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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:38,111 Ham, I love that you made my pancake into a little face, 2 00:00:38,264 --> 00:00:39,354 but I regret to inform you 3 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:42,023 that now I simply cannot eat Gerard. 4 00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:43,600 Gonna have a tough life in Alaska 5 00:00:43,693 --> 00:00:45,449 if you can't bring yourself to eat a friend, doll. 6 00:00:45,529 --> 00:00:48,380 Okay, how about a piece of my practice flan instead? 7 00:00:48,457 --> 00:00:51,942 Dad ate most of them yesterday, but there's a few left. 8 00:00:52,035 --> 00:00:53,944 Figures. For centuries, men have been eating 9 00:00:54,037 --> 00:00:55,629 more than their fair share of the flan. 10 00:00:55,781 --> 00:00:57,114 Preach. Pigs. 11 00:00:57,132 --> 00:00:58,782 My brother's gonna be a celebrity 12 00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:02,119 for making the flan for a real, professional restaurant. 13 00:01:02,212 --> 00:01:03,954 You must feel like the non-famous Hemsworth 14 00:01:03,972 --> 00:01:05,564 - right about now? - Yep. 15 00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:07,232 Invisible but proud. 16 00:01:07,384 --> 00:01:08,734 Which menu will your flan be on? 17 00:01:08,961 --> 00:01:10,552 Regular, kids or seniors? 18 00:01:10,646 --> 00:01:12,145 - All three, baby. - Ooh-la-la. 19 00:01:12,298 --> 00:01:14,147 Holy hot dogs, Ham. 20 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:15,574 Hey, where's Dad? 21 00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:17,814 He usually only takes a three-and-a-half-minute shower, 22 00:01:17,894 --> 00:01:20,061 but he's been in there 14 minutes now. 23 00:01:20,155 --> 00:01:22,139 I mean, he's probably just way in the zone. 24 00:01:22,232 --> 00:01:24,399 Getting all those papa nooks and dad crannies. 25 00:01:24,493 --> 00:01:26,159 Wolf, how many times do I have to ask you 26 00:01:26,312 --> 00:01:27,494 not to say "dad crannies"? 27 00:01:27,646 --> 00:01:28,979 Many more, probably. 28 00:01:30,149 --> 00:01:31,149 Was that Dad? 29 00:01:32,576 --> 00:01:34,284 Dad, you okay in there? 30 00:01:34,336 --> 00:01:36,595 Perfect. 31 00:01:36,746 --> 00:01:38,079 Whoops. 32 00:01:38,173 --> 00:01:39,098 Closing the door. 33 00:01:39,249 --> 00:01:40,599 But, Dad... 34 00:01:40,750 --> 00:01:41,600 sounds like you're in pain? 35 00:01:41,751 --> 00:01:42,751 I am fine, son. 36 00:01:44,087 --> 00:01:46,663 Just having a little pain in my midsection. 37 00:01:46,756 --> 00:01:48,440 And chest. And back. 38 00:01:48,592 --> 00:01:49,942 - Chest? - And back. 39 00:01:50,018 --> 00:01:51,835 Probably just pulled some muscles. 40 00:01:51,854 --> 00:01:52,927 You want me to... 41 00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,504 come in and get your towel for you? 42 00:01:54,598 --> 00:01:57,449 No, thank you, son. I shall use nature's towel... 43 00:01:57,676 --> 00:01:58,766 Standing here. 44 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,452 Hey, Dad. 45 00:02:00,604 --> 00:02:02,437 - You doing okay? - Do not worry, Ham. 46 00:02:02,531 --> 00:02:04,790 Just pulled a few muscles in the shower. 47 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:08,352 Makes perfect sense, but may I also suggest you see a doctor? 48 00:02:08,370 --> 00:02:11,779 Nonsense. I'll go see the magical glacial water pipe 49 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:14,374 in Death Cliff today and drink its healing waters. 50 00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:17,285 - - Mother Pipe? - Dad, that's a very cool legend, 51 00:02:17,363 --> 00:02:20,973 but maybe we see a real doctor instead of a leaky metal tube. 52 00:02:21,124 --> 00:02:21,865 No, thank you. 53 00:02:21,884 --> 00:02:22,808 Now, if you'll excuse me, 54 00:02:22,959 --> 00:02:25,293 I better get ready for my journey. 55 00:02:26,463 --> 00:02:28,538 That's good. 56 00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:30,482 - Oop. - - Dad butt! 57 00:02:30,709 --> 00:02:32,209 Good thinking, towel. 58 00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:34,211 I am perfectly dry. 59 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:37,656 So the crooked butt crack runs in the family. 60 00:02:37,883 --> 00:02:40,567 - Yeah. - - My poops come out in a curlicue 61 00:02:40,719 --> 00:02:42,161 like soft-serve ice cream. 62 00:02:42,388 --> 00:02:43,809 Well, it was great to see you, veronica. 63 00:02:43,889 --> 00:02:46,056 We can't let two years go by again. 64 00:02:46,225 --> 00:02:47,945 I was relieved when you reached out to me. 65 00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:50,151 Funny story... I thought you were dead. 66 00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:51,503 Really? - Yeah. 67 00:02:51,655 --> 00:02:53,397 Everyone in Fresno said you followed some guy 68 00:02:53,415 --> 00:02:55,065 into the wilderness. 69 00:02:55,083 --> 00:02:56,824 I've seen Dateline, Honeybee. 70 00:02:56,993 --> 00:02:58,235 I know how those stories end. 71 00:02:58,253 --> 00:02:59,994 I didn't just follow a guy. 72 00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,329 I fell in love. 73 00:03:01,423 --> 00:03:03,348 Is someone making you say that right now? 74 00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:05,500 Blink three times if yes. 75 00:03:05,594 --> 00:03:07,274 - I just got married and moved away. - Okay, 76 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:11,339 it's just... If anything, a guy should be following you. 77 00:03:11,508 --> 00:03:12,916 Crap, I got to go. 78 00:03:13,009 --> 00:03:15,176 My neighbor's kid is looking through my window again. 