Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:38,111
Ham, I love that you made
my pancake into a little face,
2
00:00:38,264 --> 00:00:39,354
but I regret to inform you
3
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:42,023
that now I simply
cannot eat Gerard.
4
00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:43,600
Gonna have a
tough life in Alaska
5
00:00:43,693 --> 00:00:45,449
if you can't bring yourself
to eat a friend, doll.
6
00:00:45,529 --> 00:00:48,380
Okay, how about a
piece of my practice flan instead?
7
00:00:48,457 --> 00:00:51,942
Dad ate most of them
yesterday, but there's a few left.
8
00:00:52,035 --> 00:00:53,944
Figures. For centuries,
men have been eating
9
00:00:54,037 --> 00:00:55,629
more than their
fair share of the flan.
10
00:00:55,781 --> 00:00:57,114
Preach. Pigs.
11
00:00:57,132 --> 00:00:58,782
My brother's
gonna be a celebrity
12
00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:02,119
for making the flan for a
real, professional restaurant.
13
00:01:02,212 --> 00:01:03,954
You must feel like the
non-famous Hemsworth
14
00:01:03,972 --> 00:01:05,564
- right about now?
- Yep.
15
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:07,232
Invisible but proud.
16
00:01:07,384 --> 00:01:08,734
Which menu will your flan be on?
17
00:01:08,961 --> 00:01:10,552
Regular, kids or seniors?
18
00:01:10,646 --> 00:01:12,145
- All three, baby.
- Ooh-la-la.
19
00:01:12,298 --> 00:01:14,147
Holy hot dogs, Ham.
20
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:15,574
Hey, where's Dad?
21
00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:17,814
He usually only takes a
three-and-a-half-minute shower,
22
00:01:17,894 --> 00:01:20,061
but he's been in
there 14 minutes now.
23
00:01:20,155 --> 00:01:22,139
I mean, he's
probably just way in the zone.
24
00:01:22,232 --> 00:01:24,399
Getting all those papa
nooks and dad crannies.
25
00:01:24,493 --> 00:01:26,159
Wolf, how many times
do I have to ask you
26
00:01:26,312 --> 00:01:27,494
not to say "dad crannies"?
27
00:01:27,646 --> 00:01:28,979
Many more, probably.
28
00:01:30,149 --> 00:01:31,149
Was that Dad?
29
00:01:32,576 --> 00:01:34,284
Dad, you okay in there?
30
00:01:34,336 --> 00:01:36,595
Perfect.
31
00:01:36,746 --> 00:01:38,079
Whoops.
32
00:01:38,173 --> 00:01:39,098
Closing the door.
33
00:01:39,249 --> 00:01:40,599
But, Dad...
34
00:01:40,750 --> 00:01:41,600
sounds like you're in pain?
35
00:01:41,751 --> 00:01:42,751
I am fine, son.
36
00:01:44,087 --> 00:01:46,663
Just having a little
pain in my midsection.
37
00:01:46,756 --> 00:01:48,440
And chest. And back.
38
00:01:48,592 --> 00:01:49,942
- Chest?
- And back.
39
00:01:50,018 --> 00:01:51,835
Probably just pulled
some muscles.
40
00:01:51,854 --> 00:01:52,927
You want me to...
41
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,504
come in and get
your towel for you?
42
00:01:54,598 --> 00:01:57,449
No, thank you, son. I
shall use nature's towel...
43
00:01:57,676 --> 00:01:58,766
Standing here.
44
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,452
Hey, Dad.
45
00:02:00,604 --> 00:02:02,437
- You doing okay?
- Do not worry, Ham.
46
00:02:02,531 --> 00:02:04,790
Just pulled a few
muscles in the shower.
47
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:08,352
Makes perfect sense, but may I
also suggest you see a doctor?
48
00:02:08,370 --> 00:02:11,779
Nonsense. I'll go see the
magical glacial water pipe
49
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:14,374
in Death Cliff today and
drink its healing waters.
50
00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:17,285
- - Mother Pipe?
- Dad, that's a very cool legend,
51
00:02:17,363 --> 00:02:20,973
but maybe we see a real doctor
instead of a leaky metal tube.
52
00:02:21,124 --> 00:02:21,865
No, thank you.
53
00:02:21,884 --> 00:02:22,808
Now, if you'll excuse me,
54
00:02:22,959 --> 00:02:25,293
I better get ready
for my journey.
55
00:02:26,463 --> 00:02:28,538
That's good.
56
00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:30,482
- Oop.
- - Dad butt!
57
00:02:30,709 --> 00:02:32,209
Good thinking, towel.
58
00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:34,211
I am perfectly dry.
59
00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:37,656
So the crooked butt
crack runs in the family.
60
00:02:37,883 --> 00:02:40,567
- Yeah. -
- My poops come out in a curlicue
61
00:02:40,719 --> 00:02:42,161
like soft-serve ice cream.
62
00:02:42,388 --> 00:02:43,809
Well, it was
great to see you, veronica.
63
00:02:43,889 --> 00:02:46,056
We can't let two
years go by again.
64
00:02:46,225 --> 00:02:47,945
I was relieved when
you reached out to me.
65
00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:50,151
Funny story... I
thought you were dead.
66
00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:51,503
Really? - Yeah.
67
00:02:51,655 --> 00:02:53,397
Everyone in Fresno said
you followed some guy
68
00:02:53,415 --> 00:02:55,065
into the wilderness.
