Original subtitles

ALL (chanting): Dale failed, Dale failed, Dale failed, Dale failed...

Look at us-- it's like we're in a Norman Rockwood painting.

Morning, Xander.

You sleep okay? I did not, Emily.

I'm running for class president.

A lot on my mind.

DALE: Bad news, buddy.

Running's the easy part. Did you have

to deal with someone going around school,

tearing down your campaign posters?

Did you tell your teacher about it?

Yes, but she's in cahoots with my opponent.

It's a sham election, Emily.

This is how democracies crumble.

Oh, it can't be that bad, can it?

That's what they said about the Bolsheviks.

DALE: Look, buddy, it seems unfair,

but in politics, you got to be tough.

Sometimes people don't like you.

Did you see those protesters outside?

They hate me. Come on,

they don't really hate you.

One of their signs said

"We Hate You, Mr. President."

But you're awesome.

You are not going to beat Jessica.

She is so popular,

and her hair smells like frosting.

Marigold, why aren't you supporting your brother?

Because I don't like his stance on touching my stuff.

But Jessica is a mouthpiece for the establishment.

At least she didn't hand out a 300-page manifesto.

It's called a Xanifesto. EMILY: Hey, where'd Skip go?

ALL (chanting): Hey, Dale, more rail!

Hey, Dale, more rail!

SKIP: Hey, Dale...

Hey, Dale, more rail.

Hey, Dale...

* Oh, whoa-oh-oh, whoa.

You don't think Xander's teacher

is actually taking sides, do you?

I hope not, and Xander does exaggerate.

He accused his math teacher of habeas corpus violations.

I am going to check in at the school just to make sure.

Honey, I don't want us to be helicopter parents.

Although we do have access to a helicopter.

I just think it's okay to exercise a little restraint

so the kids learn to figure out stuff on their own.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

He's always been your son. You don't get how much

stepparents have to step things up

to get acceptance from their stepkids.

This could be a step in the right direction.

One too many? Is that

what this is about, honey?

Because the kids love you.

Well, I've got Skip locked down.

Marigold-- I'm cautiously optimistic.

Becca is my white whale.

But with Xander, I feel like I'm close to something.

He needs to know I have his back.

All right, just

keep your cool.

What does that mean?

Well, I think you have

a tendency to go overboard sometimes.

I know,

I love that about me.

ALL: Hey, hey, ho, ho, Dale Gilchrist has got to go!

SKIP: Hey, hey, ho, ho, Dale Gilchrist is doing his best.

Hey, Skip Gilchrist is here.

(scoffs) I wish.

(sighs) Why did I wear a wig

that looks like my normal hair?

Protesters,

I took this form to walk among you.

I could no longer listen to you slander my father.

He's a good man.

He's killing the environment, Skip.

And you know why?

He's in bed with the auto industry.

PROTESTERS: Yeah.

Oh, really? 'Cause last time I checked,

he was in bed with my hot stepmom.

Well, then, why do his transportation policies

heavily favor road projects

over mass transit? Yeah.

They do? Yeah.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Ma'am,

is there a name I should clear for security?

Oh, yeah, I'm going to have a few; just give me a sec.

I'm inviting a bunch of friends over

while I hide from the press.

Hi, it's Becca.

Yeah, I was wondering if maybe you wanted

to come over and hang...

Oh, grad school in Boston.

Oh, that's so cool.

Good for you.

M.I.T.

Paris. A tank?

Oh, a think tank.

Wow.

Tenure-- that was fast.

A think tank?

Oh, a tank tank.

Thank you for your service.

Me? Oh, you know,

just setting stuff up and knocking it down.

(phone beeps off)

So, no names

to clear?

(quietly): No.

EMILY: Thank you

for meeting with me, Mrs. Stitchcomb.

Just so we're clear,

I never give anyone any special treatment.

Oh, no, of course not.

We expect to be treated like everyone else.

I mean, I didn't even vote for your husband.

I don't know how that's relevant,

but the important thing is, you voted.

I donated a lot of money to his opponent.

Anyway, I am here to talk about Xander.

If you're going to ask if Jessica is responsible

for tearing down his posters, that's wild speculation.

We would never do anything like that.

I'm sorry, did you say "we"?

I'm helping her with her campaign.

Well, I'm just wondering, is that fair?

Xander has an unfair advantage.

You're a political consultant

and your husband is "president."