79 00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:16,645 Get out of here, Hans! 80 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,773 Bye, Honeybee. Don't lose yourself up there. 81 00:03:19,925 --> 00:03:20,774 Whatever, Veronica. 82 00:03:20,926 --> 00:03:22,034 I didn't follow a guy. 83 00:03:22,261 --> 00:03:24,277 I'm a leader. In fact, I'm gonna lead myself 84 00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:25,779 on a walk around the property. 85 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,277 And because I want to, not because it's one 86 00:03:27,357 --> 00:03:30,209 of the only things you can do around this place. 87 00:03:31,937 --> 00:03:33,212 Okay. 88 00:03:34,122 --> 00:03:35,547 There she is, Mother Pipe. 89 00:03:35,699 --> 00:03:37,716 Alaska's doctor. 90 00:03:37,867 --> 00:03:39,443 Sweet mountain nectar. 91 00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:46,283 Thank you, dear Mother. 92 00:03:46,301 --> 00:03:49,043 I have suckled and been made whole. 93 00:03:52,215 --> 00:03:53,881 Better go have one more sip 94 00:03:53,976 --> 00:03:55,901 to heal these fresh wounds. 95 00:03:59,389 --> 00:04:01,481 I mean, who does Veronica think she is? 96 00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:03,242 So what if I moved up here for a guy? 97 00:04:03,469 --> 00:04:04,801 What, I should have stayed in Fresno, 98 00:04:04,820 --> 00:04:05,969 working at the curtain store? 99 00:04:05,988 --> 00:04:07,579 My dad playing Steely Dan all day? 100 00:04:07,731 --> 00:04:09,581 Ooh. What in the... 101 00:04:09,658 --> 00:04:11,065 "Wife"? 102 00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,734 That's all they put on this lady's grave? 103 00:04:12,828 --> 00:04:13,977 No name? 104 00:04:14,070 --> 00:04:15,509 Well, maybe there's something on the back. 105 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:16,738 Nope. 106 00:04:16,832 --> 00:04:17,814 You poor girl. 107 00:04:17,907 --> 00:04:19,307 You got to be more than just "Wife." 108 00:04:19,485 --> 00:04:20,739 I got to get to the bottom of this. 109 00:04:20,819 --> 00:04:22,986 All right, Wife, you wait right here, which... 110 00:04:23,005 --> 00:04:24,654 you have to, 'cause you're dead. 111 00:04:24,823 --> 00:04:26,265 I-I'll be right back. 112 00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:29,009 Thanks for taking me by the grocery store. 113 00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,995 I still can't believe you can buy a fully cooked chicken 114 00:04:32,014 --> 00:04:33,346 every single day. 115 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,015 Good. 116 00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:37,592 And they did not skimp on the bones. 117 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,002 Hey, kids. 118 00:04:39,095 --> 00:04:40,428 Your dad went to suck on that drainage pipe 119 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,031 or whatever it is, so he sent us to get you. 120 00:04:44,434 --> 00:04:47,101 So, guys, have you seen this grave out in the woods 121 00:04:47,195 --> 00:04:48,678 - that's just labeled "Wife"? - Yep. 122 00:04:48,697 --> 00:04:51,515 I have that grave marked on my cemetery map of Lone Moose 123 00:04:51,533 --> 00:04:53,366 for when the zombie apocalypse starts. 124 00:04:53,519 --> 00:04:55,519 Hell if Wife is gonna eat my brain. 125 00:04:55,537 --> 00:04:56,866 Well, she's eating my brain already, 126 00:04:56,946 --> 00:04:58,112 'cause she's all I can think about. 127 00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:00,132 That poor woman is just lying out there 128 00:05:00,283 --> 00:05:01,541 in a hole marked "Wife." 129 00:05:01,693 --> 00:05:02,876 Not even a name. 130 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,466 I've seen that grave, like, a million times 131 00:05:04,546 --> 00:05:06,638 and just kind of shrugged it off as vintage sexism, 132 00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:09,290 but, yeah, no one deserves to just be thrown in a hole 133 00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:11,201 and labeled with the W-word. 134 00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:13,478 Unless the W-word is "Wassup." 135 00:05:13,630 --> 00:05:15,555 Can you even imagine that on a grave? 136 00:05:15,707 --> 00:05:17,374 I think I'm gonna do a little research 137 00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:18,800 and find out who this woman was. 138 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,557 Maybe I can share her accomplishments with the world. 139 00:05:20,637 --> 00:05:22,729 - I'm in. - Let's dig up her secrets. 140 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,898 And maybe her jewelry. 141 00:05:28,144 --> 00:05:29,144 Hey, Dad. 142 00:05:29,237 --> 00:05:31,145 That's a pretty fun noise you're making. 143 00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:34,333 You aren't by any chance still in pain, are you, Father? 144 00:05:34,484 --> 00:05:36,484 Nope. I suckled the pipe, 145 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:40,672 and her nectars are at this very moment coating my insides 146 00:05:40,824 --> 00:05:42,156 in a thick layer of health. 