69
00:02:55,083 --> 00:02:56,824
I've seen Dateline, Honeybee.
70
00:02:56,993 --> 00:02:58,235
I know how those stories end.
71
00:02:58,253 --> 00:02:59,994
I didn't just follow a guy.
72
00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,329
I fell in love.
73
00:03:01,423 --> 00:03:03,348
Is someone making
you say that right now?
74
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:05,500
Blink three times if yes.
75
00:03:05,594 --> 00:03:07,274
- I just got married and moved away.
- Okay,
76
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:11,339
it's just... If anything, a
guy should be following you.
77
00:03:11,508 --> 00:03:12,916
Crap, I got to go.
78
00:03:13,009 --> 00:03:15,176
My neighbor's kid is looking
through my window again.
79
00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:16,645
Get out of here, Hans!
80
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,773
Bye, Honeybee. Don't
lose yourself up there.
81
00:03:19,925 --> 00:03:20,774
Whatever, Veronica.
82
00:03:20,926 --> 00:03:22,034
I didn't follow a guy.
83
00:03:22,261 --> 00:03:24,277
I'm a leader. In fact,
I'm gonna lead myself
84
00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:25,779
on a walk around the property.
85
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,277
And because I want
to, not because it's one
86
00:03:27,357 --> 00:03:30,209
of the only things you
can do around this place.
87
00:03:31,937 --> 00:03:33,212
Okay.
88
00:03:34,122 --> 00:03:35,547
There she is, Mother Pipe.
89
00:03:35,699 --> 00:03:37,716
Alaska's doctor.
90
00:03:37,867 --> 00:03:39,443
Sweet mountain nectar.
91
00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:46,283
Thank you, dear Mother.
92
00:03:46,301 --> 00:03:49,043
I have suckled and
been made whole.
93
00:03:52,215 --> 00:03:53,881
Better go have one more sip
94
00:03:53,976 --> 00:03:55,901
to heal these fresh wounds.
95
00:03:59,389 --> 00:04:01,481
I mean, who does
Veronica think she is?
96
00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:03,242
So what if I moved
up here for a guy?
97
00:04:03,469 --> 00:04:04,801
What, I should have
stayed in Fresno,
98
00:04:04,820 --> 00:04:05,969
working at the curtain store?
99
00:04:05,988 --> 00:04:07,579
My dad playing
Steely Dan all day?
100
00:04:07,731 --> 00:04:09,581
Ooh. What in the...
101
00:04:09,658 --> 00:04:11,065
"Wife"?
102
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,734
That's all they put
on this lady's grave?
103
00:04:12,828 --> 00:04:13,977
No name?
104
00:04:14,070 --> 00:04:15,509
Well, maybe there's
something on the back.
105
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:16,738
Nope.
106
00:04:16,832 --> 00:04:17,814
You poor girl.
107
00:04:17,907 --> 00:04:19,307
You got to be more
than just "Wife."
108
00:04:19,485 --> 00:04:20,739
I got to get to
the bottom of this.
109
00:04:20,819 --> 00:04:22,986
All right, Wife, you
wait right here, which...
110
00:04:23,005 --> 00:04:24,654
you have to, 'cause you're dead.
111
00:04:24,823 --> 00:04:26,265
I-I'll be right back.
112
00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:29,009
Thanks for taking
me by the grocery store.
113
00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,995
I still can't believe you can
buy a fully cooked chicken
114
00:04:32,014 --> 00:04:33,346
every single day.
115
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,015
Good.
116
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:37,592
And they did not
skimp on the bones.
117
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,002
Hey, kids.
118
00:04:39,095 --> 00:04:40,428
Your dad went to suck
on that drainage pipe
119
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,031
or whatever it is, so
he sent us to get you.
120
00:04:44,434 --> 00:04:47,101
So, guys, have you seen
this grave out in the woods
121
00:04:47,195 --> 00:04:48,678
- that's just labeled "Wife"?
- Yep.
122
00:04:48,697 --> 00:04:51,515
I have that grave marked on
my cemetery map of Lone Moose
123
00:04:51,533 --> 00:04:53,366
for when the zombie
apocalypse starts.
124
00:04:53,519 --> 00:04:55,519
Hell if Wife is
gonna eat my brain.
125
00:04:55,537 --> 00:04:56,866
Well, she's eating
my brain already,
126
00:04:56,946 --> 00:04:58,112
'cause she's all
I can think about.
127
00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:00,132
That poor woman
is just lying out there
128
00:05:00,283 --> 00:05:01,541
in a hole marked "Wife."
129
00:05:01,693 --> 00:05:02,876
Not even a name.
130
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,466
I've seen that grave,
like, a million times
131
00:05:04,546 --> 00:05:06,638
and just kind of shrugged
it off as vintage sexism,
132
00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:09,290
but, yeah, no one deserves
to just be thrown in a hole
133
00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:11,201
and labeled with the W-word.
134
00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:13,478
Unless the W-word is "Wassup."
135
00:05:13,630 --> 00:05:15,555
Can you even imagine
that on a grave?
136
00:05:15,707 --> 00:05:17,374
I think I'm gonna
do a little research
137
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:18,800
and find out who this woman was.
138
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,557
Maybe I can share her
accomplishments with the world.
139
00:05:20,637 --> 00:05:22,729
- I'm in.
- Let's dig up her secrets.
140
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,898
And maybe her jewelry.
