Original subtitles

["Joe Bob is Back in Town"by Joe Bob & The Lone Stars plays]

-♪ Hey everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in hangin' around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies so come on down to ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪ -It's gonna be legendary!

-♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪

-It's gonna be very scary!

-♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

[Guitar plays]

♪♪

[Static]

[Guitar plays]

-Okay, Darcy, I'm ready to feel the burn, no pain, no gain.

Sweat with the oldies. Let's get physical.

Just do it, pump me up, move it or lose it,

get in the groove, hustle for muscle, shape it up.

Be it. Get fit. Get thin and win.

Turn fat into fit.

Work it out to work it off. [Laughter]

Never too late to lose that weight.

Aerobicize me, baby.

Have I left out any 80s fitness slogans?

-I feel like you nailed it. -All right.

Thanks for getting into the spirit of the evening.

You look 1985 sizzlin' hot. -Whoo. Thank you.

-And as you can see, I acquired this

groovy fitness trainers outfit

from a decommissioned Coast Guard base on Lake Erie.

And, uh, happy Mother's Day, by the way.

-Aw. Thank you. -It's Mother's Day weekend.

And we'll have a lot of mothers watching

who did the "Jane Fonda Workout" way before your time.

But that was the first big VHS workout tape starting in 1982.

She sold 17 million videos.

-Wow. -And, uh, you know what?

Her butt, if I recall correctly,

was not large.

[Insects chirping, laughter]

In fact, they used to say in the gym,

don't use the Stairmaster,

you'll get Stairmaster Butt.

But then they had to change workouts over the last 20 years

to balloon those glutei.

-Those glutei? -Yeah.

Gluteuses maximuses.

And more properly, though, glutei maximi.

Build up those butt muscles, you know,

Charles Barkley, amplify the bewtocks.

They even have bewtock injections

if you can't bulk your butt in the gym.

-I feel like it's a personal choice.

-Well, yeah, and the personal choice is blow that thing up

like you're a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

That's what you do. -[Chuckles]

All butts are beautiful.

-You're such a diplomat

when we talk about the body.

They should put that in the United Nations

Declaration of Human Rights.

"All butts are beautiful." -Agreed.

Yes. -Alright, so, tonight,

we're celebrating the fascinating subgenre

of fitness horror.

And no, I don't mean that movie "Perfect."

The nauseating fitness club box office disaster starring

Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta.

You know, we've already had one health club

horror movie this season, "The Toxic Avenger."

So, it's kind of health club horror year

on "The Last Drive-In," because let's face it.

Anytime, there's something

that makes people feel good about themselves,

horror writers come along to make it into something

that makes people die.

Right? -Right.

My aunt was in "Killer Workout."

-Really? -Yeah.

-So, you have fitness genes? -Oh, yeah.

She was like, totally, my hero because of that.

-Alright, "Killer Workout."

That's probably the most famous of the movies

about horrors in the Nautilus room,

but we like to go for the lesser-known,

underrated, obscure title, the one that didn't get

the credit it deserved when it first came out.

And so, we're going with "Death Spa."

-Yeah.

Did you actually do the "Jane Fonda Workout"?

-No. Guys didn't do the "Jane Fonda Workout."

We might do "Body by Jake" or something,

but usually not even that.

But we did watch the women's tapes.

Due to spandex.

Everything was pastel spandex.

-Oh. So, you had a spandex fetish?

-Darcy, let's just not go there, okay?

Guys watched workout tapes designed for women.

-Gotcha. -All right.

Raquel Welch had one that was all thighs.

It should have been called "Get a Load of These Thighs" workout,

you know, 'cause damn, oof. [Laughter]

-They weren't all women, though. What about Richard Simmons?

-Richard Simmons was all about not being fat.

-I feel like he was very inclusive.

-Well, that was about Neil Sedaka records

and stuff like that, we didn't watch them.

Anyway, you may remember this,

but Jane Fonda had to apologize for her original exercise tape.

In the 90s, she went, "Whoops,

I'm sorry I was giving you the wrong advice."

Because she used to say, "Do it till your stomach burns."

And the American Medical Association got on her toned ass

and said people were burning up their stomachs.

And she went low impact.

Jane went low impact in the 90s.

I remember she went on the "Larry King Show"

and held hands with Ted Turner and talked about her 90s video,

which was low impact, take it easy,

don't burn yourself up.

I almost expected her to say, "And one more thing,

North Vietnam is full of Commie slime dogs."

But anyway, I could have told her a decade earlier

when I was advocating the use of the Abdomenizer

on my Movie Channel show,

'cause remember the Abdomenizer?

Home fitness in the 80s,

all you really needed was two things,

both available on 800-number infomercials.

One -- One was the Abdomenizer,

which is a piece of cheap plastic

that allowed you to do crunches without pain,

and you could also use it as a snow sled.

And the other was the Chuck Norris Total Gym,

which you could slide out from under your bed

and attach all these strappy things to it

while you're watching TV and go, "Okay, that's enough for today."

And, uh, because what -- what do people want in an exercise plan?

-Oh, you're asking me. I --

-Well, yeah, yeah, 'cause you're the --

you are the queen of exercise, Darcy.

-They want to feel good?

-They want something that does not feel like exercise.

-True. That is really hard to do.

-Well, you're a warrior, though.

You -- You can be leaving the hotel, and you'll say,

"Hey, we have 5 minutes before the car gets here.

I, you know, I'm gonna stop in the gym and do leg lifts."

-Shut up. You're calling me out, man.

-Most people say, "Well, we've only got 5 minutes.

Guess I can't work out."

You know, and you and Kane Hodder are the only people

I know who do that.

-I don't want to waste time.

-Well, but you don't mind the burn,

'cause how much do people -- most people --

want to hurt when they're exercising?

-You know, I feel like, a lot of people think

that they have to actually feel pain or it's not working.

-People don't want to hurt, Darcy,

when they're exercising.

-No pain, no gain. -All right.

How much time a day do people really want to spend

riding bikes and lifting weights

and rearranging their hemoglobin

on the jogging track and all that.

-It doesn't take that much time.

-Zero. [Laughter]

That's how much time they want to spend.

But that is now possible.

You know how doctors say that if you want to be physically fit,

you need to work out three times a week, 20 minutes each time?

Who has that kind of discipline and self control?

-[Laughs] Most people. -Zero people have that.

That's why I created the "Joe Bob Briggs 5-second Workout,"

which I'm going to demonstrate in just a moment here.

But first, I understand you have gone to great lengths

to recreate the magic of the 80s workout,

and you've designed an actual "Last Drive-In Workout"

that people can record and use at home

for the rest of their fitness lives.

-Oh, I-I didn't design it,

but we're going to do a little aerobic dancing.

For sure. -Alright, well,

while you're doing that aerobic dancing,

I'll be demonstrating the "Joe Bob Briggs 5-second Workout."

We'll see who wins. -Alright. Alright, go ahead.

-Oh, I'm not going to do it right now.

I'm gonna build suspense and reveal it at the first break.

Um, and is that when the aerobic team is going to come out?

-We're ready. -Okay.

"Death Spa." -Yeah.

-This is the movie that asks the question.

What would happen if your paraplegic ex-wife

came back from the dead, took over the body

of your computer-nerd brother-in-law

and started killing everybody in your health club

that wears chartreuse Danskin leotards,

and has breasts larger than tangerines?"

In fact, what if she messed with the pool chlorine supply

and turned up the tanning light real high

and set the resistance level on the Nautilus so heavy

that it rips people's ribs out of the sides of their body.

As you can see here, we've got the kind of messy

Southern California breakup

that not even Raoul Felder can save you from.

William Bumiller is the jock health-spa owner

trying to figure out why his dead wife,

Shari Shattuck, keeps appearing in his dreams

and telling him to kill himself, so, she can have him again.

And Brenda Bakke is his new girlfriend

who would just as soon put some yarn on her ankles

and "Flashdance" through the studio like normal.

But she keeps getting zapped by haunted saunas

and bloody locker rooms and -- most frightening of all --

flying bathroom tiles in the girls' shower.

And you know what the worst part of it is?

All these people dying in the health club,

and the police hanging around all the time,

means they might have to call off

the Mardi Gras party this year.

Sure we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with a romantic scene featuring

a long stick of asparagus?

[Laughter] I think not.

Let's look at those "Drive-In" totals and get started.

We have 18 breasts, 11 dead bodies,

1 dead baby bird, 3 exploding heads,

1 neck-eating frozen fish,

pus spewing eye sockets, self immolation,

1 revolver backfire with exploding hand,

paranormal investigator flinging,

1 nekkid steam-room scene, necessary to the plot.

1 nekkid group-shower scene, necessary to the plot.

Special hand in a blender scene that goes on forever,

rib cage arm ripping, dramatic window shattering,

neck drilling, seductive asparagus spear nibbling,

acid bath bimbo face, heads roll, arms roll,

gratuitous aerobic dancing, gratuitous weightlifting,

gratuitous explanation of psychometry,

sauna fu, burning wheelchair fu, nautilus fu, mirror fu,

tanning parlor fu, with grotesque bikini lines,

diving board fu, shower tile fu.

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for Frank McCarthy

as a cop for saying, "This accident nearly dissolved

that girl like an Alka-Seltzer."

Um, James Bartruff and Mitch Paradise for writing

the line, "To tell you the truth, Michael,

this place could use better maintenance."

William Bumiller for calming down the girls

who were terrified by flying shower tiles

by giving them free 3-month extensions on their memberships.

And Shari Shattuck as the jealous ex-wife ghost

in a negligee for having spirit-sex with her brother

and saying, "Welcome to my party -- Careful!

One flick of the button, and she's fried chicken."

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

-Check it out. [Laughter]

-Of all the aerobics babes in the 80s,

the one I remember best is, uh, Denise Austin.

And you know why? You come in at 5:30 in the morning.

You're wasted. You're nauseous. Your head is throbbing.

You think, "I'm gonna check the baseball highlights on ESPN

before I pass out."

And there she is.

Bouncing around on the beach, being perky.

Who was it at ESPN management who said,

"You know, we should have a blonde fitness cutie bouncing

around the beach at 5:00 a.m."

And you know what's even worse? You work all night.

You know what time it is.