147 00:05:42,234 --> 00:05:44,992 Good, 'cause my flan reveal is at lunch tomorrow, 148 00:05:45,087 --> 00:05:47,346 and I need you at full eating strength. 149 00:05:47,573 --> 00:05:49,181 Hey. Slippity Dips is starting. 150 00:05:49,332 --> 00:05:50,665 In our first slippity clip, 151 00:05:50,759 --> 00:05:52,926 a mailman named Floyd makes a... 152 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,744 Floyd-ian slip. 153 00:05:56,915 --> 00:05:59,916 - Dad? - Dad, we really should get you to the doctor. 154 00:06:00,009 --> 00:06:01,026 Like, now. 155 00:06:01,177 --> 00:06:02,176 Nonsense. 156 00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:03,253 In this next slip, 157 00:06:03,346 --> 00:06:05,364 a child falls in a ravine. 158 00:06:05,591 --> 00:06:06,606 In a funny way. 159 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,431 Guys, I'm hella worried about Dad. 160 00:06:14,449 --> 00:06:15,523 I googled his symptoms, 161 00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,434 and it could be anything from muscle spasm 162 00:06:17,527 --> 00:06:20,379 to a heart attack to something called "haunted pancreas." 163 00:06:20,530 --> 00:06:22,272 I'm worried, too, but it's impossible 164 00:06:22,290 --> 00:06:23,715 to get that man to a doctor. 165 00:06:23,867 --> 00:06:26,109 Remember when one of his feet faced the wrong way 166 00:06:26,111 --> 00:06:27,110 for, like, a year? 167 00:06:27,129 --> 00:06:28,536 Of course. I had to tie the boot 168 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,371 on the backwards one every morning. 169 00:06:30,465 --> 00:06:32,132 But this isn't gonna be like that, 170 00:06:32,284 --> 00:06:33,541 because I have a plan. 171 00:06:33,635 --> 00:06:35,952 It's not just giving him compliments, is it? 172 00:06:35,954 --> 00:06:37,712 Yeah, there'll be a little of that, sure. 173 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:38,955 But here's what we do: 174 00:06:39,048 --> 00:06:41,549 we give him the doctor exam sneaky-style, 175 00:06:41,643 --> 00:06:42,567 right here at home. 176 00:06:42,644 --> 00:06:44,552 Fun. Dibs on nodding reassuringly 177 00:06:44,630 --> 00:06:46,296 while listening through a stethoscope. 178 00:06:46,389 --> 00:06:49,223 Okay, Operation HPV is a go... 179 00:06:49,317 --> 00:06:51,576 Heal Papa Victoriously. 180 00:06:51,803 --> 00:06:53,637 Love the plan, hate the name. 181 00:06:53,771 --> 00:06:54,971 All right, hands in. 182 00:06:55,064 --> 00:06:56,248 H-P... 183 00:06:56,399 --> 00:06:58,065 It's just gonna be me? 184 00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,334 Fine. V! 185 00:07:02,814 --> 00:07:05,498 Okay, here he comes. Time to get into our dad's body. 186 00:07:05,651 --> 00:07:07,259 My God. It's like you've never heard 187 00:07:07,486 --> 00:07:08,832 a word you've said. 188 00:07:12,457 --> 00:07:14,007 Hello, Father. 189 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,508 How was work this morning? 190 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:16,676 Good haul? 191 00:07:16,828 --> 00:07:18,586 Kill a lot of fish? 192 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,829 Cool, cool. 193 00:07:19,923 --> 00:07:22,107 And, brisk wind out on the sea? 194 00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:23,942 Any difficulty breathing? 195 00:07:24,093 --> 00:07:25,168 The breathing was... 196 00:07:25,337 --> 00:07:26,853 great. 197 00:07:27,005 --> 00:07:28,004 Dad, 198 00:07:28,023 --> 00:07:29,673 just, wondering, 199 00:07:29,675 --> 00:07:30,857 when you hauled the fish in, 200 00:07:31,026 --> 00:07:33,176 which of these faces did you feel like? 201 00:07:33,269 --> 00:07:35,436 None. Those guys are all hotter than me. 202 00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:36,513 Okay... 203 00:07:37,532 --> 00:07:39,199 Guys, I've got a big problem. 204 00:07:39,351 --> 00:07:40,942 I have a project for science class, 205 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,203 and the topic is older men's urine. 206 00:07:43,355 --> 00:07:44,871 I remember that unit. 207 00:07:45,023 --> 00:07:47,615 But I forgot to collect an older man's pee. 208 00:07:47,709 --> 00:07:48,858 Damn it. 209 00:07:48,952 --> 00:07:50,451 Guess I'll just fail. 210 00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:51,361 That sucks. 211 00:07:51,454 --> 00:07:52,804 Unless... 212 00:07:53,031 --> 00:07:56,123 Dad, could you pee in this cup and then write your name on it? 213 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,477 And then seal it? And then write today's date? 214 00:07:58,704 --> 00:07:59,794 And then give it back to me? 215 00:07:59,871 --> 00:08:01,371 I'll surely get an A. 216 00:08:01,464 --> 00:08:04,040 Yeah, with Dad's pee in your pocket, you can't lose. 217 00:08:04,209 --> 00:08:06,968 Gentlemen, I was not birthed yesterday. 218 00:08:07,062 --> 00:08:09,395 I see that you three are trying to give me 219 00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:12,382 some kind of at-home doctor's exam. 220 00:08:12,384 --> 00:08:15,719 Geez, Dad, all we asked for was a little bit of pee 221 00:08:15,737 --> 00:08:17,645 and suddenly we lose all trust? 222 00:08:17,739 --> 00:08:18,905 Son, cut it out. 223 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,890 My body is private, even to myself. 