He really is the president,

so there's no need for air quotes.

Well, until he limits my freedom of speech,

I'll continue to "use them."

Thank you for your time.

(Jessica giggling)

You want to win this thing?

Yeah.

Good, because you're either

leaving here as president or in a body bag.

I feel like I went too far.

I liked it.

ALL: Dale pollutes the air!

Dale pollutes the air, Dale pollutes the air!

You've got to be kidding me.

Dale pollutes the air, Dale pollutes the air!

Hey, look, everybody,

it's White House Press Secretary Marshall Malloy,

and he brought us snacks.

That's my lunch.

What are you doing out here?

Making sure my future half-Asian child

never says, "Daddy, remember trees?"

Do you even know what you're protesting about?

Yes, I do.

My dad is awesome in a lot of ways,

but he is way less awesome

when it comes to forward-leaning transportation policies.

Do you know how stressful my job is?

I can't physically grow a goatee anymore,

so please come inside before you make a scene.

PROTESTERS: Dale pollutes the air!

Okay.

Thank you. Dale pollutes the air!

I am going to go present our demands

to the president of the United States!

(protesters cheering)

I'm also gonna get a sandwich 'cause this is awful!

PROTESTERS: Dale pollutes the air!

And tomorrow the candidates for office will face off

at a noon rally.

This just in:

Wednesday is pizza day.

I'm still at the school helping Xander.

(phones ringing) No, I am not going overboard.

All right, I love you, too.

All right, war room,

first order of business: we need to change the name

of the campaign committee.

What's wrong with the Xander Men?

How about just the X-Men?

I can't believe we didn't think of that. It was right there.

These are our voting blocks.

The key for us is going to be the A/V club.

Control the media, control the message.

I'm not really good at talking to children.

Xander, you're going to have to get

out of your comfort zone and go out and talk to your classmates

'cause the competitor is out there getting

the boys to vote for her

by showing them her bra strap.

Isn't that right, Sam?

Dude! Okay,

now let's hear this speech you wrote.

We are under the tyranny of a collectivist education system.

All right, I'm just going to have to stop you right there.

Maybe we start warmer

with something like,

"Friends of Darby Prep, I stand before you

not as a political candidate

but as a concerned student."

Hmm, you think that'll work?

I can't believe how great everybody's doing.

Why didn't I make more loser friends?

Oh, my God, I'm their loser friend, aren't I?

This is bananas.

I should be heading off to Yale Law,

but I had to defer

because my uterus is a matter of national gossip.

I think the point is,

if I weren't pregnant right now, I would be, like...

(clicks tongue) ...just killing it,

you know, life-wise.

(exhales quietly) Wow.

I got to tell you, it feels really good

to just get this off my chest.

It is kind of weird that you have

to just stand there and listen to me.

Yes, ma'am.

I mean, it's kind of your job to just...

listen to me.

Thank you for this caucus.

Mmm, this is not a caucus, and I only have a few minutes.

I'll keep this caucus brief.

So, I was speaking to the protesters outside,

and according to them,

"The president's budget is a train robbery

because it robs from mass transit,"

which is both a clever play on words

and something I agree with. Skip,

yes, we want to invest in public transit.

But as we do, we can't let our roads crumble, can we?

No.

No, that would be so awful.

I appreciate their cause, but

as president, I need to look at the big picture.

Boom, mind blown.

Thank you for setting me straight, Dad.

No problem.

I'm just glad to see you take an interest in my work.

You know, we can have chats like this anytime.

I'd like that.

P.S., I said a lot of crazy-- some might say vicious--

things about you out there, and I'm so sorry.

Apology accepted.

I would just steer clear of YouTube for a week,

you know, just avoid Top Videos and stuff.

I mean, I had a plan.

Law school, then an appellate clerkship,

then a Supreme Court clerkship,

then two years at a big law firm

or the Justice Department,

then maybe I take a run

at Dad's old congressional seat, you know,

depending on the political climate

in Nevada at the time, of course.

I mean, I can't predict everything.

But then... (imitates explosion)

And the only reason that I am pregnant is because I had

one dumb fling after my boyfriend dumped me.

You know, I really thought we might get back together.

I mean, once you go press secretary,

you never go back, am I right?

(laughs) Oh, my...

Now I've said too much.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

No, I won't.

That's right.

It's the Secret Service.

Becca, my shift is up,

so I'm gonna head out.