ESPN is kind of on in the background.

And suddenly, "Let's get that blood circulating."

And you're like, "Oh, my God.

It's morning. The sun's up.

Denise fucking Austin is going to keep squeaking at me

until I turn it off."

You know, the night is over.

She was like this constant neon sign blinking at you,

saying, "You're a loser."

She was the happiest goddamn person in the universe.

5:00 a.m.

That was cruel, cruel programming.

-She's great.

-Cruel, Darcy. [Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Car engine starts]

[Engine revving]

[Horn toots]

[People chattering in distance]

[Engine starts]

[Thunder rumbling]

-Wasn't that something? -That was great.

-Great class. -Yeah.

-See ya. -Okay. Goodnight, Amber.

-Bye. -Bye.

[Engines start, car doors close]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Thunder crashes, sparks zapping]

[Otherworldly choir sings]

[Creepy music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Creepy music continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Musical suspense builds]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic drumbeat pounding]

[Creepy music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Creepy music continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Music stops]

-Oh, God, Marvin. [Chuckles in relief]

-Don't do that. [Sighs] -[Thunder rumbling]

-Come on.

You're looking like a pro, Laura.

-Mm, well, I'll settle for the workout.

-You're the last one out. Make sure you lock up.

-Okay. -[Smooches]

-See ya. -See you.

-Bye.

[Haunting wind hissing]

[Card reader beeps, opens]

[Haunting wind continues]

[Hinge creaks]

[Steam hissing, ominous music]

♪♪

[Calm music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Musical unease builds]

♪♪

[Steam hissing]

[Dramatic music]

[Laura breathing heavily]

[Shouts] Help!

Help! Help!

[Laura screams, whimpers]

Help! Help! [Whimpering]

Please, help!

Help! [Groans]

Help! Help!

Help! [Breathing heavily]

-[Laura shouts] -[Glass shattering]

[Laura exhales]

[Steam hissing]

[Eerie music]

[Wind blowing, owl hoots]

[Wind chimes jingling]

-Here you are.

-Hey, Paulie.

Would you ever sign one of them for us?

-Oh, come on, shake.

[Creature cries out]

-Get out, mateys! -[Telephone ringing]

Get out while you can!

♪♪

[Engine revving]

♪♪

[Brakes squeak]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Michael and nurse speak indistinctly]

[Bell dings]

-Dr. Davis, telephone, please. Dr. Davis, telephone, please.

[Surgeons chattering]

-Excuse me. Are you looking for Laura Danvers?

I'm Dr. Southern.

-My name is Michael Evans.

I'm the owner of the health club where Laura works,

where the accident happened.

[Intercom chatter]

-Fortunately, it's not as bad as it looks.

But she has sustained burns over portions of her body.

-Burns? -Yes, chemical burns.

Chlorine vapor, to be exact.

It's low grade.

[Elevator dings]

[People chattering, invigorating funk music]

-Merry Christmas to you, killer.

[Invigorating funk music continues]

-Come on, pull.

Push.

You did it.

♪♪

♪♪

-Never work without a spotter, Freddie.

The weight falls on your chest, and you can really get squashed.

-Oh. -I'm gonna take

a bit of this off.

-Uh, that's cool. [Sniffs]

-This might be a little bit much, Freddie.

-Us power lifters like to pump real iron.

[Freddie grunting, Marvin snickering]

-Hey, Marv, thanks for checking out

the new diving board for me, I really appreciate it.

-[Straining] Marv?

-Did you try it out yet? -No, not yet.

I will later today. -Be careful.

-It's too late!

[Freddie gasping]

Yeah, nice work, Marv.

Special isometric crisis training.

-Freddie, why don't you show Darla

some power lifting methods?

I think, you're the perfect person to get her going.

-Hey, no problem.

So, where do you want to begin?

-Well, that depends.

-Well, let's try this one. -[Bar clattering]

-I got it, Freddie. I got it.

[Ominous music]

-[Chuckles]

-I think, we should help these people.

What do you say we increase the resistance?

-[Laughs] I love it.

-What fun.

-[Laughing]

-Hm, now there's something even I can't improve upon.

[Funky rock music]

-Can we see the manager?

-Hello. I'm Priscilla Wayne, the manager.

Can I help you? -Lieutenant Fletcher, LAPD.

-Detective Stone.

-We have an appointment with Mr. Evans.

-Would you like something to drink first?

-No, thanks. -Yeah, coffee.

-All right.

Laura? One cup of carob coffee, please.

[Funky rock music]

Here you are. It's right this way.

-Quite an impressive, uh, layout you have here, Ms. Wayne.

-It's a very competitive business.

It's these extras that bring in the clientele.

-And a little gassing here and there?

Ooh!

You call this coffee?

-She was rescued by city paramedics.

When they get called, we get called.

-It was an accident.

-Yeah, but this accident nearly dissolved a girl,

like an Alka-Seltzer.

-Are you marking any charges? I'm Mr. Evans' attorney.

-Ms. Wayne mentioned the computer.

It runs the spa?

-The computer helps us run the spa.

The system is unique to Starbody.

It controls all the automatic functions.

-Who installed the computer?

-Mike, you don't have to answer these questions.

-My programmer is my brother-in-law,

my former brother-in-law, David Avery.

-Where is he?

-Probably in the computer room.

-Can we take a look?

-Michael, how is Laura?

-Less than wonderful.

[Tom sighs]

-Who has access to this command center?

-I do, and David and Priscilla, but it's David's baby.

-What'd you mean by former brother-in-law?

-My wife is dead.

-Good morning, Michael. Sleep well?

-We have visitors, David.

-Lieutenant Fletcher, LAPD.

-Tell him what you know about last night.

-I've been running all the programs,

there's no breakdown anywhere.

-Could someone have, uh, reprogrammed it temporarily?

-It's not impossible, but you're looking

at the only someone who knows the system well enough

not to leave muddy footprints.

-Well, that sort of narrows it down to you, then,

doesn't it? -[Chuckles]

Were I interested in a life of crime,

it would be in computer espionage,

electronic blackmail, and credit card fraud.

Assaulting women isn't my style.

-Where were you last night between 9:00 and 11:00?

-At home, hacking. -Hacking?

-Hacking. Experimenting with computer programs.

-Are you sure?

-These are the computer printouts from last night.

You will notice the time, date, and terminal number

on the upper left-hand corner of each sheet.

Will that suffice?

-I'll check it out.

-I'd like those back when you're done, Miss.

-Sergeant.

[Ominous music]

[Water splashing]

[Bolt squeaking]

[Diving board clattering, bolt squeaking]

[Darla screaming]

-It just came off! -The big board came loose!

-Somebody help!

There's been an accident! Get in here quick!

-Darla! -[Darla breathing heavily]

Thanks.

-The board. -Are you all right?

-It just came loose, s-s-sprung off.

It nearly hit me on the way down.

-How does a goddamn diving board just break loose?

Stone.

-Are you all right? -[Darla whimpering]

-Look at me.

-Somebody messed with the bolts.

-That's just speculation.

-You don't mind if we dust for prints, do you, counselor?

-Sh, it's all right. It's okay.

[Whimpering continues]

[Dramatic music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door squeaks]

-A word, David. -Can we keep it to that?

-You're here because you know the system

and because you're Catherine's brother.

-Both circumstances must be terribly trying for you.

-If I thought for one moment

that you put chlorine in the steam--

-You'd resort to the only weapon in your pathetic arsenal,

jock violence. -I think, there's a glitch

in your precious system. -That's impossible.

-Why are you so full of hate?

-You found some comfort for your sorrow, I noticed.

But then Laura was always there for you, wasn't she?

She and others, huh?

-I loved Catherine.

-She never wanted that child.

-How do you get things so twisted up?

-We shared thoughts you'd never understand.

Twins, you know?

[Door opens, closes]

[Muffled workout music playing]

-I just heard about the diving board.

What the hell is going on around here?

-So, what do you think?

-I think, they oughta give you a roll big enough

to hold the damn chili. -No, about

the Starbody Health Spa.

-I think, they oughta level the place.

-You think this Evans guy is clean, hm?

-I don't know.

My money is on the wacko in the computer room.

Oh.

-Well, I don't see David clambering up there

and unbolting that board.

-This all could be coincidental.

-It could be.

-37 deep. -[Laughs] You got it.

Yeah!

-What quarter is it?

-That was the winning touchdown. -Great.

Flea market special, two for the price of one.

I could go back and be Tweedledee

and you could be Tweedledum.

-Fantastic. -Mm.

-I'm gonna check out that diving board.

-Marv!

Thanks.

-Did you read the printout on that Evans guy,

about his wife?

-Made the front page of The Times.

She crisped herself.

-She was burned to unrecognizable ashes.

Now, does that suggest anything to you?

-Yeah.

I gotta tell my wife to start smoking in bed.

[Engine starts]

[Coyotes howling in distance]

[Malevolent music]

[Flames crackling]

[Insects chirping]

[Static]

-That's Shari Shattuck as the dead wife Caroline.

Atlanta model turned actress.

And as you can see, the movie is just full of hot people,

including the dead ones.

The director said he wanted to load it up

with babes and cheesecake,

and I do believe he achieved that goal.

Uh, Brenda Bakke plays Laura,

who does a little flash dancing there at the beginning,

and then, gets blinded by a demonic sauna,

while she's full frontal.

Uh, the woman on the diving board is Chelsea Field,

who broke out as the warrior woman Teela

in "Masters of the Universe,"

and would go on to many horror and non-horror roles,

including the assistant DA in "NCIS: New Orleans."

Um, worked with Don Johnson

in "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man."

Um, with Pamela Anderson in "Snapdragon,"

with Bruce Willis in "The Last Boy Scout."

She was just all over the place.

She was even a "Solid Gold" dancer.

If anybody remembers how big that was.

The manager of the club is Alexa Hamilton,

and like most people in the movie,

she was all over TV, guesting on multiple series.

Anyway, as you can tell by all the pastel neon lighting,

this movie just exudes 80s camp,

but it didn't really do that well when it first came out.

It did better in Europe, where it was released

under the title "Witch Bitch."

And I love the title "Witch Bitch."

Uh, it's one of those movies that gets conceived

at the height of the slasher craze,

and then, doesn't get made till years later,

when enthusiasm for the slasher has died down.