224 00:08:20,984 --> 00:08:24,244 That's why there's a curtain around it called "my skin." 225 00:08:24,396 --> 00:08:26,579 - But, Dad, you really should... - Put your "but, Dad" 226 00:08:26,748 --> 00:08:27,897 in your butt, son. 227 00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:29,582 Can no one hear themselves? 228 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,843 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to head back 229 00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:33,753 to Mother Pipe for another sip. 230 00:08:33,905 --> 00:08:37,090 But, Dad, my flan debuts at the restaurant today at lunch. 231 00:08:37,242 --> 00:08:38,742 You promised to go. 232 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,185 I'll meet you there at noo... 233 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,357 oon. 234 00:08:46,509 --> 00:08:49,269 Should we just take his pee by force? 235 00:08:49,421 --> 00:08:51,530 Damn it. If we can't get Dad to a doctor, 236 00:08:51,681 --> 00:08:53,273 maybe we can get a doctor to Dad. 237 00:08:53,349 --> 00:08:57,202 Yep. One way or another, we have got to push those D's together. 238 00:08:57,353 --> 00:08:59,037 Okay, now I'm doing it. 239 00:08:59,188 --> 00:09:01,188 All right, we know that Wife's grave 240 00:09:01,283 --> 00:09:02,766 is from 1888. 241 00:09:02,784 --> 00:09:05,101 And it says here that some very unprepared British settlers 242 00:09:05,103 --> 00:09:07,087 came here to join some other European idiots 243 00:09:07,196 --> 00:09:08,213 around that time. 244 00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:09,864 Yeah, dumb white people 245 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,941 was definitely the early Lone Moose vibe. 246 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,611 But she could be any of these smoking '80s babes. 247 00:09:14,629 --> 00:09:16,388 How do I match a face with a grave? 248 00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:18,039 Well, maybe we should just give up 249 00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:20,800 and go over to Ham's big flan menu reveal? 250 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:24,378 I mean, maybe one of these gals wasn't as dumb as the others. 251 00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:27,307 Maybe she was actually a big-city girl from London 252 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,216 and her name was something like... 253 00:09:29,311 --> 00:09:30,643 Persephogenia Lumpnobble. 254 00:09:30,812 --> 00:09:33,071 And she was an associate professor of squalor studies 255 00:09:33,222 --> 00:09:34,464 who'd come to do research. 256 00:09:34,466 --> 00:09:35,481 Now, back then, 257 00:09:35,634 --> 00:09:37,075 most of the dumb European settlers 258 00:09:37,226 --> 00:09:39,744 lived in holes in a big old mud and poop lake. 259 00:09:39,971 --> 00:09:41,971 Such wonderful squalor. 260 00:09:42,065 --> 00:09:45,325 It's wall-to-wall squall around here. 261 00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:47,082 They weren't used to strangers in Lone Moose, 262 00:09:47,162 --> 00:09:50,071 so this beauty stood out like a ravishing thumb. 263 00:09:50,165 --> 00:09:52,315 And then a squalid but handsome gentleman 264 00:09:52,334 --> 00:09:54,334 extended his dirty hand to her. 265 00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,002 Wa-wa-wee-wa. 266 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,411 Pardon me, ma'am. I can tell 267 00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,852 by how little dirt you have in your teeth 268 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,657 that you're not from around here. 269 00:10:00,659 --> 00:10:03,101 Might I take you on a tour of our nasty neighborhood? 270 00:10:03,252 --> 00:10:05,103 This is our pile of dead animals. 271 00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:07,272 This is our pile of dead people. 272 00:10:07,423 --> 00:10:08,923 And this is our playground. 273 00:10:09,926 --> 00:10:13,169 I have an idea that could change things for all of you. 274 00:10:13,262 --> 00:10:15,338 It's a reverse hole above the ground, 275 00:10:15,357 --> 00:10:17,264 and we call it "a house." 276 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,599 And maybe 277 00:10:18,693 --> 00:10:21,177 Persephogenia taught all the dum-dums about houses 278 00:10:21,196 --> 00:10:22,937 and they stopped living in holes. 279 00:10:23,031 --> 00:10:24,551 And she was about to return to London 280 00:10:24,683 --> 00:10:26,532 when the townie did something super romantic. 281 00:10:26,685 --> 00:10:29,185 Miss Clean Lady, I want you to have this. 282 00:10:29,204 --> 00:10:31,963 It's a hideous corn husk doll I made for you. 283 00:10:32,190 --> 00:10:34,615 Ma'am, mightn't we become betrothed in wedlock 284 00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:37,527 and grow to the ripe old age of 35 together? 285 00:10:37,545 --> 00:10:38,695 And she said yes. 286 00:10:38,788 --> 00:10:39,971 And then one day they went 287 00:10:40,198 --> 00:10:42,215 to a beaver corpse baseball game, and... 288 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,309 Aah! - she died. 289 00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:46,460 And because the nasty Townie never learned her name, 290 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,146 he paid a local child in tobacco 291 00:10:48,373 --> 00:10:50,315 to just chisel "Wife" on her headstone. 292 00:10:50,542 --> 00:10:52,297 And then, I guess, everyone forgot about her 293 00:10:52,377 --> 00:10:54,727 and her contributions, including her friend Veronica. 