141
00:05:28,144 --> 00:05:29,144
Hey, Dad.
142
00:05:29,237 --> 00:05:31,145
That's a pretty fun
noise you're making.
143
00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:34,333
You aren't by any chance
still in pain, are you, Father?
144
00:05:34,484 --> 00:05:36,484
Nope. I suckled the pipe,
145
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:40,672
and her nectars are at this
very moment coating my insides
146
00:05:40,824 --> 00:05:42,156
in a thick layer of health.
147
00:05:42,234 --> 00:05:44,992
Good, 'cause my flan
reveal is at lunch tomorrow,
148
00:05:45,087 --> 00:05:47,346
and I need you at
full eating strength.
149
00:05:47,573 --> 00:05:49,181
Hey. Slippity
Dips is starting.
150
00:05:49,332 --> 00:05:50,665
In our first slippity clip,
151
00:05:50,759 --> 00:05:52,926
a mailman named Floyd makes a...
152
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,744
Floyd-ian slip.
153
00:05:56,915 --> 00:05:59,916
- Dad?
- Dad, we really should get you to the doctor.
154
00:06:00,009 --> 00:06:01,026
Like, now.
155
00:06:01,177 --> 00:06:02,176
Nonsense.
156
00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:03,253
In this next slip,
157
00:06:03,346 --> 00:06:05,364
a child falls in a ravine.
158
00:06:05,591 --> 00:06:06,606
In a funny way.
159
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,431
Guys, I'm hella
worried about Dad.
160
00:06:14,449 --> 00:06:15,523
I googled his symptoms,
161
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,434
and it could be anything
from muscle spasm
162
00:06:17,527 --> 00:06:20,379
to a heart attack to something
called "haunted pancreas."
163
00:06:20,530 --> 00:06:22,272
I'm worried, too,
but it's impossible
164
00:06:22,290 --> 00:06:23,715
to get that man to a doctor.
165
00:06:23,867 --> 00:06:26,109
Remember when one of
his feet faced the wrong way
166
00:06:26,111 --> 00:06:27,110
for, like, a year?
167
00:06:27,129 --> 00:06:28,536
Of course. I had to tie the boot
168
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,371
on the backwards
one every morning.
169
00:06:30,465 --> 00:06:32,132
But this isn't
gonna be like that,
170
00:06:32,284 --> 00:06:33,541
because I have a plan.
171
00:06:33,635 --> 00:06:35,952
It's not just giving
him compliments, is it?
172
00:06:35,954 --> 00:06:37,712
Yeah, there'll be
a little of that, sure.
173
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:38,955
But here's what we do:
174
00:06:39,048 --> 00:06:41,549
we give him the doctor
exam sneaky-style,
175
00:06:41,643 --> 00:06:42,567
right here at home.
176
00:06:42,644 --> 00:06:44,552
Fun. Dibs on
nodding reassuringly
177
00:06:44,630 --> 00:06:46,296
while listening
through a stethoscope.
178
00:06:46,389 --> 00:06:49,223
Okay, Operation HPV is a go...
179
00:06:49,317 --> 00:06:51,576
Heal Papa Victoriously.
180
00:06:51,803 --> 00:06:53,637
Love the plan, hate the name.
181
00:06:53,771 --> 00:06:54,971
All right, hands in.
182
00:06:55,064 --> 00:06:56,248
H-P...
183
00:06:56,399 --> 00:06:58,065
It's just gonna be me?
184
00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,334
Fine. V!
185
00:07:02,814 --> 00:07:05,498
Okay, here he comes. Time
to get into our dad's body.
186
00:07:05,651 --> 00:07:07,259
My God. It's like
you've never heard
187
00:07:07,486 --> 00:07:08,832
a word you've said.
188
00:07:12,457 --> 00:07:14,007
Hello, Father.
189
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,508
How was work this morning?
190
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:16,676
Good haul?
191
00:07:16,828 --> 00:07:18,586
Kill a lot of fish?
192
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,829
Cool, cool.
193
00:07:19,923 --> 00:07:22,107
And, brisk wind out on the sea?
194
00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:23,942
Any difficulty breathing?
195
00:07:24,093 --> 00:07:25,168
The breathing was...
196
00:07:25,337 --> 00:07:26,853
great.
197
00:07:27,005 --> 00:07:28,004
Dad,
198
00:07:28,023 --> 00:07:29,673
just, wondering,
199
00:07:29,675 --> 00:07:30,857
when you hauled the fish in,
200
00:07:31,026 --> 00:07:33,176
which of these faces
did you feel like?
201
00:07:33,269 --> 00:07:35,436
None. Those guys
are all hotter than me.
202
00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:36,513
Okay...
203
00:07:37,532 --> 00:07:39,199
Guys, I've got a big problem.
204
00:07:39,351 --> 00:07:40,942
I have a project
for science class,
205
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,203
and the topic is
older men's urine.
206
00:07:43,355 --> 00:07:44,871
I remember that unit.
207
00:07:45,023 --> 00:07:47,615
But I forgot to collect
an older man's pee.
208
00:07:47,709 --> 00:07:48,858
Damn it.
209
00:07:48,952 --> 00:07:50,451
Guess I'll just fail.
210
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:51,361
That sucks.
211
00:07:51,454 --> 00:07:52,804
Unless...
212
00:07:53,031 --> 00:07:56,123
Dad, could you pee in this cup
and then write your name on it?
213
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,477
And then seal it? And
then write today's date?