But the first screenplay was written in 1983.

It didn't go into production until 1986,

and then, they took a couple of years to edit it.

And so, the film wasn't released until 1989,

um, mainly because the two moneymen that were involved,

Walter Shenson and, uh, Waleed B. Ali,

um, had other priorities,

and they were doing it more or less as a lark.

Um, Walter Shenson was a huge player.

Um, he had produced "The Mouse That Roared,"

great Peter Sellers movie.

He -- He owned --

He owned both of the Beatles movies.

He had launched, uh, Dudley Moore's career.

And Waleed Ali was the guy behind

"Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer."

He liked offbeat stuff.

He made a bunch of JFK Assassination documentaries.

Um, but they had script problems and they had to order rewrites,

and by the time they got around to making it,

the fitness club craze was sort of over.

It had been done many times in the movies.

So, the movie kind of dribbled out

with a very limited theatrical release,

and then, it went straight to VHS.

Okay, Darcy, do you want to see the "Joe Bob 5-second Workout"?

-Yeah, I can't wait. -Okay.

-All right. -So, look.

-Okay. -I turn it on.

Eh, it was working a while ago. Here we go.

-Turn it on. There we go. -[Vibration plate beeps]

And then, I get the, uh, strength of it that I want.

Now, I'm going to put my body on it.

-Okay. I feel like you're going to have to explain this to us.

-Oh, I'm going to explain it. -Okay.

-So, uh, this baby is a --

What? -[Chuckles]

-I tell you what? You know, you can stand on it.

You can also -- You can also sit on it.

Uh, so... -Wow.

-[Laughs] -This baby is a LifePro

Rumblex-Plus 4D Vibration Plate Exercise Machine

with whole body triple-motor oscillation, so...

-Uh, so, it's like a muscle stimulator?

-Well, I don't know. I can -- I can step on it or sit on it.

All I have to do is put my body on it.

Right now, it's working my lower body.

[Laughter]

And adju -- adjust. -I feel fit to looking at you.

-Yeah. You adjust the intensity.

And the workout comes to me, see?

-[Laughs] -I like to do it this way.

I like to lie on my stomach, actually,

but I can't talk to the camera if I'm laying on my stomach,

so, I'll show you that later, but that reduces the beer belly.

So, um... -I-I think, it's more effective

if you do exercises while you stand on it.

-Well, not necessarily, 'cause that's the beauty of it.

The LifePro Rumblex-Plus 4D

is like one of those jiggle belts

from old black-and-white movies

where they would wrap it around their waist

and it would shake off the flab.

-But those never really worked.

-Well, that's because they were analog.

This baby is digitalized.

It's scientific. It's like 10,000 Abdomenizers.

They're working on my body all at the same time.

-Wow, I mean, Abdomenizers,

they never really work that well, either.

-Well, well, what do you have? You know?

-I have aerobic dancers from the new movie "Slashercize,"

which is a tribute to the 80s workout horror genre.

And we have special workout music composed by John Brennan.

And while you're sitting on your fancy metal plate,

we'll be rocking out at the next break.

-Wow, okay. [Laughter]

-I kind of like yours, though. -Can I get into that with you?

-I mean, you don't need us.

You have this nifty little device here.

-Well, I-I guess. Alright, back to the movie.

Roll it. [Laughter]

-I guess... [Laughter continues]

[Voice vibrating] I-I guess...

That's your thing.

Your thing is kind of more in... -Are you okay?

Are you okay? Do you need to step away?

[Laughter continues]

Are you too okay? -No, I'm great.

-Okay. -All right.

But I think your idea is more...

Your idea is more in keeping

with the theme of the movie.

-You fucking think?

[Laughter]

-You know -- You know who else has a killer workout tape?

-[Laughs] -I was going to talk about this.

I didn't really get to talk about it.

You know who else had a killer workout tape

besides Jane Fonda in the 80s. -Who?

Uh, Marla Maples.

You remember her? -Yes.

-She was married to Trump for like five 5 seconds --

5 seconds.

I-I remember -- I remember one line

from the Marla Maples workout. -[Laughs]

-It stuck with me. -Yeah, what's that?

-"Lift the heels towards the ceiling."

That was the line. -That's what you remember.

-Yeah, that's all the words I remember,

but, you know, Marla goes into her whole philosophy of life.

-And do you remember her philosophy of life?

-Well, pretty much, "Lift the heels towards the ceiling."

That was her philosophy of life.

-Alright, well... -That's it.

-"Lift the heels toward the ceiling," then.

-Yeah. Uh-huh. -[Laughs]

-Oh, worth the 11 bucks.

[Laughter, harmonica music plays]

♪♪

[Static]

[Water splashing]

[Water splashing]

-Race you to the finish?

-You got it!

[Michael laughing] -Ah!

Mike, I just figured out what was bothering me

about Laura's accident.

When I left the club,

I know Laura was the only one left in the place.

-So? -Well, how did Priscilla

happen to find her?

-Maybe she was working late and you missed her.

-Then I also missed her car in the parking lot?

-You think Priscilla has something to do with this?

-You know her better than I do.

♪♪

-Hi. -Hi.

-Well, how many reps can you do?

-Ah, 15 or 20. More if I'm showing off.

-Well, why don't you show off for me?

-I never waste effort in the gym.

Besides I'm Beta, you're VHS.

-Hey!

Hop aboard! We're due to make land in a week.

-Thanks. We're like two ships that pass in the night.

-And in, and one, open it!

And one, bounce it out!

-Come on! -[Dance music playing]

And one, let's go!

Come on now! Let's go!

Uh-huh!

All the way down!

Come on, stretch it out!

To the side, one.

And up!

Then back. Sit ups, here we go.

And up! And back!

Come on! Up and back.

-How about a veggie shake, Rhonda?

-Sure. I mean, it's kind of creepy and all.

On Monday, Laura gets gassed.

And on Tuesday, the diving board collapses.

Oh, this thing.

[Blender whirring, Rhonda screams]

-Oh, my God!

-[Laughs] Got ya! It's just a tomato.

-That's sick. -Here's your shake.

[Blender whirs]

-Uh, sorry, I lost my appetite.

-Back!

And scramble now, scramble!

Come on!

That's it! All right!

[Dance music plays]

Up in the air! Yes, come on!

Good jumping today!

All right!

All right, let's do combinations!

Center floor, first group!

Yes, come on!

Yeah! Come on!

[Muffled dance music plays in distance]

[Haunting wind hisses]

[Drawers thumping]

[Pecking]

[Michael coughs]

[Card reader beeps]

-What's with the goddamn bird's nest?

It's a pretty sick joke considering she's your sister.

-What are you talking about? -Whatever you're trying to pull,

you're not gonna get away with it.

-Michael, I think you know, but you need medical attention.

-Just watch yourself...

or you're gonna need medical attention.

[Women chattering]

-What are you wearing for Mardi Gras?

-Uh, do you think Snow White might be pressing my luck?

[Marci laughs]

-Hey, turn the goddamn lights back on!

-Ooh, not bad, honey.

Can you get us some men in here, too?

[Ominous music]

[Women chattering]

♪♪

[Steam hissing]

[Women screaming]

[Tiles shattering]

[Screaming continues]

[Tiles shattering continues]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Are you two all right?

-Yeah, but to tell you the truth, Michael,

this place could use better maintenance.

-Yeah, who needs weight reduction through terror?

-[Linda chuckles] -I'm sorry about the showers.

I want to extend your memberships

for 3 months, no charge. [Linda giggles]

Drop by my office, and I'll take care of it, personally.

-Do you think you can handle both of us

after jazz class tomorrow?

-Well, I can sure have fun trying.

[Women giggling]

-All right, we'll see you tomorrow.

-What's it look like in there?

-It's calming down.

Darla's cut isn't serious,

and Marci should be out in a second.

She's pretty shaken up, but she's gonna be all right.

-Why did you come back to the club

the night Laura got hurt?

-I forgot my purse.

-Lucky for her you did.

-Ahoy there. -How's it going, Freddie?

[Ominous music]

-[Card reader beeps] -Hello, Robert.

-Let's party.

-Resistance is set at 120 pounds.

-Anyone seen the white whale?

[Ominous music]

[Robert breathes deeply]

-Increase to 130 pounds.

Increase to 140 pounds.

Increase to 150 pounds.

-Help!

Freddie! Somebody!

Help me!

Help!

Help! -Let go of it!

-I can't! -350 pounds...

[Bones snap]

[Robert yells]

[Robert groaning]

-Tom, the guy is torn to pieces.

-You put those machines on manual,

and you're gonna end what's unique about the club.

-The computer had nothing to do with the accident.

-That system of yours means more to you

than people's lives, doesn't it? -This system is a marvel!

It made the club a success!

You can't blame the computer for tiles

flying off shower walls.

The computer doesn't control tiles for Christ's sake!

-All right, all right, all right.

Mike, uh, the other partners and I agree

that it is, uh, vital that nothing ruin the success

of the Mardi Gras party Saturday night.

I mean, we had a 20% increase

in membership last year due to that party.

Now, you put these machines on manual,

and half the stuff isn't gonna work.

-I say we shut the system down now.

[David scoffs]

-I'll make a bargain with you.

The day after the party,

you want to shut down the whole damn club for remodeling,

I'll back you 100%.

-That won't be necessary.

-Mike, it's gonna be okay.

You got to trust me on this one, buddy.

[Watch alarm beeping]

All right, aren't you supposed to be

picking up Laura at the hospital?

Come on, let's go. Come on.

[Michael clears throat]

♪♪

-You really mean it?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Mm. [Chuckles]

Sure beats hospital food.

Thank you, sir.

Mm, that's not fair, I can't see a kiss coming.

[Laura breathes heavily]

I may never take these bandages off.

-I want you to move in with me.

-Only on one condition.

-What?

-We take a drive by the club, so, I can pick up my things.

[Both laughing]

-See ya, have fun. -What are you doing tonight?

You want to come with us? -Yeah!

-Good night! -What time?

-Oh, about an hour or so. -See you later.

-I'll come over and pick you up.

-I'll meet you. -Okay, great.

-See ya! Bye-bye. -See you later.