294 00:10:54,896 --> 00:10:56,212 Oof. Poor 295 00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:57,638 Persephogenia Lumpnobble. 296 00:10:57,732 --> 00:10:59,716 And poor us, 'cause we still don't have any answers. 297 00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:02,735 But I'm thinking maybe we should check the old census records 298 00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,145 at the historical society. 299 00:11:04,222 --> 00:11:07,148 Wow, I'm excited. You guys excited? 300 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,725 I'm just kidding. Let's go. 301 00:11:08,743 --> 00:11:11,060 Thanks for wearing the disguise, Dr. Callahan. 302 00:11:11,079 --> 00:11:13,579 It'll help us get you close enough to Dad to examine him. 303 00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:16,082 Sure. I mean, I mostly do this kind of thing for kids 304 00:11:16,234 --> 00:11:17,509 who are scared of the doctor. 305 00:11:17,660 --> 00:11:20,845 And also, pirate meetups, and once in my private life, 306 00:11:20,997 --> 00:11:22,329 - but I'm happy to help. - Great. 307 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,923 We really don't want our dad to die. 308 00:11:24,075 --> 00:11:26,184 I'm not ready to be the Tobin patriarch yet. 309 00:11:26,335 --> 00:11:27,927 I don't even know when trash day is. 310 00:11:28,079 --> 00:11:30,471 So, here's the plan: approach the table, 311 00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,023 claim to be a fellow sea captain... 312 00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:34,567 Which Dad'll love 'cause he's a real captain hound... 313 00:11:34,753 --> 00:11:37,178 Then give him a long hug and listen to his heart. 314 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,198 Bada-bing, bada-boom, you diagnose our dad. 315 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,108 What the... 316 00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:45,094 Hello, boys. 317 00:11:45,113 --> 00:11:46,279 Guess who's all better. 318 00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,540 For real this time, and I am not lying. 319 00:11:48,767 --> 00:11:52,026 Enter, and let us celebrate your brother's flan. 320 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:55,438 Our father sucked upon a pipe and he hath been healed. 321 00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:57,090 Hallelujah. 322 00:12:01,037 --> 00:12:03,279 So, you really feel all better? 323 00:12:03,448 --> 00:12:05,281 Yep. Pardon me for starting without you, 324 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,726 but I haven't been able to eat much the past few days. 325 00:12:07,953 --> 00:12:11,637 My fettuccine Alfredo levels had gotten dangerously low. 326 00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,565 So, you have, like, no pain 327 00:12:13,716 --> 00:12:15,475 - at all? - Nope. 328 00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:18,069 Hello there, friends. I'm a ship's captain 329 00:12:18,221 --> 00:12:21,573 blowing through town with me, cargo. 330 00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:23,241 May I give you a hug? 331 00:12:23,468 --> 00:12:25,243 Hello, Dr. Callahan. 332 00:12:25,394 --> 00:12:27,971 Let me guess... my boys asked you to come down here 333 00:12:28,064 --> 00:12:29,989 and sneakily give me a checkup? 334 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,808 Argh, you caught me. 335 00:12:31,901 --> 00:12:33,234 They're worried about you, Beef. 336 00:12:33,328 --> 00:12:34,586 Actually, Doc, he feels all better. 337 00:12:34,662 --> 00:12:36,996 Okay, well, there are some serious conditions 338 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,256 that can come and go, 339 00:12:38,483 --> 00:12:39,829 - namely gall... - Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup. 340 00:12:39,909 --> 00:12:42,835 This is a restaurant, not a medicine class. 341 00:12:42,988 --> 00:12:44,988 I'm here celebrate my son's success 342 00:12:45,006 --> 00:12:47,265 in the Lone Moose culinary scene. 343 00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:48,671 But the pain in your back and chest... 344 00:12:48,751 --> 00:12:52,495 Life is a mystery, and no spoilers, please. 345 00:12:52,514 --> 00:12:54,102 - Beef, but it could be... - No. You know what? 346 00:12:54,182 --> 00:12:56,342 If you won't leave me alone, then I'll leave you alone. 347 00:12:56,425 --> 00:12:58,109 I'm gonna snow machine home. 348 00:12:58,261 --> 00:13:01,838 Come along, potato, I shall be devouring you on the way. 349 00:13:01,931 --> 00:13:04,431 But Dad, my flan! My big day. 350 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,785 I love you, son. Bring me home a piece. 351 00:13:06,861 --> 00:13:09,603 Stupid doctor doesn't know what he's talking about. 352 00:13:09,697 --> 00:13:11,514 Nothing wrong with me. I've never felt better. 353 00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:13,941 Aah! My heart! 354 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,352 Aah! My potato! 355 00:13:16,371 --> 00:13:18,354 Aah! 356 00:13:18,373 --> 00:13:20,540 Can't move. 357 00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:23,134 I'm so sorry, potato. 358 00:13:23,361 --> 00:13:24,877 Maybe 359 00:13:25,030 --> 00:13:26,150 this is something. Says here 360 00:13:26,364 --> 00:13:28,531 there was a log-rolling competition in 1888, 361 00:13:28,624 --> 00:13:30,124 but only men were allowed to enter. 