214
00:07:58,704 --> 00:07:59,794
And then give it back to me?
215
00:07:59,871 --> 00:08:01,371
I'll surely get an A.
216
00:08:01,464 --> 00:08:04,040
Yeah, with Dad's pee in
your pocket, you can't lose.
217
00:08:04,209 --> 00:08:06,968
Gentlemen, I was
not birthed yesterday.
218
00:08:07,062 --> 00:08:09,395
I see that you three
are trying to give me
219
00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:12,382
some kind of
at-home doctor's exam.
220
00:08:12,384 --> 00:08:15,719
Geez, Dad, all we asked
for was a little bit of pee
221
00:08:15,737 --> 00:08:17,645
and suddenly we lose all trust?
222
00:08:17,739 --> 00:08:18,905
Son, cut it out.
223
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,890
My body is private,
even to myself.
224
00:08:20,984 --> 00:08:24,244
That's why there's a curtain
around it called "my skin."
225
00:08:24,396 --> 00:08:26,579
- But, Dad, you really should...
- Put your "but, Dad"
226
00:08:26,748 --> 00:08:27,897
in your butt, son.
227
00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:29,582
Can no one hear themselves?
228
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,843
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm going to head back
229
00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:33,753
to Mother Pipe for another sip.
230
00:08:33,905 --> 00:08:37,090
But, Dad, my flan debuts at
the restaurant today at lunch.
231
00:08:37,242 --> 00:08:38,742
You promised to go.
232
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,185
I'll meet you there at noo...
233
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,357
oon.
234
00:08:46,509 --> 00:08:49,269
Should we just take
his pee by force?
235
00:08:49,421 --> 00:08:51,530
Damn it. If we can't
get Dad to a doctor,
236
00:08:51,681 --> 00:08:53,273
maybe we can
get a doctor to Dad.
237
00:08:53,349 --> 00:08:57,202
Yep. One way or another, we
have got to push those D's together.
238
00:08:57,353 --> 00:08:59,037
Okay, now I'm doing it.
239
00:08:59,188 --> 00:09:01,188
All right,
we know that Wife's grave
240
00:09:01,283 --> 00:09:02,766
is from 1888.
241
00:09:02,784 --> 00:09:05,101
And it says here that some
very unprepared British settlers
242
00:09:05,103 --> 00:09:07,087
came here to join some
other European idiots
243
00:09:07,196 --> 00:09:08,213
around that time.
244
00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:09,864
Yeah, dumb white people
245
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,941
was definitely the
early Lone Moose vibe.
246
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,611
But she could be any
of these smoking '80s babes.
247
00:09:14,629 --> 00:09:16,388
How do I match a
face with a grave?
248
00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:18,039
Well, maybe we
should just give up
249
00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:20,800
and go over to Ham's
big flan menu reveal?
250
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:24,378
I mean, maybe one of these
gals wasn't as dumb as the others.
251
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:27,307
Maybe she was actually
a big-city girl from London
252
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,216
and her name was
something like...
253
00:09:29,311 --> 00:09:30,643
Persephogenia Lumpnobble.
254
00:09:30,812 --> 00:09:33,071
And she was an associate
professor of squalor studies
255
00:09:33,222 --> 00:09:34,464
who'd come to do research.
256
00:09:34,466 --> 00:09:35,481
Now, back then,
257
00:09:35,634 --> 00:09:37,075
most of the dumb
European settlers
258
00:09:37,226 --> 00:09:39,744
lived in holes in a big
old mud and poop lake.
259
00:09:39,971 --> 00:09:41,971
Such wonderful squalor.
260
00:09:42,065 --> 00:09:45,325
It's wall-to-wall
squall around here.
261
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:47,082
They weren't
used to strangers in Lone Moose,
262
00:09:47,162 --> 00:09:50,071
so this beauty stood out
like a ravishing thumb.
263
00:09:50,165 --> 00:09:52,315
And then a squalid but
handsome gentleman
264
00:09:52,334 --> 00:09:54,334
extended his dirty hand to her.
265
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,002
Wa-wa-wee-wa.
266
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,411
Pardon me, ma'am. I can tell
267
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,852
by how little dirt you
have in your teeth
268
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,657
that you're not
from around here.
269
00:10:00,659 --> 00:10:03,101
Might I take you on a tour
of our nasty neighborhood?
270
00:10:03,252 --> 00:10:05,103
This is our pile
of dead animals.
271
00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:07,272
This is our pile of dead people.
272
00:10:07,423 --> 00:10:08,923
And this is our playground.
273
00:10:09,926 --> 00:10:13,169
I have an idea that could
change things for all of you.
274
00:10:13,262 --> 00:10:15,338
It's a reverse hole
above the ground,
275
00:10:15,357 --> 00:10:17,264
and we call it "a house."
276
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,599
And maybe
277
00:10:18,693 --> 00:10:21,177
Persephogenia taught all
the dum-dums about houses
278
00:10:21,196 --> 00:10:22,937
and they stopped
living in holes.
279
00:10:23,031 --> 00:10:24,551
And she was about
to return to London
280
00:10:24,683 --> 00:10:26,532
when the townie did
something super romantic.
281
00:10:26,685 --> 00:10:29,185
Miss Clean Lady, I
want you to have this.
282
00:10:29,204 --> 00:10:31,963
It's a hideous corn
husk doll I made for you.