Hey, they're going to lock you in, Marci.

-Don't worry about me. I'll get out.

[Haunting wind hisses, ominous music]

[Lockers clattering]

♪♪

♪♪

[Clattering continues]

[Marci gasping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Marci screams, blood squelching]

[Laura laughing]

-Ow!

-I'm not much help to you, am I?

-Do you see the one with number 22 on the door?

-Where? -[Laura laughs]

Oh, yes, here.

[Both laughing]

Okay, give me a minute to get to my office,

so I can turn the security lock off,

then, you can open it. -I'm not going anywhere.

[Laura chuckles, gentle music]

[Smooches]

[Foreboding music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Keyboard clacking]

[Computer beeping]

[Haunting wind hisses, card reader beeps]

[Door clatters]

[Suspenseful music]

♪♪

♪♪

-Michael?

[Suspenseful music continues]

♪♪

Michael?

[Suspenseful music intensifying]

♪♪

[Chair squeaks]

[Suspenseful music continues]

♪♪

Who is it?!

Michael?

-Hi, Michael. How do you like my costume?

-Bad taste, Darla. -[Wig thuds]

[Static]

[Grip squeaks, guitar music plays]

-Okay, continuing with the babe count.

We have Rhonda behind the veggie shake counter.

That's Karen Michaels who played hookers, nurses,

and other pretty girl roles from 1986 to 1992.

The girl who gets a spike through her throat

for no apparent reason, that's Vanessa Bell Calloway.

This was her first feature role,

but she had done a lot of TV, and then, she would

go on to a great career, "Coming To America,"

"Crimson Tide," been a regular on several series,

including, most recently, "Wicked City,"

the one about the witches who live together in Atlanta.

Vanessa is the owner of the voodoo shop

downstairs from the witch apartment.

And then, we have Linda and Brooke,

the two girls who are willing to forget

that they almost got killed by flying shower tiles so long

as they get a 3-month extension on their gym memberships,

and a threesome with William Bumiller.

Um, that's Cindi Dietrich in her final film role

after doing a lot of pretty girl roles in the 80s,

including "St. Elmo's Fire" and "The Man Who Loved Women."

And the other girl is Karyn Parsons,

who would break out around this time

as Hilary Banks on "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

Okay, so several questions here.

So far, the spa has blinded a woman.

[Chuckling]

And why does Michael bring the blinded woman back to the spa

to clean out her locker while she's still blind?

I mean, couldn't he just clean out her locker,

and then take the stuff back to her Hollywood Hills mansion,

wherever that is.

Um, anyway, so, the spa has blinded somebody,

almost killed a diver.

Um, seen a bodybuilder who's trying to get ripped

and he gets ripped. [Laughter]

Um, uh, there's somebody ramming spikes

through the throats of customers.

Uh, Darla is apparently working out her frustration

over the diving board by dressing up like a witch

and terrorizing the manager's girlfriend?

Um, why is this city letting this place stay open?

And, uh, why does the lawyer for the place

insist they don't do anything until

after the Mardi Gras party.

Why would you want to have a party in a haunted gym

where the manager uses his dead wife's name,

"Catherine" as his password to the computer

that ruins all the equipment.

And the password doesn't even have any asterisks in it.

I mean, who would keep going to this gym?

And of course, the answer to the last question is

that it really isthat hard to cancel your membership at a gym.

So, what do you think, Darcy?

-Uh, you're overthinking it. -I'm insisting on logic?

Is that your point? -Yeah, you are.

It's "Death Spa."

-What did you think of the little dance number in leotards?

-Loved it, of course, but wait till you see this.

Hit it, John.

["Getting Ripped at the Drive-In"by Darcy and the Slashercize Dancers plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Move, get firm, ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm, ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm, ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm, ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ We're getting ripped at the Drive-In ♪

♪ We're working out once again ♪

♪ We're moving all of our muscles ♪

♪ Because we're in it to win ♪

♪ We're getting ripped at the Drive-In ♪

♪ We're working out once again ♪

♪ We're moving all of our muscles ♪

♪ Because we're in it to win ♪

♪ Move, get firm, ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm, ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm, ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm, ooh, let it burn ♪

-♪ Let it burn ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause] -Wow.

-Well, Darcy.

-[Laughs] -That was fairly amazing.

You should -- You should have your own workout tape.

-Oh, we're working on it.

-Alright, back to the movie.

Austin, do you know how to direct

80s workout tape camera angles?

I hope you were doing your job.

-Taken care of. Oh, yeah.

-I-I'm going to assume that you did the right thing.

-Yep. -And not the politically correct

thing with those camera angles. -I hear you. Loud and clear.

-Okay. -[Laughter]

You had those close up lenses where they belong, am I correct?

-I feel like you guys aren't taking this seriously.

-Oh, we're taking it very seriously.

[Laughter] Cinematography is key.

[Laughter continues, harmonica music plays]

♪♪

[Static]

[Crickets chirping]

[Nightmarish music]

♪♪

[Fire extinguisher hissing]

♪♪

Whenever I'm in the club,

and even sometimes when I'm in this house,

I feel a presence.

It's Catherine.

-Even in death, she still has a hold on you.

-I feel like she's reaching out somehow

and causing all this trouble.

It's the dreams, the accidents,

and those messages on my computer.

I don't know.

Good night, sweetheart.

[Chirping continues]

[Horns honking]

-This cigarette case was found in the rubble of a mansion

in upstate New York that burned to the ground

under mysterious circumstances at the turn of the century.

It belonged to the matriarch of the family

who had come over from Europe in the middle-17th century

and built the first house on the site.

Oh, she was murdered by her youngest daughter...

beheaded with an ax.

Four subsequent houses have burned to the ground.

There is no longer a house.

The present owner has tried to farm the land

on which it stood, but nothing will grow.

It is a barren, dead piece of earth.

Cigarette?

-I don't smoke.

[Inhales, exhales sharply]

What I've just demonstrated is called psychometry,

the ability to acquire, while in contact with an object,

paranormal knowledge of its history,

or facts about its present or previous owners.

-How does this all help me?

-You did bring an object

belonging to your late wife, Mr. Evans?

[Wand hums]

Ah, Catherine.

[Distant chatter echoes]

Ah, and a beautiful marriage, it was, too,

until she went into labor with your child

and something happened to her lower spine...

a cripple growing progressively more bitter and depressed.

Jealous too. Of you?

-Without justification.

After she lost the baby, I couldn't reason with her.

-And then, one day, she went into the garden,

doused herself with gasoline and set herself on fire...

burned to unrecognizable ashes.

-All of which was in the news a year ago.

[Indistinct conversations]

You're gonna have to do better than that, Dr. Moray.

-Ah. [Chuckles]

A bird's nest.

That's what she thought of your family,

like a bird building its nest --

the mama bird, the papa bird, and the baby.

-Then, why would she kill herself?

-[Chuckles] You work in this business long enough,

you see things.

-After she died, I didn't give a damn about anything.

Laura came along, pulled me out of it, but I just --

-But afraid to build another nest.

-Exactly. -But now...

you think that your late wife is trying to kill you?

-Well, somebody could be trying to drive me crazy.

-For what purpose?

-My brother-in-law, Catherine's twin.

He hates my guts. -Hm.

Why don't I come down to your club?

You can say I'm an insurance investigator.

You need one.

[Lido laughs]

I'll hang around until after closing

and see what I can find out.

-Do you need me for anything?

-One of the reasons that I left the seminary

for parapsychology, Mr. Evans,

was the desire to separate true spiritual phenomena

from fraudulent deception.

There is more to this job than things that go beep and buzz.

[Telephone ringing, indistinct conversations]

-I'll see you at the club tonight.

[People chattering]

[Engine starts]

-You love me, don't you?

-I-I can't do this anymore.

Catherine, we're hurting people.

-Yes, you can.

-No.

[Catherine and David moaning passionately]

-Yes. -That's better.

They're so weak,

and together, we are so strong.

[Laughs wickedly]

[Upbeat dance music]

[Muffled dance music plays in distance]

-Mr. Evans, a woman named Marci Hewitt,

a member of your club, is missing.

-Marci? -Yeah.

Her boyfriend said he hadn't seen her for two days.

The last he knew she was going to your club.

-Her car was found abandoned

in the neighborhood this morning.

-I haven't seen Marci, at least for two days.

-[Scoffs] What a fantastic weight reduction program.

People get so thin, they disappear.

[Upbeat dance music]

-How's the investigation going?

-It's going.

-Hi, Michael.

Ready to make good on your promise?

-Of course. -Okay,

we'll see you after the shower, then.

-All right. -Okay?

-Linda, come on.

-The security system will be off at night,

so, you can roam about freely.

-Fine. -Enjoy the evening.

-Fine.

[People chattering]

-What'd you say? -[Hair dryer whirring]

-Oh, I think he just cried.

I'm still going out with him.

[Women laughing]

-Guess you handled that.

-Linda?

Linda!

Here's a note for you. -Ooh!

[Women laughing]

-Well, you know. -What, did you need a raise?

-No.

-Almost ready?

-Actually, it's so late. I-I've gotta run.

Do you think you can handle Michael for both of us?

-With pleasure. -Okay.

-Hey, let me borrow your hairspray.

-Yeah, here. Okay.

[Weights clanking, ominous music]

♪♪

[People chattering]

[Eerie music]

♪♪

[Box thudding]

[Linda sighs]

[Low hum droning]

♪♪

[Box thudding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Michael?

♪♪

♪♪

Michael?

Michael, are you here?

[Door creaking]

[Linda chuckles]

[Electricity crackling]

[Steam hissing]

This isn't funny, Michael.

I'm leaving.

[Linda shrieks]

What is it? Turn it off!

[Steam hissing, Linda screaming]

[Linda whimpers]

Ow, my head!

Ow.

[Whimpering]

Help! [Breathing heavily]

Help me!

-[Explosion] -[Screams] Help!

[Linda sobs, electricity buzzing]

It's burning!

[Linda sobbing]

My eyes! [Screaming]

-Michael? Did you forget your keys?

-Laura, it's David.

-David?

What's wrong?

-Michael asked me to drop by and check out the home terminal.

One of the programs keeps hanging.

-He never said anything to me about you coming by.