362 00:13:30,218 --> 00:13:31,625 That's something I'll never say. 363 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,625 Still, you got to wonder, what if there was one woman 364 00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:35,721 who did try to enter? Let's say she married a man 365 00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:38,650 who worked at the mill. And maybe this lady was gifted 366 00:13:38,801 --> 00:13:41,468 with log-rolling abilities. See, this wife had been born 367 00:13:41,563 --> 00:13:43,410 on a log in the middle of the Mighty Mississipp, 368 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,730 and she could spin 369 00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,899 that wily wood like she was hanging a drape. 370 00:13:47,052 --> 00:13:48,612 And she was so talented, it caught on, 371 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,054 and everybody in Lone Moose wanted to learn 372 00:13:51,147 --> 00:13:52,664 and be just like her. 373 00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:55,683 It became so popular, they decided to have a competition. 374 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,740 But wouldn't you know it, they made a rule that women 375 00:13:57,820 --> 00:13:59,408 couldn't compete, even though this wife 376 00:13:59,488 --> 00:14:00,654 started the whole damn thing. 377 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,898 So she taught her husband 378 00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:03,416 everything she knew, and he won. 379 00:14:03,568 --> 00:14:06,919 And then people started saying he taught her to log-roll. 380 00:14:07,072 --> 00:14:08,495 And of course he took credit for it, 381 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,423 'cause taking credit for stuff is fun. 382 00:14:10,575 --> 00:14:12,166 Wife decided to prove herself by getting out there 383 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,519 on the river, and she was absolutely incredible. 384 00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:18,339 But then, a big wave washed her out to sea. 385 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,918 And she danced on that log for months, waiting for help. 386 00:14:22,011 --> 00:14:23,528 And then, sadly, she got run over 387 00:14:23,755 --> 00:14:25,938 - Aah! - By the Titanic, and she died. 388 00:14:26,091 --> 00:14:27,937 Man, that Titanic couldn't do anything right. 389 00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:30,443 And her husband felt so bad about stealing 390 00:14:30,612 --> 00:14:31,972 her log-thunder, he couldn't bear 391 00:14:32,097 --> 00:14:33,776 to even see her beautiful name, so he put "Wife" 392 00:14:33,856 --> 00:14:37,375 on her grave and then he exploded from grief. 393 00:14:38,269 --> 00:14:40,378 And with him died the last memory of her, 394 00:14:40,605 --> 00:14:43,030 even though she was an absolute boss. 395 00:14:43,199 --> 00:14:45,216 That's clearly what happened. Let's go eat. 396 00:14:45,326 --> 00:14:49,036 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and flan to my mouth. 397 00:14:49,130 --> 00:14:52,115 Dust. Sawdust. The old Lone Moose Mill. 398 00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,041 We should go over there and check the employee records. 399 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,302 Right. Almost everyone and their child 400 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,970 worked at the mill back in the day. 401 00:14:58,123 --> 00:14:59,622 Not me. I was foreman at the quarry 402 00:14:59,641 --> 00:15:01,048 all through middle school. 403 00:15:01,142 --> 00:15:03,568 Ten cents more an hour and all the gravel you could eat. 404 00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:07,907 Missing... 405 00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:10,316 ooh, precious... 406 00:15:10,468 --> 00:15:12,318 m-moments. 407 00:15:12,470 --> 00:15:13,912 Dying. 408 00:15:14,063 --> 00:15:15,321 Ooh, ooh, my phone. 409 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,899 Ooh. Must crawl. 410 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,904 No, no. Decline. Damn it. 411 00:15:23,998 --> 00:15:25,572 No. - Hey, it's me, Londra. 412 00:15:25,667 --> 00:15:27,759 Okay, so Beef, you're not gonna believe this. 413 00:15:27,910 --> 00:15:29,999 - Nuh... - Dusty and I were in Anchorage this morning, 414 00:15:30,079 --> 00:15:31,596 food shopping for her birthday dinner, 415 00:15:31,747 --> 00:15:33,656 and the Anchorage Food Otter has watermelons. 416 00:15:33,675 --> 00:15:36,417 No, that's not the crazy part. 417 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,938 We cut the watermelon open, and inside? A set of keys! 418 00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:44,108 Londra... - My God, Beef, 419 00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:46,502 Dusty found a Bratz doll in there, too. 420 00:15:46,595 --> 00:15:48,095 I'd love to chat more, 421 00:15:48,189 --> 00:15:50,657 but I got a lot more people to call. Bye! 422 00:15:57,198 --> 00:16:00,032 Hello, anyone? Am I... 423 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,534 It's you. Hey, Dennis. 424 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:02,776 You remembered my name. 425 00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:04,520 Yes, it's me. Your heart. 