283
00:10:32,190 --> 00:10:34,615
Ma'am, mightn't we
become betrothed in wedlock
284
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:37,527
and grow to the ripe
old age of 35 together?
285
00:10:37,545 --> 00:10:38,695
And she said yes.
286
00:10:38,788 --> 00:10:39,971
And then one day they went
287
00:10:40,198 --> 00:10:42,215
to a beaver corpse
baseball game, and...
288
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,309
Aah! - she died.
289
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:46,460
And because the nasty
Townie never learned her name,
290
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,146
he paid a local child in tobacco
291
00:10:48,373 --> 00:10:50,315
to just chisel "Wife"
on her headstone.
292
00:10:50,542 --> 00:10:52,297
And then, I guess,
everyone forgot about her
293
00:10:52,377 --> 00:10:54,727
and her contributions,
including her friend Veronica.
294
00:10:54,896 --> 00:10:56,212
Oof. Poor
295
00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:57,638
Persephogenia Lumpnobble.
296
00:10:57,732 --> 00:10:59,716
And poor us, 'cause we
still don't have any answers.
297
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:02,735
But I'm thinking maybe we
should check the old census records
298
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,145
at the historical society.
299
00:11:04,222 --> 00:11:07,148
Wow, I'm excited.
You guys excited?
300
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,725
I'm just kidding. Let's go.
301
00:11:08,743 --> 00:11:11,060
Thanks for wearing the
disguise, Dr. Callahan.
302
00:11:11,079 --> 00:11:13,579
It'll help us get you close
enough to Dad to examine him.
303
00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:16,082
Sure. I mean, I mostly
do this kind of thing for kids
304
00:11:16,234 --> 00:11:17,509
who are scared of the doctor.
305
00:11:17,660 --> 00:11:20,845
And also, pirate meetups,
and once in my private life,
306
00:11:20,997 --> 00:11:22,329
- but I'm happy to help.
- Great.
307
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,923
We really don't
want our dad to die.
308
00:11:24,075 --> 00:11:26,184
I'm not ready to be
the Tobin patriarch yet.
309
00:11:26,335 --> 00:11:27,927
I don't even know
when trash day is.
310
00:11:28,079 --> 00:11:30,471
So, here's the plan:
approach the table,
311
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,023
claim to be a
fellow sea captain...
312
00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:34,567
Which Dad'll love 'cause
he's a real captain hound...
313
00:11:34,753 --> 00:11:37,178
Then give him a long
hug and listen to his heart.
314
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,198
Bada-bing, bada-boom,
you diagnose our dad.
315
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,108
What the...
316
00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:45,094
Hello, boys.
317
00:11:45,113 --> 00:11:46,279
Guess who's all better.
318
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,540
For real this time,
and I am not lying.
319
00:11:48,767 --> 00:11:52,026
Enter, and let us
celebrate your brother's flan.
320
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:55,438
Our father sucked upon a
pipe and he hath been healed.
321
00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:57,090
Hallelujah.
322
00:12:01,037 --> 00:12:03,279
So, you really feel all better?
323
00:12:03,448 --> 00:12:05,281
Yep. Pardon me
for starting without you,
324
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,726
but I haven't been able to
eat much the past few days.
325
00:12:07,953 --> 00:12:11,637
My fettuccine Alfredo levels
had gotten dangerously low.
326
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,565
So, you have, like, no pain
327
00:12:13,716 --> 00:12:15,475
- at all?
- Nope.
328
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:18,069
Hello there,
friends. I'm a ship's captain
329
00:12:18,221 --> 00:12:21,573
blowing through town
with me, cargo.
330
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:23,241
May I give you a hug?
331
00:12:23,468 --> 00:12:25,243
Hello, Dr. Callahan.
332
00:12:25,394 --> 00:12:27,971
Let me guess... my boys
asked you to come down here
333
00:12:28,064 --> 00:12:29,989
and sneakily give me a checkup?
334
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,808
Argh, you caught me.
335
00:12:31,901 --> 00:12:33,234
They're worried about you, Beef.
336
00:12:33,328 --> 00:12:34,586
Actually, Doc,
he feels all better.
337
00:12:34,662 --> 00:12:36,996
Okay, well, there are
some serious conditions
338
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,256
that can come and go,
339
00:12:38,483 --> 00:12:39,829
- namely gall...
- Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
340
00:12:39,909 --> 00:12:42,835
This is a restaurant,
not a medicine class.
341
00:12:42,988 --> 00:12:44,988
I'm here celebrate
my son's success
342
00:12:45,006 --> 00:12:47,265
in the Lone Moose
culinary scene.
343
00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:48,671
But the pain in your
back and chest...
344
00:12:48,751 --> 00:12:52,495
Life is a mystery,
and no spoilers, please.
345
00:12:52,514 --> 00:12:54,102
- Beef, but it could be...
- No. You know what?
346
00:12:54,182 --> 00:12:56,342
If you won't leave me alone,
then I'll leave you alone.
347
00:12:56,425 --> 00:12:58,109
I'm gonna snow machine home.
348
00:12:58,261 --> 00:13:01,838
Come along, potato, I shall
be devouring you on the way.
349
00:13:01,931 --> 00:13:04,431
But Dad, my flan! My big day.
350
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,785
I love you, son. Bring
me home a piece.
351
00:13:06,861 --> 00:13:09,603
Stupid doctor doesn't
know what he's talking about.
352
00:13:09,697 --> 00:13:11,514
Nothing wrong with
me. I've never felt better.