-He's had a lot on his mind lately.

♪♪

Laura, it's nice to see you.

I was so sorry to hear about your accident.

-Thank you.

-Well, I know my way to the study.

♪♪

[Disk drive clicks]

[Tools clattering]

[Birds chirping]

Wasn't it sweet of Michael to bring you here?

-Yes.

Yes, it was.

It was nice.

-How strange for him, though,

having a woman here so soon after my sister's passing.

-[Exhales sharply] That -- That was over a year ago, David.

-It was that long ago, wasn't it?

A man must get on with the business of living.

-How long will you be?

-Do I make you nervous?

-David, I know you have some kind of crazy idea

that Michael and I were involved while Catherine was still alive,

but that couldn't be more false.

-Laura, I'm deeply hurt.

I have no such suspicions.

-And I really liked your sister...

even when she was so mean to me. -I know.

-[Gasps] Don't!

Don't.

I'm sorry.

I guess I just want to be alone.

-I understand, dear.

I really do.

♪♪

[Doorbell rings]

-[Gasps] Would you please...

Would you please answer it?

-Of course.

[Doorbell rings]

-David, I didn't expect to see you here.

Michael asked me to drop by with the groceries.

-I'll take care of it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Car door clunks, engine starts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-You know what I love about this device?

-[Laughter] -What?

-I don't feel anything.

What does it do? How do I do it?

-Like, arm stuff, maybe. -Okay.

Arm stuff. -Arm stuff!

-Good. Good arm workout. All right.

Um, the annoying computer nerd, David,

brother of the dead paraplegic wife

who didn't want a baby and became bitter

after her spine was injured in labor for a child

that ended up dead, I think

that's what happened, and then, doused herself with gasoline

and burned herself up in either the desert,

which we know from the beginning of that sequence

or the backyard, which we know from the conversation

with the gun-toting paranormal investigator

who tells us she ended up as, quote, "unrecognizable ashes."

'Cause I guess some ashes are recognizable, you know?

"Hey, look at those ashes. Is that Shirley?"

And, um, this paranormal dude is now introduced into the plot,

because, let's see, uh...

because maybe the dead wife

is manipulating creepy brother, David.

Is there implied incest here

between the creepy wife and David?

-Let's say yes. -To mess with

the health club computer

and create mayhem, because she's jealous

of the now blinded Laura.

Have you noticed that any woman who gets the hots for Michael

ends up either maimed or dead or both?

Um, including the woman who just went down into the basement

to have sex with Michael.

As I was saying, the annoying computer nerd David

is played by Merritt Butrick who grew up in the Bay area,

and he was in several movies

horror fans would be familiar with,

including "Zapped" and, uh, "Fright Night Part 2."

And he had impressed directors with his very first job.

He played a rapist on "Hill Street Blues,"

and then his breakout role was Johnny Slash

on the sitcom "Square Pegs."

Uh, most people, though, remember him

as Dr. David Marcus in

"Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan"

and "Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock."

Um, he was actually Captain Kirk's son.

Uh, his mother was Dr. Carol Marcus,

played by Bibi Besch, but -- but, um,

she had to raise him as a single mom,

because William Shatner has only one true love --

the Starship Enterprise.

So, that is actually a plot point.

Anyway, they had to write Dr. David Marcus out of

the timeline because sadly, around the time this movie

came out, Merritt Butrick, uh, passed away,

and, um, the official cause of death was toxoplasmosis,

which was a common complication from AIDS.

He was just 29 years old.

Anyway, one of the reasons

"Death Spa" seems a little off center

and dense and confusing is, I think, nobody involved with it

had any experience with horror.

Uh, in fact, I don't think anybody involved

was even a horror fan with a possible exception

of Ken Foree, uh,

the great star of, uh, "Dawn of the Dead,"

who is totally wasted in the role of the sidekick Melvin.

Um, there were three writers involved.

None of them had any horror experience.

The director was an Austrian

making his first feature, um, Michael Fischa,

uh, who would later go on to make "My Mom's a Werewolf"

with John Saxon, "Crackhouse," and "Delta Heat,"

very meticulous director, probably too meticulous.

He was trying to turn the story into a murder mystery

and a police procedural and a ghost story,

and it was all just too much,

and it collapsed under the weight of its red herrings.

Um, what keeps it going are the kills.

Uh, they did not squander any of their budget

when it came to blood, they had gallons of blood.

And it had a fairly high budget for that era, $750,000.

And, um, Darcy, yet another aerobics production number

in the sequence we just watched. -[Laughs]

-And, uh, it was great, but yours was better.

-Aw. -So, thank you for that.

-Our pleasure. -I want you to dance us out

when the movie's over. -Oh, we have more.

-Okay, great, actually, we haven't talked about

the Mother's Day aspects of this movie.

Is -- Is, um -- Is Mother's Day a big deal at your house?

-Depends on who's at my house. -Okay, well,

the only mother in this movie

is a ghost woman played by Shari Shattuck,

and, um, if I'm following correctly,

I think, she's the mother of a dead baby,

and that's why she killed herself.

So, not really a good role model for Mother's Day,

but Shari Shattuck in real life is a role model mama.

She was married to Ronn Moss,

the, um, motorcycle dude in all the Andy Sidaris movies.

And, uh, they had two kids together.

And, uh, Shari Shattuck, she did everything.

She did erotic thrillers, she did TV,

she did commercials, she's still working.

But since we know that the ghost woman played by

Shari Shattuck gets prominent billing in the opening credits,

we also know that she plays a big part in the plot.

And it -- it's just a no-no. Horror 101.

To make the evil come from off-screen.

That is the main formal problem with this movie.

-I don't think they were too worried about formal problems.

-I'm just saying.

I mean, "Nightmare on Elm Street"

had been out for four or five years.

I mean, it's not like it was a screenwriting secret

that you can take a character from another dimension

and show them up close, you know,

with the people they're tormenting.

It had been done. -You're so picky, man.

[Laughter]

-Okay, you love this movie, don't you?

-I love it so much. It's so fun.

-Alright, once again, I'm in the minority.

So, back to the flick.

Roll it. -[Chuckles]

-All right, and also, you know, this is the second movie

I've seen where somebody gets killed by a fly machine.

You know, those, the fly, right? [Laughter]

Why do they use that one?

When it's the easiest one to get away from?

You just slip out, you know?

The obvious choice --

The obvious choice is bench press.

Uh, Lloyd Kaufman knew this when he cracked

that guy's head in half in "The Toxic Avenger."

-Anything that can speed up would be really scary, too.

-Exactly, anything that can go faster or anything

that's too heavy for you to hold by yourself.

-Yeah. -Have you noticed that everybody

who spots you on a bench press suddenly becomes your trainer?

You know, "Oh, you got one more in you, man.

You can -- I just want you to spot me, man.

No. No, you got one more in you. You can do it.

Don't give up."

You know, hey, I just want you

to watch -- catch the damn thing

before it crushes my skull, okay?

That's your job, or lands on my Adam's apple

and kills me immediately.

Don't focus on how close to death I can come, okay?

Do you do bench press? -[Chuckles] I do.

Do a little bit of everything. -Okay. Of course you do.

You're disgustingly healthy, Darcy.

-[Laughs] -Thank you.

♪♪

[Static]

-Have you seen David?

-Oh, no.

[Radio plays softly]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

-Laura?

♪♪

Laura?

Laura?

Laura?

Are you all right?

[Laura moans sleepily]

-Sure.

Mm, just sleeping.

David came by.

-David?

What the hell was he doing here?

-Fixing your terminal.

-I didn't tell him to come here.

What's that little bastard up to?

[Crickets chirping]

[Bird squawking]

-What is it?

-Hm?

-What's wrong? You're upset.

-I saw a parapsychologist today.

[Flock of birds fluttering]

[Birds squawking, unsettling music]

♪♪

[Electricity zaps]

-God, I am a nervous wreck, all right?

-I'm almost done, almost done.

Give me a...

Just making sure the computer

no longer controls the air conditioning.

So, tomorrow night instead of Mardi Gras,

we're gonna have a summer hothouse.

[Wand humming]

[Hum warbles]

[Wand buzzes]

[Metal clanging]

[Wand humming]

[Humming warbles]

[Item clatters in room]

[Humming warbles]

[Haunting wind hisses]

♪♪

[Deep breath rasping]

[Wand hums]

[Linda whimpering]

[Skin sizzling, Linda whimpering]

♪♪

[Lido coughing]

[Growl roars]

[Catherine laughing wickedly]

[Lido screaming]

[Glass shatters]

[Lido thuds, ghostly growls roaring]

[Lido whimpers]

[Explosion booms, Lido screaming]

[Blood splattering]

[Lido screams]

[Bang echoes]

[Catherine laughs sadistically]

[Crickets chirping, dog barking in distance]

-Michael?

Michael?

Michael!

Come to me.

Come to me. I need you.

It's so easy. Then, we can be together forever.

Jump! Jump!

Jump!

[Body thuds]

[Crickets chirping]

[Ominous music]

-Moray!

Dr. Moray!

Moray!

[Clunking in distance]

[Computer clunking]

[Watch alarm beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

Tom! Open up!

[Michael breathes deeply]

-Is that you, Mike? -Yeah!

[Lock clattering]

-Morning, Tom, old buddy.

-Morning, Mike.

Why all the good cheer?

-Why shouldn't I be cheerful?

My club's being sabotaged.

Laura is temporarily blinded,

and my lawyer has got the cutest shorts I've ever seen.

-We don't know it's sabotage, Mike.

Where'd you find this? Do you know I've been

looking for this watch for the past two days?

-You don't know when to quit, do you?

-Mike, I don't know what finding a lost watch

has to do with any...

-Are you helping Tom destroy our club?

-What? -I found his watch

this morning in the utilities room.

Are you involved?

-Michael, I was --

-Which one of you put the chlorine in the steam system?

That could have killed Laura.

-That steam room door doesn't lock.

She should have been able to get out.

-And Robert? And the broken diving board?

Those messages on my computer?

-I don't know anything about any messages.

-Mike, I think the strain of the last week

has been getting to you, buddy.

-It all fits.

The computer system fouls up, I take the blame,

and you and your partners buy me out.

Who else is in on this?

-It's just the two of us.