426 00:16:04,539 --> 00:16:05,688 Wassup? 427 00:16:05,781 --> 00:16:07,536 God. If you're here, you're gonna tell me 428 00:16:07,616 --> 00:16:09,208 something's wrong with my heart, right? 429 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,615 That's why I've been having the chest pain? 430 00:16:10,695 --> 00:16:12,392 What? I'm offended. I'm in incredible shape. 431 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,381 I'm a heart and yet, somehow, I have abs. 432 00:16:15,533 --> 00:16:16,957 - Wow. - Yeah, your lifestyle 433 00:16:17,051 --> 00:16:18,884 of constant physical activity, heavy meats 434 00:16:19,037 --> 00:16:21,204 and relentless stress keeps me very strong. 435 00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:23,723 Good to know, but what is wrong with me? 436 00:16:23,875 --> 00:16:26,042 I have been in a lot of pain. 437 00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,986 I can't diagnose you. A doctor should do that. 438 00:16:28,062 --> 00:16:30,471 Which is why I'm here. I want to know why on Earth 439 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,898 you won't go see a flipping' doctor, my man. 440 00:16:32,975 --> 00:16:34,567 I... I'm afraid. 441 00:16:34,719 --> 00:16:36,385 'Cause what if it's something really bad 442 00:16:36,479 --> 00:16:39,146 and then I die and leave the kids behind? 443 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:40,832 Wait, what? We die? 444 00:16:41,059 --> 00:16:44,060 Yes, I'll die someday, and you'll die with me. 445 00:16:44,078 --> 00:16:45,578 What the hell, man? This ends?! 446 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,730 The brain didn't say anything about that to me. 447 00:16:47,749 --> 00:16:49,340 Sorry. I-I assumed you knew. 448 00:16:49,533 --> 00:16:52,010 No, I did not know. I'm just a heart, man. 449 00:16:52,161 --> 00:16:54,495 - I can't think on my own. - Apologies again. 450 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,239 But yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. 451 00:16:56,257 --> 00:16:58,665 That I'll see the doctor and he'll say I'm about to die, 452 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,000 and then I'll have to live a little longer 453 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:01,853 knowing I'm gonna leave these amazing kids 454 00:17:02,004 --> 00:17:04,914 and all the weird things they do that I love so much behind. 455 00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:08,693 Also, trees and rocks and mountains and Andie MacDowell? 456 00:17:08,844 --> 00:17:11,845 God, there's so much good stuff here, I don't want to leave. 457 00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:13,256 Well, then, what are you doing, man? 458 00:17:13,274 --> 00:17:14,590 Go to a doctor now. 459 00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:16,442 - You're right, I should save us. - Yes. 460 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,094 If I don't do the thing I'm afraid of 461 00:17:18,187 --> 00:17:20,613 then the thing I'm really afraid of will happen. 462 00:17:20,765 --> 00:17:21,947 Yes, let's not die. 463 00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:23,599 We have so much to look forward to. 464 00:17:23,692 --> 00:17:25,951 I have a date with a teacher from Ohio on Thursday. 465 00:17:26,104 --> 00:17:27,694 - Wait, how? - Well, I met her... 466 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:31,107 No time. Good God, Beef, do something now. 467 00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:33,468 Okay, okay. I will. 468 00:17:35,797 --> 00:17:38,890 Boys! Dr. Callahan! 469 00:17:39,117 --> 00:17:40,374 Is that Dad? 470 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,451 I need help! 471 00:17:42,545 --> 00:17:46,773 Pull back my body curtain and look inside. 472 00:17:48,142 --> 00:17:49,475 Hi. 473 00:17:49,627 --> 00:17:51,307 We were wondering if you had employment records 474 00:17:51,387 --> 00:17:54,221 - from the 1880s. - I'm sorry, the mill has burned down 475 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,889 and been rebuilt since then. 476 00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:58,242 - 47 times. - Damn it! 477 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,578 Well, Honeybee, 478 00:18:00,805 --> 00:18:02,062 you did all you could. 479 00:18:02,231 --> 00:18:04,640 Maybe it's just time to let a sleeping corpse lie. 480 00:18:04,659 --> 00:18:06,233 No, we can't give up. 481 00:18:06,327 --> 00:18:08,311 Why is this bothering you so much? 482 00:18:08,329 --> 00:18:09,736 I just... I mean, what if this lady 483 00:18:09,831 --> 00:18:11,163 came all the way from Fresno? 484 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,071 You know, 'cause she fell in love with a guy she met 485 00:18:13,151 --> 00:18:15,818 in an 1800s Morse code chat room or, something, 486 00:18:15,837 --> 00:18:19,505 and it seemed like a good idea but then she... she just died. 487 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,324 And then everybody forgot who she was. 488 00:18:21,342 --> 00:18:22,825 - The end. - Okay, Honeybee, wait, 489 00:18:22,844 --> 00:18:25,828 you don't think you're like this dead lady, do you? 490 00:18:25,921 --> 00:18:28,422 Maybe. My dumb friend Veronica 491 00:18:28,516 --> 00:18:31,684 said I gave up my life and followed a guy to Alaska. 492 00:18:31,836 --> 00:18:33,611 Am I just a wife? 493 00:18:33,762 --> 00:18:34,854 Honeybee, come on. 494 00:18:35,006 --> 00:18:36,522 You're already a legend in Lone Moose. 