Original subtitles

MAN: So, Mika, if I decide

I'm not gonna wear socks,

I'm not gonna wear socks.

I love a slow news day.

MIKA: I've got a story that's actually gonna keep

everyone talking: stunning audio

that appears to reveal

First Daughter Becca Gilchrist is pregnant.

MAN: What?

MIKA: After a recent interview,

the First Lady and daughter apparently

left their mics on; take a listen.

BECCA: What if one time I actually

let loose and made a mistake?

EMILY: It would be healthy.

BECCA: I'm pregnant.

EMILY: It's okay. You're gonna be okay.

EMILY: Did you see that?

Um, yes, ma'am, I did see that.

And as the press secretary,

I can tell you I did not like seeing that.

All right, well, let's just stay calm.

Oh, my God! I know.

Does the president know?

How could you let us leave our mics on?

Wait, this is my fault?

Oh, aren't you the big media expert?

I'm not a sound guy!

Does the president know?

No! No!

(exhales)

Dad?

(stopwatch beeps)

30.26 seconds, Dad.

Another near personal best.

Remember, keep the strokes efficient, bud.

Skip, I'm just exercising.

You don't have to time me.

You don't have to time me...?

I'm not calling you "coach." Coach.

There it is. I got you to say it.

All right, time for free swim.

(whistle blows)

Skip,

you've been hanging around the pool a lot.

Have you given any thought to finding a job?

100%, Dad. I'm just using the extra time

to unwind from the stress of college.

You were there for seven years. All you did was unwind.

Hey, watch how long I can hold my breath.

Hey, guys.

Something going on?

I, um... (phone rings)

CNN's got it.

Fox has got it.

Al Jazeera has got it.

I'm pregnant.

(gasps for air)

Time?

Dad!

You said you'd watch.

* Oh, whoa-oh-oh, whoa.

(deep breath)

So...

Look, I know this is a lot to take in

at once, everyone. Becca's not a girl anymore.

Sure, it's messy, but that's life.

Life finds a way.

But I, for one, am excited.

I'm gonna be an uncle... I'm gonna be an uncle?

My sister's having a baby. I'm not a kid anymore.

Um, you know what, I'm starting to feel woo... all...

it's... I want to say light-woozy?

To be fair, this is partially my fault.

I came into this meeting with very low blood sugar,

which was really chancing it.

So, what happened?

Well, um...

I met a guy...

at a party.

It was one night.

Damn it, Becca. Do you even know his name?

Oh, my God, Dad, yes.

I know his nickname.

He goes by D.B.

Um, he said he was in the Navy.

Which we acknowledge might've been a lie.

Emily, you want to let me do this?

Yeah, I'm backup. I'm here if you need me.

I can't believe that

you got yourself in this situation.

I mean, what about your future?

What about law school?

I don't know... I'll-I'll defer.

Dad, I... I made a mistake.

That's just it.

You're supposed to be the responsible one.

Recklessness is what I expect from...

Jackpot!

I put this here.

And you didn't tell me.

You didn't tell me.

Now, it's that much harder

to protect you from every dingus

with a press badge.

How many times have I told you guys?

EMILY AND BECCA: Reporters are the worst people in the world.

Expiration dates are there for a reason. Sir?

They're holding for you in the Situation Room.

All right.

We'll talk about this later.

I guess?

I'll be right back.

(loud crinkling)

EMILY: Dale.

Casey, can you give us a minute?

Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

How could you keep this from me? I tell you everything.

I mean, not the launch codes

and black ops.

Okay, fine, there's a ton of stuff I keep from you.

But not family stuff!

I promised; she trusted me.

You know our relationship is still a work in progress.

I appreciate the hell out of that kind

of operational security, but I'm her father!

Well, she wanted to tell you, but she was afraid!

Of what?! Of that.

What?! That!

MAN: Here we have our artist

rendition of Becca Gilchrist at seven months.

Look at the girth on that.

Wow. How'd they get that picture of you?

You're probably not gonna want to watch the news today.

Or answer your phone. Or leave the building.

It might be a good day for a puzzle.

Is Dad gonna have to say something?

Given his current state of mind, I hope not.

But you should probably prepare a statement.

I can help write it if you want. You just have

to tell me what happened. Not that I want to pry.

It's just that logistically speaking...

I'll write the statement, Marshall.

All right. I've cleared my schedule

so that I can get Xander and Marigold from school.

'Cause I don't want them to hear this from a classmate.

(sighing): Oh, the kids.

Emily, it is really important to me

that I'm the one to tell them, okay?

Okay. I screwed up telling

everybody else. I just...

I really need them to hear this from me.