Michael, I really am sorry.

-David isn't involved with you?

-No.

-Priscilla seems to know more about this than I do.

-Have a nice day.

We could still get the club.

We just need to adjust the spa's books.

-I've known some real pricks, but you're the king.

-[Laughs] Priscilla, baby.

-Take it as a compliment. Just stay the hell away from me.

♪♪

-We should stop now.

I see their faces.

I-I hear their screams. It's horrible.

-Their flirtations annoyed me.

I am tired of waiting for Michael.

-No, please, I can't.

I don't want to.

-We've only just begun.

-Oh, please!

Please, no.

No! No!

[Static]

[Guitar music plays]

♪♪

-Good form. -[Chuckles]

-You know, we should ask Shari Shattuck...

...who played the dead pissed-off ex-wife.

"Did you ever actually meet any of the cast members?"

I think her whole role was,

"Hey, Shari, can you come in tomorrow

and furrow your brows in front of a blue screen,

'cause you're making a paranormal investigator's

arm explode when he tries to shoot you.

And by the way, that paranormal dude

who had that spectacular kill being hurled

against the ceiling.

That's Joseph Whipp, one of those character actors

who never stops working.

He is still appearing in films today at the age of 83.

But he was Sergeant Parker in "Nightmare on Elm Street."

Um, he was Sheriff Burke in "Scream."

Uh, he was one of the guards

in the great Don Siegel movie "Escape from Alcatraz."

When you're a great character actor,

you're always wearing some kind of uniform, right?

I think, this, uh, movie

set the all-time-record for subplots.

There is so many subplots that I have reached

the point of official confusion.

There was that little moment we just watched where,

correct me if I'm wrong,

but Catherine the ghost is putting lotion on her legs

and telling her bitter brother David

that she's, quote, "tired of waiting for Michael,"

and annoyed by the fact that Priscilla the club manager

and Tom the lawyer

hooked up and tried to get control of the club

by turning off the air conditioner

at the upcoming Mardi Gras party.

Is that what Tom was doing?

And David loves his dead sister a little too much

and seems to be jealous of her former husband,

giving the plot a little incest angle.

And meanwhile, we have two of the stupidest cops on the LAPD,

uh, tailing Michael because why are they tailing him?

We know where he's going.

He's going from his mansion

to his health club, and then back to his mansion.

Um, apparently, the Starbody Health Spa

is a cash cow, because that house he lives in

has to cost several million dollars, right?

Well, I'll ask you, Darcy, how much --

how much, uh, does a two-story multi-bedroom house cost

in the Hollywood Hills with a pool

overlooking all of Southern California.

-Well, this was the 80s,

so prices were cheaper then.

-But millions. Still millions, right?

It's a movie star house. -Oh. Yeah. Totally.

Yeah. -Okay.

-[Chuckles] -Um, so, I guess we're supposed

to think the cops are tailing Michael,

because they want to know where his money is coming from.

There aren't enough discount health club memberships

in the world to pay for that house.

-You are overthinking it again. -Okay, I give up.

And speaking of giving up,

why do Tom and Priscilla just admitthat,

yeah, they're planning to steal the club from Michael?

But then Michael doesn't fire them?

So, A, why do they admit it?

B, why does he just, you know, shrug and move on?

-You were never going to be able to figure this movie out.

-Well, that's annoying. -[Laughs]

-And, uh, the one thing I do like about this flick

is the art direction and cinematography.

It's beautifully shot.

And, uh, the great thing about using the health club

as your principal location is you got all those rooms,

all those mirrors, you got 16 locations in 1.

-I don't love the mirror walls in gyms.

-You don't like mirror walls in gyms.

It's not my preference. -Yep.

Yeah, do you get social anxiety in a gym,

because I know a lot of people have that,

even though, gyms seem to be set up to maximize that.

Gyms are set up to create social interaction.

-I don't like that, either. -All right.

-I don't want people watching me or talking to me or anything.

-But -- But they're always set up,

so, that you pretty much have to watch the other people

on the exercise bikes and the treadmills

and not to mention the football-field-sized dance floor

they have in this particular club.

And, um, by the way, they used a real health club

that had recently closed.

It was a gym and a dance studio combined.

-And for you L.A. fans,

it's that infuriating intersection

that everybody has to deal with --

Sunset Boulevard at Crescent Heights,

um, where you turn off into Laurel Canyon.

That's where this, uh, abandoned health club was.

-I like gyms where I'm the only person there.

It's my favorite. -Okay.

But if you're the only person there,

you might end up like Marci

who hasn't been seen in two days,

because she got a spike through her neck.

-I'm willing to take that risk.

-Okay.

Let's go back to the "Death Spa."

Roll it.

I used to go to a gym that didn't allow women.

-What? -I, no, I mean,

they probably technically couldn't legally bar women

from going in there if they wanted to.

But women would check it out and leave immediately,

because of the noises and the smells. [Laughs]

-Where was this? -In New York.

I mean, it was guys who wanted to grunt

and make disgusting noises, you know?

A lot of body builders, weightlifters, wrestlers,

cops, firemen, bodyguards, you know,

all they wanted to do was bulk up,

so, they wanted the right to make these

horrendous animal noises,

because supposedly that helps you lift more.

-[Chuckles] Is it true? -Actually, I think, it is true.

I think, you can lift more when you make that noise.

Anyway, it was the kind of place --

They had a 150-pound dumbbell.

What -- What can you do with a 150-pound dumbbell?

And it had rust on it.

How do you get rust on a dumbbell?

By using it to weigh down a dead body or something

that you're throwing in the lake?

Anyway, it was all men.

I know of another place that's all women,

and they advertise that it's all women.

So, I guess you can -- you can discriminate legally, right?

-[Laughs] No, you can't. No.

-Well, I'm telling you they do it.

-I just want a gym with no people in it.

-Yeah, me too. Airport hotels. No people.

-Yes. That's my favorite. -Just six treadmills,

one bike, and a Smith machine.

-You need more than a Smith machine.

-Not if you use all the doohickeys on it.

-[Chuckles] The doohickeys.

-Yeah, all the stuff hanging off the side

of the Smith machine, you attach the small devices

to the big device, and you work out.

-Yeah, that takes way too much time.

-I know. What you need is a giant empty gym.

You need an abandoned Gold's Gym.

I'm sure there are a lot of those.

[Both chuckle] -Don't stomp on my dreams.

[Laughter, static]

♪♪

[Static]

[Light music plays, indistinct conversations]

[Dial tone]

♪♪

[Line ringing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Looking for me?

-Have you seen David?

-No. Are you all right?

-Have you seen a guy named Moray?

-Who's he?

-[Cradles phone] -Come on.

The minute you find David, I want you to grab him.

-What's up? -Just grab him

and sit on him, then find me.

I'm stopping his bullshit right now.

What do we need? Stereo, lights, security system?

-Yeah. -We have generator power

for that, right? -Right.

-I'm putting the machines on manual.

And that's the end of that.

-Ah, I like it! -[Hands smack]

-Here's my ID card. -Yeah.

-If David gets in here,

I want you to be able to get him out.

That thing stays off.

-You got it.

[Tires squeal]

[Suspenseful music]

[Birds chirping]

[Bird squawking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Michael knocking on door]

-I'm gonna break in.

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

-Are you sure this guy still lives here?

[Clock ticking]

[Clock chimes]

-Yeah, he lives here.

♪♪

♪♪

-He doesn't live here alone.

♪♪

♪♪

[Fire crackling]

[Catherine screaming]

[Fire crackling]

[Catherine groaning]

♪♪

-Yeah. Lieutenant Fletcher, homicide.

I want an APB on David Avery.

Male Caucasian, 29-30 years old,

slight build, about 6 feet tall,

135 pounds,

reddish-blond hair, probably a psycho.

Oh, and get this.

He might be in drag.

Yeah, right.

[Cradles phone]

[Scoffs] I knew this guy was a wacko.

I'm going to the club.

[Partygoers chattering, telephone ringing]

-Starbody. -Jeffery, Michael Evans.

-Oh, hi, Michael? -Has David shown up yet?

-No, no. I haven't seen him.

-Go to the computer room and stand guard.

Don't let anybody in except Marvin or me.

Tell Marvin to come to the front desk and watch for David,

or anyone that's dressed like,

like Catherine. -What?

-David might be dressed like his twin sister.

Just get the message passed on to him.

-Okay.

[People chattering, rock music playing]

♪♪

-♪ She makes it feel ♪

♪ Not cheap ♪

[Partygoers chattering]

♪ And it's got so real ♪

♪ I think we wait and see ♪

♪ All my friends say she doesn't play ♪

♪ Think twice, think twice ♪

♪ You better think twice ♪

♪ Think twice, you better think twice ♪

♪ Better think twice ♪

♪ You better think twice ♪

[Partygoers reveling]

♪♪

-Well, like, I thought you were gonna be here

a half-hour ago. -This place oughta be lounging

with good-lookin' bimbos.

-I'm sure they'll go crazy for garlic and pepperoni breath.

-Got any gum?

-♪ Better think twice, better think twice ♪

-Hey.

Excuse me.

Sorry. I, uh, thought you were a friend.

-Excuse me.

Sergeant Stone, Lieutenant Fletcher.

Michael should be in in a moment.

There's a bar in the aerobics room.

[Ghostly music]

[Jeffery whistling]

[Ghostly music]

[Jeffery laughing]

-Oh.

[Ghostly music]

Uh, excuse me, miss.

Hey, how'd you do that?

You know, you're not supposed to

be in the computer room here.

I -- How'd you get in anyway, the door was locked?

Um, maybe you could stay for a little while.

Nice, uh, arms.

Um...

You know, I really could get in a lot of trouble for this.

What's your name?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bones cracking, Jeffery screaming]

[Partygoers chattering, lively rock music playing]

-Laura, my God, look at you! -Oh, Marvin, hi!

-You look fantastic! -[Laughs] Put me down.

Oh, God, it's great to see the world again.

Where's Michael? -He'll be along in a minute.

-Oh, okay. -Come on, Laura.

Let's go get a drink.

-See you later. -All right, see you.

-Did you see that guy? He looks great.

Oh...

Want some of that? [Laughs]

[Knocking on window]

-How's it going, Jeffrey?