353
00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:13,941
Aah! My heart!
354
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,352
Aah! My potato!
355
00:13:16,371 --> 00:13:18,354
Aah!
356
00:13:18,373 --> 00:13:20,540
Can't move.
357
00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:23,134
I'm so sorry, potato.
358
00:13:23,361 --> 00:13:24,877
Maybe
359
00:13:25,030 --> 00:13:26,150
this is something. Says here
360
00:13:26,364 --> 00:13:28,531
there was a log-rolling
competition in 1888,
361
00:13:28,624 --> 00:13:30,124
but only men were
allowed to enter.
362
00:13:30,218 --> 00:13:31,625
That's something I'll never say.
363
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,625
Still, you got to wonder,
what if there was one woman
364
00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:35,721
who did try to enter? Let's
say she married a man
365
00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:38,650
who worked at the mill. And
maybe this lady was gifted
366
00:13:38,801 --> 00:13:41,468
with log-rolling abilities.
See, this wife had been born
367
00:13:41,563 --> 00:13:43,410
on a log in the middle
of the Mighty Mississipp,
368
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,730
and she could spin
369
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,899
that wily wood like she
was hanging a drape.
370
00:13:47,052 --> 00:13:48,612
And she was so
talented, it caught on,
371
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,054
and everybody in Lone
Moose wanted to learn
372
00:13:51,147 --> 00:13:52,664
and be just like her.
373
00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:55,683
It became so popular, they
decided to have a competition.
374
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,740
But wouldn't you know it,
they made a rule that women
375
00:13:57,820 --> 00:13:59,408
couldn't compete,
even though this wife
376
00:13:59,488 --> 00:14:00,654
started the whole damn thing.
377
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,898
So she taught her husband
378
00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:03,416
everything she knew, and he won.
379
00:14:03,568 --> 00:14:06,919
And then people started
saying he taught her to log-roll.
380
00:14:07,072 --> 00:14:08,495
And of course he
took credit for it,
381
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,423
'cause taking
credit for stuff is fun.
382
00:14:10,575 --> 00:14:12,166
Wife decided to prove
herself by getting out there
383
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,519
on the river, and she
was absolutely incredible.
384
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:18,339
But then, a big wave
washed her out to sea.
385
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,918
And she danced on that log
for months, waiting for help.
386
00:14:22,011 --> 00:14:23,528
And then, sadly,
she got run over
387
00:14:23,755 --> 00:14:25,938
- Aah!
- By the Titanic, and she died.
388
00:14:26,091 --> 00:14:27,937
Man, that Titanic
couldn't do anything right.
389
00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:30,443
And her husband
felt so bad about stealing
390
00:14:30,612 --> 00:14:31,972
her log-thunder,
he couldn't bear
391
00:14:32,097 --> 00:14:33,776
to even see her beautiful
name, so he put "Wife"
392
00:14:33,856 --> 00:14:37,375
on her grave and then
he exploded from grief.
393
00:14:38,269 --> 00:14:40,378
And with him died
the last memory of her,
394
00:14:40,605 --> 00:14:43,030
even though she
was an absolute boss.
395
00:14:43,199 --> 00:14:45,216
That's clearly what
happened. Let's go eat.
396
00:14:45,326 --> 00:14:49,036
Ashes to ashes, dust to
dust, and flan to my mouth.
397
00:14:49,130 --> 00:14:52,115
Dust. Sawdust. The
old Lone Moose Mill.
398
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,041
We should go over there and
check the employee records.
399
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,302
Right. Almost
everyone and their child
400
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,970
worked at the mill
back in the day.
401
00:14:58,123 --> 00:14:59,622
Not me. I was
foreman at the quarry
402
00:14:59,641 --> 00:15:01,048
all through middle school.
403
00:15:01,142 --> 00:15:03,568
Ten cents more an hour and
all the gravel you could eat.
404
00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:07,907
Missing...
405
00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:10,316
ooh, precious...
406
00:15:10,468 --> 00:15:12,318
m-moments.
407
00:15:12,470 --> 00:15:13,912
Dying.
408
00:15:14,063 --> 00:15:15,321
Ooh, ooh, my phone.
409
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,899
Ooh. Must crawl.
410
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,904
No,
no. Decline. Damn it.
411
00:15:23,998 --> 00:15:25,572
No. -
Hey, it's me, Londra.
412
00:15:25,667 --> 00:15:27,759
Okay, so Beef, you're
not gonna believe this.
413
00:15:27,910 --> 00:15:29,999
- Nuh...
- Dusty and I were in Anchorage this morning,
414
00:15:30,079 --> 00:15:31,596
food shopping for
her birthday dinner,
415
00:15:31,747 --> 00:15:33,656
and the Anchorage Food
Otter has watermelons.
416
00:15:33,675 --> 00:15:36,417
No, that's not the crazy part.
417
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,938
We cut the watermelon
open, and inside? A set of keys!
418
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:44,108
Londra... - My God, Beef,
419
00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:46,502
Dusty found a Bratz
doll in there, too.
420
00:15:46,595 --> 00:15:48,095
I'd love to chat more,
421
00:15:48,189 --> 00:15:50,657
but I got a lot more
people to call. Bye!
422
00:15:57,198 --> 00:16:00,032
Hello, anyone? Am I...
423
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,534
It's you. Hey, Dennis.
424
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:02,776
You remembered my name.