I promise.

You'll be the one to tell them.

Think about that statement.

Marshall! Bye!

(phone chimes)

Ugh!

How'd they get that picture?

Sis, you need to relax,

get your mind off things. (phone chimes)

I really think you should come with me to the pool.

I can't. I have to write a sober, thoughtful statement

about the one time I tried a Jell-O shot and its consequences.

You know what you need to do? You need to put your phone away.

I used to love

my Google alerts. It was like...

Okay, Becca, look at me.

(quietly): Close your eyes.

That's it.

Now breathe.

(phone chimes)

Skip! (phone chimes)

Marshall said not to check your phone anyway!

(phone chimes) Skip, give that to me!

Look, I know this is annoying and although it seems

like I'm making this up on the fly, which I am,

there's a method to my madness! Skip!

Becca, do you realize that you're mostly made of water?

Come home.

Give it to me.

Come and get it.

(phone chimes)

(gasping): Skip.

Get my phone!

Why? I threw it in the pool.

It's not a phone anymore.

(frustrated grunt)

(gasps)

(groans) Marco!

...and having boots on the ground has paid dividends.

It's the only reason we've been able to confirm that this cell

is actively pursuing targets within the country.

This is the first I'm hearing of it.

Uh, yes, sir. We, uh...

What else aren't you telling me? Sir?

Are you guys afraid to tell me stuff?

Is that it? Oh...

Well, sir, we only bring it to your attention

when we feel like the information is good and baked.

But then it's too late!

Then everybody knows but me.

And all of a sudden I'm caught off guard

by some rogue force waltzing in and defiling her... us...

the country.

(generals muttering)

You guys have kids, right? Mm-hmm.

Two.

(sighs)

EMILY: Sorry to be the best stepmom ever

and make you guys miss school.

Some giant political thing must be happening, huh? No.

MAN: And hope you're having a smooth afternoon.

Wild news coming out of the White House, MSN...

MAN 2: La hija del Presidente Gilchrist

está teniendo un bebé... Hush! Stop it!

(chuckles)

Everything's fine. XANDER: Emily, the fact that

you're not telling us what's going on means that it's big.

The fact that you're absconding with us without alerting

our classmates means you don't want to incite panic.

Therefore, I believe that a meteor is headed towards Earth.

No. No.

It's not, if but when, Marigold.

So if it's not a political thing,

is it, like, a family thing?

Don't worry about it.

So it is a family thing. Okay,

no more guessing. Family thing that's

big enough to take us out of school...

Look at these trees, you guys. They're so green.

Did you look? Look. Look at the outside window. Oh!

Maybe somebody's visiting.

Mm. No, that's not big enough.

Unless it's a family member we've never met before.

How could we not have met them? That doesn't make sense.

Oh! I got it. Maybe somebody's... We are going on vacation!

Really? It's not a meteor?

We wanted to surprise you, but you guys

are so smart, you got me.

We're going on a surprise vacation!

XANDER and MARIGOLD: Whoo! Yeah!

XANDER and MARIGOLD (chanting): Vacation, vacation...

Vacation, vacation... Oh, don't get too excited.

Vacation, vacation, vacation... I wouldn't want you to end up horribly disappointed.

WOMAN: Is the President disappointed? MAN: Who's the father?

Guys, guys, guys.

This is a private family matter.

EMILY: Come on. Go to your rooms.

I told you we're going on a trip.

Time to go... pack for that trip.

Yikes!

Okay.

(sighs) Come on, Becca. Answer your phone.

(sighs) It's so warm in here.

I know. I like to keep it at 90 degrees.

It's soothing. Like a broth.

EMILY: Come on.

Pick up. Wait. Where are we going?

XANDER: Do we pack for hot weather or cold weather? Both!

Whatever! I've already said way too much. Get in your rooms

and pack. You are the best stepmom ever.

Oh... I am not.

Okay, go, go, go, go.

DALE: Why would she not

feel safe to open up to me?

I'm her father. I love her.

What am I missing here?

Uh, well, sir, when you get bad news,

your personality can be, uh...

...not good.

I don't take bad news well? It's...

kind of a "shoot the messenger" situation, sir.

Well, who does

takes bad news well? And what is the proper etiquette?

Should I cheer and blow bubbles?

No, no. No one's saying that, sir.

Not at all, sir. This is

the most ridiculous assessment you guys have ever made,

and I'm including your approval of the XR-67.

I'm sorry, sir.

I... I thought it would be cool

if it was amphibious.

I remember getting that bad news.

And what did I say then?

You said to get my head out of my ass. And what happened?

I got my head out of my ass, sir.