[Upbeat music playing]

-So, you're okay?

-Hi, Jeffrey.

-Where's Laura? -They're headed for the bar.

-How's her eyes? -Beautiful.

-Okay, great!

-Priscilla's looking for you!

-Who are you?

Where are you taking me?

[Dramatic music]

[Muffled dance music thumping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Skeleton shouts]

♪♪

♪♪

-Say good-bye to your club, Michael.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chefs speaking Japanese, rock music playing]

♪♪

-You need help? -Huh?

-I asked if you could use a hand.

-Uh, sure. Why don't you help me with these?

♪♪

♪♪

-So, what a hot party, Tom. What do you think?

-Yeah, but it's hotter in the sauna.

-What do you say? -[Vicky giggling]

[Sinister music]

[Laura whimpering]

[Dramatic music]

-What a shock, poor dear,

the dead past returning to haunt you.

[Tanning bed buzzing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door clattering]

[Upbeat rock music playing]

-Hello, Michael.

Resistance is set at maximum. [Laughs wickedly]

[Switch clicks]

[Computers whirring, haunting music]

[Keyboard clacking]

[Printer ticking]

[Keyboard clacking]

♪♪

[Michael gasps]

-Hello, sweetheart.

Welcome to my party.

♪♪

♪♪

-Where's Laura?

-Working on her tan.

Careful.

One flick of a button, and she's fried chicken.

-What do you want?

-Haven't you been getting my messages?

I'm lonely.

I want you with me.

Killing yourself isn't so hard, really.

And besides, you'll be saving all your friends.

I will destroy this place,

and I'll kill them all

unless you do as I say.

[Tanning bed buzzing]

♪♪

Get away from there, Michael.

♪♪

[Laughs]

[Static]

-You know, when your dead, embittered, revenge-seeking,

shape-shifting, paraplegic ex-wife says,

"It's either them or me, Michael.

I'll kill all of them if you don't kill yourself

and join me," wouldn't it be a better story

if Michael was still in love with her,

and so he's tempted to actually commit suicide?

Because what is she threatening here?

She's threatening to kill all the idiots

who are still members of Starbody Health Spa

despite people literally exploding all over the place,

and I guess, you know, cut --

She's going to cut off his income streams

because killing all those members

will not get the place shut down.

We already know that from the reaction of the police

to the first six deaths in the club.

Anyway, people who worked on the movie said there were

quite a few pharmaceuticals being passed around.

Oh, big surprise, right? -Why'd you look at me?

-They were in the -- [Laughter]

They were in this bankrupt dance studio on Sunset Boulevard,

working long days.

And so a lot of the crew chose to just sleep there

instead of driving back and forth to their homes,

and of course, they could work out

while they were living there.

That's what you would have done, right, Darcy?

-Absolutely. -All that fitness equipment

sitting there 24/7 beckoning you.

-Oh, man. You know it. -Seriously.

You got to do the Darcy workout tape, though.

-We kind of did it already with "Slashercize."

-Well, yeah, but you should do some kind of,

you know, advanced hardcore Jade Cargill workout.

-[Laughs] Okay. She's only the most, like,

beyond ripped woman in the universe,

but, okay, let's do the Jade Cargill workout.

-Well, okay, you should be the Jane Fonda of horror

or the Linnea Quigley of horror.

She had a famous horror workout. -I feel like she's the

Linnea Quigley of horror. -Yeah, then --

What? -Go ahead.

-Teach people how to strengthen their quads

while shaping their thighs and enlarging their butts --

or shrinking their butts depending on

what kind of butt person they are.

But make it all horror themed. You know, "Sweat till you bleed.

Are you brave enough to follow Darcy's instructions," and...

-Alright. Put the deal together, make it happen.

I will call Jade. It's gonna be a thing.

-Oh, you know Jade? Alright.

-No, I didn't say -- I'll get people on it.

-Okay.

I would produce the Darcy full-body workout, you know,

but I probably couldn't afford your star salary.

[Laughter] -You would be surprised.

-If anybody could make the mutants sweat, you could do it.

-Well, I appreciate your confidence.

-Alright.

High-impact workout, high-impact blood spatter.

-Ooh, I like that. -I just think at some point

in every workout you do, somebody in your cast

should die a horrible grizzly death

like Kenny in "South Park." -I love that idea.

-Alright. Well, you're not saying yes, though.

-I mean, I feel like I did say yes.

-You did? Okay. [Laughter]

Alright, back to the Mardi Gras party

and the mind-boggling conclusion of "Death Spa."

Roll it.

[Vibrating]

Have you noticed that in "Psych--"

Oh, boy, we're hopping right on here, aren't we?

Alright.

Have you noticed that in psycho serial killer movies,

the murderer is often a workout freak?

Like "American Psycho,"

the killer is obsessively working out all the time,

getting that body into shape for the next kill.

What is that about? Why is that?

-He may have to fight somebody? I don't know.

-I think they're roided up.

I think they're anabolic, you know?

He could hit 80 home runs this season

or he could kill a hooker.

He could go either way, you know?

He knows a guy named Esteban in the locker room

who can inject his butt.

-Still talking about butts, man.

-Well, you'd be surprised how much gym work

is oriented around the "bewtocks."

-Oh, no, I wouldn't.

-Oh, right. I forgot. You live in this world.

-Kind of true.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-Oh, this is a great, Tom.

[Steam hisses]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Vicky gasps, innards squelching]

Tom!

[Sobbing]

[Catherine laughing]

Oh, God! [Whimpering]

[Boards cracking, Vicky screaming]

[Catherine laughing sadistically]

[Whimpering] No!

♪♪

[David laughing]

♪♪

-David?

David?

[Screams echoing]

♪♪

David, I need your help!

[Catherine grunting]

-No!

You have to go the way I did.

And if you don't,

you're gonna watch Laura burn!

-Alright. But let her go first.

-Don't give me ultimatums!

-If you kill her, you'll never have me.

[Catherine whines]

-You'd kill yourself for her.

You love her that much, don't you?

-David, fight back!

[Screams echoing]

-No!

Oh, God!

[Screaming] No!

Michael.

[David screaming in agony]

-David.

[David groaning]

♪♪

-That weakling is gone forever.

And your time is running out!

No!

[Partygoers chattering, rock music playing]

♪♪

[Glass shattering]

[Michael grunts]

[Tanning bed buzzing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Michael muttering]

[Michael grunting]

♪♪

[Michael breathing heavily]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Now is your chance, Michael.

Come with me into the inferno.

Let's die together and live forever in hell.

♪♪

[Marvin grunting]

♪♪

-Marvin... [Marvin yells]

[Glass shattering]

-Is he okay? -Marvin!

[Partygoers clamoring]

♪♪

[Michael breathing heavily]

♪♪

-Everyone in this place is going to die.

-♪ I only want you, I only want you♪

♪ If you're a nobody♪

♪ I only want you♪

♪ I will be waiting♪

♪ I only want you♪

-We're out of booze here!

There's more in the aerobics room.

[Partygoers chattering, rock music blasting]

-You know, this stuff isn't bad.

-Keeps you skinny, too.

-All it needs is, uh, a little vodka.

[Fletcher tuts, Darla giggles]

Now what?

[Blender buzzing]

[Darla screaming]

-Why don't you try...

[Darla screaming]

Give me it! Give me it!

[Darla screaming, blender whirring]

Help!

I can't -- Stop!

[Blender whirring]

I can't get it off! It's unplugged!

-[Fletcher groaning] -Oh, God!

-Come on, get off! -[Darla screaming]

-Get off! -[Darla wailing]

Hang on! Oh, my God!

[Groans] I can't get it off!

Stone! Somebody!

-Come on, get off! -[Darla wailing]

Help!

Jesus Christ, get in here!

Stone! Come on!

[Blender powers off]

Oh, my God. [Breathing heavily]

[Fletcher muttering]

[Heavy rock music playing indistinctly]

♪♪

[Fletcher whimpers]

[Screams] Help! Help!

[Hissing growl rasps]

[Fletcher whimpering]

[Fletcher screaming]

[Door slams]

Oh, geez! Jesus Christ!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

[Bottles popping]

[Fletcher screaming hysterically]

♪♪

Help! Help me!

What the fuck?! No!

[Creature growling]

Somebody help!

[Raspy growl squawking]

[Fletcher shouts]

[Fletcher screaming]

♪♪

[Fletcher groaning, blood squelching]

♪♪

[Blood splurting]

-Fletcher.

[Muffled rock music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Mm. Oh!

Ooh.

Oh, I feel sick.

-Fletcher, are you there?

Hey, Fletch.

[Catherine laughing maniacally]

[Muffled rock music playing]

♪♪

[Catherine laughing maniacally]

♪♪

-I've got to get to the power.

Can you walk?

-♪ Why won't you love me?♪

♪ Come on and bless this mess♪

[Rowdy rock music playing indistinctly]

♪♪

-Are you okay?

[Priscilla coughs] -I'll survive.

-I'll go get Fletch.

Fletch?

♪♪

[Muffled rock music playing]

♪♪

[Rumbling]

♪♪

[Priscilla screams, explosion booms]

[Women screaming]

[Partygoers clamoring]

[Catherine laughing]

[Electricity buzzing]

[Partygoers screaming]

-Run! Run! [Laughs sadistically]

[All screaming]

♪♪

[Fire roaring, Catherine laughing]

[Woman gasping]

♪♪

[Man screaming]

[Michael panting]

-Alright, bitch.

I'll show you fried chicken.

♪♪

♪♪

-Michael!

[Michael groaning and screaming]

[Catherine screaming]

[Both screaming]

♪♪

[Electricity sizzling]

♪♪

-Michael!

[Wailing scream echoes]

[Explosions booming]

[Michael groaning]

[Fire roaring]

[Michael sighing]

[Muffled rock music thumping]

♪♪

[Sparks zapping]

[Screams howling]

♪♪

♪♪

[People clamoring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Catherine laughing] -[Fire roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams howling]

-The computer locked it!

-Aw, fuck this computer shit!

♪♪

[Gun firing]

-What the hell happened?

-It's Catherine. She took over David's body.

♪♪

[Laura screams]

-Wait, wait, wait! -[Gun firing]

-[Marvin coughing] -Marvin!