425
00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:04,520
Yes, it's me. Your heart.
426
00:16:04,539 --> 00:16:05,688
Wassup?
427
00:16:05,781 --> 00:16:07,536
God. If you're here,
you're gonna tell me
428
00:16:07,616 --> 00:16:09,208
something's wrong
with my heart, right?
429
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,615
That's why I've been
having the chest pain?
430
00:16:10,695 --> 00:16:12,392
What? I'm offended.
I'm in incredible shape.
431
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,381
I'm a heart and yet,
somehow, I have abs.
432
00:16:15,533 --> 00:16:16,957
- Wow.
- Yeah, your lifestyle
433
00:16:17,051 --> 00:16:18,884
of constant physical
activity, heavy meats
434
00:16:19,037 --> 00:16:21,204
and relentless stress
keeps me very strong.
435
00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:23,723
Good to know, but
what is wrong with me?
436
00:16:23,875 --> 00:16:26,042
I have been in a lot of pain.
437
00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,986
I can't diagnose you.
A doctor should do that.
438
00:16:28,062 --> 00:16:30,471
Which is why I'm here. I
want to know why on Earth
439
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,898
you won't go see a
flipping' doctor, my man.
440
00:16:32,975 --> 00:16:34,567
I... I'm afraid.
441
00:16:34,719 --> 00:16:36,385
'Cause what if it's
something really bad
442
00:16:36,479 --> 00:16:39,146
and then I die and
leave the kids behind?
443
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:40,832
Wait, what? We die?
444
00:16:41,059 --> 00:16:44,060
Yes, I'll die someday,
and you'll die with me.
445
00:16:44,078 --> 00:16:45,578
What the hell, man? This ends?!
446
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,730
The brain didn't say
anything about that to me.
447
00:16:47,749 --> 00:16:49,340
Sorry. I-I assumed you knew.
448
00:16:49,533 --> 00:16:52,010
No, I did not know.
I'm just a heart, man.
449
00:16:52,161 --> 00:16:54,495
- I can't think on my own.
- Apologies again.
450
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,239
But yeah, that's
what I'm afraid of.
451
00:16:56,257 --> 00:16:58,665
That I'll see the doctor
and he'll say I'm about to die,
452
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,000
and then I'll have
to live a little longer
453
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:01,853
knowing I'm gonna
leave these amazing kids
454
00:17:02,004 --> 00:17:04,914
and all the weird things they
do that I love so much behind.
455
00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:08,693
Also, trees and rocks and
mountains and Andie MacDowell?
456
00:17:08,844 --> 00:17:11,845
God, there's so much good
stuff here, I don't want to leave.
457
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:13,256
Well, then, what
are you doing, man?
458
00:17:13,274 --> 00:17:14,590
Go to a doctor now.
459
00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:16,442
- You're right, I should save us.
- Yes.
460
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,094
If I don't do the
thing I'm afraid of
461
00:17:18,187 --> 00:17:20,613
then the thing I'm really
afraid of will happen.
462
00:17:20,765 --> 00:17:21,947
Yes, let's not die.
463
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:23,599
We have so much
to look forward to.
464
00:17:23,692 --> 00:17:25,951
I have a date with a teacher
from Ohio on Thursday.
465
00:17:26,104 --> 00:17:27,694
- Wait, how?
- Well, I met her...
466
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:31,107
No time. Good God,
Beef, do something now.
467
00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:33,468
Okay, okay. I will.
468
00:17:35,797 --> 00:17:38,890
Boys! Dr. Callahan!
469
00:17:39,117 --> 00:17:40,374
Is that Dad?
470
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,451
I need help!
471
00:17:42,545 --> 00:17:46,773
Pull back my body
curtain and look inside.
472
00:17:48,142 --> 00:17:49,475
Hi.
473
00:17:49,627 --> 00:17:51,307
We were wondering if you
had employment records
474
00:17:51,387 --> 00:17:54,221
- from the 1880s.
- I'm sorry, the mill has burned down
475
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,889
and been rebuilt since then.
476
00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:58,242
- 47 times.
- Damn it!
477
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,578
Well, Honeybee,
478
00:18:00,805 --> 00:18:02,062
you did all you could.
479
00:18:02,231 --> 00:18:04,640
Maybe it's just time to
let a sleeping corpse lie.
480
00:18:04,659 --> 00:18:06,233
No, we can't give up.
481
00:18:06,327 --> 00:18:08,311
Why is this bothering
you so much?
482
00:18:08,329 --> 00:18:09,736
I just... I mean,
what if this lady
483
00:18:09,831 --> 00:18:11,163
came all the way from Fresno?
484
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,071
You know, 'cause she fell
in love with a guy she met
485
00:18:13,151 --> 00:18:15,818
in an 1800s Morse code
chat room or, something,
486
00:18:15,837 --> 00:18:19,505
and it seemed like a good
idea but then she... she just died.
487
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,324
And then everybody
forgot who she was.
488
00:18:21,342 --> 00:18:22,825
- The end.
- Okay, Honeybee, wait,
489
00:18:22,844 --> 00:18:25,828
you don't think you're
like this dead lady, do you?
490
00:18:25,921 --> 00:18:28,422
Maybe. My
dumb friend Veronica
491
00:18:28,516 --> 00:18:31,684
said I gave up my life and
followed a guy to Alaska.
492
00:18:31,836 --> 00:18:33,611
Am I just a wife?