That's called leadership.

Yes, sir, but... (sighs)

it never works that way with your family.

Iced tea?

Lemonade? Arnold Palmer?

I'm good. All right, suit yourself.

You know, I was thinking

now that Dad's gonna be mad at me forever,

probably gonna lighten up on the whole you getting a job thing.

Dad just doesn't understand my whole approach.

When you're looking for a career, you don't find a job;

a job finds you. That's the secret.

That's not the secret. That's the se...

No, I read the book; that's the secret.

Heh, well, what do I know?

Hey, uh, Bec, can I ask you a question?

Mm-hmm. How did the wh...

whole with the, um...

(whistles) how did that happen?

Well, uh, I was dating...

someone, and... we broke up.

I was really hurt. My friends, they were,

like, "Oh, you should just have a meaningless fling

to get over it," which is not something that I do ever.

No. Me, either. I never... Go on.

They point out this guy who's nice and definitely hot.

Drinks were involved.

Precautions were not taken, and... here I am,

floating for two.

You remember how good I was at babysitting you?

Well, I'm available 24/7.

Unless NASA calls, which they almost certainly won't.

They could. They could call.

EMILY: Oh, Becca! There you are.

Great! Hi. Hi, Skip.

Becca, can you come talk to Marigold and Xander?

I didn't tell them anything,

but I really need you to come right now.

Come right now! SKIP: Uh, Momily,

this sounds like a "land problem."

We don't have those problems

here in the Skipcif... in the PaSkip...

here in the Skiplantic Ocean.

BECCA: Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just

I'm not insanely stressed out for the first time

in... forever, and I just...

could you maybe keep a lid on things

with the kids just a little while longer?

Well, here's the thing: everything is still...

(clicks tongue) but it wasn't easy,

'cause those kids are frickin' smart.

So it actually would be best if you...

BECCA: Oh, my God, Emily, I am

in a really good head space right now.

Can't you please just give me this?

Yes, I can.

You know, as a father,

sometimes the best weapon in your arsenal

is the hug.

A hug as a weapon? I like it.

Yeah. I try to talk

to my son, but he says, "You don't know me."

Well, I'm, like, "Well, let me know you.

Let me in," you know?

I know where you're coming from. Yeah.

I can't get through to mine.

It's like I'm talking to aliens.

What was that book you were talking about it?

It breaks anger down into four parts:

the physical, the behavioral...

Personally, I think the Buddhists

have a lot to teach us.

You know, there's actually a great daddy blog that I go to...

DALE: You know what I think it is?

Becca had these amazing plans for herself.

We had such high expectations.

She was always...

Perfect?

Yeah. Maybe that's why

she was afraid to tell you.

(others murmur in agreement)

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Thanks, guys.

Uh, sir?

Congratulations on your first grandchild.

Thank you.

Oh, and that terror cell, that's confirmed?

Yes, sir, 100%.

Take 'em out.

And really good talk.

(chuckling)

Do you think I'm stupid?

Nope. No.

We're not going on vacation, are we?

Okay.

Listen... I know what's really happening.

You're pregnant, aren't you?

M...

I...

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

I knew it! Shh...

I don't want Xander to know.

Let's just let him think he's still going on vacation.

'Cause the actual truth is really gonna mess with his mind.

(whispers): You got it. I'll keep packing.

(quietly): Out of the pool, Becca!

(door closes)

XANDER: Do you think I'm stupid?

(quietly): Oh, God.

We're not going on vacation, are we?

Nope.

There is a meteor headed towards Earth.

Yes, there is.

I knew it!

Has the military been alerted? Yes, and they have

informed me there's a hundred percent chance

of it being shot down. I'm sure their projections

are wildly optimistic. Hello, Vietnam.

Mm. Which is why we're headed for a shelter, right?

'Kay, Xander... I won't tell Marigold.

She's not as strong as me.

Let her have this

"vacation"

a little while longer.

(quiet squeal)

*

(quietly): Oh, where is she?!

SKIP: You know, a lot of people think

that the key to s'mores is the chocolate,

but it's really the marshmallow...

and the graham crackers... and the chocolate.

Why aren't we just using our own kitchen?

'Cause I'm taking you to the beating heart of the kitchen system, Bec!

The microwave in there is crazy powerful.

One time I set it for four hours

instead of four minutes, and it totally

ruined those jeans.

REPORTERS: Becca! Oh, Becca! Becca!

(reporters clamoring)

This is not the kitchen. Who's the father?

Hey, guys,

(reporters quiet) guys...

ma'am, please,

leave my sister alone, okay?

If you got write something about

the "crazy White House family," I'll take the bullet.