495 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,507 You've been mayor, you got attacked by an eagle, 496 00:18:38,526 --> 00:18:40,359 you got in a slap fight with a drifter. 497 00:18:40,511 --> 00:18:43,346 If anything, Wolf should be afraid he's gonna end up 498 00:18:43,364 --> 00:18:44,697 in a grave just marked "Husband." 499 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,958 And you should make sure he does, as a goof. 500 00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:49,034 Poor Wife. I guess the least we can do 501 00:18:49,187 --> 00:18:50,277 is lay some flowers on her grave. 502 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,329 And a pepperoni pizza. 503 00:18:52,482 --> 00:18:53,522 I mean, sure? 504 00:18:53,541 --> 00:18:55,449 Have you had a pepperoni pizza before? 505 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,970 They're amazing. It's a beautiful gesture. 506 00:18:59,197 --> 00:19:02,640 There you go, Wife. Enjoy your pizza. 507 00:19:02,867 --> 00:19:04,666 Wait, what's that? 508 00:19:04,668 --> 00:19:06,811 "Bartholomew Wife"? 509 00:19:06,962 --> 00:19:08,980 Hold up. "Wife" is a last name? 510 00:19:09,056 --> 00:19:11,816 "Manifred Wife, pronounced, 'Wee-Fay, ' 511 00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:14,043 "was also known as Manifred the Maniac. 512 00:19:14,061 --> 00:19:16,487 "Manifred Wife was a prolific murderer 513 00:19:16,639 --> 00:19:19,398 who killed 17 people including her husband Bartholomew." 514 00:19:19,550 --> 00:19:22,051 - Whoa. - So, she wasn't just a wife. 515 00:19:22,144 --> 00:19:23,736 Good for you. 516 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,221 My gallbladder? 517 00:19:25,239 --> 00:19:28,057 Yep. You got some pretty sizable stones in there. 518 00:19:28,226 --> 00:19:29,425 Hell yeah he does. 519 00:19:29,427 --> 00:19:31,485 Dad's 'blad makes some sick stones. 520 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,562 The pain can come and go with eating, 521 00:19:33,581 --> 00:19:36,415 but we'll remove it today and you're as free as a bird. 522 00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:38,509 I have my Lil Preppers surgery badge, Doc. 523 00:19:38,661 --> 00:19:39,844 I can scrub in if needed. 524 00:19:40,071 --> 00:19:41,662 Won't be necessary for this one, Moon. 525 00:19:41,756 --> 00:19:43,756 But I do have a spinal surgery on Thursday 526 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,183 I wouldn't mind a consult on. 527 00:19:45,334 --> 00:19:48,260 I'll have to move some things around, but I'm in. 528 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:50,688 Dad, we're real proud of you for finally asking for help 529 00:19:50,839 --> 00:19:52,857 from a doctor who isn't a pipe on a hill. 530 00:19:53,008 --> 00:19:54,859 And, maybe you could, do it again... 531 00:19:55,086 --> 00:19:57,008 The seeing a doctor thing... 'cause of how we want you 532 00:19:57,088 --> 00:19:58,196 to be alive? 533 00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:01,090 - Sorry to be pushy. - No, Ham, you're right. 534 00:20:01,183 --> 00:20:04,260 I promise, from now on, I'll get an annual physical, 535 00:20:04,353 --> 00:20:06,537 every five to six years or so. 536 00:20:06,764 --> 00:20:07,764 That's a start. 537 00:20:07,856 --> 00:20:09,707 Vaya con dad-os, gallbladder. 538 00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:12,710 You're gonna be all right. 539 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:14,879 What the hell? 540 00:20:15,106 --> 00:20:16,714 You all have gravestones already? 541 00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:18,532 Yes, a few years ago, I got a deal 542 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:21,868 on some granite and, well, one thing led to another. 543 00:20:21,963 --> 00:20:25,130 Speaking of which... Honeybee, a little bird named Judy told me 544 00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:27,783 that you were kind of worried about ending up like old Wife, 545 00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:31,454 which inspired me to get you this stone stunner. 546 00:20:31,472 --> 00:20:32,546 You picked a death year? 547 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,756 You'll be 220 years old, so it's cool. 548 00:20:34,809 --> 00:20:37,142 And it also has all kinds of facts about you on it, 549 00:20:37,311 --> 00:20:40,145 like that you're a Shrek-thusiast, an entrepreneur. 550 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,387 Plus, lots of space to add anything else as it comes along. 551 00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:45,076 Like if you suddenly get super into Dave Matthews Band. 552 00:20:45,227 --> 00:20:46,819 Wolf, this is deeply unsettling. 553 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,804 But also kind of touching, I guess. 554 00:20:48,823 --> 00:20:50,564 All right, enough grave-gazing. 555 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,251 Let's head in for dinner. Now that my G-blad is out, 556 00:20:53,327 --> 00:20:54,901 fatty foods are my friend again, 557 00:20:54,996 --> 00:20:57,313 and I made my famous five-butters casserole. 558 00:20:57,315 --> 00:20:59,331 Dibs on a corner piece. 559 00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:33,594 >>>>oakislandtk<<<<< www.opensubtitles.org 42393

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