestle Carmine.

He was the size of a bear

and he had a full mustache.

I pretended I had mono, and I stayed home.

I knew it.

You always looked out for me, man.

You always did, and I know

I would not be where I am today

if you didn't wrestle Carmine Tambornini.

Well, that's all I ever wanted to hear.

(Dale panting)

Come here.

(both laughing)

You hug like an old woman.

(scattered applause)

This is amazing.

Amazing!

Ladies and gentlemen,

that concludes our adventure.

If you liked it, I hope you'll tell your friends--

"Skip the Tour."

Out of the office, Skip.

And we're moving on.

We're moving as quickly as possible, guys.

Oh, hey-hey, uh? (laughs)