-Jesus, you finally got -- -Thank God you're alright.

♪♪

[People coughing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Nice try, Michael.

[Catherine gasping]

♪♪

-[Catherine groaning] -[Innards squelching]

♪♪

-♪ Found an uptown couple who'd been danced to death ♪

♪ Nothing left but a burnt spot on the floor ♪

♪ The evidence was clear this was no accident ♪

♪ The killer groove been back for more ♪

♪ Later on an all night party ended suddenly ♪

♪ Just as fast as the shadow crawled the wall ♪

♪ It gets worse, they started to dance ♪

♪ You know they didn't stand a chance ♪

♪ The killer groove got them all ♪

♪ So lock your windows, lock your doors ♪

♪ The killer groove is back for more ♪

♪ Planet Earth ♪ -♪ Yay ♪

-♪ It's blasting in your neighborhood ♪

♪ Bad for you, but I guess you should ♪

♪ The killer groove is back for more ♪

♪ Another wild child has a sister, yeah ♪

♪ Everybody hope that she just ran away ♪

♪ Later on we'll check out your record collection ♪

♪ They knew good groove ♪

♪ Another late addition said it was a mystery ♪

♪ And they experts say it happens all the time ♪

♪ But if you don't pay attention ♪

♪ No, if you don't recognize ♪

♪ The signature of the beast in 4/4 time ♪

♪ Lock your windows, lock your doors ♪

♪ The killer groove is back for more ♪

♪♪

♪ Last seen in your neighborhood ♪

♪ Heading for you, I'm gonna get you good ♪

♪ The killer groove is back for more ♪

♪ Lock your windows, lock your doors ♪

♪ The killer groove is back for more ♪

♪♪

♪ Last seen in your neighborhood ♪

♪ Heading for you, gonna get you good ♪

♪ The killer groove is back for more ♪

♪ Come on, work out ♪

[Heavy electric guitar rock]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Lock your windows, lock your doors ♪

♪ The killer groove is back for more ♪

♪♪

♪ Last seen in your neighborhood ♪

♪ Heading for you, gonna get you good ♪

♪ The killer groove is back for more ♪

♪ Lock your windows, lock your doors ♪

♪ The killer groove is back for more ♪

♪♪

♪ Last seen in your neighborhood ♪

♪ Heading for you, gonna get you good ♪

♪♪

♪ The killer groove is back for more ♪

♪♪

[Static crackles]

-Well, that's what I call a kitchen sink ending.

♪♪

Meaning you take all the minor characters

no longer needed for the plot,

and you explode them.

Like Tom the lawyer,

who has taken control of the club,

accomplished his nefarious goals,

but he decides to stick around for a sauna.

So, he gets his face exploded.

His partner in crime Priscilla explodes.

We have an exploding eyeball on Catherine herself.

But, of course, the classic moment

is that frozen fish throat ripping of the cop.

I don't think I've ever seen frozen seafood food fu

prior to this movie.

We never find out exactly

how Catherine has acquired her superpowers

or how she uses them to manipulate computers

and her cross-dressing brother.

But besides having those unmotivated

supernatural plot elements,

I think the movie suffers from a weak main character.

I mean, we don't care that much about what happens to Michael,

as played by William Bumiller.

And it's not his fault.

It's the way the character is written.

Bumiller had started out on "Mork and Mindy" in 1980.

And the rest of his career would be on TV,

notably "Days of Our Lives," "Veronica Mars,"

"Bones," "Reba," "L.A. Law."

He had a good career, apparently retired around 2008.

And then Brenda Bakke as the female lead playing Laura,

she was too much of a damsel in distress,

the way they wrote this thing.

Not much for her to do.

Michael literally picks her up from that tanning bed

like an old silent movie hero

picking the girl up off the railroad tracks.

Brenda Bakke was still struggling to get noticed

when they filmed this in 1986.

She started out doing hot girl roles

in movies like "Last Resort" and "Hardbodies 2."

And then finally, she got major attention in 1993

in "Hot Shots! Part Deux" opposite Charlie Sheen.

And then she had more meaty roles in "Under Siege 2,"

"L.A. Confidential," "American Gothic."

She was in a couple of Playboy pictorials in the '90s,

and then she published a memoir about what she calls her trip

through the dark side of L.A. -- rape, prostitution, and drugs.

It's called "Driving in L.A.," and it got pretty good reviews.

One interesting anecdote about the shooting of "Death Spa"

is that Bette Davis lived in the building next door,

and she would come out on to her balcony every day

and watch the filming.

Now, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing,

but apparently, the director was flattered.

But as I mentioned before,

the movie disappeared with hardly a trace.

It didn't have much of a release,

and maybe that had something to do with the tag line

on the poster.

"Strange things are a-brewin' at the local gym."

Why would they say "a-brewin'"?

[Laughter]

Was there a hillbilly in the cast that I missed?

You know?

What do you think, Darcy?

Where does "Death Spa" fit in the pantheon of fitness horror?

-[Chuckles] Fitness horror? Is that a thing?

-We're making it a thing. Workout horror.

-Well, it's definitely one of the best fitness horror movies.

Probably thebest, honestly.

The body count makes it fun, and it's fast-paced.

It's got dancing. It's got a bad-ass ghost.

It never lets up. I love it. [Laughs]

-We should call this Spandex horror.

-Okay.

-And thanks again, Darcy,

for bringing the Spandex tonight.

I appreciate that. -Oh, we are not done yet, sir,

but we do have mailbag.

-Oh, okay. Nothing heartwarming.

-How about inspirational?

-Inspirational.

-For fitness. -Alright. That's okay.

-Inspiration. -Alright.

-Okay. It's from Brenton Bober of Oxford, Michigan.

-Hi, Joe Bob.

I wanted to reach out and thank you

for inspiring a nonprofit theater group.

My daughter, Lydia, is part of a youth theater group.

And although she has a wonderful time doing it,

she's an avid horror fan

and really wanted the group to do something spooky.

After watching "The Last Drive-In's" presentation

of George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead,"

my wife and I realized we could write an adaptation

for the stage.

After a year of hard work,

I'm proud to say that on May 9, 10, and 11,

Reach Drama -- R-E-A-C-H Drama --

Well, wait a minute. That's tonight.

-[Laughs]

-They're competing with us. [Laughter]

Reach Drama will be presenting "Night of the Living Dead"

at the historic Flagstar Strand Theater in Pontiac, Michigan.

In addition, our play is hosted by two characters

who present the story as a late night horror host TV show,

lovingly paying homage to you and Vincent Price.

Thank you for everything you do and inspiring us.

I'll have to send you some production photos

once we're done.

Thanks again.

Brenton, Oxford Michigan.

So, we have zero viewers tonight in the greater Pontiac region.

I mean, come on. -That's your comment on that?

-No, I mean.

No, it's great that they did this.

I mean, when you think about it,

"Night of the Living Dead" already is a stage play,

because most of it takes place in one room.

You know, two rooms, actually -- the upstairs and the basement.

So, good luck to Reach Drama.

If you're watching us tonight, go watch them tomorrow night.

You missed it tonight. [Laughter]

-Thank you. I just think it's really awesome

that they were inspired by "The Last Drive-In."

-Yes, it is.

-Teaching the world that horror rocks.

-Exactly.

And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs.

Darcy, you should get the Slashercise dancers

into position as I remind everybody

that you do not need a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

And the drive in will never die.

-It's fair.

-And John Brennan. -Yo!

-Hit the downbeat on this

as soon as you hear the punchline

so that I won't have any embarrassing silence, alright?

-For sure. -Okay.

Two nuns are riding their bicycles

down a cobblestone street.

First nun says, "I've never come this way before."

Second nun says, "It's the cobblestones."

[Harmonica music playing]

John, what did I tell you?

-You call that a punchline?

-Okay, let's try it again, John.

Austin, you have those low camera angles set

for the dancers that we talked about?

-Yeah, we're good. We're ready. We're ready.

-Okay.

♪♪

-[Laughs]

-Guy comes home to find his mother-in-law

unconscious on the kitchen floor.

Calls 9-1-1, and the ambulance takes her to the emergency room.

So, the guy follows the ambulance to the emergency room.

He sits down in the ER waiting room.

He's waiting for the news.

And after a while, a doctor comes out to update him

and says, "I have good news and bad news.

Which would you like to hear first?"

The guy thinks for a minute and he says, "Bad news."

And the ER doc says,

"You mother-in-law has had a massive stroke.

She is clinically alive, but she cannot speak.

She can only make quacking sounds like a duck.

She also cannot eat,

and she has no bowel control or bladder control.

She may live another 20 years,

but during that time, you'll have to feed her,

and you'll have to feed her strained baby food.

You'll have to wash her body,

you'll have to change her diaper several times a day."

And the guy goes, "Oh, my God.

So, what's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I was just kidding. She's dead."

[Laughter]

♪♪

-Music button.

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Can you feel the beat in your veins ♪

♪ Through the bloodstream into your brain? ♪

♪ Reaching out for another dimension ♪

♪ Higher, higher, burning tension ♪

♪ Feeling like Sylvester Stallone ♪

♪ "Rocky V," bring it all home ♪

♪ Working out, you're never alone ♪

♪ Don't give up, enter the bone zone ♪

♪♪

♪ Beauteous gluteus maximus ♪

♪ Let's firm it up now♪

♪ Beauteous gluteus maximus ♪

♪ Let's firm it up! ♪

-Austin, what the hell are you doing?

Have you watched an '80s workout tape?

Close-up! Close-up!

♪♪

Not that close up.

♪♪

-♪ Shootin' stars, flamin' good times ♪

♪ Jupiter, Saturn, and Mars ♪

♪ Feel the beat burnin' those carbs ♪

♪ Do your best and push it real hard ♪

♪♪

♪ Beauteous gluteus maximus ♪

♪ Let's firm it up now ♪

♪ Beauteous gluteus maximus ♪

♪ Let's firm it up! ♪

♪ Can you feel the beat in your veins? ♪

♪ Through the bloodstream into your brain? ♪

♪ Reaching out for another dimension ♪

♪ Higher, higher, burning tension ♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

♪ We are sick ♪ -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting ♪ -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪ -♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-Made in Georgia.