(sighs) Is that our time?

Wow, feel like we really made good progress today.

Do you really think that you are going to be president?

XANDER: Heck, yes.

The A/V club--

they're doing a puff piece.

This is a real setback for us.

What is your favorite color?

(Xander speaks indistinctly)

REPORTER: Orange, and why?

Hey, Marigold, what's up?

Good-- nothing.

Hey, Jessica, you're talking to me.

Of course I am, silly.

Why wouldn't I?

So, it seems like your brother is starting to kick my butt.

Yeah, he's small but crafty.

I just wish I knew what else

Xander had planned for his campaign.

(chuckles) Yeah.

You probably know, right?

I mean, you guys live in the same house.

Oh, no, he is way too paranoid

to keep any of that stuff laying around.

It's probably all buried in his locker somewhere.

Marigold, you're a real friend.

(whispering): Frosting.

PROTESTERS: Dale failed, Dale failed...

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hi there.

So sorry to interrupt the D-circle.

So, I successfully met with the president.

All right! Yes, yes, thank you for that applause.

The president will not meet your demands.

Nor should he, for several reasons

that I did not write down.

But the important thing is,

you were all personally denied

by the president of the United States.

Did you even ask your dad why he's defunding light rail?

What about trolleys?

What about trolleys?

How was your day? Oh, you know.

America. Mm.

How was yours?

Quiet.

I ran a focus group of tweens for Xander's campaign

and organized a tiny rapid response operation.

I may have gone a little overboard.

I'm pretty proud of my own

little parenting victory with Skip. Oh, yeah?

It's not often that I feel like I get through to him.

But I think I really did this time.

Tomorrow we rise!

So, any plans for today?

I think I might just stay in again.

I've been hanging with Sandy, my lead agent.

You guys getting close? Well, sort of.

I mean, she hardly says anything, but I'm sure

that she's, you know, bound by some rules

that say they have to stay professional or something.

I'm super-close with my guy.

We talk all day.

Pete's one of my best pals.

The other day, he told this joke about a rabbi and a priest.

Or two priests... I don't remember.

But the number was important to the joke.

So she's choosing not to talk to me?

You got to check out this sandwich that he ate yesterday.

Pete. (laughs) Ooh.

(guitar strumming upbeat tune)

* The future's at stake and that's why we're fussin' *

* For trains and bikeways and some natural gas bussin' *

* So get on up off your fannies *

* We're America's mass trannies. *

(plays flourish, song ends)

(applause)

Thank you. Thank you.

Kyle and I wrote that for all of you.

For the struggle. (loud, deep horn honks)

Yeah, we should move for the street sweeper.

Wait. Hold up. Hold up. Maxie, Sammie, Diego, hang on.

Are we going to let government take away our right

to peacefully assemble?

No. Not today.

It's just Fridays, noon to 2:00.

It's not a big deal.

You shall not pass!

(horn toots)

Hey, just one more thing for the brief.

MAN (over TV): ...the street sweeper outside the White House.

Is that Skip? He appears to be stopping

the sweeper from cleaning our Capitol streets.

I don't know if that's a statement...

MARSHALL: Skip is

absolutely, totally...

a great guy who just cares too much, is his problem.

Screw it. Let's bring 'em all inside.

(phones ringing)

(drumming continues)

MALE ANNOUNCER: Students, please settle down so our candidate forum can begin.

You ready for this?

Yeah. Am I?

Yeah!

And now we'll, uh, hear a speech from our first candidate,

Jessica Simons.

(applause)

Friends of Darby Prep, I stand before you...

Listen, I just want to thank...

...not as a political candidate,

but as a concerned student.

What's happening?

She stole my speech!

How did she even get it?

We need someone to effectively convey our needs

to Principal Hoopley.

(indistinct, overlapping chatter)

Marshall, fix your face.

So much dirty flannel.

All right, please. Please.

(chatter continues)

Please. (chatter stops)

Thank you. Welcome to the White House.

Thank you very much for this caucus, Father.

Still not a caucus.

So, what can I do for you?

MAN: Mr. President, we need

more investment in mass transportation.

Specifically, high-speed rail, which is our top priority.

Mark makes a hell of a point.

Hell of a point, Mark. Fast trains.

Trains so fast, the world passes by in a blur,

and boom, you're in Kansas,

and you've never been there before.

That's our top priority?