493
00:18:33,762 --> 00:18:34,854
Honeybee, come on.
494
00:18:35,006 --> 00:18:36,522
You're already a
legend in Lone Moose.
495
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,507
You've been mayor, you
got attacked by an eagle,
496
00:18:38,526 --> 00:18:40,359
you got in a slap
fight with a drifter.
497
00:18:40,511 --> 00:18:43,346
If anything, Wolf should
be afraid he's gonna end up
498
00:18:43,364 --> 00:18:44,697
in a grave just
marked "Husband."
499
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,958
And you should make
sure he does, as a goof.
500
00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:49,034
Poor Wife. I guess
the least we can do
501
00:18:49,187 --> 00:18:50,277
is lay some flowers
on her grave.
502
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,329
And a pepperoni pizza.
503
00:18:52,482 --> 00:18:53,522
I mean, sure?
504
00:18:53,541 --> 00:18:55,449
Have you had a
pepperoni pizza before?
505
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,970
They're amazing.
It's a beautiful gesture.
506
00:18:59,197 --> 00:19:02,640
There you go, Wife.
Enjoy your pizza.
507
00:19:02,867 --> 00:19:04,666
Wait, what's that?
508
00:19:04,668 --> 00:19:06,811
"Bartholomew Wife"?
509
00:19:06,962 --> 00:19:08,980
Hold up. "Wife" is a last name?
510
00:19:09,056 --> 00:19:11,816
"Manifred Wife,
pronounced, 'Wee-Fay, '
511
00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:14,043
"was also known as
Manifred the Maniac.
512
00:19:14,061 --> 00:19:16,487
"Manifred Wife was
a prolific murderer
513
00:19:16,639 --> 00:19:19,398
who killed 17 people including
her husband Bartholomew."
514
00:19:19,550 --> 00:19:22,051
- Whoa.
- So, she wasn't just a wife.
515
00:19:22,144 --> 00:19:23,736
Good for you.
516
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,221
My gallbladder?
517
00:19:25,239 --> 00:19:28,057
Yep. You got some pretty
sizable stones in there.
518
00:19:28,226 --> 00:19:29,425
Hell yeah he does.
519
00:19:29,427 --> 00:19:31,485
Dad's 'blad makes
some sick stones.
520
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,562
The pain can come
and go with eating,
521
00:19:33,581 --> 00:19:36,415
but we'll remove it today
and you're as free as a bird.
522
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:38,509
I have my Lil Preppers
surgery badge, Doc.
523
00:19:38,661 --> 00:19:39,844
I can scrub in if needed.
524
00:19:40,071 --> 00:19:41,662
Won't be necessary
for this one, Moon.
525
00:19:41,756 --> 00:19:43,756
But I do have a spinal
surgery on Thursday
526
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,183
I wouldn't mind a consult on.
527
00:19:45,334 --> 00:19:48,260
I'll have to move some
things around, but I'm in.
528
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:50,688
Dad, we're real proud of
you for finally asking for help
529
00:19:50,839 --> 00:19:52,857
from a doctor who
isn't a pipe on a hill.
530
00:19:53,008 --> 00:19:54,859
And, maybe you
could, do it again...
531
00:19:55,086 --> 00:19:57,008
The seeing a doctor thing...
'cause of how we want you
532
00:19:57,088 --> 00:19:58,196
to be alive?
533
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:01,090
- Sorry to be pushy.
- No, Ham, you're right.
534
00:20:01,183 --> 00:20:04,260
I promise, from now on,
I'll get an annual physical,
535
00:20:04,353 --> 00:20:06,537
every five to six years or so.
536
00:20:06,764 --> 00:20:07,764
That's a start.
537
00:20:07,856 --> 00:20:09,707
Vaya con dad-os, gallbladder.
538
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:12,710
You're gonna be all right.
539
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:14,879
What the hell?
540
00:20:15,106 --> 00:20:16,714
You all have
gravestones already?
541
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:18,532
Yes, a few years
ago, I got a deal
542
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:21,868
on some granite and,
well, one thing led to another.
543
00:20:21,963 --> 00:20:25,130
Speaking of which... Honeybee,
a little bird named Judy told me
544
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:27,783
that you were kind of worried
about ending up like old Wife,
545
00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:31,454
which inspired me to
get you this stone stunner.
546
00:20:31,472 --> 00:20:32,546
You picked a death year?
547
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,756
You'll be 220 years
old, so it's cool.
548
00:20:34,809 --> 00:20:37,142
And it also has all kinds
of facts about you on it,
549
00:20:37,311 --> 00:20:40,145
like that you're a
Shrek-thusiast, an entrepreneur.
550
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,387
Plus, lots of space to add
anything else as it comes along.
551
00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:45,076
Like if you suddenly get
super into Dave Matthews Band.
552
00:20:45,227 --> 00:20:46,819
Wolf, this is deeply unsettling.
553
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,804
But also kind of
touching, I guess.
554
00:20:48,823 --> 00:20:50,564
All right, enough grave-gazing.
555
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,251
Let's head in for dinner.
Now that my G-blad is out,
556
00:20:53,327 --> 00:20:54,901
fatty foods are my friend again,
557
00:20:54,996 --> 00:20:57,313
and I made my famous
five-butters casserole.
558
00:20:57,315 --> 00:20:59,331
Dibs on a corner piece.
559
00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:33,594
>>>>oakislandtk<<<<<
www.opensubtitles.org
42393
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.