Write the article about me. I did, last week.

Oh, can you send me a link to that? You got it, Skip.

Thanks, Evan. Look, the point is,

there's nothing to see here.

This is not some salacious story.

My sister just broke up with a guy.

Her friends told her to, you know, blow off some steam,

have a one-night stand, so she did.

Who among us...? Am I right?

Just with a stranger? Look,

look, she doesn't even know the guy's name,

so don't bother asking!

(all stop talking)

I think we're done here.

(reporters clamoring)

Whoa, that was crazy in there.

Where do we stand on s'mores?

'Cause it's kind of getting close to dinner.

Do we just wait?

SKIP (on TV): Look, she doesn't even know the guy's name,

so don't bother asking!

MAN: And we will have continuing coverage as this story

gets more insane by the moment.

Wow.

I'm so sorry about this, Becca.

But do you know what the bright side is?

What? No, I'm legitimately asking,

'cause this seems like a disaster.

Aw, Skip,

why did I listen to you?

I should've been preparing a statement,

but you tricked me into relaxing like a lunatic!

EMILY: Everything's cool. Wh-Where are the kids?

A lot of stuff went down. They're both carrying suitcases

that they know they don't need to convince the other one

we're going on a vacation that we're not going on

to protect each other from the truth,

even though what they think is the truth

is actually a lie, respectively.

What? A lot of stuff went down.

Hi, guys.

Well, why does she think we're going on vacation?

Oh, I know the truth.

This is for the baby.

What?! You told her? Yes, I told her

that I'm having a baby.

You, too? What?

Stuff went down, man!

Sorry. I packed a lot because...

who knows how long we'll be down there?

At the resort.

Why is he going on vacation?

He's not.

Xander, Emily's gonna have a baby.

Is there enough room in the shelter?

There's no meteor, Xander.

Aw, come on!

What did you tell them?

A pack of lies, so that you

would trust me, and it worked.

See how confused they are? SKIP: Yeah.

I have no idea what's going on. So please,

(whispers): tell them.

MARIGOLD: Tell us what?

What's going on?

(exhales) Well...

I'm gonna have a baby, you guys.

What?!

Oh, wait. I knew that.

Whoa. Whoa.

EMILY: I earned your trust.

(toy squeaks)

I also contributed to this moment.

Well...

I'm... glad that you're all here.

NEWSMAN: Once again,

our top story: the first daughter...

I wanted to say...

...and a prominent blogger

has headlined his take--

these are his words, not mine--

"First Slut."

He writes: "Who did the First Daughter do,

and when did she do him?"

Yikes. Coverage of this story getting uglier

and uglier. Understand, now,

I'm not saying this; I'm reporting

on someone else saying this.

Sir, it might be a bad idea

to go in front of the press right now.

You don't like them on a good day,

and this is not a good day.

Sir, I just want to point out

that you are still walking towards the Briefing Room.

Um... sir...

I'm gay.

I accept you. Okay, I'm not gay,

but please don't go in there.

Sir, you know you have a temper.

(reporters clamoring)

I'll do the talking here.

DALE: There's nothing I'd love more than to come in here

and yell at you guys...

but we have a free press, so...

you do your job, I'll do mine...

Dad's looking good. Very presidential.

Shh!

DALE: Well... Shh.

one of my jobs is...

being a father, and today

I failed at that job.

So I'm gonna say something I should have said this morning.

My daughter is one of the sweetest,

smartest, strongest people that I know,

and she is gonna make a great mom.

And I'll be with her

every step of the way.

Oh, and, uh, we took out a terrorist cell today.

Bad dudes. We left nothing but rubble.

Marshall has the details.

(reporters clamoring)

You okay?

Yeah.

I'm sorry about what Skip did.

Oh, it's okay. You know,

hanging out with him in the pool actually got me through today.

Really?

Sometimes Skip knows exactly what to do.

And other times he'll eat a hot dog out of the pool filter.

(chuckles) You take the good with the bad.

(laughs)

SKIP: ...guys, guys, ma'am...

leave my sister alone, okay?

Skip.

Hi, Dad.

Just watching my clip.

Aside from the content,

I think I gave off kind of a bad-boy charm.

(laughs): Yeah.

Just, uh...

no more briefings, okay? Lot of people

have been telling me that.

Lot of people.

Sorry I screwed up, Dad.

No. Look...

your instincts were right.

You were protecting your sister, and other than

the horrific way in which you acted upon those instincts...

you did good.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, and by the way, what were you and Becca

doing all day in the pool? The usual.

Marco Polo, noodle races,

and then we were gonna make some...

Oh. Oh, no.