What about light rail? Trolleys, man.

Oh, God, enough with the trolleys, Carol.

Some internal dissent here.

We should be talking about clean energy.

Solar. Wind.

Soybeans. Like edamame.

We've had edamame. (overlapping chatter)

I'm the spokesman.

It's like a marketplace of ideas, really.

Believe it or not,

this is actually not my worst meeting today.

So, on your ballot, remember,

"X" marks the spot for... Jessica.

(applause)

She didn't even change the ending. This is just wrong.

You don't have to go up there, Xander.

Let's tell the principal what she did.

No, I'm giving a speech. But you don't have your speech.

Actually, I don't have your speech.

But I need to be tough, like Dad said.

I'll figure something out.

You're right. You got this.

All I need is...

Jessica, thanks for those rousing words.

Sounds like

someone got a grown-up to write her speech.

(laughter)

But we don't need them to tell us what to think,

or what to say, do we?

(all voicing assent)

I know this, because yesterday, thanks to some

good advice, I did something I never do.

I talked to some of you.

April Patterson is a hall monitor.

She just wants a new sash

and for people to stop throwing things at her.

Cody Jones is an average sixth grader.

All he wants is for someone

to explain to him the appeal of French kissing.

And most of you want our school

to have a soda machine.

The administration says no.

They say it's not healthy.

But we need to learn to make choices for ourselves.

What is this, Leningrad?

(crowd murmuring)

We know soda is bad for us.

It's liquid poison turning us into a nation of sad fatsos.

So we don't want a soda machine.

We want what it represents:

a proxy of individual responsibility.

Do we not want this proxy?

He's saying we should have a soda machine.

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

CROWD: Soda! Soda! Soda...!

I will get you a soda machine!

Today we rise!

(cheering, chanting continues)

CROWD (chanting): Soda! Soda! Soda! Soda!

Mmm.

Well, I'm glad we've all calmed down.

You can thank the hot cocoa.

It's not important whose idea that was.

Look, I appreciate your passion and your patriotism,

and I'm going to keep fighting for more mass transit,

and I want you to keep pushing me, okay?

Because I can take it.

Some of those signs are pretty clever. (laughter)

People looking past their differences,

discovering we're all human.

We're all human.

President Gilchrist, shake hands with America.

Ah.

(laughs) Great.

Well, thanks for coming, everybody. I appreciate it.

Thank you guys.

Sir, I don't mean to alarm you,

but word got out about this little caucus.

Marshall, it's not a caucus. Whatever you want to call it,

there are 10,000 people outside demanding a meeting with you.

Right. That's why we don't do this.

That's a lot of people.

I don't know how the hell you're gonna shake all those hands.

Not cool, Sandy.

Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am?

I was spilling my guts to you,

and you just sat there in silence.

Like that! I thought it was some kind of rule, but it's not.

Why didn't you want to talk to me?

With all due respect,

while you were complaining,

all I could think was, wow, what awesome problems.

You're a brilliant, beautiful, 22-year-old girl

who's going to do amazing things.

And yeah, you're pregnant,

but you're gonna make that work, too, and

I'm 37 and single.

It's probably not gonna happen for me,

because men find me intimidating.

But really, I'm just a strong,

confident, broad-shouldered,

statuesque, heterosexual woman

who's looking for a man who can handle it.

Wow.

Yeah, wow.

I get it.

Thanks, Sandy.

You're welcome.

Do you ever think about maybe wearing your hair down?

Do you think that would help?

It might.

Awesome speech.

Why'd you tell them about the French kissing thing?

Great speech, Xander.

I'm so proud of you.

You're embarrassing me, Mom!

He's never called me Mom before.

Yeah.

My ex-husband left me for a man.

(glasses clink)

I guess you have this to thank for your victory.

Congrats, son.

Thanks, Dad.

So, how was your day?

Mm, people don't understand the pressures of the job.

The competing interests.

You try to be honest, but the voters just hear

what they want to hear.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Ain't that the truth.

President Gilchrist?

Yes? Yes?

It's bedtime.

Good night, son.

We received a tip that implicates Jessica Simons

in the break-in of Xander Gilchrist's locker.

Footage of the break-in was captured

by the school's security cameras.

We have reason to believe

that Simons stole Gilchrist's speech.

It is A/V Club's policy not to reveal our sources,

so the informant's identity may never be known.

More as this story develops.